lightofthemoon19

[lightofthemoon19]

as someone who doesn't believe in souls i think a large part of my anti-leaning endo-neutralness is because a lot of endo experiences sound like make-believe to me. like that's cool *you* believe you're multiple souls in one body, i'll respect you as a person but i believe in that as much as i believe in any gods. which is to say, not at all.

[lightofthemoon19]

okay expanding on this a bit more, im essentially starting to wonder if we (i??) may have been wrong about having DID. which is kinda crazy bc ive been convinced i have it for about three years now, but im trying to actually think through this instead of just dismissing it as "thinking you're faking is a sign of DID."

first off, no matter what conclusion i come to, im not nor have i ever been "faking" DID. i never made any conscious decision to pretend to have a serious disorder, and if i dont have DID it's because i have a large amount of DID symptoms that could be more accurately attributed to something else other than DID. im making this post mainly as a way to gather my own thoughts on the matter so apologies if it's a little rambly or hard to follow.

things that i know right now:

i struggle with psychosis to some degree, never delusions as far as i know but i have experienced hallucinations before

there is a high chance (like 90% certainty but i havent been to a therapist/psychologist about it) i have maladaptive daydreaming disorder

there is a slightly lower chance that i might have bpd, and while i dont know a whole lot about bpd at the moment i do know a large part of it includes intense mood shifts

i experience dissociation and derealization to an abnormal degree

i have a history of trauma, and amnesia surrounding a large chunk of my childhood. im still fairly certain ive got cptsd

i am fully willing to admit i have a slight history of confirmation bias when it comes to figuring out what's going on inside my own head, because i would much rather write it off as whatever ive decided it must be instead of having to further figure out what could be going on. in the year or so leading up to figuring out i had DID i was hyperfixated on learning about it, and it is possible i may have jumped the gun on what exactly my experiences added up to

currently, what i believe could be the case if i don't have DID, is that a mixture of everything above led me to think that i have it. i was hyperfixated on learning about it, experienced dissociation, derealization, had a bad sense of self, was finally coming to terms with the fact i had trauma, and had amnesia about most of my childhood, and potentially started to have delusions that i was a system, as well as maladaptive daydreams about being one that turned into full-on delusions. i could be wrong about this, but that's my theory so far.

ill probably add onto this later about why im starting to think i may not have DID. im really not sure where to go from here or what to do but wish me luck while i try to figure this out i guess lol

is this a really intense episode of "what if i dont really have DID" or is there a possibility i dont really have DID

[lightofthemoon19]

is this a really intense episode of "what if i dont really have DID" or is there a possibility i dont really have DID

[lightofthemoon19]

"people in real life: hey man how's it going" is a killer phrase. instantly neutralizes whatever insane discourse you find online. gonna start using that from now on

[lightofthemoon19]

shoutout to systems who use parts language!!! and a friendly reminder for others that parts language isn't dehumanizing and can be useful- as with all terms and labels, when the user chooses to apply it to themselves! we're sorry parts language is forgotten so often and ignored, i hope everyone who uses it has a good day today !

[lightofthemoon19]

i hate seeing parts language vilified. i saw a super funny meme where op put a disclaimer saying “i dont use “”””parts”””” language this is just for sillies!”

but people DO use parts language. parts language helped us get to a point where some parts could self elect the language they wanted to use for themself. parts language is not bad or icky and i hate seeing people treat it like it is.

[lightofthemoon19]

im personally not one to say whether endos are real or not (at this point ive come to the conclusion that honestly i dont really have any opinion, bc maybe theyre real, maybe theyre not, but i still cannot for the life of me understand how theyre real if they are) but i feel like its not an awful thing of me to say that i just dont want to share a community with them. like bottom line is, if endogenic systems are real, their experiences are wildly different from CDD systems. we can connect over having alters, but thats where the similarities end. even the way we each experience having alters is completely different in some cases (i view our alters as parts of our mind, some endos view them as separate souls in one body (i dont even believe in souls lol)). there's tons of stigma and lack of acceptance around both endogenic systems and CDDs, but i personally view us as two separate communities. i feel like that's how we would best thrive, is as two communities with some overlap but at the end of the day still separate. i dont want to be put in a group or category with endogenic systems, because i dont relate to them at all. and just the same, most endos dont relate to my experience at all. i view my plurality as purely caused by a mental disorder, one which i wouldnt wish on anyone. and a lot of endos strongly disagree with that stance on their own plurality. because theyre two completely different things.

idk this turned into kind of a ramble but essentially, im neutral on endos existence and its not my place to tell anyone what's going on in their own mind, but i do think we would be better as separate communities with separate terms and ideas of what we are. i think that's a big part of why ive always leaned more anti-endo, is because i dont relate to or understand endogenic plurality and have never felt like i could lump myself into the same category as endos. i am beginning to unlearn that "endos arent valid or real and they all need to admit theyre faking ‼️‼️" mindset though because, respectfully past me, what the fuck those are in fact real people and you have no idea what they're experiencing. regardless of any misinformation they've spread (which isnt even a valid argument bc ive seen PLENTY of CDD misinformation from the CDD community as well).

[lightofthemoon19]

being a system is so funny like. oh something really shitty happened. well time to not know who i am for like a week lol!!!!!!

[lightofthemoon19]

if some of you would actually take the time to read the scientific literature you claim to adhere to, you might realize that a core feature of complex dissociation is denying, minimizing and straight-up forgetting trauma. and if you think with your brain for five seconds, it may also occur to you that if you have complex dissociation, it means your experiences were "enough" to cause complex dissociation!

if you put these two ideas together you might even come to the logical conclusion that it's fucking useless at best to argue about what's "severe enough to cause a system" and what isn't!

[lightofthemoon19]

there's no such thing as "not enough trauma."

every trauma is enough. if you're a system, your trauma was enough (& even if it turns out that you're not a system, diminishing & devaluing your trauma won't help to figure it out).

you were a child. children are easily traumatized. children have less experience, fewer coping skills. children aren't meant to deal with shit. so shit are traumatizing for them.

treat yourself with respect. treat your trauma with respect.

[lightofthemoon19]

i think one of the endo labels that confuses me most is "traumaendo" or "mixed origins" systems. like i dont understand what they mean by that. did their system form in multiple ways at once?? or do they mean the origins of their alters, in which case, theyre just a cdd system. alters in cdd systems can form for different reasons, and even unknown reasons, and those alters can be completely disconnected from trauma, but theyre still a traumagenic system if their system stems from some type of trauma. even if it doesnt seem like "enough" to have formed your system, and you think there must be some reason on top of that...its probably the trauma.

the thing about it is it just worries me how many people might be downplaying their experiences, or ignoring symptoms, or not getting the help they need because they dont think theyre a system purely because of trauma.

[lightofthemoon19]

The future should not be plural.

The future should accommodate for those with dissociative disorders.

The future should have further more thorough research in dissociative disorders.

The future should be more accepting of dissociative disorders.

BUT

The future should not be plural.

That means children are getting repeatedly traumatised at an impressionable age.

That means children don't have healthy coping mechanisms.

That means children AREN'T SAFE.

The future should not be plural, but it should be respectful and accepting to those who are.

[lightofthemoon19]

God the "you have to find your plurality distressing to call it a CDD, I don't find my plurality distressing therefor I'm not disordered" is really not understanding what the "disorder" part of "Dissociative Identity Disorder" means.

There's other aspects of CDD than the presence of alters. Sure that's what sets CDDs apart from other dissociative disorders, but the "distress" part of a CDD diagnosis is not specifically about feeling distress towards having alters.

Some people find the amnesia distressing. Some people find the dissociation itself distressing. Some people may not feel distress but the "disordered" aspect comes from being impaired by the disorder. Impairment can and often looks like "well I'm doing perfectly fine" while they end up losing jobs and friendships and relationships and missing appointments but they don't see it as a problem because "well I can still get by minimally". Distress and impairment can be caused by the symptoms listed under the diagnostic criteria and the symptoms listed under "Associated Features".

DID isn't plurality disorder. It's a disorder that happens to include the presence of alters as part of its diagnostic criteria.

[lightofthemoon19]

Hot take: syscourse needs to be more about learning & growing rather than trying to forcefeed your point of view down others' throats with no sources to wash it down and then getting upset when they puke it back up.

[lightofthemoon19]

Quick syscourse reminder:

Be nice. A lot of hate is showing up nowadays; make sure to remember that there's another person on the other side of the screen.

[lightofthemoon19]

Hi, what's the history of Endos? Why are they ableist in your opinion, if you don't mind me asking. I have DID, I'm diagnosed, but Endos seem like they could be real as well, to me, anyway. But I don't know much about them.

hi, i'm assuming this is probably referencing an old post of ours from a while ago and i'm not entirely sure what it might have said, and some of our syscourse opinions and stances have changed slightly since then so i'll kind of just go over this and talk about our current opinion on endos. also, this is mostly my (our current host) personal opinion and i am a different person than who used to mainly use this blog.

first off, im definitely not the person to ask for any sort of extensive history of endos. i only really know what i've personally seen and understood, which is how they've affected the DID/OSDD community in a largely negative way. while it's definitely not all endos, a large majority of them have spread a lot of misinformation about DID and caused a lot of genuinely traumatized individuals who need help (us included) to not get that help they need. our trauma healing was put off months because endos had us convinced we weren't actually traumatized and our system had just spawned out of nowhere.

they also have a tendency to invade spaces for trauma survivors with claims like "well we're all systems." even if this is true, those of us with DID/OSDD are trauma survivors, and having alters and systems is not necessarily the bulk of our experience and sometimes we want our own safe spaces, and somewhere to talk about our experiences without endos butting in and talking about including them in our trauma positivity and education.

as for if endos are real or not, i've come to the conclusion that it's not my place to say. i know absolutely nothing about what goes on in another person's head. however, i have yet to see any actual scientific proof that they exist, and i can't wrap my head around how that level of compartmentalization and fragmentation of identity can happen without trauma. i made a post a while back asking someone to explain, and received no response that actually answered my questions. those that say it's a spiritual thing need to understand that trying to force me to acknowledge them as a system is akin to christians trying to force me to believe god exists. you're entitled to your spiritual beliefs, but i don't share in them, and respect goes both ways. i personally don't believe in souls, and therefore don't believe you could have multiple in one body.

all this to say, i don't believe in spreading baseless hate about endogenic "systems." they need to stay out of DID spaces, and stop spreading misinformation about trauma disorders, but i personally couldn't say for sure whether they do or don't really exist, so it's not my place to hate them if they're not doing anything wrong. although, as i said before, respect goes both ways. if they could leave the DID community alone, and acknowledge we are two completely different groups with different histories and experiences, then i probably would have no opinion on endos at all. but a lot of the endo community still largely wants to push themselves into DID spaces and claim we're one in the same, which is objectively not true, hence my system's general dislike of them.

[lightofthemoon19]

Could we get some positivity for systems who don’t want fusion? Who are fighting to maintain systemhood for their own well-being? Sometimes the trauma is too much for just one person

Hi anon,

Sure, I can do that. With a small caveat.

First of all, fusion is a normal thing that can happen with trauma healing whether the system wants it or not. You very rarely choose to fuse. It’s the brain’s way of saying “we don’t need two or more guys for this anymore, let’s combine them to one.” It’s a normal and natural part of the healing process. Even if striving for functional multiplicity, there will be fusions along the way and you will rarely “end” with the same number you started with.

Fusion is a deeply personal process and not all systems like it or want to do it. Final fusion especially can be terrifying to consider when you have lived as many your whole life. But I do want to note that fusion does not have to be scary and it doesn’t mean you are losing anyone. In most people’s accounts of fusion that I have seen, the fused part still feels both/all parts within them. They often describe it as a wonderful feeling after the initial shock and confusion of the event, especially if sudden. My experience with fusion was wonderful and it massively benefited the system.

From the perspective you are sharing, that all of this trauma is too much for one person, it makes me believe that you are not in a healed enough state to consider it. Of course the trauma is too much for one person, that’s why you’re multiple! Healing that trauma and lowering amnesia barriers/dissociative barriers and integration of memories between alters is necessary for both final fusion AND functional multiplicity. You cannot be functionally multiple if you still experience major amnesia gaps between parts or are still having your everyday life ruled by trauma and triggers. Healing from your trauma is what pushes fusion to occur, because those memories are no longer too much for one person to handle. Once you process those trauma memories completely, they will not affect you like they did before. You will remember them, but not be distressed by them. You will not be triggered by the things within that memory anymore.

So positivity for systems who don’t want to pursue fusion, that’s perfectly fine! It’s a personal choice. But please do not let the fear of the memories being too much for one person to handle to stop you from making that choice. Because fusion won’t occur between parts if the memories aren’t processed anyway. Fusion is a natural part of healing in systemhood and is a good thing! If that’s not the direction you want to go and you want to strive for functional multiplicity, that’s amazing and you can do that! But functional multiplicity also requires a high level of integration of memories too. Which means all parts involved in the system will eventually know all the memories anyway. Wanting to keep memories separate is natural for a system because that’s how you survived, but to actually heal requires less barriers and more memory sharing so that you can live a functional life.

Hope this helps, anon. Please take care!

-Dorian🌹