lottiepoursherheartout - Tumblr blog

[lottiepoursherheartout]

sometimes i place my worth too heavily on other people and how they feel about me. what does it matter if someone else doesn’t find me interesting or funny or desirable? don’t i? don’t i know my own depths and just how mesmerizing they are? don’t i know myself well enough to know i’m worth knowing? i may have a boring job and a boring life and little to look forward to but i have myself. i have the things i like. i like to be alone and i know that so why don’t i determine who i am on myself alone? why do i care so much that i spend so much time by myself? don’t i enjoy watching reality tv and getting drunk and dancing in my kitchen and finding new music and being irrevocably myself? why isn’t that enough? i’m lucky to know me and that should be everything.

u ever think about how life is so big and so full and we consume so much and yet somehow nothing at all. i am everything the world is made of and that makes me nothing. everything that makes me me is so interesting separately and so mundane in me. i am everyone i’ve ever interacted with and yet i still feel like no one would want to interact with me. i’m not interesting and i’m not unique and i’m not desirable and i’m not worth knowing. i’m not funny and i’m not easy to talk to and im not good with people. i am all the world has made me and because of that i will forever be as dysfunctional as this world.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

u ever think about how life is so big and so full and we consume so much and yet somehow nothing at all. i am everything the world is made of and that makes me nothing. everything that makes me me is so interesting separately and so mundane in me. i am everyone i’ve ever interacted with and yet i still feel like no one would want to interact with me. i’m not interesting and i’m not unique and i’m not desirable and i’m not worth knowing. i’m not funny and i’m not easy to talk to and im not good with people. i am all the world has made me and because of that i will forever be as dysfunctional as this world.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

sleepless nights in a caravan

that rolls to stops and struggles to land

in this freedom it reeks of our time

spent in break rooms, the great divide

tell me will u take this drive

to a faraway mountainside

the stream will break around

our ankles drenched without a sound

moments pass, our fingers graze

eat this dirt and watch me fade

gnaw on roots, match my speed

run from me or meet my sheath

forget the quiet morning rides, my mind

breaks at ur touch, at your look, at your blush

but will it ever be enough

to swallow u whole, to feast on your soul

will this blood flow from your viens

touch my skin but never rain

on my hands i’ll wash it clean

no need to come my ride has seen

what once was two

a long lost dream

pump the breaks and hold the clutch

i know i always ask too much

[lottiepoursherheartout]

conversation and petty banter

shoulder touches and quiet manners

meet me in my dreams

hold me at the seams

don’t look

i know it’s bad

i never meant to make u cry

u never really ever pried

i never meant for u to witness

my broken arms reach for u mistress

i know i’m masochistic

so leave me to it

let me unravel and break and shine

u say u were never really mine

my jagged edges burn bright

shield ur eyes in the night

i know it’s bad

but please don’t leave

hold me while i shout and scream

agony and a washed up stream

dried and desiccated

proud and emaciated

i must look different now

i know this isn’t why u came

u came for smiles not for rain

i knew i’d only bring you pain

tear from me love

hide like a morning dove

i know it’s best for all of us

but please until u leave

hold my hand and stroke my palm

tell me you’ll remain calm

as i burn the house around you

don’t let yourself burn too

[lottiepoursherheartout]

one thing i like about myself is i know how to hurt. and i know how to heal. with time i know itll get better but i’m not afraid to feel things when it’s not. some days i can’t remember your voice and others grief grapples onto the back of my heart like a fish hook, pulling me back towards u. drowning me in oxygen. i know if i gave myself a chance i could make it to newer, deeper waters. but until i feel i can stop chasing the bait, i’ll sit near ur shores and make home in this hurt. the time will pass anyways, might as well be comfortable.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

windy as those waters come

she floated down with the morning sun

bent low with the current she crept

silently stalking, almost predacious, she went

that girl made no noise but a hum

she whispered deliciously for the devil to run

for he followed her sweet smell of sin

waiting for a moment to pounce and pin

she knew her time was cutting close

as nothing could stop the holy ghost

she knew not to mistake his plan

for the devil and god bore the same hands

those that punch and miam and kill

will trap her throat until she’s still

and the hunt will be over for the girl from the river

for her waters run rich but the devil runs quicker

[lottiepoursherheartout]

i can’t write or read anything anymore

[lottiepoursherheartout]

every once in a while, when i look at my eighteen-year-old body in the mirror, a little girl waves back at me. and i’ll look around my room, in the home i didn’t grow up in but never had trouble calling a home, and everything is the same but nothing feels familiar. sometimes, when i’m cooking myself breakfast with my lover, or going grocery shopping, or making the car payment my parents used to cover, it really gets to my heart. sometimes, when everything becomes mundane and my dad forgets to call me again, i remember that i no longer have a bedroom at his home, and i’ll stay in the guest room every night i visit. sometimes the nostalgia is too much and the memories are layered on too thick and i just can’t imagine being sixteen again. something that used to be so familiar will forever be foreign to me now. i can’t imagine being a kid, just like i can’t believe that i’ll never be that young again, that i’ll ever be older than i am right now. that youth is so fleeting and it took me getting old to realize that. sometimes i just need a moment to collect myself, to remind myself that the world only turns forward.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

i feel like i’m having writers block but it’s more like everythings block. i can’t read anymore. i haven’t been able to in years. i can’t sit still for longer than a hundred pages and i can’t digest a plot in anything less than that. i can’t paint a good picture. or draw anything pretty. i can’t make music nearly as well as i can appreciate it and everyone’s already tired of my analyses. i can’t even sit in silence comfortably. everything makes my skin crawl and i don’t know how to scratch an itch that isn’t there.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

i wish i could ask for my love back. i wish they would come up to me, ask me to outstretch my palms, and place it gently in my hands. i wish they’d thank me for letting them borrow such a dear piece of my heart, they’d ask if this piece will make it whole again. i wouldn’t say thank u or be forgiving of their thievery, i’d turn it over in my hands. look at my love from every angle. look at all the missing pieces they’d said they were giving back. i wish i could ask for it back but i don’t think it exists anymore. i wish i could use this misplaced love on something more worthy but the more i reach for it the further from my memory it fades. i wish i could ask for my love back but i know they wouldn’t have it. it was something they never wanted to keep and something i never even owned and something that will never be seen again.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

how do you be happy

[lottiepoursherheartout]

i don’t want to be sick. i’m not sick. every time my food comes back up it’s invited. my portions are cut smaller and so is my waist. that doesn’t make me sick. it makes me normal. it makes me enviable. how can one be sick from an illness suffered by all of humanity? isn’t that just coincidence? customary? how can one not wish to be sick in a world that is sick? in a world that’s biggest desire is to starve to death and biggest fear is to die? in a world where begging is considered expected and my knees are permanently bleeding? where god hears more prayers of greed than those of compassion? we’re all sick, our hearts shrivelled from starvation and our bones brittle from dessiccation. our minds thirst for more hunger and crave everything that destroys us. being sick isn’t desirable it’s habitual. we survive by starvation and thrive by famine.

l.h.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

no God could ever stop me finding her. she asks me to run and i flea. she asks me to give myself up and i’m gone. every word that parts my lips is in prayer to her. and every act is with the intention of returning to her side. not even 6 feet of frozen earth could discourage me. i know her love will fuel a flame so desperate, so inhuman, that the devil himself couldn’t keep me in hell as long as she wasn’t there. her love resurrects me. her love could drag me to hell. her love could be confused with that of the Gods. her love fills my lungs and courses through my veins. her love holds my throat and i smile. nothing could kill me and yet keep me alive like her.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

he said it’s all in ur head and i said so is everything but he didnt get it i thought he was a man but he was just a paper bag HUNGER HURTS BUT I WANT IT SO BAD OH IT KILLS BECAUSE I KNOW IM A MESS HE DONT WANNA CLEAN UP I GOT TO FOLD BECAUSE THESE HANDS ARE JUST TOO SHAKEY TO HOLD OH HUNGERHURTSBUTSTARVINGWORKS

[lottiepoursherheartout]

if future endeavours are few

if i never experience anything new

and my dreams i never pursue

as long as i come home to you

my heart will always be true

your enemies i overthrew

oceans i crossed for you

through every galaxy i flew

something we always knew

is that id be brought back to you

along with the scent of the morning dew

nothing brings me such bliss as you

this heaven you’ve brought me to

could never make my love untrue

for there’s nothing i dream of more than you

l.h.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

I’ll never understand a love more than those enteral embraces orchestrated by Vesuvius. 

l.h.

[lottiepoursherheartout]

i love this world the way our God does. in a way that’d be cruel if analyzed. my love reminds me of every natural disaster sent from above. i love mankind the way God loved the animals that were left before he sent the flood. i love in a way that puts Vesuvius shame. and i’d still love even as i was joined in those eternal embraces or drowned by Gods affection. i’d still love when i’m resurrected. love is all i’ll ever know.