lavendarsarepretty - Tumblr blog

[lavendarsarepretty]

google how to explain to my loved ones that i’m not angry or upset i’m just too tired to force neutrality in to my expression and trying to make myself seem content will paradoxically only make me more exhausted how do i explain that my entire existence outside of isolation is a lie i put on for their benefit how do i explain that simply being a person is draining me

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anybody else have no emotional/mental object permanence? my life is constantly just *fear because i’m fucking up a thing* “what if i’m fine and i was just lying?” *pain over x* “what if it’s a one off and i’ve changed now actually?” *consequence of pushing myself* “but what if it’s my bias working against me so i think it was worse than it was?” *pain pain pain pain* “i’m literally fine now so it didn’t happen.”

[lavendarsarepretty]

why are there so many fucking helicopters jesus christ

[lavendarsarepretty]

sometimes i see discourse that leaps to a specific conclusion so quickly that i just have to sit there and think. what the fuck is going on outside of my circle. why is this a necessary post. who the hell has made this thought so apparent that this post is necessary and how do i make sure i keep them away from me

[lavendarsarepretty]

tfw you’re at work and don’t have anything other than training to do but there aren’t any transcripts and it sends you mental and all of a sudden it takes genuine effort to push a word out and you’re sat trying to be typical and talk to your coworker but you can barely respond and you feel like you’re putting it on because it’s been a while since this happened last and you thought you were over this but it’s came back and your words aren’t fucking working and you know that the only reason things are going okay is the grace of your coworker and if they were even slightly weird about this you’d be completely ruined

[lavendarsarepretty]

nsft but sometimes i feel like a bad stereotype because i know for a fact that my asd is the reason ill never have sex. it’s so irritating when people assume autistic people can’t feel sexual desire ever actually, because a lot of us can, the a in asd doesn’t stand for asexual. but i will be a virgin forever and i don’t like the idea of being the type of person that validates that idea.

can’t stand being touched, can’t stand being sweaty, can’t stand loud noises like moaning in my ears, can’t express my wants properly or quickly which is pretty fucking important for consent reasons, can’t talk to people well enough to get to the point of sex, and one that isnt my autism but still impacts things, im not pretty enough for drunken one night stands which is probably the only way i could deal.

similar thing with relationships except that’s mostly social emotional reasons. too many expectations and i don’t really get the premise. yeah ‘love’ but like. i don’t really feel that shit and i don’t get why it’s so important. care i get, love? not really.

[lavendarsarepretty]

if someone hit me in the stomach hard enough it might finally fix me

[lavendarsarepretty]

spinning my bracelet isn’t enough i need to smash my fucking brains out

[lavendarsarepretty]

just remembered in secondary school when some girl would only talk to me to take my crisps and i remember being content to give them to her but getting unreasonably irritated when she talked to me after. like, i gave you ur shit now leave me alone why are you talking to me??? we aren’t friends babes you want something from me so i gave it to you i don’t understand why you keep talking to me. if was lit only ever after i gave her the thing she wanted but it annoyed me to the point where i stopped giving them to her because i wanted her to go away

[lavendarsarepretty]

i question whether i have dysphoria but then i have to shave and i wanna blow my fucking brains out

[lavendarsarepretty]

stuck in the cycle of never accepting or asking for help because i’m scared of making a spectacle of myself and am hyperaware of being seen as ‘over exaggerating’ the things that i deal with but that then leads to more stress and anxiety and general energy consumption which makes it hard to dampen my responses to stress and increases my need for coping mechanisms which are visible from the outside which feeds back into the fear of being seen and judged sensitive to minor slights which only makes me feel like i have to hide my struggles more which ends up making people not believing so struggle which then makes them more likely to believe i overreact which further increases my fear-

[lavendarsarepretty]

turns out i’m just a dude now :thumbsupemoji: gonna get buff as shit to a) look the part and b) scare off the people who disagree with a

[lavendarsarepretty]

do i poke the metaphorical hornets nest

[lavendarsarepretty]

I ACCIDENTALLY REBLOGGED FROM A TERF OH GOD STRIKE ME DOWN AND SEND ME INTO A DECADE LONG COMA FOR MY SINS

[lavendarsarepretty]

life got a lot easier once i decided that whenever im too tired or mentally unable to Do Discourse everyone i dislike on the internet becomes a troll or a rage baiter so interaction is pointless. dumb opinion? troll, block em. misreading the point? rage bait, a reaction means they win, block. completely irrelevant out of left field comment that adds nothing? either a troll or a very confused individual on the wrong post, ignore to avoid miscommunication and needless discourse. is it the best way to go about being online? i don’t know but im much less stressed now.

[lavendarsarepretty]

tfw you need to wash up but you haven’t finished dinner so you can’t but you can’t eat any more but you can’t throw the food away because that’s wrong but you can’t save it because nobody will eat it but you can’t throw it away so you can’t finish dinner so you can’t was up but you have to wash up but you haven’t finished dinner-

[lavendarsarepretty]

the fear of accidentally liking a post when i’m doomscrolling a tag i don’t agree with to try and force feeling runs deep