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jess does: to all the boys i've loved before

i. i knew i wasn't okay with it, and yet i let you both get in the car anyways. 2 weeks we'd been broken up and you had the gall to ask me to drop you and your new gf off at her house. was that the beginning of allowing myself to be treated like a doormat? was that the beginning of a thousand yes' that should have been no's? was that when i decided i didn't need boundaries and didn't deserve to protect my own heart? "i was just trying to be nice" i said "i don't hate him, we're still friends" i said but i cried for three hours when i got home and resented you from then on .

ii. i wasn't looking for you. you were a surprise. a breath of fresh air. a dive into a cool pool on a hot day. you were like getting high and forgetting all the anxieties and pressures and feeling lighter and happier and *wanted* for the first time ever. i wish i would have known it was all a lie. if you'd just been up front in the beginning maybe i could have prepared myself. wouldn't have given you every piece of me to leave your fingerprints on and then discard when you found something better. it's been nearly 14 years since we first met, 11 since the last time we were together in any capacity, and sometime i still cry over you, and us, and all those sweet as honey laced with poison words you weaved into dreams of a life, a future together, a family, a home...and he looks so much like you, it's like a stab in the heart every moment of every day.

iii. im not ready. i will never be ready to dissect this one.

iv. where did you come from? in a matter of days you managed to dismantle every single defense mechanism, and tear down every wall i ever built around myself. 14 years of numbing myself, of denying myself feelings, or happiness or the chance at something *real*. you came in and leveled the playing field. you see me, right down to the ugliness, to the prickly parts of me, the sharp edges that cut everyone else to ribbons, you navigate them so carefully and, handle me with the gentlest touch. everything is in the light, and i don't know how to accept this love because all i've ever been given was lies, and betrayals, and miscommunication, and gaslighting, and manipulation. the light is too bright when you're coming out of the darkness. you're blinding, and i'm panicking, desperately grasping for *anything* to make an excuse why this can't possibly be the real thing, why you can't possibly truly want me. when all you've known is abuse and neglect, anything less feels like an attack and every kind word and truth is tainted with suspicion. i'm sorry for the way that i am. im sorry for the layers of thorns that wrapped themselves so tightly around my heart that as you slowly peel them away, we're both pricked and bleeding in the aftermath. i'm sorry that every conversation and text is forever filtered through the lense of my past, and that it makes me insane and difficult, and needy, and dramatic. im sorry that sometimes i go quiet and cold, and that my head just spirals with a million what if's, and that i need constant reassurance that this is real, and true, and that it means the same to you as it does to me. please dont grow tired of me. i'm not ready to let go.

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@grishatober​ 2020 DAY 01: tgt characters

Nikolai x Zoya fluff and fun ❤

.

“Zoya!” She rarely heard him sounding so desperate, and Zoya took off down the corridor of the palace towards Nikolai’s bedroom. “Zoya!” he shouted again. “Come quick!”

When she came racing into the room, he was standing on his bed, eyes wild, searching the floor.

“What is it?” she asked, panting and fighting panic.

“It’s under the bed!”

Zoya rolled her eyes, then dropped to her knees at the foot of the bed. There was nothing under the bed at all. She huffed, then straightened, putting her hands on her hips and giving him a dirty look. “There’s nothing,” she said coolly.

Nikolai, too, dropped to his knees, crawling to the edge of the bed. “There’s a spider,” he said. “It was huge! Nearly as big as me!”

Though Zoya sneered, she asked just the same, “Was it wearing a suit?”

“I only saw it for a minute,” Nikolai said. Slowly, cautiously, he bent over the edge of the bed, his golden curls nearly touching the floor as he turned himself upside-down. “It may well have been wearing one.”

Beside him, Zoya bent, too.

The beast soon appeared: It was a daddy long legs, no bigger than a coin.

Reaching out, Zoya let it climb onto her fingers, and Nikolai reared back when she pulled it out from under the bed. “He’s harmless,” she said. She rose as carefully as she could, crossing the room to the window. “Come open this for me,” she called.

Though he hesitated, Nikolai did as he was told, opening the window so that Zoya could let the spider skitter off her fingers and onto the exterior wall of the palace. “My ruthless Zoya,” he said in awe, “doesn’t kill spiders?”

.

Also tagging  @katherinedeveraux @daywing and @antinomes

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Title: a pretty enchantress

Summary: Hermione is the Queen of Ithaca in search of her men who have been captured by the famed witch, Pansy. Feelings soon blossom and Hermione finds herself contented upon the island and with the company of Pansy who is rather eager to please.

Pairings: Hermione x Pansy

Written for @hprarepairnet​ & @slytherdornet​ - mythology au challenge

Read on A03 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731603

Keep reading

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if you're still doing requests, imma be basic and ask for kanej 💖: first words, first touch, or feel each others pain

title: to touch a soul rating: G fandom: grishaverse (six of crows) ship: kanej prompt:  💖 soulmates

a/n: I chose to write a mix between first touch and feel each other’s pain. it’s more like feel each other’s thoughts but amplified when touching! also written for @magicalnet ‘s September NEWTs!

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten my love feeds on your love, beloved and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine

— If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

Inej always feels the invisible tug at her mind when Kaz is upset, and she knows what it means. She feels his anger with Big Bolliger’s betrayal and his fear when the Council takes her. She feels his anxiety when he brings her long-lost parents to her, and she feels his apprehension at bandaging her wounds. But, like everything else, it’s easier to ignore something when it isn’t in your face, and for the most part, Kaz’s emotions do just that: they stay out of the way, pushed so deep inside of himself that he can barely feel them himself. It’s only when the situation is really dire that they start to bubble to the surface, choking him.

Kaz knows it, too, and he’d be remiss to push the notion of their unlikely connection away without assessing it. He’s learned to use Inej’s feelings to his advantage; he’s learned to gauge the situation based on her emotions that writhe and churn like the restless waters of the True Sea. Not that he’s manipulating her, at least not in the technical sense, but Kaz indeed has always known where to push her buttons for the benefit of all the Dregs. Besides, he supposes that Inej doesn’t really care too much, for Kaz is skilled at reading people even without a soulmate bond.

Soulmate bond. The two simple words that they’ve been skirting around for months or even years now. It’s a rare, delicate thing, almost nonexistent at this point. Inej knows that it has been said that the legendary Sankta Alina formed one, although legend doesn’t say with who. There are those that speculated it was with the late Darkling, those who guessed that it was in fact the Ravkan tsar himself. But in the end, it doesn’t really matter, because it’s not the nature of the bond that matters, but that only the truly special and their respective soulmates can have one. Or so Inej has been told.

Sankta Alina was legendary; of course she shared a soulmate bond, whether it was with a king or a peasant or a grisha. But Inej? And Kaz Brekker?

She knows that he is not worthy to have a soulmate bond bestowed on him, for he is a cheat and a liar and a con artist and a manipulator. But she can’t find it in her heart to put up a fight, especially since she can sense everything he’s feeling. Inej of all people would know that Kaz is not the monster he pretends to be. She wishes she could forget that she knows that, but she can’t. Kaz is as much a part of herself as she is. It hurts to admit it.

There are times, though, that she wonders if she isn’t his soulmate, though he is hers. Those are the times when he acts more callous than usual and buries his emotions under an entire desert, piles of pale, unrelenting sand that falls back into place as she tries to dig it out. And then he does something to confuse her all over again.

She wishes that she herself were not so easy to read.

And Kaz feels, often, that he is not good enough for her. They both know this, and there is no need to discuss it, because they can both sense that within him. And though Kaz once tried to bring up the nature of their bond, his own mind delirious and wandering, Inej only shushed him and disappeared not a moment later.

So at least he can say that he tried. Though of course, he didn’t try hard enough.

Despite everything, despite all the goodness and guilt and shame he can feel within her, Kaz only senses what he knows is the topmost layer of her psyche, and a part of him wants to plunder her mind and let her plunder his; for them both to be totally open with each other, bare and naked in a way even more intimate than sex.

It’s not until he removes his gloves that he finally gets the chance. Kaz’s knuckles are raw and red from the warm air and the cold water; his shirt sleeves are pulled back revealing toned, albeit pale, forearms; his mouth is set in a firm line. Inej watches his concentration deepen, and then, when his skin accidentally touches hers—

Oh, holy Saints.

His soul is ice, and hers is of fire, and they can see all the way through each other right in that moment. And then, before either of them can realize what is happening, he’s yanking his hand away, the dull, grey rag in his grip dripping on the bathroom tiles as he sucks in a breath. Kaz can barely breathe, and yet he wants to touch Inej again and again and again. He never wants to let her go.

But across from her, he can see Inej’s lips thinning and her eyes darkening. He sees her whole body tense its muscles and knows that she must have felt everything inside of him just as he felt everything inside of her, and for the first time, Kaz feels ashamed. He’s never allowed himself to feel this way before, but as he raises his eyes to meet hers, he allows some of his barriers to loosen and slip away, relishing the weight it takes off of his heart.

To Inej, this feels like rolling thunder, but it’s the good kind—the kind of thunder that precedes a beautiful summer storm, the kind Summoned by an Etherealki in stories that come from across the sea. To Inej, Kaz’s conscious opening to her is like a million flowers of all varieties; a newly invented birdsong; that gritty sand covering his soul swept away by a gust of strong wind. She can see him clearly now, or at least, she can see the top layer of his emotions, more than she’s ever seen before, save their one accidental brush.

And she watches as Kaz sucks in a breath and steps back toward her, deliberately placing a hand on her face. His eyes widen as he does it, for her skin there is soft and warm and not at all how he expected. He supposes that he had assumed the feel of her would have been naught but shadow and secrets, and his lips curl upward when he feels that she is flesh and bone.

For five long seconds, he doesn’t pull his hand away, instead leaning forward so that his lips just barely brush hers. It’s more of a rock in her direction, anyway, and yet somehow, to both of them, it counts. The emotions rush through them then, and Kaz and Inej cannot tell whose are whose. Kaz closes his eyes and bites his teeth to keep from retching, and Inej does her best not to let tears fall. She knows, then, that he is her soulmate with all absolute, and that she is his as well. There is no question, and she is back to wondering why.

Perhaps, one day, they will do great things. But for now, they are just two broken, healing teenagers in a bathroom, touching for the first time, and it’s something they will remember forever.

a/n: thanks for reading! if you’d like to read on ao3, the link is here! reblogs and comments are appreciated! let me know if you’d like to be added to a grishaverse/soc tag list!

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ревнивый

Post-KOS Nikolai x Zoya angst

.

“You were in love with her, weren’t you?” Zoya’s voice was soft in the night air, nearly drowned out by the crackling of the fireplace.

And he had so been enjoying the quiet. “Who?” Nikolai asked, stupidly.

“Alina.” Zoya said the name as if it were an obscenity.

Nikolai, stretched out on his enormous bed, miraculously unbound, said simply, “No.” It was said too quickly to be convincing.

Zoya raised a manicured brow at him. She sat on the edge of the bed, her torso twisted so she could look him in the eyes. Her own eyes, usually so blue, were nearly black in the low light. “Are you still?” she asked. The answer she wanted was clear.

“I don’t think I ever was.” Nikolai stared at the canopy over the bed as he spoke, his fingers interlaced over the star-shaped scar where the thorn had pierced him all those months ago. Though it had been healed long ago, it ached. Or was that his heart itself aching? “I liked her,” he said, slowly, “and it hurt when she left, but I don’t think I loved her.”

“Nikolai.” The name came gently, softly, nothing like the stern tone she usually used on him. She sounded hurt, more so than he had ever heard. He bit his lip. “You know you can’t lie to me.”

Staring out the window, watching the stars wheel past, Nikolai said, not the least bit sure of himself. “I can try.”

“It’s probably best to forget about her,” Zoya said, ever practical. “She’s–”

He cut her off, saying, “You know I love–”

“Don’t say it.”

But he was stubborn, and he said, meaning every word, “You know I love you, Zoya.”

“And yet it changes nothing.” He had never heard her sound so defeated. It was utterly wrong. She deflected, asking, “Shouldn’t you be thinking about Ehri? You’re marrying her, aren’t you?”

Nikolai didn’t hesitate to point out, “You sound jealous.”

Softly, Zoya admitted, “I am.”

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i want to write a book that makes people forget about their tea while they're reading it

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hazedartisan | an introduction.

ABOUT ME.

hi everyone! I’ve been lurking for a while, but I’ve finally worked up the nerve to come to this. for those of you who don’t know me, my name is nina, i’m fourteen, indian, a cancer, and an infp! I started this blog in january 2020 so i’m quite new. I created this blog for me to share content ranging from posts concerning my projects, characters, and writing to posts containing references, advice, poetry, art and photography! I write mostly romance, tragedy, and dystopian stories! I also write a little bit of poetry from time to time! As for my reading preferences, I mostly enjoy romance, fantasy, sci-fi mystery, and the classics. I’m also very much fond of poetry! (if you happen to write any of these, feel free to give this post a like/reblog!)  i know i use a lot of exclamation marks ahjsjkdjhkw

WRITING.

my main work-in-progress is titled “first we feel, then we fall”, a heart-wrenching romantic tragedy set in a dystopian society:

“Oliver Palkowitz is dead. In the aftermath of the war, in order to strengthen the might of Trebec, Ambrosio enacts a repopulation effort and a series of other draconian laws. Naeva Kowalski has a secret, lost but hidden in her mind, so she is sent as an enslaved surrogate to The Bailiff until her mind can be cracked.”

I currently don’t have any other wips yet, I’m debating if I have the attention span to write two things at the same time.

A NOTE TO ALL OF YOU.

thank you for reading! i’m hoping to do a wip introduction next and start introducing my characters soon! interaction with this post is very much appreciated as i’d love to follow more blogs, get acquainted with this community a bit more and make some new friends! feel free to ask me anything, my inquiries box and direct messages are always open to anyone, if you need me at any time ever for anything please don’t hesitate to reach out! i promise i don’t bite! :) 

tagging some incredible writers who inspired me : @zuiderhaaks @tormentings @hecataes @laketrials @ninazeniks @bellenzier @sautrns @vandorens 

special thanks to @noloumna for guiding me through this whole process and being both an incredibly sweet soul, and a huge inspiration!! :)

FIN.

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*Note: This headcanon is in response to this interaction between @malfoy and myself. It is heavily reliant on the headcanons about Narcissa and the Black family that Tessa posts about, and also based on this headcanon about Alice that I previously posted. Ao3 link

at first neither of them realizes it for what it is

 alice is just happy to have a few new friends to help her navigate this strange new world and narcissa is happy to be accepted for who she is.

that first summer is all giggles and sleepovers and afternoons lazing about by the pool

it's alice shoving bowls of ice cream at narcissa and the two of them walking arm and arm down diagon alley, window shopping and actual shopping and acting as if they own the place

when they get back to school that september things carry on in very much the same way.

they have a few classes together yes, but more often than not they have to actually make an effort to see each other.

there are afternoon study sessions out on the courtyard under a tree and evening sessions in the library stifling giggles and dodging looks from Madame Pince. there are weekend trips to hogsmeade together walking arm in arm as usual.

then narcissa starts to show up to sit in the stands and watch the hufflepuff quidditch practices

the first time she sees her in the stands, alice's stomach does that flip flopping sensation and she almost misses the snitch as it zooms past her.

but she writes it off as just being excited that one of her friends bothered to show up for a practice at all

still, there's a noticeable shift between them. alice can feel a palpable excitability whenever they spend time together

there's a softness there that wasn't there before. linking arms turns to holding hands, turns to eyes that lock a little too long to be just a coincidence.

that christmas, they both go home for the holidays as usual. narcissa is allowed to spend the night before the malfoy yule ball and as they're giggling sleepily and planning their outfits for the following evening they share a hesitant kiss.

they smile against each other's lips and the next morning they wake up in a tangle of limbs.

alice can swear that something is about to change, everything feels magical and perfect and she's happier than she's ever been.

that evening Lucius' betrothal to Narcissa is announced publicly.

it's alice's first true test of etiquette in pureblood society. she manages through with a smile plastered on her face, and hugs her brother to congratulate him.

she does manage to sneak away for a few moments to allow herself to hyperventilate in peace. to gather herself and blink away the tears as she mourns something that she never really had in the first place.

she tells herself that it's not going to change anything because nothing really happened in the first place. all that she feels for narcissa and the way it fills her up and chokes her is just her misplaced friendship. her loyalty and affection.

she'll get over this

narcissa is still her best friend and better yet, they'll be sisters.

but that does nothing to help ease the ache in her chest as she watches her brother and his future bride stand side by side greeting guests and practicing for their future together as Lord and Lady Malfoy.

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Are you a “can’t write dialogue” writer or a “can’t describe anything” writer

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*Note: for this headcanon, Alice Longbottome née Fortescue was abandoned at birth by an unknown witch and was adopted and raised by the Fortescue’s. 

AO3 link 

Alice is fourteen years old the first time she sets foot in Malfoy Manor. She’s terrified and doesn’t know what to expect. Not only from the imposing house and her new life, but from her father and brother as well. 

Lucius of course, she knows of from school, but it’s not as if they have many friends in common or reasons to interact.

She is self conscious of everything at that first meeting from what she’s wearing to how she talks and the way she fidgets and of course, her table manners.

Abraxas is surprising. He’s kind and soft in a way she never expected and she instantly feels what can only be described as warmth toward him. 

Lucius is different here than at school. He seems more open, his face shines like the sun when he smiles and Alice never had a sibling before but she feels an immediate kinship with him that only cements itself over that summer as they spend time together and get to know one another, creating memories and inside jokes. 

Her parents are supportive and understanding, after all they always told her she was adopted and loved and wanted. They always gave her all the love she could ever want and more. Finding her birth family can only be seen as a blessing for Alice in their eyes.

They tell her this is a good thing. She’s not losing them but gaining the Malfoy’s.

She will always be their daughter but she should build her relationship with the Malfoys as well. It is perfectly fine that she calls Abraxas Papa and she spends most of the summer at the Manor and that she’s excited for balls and fancy dresses and new friends and all the other things her new life affords her. They tell her they love her, they tell her she deserves this, they tell her they tell her all this and more.

It gets easier to fit into her new role as a member of Society. She makes friends with Narcissa Black, and Emma Vanity and they make it easier to adjust, filling her in on all the necessary gossip and the ins and outs of etiquette and  decorum and what is now expected of her as Abraxas Malfoy’s daughter. 

The first time Alice and Rodolphus actually speak is at the Malfoy Yule Ball that year. They both play quidditch at Hogwarts so it’s not like they don’t know who the other is, but at school they never had much to talk about other than the normal rival quidditch insults thrown around half heartedly. 

She’s never had a crush before but Alice is fairly certain that the way her chest seems to tighten when he laughs and the way her stomach flips when he asks her for a single dance is pretty close to that. 

He’s a perfect gentleman of course, all these Pureblood society types are, and why wouldn’t they be? They were born into this, the unspoken rules have been drilled into them since birth and even though Alice is doing her best she can’t help but notice the glances thrown her way every so often, the whispers followed by condescending smirks and not very kind giggles. 

Rodolphus tells her to ignore them. Your father has claimed you as his legitimate child he says. That is all that matters he says. You are one of us he says. 

Coming from him it’s slightly different than when her father and brother and new friends said it. Coming from him it feels safe, and warm and welcoming and like the truth. 

That night or early the next morning as she’s laying in bed, giggling with Emma and Narcissa, she goes quiet as she remembers Rodolphus is betrothed already. That he was probably just being polite when he asked her to dance, that he was just being a gentleman, and a good friend of the family and that she’ll never actually have a chance at anything with him. 

But when school starts back up after the holidays he smiles when he passes her in the corridors. He makes polite conversation when she comes to visit Lucius in the Slytherin common room which may or may not happen a lot more than before and may or may not be completely unnecessary in nature. 

Her days fall into an easy rhythm of balance between her two worlds. She goes to classes, has quidditch practices, still hangs out with all her friends and goes to the same clubs she did before, but now she makes time for Lucius and though he won't admit it, he definitely likes having his sister around. 

That school year ends much like the  ones before it, but this time as Alice steps off the Hogwarts express she’s glowing with a newfound happiness. She hugs three parents that day instead of two.

She makes plans to visit Amos Diggory, because he’s been her best friend since first year, and all her other friends as she normally does; but this time there are plans that include Narcissa and Emma, and Abraxas taking Alice for a holiday to Paris and the family vacation Estate in Spain, and Alice never thought there had been anything missing in her life before, but now she knows there’s no way she would ever give this life up for anything. 

Shortly after she graduates it will become clear just how very wrong she was.

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Anton Chekhov, from Complete Works of Anton Chekhov; “The Lion and the Sun,”

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“I’ve hoarded your name in my mouth for months. My throat is a beehive pitched in the river. Look! Look how long this love can hold its breath.”

— Sierra DeMulder, from “Your Love Finds Its Way Back” in Today Means Amen

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inspired by posts like this one  e.e cummings,”i carry your heart with me”// margaret atwood, selected poems (1965-1975) // virginia woolf, “night and day”

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IN THE VALLEY OF LOVE

— a tribute piece to earth day.

discover my faves right now:

○ photography credit.

○ music.

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Sure the world breeds monsters, but kindness grows just as wild….

Mary Karr, The Liar’s Club. (via wordsnquotes)

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I burn for him with starved desire,

Jean Racine, from ‘Phaedra’, tr. Richard Wilbur (via derangedrhythms)

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HADES : Tell them that you weren’t hungry, tell them you followed the pomegranates seeds because they tasted like blood, like love.

Pauline Albanese, The Closed Doors (via antigonick)