lonelyolivia - Tumblr blog

[lonelyolivia]

You came with a warning. Most men don’t. 

You were so concerned. You didn’t want to lose me. You said you just treat women as objects and you didn’t want that for me.

You said if we went down that road...if we made our friendship anything more... you’d break my heart.

You came with a warning, but I couldn’t help myself.

I tired. Oh lord, how I tried. But never before had I been that close to someone. Never before had I been treated like I was somebody too precious to lose. Love was inevitable. 

Once I realized it was love, I dared to dream. 

That was a mistake.

Even as you chased those other girls, I dared to dream I was endgame. I dreamed that one day you’d wake up, ready to settle down and you’d see I was the one.

I told myself I just had to be patient. If I waited long enough, you’d change your mind. 

What a beautiful lie. 

Now I see the truth and my heart aches from the loss.

But hey, at least you warned me.

[lonelyolivia]

I know I should walk away, but I desperately don’t want the ball to die in my court.

[lonelyolivia]

From the outside, I know that it’s not a situation that makes any sense. There’s no logic to it at all. There’s just emotions. Terribly mixed emotions. It just really hurts that someone will get to know you deeply and then not want you. Like how are you supposed to make peace with not being enough? I used to tell myself it was because I wasn’t pretty enough... that if someone would just take the time to get to know me they’d love me. I decided I would reward them greatly. I’d be devoted and loyal and I’d never let them doubt for a second that they are loved. Then it seemed to finally be happening and I was good to my word. I still wasn’t enough.

[lonelyolivia]

February 8, 2021

Loving someone isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. 

That is the lesson I’m in the midst of learning.

 I say “in the midst” because even though I know, I know, what we have is no longer healthy, I just can’t bring myself to give you up.

How can I when, in some ways, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had? When I know there’s no way I could have made it through my dad dying and all the other crazy things of 2020 without you? When you made me feel like the most precious person in the world?

Things aren’t the way they used to be are they though? You don’t think I’m precious anymore. Your sweet words are few and far between these days and when you do say something you can’t just let it be, you got to follow it with “you’re ugly” or “you’re disgusting.” 

I know that’s you’re joking around, but I’m still a girl and hearing that all the time is kind of rough, especially now that your son says it too. Don’t you realize that even though he’s 12, he still looks to you for how to feel about people? He used to think I was cool and would give me a hug and everything before saying goodbye. Now he just gets out of the car without a word.

Maybe it’s that before, you feared losing me. You loved me. You did all these things for me to show me you cared. And I reciprocated. I did things for you too. Little acts of love. But now, you know I won’t just leave you out to dry and you take that for granted.

You take me for granted.

You never used to. In fact, you were always so worried I thought you did. You kept asking me. And I assured you that I didn’t think that. I didn’t. I don’t. 

You don’t use me, but you take me for granted.

It’s breaking my heart.

I did so much for you. Not to hold over you or anything like that, but because I loved you and I wanted to show it. I never let you go hungry. Never made you walk anywhere if it was within my power. I bought you thousands of dollars worth of stuff, because I loved you and I wanted to spoil you.

Worse than all that, I let you cry on my shoulder. I showed up when you were having bad days and did my damnedest to cheer you up. I listened to every word you said and gave you some of my best words. I jammed out with you. Went on adventures....

I really thought you were my soulmate as embarrassing as that is...

But I was never enough and I didn’t draw the lines when it was time to draw them. That’s on me. I trusted too early that you wouldn’t take my kindness for granted. Honestly, based on my track record, I feel like you really tried. You didn’t want to be that person, but without boundaries it was too easy and you succumbed to temptation.

Maybe that’s another reason why it’s so hard to walk away. I don’t even fully blame you. I had a part in it too and I desperately don’t want to be the reason things didn’t work out. I want to know that I did everything I possibly could. That I didn’t give up easily like I do on so many things.

But I feel like we’re spiraling. Every time things seem to get better, something happens and they get so much worse.

I love you. Why can’t that be enough?

[lonelyolivia]

November 24, 2019 5:10am

It’s really not fair that you occupy so much space in my head. Here it’s 5am and I definitely should have been asleep hours ago, but you keep bouncing around in my head preventing me from getting any actual sleep. You don’t care though.

Or maybe you do.

That’s why this is all so hard. I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore. 

It would honestly be so much easier if I thought you never cared. If I thought that you just kept me around to take advantage of my money or my car...if you were actually the user abuser Kelc is convinced you are... I could let go. Or at least maybe I would dwell on you less. But I know that’s not true. You loved me. You did. I know you did. I felt it. 

I felt loved like I never had before. Not in a romantic way.. I’m really sorry I was confused about it for a little while... but in this platonic way that was stronger than any love I’ve experienced in my entire life. That’s why I was confused by the way. You loved me first and it took me a long time to realize I loved you too, but when the feelings finally hit me I thought maybe I was in love with you. Then you tried to kill yourself and I was so distraught that when you confronted me about being in love with you I just said that maybe I am.

You were so nice then. You came into the office and told me that although you don’t feel the same way you still love me and nothing has to change. You held my face in your hands and made me look into your eyes. When I tried to hide and curl into myself, you put your hands on my shoulders and tried to comfort me. In the car, later, when I started to freak out, you sat with me and did your best to make sure I knew everything was going to be okay. You told me to wear something pretty for you the next night. I threw a fit, but I always intended to show up. For you, always.

But that didn’t happen did it? You got with him. You got with him and he made you weak. 

I always thought you were the strongest person I ever met. I learned the hard way I was wrong.

It’s ironic really. You loved me so much that he felt threatened. You fought with him about me... I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were defending me until it was too late. In my defense, you didn't want me to know any of this, so it’s not like I was ignoring facts, I just knew what you’d let me know. That said, I should have had more faith that you really didn’t want me gone...my loneliness and insecurity took over.

Then he pretended he wanted us to get along for your sake. I naively trusted that his intentions were pure. You were my best friend and I was willing to do anything to save our friendship, so I tried. But then he asked me not to help you anymore. Said you needed to learn to struggle and you should only rely on him. I politely told him that I couldn’t promise not to help you if you asked.

That’s when the threats started and I realized he just wanted to cut me out so he could control you. I tried to hold on, but the threats became so bad... I couldn’t do it anymore. Then Kelc told him off because he made me cry and that made things 10 times worse. 

I know I didn’t tell you this, but my mom made me call the cops about him. I told them not to take actions against him, because I didn’t want to make things worse for you. The officer told me that I should make you choose...you know how I feel about ultimatums though. The officer told me that at the very least I should block him. So I did.

I never gave you the ultimatum, but you chose anyway. You chose him. You told me that he could give you things I could never give you. You’re right. I only love you platonically, so I’ll never be able to give you the apparently amazing sex he can. 

And I guess this is why I’m upset. You think you love him, but you don’t. You love the sex and the being controlled. Jesika says it’s because he gives you all this attention your husband didn’t. Yeah he gives you attention, but he says terrible things to you and he tries to change you. You’re wonderful. Why change you?

After Kelc sent that message to him and we blocked him, you sent her a message telling her off. Told her to pass it along. You don’t need friends at work. She showed me and I was so offended. Not that you were cutting us out (although that broke my heart too), but that after everything we’ve been through you didn’t even have the decency to cut me out to my face like you did her.

The next time I saw you, I had to confront you about it. I saw it in your eyes. Sadness. You didn’t message me directly because you couldn’t. You don’t actually want me gone. But you need him more than you need me and he hates me. He hates me because you love me. 

I watched the end of friends tonight. I watched Rachel say goodbye to each of her friends, but completely ignore Ross. And for probably the first time ever, I identified with Ross. How could Rachel not say goodbye after their history? It was because he was her hardest goodbye.

Am I your hardest goodbye?

I think I am. I think you still love me. Platonically. Who would’ve thought nonromantic love could mess us up this bad? 

We just had a strong connection for whatever reason. Everyone saw it. And I know we both felt it. But it’s over. You made your decision and I’m just here struggling to deal with it...

[lonelyolivia]

[lonelyolivia]

What a concept...

I just read a journal entry from 7 years ago where I told my future self that I love her. Somehow it's the most controversial literature I've ever read.

[lonelyolivia]

I hate saying that I love him, because love feels so shameful when it's not mutual.

[lonelyolivia]

12/1/16

I honestly don’t know what sent me into a reminiscent vortex, but it landed me thinking about you again. I’m ashamed you still poke your head into my thoughts. You lost that right a long time ago. Yet here I am, lost up my own ass pining over a time that is never coming back.

Tomorrow will mark five years since I stepped out on that ledge, shivering in the December air, daring myself to jump. I never thought I would. Then again, I never thought anyone would take me that high. The view was so inviting. If only I could touch it...

But I fell didn’t I? I thought for sure you wouldn’t let me fall...you’d held my hand so many times before! Not this time. You couldn’t hold onto me and her. Once of us had to fall....I thought....I thought wrong...

Our friendship was my favorite thing back then and even now I crave the banter. Back then I liked to believe I had nothing but you. That you were everything that mattered. And every thought lead back to you.

When I fell...the pain numbed me to the other hands trying to cushion the impact. I still had my friends. I still had my brothers. I wasn’t alone. 

Miranda and I commiserated. Zach was a cheater and you couldn’t love me. We burned names and sliced flesh. Aaron, dealing with his own demons, introduced us into the just say yes culture. Life was raw. It hurt. But we were alive.

You were so good. And when I thought I had a chance I tried to be good too. But my good wasn’t good enough. And when my good wasn’t good enough I embraced the bad.

You made me a better person. You made me the worst person.

And tonight. Five years later. I am somewhere between those two people. 

[lonelyolivia]

5/13/16

        Today I don’t start with a purpose. Unlike the last several days, today has been largely uneventful. Light-hearted even. Miranda and I have been having intense conversations about her and Tony and last night it mildly turned into a tiff. I accused her of not caring and we battled it out. Finally, she told me “well I have to argue with that and say don’t tell me I don’t care…” to which I responded, “fine, I’ll stop.” An hour and a half passed and I began to regret my abrupt response. She hadn’t texted back and I was getting antsy. Henry and I discussed possible follow up texts, but decided that enough time had passed that any follow up would sound petty so I settled on saying nothing.

           My nothing paid off, because she texted me not even five minutes later apologizing for being harsh. I, too, apologized for being intrusive and she said it was okay, she knew it was because I care so much. I really appreciated that for whatever reason. I guess I just assume nobody sees that I do care and it was nice to be recognized. Today was a lot lighter because of it.

           As for today, I have cleaned mostly. I got in an argument with Mahlon about him not doing anything and focused my anger on cleaning. Now it’s 10:30 and I am tired and hungry. It looks like Henry is out of the shower. Pokémon time!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

           Harsh reality is a gray monotony. Love, no matter the form, is the dream that gives color to the gray world we occupy. I miss colors. I miss the world my diary described as I attempted to navigate my growing feelings for Matthew. Not only do I miss the joys I described, but I also miss the pain of the aftermath of my letter. In both scenarios I managed to feel totally alive. Electrified by unfamiliar emotions, I saw everything in burning color. As my pain dulled to disappointment, so did the vividness of the colors of my life. Now everything is too soft and blurry. I haven’t managed to find even another crush in my four years away at college. Why am I still so hung up on Matthew? It’s not like either of us are special. It’s not like I am in a unique case. Why can’t I move on? The whole thing makes me feel stupid. I hate feeling stupid….

 “Maybe you really did love me, just not in the same way I loved you.”

           I just came across this quote again. Some how I find it so difficult to accept. I know love is complex, but the reality that love can exist between two people without being a mutual type frustrates me beyond belief. I almost find it more appealing for the other party to hate the other person than to love some one but not love them enough. Is love even something that has degrees? Apparently it does because Matthew didn’t actually hate me. He told me he loved me many times before I told him I loved him. He just loved me as a friend. I loved him as more. Our love was mutual. Our degrees of love were different. Both of us hurt from what happened.

           When you are hurting—really hurting—because someone doesn’t return your feelings, it is impossibly hard to believe they have any ounce of love for you and when you finally come around and realize love was there, just not how you wanted it, your hate turns into utter disappointment. Disappointment is harder to stomach than heartbreak in some ways. Heartbreak is such an intense pain you feel like nothing good can possibly exist. Disappointment is an everlasting dull ache that reminds you that good does exist—you just can’t touch it. Love is there, just forever beyond your grasp.

           You can’t even be mad at the person who doesn’t love you enough, because they still loved you a little. They loved you enough to fuel a time of blissful unawareness. They loved you enough not to hate your feelings. They just didn’t love you enough to return your intensity. They didn’t love you enough to not love anyone else. You aren’t an all-consuming force in their life. You are just someone that they are mildly invested in knowing your well-being.

           I don’t even know if my 3AM haze will make sense tomorrow, but I just feel the need to keep writing until he’s out of my system.

[lonelyolivia]

5/12/16

           Sometimes there is no convincing someone to quit doing something that is bad for them. Tony is so selfish. Clearly he is stringing Miranda along. She knows though and yet she continues to be with him. Doesn’t she have more self-respect than that? The whole thing has left me utterly frustrated. I’ve said my piece though so I guess I should just butt out. I just hate to see people I love hurting. The thing is that if I actually tried to take action, Miranda would probably only resent me. Gah, I just don’t even know what to do! Well I do…I should do nothing but sit here and be a supportive friend. I just have all this pent up emotion that needs an outlet. 

Okay, so I sent her a message that said:

                       “You really frustrate me sometimes, you know. Like I still love you and I’ll support your choice and whatever but yeah majorly frustrated. Just                                             thought I’d throw that out there for funnzies. I truly hope it works out for                      you.”

So yeah, that was a very girly message to send, but I feel better and I highly doubt it will cause a fight. Maybe this is healthy communication in a friendship. Who knows?

           Sometimes you have to cut ties with someone even when they are everything you’ve ever wanted. You set that person free and hope that someday you’ll gain life from someone else. I did that with Matthew and it destroyed me, but ultimately I think I am better for it. What if I hadn’t told him? I think right now is the first time I’m realistically considering that question. It’s weird that it has taken me over four years to properly consider that option. Would things have improved between us? Would I have had a shot with him if I had waited? Or would I have been in constant pain of him doting all over Taylor? Would I have regretted not finding out how he felt about me? Would I still be pining over the unknown?

           If I am being honest, I am still pining over him even though I know how he felt. I no longer feel intense pain from the heartbreak but I still think about him sometimes. I think about how we used to banter back and forth all day. I think about how he would look for me when I wandered off alone. I think about how we would struggle through our lessons together—me more so than him. I think about how we almost always ended up paired up. I think about all the things he showed me. I think about his smile and his laugh. I think about that elusive hug I always wanted. I think about how he changed me for the better. I think about all these things and more, but mostly I think about how he made me feel and how worried I am that I will never feel that way again.

           Part of the reason I am writing this is because I am so embarrassed that after all this time I still love him. We’re probably totally different people now. He probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. He never thought about me romantically anyway. But after all of that I still can’t let go. I had a feeling the other day that maybe our story isn’t over and I was afraid. I was afraid because I don’t know if it is just wishful thinking or premonition. I don’t want to dare hope but…I don’t know. I’m stupid.

[lonelyolivia]

5/11/16

           Music is much more conducive to recording feelings but my brain is addicted to ASMR right now.  I haven’t watched ASMR consistently since the school year ended so I have essentially reset my brain to be extra receptive to triggers. My head is in tingle heaven. Ephemeral Rift does a fantastic job.

           Despite my inability to escape the tingles, I do want to write. Nothing particularly eventful happened—just epiphanies in my headspace. As I lay alone in bed a few nights ago, I sunk to rejoining MeetMe for a confidence booster. Being alone beats you down to the point you don’t believe anyone will ever want you. I have come to believe that, but I still hoped for reassurance as I uploaded a recent photo I was particularly proud of as my profile picture. My hair was straight that day and my make up was on point. I wore a zigzagged white and black blouse that gave me an air of elegance I didn’t usually exude with my t-shirts. I felt truly pretty and I wanted the world to see.

           Not long after, messages came pouring in praising my looks—an unfamiliar feeling to say the least. Message after message exalted my beauty and begged for me to do torrid things to them. A few messages were fielded, but most messages were answered with silence. At my size not many people can think of me sexually, so the mere fact that people were giving me attention fueled my deflated ego.

           I exchanged my number with one guy and I was reminded why I didn’t like meetme. Most of the people on there are determined to hook up quickly and I like a slow simmer. Always have. Always will. So I got my fill of compliments and fled the quick fix site. I want long-lasting love that happens naturally. Meetme cannot satisfy that.

[lonelyolivia]

5/9/16

           I’ve decided to start writing again. I would use pen and paper, but school has essentially ruined me. I used to keep a diary when I was in my early teens and when I started liking Matthew in high school, but I haven’t really been consistent since I became friends with Miranda in 2011. Never before had I had another person that I could tell literally anything, so I was emotionally satisfied by talking to her and didn’t need to write out my feelings.

           So why start again now? Why indeed…I don’t actually know. There isn’t a new guy no matter how much I wish there was. Perhaps I just need a place to vent. Miranda and i are still friends and I do still tell her everything mostly, but I feel like I’m becoming a scratched record of negative emotions. She doesn’t need me pouring all of my negativity into her. I usually end up doing it anyway, but maybe writing will change that. Maybe I can get my insecurities, my loneliness, and my depression under wraps enough to help people I care about be happy. Apparently, I can’t be happy so I might as way help the others.

           Only I don’t know if that is even within my abilities. Thus far I have yet to be sufficient for anyone so I don’t really know who I’m kidding expecting to help my friends.  Friday night, as I lay in the dark listening to the incoherent babble of Shawn and Miranda across the room, my insecurities decided to rear their ugly heads. “Oh, she’ll stay awake and talk to Shawn, but she falls asleep when I try to talk to her at night….maybe I just don’t have anything interesting to say…Shawn’s really interesting…I’d choose her over me any day…I guess it’s not fair of me to be upset about a choice I would make any day...why am I even here…I don’t contribute anything to our little group…I’m just a body…a no-body…ha ha puns…seriously though…Shawn’s the funny one, Bekah is the one with the best gossip, and Miranda is the glue that keeps us all together….I am nothing…I’m funny, but not as funny as Shawn…I never have anything interesting to say…and I would probably float away without Miranda…I have nothing to bring to the table…I’m just sitting at the table until they decide to move…”

           My insecurities drowned me until it became to much to handle without something. So I turned to my drug of choice, music. Slowly, I slipped down the bed I was sharing with Bekah and began to rummage around my duffle bag. Drawing out my ipod, I began to retreat to my former position near the AC unit.

           “Hey, do you want to go to Lafayette tomorrow?” I hear from the dark.

           No, I think. No, I want to stay here and wallow in self-pity. Or alternatively, I want to stay here and eat Jack’s pizza, watch scary movies, go play mini golf, paint, and do the fun things I thought we would do. But I know that’s not what they want to hear. I know that no matter what I say, we’re going. So I say I don’t care because it’s the only compromise I can think of in the midst of my turmoil.

[lonelyolivia]

I was the one you always dreamed of, You were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it's nothing to me? Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer

[lonelyolivia]

All we have is right now, Go hard or go home

All We Have - MGK

Memory Attachment: Aaron lived and breathed MGK. And that’s how we all wanted to live. In the moment. It was now or never. We were learning. We were dying. We wanted to feel everything and nothing on our way into the dark. 

[lonelyolivia]

Baby, baby, baby oooh Like baby, baby, baby nooo Like baby, baby, baby oooh I thought you'd always be mine (mine)

Baby ~ Justin Bieber

Memory attachment: Helium. How many balloons did we buy that summer? A huff. Our best Bieber impression. Rolls of laughter. Anything to hit those high notes.

[lonelyolivia]

I know the sun must set to rise

Paradise ~ Coldplay

Memory attachment: We were all struggling. I couldn’t get them. She couldn’t keep them. And he...He was just looking for an escape. Our unit of misery toasted to Paradise in her backyard under the stars until our cheeks flushed and we laughed pathetically at what we’d become.