lifeslemonaid-blog

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

I forgive me for us

I will not forget what us taught me

I was able to smile honestly

I allowed myself to love fully

With all my scares exposed

The person I shared them with was real for me

I have no shame for the person who held my hand in public

That caught me in time of need

Wanted to be apart of my mornings and evenings

Gave me new meaning to things like the honor, service and honesty

New shared experiences like kissing in the rain

The sentimental value of our single foot prints in the snow

The emotional support as we fell asleep in each others arms

Two opposite worlds at times but nights of long conversation to hear each other point of view

No screens in to distract us

Same priorities in our children

Longing for simple but creativity to be fulfilled

Providing equally in laughter, vulnerability and peace.

I’ll always know this person’s real pain

He tried

He danced with me in the kitchen

I do not forget us

I forgive me for being better than us

I never gave up

Never limited myself

I forgive you for not being strong enough

I forgive you for not being real

I forgive me for us

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

The table is often used as a metaphor for many things. In our case, it was a place for peace. Discussion. Reasoning. The ability to learn without judgement. The only rule was that it was safe.

Key things were decided at any table we sat at. No phone to disrupt us. Genuine laughter exchanged. Easy connection without discomfort. Even when the topics we hard the conclusions seemed simple, supported and heard.

I let you join many of my tables. Those with small groups of importance. Ones with intimate settings and old memories shared. Even ones with my physical absence but the safety I thought we’d build. The foundation agreed upon, the table knew I was there.

There was even gatherings with buzzing tables. Moments to see you connect with a community you thought you lost, had been abandoned by but found hope on. The glimmer of realization for opportunity seemed to appear. It was refreshing. Those are the moments I’m finding peace in.

Those are the moments I hope you take to the table you said you were sabotaging. I didn’t have those moments I was running from. I didn’t destroy those moments. I’ve been creating them on the side all along. Now I’m free to create them without fear. Without disruption.

I never wanted your table. I’ve just always left mine open to those looking for a welcomed seat! Those looking to heal. You’re not doing that in the same way. I respect that.

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Yes, another therapy realization. How does one be the person they want to be and walk away?

This was and has been a lingering question in my head for a long time. I care so deeply at times that I get in the way. Period! Full accountability! The walls that should be up are non existent. The doors that should not be doors, wide the fuck open. Empathy overflowing for the taking. Well, this used to be me. Not anymore.

I can still have empathy. I can still be bold, sassy and kind. I can do all of this and say NO! I can do this knowing that walking away is safe! Safer for me. For them. For everyone involved. Staying wouldn’t prove to make me the person I want to be.

I would be stifling the integrity I wish to have.

I never want to stuck out of obligation.

Honesty is sometimes harsh. The lies I told to stay all those years was way worse than the truth to walk away.

The maturity I’m growing into that my emotional intelligence was for to survive in. My kindness to thrive on those of quality and importance.

Walking away always me to build the table full of love. The table I’ve been mocked for. Black mailed over. Instead I may even create it from scratch!

I’m proud of the fact that I’m standing taller as I walk away. It means I’m starting to walk my own path. It only takes one step at a time!

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

I love how your silence and “distance” makes you think that the truth can be hidden. Be honest with yourself, with those around you, and take accountability. Allow the kids to play. That’s all that’s needed.

Sadly when you stuff this all in a closet, you’ll be looking down the aisle at the grocery store, hitting on the moms during pickup in GL. Maybe you’ll choose a neighbor this time.

You watched me for a year, how long have you been watching ur next victim?

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

I heard you in the silence, was I your first outreach?

Just after my birthday, the guilt started to kick-in. Her pull on you was not working. You were still living in your apartment. Your boundaries were higher than ever before. You were still able to see the kids.

She decided that you needed a reminder of the control she had. She brought you down a few notches. Looking back now, I bet she started to threaten to move the kids to Alaska. I bet you also started to realize how much deeper your lies had gotten. You asked understand that I was over. That you had been thinking about it and it was too much. You had told me all the reason before.

It was barley a week after the detox of expelling you from my life started when I woke suddenly at 2am. There was a message on my phone. You asked if you were heard in the silence. You sent videos of where your head was at. The pain you appeared to be in. I responded. You "seemed" shocked to get a reply.

You wanted to return our journal to me. You wanted to leave it in my car. I told you I needed to come to you. There was booze. there was sadness. There was place filled with hopelessness.

I grabbed the booze, I made you give me the journal and then I do what I do best. I observed your pain. Just like that you were going to be ok. You were going to get help. You told her about it but she could only tell you to die then.

I started a path to understand those with PTSD and TBI when I met you. I wanted to make sure that I was safe. What I needed to be aware of knowing different variances of individuals conditions. Just as any medical condition or mental health condition causes an alteration in ones ability to be who they were. It also heightens other characteristics.

In your case, the manipulations, depression and long term truama through co-dependant relationships reveals what an asshole you are. How you don't really mean to follow through. There are other veterans that deserve the serves you are abusing.

I continue to learn to give back the resources I contributed to you exploring and utilizing for false narratives. Maybe you should stay in the silence you pretended to have.

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Was any of it just for me?

My therapist gave me an exercise to review what I did enjoy about our time together. What did I find suited me well?

I take these exercises seriously, it's part of my growth. It's also incredibly painful to review everything you said to me over the past two years. Knowing the truth you shared with me this time around.

What was real? Did you actually enjoy cooking with me? Did you really never cook with anyone else? Had you really never made soup before? How was this special?

The way that you held me, made me feel like I could let own my walls. You said that she never liked to cuddle. You said that she didn't like affection. That was never true was it.

So what did I like about us. Nothing? I like that I didn't hold back. I like that I was fully myself. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am glad that I was there for a person that I thought really wanted support to help themselves. Working on healing.

Thats the funny thing about healing. Until you are on the other side of where you started, you are challenged to continue to the destructive path you are trying to break.

I don't want to continue that path. I don't want someone that pretends to want a routine. To prepend to want to meal prep. That only pretends to want to wake up and give me the look I thought was only mine. Really it was a look you were giving so many others or had.

I never want to be chosen because there should never be a choice. I want someone that understand the value of working for a healthy family. Not to hold on to ego and pride even if it destroys the best part of the world. The future, our children.

I want someone that I want to grab my hand, turn on the music and know how to dance with me. I want someone that shares music with me.

I also want to know that not everything we do has to be together. There would be no fear of a phone, a car, or missed call. I want the peace and the calm. I want the support, pride and team we discussed. I just don't want it with the real you!

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

I see who you really are!

Go ahead, try to rewrite the story of your life. I know the truth behind the lies. The ugliness is oozing from your pores like puss from an open sore. Your mask is falling off and the devil behind it is being exposed. The narcissist can't hide its spots anymore.

1) Emotional Blackmail

Stop telling your children that everyone leaves when you've made them move three times in 6 months just because you can't control him anymore.

The anxiety attacks you force upon the youngest children just so that he will run over to the house is disgusting.

They are not objects they are living breathing beings.

2) Guilt-tripping with Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)

The oldest owe you nothing. You did not save them. You treated them as slaves. You owe them their childhoods back for exposing them to abuse, sexual blackmail and toxicity.

Forcing your kids to lie to CPS. Not just once but twice.

3) Shaming

Telling your kids they can't have an identity because they need to be a family is bullshit. They shouldn't be ashamed of trying to be themselves.

No wonder the youngest hide their soiled clothing and pull-ups.

5) Gaslighting

HERBIE

YOU WERE NOT TOGETHER

HE DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU

SHALL I CONTINUE

HE FINDS YOU DISGUSTING

HE TOLD YOU HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU AND YOUR YOUNGEST HEARD YOU

To be clear, you once said where ever you go he will follow. Well, sadly you left. He stayed. I told him to go. He said he was but your back.

I guess those spots couldn't be put away this time.

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

The Verbal Values Vs The Actions That Prove The Value Of A Man

I once "knew" a man that liked to talk about the values he had. The way he would weave the importance of his 20 year career he never thought he would need but that found him. After losing a future in basketball. Going away to college. Becoming someone that his father could finally be proud of, he was staring down at a the smallest person in the world that could finally give him the validation, or so he thought, that he so longed to have. After a few failed attempts at a "normal" job. He found himself enlisting.

There, in that career, he found his purpose. He would continue to formulate this story over the twenty years he continue with this careers. Just as I tell this story, that's all it was.

He wanted to believe in the following values;

Loyalty.

Duty. Fulfill your obligations. ... 

Respect. Treat people as they should be treated. ... 

Selfless Service. Put the welfare of the nation, the Army, and your subordinates before your own. ... 

Honor. ... 

Integrity. ... 

Personal Courage.

With each additional year, something continued to break. He did the right thing. He got the job. He married the child's mother. He had additional children. He continued to enlist. Then why, why did he need additional validation?

Why would he go out and find others? Why didn't he just the mother of his children? She wasn't looking to be with him either. Before long, Hit was hard to trust anything. They were both at fault. The girl he dreamed about was ruined. The life he wanted to show his father was false.

One day he was hurt. At the right time, the best worst person came into his life. She would reach out to see if he was "ok". She had heard from her husband that there had been injuries. The validation slowly grew into the banter he needed.

His wife was telling him he no longer wanted to be there for his kids. Everything the wanted for his own childhood seemed so far gone. This new person in his life seemed to tell him all the right things. She could do it. She could understand. She could easily step in. She could be the women and mother for his kids that he was looking for. He was so desperate to feel like he was good enough, he let her slip right in.

She ran to take the kids from the only home they had ever known. Take them away from any chance they had to be with family that made sense. created a world that only she could supply. Before he could learn to walk, lead, be loyal to himself, for his kids, she made sure the insecurities stayed open.

The longer he served the more the validation was needed and she would no longer do. He would see someone that looked like they could be easy to talk to. Someone that also had a need to talk. A connection that could be made. Maybe they need me too. I'm not harming them, I'm providing them something they want, he would think.

Affair after affair his wounds were ripped open, he could feed the real thing he was validating. His ego! The side that said , no dad, look at me. I can do whatever the hell I want. The more he served the larger the mental wound grew. The more it was safer to live in the validation.

After 20 years, the world decided it was time for everyone to wake up. 2019, the world needed to see things needed to change. For him, this was the end of the career that held him "together" in the world he could control. The one that kept him "safe". After a final move to show what an honorable man he had become. He would finally show his family he deserved to be home.

On September of 2022, he met someone that would hold him accountable. That would not allow for the lies. That would test every conversation every had. It was time to wake up from the story we were told as children.

Regardless of the handicaps we are born with, challenged with or thrown into, we decide the person we choose to leave this world as.

Are you really the Loyal person you took the oath to be?

Duty, is a profound thing. Being obligated to complete a role does not mean to show up as your worst.

Respect, how can others respect you if you don't respect yourself?

Selfless Service. Find a way to help the community but don't allow others to walk all over you. Including a toxic partner.

Honor? What honor do you have left if you keep the same habits? Hold the same lies?

Integrity, how do you have any left if the others are not followed?

Courage will not surface. There is nothing left to give you what you need.

When you are this low. All you can do is take from others. You can longer see the person you wanted to be.

It was only the beginning of the most lovely and hurtful restart she would ever know.

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Phases of mourning/morning

To be told, don’t worry I’ve got u!

These are words I may never hear

I may never have a day where someone picks up the to do list and gets everything done for me

I’m not depressed

Im greeting what is a lost but new

Constant state for grey

Seeking all the colors of the rainbow

In these times, you should not rush those into a new phase

Please let me find my peace and my appreciation for this new space

In the end the list is mine and mine alone

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Morning reflection to appreciate time I spent in London and places I saw. My anxiety was unknown but very present, check posted link to see if u might have to same. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc0xdaGuXHL/?igshid=NDA1YzNhOGU= for those that know they have anxiety I see what others don’t see. #selfcare #noquickfix #nomarketingfixplz https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc2trfwumQ6/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

“I wish someone would have told me that this darkness comes and goes People will pretend but baby girl, nobody knows And even I can't teach you how to fly But I can show you how to live like your life is on the line You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in Let 'em drag you through hell They can't tell you to change who you are That's all I know so far And when the storm's out, you run in the rain Put your sword down, dive right into the pain Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars That's all I know so far”-P!nk https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc1kUpVriUq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

It’s just another muffin Monday! https://www.instagram.com/p/Ccyx23TLNMq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Now walk it out! https://www.instagram.com/p/Ccsea07roQ2/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

This week was hard, take a min to find you breath and relax! Use Bella as ur inspiration! https://www.instagram.com/p/CcqpJZ0OMLa/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Morning smoothly for health. Every.damn.day. Not for body fat, to have others like me, to get ⛽️ because my body hurts! Less choices makes it easy for my anxiety! Lifestyle for me. #selfcare #mentalhealthisreal #routinetobreaksocialnorms #personalgrowth https://www.instagram.com/p/CcnUI9MLGC1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Corgi ❤️! Needing to smell like my owner by rolling in your freshly used towels! https://www.instagram.com/p/CcnJSMROWMn/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[lifeslemonaid-blog]

Chocolate or Sh*t?

Daily survival of, “is this chocolate or shit?” As a parent, I’m not sure I have come across anyone that has not encountered a time when they have to sit back and look at a small pile of brown substance on the floor, counter top, table, couch, chair, blanket, shirt…well you get the point and stop to say ok is this chocolate or shit. Secondly, how am I going to double check? 

As a product of a blue collar midwestern family, I feel like this is also a metaphor for my own daily, weekly and in general consideration of life choices. Is this the enriched promise I should lean into or is this just a pile of shit left behind trying to go unnoticed or is this a slice of sweet opportunity that most of enjoy like chocolate? 

Throughout this exploration of who am I which path do I take to get closer to chocolate and further away from shit, I’ll use this blog to share my silly stories. I hope to open the door for others to share their experience and find a way to bring people together.