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[lil-nova]

3/10/23

Itsa Mario day. It’s also the day before my partner’s birthday. Since December of last year, a lot has happened. I have learned a lot and I’m feeling like me. I am in harmony with my kid-counterpart. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I lost a friend to issues. He couldn’t grow up or move past things. Understand that I made mistakes, and I’m not entirely grown either. So, he decided to hurt me emotionally and I couldn’t take it. So he’s no longer in my life, and it’s going to be okay. I felt like he was always judging me, and it felt like he held me back from being myself. It was very toxic, as he also inserted himself into my relationship with my partner.

Other than that, I have been putting my artwork out there and creating things I want to create. I am happy <3

[lil-nova]

12/12/22

I noticed the stomach pains more and more each day. My partner and I are taking things easy. I should be happy that there is some stability. But, a part of me yearns for more. Although, I must be strong to be myself. Unfortunately, I have lost myself. I have become an empty container of what I used to be. I am no longer what I wished to be, but only the thing that college has molded me to be. A worker. I feel as if I have lost my sparks. I lost what I had. Unfortunately I might have ADHD, as by told by therapy. I do not easily feel things. Everything feels like a tsunami of feelings. My small hands can’t hold the enormity of them. I think everything is exhausting. Everything is tiring, and I am no longer me. When I do try, coping isn’t all too easy. Or, I have a terrible coping mechanism that drains my energy down to the bare bone. To below 10%.

I want to be where 2018 me was. Those days seem easier. Or even 2014. But the pain, from what I have been told, is a foretelling of change. I want a house for me and my partner. I want to go to work and then come home to build on my hobbies and skills. I wish for being a grown adult with all the freedom of being me and doing what I know is best for me. I want to be free. I want to have the funds to decorate for the season. I want to invite friends over for the season, and feed them amazing foods. Spend time with the people who care the most. Who know I love them and they love me.

I want to give back to the people who have helped me. But then, in the darkest deepest crevasses of my mind, I hear that I am not good enough. They wouldn’t want to be around me. I am not what they expect of me.

Despite these thoughts, I know they aren’t true. I am constantly at battle in my mind of what is reality. It is awful. I am going to write as much as I can to drive these thoughts away. Nothing is as dark as your own mind. I need to be my own light in the dark.

I am not a number, a thought, an object, a therapist, a mother. I am me, a writer, a creator, an artist, a lover of games, and design.

I don’t trust many people, but I’m trying to. I don’t love myself as much as I should, but I’m making baby steps. I want to be better, truly, genuinely. I am not a bad person for not having the tools for my emotions. I was never taught. The one person that did, was damaged. Dad knew how to love me as his daughter, but as a person he didn’t see me. I know now as my guardian looking over my shoulder, he wants me to succeed. To thrive. To live the life I deserve. The life I know I deserve. Where I am happy. I am glad to be me.

I know I had put these things on my partner. I feel awful. I want us to be okay again, but time is required. Patience is key. But my aching mind is going to kill me. I am worried almost constantly. He is in contact, but I am over working my mind. This is something I need to fix, and that is okay. I am okay. I hope that he is though. I trust him. I trust his love. But god, please stop these dark looming thoughts, please.

[lil-nova]

Recently has been shit. But a kiwi made it better.

[lil-nova]

A Little Personal

TW: if you don’t like depressing things don’t read.

As I am growing into the adult I am supposed to be, I realize more and more my parents were light-years away from being perfect. I want to write about my experiences in hope of getting them out. Finding peace within myself over the years to come, is all I want out of sharing these vulnerable pieces of my life. Dad wasn’t all too great of a person. He was sexist, racist, and an all round conservative person. Although, throughout my childhood he showed sexual curiosity for queerness. He did love thy neighbor. Just nothing usually added up, contradictions left and right. He would yell and scream at mom and my brother. He never liked how mom handled raising me. With my brother, dad believed that men were meant to have a full life by 21. So he was kicked out for a year, which wasted a bunch of money. My household was unpredictable, noisy, and confusing. I know for sure I have depression and anxiety of some form, but getting a diagnosis is tough with my financial situation as a college student. I suspect ADHD. Mom was never around emotionally, it felt like I couldn’t cry without hearing “Why are you crying for??” being shouted at me.

Dad on the other hand would keep me together emotionally. I had so much difficulty with emotions as a child. I remember vaguely crying at my school numerous times for missing dad. I remember not wanting to play with other kids, because I felt so detached from everything. You can’t say a child can’t remember those things. Some people cut negative memories out of their unconsciousness, but I never did.

I remember all the horrible things that went on in that house, and all the worry I had. All the blame I put on myself for my parent’s divorce, despite them telling me it’s not my fault. THEN, turning around when they were in the heat of an argument to tell me I was meant to be aborted. My dad, my friend at this point in time, wanted me aborted. I asked him about what mom told me and he said, “Your mother wouldn’t be fit to take care of you. I didn’t want another child to suffer, again.” He told me when I was born, I was his shining pride. It was like something kept him going for as long as he did, and he loved me. He loved how smart and talented I was. He was so proud. He valued my existence. Although, those negative traits would leak through and taint the fatherly love. It pains me to think about, but he would critique my eating habits. He told me if I didn’t do XYZ, I would never find a boyfriend. No boy would want me. But he also told me, don’t mess with boys. In retrospect, it confuses the hell outta me. Emotionally he helped me get over a lot of things with mom. Yet again, it was tainted with them always fighting. She said, he said. Back and forth, for what felt like eons. At one point, they would use me to send messages back and forth. I stood up for myself as a kid, “I’m not your telephone, daddy.” I remember I told him while sitting in the black Chevy truck waiting for mom to pick me up. The more I dig in my memories, the more I see how terrible they acted around me. As if I were a doll to be tugged around. I was somehow an object in their spats to nudge one another to do something. It sucks. They are my parents, but they are both so flawed. So you got me at 21 years old. 9 years since Dad passed away. I know he wouldn’t like who I am. But I know I am almost free from this generational cycle of pain. I want to be free. Free from shame, from pain of the past, from the inky blackness that plagued my family’s hearts before I was even conceived. I want to live for the people I have in my life currently. I have been through hell since I was born. Being tossed around by the forces of life. I needed to let this all out, so I can take on the bigger wave ahead of me, existence as I am. Who I am, and being unapologetically me.

[lil-nova]

11/29/2022 - 4:06pm

I’m a senior now, I still enjoy being up on campus. A lot has happened since I wrote here last. I’m just glad I’m doing well right now. I feel rocky in my relationship with my boyfriend, but it’ll be okay once I get outta college. Our schedules never seem to sync, and he just doesn’t like the stress he has from it all. I have to plan everything, and he has a hard time deciding times. Plus, his work schedule is always rough and sporadic. I feel bad, because I want alone time with him, but usually we have friends over or we play games at someone’s house. It’s all just very complicated, and I don’t think breaking up is the solution. I really want to work through things, even if they get tough. We don’t hate each other or share negative feelings about one another, it’s just our needs aren’t always met. Hopefully once I get out of college, it’ll put some ease into our schedules and set aside our problems. Aside from boy problems, I have issues finding friends that I can trust. It’s really tough finding someone who can understand me other than the one person, my boyfriend. I think it’d also help with me trying to get his attention a lot for things I do in my off-time from college work. During Quarantine and everyone leaving, it made it so much more difficult for me to find people to hang out with that I feel fully comfortable with. I just genuinely can’t trust people. I need a group or community to talk to about interests. Where I don’t feel attacked, ridiculed, or exempted from.

Good news though, I and graduating this Spring. I am working on my capstone and I’m planning to make a tiny game. I’ll post more about that later.

In career stuff, I love games and I want to make games that represent me, my ideas, and beliefs. I want to be an indie game maker, maybe work for a company. I’m not sure with all the stuff with SA in the workplace at Blizzard. It kinda discourages me to work in those environments, but hey “girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep.” If I really want to I should do it regardless.

[lil-nova]

Vix/ Vixxie/ Mei Chua

A changeling who has a love for books and knowledge. She studies with the elves to become a lunar sorceress in succession of her parents. Her story begins in a small village surrounded by mountains and sea, Wandermere. A village founded by traders built by their descendants. Mei’s mother operates the school house, and her father is the librarian. Afraid of prejudice, Mei’s family go under the family name Chua and become humans to be socially acceptable. Her uncle runs a noodle cart that moves around town, but usually in front of the local tavern. He’s good friends with the owner and sometimes has a drink with him. Mei is a quiet girl. She has many friends that she loves to play with and go on small adventures with. One day, the group (Oryx, Odhran, Amon, and Tucker) follows the Daggony, her uncle’s friend, who is also the town drunk. After finding him, the village is under attack by the Black Guard.

The Black Guard are truly evil. Destroy everything living thing in their path, innocent or otherwise. They were after Daggony’s and Oryx’s dragon eyes. (A powerful magical item, taken from the body of a dragon long gone.) Daggony knew the urgency of the arrival of the Black Guard, so he ushered the group into the mountain caverns. Mei watched smoke rise and heard screams echo through the woods as she fled with everyone. She couldn’t cry or feel anything. The group made their way through the mountain to the other side.

After a long rest, morning came and Daggony was unsure what to do. Out of nowhere, an elvish fleet riding griffons informed Daggony of what was happening and that the king requested his presence. Although reluctant, he agreed to see the king. The king offered a place to rest and food to eat. Then, he offered that the group stay and keep the dragon eyes safe. Daggony was off-put by the Elves, as he told the group that they had their own agenda. The king understood the concerns voiced, and decided to introduce a dragon that has been under the keep of the kingdom. A bronze dragon being kept in a large room snoring, watched by a young elf. This dragon was one of the very first dragons and was on his death bed. He had separated Mei from the group, and gave her his eye which was the only thing keeping him alive. She began to tear up silently, as she rested her hand on the Brass dragon’s snout. He assured her that he’ll be reincarnated again one day, and he had lived a long life. The bronze dragon shakily rose and took out his eye and it floated in soft amber light to Mei. Mei cried as the Bronze dragon faded away.

The young elf was a descendant of the first elf to ride the dragon who had just passed. He was a caregiver and best friend of the dragon. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he held Mei’s shoulder assuring her that it’s okay. Mei vowed to the Bronze dragon’s soul that she’d use it in his honor.

Afterwards, Mei decided to stay and study. Massive is an understatement to the size of the library in the elvish city. Mei spent years studying in the library and making friends with an elf that shared the same interests. ...... To be Continued

------------------------- A character of mine for a DnD game that I play with some friends. She’s an extension of myself, which I didn’t intend but kinda just happened. I love her and I would die for her.

[lil-nova]

To My Inner Child

Dear Inner Child,

I can see you locked behind that massive red door, and you are huddled into a corner. Afraid of what you are and what you’ll become. Afraid of others’ opinions of you. You are stuck between being yourself and being who others want to see you as. You were hurt and abused by adults. The only person who seemed to genuinely care, passed away.

My dear, you have been dealt the cards of misfortune and misery. Mother always seemed to never understand your antics. You seemed alien to her. This made you feel distant from her and yourself. As time passed, people continued to make their marks on you. Positive and negative, physical and mental. You have met wonderful people who will never give up on you, and those who never truly gave a hoot.

It will be okay dearest. You are okay. You can be yourself, so please don’t be held back from others. No one should hold you back, even yourself. Write those “cringy” fanfictions. Draw “cringy” fanart of what you enjoy. This is what allowed you to thrive. It is this, what made you happy when no one was around.

I am 20 years old now, dearest. I cannot be myself to those around me or even on the internet. I have no outlet for my passion, and now it almost feels that I am drained of ambition entirely. I want to open this massive door. Time is the key, but I want a sliver of what was once my ambition. I feel more burned out than ever, and I want to rekindle our relationship. You are me, and I am you.

Forget “cringe”, because we are too young to stop what makes us happy. Life is too short to stop us from making art or creating stories. We can be “cringy” together, and forget what others have told us. They never understood how these small things actually meant the world. The ability to escape the world as it is through creativity was lost, but we need to find it again.

So please I beg of you, don’t go. Stay here with me and we can grow together.

With most love,

Your burnt-out, depressed, and anxious 20 year old self

[lil-nova]

TW: If this offends you I apologize. This is purely a derivative of past memes.  How I Made These Memes:

I was using Flashpoint by BlueMaxima at 3AM, and I saw the e-card makers from Cartoon Network. I thought it’d be a glorious idea to make memes outta the formats and stickers. Annnd... voilà~~ *french kiss* a perfect baked meme biscuit.

[lil-nova]

If you remember him, you may be entitled to financial compensation. You’re old now. Sorry.

[lil-nova]

Do you ever miss the feeling of your elementary school library? I remember mine having beanbag chairs. I fell asleep in one while reading an astronomy book. Then, my teacher accidentally left me behind. When she got to the room she noticed I was missing.  The quietness of my mind, creating images as I read the scary stories in the furthest corner of the library. I miss it. It’s such a good feeling. I had no worries in the library, it was me, myself, and a good story.

[lil-nova]

Dicord_Chat_Highlights_01

Friend A:Why do you look like Harley Quinn?

Friend B:Would that make your BF Joker?

Intoxicated Me:*wheezing* *crying* *praying* No, it'd make him the Hamburglar.

*Both Fren A n B wheezing*

Him: You can't just call me the Hamburglar and get away with it :'(

Friend B:I think she just did, bro

[lil-nova]

The Veil in Cygnus ©

[lil-nova]

2/17/2022 - 12:00pm

College is doing pretty well, and I might make new friends. I find it too harsh to rely on the same person constantly. I know I’m difficult, but I’m trying to get better at finding time for myself. 

I’ve noticed that I’ve been staying up late and getting poor sleep. I should try to go to bed earlier. 

I just got a e-mail notification saying our group got a 100% on our proposal. I worked my booty off for the “systems analysis” and “cost analysis” sections. It feels good that it paid off. So far, I enjoy that class a lot. 

I’m not entirely sure what I wanna do with my IT degree, but I kind enjoy systems analysis and management. Although, I’ve been also thinking about a masters degree if I can get it paid off and enter into the Computer Science program. 

[lil-nova]

Hello, World!

Nice to meet you, I’m Nova!

A Blurb About Myself

Age: 20

Pronouns: She/Her/They/Them

Interests: horror, astronomy, art, story-writing, video games, make-up

Education: IT degree - Graphic Design

Fav Current Game: Valheim

Fav Current Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1

Fav Current Banger: No One Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

Loved Music Artists: Paramore, Gorillaz, Vocaloids, Ashinikko, Poppy, Saint Motel, IDHBTFM, Jack Stauber, Pogo, LiS OST, Vantage, Studio Killers, Doja Cat, S3RL, beabadoobee, Porter Robinson, Colony House, Boy Pablo, MGMT, Daft Punk, Hardwell

Loved Artists: Trevor Henderson, Junji Ito, Kastushika Hokusai, Simon Stålenhag, Hayao Miyazaki, Francisco Goya

Goals: Finding my muse again, feel like myself, find my definition of success, loving myself

What I Wish to Use my Blog For

I would love to get back into writing short stories again. Poems would also be cool. For this blog, I will use it as a way to dump anything and everything I feel during the time being. I have realized that a lot of the things I think about never gets out, so this will be a way of me expressing myself. I start counseling for the first time this coming Tuesday (02/22/2022) @ 2pm. I took this as a sign to start things I’ve always wanted to do. 

Cringe culture stifled a lot of my creative drive, and now all I have left is the motivation from a looming grade in art classes. I don’t want to live that way. I want to be free from my fears and the constant need to please everyone. I hope great things come from me expressing myself more freely. If you read this all the way through, thank you and I hope you can stick around <3

[lil-nova]

a gifset of planet facts because i rlly love space!!

//please dont remove caption!