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Duke's Cooper Flagg Reveals Secret to Success

DURHAM, NC - In a shocking revelation that has sent ripples through the college basketball world, Duke University's star forward Cooper Flagg has attributed his phenomenal success in the 2025 March Madness tournament to an unconventional pre-game ritual: devouring an entire pizza by himself before each game. The 6'8" sophomore, who has been averaging an impressive 28 points and 12 rebounds per game during the tournament, made the startling admission during a post-game press conference following Duke's Elite Eight victory over the University of North Carolina. "Look, I know it sounds crazy, but it's all about that pizza power," Flagg told stunned reporters, tomato sauce still visible at the corner of his mouth. "One large pepperoni, extra cheese, right before tip-off. That's my secret weapon." Duke's coaching staff, initially skeptical of Flagg's unorthodox preparation method, has come to embrace the carb-loading strategy. Head coach Jon Scheyer explained, "At first, I thought he was joking. But then I saw him put away a 16-inch deep dish in under 10 minutes and proceed to drop 35 points. Who am I to argue with results?" The Blue Devils have gone so far as to install a wood-fired pizza oven in their locker room, with Scheyer himself taking crash courses in the art of pizza-making. "It's all about giving our players what they need to succeed," Scheyer said, flour dusting his designer suit. "If that means I have to become a world-class pizzaiolo, then so be it." Flagg's teammates have mixed reactions to his pre-game ritual. Point guard Jeremy Roach commented, "It's impressive, but also kind of gross. The sounds coming from Cooper's locker before games... let's just say it's not for the faint of heart." The revelation has sparked a frenzy among college basketball programs nationwide, with teams scrambling to incorporate pizza into their training regimens. The University of Kentucky has reportedly converted its weight room into a giant pizza kitchen, while Gonzaga University has hired a team of Italian grandmothers to hand-make pizzas for their players. Dr. Mozzarella Pepperoni, a fictional nutritionist specializing in performance-enhancing cuisine, defended Flagg's pizza diet. "The combination of complex carbohydrates, protein from the cheese, and lycopene from the tomato sauce creates a perfect storm of athletic fuel," Dr. Pepperoni explained, gesticulating wildly with a slice in hand. "Plus, the grease helps players slide past defenders more easily. It's basic science." The NCAA, caught off guard by this cheesy development, is struggling to regulate pizza consumption in locker rooms. "We're considering implementing a 'two-slice maximum' rule," said Mark Emmert, NCAA president. "But enforcing it might prove challenging. These kids are crafty – they'll probably start smuggling in calzones." Meanwhile, pizza companies are salivating at the opportunity to cash in on the trend. Papa John's has already unveiled a new "Slam Dunk Supreme" pizza, topped with basketball-shaped pepperoni and a special "victory sauce." Not to be outdone, Domino's is test-marketing a "Three-Pointer Thin Crust" that promises to improve shooting accuracy or your money back. As for Flagg, his pizza-fueled success has caught the eye of NBA scouts. One anonymous scout raved, "His ability to box out defenders is matched only by his ability to put away an extra-large with everything on it. That's the kind of versatility we look for at the next level." Looking ahead to the Final Four, Flagg plans to take his pre-game meal to new heights. "I'm thinking about adding a dessert pizza to the mix," he mused. "Maybe something with Nutella and marshmallows. Gotta keep the defense guessing, you know?" As March Madness 2025 hurtles towards its cheesy conclusion, one thing is clear: Cooper Flagg and the Duke Blue Devils are riding a wave of mozzarella-covered momentum all the way to the championship game. Whether this pizza-powered strategy will result in cutting down the nets remains to be seen, but one thing's for certain – it's going to be one delicious journey.

In the meantime, aspiring basketball stars across the nation are flocking to their local pizzerias, hoping to eat their way to success. As Flagg himself put it, "Remember kids, practice makes perfect, but pizza makes champions."

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In a stunning upset, the underdog Swamp State Crocodiles triumphed over the formidable Ohio State Buckeyes baseball team, as reported by Sportsapalooza journalist Pia Confetti. Confetti highlighted the extraordinary performance of 18-year-old freshman Herb "Knucky" Caxton, the Crocs' knuckleballer extraordinaire. With an impressive display of skill, Caxton struck out a staggering 22 players, flawlessly preventing any balls from leaving the infield. Remarkably, Caxton relied solely on his slow-moving, fluttering 41-mph crawling knuckleball, eschewing the traditional repertoire of curveballs, sliders, sinkers, forkballs, or screwballs. His unconventional style baffled the Buckeyes and secured a glorious victory for the Crocs. In an endearing twist, Caxton, donning the number 13 jersey, shared a heartwarming anecdote with Miss Confetti. He revealed that his dairy farmer grandfather had made a promise: if Caxton threw a no-hitter, he would receive the gift of three prized milk cows. As the young pitcher basks in the glory of his no-hitter, Herb clings to the advice of his grandfather, that if baseball doesn't work out, he can always rely on the lucrative dairy farming business. Three cows might be a good start, but he'll have to up his game and knuckle-down if he's going to make bank. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/a-knuckleball-pitcher-for-swamp-state-college-throws-a-4-0-no-hitter-against-ohio-state/?feed_id=11862&_unique_id=67d6cd52bf21f

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In an astonishing turn of events, all the major MLB sportswriters in America have unanimously declared Ferris Papaya, a 12-year-old from Louisiana, as the most sensational Little League hitter since the dawn of time itself—well, at least the past 84 years when the Little League was first formed. Hailing from the bustling city of Shreveport, Ferris resides with his 13 brothers and sisters, along with his mom and dad. With an awe-inspiring 4-year Little League career, this young baseball maverick boasts an otherworldly batting average of .613. Ferris holds the illustrious title of the United States Little League home run record with a jaw-dropping 52 homers in just four short years. Take a moment to let that sink in. At the tender age of 12, Ferris already towers over his peers at an astonishing height of 6-foot-1 and tips the scales at a whopping 187 pounds. This pint-sized powerhouse has left MLB veterans and scouts dumbfounded, with legendary hitter Albert Pujols exclaiming, "Papaya swings the bat like he's 19 and possesses the strength of a mythical titan!" Ferris' father Enrico revealed an exclusive scoop to The Sportz Buzz News—his prodigious son has already inked a top-secret (shh!) baseball promissory contract with none other than the New York Yankees! That's right, folks, as soon as young Ferris reaches the ripe age of 18, he will don the pinstripes and unleash his extraordinary talents on the grand stage of Major League Baseball. It's clear that Ferris Papaya is destined for unparalleled greatness in the annals of baseball history. Stay tuned for more mind-blowing feats from this Little League wunderkind! https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/the-best-little-leaguer-in-the-entire-nation-has-signed-a-promissory-contract-with-the-new-york-yankees/?feed_id=15888&_unique_id=67d5a60cb50ee

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In a bizarre turn of events, Pi Day celebrations were disrupted this year when a group of mathematicians realized they had been celebrating on the wrong date. The confusion arose when they tried to apply mathematical precision to the calendar, only to discover that their calculations led them to believe Pi Day should be on July 22nd instead of March 14th. The mathematicians, who had been diligently calculating pi to billions of decimal places, somehow overlooked the fact that the date "3.14" is a cultural construct specific to the U.S. format. They argued that since pi is approximately 3.14159, and 22/7 is a closer approximation to pi than 3.14, Pi Day should logically be celebrated on July 22nd. As the news spread, chaos erupted among Pi Day enthusiasts. Pies were left uneaten, and mathematical equations were scribbled on blackboards in protest. The mathematicians, however, remained steadfast, insisting that precision is paramount, even when it comes to party planning. In a statement, one of the mathematicians said, "We can't just round off the date like we do with pi. That's a mathematical sin." The group has vowed to continue celebrating Pi Day on July 22nd, much to the dismay of pie bakers and party planners worldwide. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is left wondering if these mathematicians have finally found a way to make math even more confusing than it already is. As one observer noted, "It seems they've managed to turn Pi Day into a never-ending pi(e) in the sky." https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/pi-day-celebrations-marred-by-mathematicians-who-cant-even-get-the-date-right/?feed_id=15867&_unique_id=67d4a7d5b8c78

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PALM BEACH, FL—In a twist that has sent shockwaves through the worlds of golf, politics, and tabloid journalism, sources close to the pair have confirmed that golf legend Tiger Woods and Vanessa Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump Jr., are officially dating. The unexpected coupling has been hailed as a match made in scandal heaven, with experts predicting a relationship so volatile it could single-handedly revive the print magazine industry. "It's like they were made for each other," gushed celebrity relationship expert Dr. Harmony Heartbreak. "Tiger's legendary ability to find the hole from any angle, combined with Vanessa's experience handling larger-than-life personalities and family drama? It's a recipe for pure, unadulterated tabloid gold." The new power couple reportedly bonded over their shared interests, including golf, luxury lifestyles, and navigating the treacherous waters of public scrutiny. Sources say their first date involved a romantic round of golf, during which Woods impressed Trump by simultaneously texting seven other women while sinking a hole-in-one. "I've never seen anything like it," said an awestruck caddy who witnessed the feat. "It was like watching a master juggler, but instead of balls, he was juggling phones and golf clubs. Truly inspirational." The relationship has already yielded numerous benefits for both parties. Woods now has a built-in excuse for his frequent "business trips," while Trump can leverage her expertise in handling family drama and media attention. In a surprising turn of events, even Donald Trump Jr. has given the relationship his stamp of approval, marking the first time in recorded history that the Trumps and liberals have found common ground on any issue. However, the path to true love is never smooth, and the couple faces unique challenges. Chief among them is the difficulty of distinguishing between Woods' golf scorecard and his infidelity tally. To address this, the couple has reportedly hired a team of forensic accountants to track Woods' extracurricular activities. "It's actually quite simple," explained lead accountant Numberly Cruncher. "We've developed an algorithm that correlates Tiger's golf scores with his text message frequency and hotel check-ins. If his score goes up but his messaging goes down, we know he's actually playing golf. If it's the other way around, well... let's just say Vanessa gets an alert." The couple has also embraced innovative approaches to relationship management. Their version of couple's therapy reportedly involves 18 holes of golf followed by a lie detector test, with results live-streamed on OnlyFans for their most devoted followers. Public reaction to the relationship has been overwhelmingly positive, with golf enthusiasts particularly excited about the potential for a new reality show tentatively titled "Keeping Up with the Birdies." Meanwhile, Mar-a-Lago is considering a new membership package called "Golf with the Stars (and Their Exes)," which promises members the chance to play a round with Woods while Trump critiques their swing and shares juicy family gossip. Las Vegas oddsmakers have had a field day with the new couple, offering bets on everything from the relationship's longevity to the likelihood of Woods winning his next tournament while simultaneously planning a romantic getaway. Current odds favor Woods breaking up with Trump before breaking par in his next major. Looking to the future, the power couple has already announced plans for a matching golf attire line called "Fore Play," featuring club covers that double as prenuptial agreements. Woods is also working on a new signature move dubbed the "Trump Pump," a fist bump so powerful it can allegedly drive a golf ball into orbit and deflect any incriminating text messages. In a joint statement, Woods and Trump expressed their excitement about their new venture: "We're thrilled to embark on this journey together. Our shared experiences have uniquely prepared us for a relationship where trust is optional, and scorekeeping is mandatory.

We look forward to many years of love, laughter, and meticulously documented alibis." As news of the relationship continues to dominate headlines, the American public is advised to stay tuned for the inevitable reality show, tell-all book, and commemorative golf ball set. In the meantime, relationship experts recommend that couples looking to spice up their love lives should consider adding a healthy dose of scandal, a dash of media frenzy, and a sprinkle of golf-related innuendo to their relationships. After all, in the words of famed relationship guru Cupid McHeartstring, "If your relationship isn't causing an international media sensation, are you even really dating?" https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/tiger-woods-and-vanessa-trump-because-who-needs-trust-in-a-relationship/?feed_id=15841&_unique_id=67d4541ab96c9

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In a shocking turn of events, Rosie O'Donnell, the renowned comedian and actress, has not only relocated to Ireland but has also taken it upon herself to declare her sovereignty over the Emerald Isle. This bold move comes as she seeks to escape the political turmoil in the United States, which she has been vocal about criticizing. "I never thought I'd leave America, but Ireland has stolen my heart," O'Donnell said in a statement. "And since I'm here, I figured, why not go all in? I've always been a natural leader, and what better way to lead than as the Queen of Ireland?" O'Donnell's ascension to the throne was met with a mix of amusement and confusion among the Irish locals. While some welcomed her with open arms, others questioned the legitimacy of her claim. "We didn't exactly have a royal election, but she does make a mean Irish stew," said a Dublin resident. As Queen, O'Donnell has vowed to bring about a new era of peace, equality, and comedy to Ireland. Her first decree was to make Guinness free for all citizens on Fridays, which was met with widespread approval. When asked about her plans for dealing with the existing Irish government, O'Donnell smiled mischievously. "Oh, they're welcome to stay as my advisors. After all, who needs a parliament when you have a queen with a sharp wit and a love for Irish folklore?" O'Donnell's move to Ireland was initially sparked by her dissatisfaction with the U.S. political climate, particularly following Donald Trump's reelection123. However, it seems she has found a new passion in ruling Ireland, at least in her own imaginative realm. In response to her declaration, President Trump tweeted, "Fake news! Rosie O'Donnell can't even rule her own household, let alone a whole country. Sad!" O'Donnell retorted, "At least my kingdom doesn't have a wall around it, Donny." As the news spreads, fans and critics alike are left wondering if this is just another chapter in O'Donnell's satirical playbook or a genuine attempt at royal ambition. Either way, it's clear that Rosie O'Donnell is determined to make her mark on Ireland, one joke at a time. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/rosie-odonnell-moves-to-ireland-immediately-declares-herself-queen-of-the-emerald-isle/?feed_id=15738&_unique_id=67d1dd92bd227

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In a bizarre turn of events, attendees of Druski's sold-out motivational seminar, "Get That Bread, Bruh," have reported an inexplicable craving for sandwiches. The seminar, which aimed to inspire young entrepreneurs and comedians, took an unexpected turn when participants began lining up outside local delis and sandwich shops immediately after the event. "I was motivated to succeed, but then I just really needed a turkey club," said one attendee. "I mean, who needs a six-figure income when you can have crispy bacon and avocado?" Druski, known for his comedic antics and motivational speeches, has denied any involvement in the mysterious sandwich cravings. However, sources close to the comedian suggest that he might have secretly partnered with a local sandwich chain to promote their new "Motivation Meal" – a sandwich so inspiring, it's said to make you want to start your own business. As the phenomenon spreads, health experts are warning about the dangers of excessive sandwich consumption. "While sandwiches can be a great source of energy, eating too many can lead to carb overload and decreased productivity," cautioned Dr. Jane Smith, a leading nutritionist. "We urge everyone to maintain a balanced diet and not let their motivational seminars dictate their eating habits." Meanwhile, Druski has announced plans to launch a line of motivational sandwiches, each named after a different aspect of his seminar. The "Believe in Yourself BLT" and the "Grind Turkey Club" are expected to be top sellers. In related news, local sandwich shops have reported a significant increase in sales, with some owners attributing the boom to Druski's seminar. "We've never seen anything like it," said Tom Johnson, owner of Tom's Deli. "It's like the whole town is craving sandwiches all of a sudden. We're just trying to keep up with demand." As for Druski, he remains tight-lipped about the sandwich conspiracy, but his Instagram stories have been filled with sandwich-themed memes and jokes. When asked for comment, his team simply replied, "Get that bread, bruh." https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/druskis-new-motivational-seminar-get-that-bread-bruh-sells-out/?feed_id=15716&_unique_id=67d035fabd8bd

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Sports Territory Magazine has just broken the story that one of the richest oilmen in Texas, Byron Bentley Brookstocker, 101, has married one of the most beautiful cheerleaders to ever cheer for the Dallas Cowboys. The May-December pair were married in the exquisitely luxurious Lady Godiva 5-Star Hotel in St. Tropez, France. Jilly Dominion, 22, sat atop a beautifully magnificent white $1.7 million Saddlebred horse, while Brookstocker sat in his $750,000 customized San VaVaVoom wheelchair. The event was attended by over 3,000 people, including the owner of the Dallas Cowboys Jerry Jones, Paul McCartney, Kate Gosselin, Demi Lovato, Lionel Richie, and Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Spanish matador Joaquin Gazpacho. Music was provided by the heavy metal Irish band, WD-40, whose latest single titled "The Ballad of the Shamrock Apocalypse." is currently number 3 on The Top 99 Music Chart. SIDENOTE: The wedding almost did not take place because Brookstocker's six adult children wanted for Jilly to sign a pre-nup and she told them that they could all go to hell in an Uber bus because she wasn't signing shit. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/a-101-year-old-texas-oil-billionaire-marries-an-extremely-gorgeous-22-year-old-dallas-cowboys-cheerleader/?feed_id=15635&_unique_id=67c491b5bc974

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The Sports Bet Gazette is reporting that MLB Commissioner Rob "The Man" Manfred is sick and tired of having to pay millions of dollars to remove nasty, vulgar, sickening tobacco juice stains from the floors of MLB dugouts. Manfred has issued a proclamation, effective immediately, that any player who is caught spitting his tobacco in the dugout will be hit with a $25,000 fine. He noted that if that player spits his tobacco a second time, he will be suspended for three games, in addition to being tasked with cleaning up the mess using a mop and Dawn Detergent. Manfred's crackdown on tobacco spitting brings to mind a similar incident involving the iconic Babe Ruth in 1932. Ruth found himself in hot water over spitting in the dugout. The official league sponsor tobacco was "Knuckleball Nibble", but Babe defiantly popped in a pinch of "Ruth's Rebel Chew" during a game, much to the chagrin of league officials. Ruth was fined $20 and made to perform the "baseball ballet" during the seventh-inning stretch. Ruth, dressed in a frilly tutu and ballet slippers gracefully pirouetted, pliéd, and twirled on the pitcher's mound, much to the amusement of the spectators. The incident sparked a heated debate, but was settled swifty by Ruth's management team. The following year all game goers under 14 years were handed a free sample of Ruth's Rebel Chew. SIDENOTE: The manager of the world champion Houston Astros, Dusty Baker, commented that he is thrilled at Manfred's ruling, adding that he has had it with getting those disgusting chewing tobacco stains on his baseball cleats and then tracking that mess into his 2023 Lamborghini's carpet. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/major-league-baseball-will-now-issue-fines-to-players-who-spit-their-chewing-tobacco-on-the-dugout-floor/?feed_id=15609&_unique_id=67c33eb1be63a

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WASHINGTON D.C. — In a shocking turn of events that has left millions of Americans reeling, the entire nation collectively realized today that they would be unable to spend money for an entire 24-hour period due to the government-mandated "Blackout Friday" initiative. The unprecedented crisis has sparked widespread panic, with citizens grappling with the terrifying prospect of existing without engaging in commerce for a full day. "I... I don't know what to do with my hands," stammered Sarah Johnson, a 32-year-old marketing executive from Chicago, as she stared blankly at her idle smartphone. "I've tried swiping my credit card on various surfaces around my apartment, but nothing's happening. Is this what our ancestors felt like?" The initiative, announced by Karen McDollars as a measure to "remind Americans of the joys of non-consumerist living," has been met with confusion, outrage, and in some cases, physical symptoms of withdrawal. Reports of citizens experiencing cold sweats, trembling, and uncontrollable urges to recite their credit card numbers have flooded emergency services nationwide. In New York City, impromptu support groups have formed in parks and abandoned storefronts, with shell-shocked individuals huddling together for comfort. "Hi, I'm Brad, and it's been 3 hours since my last purchase," one man was overheard saying to a circle of nodding, teary-eyed peers. Economic experts have weighed in on the potential ramifications of this day-long spending hiatus. Dr. Moneybags McWallet, chief economist at the prestigious Buy 'Til You Die Institute, warned of dire consequences. "Our projections indicate that this 24-hour period of non-spending could lead to a catastrophic 0.00001% drop in GDP," McWallet explained, visibly shaken. "The very fabric of our society is at stake. What's next? People realizing they don't need to upgrade their phones every six months?" On Wall Street, traders have resorted to exchanging Monopoly money and Pokemon cards in a desperate attempt to feel some semblance of normalcy. "It's not the same," lamented trader Chad Chadington III, clutching a fistful of colorful bills, "but at least it's something." The corporate world has scrambled to adapt to this bizarre new reality. Amazon hastily announced "Pre-order Saturday," a service allowing customers to schedule purchases for the moment Blackout Friday ends. "We understand the pain our valued consumers are going through," said CEO Jeff Bezos via hologram. "That's why we're offering a 0.0001% discount on all items ordered during this difficult time." Meanwhile, Starbucks has introduced "Imagination Lattes," encouraging caffeine addicts to visualize their favorite overpriced beverages. "Just close your eyes and pretend you're holding a warm cup of our artisanal, ethically sourced, hand-crafted bean juice," a chipper barista told a twitching customer. "That'll be $5.99 for the mental experience." Social media platforms have been inundated with posts from influencers struggling to create content without their usual array of sponsored products. "How am I supposed to influence without things to influence with?" wailed TikTok star @BuyMyLife in a tearful video that somehow still managed to last exactly 15 seconds. As the day progresses, a small but growing number of citizens have reported a strange sensation of "inner peace" and "contentment" after several hours without spending. However, these individuals are being closely monitored by concerned family members and marketing executives. "We're cautiously optimistic that most Americans will make a full recovery once spending capabilities are restored," said Dr. Shoppy McBuysalot, head of the newly formed Department of Consumer Rehabilitation. "However, we recommend easing back into normal spending habits gradually, starting with small purchases like cars or vacation homes." As the nation counts down the hours until they can once again freely part with their hard-earned cash, President McDollars hailed the initiative as a resounding success.

"Today, we've shown that Americans can do anything they set their minds to, even if that thing is doing absolutely nothing," she declared proudly. "Now, who's ready for No-Breathing Tuesday?" Citizens are reminded that therapy and support services are available for those traumatized by their day of non-spending. Additionally, the government has issued a statement encouraging all Americans to "practice responsible spending... starting tomorrow, of course." https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/nation-horrified-by-sudden-realization-they-cant-spend-money-for-one-whole-day/?feed_id=15587&_unique_id=67c2091bda420

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LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking move that has left sports management experts scratching their heads and trust fund babies cheering, Netflix's new series "Running Point" has conclusively proven that nepotism is the secret sauce to success in professional basketball. The show, which premiered last week, follows the misadventures of Isla Gordon (Kate Hudson), a party-loving heiress who suddenly finds herself at the helm of a struggling NBA team, armed with nothing but her family name and an impressive collection of designer pantsuits. "We wanted to showcase the untapped potential of individuals who have never worked a day in their lives," said showrunner Mindy Kaling, herself a product of hard work and talent, but don't worry about that right now. "It's high time we celebrated the true heroes of our society: those born on third base thinking they hit a triple." The series has taken the entertainment world by storm, with critics praising its innovative approach to sports management. Isla's groundbreaking strategies, such as "Instagram Story Timeouts" and "Champagne Shower Motivational Speeches," have revolutionized the way we think about running a professional sports franchise. "I never thought I'd see the day when a team's starting lineup was determined by a 'Who Wore It Better' contest," said fictional sports analyst Chad Broheim. "But I'll be damned if it didn't increase merchandise sales by 500%." The show's success has had a ripple effect throughout the real-world sports industry. Sources report that several NBA teams are now actively recruiting from Malibu High School's "Rich Kids of Instagram" club, with one anonymous GM stating, "We used to waste time looking for players who understood the game. Now we just find someone whose dad owns a yacht." Universities across the nation have taken notice as well, with elite institutions rushing to add "Nepotism 101" to their course catalogs. Harvard Business School has even introduced a new major: "Failing Upwards in Style." "We're seeing a surge in applications from students whose only qualifications are their last names," said fictional admissions officer Penelope Worthington III. "It's refreshing to see young people embracing their birthright of unearned success." The cast of "Running Point" reads like a who's who of Hollywood's most privileged offspring. Alongside Hudson, the show features Justin Theroux as a washed-up former player turned reluctant assistant coach, and Lily Collins as the team's social media manager who believes TikTok dances are a valid form of physical therapy. "It's like 'Moneyball,' but instead of statistics, we're using follower counts and family connections," explained Theroux, whose character spends most of the series trying to explain what a free throw is to Isla. "It's a testament to the power of believing in yourself, especially when that belief is backed by generational wealth." The show has garnered numerous accolades, including the prestigious "Most Realistic Depiction of Privilege" award and "Best Use of Designer Suits in a Sports Setting." Critics have praised its unflinching portrayal of nepotism in action, with one reviewer noting, "It's like watching a train wreck, if the train was made of solid gold and somehow still reached its destination." "Running Point" has sparked a cultural phenomenon, inspiring a new generation of trust fund babies to pursue their dreams of running things they know nothing about. Social media is abuzz with hashtags like #NepoBabyBaller and #BornToRun(ATeam), as privileged youth everywhere realize their potential to fail upwards spectacularly. As the show gears up for its inevitable second season, Netflix executives are already exploring spin-off possibilities. Rumored titles include "Nepo Babies in Space" and "Supreme Court: The Next Generation." In conclusion, "Running Point" stands as a testament to the true American dream: succeeding without trying. It serves as an inspiration to all those born with silver spoons in their mouths and not a care in the world.

So, grab your favorite artisanal popcorn, pour yourself a glass of champagne that costs more than most people's rent, and settle in for a binge-watching session that will leave you feeling both entertained and oddly validated in your life choices. Remember, aspiring viewers, it's not about what you know, it's about whose kid you are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my parents and ask why they haven't bought me a basketball team yet. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/netflixs-running-point-proves-nepo-babies-can-dunk/?feed_id=15537&_unique_id=67c1fb4bb85b2

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BUCHAREST, ROMANIA — In a stunning move that no one asked for, self-proclaimed “Top G” and part-time legal defendant Andrew Tate has officially announced his latest educational endeavor: Top G Prison Survival 101—an online course designed to help “real men” maintain dominance while serving time behind bars. Tate, who is currently entangled in legal battles in Romania, has assured his followers that his latest incarceration stint was not an unfortunate turn of events, but rather a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to gain exclusive, high-value knowledge” that he is now generously offering at a discounted rate of 500 cartons of cigarettes or the prison equivalent of $10,000 USD. “This isn’t a setback—it’s a strategic business move,” Tate explained in a video filmed from a dimly lit holding cell, where he was inexplicably shirtless. “The Matrix tried to break me, but instead, they gave me free housing, a free gym, and 24/7 access to my thoughts—exactly what an alpha male needs to sharpen his mind. So now, I’m passing that wisdom on to you.” A Curriculum for the Strongest (and the Most Easily Scammed) The course, reportedly designed to “turn any beta inmate into a Top G,” includes a comprehensive curriculum covering the most vital aspects of prison survival. Module 1: "Shadowboxing in a 6x8 Cell – Because Real Men Stay Ready"Tate kicks off the course by addressing the number one concern of any true alpha male: maintaining peak physical performance in an environment devoid of Bugattis and Instagram models. Students will learn how to shadowbox aggressively in their tiny cells, ensuring that they are always prepared for both real fights and imaginary ones with “the haters.” “Your enemies could strike at any moment,” Tate warns, before demonstrating a right hook into thin air. “Even if they don’t, you should still stare at the wall and pretend they do. That’s the mindset of a Top G.” Module 2: "How to Maintain Alpha Status in the Yard"This lesson covers critical dominance techniques, including winning unblinking stare-downs with convicted felons, casually dropping push-up stats into conversations, and referring to the prison warden as ‘bro.’ “Respect is everything,” Tate lectures. “The moment you walk into the yard, you have two choices: assert dominance, or let the Matrix take your shoelaces.” The lesson reportedly also advises students to “never show weakness,” though one source claims Tate was recently seen flinching when an inmate named Big Tony cracked his knuckles too loudly. Module 3: "Negotiating with the Warden – The Hustler’s University Way"In this section, Tate teaches inmates how to hustle their way into better conditions by using “persuasive” negotiation techniques, such as offering motivational speeches in exchange for extra commissary and attempting to bribe guards with Hustler’s University subscriptions. “I sat down with the warden, looked him dead in the eye, and said, ‘Listen, bro. You need to escape the Matrix. You think you’re in charge, but you’re just a pawn.’ And boom—now I get an extra slice of bread at lunch,” Tate boasts in the course trailer. However, prison officials later confirmed that the only thing Tate actually received from this negotiation was a firm dismissal and a warning not to ‘alpha male’ the guards. Module 4: "Women Don’t Exist Here, But You’re Still the Top G"Perhaps the most groundbreaking lesson, this segment focuses on maintaining one’s self-image as a high-value male in an environment where the only female presence is a stern-faced prison psychologist taking notes on your delusions. “You have to visualize success,” Tate explains, pacing his cell with the energy of a man who hasn’t been outside in weeks. “Some guys say, ‘Oh, but Andrew, there’s no Bugattis here, no yachts, no models.’ You know what I say? The bars on my window are just the doors to a luxury sports car. The concrete floor is my private jet runway. And the guards? They’re just bouncers at an exclusive club that I own. Mindset is everything.”

Testimonials from the ‘Top Gs’ Behind Bars Despite Tate’s insistence that his course is changing lives, reviews from his fellow inmates paint a more complicated picture. “This course is legit, bro. I started doing 300 push-ups a day, and now my arms are so big I can’t fit in my own jumpsuit,” said one prisoner who asked to be identified only as Lil Ricky. Others, however, were less convinced. “I tried his ‘Stare Down for Dominance’ technique, and now I owe three different guys cigarettes for my hospital bills,” admitted another inmate. Prison officials have also expressed concern over Tate’s influence, noting that he has attempted to recruit followers into a “jail-exclusive” branch of Hustler’s University and is allegedly charging inmates for life advice in packs of ramen noodles. Final Words from the Top G Himself When asked if he had any final words for those considering joining the course, Tate smirked confidently at the camera and adjusted his non-existent cuffs. “Most men wouldn’t last a day in my shoes,” he declared. “But I’m built different. If the Matrix wants me locked up, that just means I’m too dangerous for the outside world. And honestly? I like it this way. It’s just me versus the system, Top G style.” As of now, the only thing standing between Andrew Tate and his full-fledged prison empire is the minor inconvenience of the prison itself. But as any Top G knows, the Matrix is temporary—push-ups are forever. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/andrew-tate-launches-top-g-prison-survival-101/?feed_id=15512&_unique_id=67c1dfdcb7341

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King Charles III, has just announced that his mum, Queen Elizabeth (aka Queen Lizzy) bequeathed $700,000 to her favorite Major League Baseball team, the world champion Houston Astros. The queen was very fond of Astros superstar Jose Altuve, who last year sent her four front row tickets to an Astros home game, which the queen attended with her son King Charles III, and Prince Harry and his gorgeously sexy wife Meghan Markle. Buck House reported that Lizzy was so thrilled, excited, and honored at Jose's kind gesture that she sent him, one of her prized autographed 17th century Queen Anne crowns. She asked the Venezuelan native for an autographed baseball. Altuve not only sent her three autographed baseballs, he also sent her one of his autographed fielder's gloves, an autographed baseball bat, a pair of autographed baseball cleats, and one of his autographed crotch cups. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/king-charles-iii-reveals-that-queen-elizabeth-left-700000-to-her-favorite-major-league-baseball-team/?feed_id=14499&_unique_id=67c1c6ecb3705

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HOLLYWOOD — In a stunning move that no one could have possibly seen coming except for literally everyone, DreamWorks Animation has officially announced Shrek 5 will introduce a brand-new character: Shrek’s long-lost brother, Brock the Ogre, a smooth-talking, ruggedly handsome, and completely unnecessary addition to the Shrekuniverse. Even less shocking? He will be voiced by Chris Pratt. “Fans have been waiting years for a Shrek sequel, and we wanted to make sure we delivered something fresh, exciting, and, most importantly, completely dictated by market research,” said a DreamWorks spokesperson at a press conference, standing in front of a 60-foot cardboard cutout of Chris Pratt flexing. “Brock is the fun, relatable, and slightly more attractive alternative to Shrek, perfect for today’s audiences who demand protagonists that look like they have a personal trainer.” A Brother With a Conveniently Marketable Backstory According to DreamWorks, Brock the Ogre is Shrek’s younger, estranged brother who was separated at birth and raised in a different, more conventionally handsome swamp. While Shrek spent his formative years scaring villagers and living in filth, Brock was allegedly “too charming” to live in a swamp, instead finding success as a professional adventurer, entrepreneur, and fitness influencer. DreamWorks insists Brock’s backstory “organically” fits into the existing lore and was in no way forced into the plot to extend the franchise another decade. “The emotional core of Shrek 5 is about brotherly love, forgiveness, and selling more merch,” said a studio executive. “We can’t wait for kids to argue over whether they want a Brock plushie or a classic Shrek toy, even though the choice is obviously Brock.” Chris Pratt: The Unofficial Voice of Every Animated Character Ever Critics have already raised questions about Chris Pratt’s involvement in yet another major animated franchise, to which DreamWorks has responded, “He tested well with focus groups.” Despite a vocal range that has been described as “Chris Pratt” to “Chris Pratt, but slightly louder”, the studio insists Pratt was always the first choice for Brock the Ogre. “We auditioned dozens of actors, but at the end of the day, Chris just had that special something—a multi-million-dollar contract with every major animation studio,” said casting director Jennifer Longley. “He brings a unique energy to Brock that feels fresh, new, and almost exactly like Star-Lord but in a swamp.” Fans were quick to speculate whether Pratt will attempt a Scottish accent like Mike Myers’ Shrek, but sources close to production say that’s unlikely. “We realized Brock grew up in a different swamp, one that inexplicably gave him a generic American accent,” said a producer. “It’s definitely not because Chris Pratt refuses to do voice work beyond his regular speaking voice. That would be ridiculous.” A Necessary Sequel or Just Another Nostalgia Cash Grab? Many have questioned whether Shrek 5 is actually necessary, given that the franchise wrapped up fairly definitively with Shrek Forever After. DreamWorks, however, insists the world desperately needs more Shrek content. “We’ve seen a huge resurgence in Shrek memes, TikTok edits, and ironic appreciation over the past few years, so it only made sense to capitalize on that,” said a marketing strategist while adjusting his “Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life” hat. “The thing about nostalgia is, as long as people keep yearning for the past, we can keep profiting off it. It’s a beautiful cycle.” Industry insiders report that if Shrek 5 is successful, DreamWorks will fast-track a Brock the Ogre spinoff film and a potential Shrek Cinematic Universe (SCU), which may eventually crossover with The Minions franchise for a multiverse event so powerful it will single-handedly destroy cinema as an art form. What’s Next for the Shrek Franchise? With Shrek 5 set for release in 2026, speculation is already swirling about future plotlines. Leaked storyboards suggest DreamWorks

is considering a grim, gritty reboot of Shrek, featuring a divorced, washed-up ogre struggling with his swamp being foreclosed on due to rising property taxes. Meanwhile, unverified rumors claim that DreamWorks has already started developing a Lord Farquaad origin story, tentatively titled Farquaad: Rise of the Manlet, which will explore the emotional trauma that turned him into the ruthless dictator of Duloc. Insiders say the studio is considering Timothée Chalamet for the lead role, ensuring that even the evilest characters must be played by attractive men. Shrek 5: The Inevitable Conclusion Ultimately, whether Shrek 5 is a bold new chapter or just another nostalgia-fueled cash grab doesn’t really matter—because we’re all going to watch it anyway. The second that first trailer drops, and Smash Mouth’s All Star starts playing, society will crumble under the weight of its own nostalgia, and we will once again pledge allegiance to the swamp. So mark your calendars, prepare your best ogre impressions, and get ready for a cinematic experience that is sure to make you laugh, cry, and question why Hollywood insists on bringing back everything except original ideas. Because at the end of the day, we all know the truth: Shrek is inevitable. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/4804-2/?feed_id=15462&_unique_id=67c1c3373ac01

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SEATTLE — In an exciting new development for the billionaire fitness community, Jeff Bezos has revealed the secret behind his chiseled physique: an intense, full-body workout regimen centered entirely around lifting massive bags of money. The Amazon founder and occasional space tourist took to social media this week to unveil his fitness routine, which he claims has transformed his body and strengthened his grip on global wealth. "People ask me, ‘Jeff, how do you stay in such incredible shape?’” Bezos said in a video, flexing in front of a stack of gold bars. “The answer is simple: resistance training. Specifically, resisting the urge to pay taxes while lifting bags of cash.” "It’s All About Financial Weightlifting" According to Bezos, his unique routine focuses on functional strength—the kind required to haul enormous sacks of unspent worker wages, untaxed profits, and stock buybacks over his head like a deranged Santa Claus. "Every morning, I start with bicep curls using a stack of hundred-dollar bills,” Bezos explained, demonstrating his flawless form. “Then, I move on to deadlifts—hoisting duffel bags full of stock dividends while laughing maniacally." Fitness experts are already calling Bezos’ approach “revolutionary,” though many note that his method is only accessible to those with an estimated net worth of over $190 billion. “The average person can’t just go out and lift $50 million in untraceable offshore assets,” said Dr. Emily Carter, a leading personal trainer. “But they can try curling their student loan statements while sobbing. It’s essentially the same muscle group.” A Workout for the Elite Bezos’ new fitness routine has reportedly caught the attention of other billionaires, many of whom have started incorporating similar methods into their daily schedules. Elon Musk has begun bench-pressing Tesla stock fluctuations while balancing on a precarious stack of overpromises. Mark Zuckerberg is performing endurance training by carrying the weight of his failed Metaverse investments. Bill Gates has reportedly taken a more advanced approach, replacing his standard jogging routine with sprints toward lucrative patent loopholes. Meanwhile, regular Amazon warehouse workers attempting the routine have found that their version involves a very different kind of resistance training—specifically, resisting the urge to collapse from exhaustion while lifting 600-pound pallets of unsold Echo Dots. “We tried doing the Bezos workout,” said James Calloway, a warehouse employee in Ohio. “But instead of lifting money, we were just lifting our arms to beg for a bathroom break.” Health Benefits… Or Just Hoarding? While Bezos insists that his routine is purely for fitness, critics argue that it might just be an elaborate excuse to hoard even more wealth. “At first, I thought this was a joke,” said financial analyst Richard Langley. “But then I realized: lifting bags of money isn’t just a workout—it’s his entire economic philosophy.” Sources close to Bezos claim that he is already considering launching an exclusive Amazon Prime Wealth Trainingprogram, where participants can sign up for a monthly subscription to receive pre-filled moneybags, delivered in two days or less. Coming Soon: Space Training? Looking ahead, Bezos has hinted at his next fitness venture: Zero-Gravity Wealth Training. According to insiders at Blue Origin, Bezos is developing an elite exercise experience where billionaires can train their muscles by lifting offshore bank accounts while literally floating above the poor. “Earth’s gravity is simply too restrictive,” Bezos stated, pausing to adjust his diamond-encrusted wrist weights. “By working out in space, we can simulate the real conditions of extreme wealth—where nothing, not even consequences, can hold us down.” Call to Action: How You Can Get in Shape, Too For those hoping to try the Bezos workout at home, the billionaire has a simple message: “Step one: acquire a global monopoly. Step two: stop reading this article because you’re too rich to care.”

For everyone else, Bezos recommends a different form of exercise—practicing deep, controlled breaths while staring at your Amazon cart, debating whether you can afford two-day shipping this month. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/jeff-bezos-new-workout-lifting-bags-of-money/?feed_id=15286&_unique_id=67c0f107bae17

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NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking move that's set to revolutionize both reality television and the American penal system, Bravo has announced its latest spin-off series: "Real Housewives of the Correctional Facility." The show, inspired by "Grande Dame" Karen Huger's recent DUI arrest, promises to bring the glitz, glamour, and petty drama of the "Real Housewives" franchise to the gritty world of women's prisons. "We're always looking for fresh ways to exploit—I mean, showcase—our talent," said Andy Cohen, Bravo's executive producer and professional pot-stirrer. "When we heard about Karen's legal troubles, we thought, 'Why stop at house arrest when we can go full Orange Is the New Black?'" The show will feature a star-studded cast of former housewives and newcomers, all serving time for various white-collar crimes and misdemeanors. Karen Huger, self-proclaimed "Grand Dame of Cell Block D," will lead the ensemble cast, which includes fictional cellmates like "Botox Bandit" Brittany and "Ponzi Scheme Pam." "I'm thrilled to bring my etiquette expertise and fabulousness to the prison system," Huger said from behind bulletproof visitation glass. "These women may have broken the law, but that's no excuse for breaking the rules of proper society." The series promises to deliver the catfights, backstabbing, and ostentatious displays of wealth that "Real Housewives" fans have come to expect, but with a unique prison twist. Instead of lavish galas and exotic vacations, viewers will be treated to cell block fashion shows and riots over contraband makeup. "We're really pushing the envelope with our challenges this season," said showrunner Meredith Kornhauser. "One episode has the ladies competing to see who can smuggle in the most Botox using only their body cavities. It's gripping television." Celebrity guest wardens, including Martha Stewart and Teresa Giudice, will make special appearances to mentor the incarcerated housewives on how to maintain their lifestyle brand while behind bars. "It's all about personal branding," Stewart advised in a promo clip. "Why settle for a prison nickname when you can have a prison lifestyle empire?" The show has already secured several high-profile sponsorships, including a line of designer orange jumpsuits by Gucci and a collection of shiv-proof evening gowns for the reunion special. Additionally, MAC Cosmetics has signed on to release a limited-edition "Jailhouse Glam" makeup palette, featuring shades like "Solitary Confinement Shimmer" and "Parole Hearing Pout." Not everyone is thrilled about the new series, however. Prison reform advocates have criticized the show for glamorizing incarceration and trivializing the experiences of actual inmates. In response, Bravo has promised to donate 0.001% of the show's profits to prison literacy programs, or whatever cause is trending on Twitter when the show airs. Despite the controversy, anticipation for "Real Housewives of the Correctional Facility" is high. Fans are already speculating about potential storylines, such as who will control the prison's underground etiquette school and which housewife will be the first to earn a coveted spot in the minimum-security wing. "I can't wait to see how these ladies handle being stripped of their wealth and status," said longtime "Real Housewives" fan Tiffany Blanton. "Well, most of their wealth and status. I'm sure they'll still find a way to be ridiculously over-the-top." As the premiere date approaches, Bravo executives are confident they have another hit on their hands. "This show is going to be the most arresting television experience of the year," Cohen declared. "It's got everything: drama, redemption, and product placement opportunities in places you never knew existed." "Real Housewives of the Correctional Facility" is set to premiere next month, assuming none of the cast members make parole before then. Viewers are advised to set their DVRs and prepare for a season of justice served with a side of juicy drama. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.

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