lovingsaladballoon

[lovingsaladballoon]

Nineteen

Nineteen children dead

Uvalde, Texas

I am screaming, my lungs won’t stop

It’s the saddest place on Earth

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Nineteen lives violently stolen

At school, the horror

We are failing our children in an unimaginable way

The despair is unspeakable

Nineteen little girls’ and boys’ lives have been ended

Their final moments full of terror

We know why this keeps happening

We cannot bear it anymore

[lovingsaladballoon]

OLD UKRAINIAN MAN

I care

That your precious life was selfishly and foolishly stolen from you

When Russian soldiers shot you

In the back

I care

That you left this world tragically in an incomprehensibly unjust war

When Russian soldiers shot you

In the back

I care

That your family and others loved you, so much

When Russian soldiers shot you

In the back

I care

That your death demonstrates the catastrophe of humanity

When Russian soldiers shot you

In the back

I care

That you were killed by cowardly men, each deluded by power and greed

When Russian soldiers shot you

In the back

I care

About you, even though I did not know you

[lovingsaladballoon]

My Tragedy

I am not my tragedy, my trauma

I am here because of it

I owe my life to it

But it is not all of me

The shame and shock belongs to you, only

It does not exist in me, or elsewhere

I accept the trauma as it is, and will forever be

Because it is a part of me

You do not know tragedy, or trauma, yet

But in time you will

When your tragedy, your trauma, bears upon you

I will not be moved

[lovingsaladballoon]

Cancer is a Heavy Word

Cancer is a heavy word

No matter what form it takes

Too heavy for one person to hold

It makes my body feel heavy

It is a tonne of bricks sitting on my chest

It feels immovable and unchangable

It makes my thoughts heavy

It anchors them to my mind and body

I cannot hold the line alone

Give me love and healing

To ease the weight of cancer

I will have the strength to hold it

[lovingsaladballoon]

STRANGER

Father, the stranger in my house

Was you

I didn’t know your interests

Or your inner circle

Or your hopes and dreams

These are the things a little girl should know

About her father

I didn’t know where you went at night

Or if you loved my mother

Or who, if anyone, you loved

These are the things a little girl should know

About her father

I didn’t know if you were happy

Or sad, depressed and full of regrets

Or something in between

These are the things a little girl should know

About her father

I didn’t know what demons haunted you

Or if it was my fault

Or if I should help, somehow

These are the things a little girl should know

About her father

I didn’t know if you knew me

Or if you cared about my interests

Or my plans for the future

These are the things a little girl should know

About her father

I didn’t know if you loved me

Or if you were ashamed

Or merely distracted by other things

These are the things a little girl should know

About her father

Father, now that you and I are older

I know the answers to all of these things

You are no longer a stranger

[lovingsaladballoon]

SILENCE

There is the silence after a death

It’s sodden, heavy and unbearably cold

Much like the fur of a rain-soaked dog

There is the silence after a beautiful song

It’s light, fluffy and floating away

Much like a cumulus cloud high in the sky

There is the silence after a long goodbye

It’s still, warm and will probably linger

Much like sweet and sour sauce in an order of take-away

There is the silence after proclaiming one’s love

It’s loud, bustling and inwardly hot

Much like factory men working their shift all day

There is the silence after a lover’s fight

It’s sticky, thick and impossible to escape

Much like an anaconda snake ready to strike

There are many kinds of silence

Too many to describe in this poem

Much like the flora and fauna found in the ocean

[lovingsaladballoon]

THE CUL-DE-SAC

The childhood I recall is mysterious and dim

But I vividly remember a play-ground of sorts

The kind full of spirit and dance and parade

Though every inch after inch; it was all empty space

We were siblings of four; a range of six years

We lived in an unheard of small town; in a one-story house

That was found at the end of a flattened concrete-temple

And we worshiped that pavement like stewards of nature

We found freedom year-round on the sacred cement

In summer, it was hopscotch, street-hockey or tag

In winter, the snow plow; a huge mountain it made

And we protected our snow castle day after day

The neighbourhood kids would trickle in from the streets

Can we join, they would say, the street lights are still bright

Come over, we would say, let’s play for a while

We were the guardians of the paved semi-circle

The divine cul-de-sac, we showed such devotion and love

But it was taken from us when we moved away

I pray the new keepers can sense we were there

And they dance with the ghosts of our youth and charade

[lovingsaladballoon]

Snotty-Nosed Bitch

I used to be friends with a snotty-nosed bitch

She had perfect hair, two dogs, and even a house

She had many fine clothes that I could not acquire

Turns out this girl was a phenomenal witch

She did not love me, and not others, but only herself

And cared only of capturing her made-of-dreams sire

She married a man which cemented the ditch

I was shook by the pain from the sudden stab to my heart

To be cut-off so cold; no good soul will admire

When she crosses my mind, I still feel a twitch

She has two babies now, and a much grander house

One day I tepidly thought; should I inquire

What is life like for the snotty-nosed bitch

I suppose she is happy, with her dreams coming true

But I secretly hope they burn to dust in a fire

[lovingsaladballoon]

NIGHT

What would I have

If night came upon me

Relief of constant daily burdens

The toil of life; of societal struggle

Untangling of a thousand threads of worry

The big and the small; none of any importance

Loss of hope for my own future

The stifling of dreams; no more today’s and tomorrow’s

Absence of time spent with my loves

The smiles on your faces; the forcefulness of deep laughter

Freedom from my mind-dwelling demons

Their form; it does not matter

Would it be better or worse

If night came upon me

[lovingsaladballoon]

O’ MAMA

When I was a new-born

I had the warmth and safety of your bosom

You gave me fulsome comfort and protection

When I was young

I saw the strain of your offspring in your temper

You pushed us aside for snippets of quiet

When I was adolescent

I witnessed the strength of your character when your husband betrayed you

You were gone for a while in grief and denial

When I was grown

I felt your mothering nature at the hearth of your heart

You showed me your presence and dutiful compassion

When I was sick

I observed the lines in your skin and eyes grow increasingly deeper

You worried alone and in palpable silence

[lovingsaladballoon]

HOSPITAL ROOM

I am lying in a hospital bed

My feet pressed flat against the plastic foot-board

I am staring at the beige-pink walls of the room

My legs barely covered by a scratchy-thin blanket

I am feeling the air from the fan on my face

My back and neck propped up by four scrub-blue pillows

I am hearing sounds from behind the window with the pulled-down shade

My body spread out on the wet-proof foam mattress

I am resisting my reality as a prisoner of this room

My mind is transported to a far-away place

[lovingsaladballoon]

(UN)CERTAIN

When all is uncertain

We can rejoice in the unknowable

In endless potential

And outcomes aplenty

We only have this moment

Life is always uncertain

We can embrace the unknown

We can hope

Its better than fate

We only have this moment

Worship the uncertain

And curate our freedom of not knowing

We can live for today

With inherent curiosity

We only have this moment

[lovingsaladballoon]

I AM SURE

1. No one is getting out alive.

2. I have the freedom to disagree.

3. My thoughts are my choice.

4. My reactions to external events are my choice.

5. Everything I perceive is filtered through my own mind and that will naturally differ from what others perceive.

6. I have to accept everything wholeheartedly to find inner peace.

7. Nothing is permanent (this too shall pass).

8. The future does not exist.

9. There is no grand moment in life.

10. I cannot change people. Real change happens one by one; each person doing what they can; seeing where they can stand to improve; as opposed to pointing their fingers at the injustices they see in others.

11. Wisdom is knowing that you do not and never will really know anything.

12. No one is coming to save you. No one can and no one will. You must save yourself.

13. It is okay if/that my speech offends others.

[lovingsaladballoon]

TO MY DONOR

I have a chance

Because of your gift

I don’t even know you

Yet you saved me

I have a life

Because yours is over

I promise to cherish it

You will live on with me

I have a future

Because you do not

I will always know

Your ultimate sacrifice

[lovingsaladballoon]

HEROIN GIRL

Oh, Heroin Girl

Where are you from

Did your mother hold your hand

Did you frolic in the grass and trees

Cartwheels and chasing dreams

No, Heroin Girl

Where are you going

Did your mother say goodbye

Did you choose a wretched path

Dark alleys and suffering fiends

Please, Heroin Girl

Why do you take so much

Did your mother let you down

Did you find some peace of mind

Needles and terrifying highs

Yes, Heroin Girl

You are going to die

Did your mother intervene

Did you think you would be saved

Pills and haunting deeds

Bye, Heroin Girl

Were you all alone

Did your mother grieve

Did you welcome your last breath

Graves and falling tears

[lovingsaladballoon]

LIFE GIVER

When you are part of me

Will I think of you

When you give me life

Will I know you

When you give me breath

Will I feel you

When you are missed

Will I be with you

[lovingsaladballoon]

NARCISSIST

You are blind

Not by your eyes

You cannot see

Reality

You are alone

Not by yourself

You exist outside of

Humanity

You are mistaken

Not by others

You are consumed by your

Grandiosity