limeindatrap

[limeindatrap]

/i think i have lost my self-respect/

This is just a stupid thing that has crossed my mind for a few days but IT HAS A POWER OF A NUCLEAR BOMB FOR MY MIND. I looked back what i have done since my university time started, then i questioned myself: "Do i have big resistance to malice?" or "Have I lost my self-respect?". After a moment of reflection, the latter is the most accurate thing happening with me rn.

Why do i think that? Let's start with my biggest problem (also the primary topic of this post) - appearance. Specifically, I have an average body type - not too fat, not too slim, it is just AVERAGE, i mean... nothing special to make anyone walking on the street look back to me. My face (i am Asian btw): i have a round face, monolid eyes, pug nose and the WORST of all: PROTRUDING TEETH. Besides, the way i live prioritize FREEDOM ✨ (it is just a pretext for my lack of caring-myself time for improving other things), so i don't spend much time on skincare or clothing (i'm scared of various things: my mom, judgements, bla bla). I know the reason why this problem happened was because of me.

But i was still confident of myself cuz i know that i do have other values such as skills, academic achievements, etc.

However, things started to go wrong when I was in my high school. I had... loooots of friends in highschool years as i am an authentic ENFP, the problem is that: there are some bad friends among them all. They often judged my look, my specific parts on my face and body, my outfits,... It happened so many times that i could not count. Ah! I also have boyfriends, but i caught them two-time lmfao. Having a boyfriend is fun, till he said your appearance with no make-up and cute clothes was the reason of his cheating (lmao) (my exes often did that).

I was so so so so so pessimistic at that time, but now there is a change...

Reaching university, it's good that i also have many friends and other relationships; however, i don't make friends as many as before and also try not to interact with them much. THEN! I was judged (again) by a boy in my class just a few days ago. But I don't feel so bad like I was in my high school time anymore.

I believe that there is some issues in my mindset rn, I manage to reflect and realize: "I started to believe all of the bad words for my appearance are right. I consider them facts, so I cannot be hurt mentally." In particular, instead of overthinking ("Why am I so ugly??"), I just say "meh, I am so ugly haha". But I don't feel any confidence or happiness in my heart, it is just... empty and slightly sad.

Have i lost my emotions because i was negatively judged so much? Maybe. Or is it a step for growing up? Idk. I think that i need to fix something, but i dunno what to fix... I think there are some conflicts in my mind.

[limeindatrap]

Shuji in MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM GQUUUUUUX E04

[limeindatrap]

DO WHAT YOU LOVE

Maybe it's been a year (?) since my last post on Tumblr. During that absence time, I've graduated from my high school before studying in an economics university. And erm...it seems that my ambition and my current university major are not really related, but i gotta say art is OVWEWHELMINGLY attached to me (as my biggest passion).

This is not a suitable time for telling a freaking long story, so I guess I gonna say smth about my feeling.

I don't really remember when was the first time I've started drawing, perhaps it was when I was 4 or 5 years old. The feeling is like: "Oh, i am sooo excellent at this, I think I can be a potential artist in the future (lol)". But the reality aggressively slapped me on the face when I realize that my dream cannot help me earn money. However, it is just a negative feeling coming across my mind when I was in my first year of high school. Therefore, I still drew and drew and drew every year. Art is my BIGGEST passion, allegedly. If I don't draw, I cannot be ME.

The real things happened when I got to university. I started posting my illustration on X (the stuff that I didn't do in the past due to my thinking of "I'm not good enough"), and the number of likes are around 10 to 20. The reason is that what I posted were just boring illustrations with shit lines and shit coloring, which couldn't catch any attention. I managed to improve my drawing techniques and story-telling factor; nevertheless, everything was still the same. Gonna be my worst time ever argghhh.

After that, I thought about the 'content creating', which is (in my opinion) a story-telling method through memes or the likes, and it can effectively bring about fame for artists. But I have a conflicting mindset in that time: "I don't need that content creating stuffs, I believe my pure arts are good enough (actually no) to catch people attention!" (actually, now I still think that, but I changed a liiitle bit in my mindset).

In short, I was "Why am I so flop??" and "I only draw the things that are ME!!" at the same time. (CONFLICTING ISSUE)

AND the milestone happened! I watched a anime named "Kidou Senshi Gundam GQuuuuuuX" and immediately fell in love with Machu and Shuji (kyaaaa). I started to draw fanarts. And I gotta say that I've poured all of my deepest feeling into drawing them, I drew what I love to draw without getting negatively obsessed with attentions. I was sooo happy even when I am just a small account. I found the freedom in drawing like that. Then I decided to draw fanarts about GQuuuuuuX and my otp, which eventually got so many likes and attention (lol).

Finally, I just wanna say "Thank you" to that previous me for not giving up my passion just because of the likes and follows. I just did what I really love to do, drew the things that I love. Just follow what your heart says when you create arts.

p/s: I'm still a small account but I'm truly happy. In addition, I think that i will write more about my drawing experience. Btw, here is my X account: https://x.com/limeindatrap

[limeindatrap]

/Why is everything so complicating when it comes to family?/

It’s not about my parents but my aunt and uncle. So my grandma passed away 2 years ago but in her funeral, there were just my family and some relatives who have chosen to stay in the hometown.

There are some people who don’t know much about how emotions work in our blood and mind. The reason may be that “they love to express their emotions cuz they respect themselves”. It sounds great and I totally respect this view, but not like the way my aunt and uncle treated my grandma.

Respecting others sometimes feels so tough.

12:36 a.m

29 June, 2024

[limeindatrap]

/I miss my high school time. /

It isn’t similar to any other nostalgic stuffs as it is going around and around every now and then in my mind. Sometimes it makes me burst into tears whenever there is a random memory emerging in my good old days.

Coming back to that good old time is impossible, but hoping for impending happy hours is what it brings to me.

00:23 a.m

26 June, 2024

[limeindatrap]

Internet connection cannot refrain me from being positive

[limeindatrap]

Sometimes i feel that i am a girl who is extremely badddd at love. It's not 'bout how bad i was, it is how i was hoping that my crush would love me, too. And of course, it didn't happen :v

[limeindatrap]

I hate covid-19. During quarantine i cannot meet my crushhhh 😢😢 but i cannot be so selfish while others are preventing corona :v. Although we cant meet i still love him =))

[limeindatrap]

Attack on titan but cute:)

I draw eren, armin, mikasa ^^

[limeindatrap]

Sometime i draw for fun. But now i realise that it may be my passion:)