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Here it goes, I knew it’d be here soon. Because depression made her appearance, it only made sense that you would show your face. Telling me he’ll leave now, you’re not enough now, that he can’t handle this now. Sure you warned him, you warned them all and they all changed their mind. It’s fine to say you’ll stick with it and be there until the storm actually arrives. When you expected a little rain her tornado touched the ground, and you were logical and did the one thing that made sense. You ran. Maybe you thought she’d run too. She never runs though. This is a filthy little lie you like to tell me, Doubt. And I’m sure you think you’ll win this time. You are wrong this time. With as much as I will fight everything, I will fight you twice as hard because you will not take him away from me. I love him, and he loves me, and maybe he’s expecting just a little bit of rain, but he’s faced his fair share of storms. He isn’t afraid. He is built to withstand. And with God by his side he has the strength of an entire army. And I know he’ll withstand it. You can try to trick me all you want. Feeding me lies and deceit as if I don’t know the truth. Sure they’ve all left before. But the one thing you can’t convince me is that he’ll leave too.

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Crash

I can feel myself descending into the sweet madness of my depression. Sadness is growing heavy for no reason, as life right now is only mildly stressful. I feel like the more I say my borderline seems to get better, the more it surfaces, laughing in my face, telling me I only wish it’d ever be gone. So I started this study that helps you define who you really are, to find it, to know it, to be it, and find joy in it. And the more I progress in this book the more lost I feel. I turned my head and she was there, her long dark hair and form fitting dark dress. 

“You never knew who you were, and sometimes I think you’ll never know.”

“As long as it’s not you.”

But it is. She has my face. She is my thoughts. So how on earth could I think I could separate myself from my own darkness? Life is grand, it really is. The more I think my BPD is going away the more it tries to surface. And I want to say I’m better. And then the sweet sound of depression rolls in like thunder in the clouds. God this can’t be happening again. Tell her I’m happy now and she’s got no room in my life. That should work right?

Scoff, if only.

So I lie in the grass, my eyes on the sky. There it goes, the grey clouds. Maybe if I close my eyes my brain will remember I’m happy. I can try that. But will that take the feeling off my face of the subtle droplets? I told you not to come back. I am better now.

It’s like the more I say my BPD is going away, the more it feels the need to prove me wrong. It’s not so much that I need it gone for I’ve accepted those ugly bitter parts of me. I’ve accepted that sometimes the grey goes away. I know that sometimes I will look in the mirror and not recognize my reflection. Why else would I take scissors to my hair when It’d been so long since I’ve done that myself? Why else would I take tweezers to my face and masks and start working out again? Why else is it that when I look in the mirror I would change everything? Oh, because I don’t know that girl standing there.  That means one thing and one thing only.

It’s raining again, and I’ve decided to face this storm. I will not run away as I have so many times. I’ll fight this battle. It’s raining again and I can hear the screaming buried in my chest begging to come out. My eyes they burn but I will not cry. Is it because crying is weakness? I thought we’d gotten past that. I suppose not.  You don’t have to fight alone and you know this. But ti’s raining again and I refuse to let anyone else be consumed with the sweet sadness that calls my name. If I go in I promise it’s not to settle in there. I’m going in to fight. I’m going to reclaim myself.

But God how can I ignore that it’s raining again?

[lookforme-here-blog]

I had a nightmare

One of those really bad ones that I briefly ever talk about, I hardly ever mention, in hopes they won’t happen. Maybe if they don’t happen in my mind they won’t happen in life, at least not around you.

I have these nightmares where part of my brain is awake enough to hear my cry and feel my kicking, but not awake enough to stop it. I have these nightmares where most of my brain is asleep. It’s almost always the same. Sometimes it’s pitch black and I’m only aware of little things. Like anxiety building. Sometimes I can see what’s going on, like a real dream, like a movie of what is happening.

What is happening?

My demons are playing with my mental state. Sometimes my demons and negative thoughts manifest as large black wolves, looking at me with hungry eyes and snarling at me like I’m their next meal. Sometimes I can’t see what’s going on but I can feel the presence. Often times I hear my self say Run as I scream it in my dream. I always run. And they always chase me.

When the kicking and screaming begins, it means they have knocked me down or caught up to me and they are beginning to tear my flesh apart. And as if this isn’t enough I can usually hear the taunting of all my greatest fears and anxieties echoing off the emptiness of my mind. I always panic. Sometimes when I am sleeping alone, I cannot wake myself up. I have to will them away with my already fragile mind. This usually happens when I’m vulnerable, so fighting them is often too hard.

So I was actually grateful that you were there to wake me. My mind wasn’t awake enough to know you were in the room until you shook me awake. And I don’t think I woke up instantly. I just know that you were there and you held me. I know that it must have been worse than I could tell by your panic. But you held me in your arm until my breathing became steady and my grip around you was loose. And you reminded me that you weren’t going anywhere.

The wolves are still there. They have been there for weeks. I know they are planning their next attack. I know it��s not over. But I also know that you are there

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To think there was a time I was going to pass you up

Because of the pain of my past

Is an insane thought

Because now I cannot imagine my life without you

And I know I will never have to

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I was anxious

It happens all the time. It’s one of those things wrong with me. I did not want to face him. For I was anxious. Add alcohol to the mix too, God I’m a nightmare. I knew you would see it and I thought I would then change your mind about me. I was anxious. I tried not looking you in the eyes. I was anxious. The walls began closing in and I couldn’t seem to breathe. I was anxious. And he was there.

He asked me if I wanted to eliminate states, as that was a thing I told him helps my anxiety I said yes. And so the game began. I felt my breathing evening out as you listened to my every answer. Every explanation. I felt my heart begin to pace itself instead of trying to break out of my chest. 

I had been drinking, too much. I was anxious that you would then judge me. For my actions were about to get worse. I asked if you would judge how easily I can force myself to throw up. I knew you would see that this is a normal thing for me and wondered if you knew it’s not always when I’ve been drinking. I was anxious. I held onto the little bit of sobriety I had and apologized over and over. I knew what you could see in me, my pitiful shape on the floor clinging to the seat of the toilet wishing I could disappear. We’d been together only a couple of weeks then.I warned you this day would come but I had hoped it’d be further in the future. But it was here and I was anxious. 

And you said “If you think that this will make me love you less you are wrong. This, if anything, only makes me love you more for now I see all the parts of you. The parts that you may not like, I love. I am here for you.” And then you held me in your arms and I closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was safe. It was then I knew that you mean what you say when you tell me that you love me. 

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Be with someone who says you’re amazing so often that you believe it

Some one who looks at you like it’s the first time he’s seeing you every time, in awe

Some one who kisses you like it’s the first time every time, and loses their breath

Be with someone who is not afraid to say how they feel

No matter how soon or sudden or intense their feelings

Be with someone who cannot hold in their love any longer

Because they finally found what they were looking for

And you are who they have been looking for

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*TW* Miscarriage

I think it’s possible to tear yourself apart

I think it’s possible to break you own heart

For when I tell my story I begin to cry

And it’s not like they can blame me for why

But suddenly I realize

I’ve come a long way from where I began

I have a story not many understand

To tell it to you would break your heart

To show you my scars would tear you apart

I’ve learned to shine light in the darkest of places

I’ve learned to identify the saddest of faces

I know I can’t save you as I couldn’t save me

But maybe I could just help you see

I think it’s possible to break your own heart

I think it’s possible to be the one who tears you apart

I think it is possible to reprogram your brain

I think it’s possible to forget you’re in pain

There’s one thing that still gets me it’s the deepest of cuts

It was the perfect story with the strongest of buts

It was the purest of joy anyone can know

Followed by the deepest of pains that you have to let go

It’s something I have to face everyday

Because there was an angel who went away

I think it’s possible to break your own heart

Because sometimes remembering will tear you apart

So here is my story, I know that I’ll cry

Because there was a day that I almost died

I remember the way he said I couldn’t find a heart beat

And I looked at him and began to weep

It may not be bad but prepare for the worst

There’s nothing you did wrong, since this was your first

I remember the day those two lines appeared

I was seeing something that I thought I feared

I remember the day I was happy to stay

Because I knew that I would have a baby one day

They like to repeat how you did nothing wrong

And like to make sure that you’re staying strong

Somehow I managed to keep my head high

Though internally I felt like I was going to die

I managed to stay strong most of the time

As my body fell apart I thought it will be alright

The pain is excruciating, in my body and my heart

And to remember that weakness tears me apart

They ask why sometimes I get really sad

When it seems as though my life isn’t bad

They like to blame the boy who broke my heart

Not really knowing there is a greater part

For an angel looks down and they say that I’m theirs

She cries because she loves me, she cries because she cares

That is my mom, she is strong and she is brave

And I know that I will get to meet her one day

I look to the sky and think of your wings

The baby I lost, the joy that it brings

Though I cannot hold you I know you are there

So I didn’t give up for that wouldn’t be fair

I’ve learned to shine light in the darkest of places

I’ve learned to identify the saddest of faces

We face war when we wake up every day

But we can win and we can stay

I think It’s possible to reprogram your brain

And forget just today that you feel all this pain

Maybe I’ll cry every blue moon

But I’ve learned not to stay in the sadness cocoon

For darkness likes to turn out our lights

And we have to get up and prepare for that fight

Things can soon change and you can let happiness in

And still want to cry every now and then

My story is sad, but continues to move on

A story of survival and the will of the strong

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I told myself I would not get to this point again

Of falling for a boy who could break my heart

I told myself when I met you that I would not rush to this point again

So that It was not a race to when you could break my heart

I promised I would wait longer this time

To say that I love you

Because I always say it first

I always say it soon

And it’s never the same when it’s said back

People have been infatuated with me

But I think you are the first one

To fall in love with me

As fast as I have fallen in love with you

And though I said I would not be here again

I’ve never found a place that has felt more like home

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I have been called many things

But as you held me in your arms

My small body wrapped around you

You smiled and told me

I am perfect

And instantly I told you I am not

But my heart fluttered 

Because to you, I am worth something 

You saw more than a pretty face

You saw someone worth holding onto for more than one night

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Could You Be

Could you be the new “Him” in my posts?

Could you be the one who tries to love me?

Could you succeed?

Could you be the person I’ve been looking for?

Could you be the one who dries my tears and makes me forget all the others?

Could it be possible to have missed you all these years and have needed you the whole time?

Could you be the person who makes me forget that I miss the other “Hims”?

Could you be an illusion?

Could you be a terrible trick?

Could you be the trap?

Could you be a manic episode?

Could you be the one that should have been on the pedestal?

Could you be the moment I’ve been waiting for?

Could you be my new bpd paranoia?

Could you be just a dream?

Could you be the one to remind me other people can break me too?

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Some of the most damaging things he said to me

These weer all part of his break up text. This is what destroyed me. If he had left in a normal manner, maybe I’d have been okay. But he said these things to me. I didn’t even make it half way through his text because it hurt so bad

Being with you is depressing 

You bring everyone around you down

You weren’t made to be this unhappy

I thought when you said you were crazy it was cute  (Literally the worst response to crazy people ever and we are all tired of hearing how sexy or cute you think crazy is)

There is nothing wrong with you

You create all these problems in your head

I don’t even know how many people you’ve convinced that you are crazy 

I wanted to leave a long time ago but I was scared you were going to hurt yourself

I knew this distance was going to be too much for you

You don’t even have a reason to be sad

I always think it’s sweet when you send those long messages saying how happy you are with me, but I always know there will be one shortly after telling me everything that is wrong. 

If you are going to break up with someone with a mental illness don’t say any of these things unless you are okay with destroying someone. NONE of them. Just fucking accept responsibility. Or just say you can’t. And DEFINITELY don’t tell them all of these things. Because they just may never recover. 

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I tried really hard to be positive today.

It was actually a good day

Until I got home, where I am alone, and no one can see me

That episode was pretty intense. Why am I like this?

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He told me there was nothing wrong with me

I told him I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

He said I’m not crazy

So I settled for emotional

He said I had no reason to be depressed

And I said that doesn’t change the fact that I am

He ignored everything and decided being with me made him depressed

And that wasn’t supposed to hurt I guess

But it fucking did

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I miss you so much

But I know you don’t miss me

And that kills me

Does this ever end

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I’ve literally come back to tumblr for an escape. I am lonelier than I’ve ever been in my life. I find no one around me attractive. I had become an alcoholic and now am forcing myself to stay out of the bar. I was drinking my paychecks away and was coming up short on my bills. My cutting wasn’t so bad. My suicidal tendencies are still pretty intense. My mood swings are everywhere. My borderline is doing something weird lately. I miss my ex more than anything in the world. If he were to walk up to my door I’d probably collapse. I apparently don’t know how to ship his stuff out, but also I kept drinking away the money to ship his stuff out. I’m constantly obsessed with him. But everyone interested in me is like 10+ years older than me. And are the kind of people who want something super long term. I am literally just looking for someone to help me forget those gorgeous eyes. I have been dreaming of him again lately. That had stopped. I want so desperately to be over him. I don’t talk to my friends about him anymore because I know they’re tired of hearing about it. This was all I had left. And I’ll cut this off too. I’m embarrassed that I’m not over him yet. He’s the first person to break up with me in 10+ years. I don't know how to handle it. I’m devastated. I’m alone. And I’m scared. I need to go back to therapy asap except I drank my insurance money away and am no longer covered. What have I done? 

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I could have made you happy, or at least proud. I would have given you children. I miss you. I still love you. I always will. I’m pathetic that way

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In my absence

As if anyone cares or has noticed.

I fell in love with a boy. God was he my world. He made me happier than ever before. And my borderline put him up on that pedestal.  He could do no wrong. He was an angel. He was perfect. He was what I wanted from life. He was mine.

In my absence

I found out I was pregnant. I was going to be a mom, he was to be a dad. We were going to have our own special family. It was perfect. We were happy. Words could not explain the joy of this change. This good change.

In my absence

I lost that baby. Our world was set on fire and our joy crumbled. I got really sick. My body didn’t handle it well. I didn’t pass the baby naturally. They had to surgically remove it. I wasn’t that far along, only about 10 weeks. There was debris left behind and my system got infected. God I can’t describe the physical pain I went through. But somehow I was a warrior and I fought through it. 

But there was a critical problem. He wasn’t there for me. I was in and out of the hospital with my sister. He never checked on me. He just went to sleep after work or smoked his weed. I felt like I had done something wrong. Like losing the baby was somehow my fault. And I tried my best to fix our relationship and the joy that was taken from us.

In my absence

I found out I have four fibroid’s. They are too small to remove, but they had grown during my pregnancy. I also hadn’t taken all the care in the world because no one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. Until now.

In my absence

He moved away. I knew he would he was a contractor. I was prepared. It was good. WE were in love and could conquer anything the world could throw at us. I found my soul mate. I was so happy. 

And then

He left. No looking back. No real explanation. He just... gave up. No real warning until I started asking if we were ok. Because he stopped saying I love you first. I got nervous and so did I. I got scared. I knew something was wrong. I’m crazy but dammit I KNOW when something is wrong. SO OF COURSE I asked if we were okay.

And so he said good bye.

In my absence, if anyone even noticed or cared, I died. And I’m still trying to exist.