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lpmurphy · 3 months ago

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FOUR CHAPTERS!!!

And a fifth coming fairly soon!!!

And Then There Was You

Read on AO3

One Two Three Four

Fic Summary: Who she once was became fuzzier as the years went on; blurrier around the edges, like a scope that was out of focus. But in all of the memories that remained hers, there was him.

Chapter Summary: The Spartans choose pets.

Four: Eloise

HER favorite year was when they chose pets. It hadn’t lasted the entirety of her fourteenth year. Really, it had only spanned a few months, and she would only have fragments to remember. She hadn’t known then that she would soon feel that way about most things as they became glimmers too small to bother twisting her mind around.

The excitement that buzzed through her was shared by the rest of them once the announcement was made at morning formation. That is, after Déjà explained to them all what the purpose of a pet was exactly during their shared morning course before they were split off by specialty. But the unfamiliarity did nothing to impede the strange feeling that pulsed through her. She had been excited before, but never for something like this.

They got to pick out pets.

It would be hers.

She got to choose.

Vannak was the most excited of them all. The evening before they picked, he slapped his pad down onto her bunk before his body followed, thunking down so hard that it bucked her off the mattress with a surprised gasp. He didn’t pay any mind to her glare before launching straight into a rambling speech without apologizing, speaking at a speed she had only ever heard from Kai.

“I hacked into Spangler’s message inbox,” he said breathlessly, scrolling through the crotchety marksmanship instructor’s message threads casually before selecting one. “He was included on an email listing what all is going to be there tomorrow.”

He tilted his pad toward her, displaying the illegally obtained message that she was sure carried a ridiculously high clearance level despite how plain the subject matter seemed to be. She leaned forward to look, but he snapped it back, his eyes locked on the screen with a joyous stare. Something unpleasant bubbled in her gut. Her lips twitched into a frown before she swallowed the feeling, recognizing how ridiculous it was. Surely she wasn’t jealous of a screen. Because that would be stupid, and she certainly wasn’t stupid. She tugged the pad back, setting it between them and trying to meet the list with the same level of wonder he did.

“Why would you take that?” She knew it was a silly question the moment she asked it. Vannak never explained why he took things. He was simply reallocating information and equipment as he best saw fit, he would say.

His head twisted up to her with a bewildered stare. “Why wouldn’t I?”

She cocked an eyebrow in challenge, matching his flat stare. “Because you aren’t supposed to?”

He waved a dismissive hand before dropping his eyes back to the pad. “They wouldn’t have taught us how to do it if they didn’t want us doing it. It’s a consequence of their actions, not mine.” She rolled her eyes and leaned forward to watch as he scrolled. “If I know what’s going to be there tomorrow, then I can start weighing my options and decide on my top ten. You should do the same.”

“Ten? Isn’t that a little excessive?” She scoffed, but Vannak’s expression maintained its serious composure. With a nod, she crossed her legs under her. Her knee bumped against the hand he gripped the pad with, and the feathery feeling between her ribs left her quite pleased when he didn’t pull away. “Has everyone else seen it?”

Without pulling his eyes from the screen, he shook his head with a soft snort. He looked around the room and lifted a hand when he was sure that nobody was watching, holding it palm up, swirling his finger in a small circle before flicking it to her in a point.

Only you.

The pinched, confused stare she met him with did nothing to faze him. He’d grown too used to seeing the annoyed, questioning glare that usually followed the same series of aggressive finger spelling; WTF. He returned it with a roll of his eyes before she whispered, “Why?”

He shrugged. “I wanted you to be the first to choose.”

Heat burned at her cheeks. Vannak sat up, crawling up her bed to sit beside her against the cool cement wall, his shoulder pressed firmly beside her. He lifted the arm that held the pad around her shoulders, using it to hold the screen at eye level in front of them, leaving his other hand free to sign. She moved closer to him to see the screen better.

So be quiet about it, he signed.

I am quiet! she signed back.

He rolled his eyes again with that stupid, smug, punchable look and huffed out a skeptical laugh, ignoring the rather clear, one-fingered sign she flashed him. He tapped the pad impatiently with his thumb to restore her focus to the list. As she read over it, it didn’t feel as insignificant as it looked. The options went on, numbered with how many of each animal would be available to them. The more extravagant pets only appeared as a single entity, while the more common ones were listed in multiples. Vannak had already begun to whisper to her about the more exotic entries—birds and farm animals and things with scales. But she was drawn to the last line item.

“They’re going to have kittens?” she whispered in an excited gasp. Vannak was quick to clap his hand over her mouth with a disapproving stare. She smiled against his palm, too thrilled to care.

He removed his hand to hold out his fingers. Five.

She grinned, taking the pad from his hands to read the list again, the word bouncing through her thoughts. It was the first she had thought of at the announcement. Images of a sleek gray cat ran circles through her mind in a continuous loop. She couldn’t remember where she had seen it, but the memory of it didn’t carry the same haze around the edges as most of the others did.

She looked back up at him with a smile, expecting his eyes to be on the screen as he determined his picks, like he was assembling a team. But he wasn’t reading over the list he’d probably memorized by now. Instead, he looked at her, his seriousness gone, replaced by a look that made her want to look away. She dropped her eyes at the sight of his small smile, something flipping over inside her. He was probably excited too. That’s why he had to be looking at her like that.

Are there pictures?

Careful, he chuffed. You’re starting to sound like me.

She rolled her eyes. Please, I could never sound that dumb.

He barked out a laugh and gave her a gentle shove with his shoulder, nearly rocking her over the edge of her bed. The sound of his combined laugh and her surprised gasp raised the eyes of a few, but they quickly returned to their training terminals once they determined the unsurprising source. It was one they’d all grown to expect from either his bunk or hers before lights out.

Most nights, they’d speak only in a flutter of hands that would make the others roll their eyes. After lights out, and after they were sure the others were asleep, he’d creep across the room to sit on her bunk so they could sign into each other’s palms in the dark, sharing stories from her books or the rather daunting details of his own studies. It was her favorite part of her day. They’d just be; alone in a few stolen moments in the darkness where she didn’t have to share him with anyone else. They’d stay that way, unspoken words flowing between them in silence until his hands would come to rest over her own and his breathing would grow soft and even under her shoulder before she would shake him awake to send him off to his own bunk.

Some nights she didn’t want to send him away. Instead, she would nod off to the sound of his soft breathing and the warm weight of his hand atop her own. The same feeling would crawl through her gut—the very same she had felt in the woods, and the very first time he’d spoken to her in the confusion of the day they all arrived. Something would flutter against her ribs when his fingers brushed against her own that she couldn’t quite explain. She usually didn’t like a lack of explanation—certainly, there was a reason for why the air seemed to feel thinner around him, wasn’t there?

Vannak’s fingers fluttered again to tell her to be quiet. She nodded, watching as he moved his fingers against the knee of the leg he’d drawn up. No. I can look again if you want them? Have something specific in mind?

Her hands didn’t hesitate. A gray one.

Why?

I had a dream about one once. She told him. The confession would not have flowed from her so freely around the others. It belonged to her. She quite preferred it that way, really. Everything was shared among the Spartans: their time, their resources, their space. Sometimes, she’d lay awake in the barracks listening to Kai mumble in her sleep between John’s snores, pretending she didn’t notice Soren slipping in and out in the shadows, and wish that she could sleep alone.

But she never minded sharing anything with Vannak. In fact, it pained her not to share things with him. Privacy was never something she yearned for in his presence—solitude was not something she sought from him like she would sometimes seek from the others. The few things that remained hers became his as well: her thoughts, her dreams, all the things that she refused to let anyone know but him. She liked knowing that he held them and that he would protect them just the same.

He glanced over at her with that strange, hard-to-look-at smile. She didn’t look away this time. He dropped his hand to the knee that rested against his own. A gray one, then. Anyone who gets in between you and one has to deal with me.

She laughed. A snort puffed from one of the training terminals, followed by a low grumble. Must have been a difficult task to complete. Which one do you want? she asked.

He stared at the list thoughtfully for a moment before he dropped the pad to their laps and turned one hand over the other, slapping the back of his hand against his palm in an excited clap.

All of them.

“You can’t have all of them,” she scoffed.

I’d like to, he said, the earnest look on his face shadowed with a small smile, his eyes still on the screen. He sat thoughtfully for a moment before he added, Someday.

The word didn’t sink into her like his others. Instead, it sat on the surface, like oil and water. She tucked it away, but it crept forward, chasing a gray cat around her mind. Someday. She liked the sound of someday.

What’s your top choice? she asked.

I think a pig.

She snorted dryly, holding back her smirk as she signed to him. Just what we need—two pigs in the barracks.

That feathery feeling returned to her chest when he shoved her shoulder again. Vannak flicked the document away, replacing it with renderings of weaponry he was to memorize. It only grew as she let her head fall to his shoulder, lifting her own pad to her lap. Yet, in the quiet of the barracks with her head on his shoulder, she found she didn’t search for the reason why she’d trace over the lines on his palms while he slept until his fingers would close around her own. Instead, she just enjoyed that she shared it with him.

---

She took her time when they brought them to choose.

It was a rather strange sight, she decided. The excited whispers that had passed through the barracks that morning ceased as soon as they were led into that space, the air around them quiet and dead, save for the calls of the animals that surrounded them. None of them seemed quite sure how to react or what an appropriate reaction would be to the adults who watched them. While the others focused on the cages and pens, Riz watched the assortment of officers and scientists lining the far edge of the room, waiting for the catch she knew would come as the selection process was explained.

Her eyes fell on Halsey and her assistant, both taking notes furiously, watching them all with that bug-in-a-jar look as they walked between squealing animals. The anticipation that edged Halsey’s features each time one of them approached—only to either fall or heighten when they turned away and announced their choice—made Riz feel uneasy. There’s the catch, she thought. As with everything else the woman did, this had been carefully crafted and calculated, too. She didn’t care what Halsey and her team had already deemed the right and wrong choices for each of them. She was going to make her choice, despite what Halsey had already chosen for her. She refused to let it be made for her.

Kai picked first. Her choice came almost instantly, in the same speedy way she met all things. She lifted the puppy from the metal pen carefully, scratching the ears of the few that leaned their paws up, stretching to nip at her fingers playfully. The bouncy shepherd puppy flopped in her arms, wiggling and barking excitedly, watching Kai with bright, wild blue eyes and a tongue that seemed permanently lolling out of his mouth. Wrestling with the squirming animal that seemed more like a berserk ball of white and blue fluff than a dog to Riz, Kai stepped to the side. Riz wasn’t sure why she looked to Halsey, but she saw the woman’s short nod of approval before she began taking notes again. Kai had made the right choice. The one Halsey had made for her without knowing it.

The others were quick to claim theirs after Kai, their silent observations of her easing them into the unfamiliar scenario. But as Riz continued to circle the pens, tanks, and crates of wiggling puppies and kittens, the others focused on their selections, and she watched Halsey. One by one, they picked. For some, Halsey would nod and type with great excitement, as if their choice somehow vindicated her hypothesis for an experiment. For others—Soren being the first—Riz noticed the slightest downward twitch of her lips before she whispered to her assistant, the frenzied typing slowing for only a moment.

The sight of it made her feel ill. It made her hands shake. What if I make the wrong choice? Or worse, she thought, what if I make the right one? Would it even have been her choice at all, then?

Nora’s ferret earned a nod. Julia’s rabbit slowed the tapping. John’s kitten sped it up, although Riz was sure that no matter what John chose, Halsey would be pleased. Halsey watched Vannak gravitate toward the larger, more pungent animals. He was the happiest Riz had ever seen him when he picked out a piglet that grunted and squirmed in his arms. The selection earned a nod, and Riz was so focused on the quick typing that fell in rhythm with the pounding in her ears that she hadn’t realized she was the only one who hadn’t made a selection.

“Make a choice, 028. We don’t have all damn day.”

Her head jerked to where the others stood, focusing on the animals that squirmed in their arms or called from their cages. Vannak caught her eye with that smile, and a tinge of frustration bit through her. Why is he looking at me like that? All soft and gentle and stupid, like he wasn’t paying attention to what was going on around him. She wanted to know why. She wanted to understand it. But mostly, she wanted to understand why part of her didn’t want him to stop looking at her like that.

Tightening his grip around the snorting piglet, he tilted his head toward the far wall, flashing a pointed look at it before his gaze returned to her. She followed the instruction to the crates that sat against the far wall. Not many creatures remained in the enclosures as she walked across the room, and she tried not to focus on the question of what would become of those that hadn’t been selected. Maybe the instructors will take them home, she told herself. Vannak would like that answer.

She crouched in front of the seemingly empty crate, brows pinching in confusion. There was nothing in it except a thin blanket and a half-empty dish of water. Why would he direct me to this one? Dumbass. Rolling her eyes, she moved to stand, but the sudden shift of the blanket brought her back to the floor. The edge of the blanket nudged up, allowing round, yellow eyes to peer back at her cautiously from underneath.

Riz sat back slowly, quietly placing her hands in her lap and showing the cat her empty palms so it would know she wasn’t a threat. With a curious sound, the kitten lifted itself from the defensive crouch it had lowered into, allowing the blanket to fall off its head.

She hadn’t seen the creature when she’d first looked over the kittens that had tumbled over each other in a clumsy pile. This one was smaller than the rest of its siblings and far quieter than them, too. Not nearly as wiggly or wild as the others that had overturned their food dishes and scaled the wire walls of the crate. Instead, it was cautious. Calm but alert, tracking her every move carefully.

Riz remained still when the kitten took an experimental step forward, watching to see how Riz would react. When she realized that Riz remained still, it continued to the side of the crate to sit across from her. She raised a hand to the wire, slowly poking her fingers through. Riz smiled softly when the kitten pressed against them, rubbing her face against her fingers with a soft purr. The gray kitten didn’t fight when Riz removed her from the crate and held her to her chest, stroking her thumb along the sleek fur of her haunch.

Vannak hid a smile when she joined the rest of them, nodding his approval. She couldn’t help but flash an uneasy glance toward Halsey before stepping beside him. Icy blue eyes remained fixed on her for a moment before she reacted, Riz’s breath sitting in her throat. The woman’s lips twitched downward before she began to type slowly. Riz fought her smirk and stepped beside Vannak, questioning why she enjoyed getting the wrong answer for the first time in her life when she looked away.

Vannak looked down at the kitten she held, looking rather pleased with himself at her choice. The look he wore now wasn’t as difficult to read as before when that dumb, smug, punchable smirk split his face. The words that passed between them didn’t need to be signed against her leg as they rang from him.

I knew it.

She guessed he did.

---

“Damn it, Kody! Kai, get your dumb dog!”

Riz didn’t look away from her training terminal as a succession of quick crashes rang through the barracks. She knew the cause—it was the same as the four other times that phrase had been shouted across the room in a variety of colorful language, and the countless other times she’d heard it over the last six months. She returned her eyes to the screen, watching individual characters flash momentarily before she identified what language they belonged to and their counterpart letters in at least four different alphabets.

“It’s not his fault! Aussies need frequent exercise! He’s just bored!”

“Then take him outside!” John snapped. Another crash and a happy bark followed his words, joined by the yowl of a rather irate cat. “Leo is going to put another gash in his nose if he keeps chasing him.”

“If your dumb cat hurts my dog again, I’m going to kick your ass!”

“So? I’d kick your ass too if you were being that annoying. Which is all the goddamn time!”

The overlapping bickering grew into a barely coherent jumble of insults and curses. Riz nodded her approval at a rather creative one Kai shouted at John. She must have heard it from Soren, Riz assumed. Leaning back in her seat, she glimpsed through the open doorway into the barracks, watching as John and Kai continued to argue. Kai held her dog back by the collar while Kody lunged toward the striped orange cat in John’s arms, who hissed at the pup. It was a rather bratty little thing, Riz thought. John would claim the cat was taking after the Spartan general he was named for, but they all knew he simply indulged the animal too often.

Shaking her head, Riz returned to her drills as the fight continued. Normally, John wouldn’t engage, but since he’d turned thirteen, Riz had noticed he was far more snippy than usual. It didn’t surprise her, though. All of the boys had gotten moodier over the past year or two—annoyingly so.

A soft purr turned her attention from the screen to her lap. Eloise rolled onto her back, stretching her legs upward, a large yawn stretching her maw to expose tiny, shark-like teeth. Riz wiggled her fingers above the cat, who watched the movement with wide, round eyes before batting up at them. Riz smiled as the cat kicked at her, then gasped when sharp claws stabbed into her finger. She tapped at the cat’s extended paw in soft scolding, but Eloise only stretched her toes further, displaying her claws like a smug confession.

“Sneaky little thing,” she chided softly.

Eloise turned over in her lap to knead her leg with a pleased purr. The shouting had ceased, and by the lack of frustrated groans and crashes, Riz assumed John had gotten his way. She leaned back with a contented sigh, still scratching Eloise’s ears while she returned to her drills. The cat pushed into her fingers happily.

Most of her evenings over the last several months had been spent this way. She would find Eloise curled up under the blanket in her kennel, waiting patiently for Riz to return and bring her to the barracks. The cat would shadow her until lights out, either lying in her lap as she studied or watching curiously from the foot of her bunk.

It didn’t surprise her when the cat hopped from her lap with a happy chirp at the sound of approaching footsteps. That had become a common occurrence over the last five months as well. She didn’t even bother to look up anymore.

“Hey, Louie,” Vannak said softly, scooping the lanky kitten up when she stretched against his leg. Riz watched him approach in her peripheral vision, scratching Eloise’s side and murmuring to her in that gentle voice he only ever seemed capable of in the presence of anything with scales, feathers, or fur. Eloise pushed up into his hand, yellow eyes closed as she purred noisily.

“That’s not her name,” Riz called.

“She doesn’t mind,” Vannak said, still scratching the cat’s chin. “She likes it.”

“She’s going to get confused,” Riz sighed, repeating the same half-hearted argument they had almost daily. He’d go back to calling the animal by the name Riz had carefully selected from one of the books he’d reallocated to her pad for a few hours, only to fall back into the nickname.

She didn’t need to look at him to know he rolled his eyes. “She’s not going to get confused,” he sighed.

He stepped beside the training terminal, bringing with him the overwhelming smell of livestock and wet earth that clung to him every time he returned from visiting Ivan. At first, it had been rather unpleasant, announcing his arrival each time he came back dirty and beaming. It stopped bothering her after a while. It just smelled like him.

Vannak leaned against the doorway of the terminal, looking up at her screen. An angular character flashed, and she opened her mouth to identify it—

“Korean,” he stated first, quickly listing a succession of languages. She looked up, met by a smug smile before he shrugged. “See? I’ve been paying attention.”

She rolled her eyes and returned to her screen. “You smell like a barn,” she told him.

“So I’ve been told. I think you’re just jealous that I picked a cooler animal than you.”

Riz shot him a flat stare before the next round of characters flashed. “Yeah, that’s why.”

“C’mon, Red. Just admit your seething, undying jealousy that I chose something awesome, and you chose an animal that sleeps 18 hours a day and shits in a box,” he teased.

“That’s right, you just chose the one that lays in its own shit instead,” she said flatly, fighting the smirk that threatened to twist her lips at his miffed scowl.

He snorted derisively. “You know, pigs are as intelligent as a three-year-old child.”

“So you have plenty in common, then.”

She turned to him with a tight, amused smile, which he returned with a steely glare, pushing his hands away when he swatted at her arm. He hid his own smile and slid into the terminal beside her, letting Eloise rest in his lap.

“Are you done?” he asked.

He didn’t bother to wait for her response before logging her off the terminal and stating his own identification, ignoring the exasperated noise she made. The terminal seat was hardly big enough for both of them, leaving her pressed against his side in the tight quarters. Eloise spread out across their laps, yawning and lazily batting at the zipper of his jacket.

“I wanted to show you something,” he said, tapping at the screen.

“I thought it was my turn to share first?” she goaded.

He shrugged dismissively. “It was. Now it’s not. Besides, this is cool, I promise.”

She didn’t argue, instead following his finger as he explained the components of the improvised explosive devices used by insurgents—how to identify and dismantle them. She didn’t bother to tell him she had already learned this earlier in the week. Instead, she just listened to the low rumble of his voice, which seemed to have gotten deeper overnight. Eloise pushed her head under his hand, and Vannak stroked his thumb gently between her eyes without pausing his explanation.

Riz watched the slow, soft movement as he spoke. Eloise’s purrs slowed into soft, even breathing, growing more relaxed under his hand. She always found it peculiar—the way the boy who had always been bigger and stronger than the rest of them handled something so fragile with such great care. But then again, she had always found him to be a bit peculiar.

Maybe those peculiarities were the reason she seemed to prefer him over everyone else.

Her eyes snapped back to the screen when he looked up with that hard-to-look-at smile. She continued to stare straight ahead, her cheeks growing hot when she realized his eyes were still on her—still smiling that stupid smile.

Probably because of the cat, she assumed.

---

Her favorite months ended the same way they began: during morning formation.

It was announced that this week would consist of rounds of Hunter vs. Hunted, their favorite exercise—until this time, when it wasn’t. They hadn’t known that yet. It seemed like any other iteration of the exercise as the directives were explained. The same grumbles were exchanged at mealtimes when it was announced that Vannak and August would go up against each other first. Vannak always won, which annoyed everyone except for Vannak, who was rather pleased by the fact.

Vannak found and neutralized her after only a few hours. They returned to base late that afternoon, covered in grime, August silently fuming as she awaited her penalty for losing. The punishments were always the same—latrine duty or being sent to the quarterdeck until whatever drill sergeant was assigned to them decided they’d had enough.

But Riz found it odd when the two returned and they all received orders to report to the grinder immediately. She assumed this was just another one of their ways to teach them discipline, a lecture on how one person’s failure could jeopardize their entire squad before subjecting them to extra hours of PT. She hadn’t expected to find August standing in front of all of them, confusion bright in her eyes as they all watched at attention.

The confusion that coursed through them all was sucked away when August’s dog was led out, leaving Riz’s chest painfully empty. Vannak tensed beside her when the order was given, and Riz almost couldn’t believe what she heard. The heeler yipped at August happily, tugging at its leash, its tail wagging wildly at the sight of her. They didn’t care when she cried and started to beg, nor when the dog barked in distress at sensing his owner’s fear. They just repeated the order and threatened insubordination charges. The same warnings were lost on Soren, who argued from formation when August fell silent.

Riz jumped slightly and dropped her eyes when the gun went off and the barking ceased, leaving the grinder eerily silent. She wasn’t sure why she jumped, or why her fingers twitched from her side to reach for his at the sound of the shot. She’d heard plenty before and knew there would be many more to come. This life would just be one of many taken by their hands. But this was different. This was something innocent. Something that trusted them. Something that loved them.

She swallowed hard and shot a quick glance at Vannak, hoping he had closed his eyes against the sight, but he stared forward with a look she didn’t recognize. She knew he had come to the same realization as the rest of them.

This was no longer a game.

The heaviness that hung over the barracks that week felt suffocating. The first night had been the strangest when Halsey arrived shortly after August’s punishment. She paused in the doorway for a moment, watching as Julia sat beside August on her bunk in comforting silence before calling August to her. Riz wasn’t sure why it made her stomach churn more than the order the other girl had been given.

The same order was given to the loser of each round throughout the week. Vannak never lost. The victor kept their pet; the loser did not return quite as fortunate. It felt too simple to her—the blatant, black-and-white nature of the punishment. There had to be a catch, she thought. There was always a catch.

The exercise had never scared Riz until then, that fear growing with each day that passed, bringing her closer to the moment she was slated to go against Vannak. When he visited her bunk the night before, as everyone slept, it felt unlike all the other times that had come before. Eloise purred at the sight of him, wiggling out of Riz’s arms to trot down the mattress to where he sat quietly at the foot of the bed. She hadn’t meant to snatch the cat back before it reached him. She did her best to ignore the hurt that flashed in his eyes at the action.

They stayed that way for several long moments, watching each other, before Vannak raised his hands.

I never lose, he told her.

I know.

The series of signs that followed only confused her. He gestured to himself before raising both fists, thumbs tucked between his fingers as he rocked them toward her.

I’ll try.

That strange look she’d seen the evening August lost sat heavy in his eyes as he watched her in the dark, and she finally found the name for what pooled there. She lifted her own hands.

Why would you do that? she asked.

Because I’d rather I lose than you lose.

The unspoken words hung between them in the dark. He didn’t watch her expectantly as he usually would, waiting for a response. There was a finality to the action that twisted in her chest.

Eloise rose from her lap again, and this time, she didn’t stop the cat when she padded down the sheets to curl up in Vannak’s lap. He lifted his hands again, but she took them before he could sign. He didn’t let go of her fingers when she squeezed his hands and lowered them to the sheets between them, nor did she want him to.

---

He didn’t lose. She wouldn’t let him.

The barracks felt too full when she returned that evening without Eloise. Eyes followed her across the room as she walked briskly toward the showers, fighting the wet sting of tears the entire way before she finally allowed them to fall under the privacy of her shower. She stayed there, hand pressed over her mouth to muffle her sobs, until she felt too dried up to continue and decided to rejoin the others.

The one pair of eyes she didn’t wish to see watched from behind her in the mirror as she changed, locked on the red that ringed her eyes with that look that left her feeling torn apart all over again. She didn’t stop when he said her name or when Vannak grabbed her arm to stop her. She just shook him off and continued forward, unwilling to see the red that rimmed his own eyes. It must have been dirt from the woods, she told herself.

The order she’d lamented over chased itself through her mind, absent of the sleek gray cat that once would have followed it. The weight of the order pressed down on her in a crushing manner. She knew it would come eventually. It was only a matter of time, she would tell herself as she lay awake, staring up at the pockmarked gray of the ceiling, listening to Eloise breathe from where she curled up on her pillow beside her. No attachments, they told them. Attachments were distractions. Deterrents. But it hadn’t felt that way. She wanted to have things to care about. If she couldn’t care for others, then who would care for her?

The rest of the evening had been spent the same way. Each pitying stare from across the room was carefully avoided. Signs of her name and silent requests of ‘talk to me, please’ were ignored. She couldn’t recall a time in which she had ever avoided him the way she did then. But she didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want the forbearing looks that had replaced the way he looked at her, like she was as helpless as the being that looked to her with nothing but trust before she followed orders. She just wanted to be alone.

Riz sat in the dark of the empty classroom, pale moonlight tossing shadows like specters across the tabletops. She hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin atop them, and quickly wiped away the wet that spilled down her cheek. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be there. She knew that she would be punished if someone found her. But any punishment they could think of would pale in comparison to the one she’d received today. Hugging her knees to her, she swallowed down the fresh wave of tears that bubbled in her throat. Spartans didn’t cry, they had been told. She wouldn’t either.

After their first attempt to sneak out had been thwarted by Halsey, both she and Vannak had become far better at slipping through the shadows unnoticed. The empty classroom became a place of solace for both of them that they’d escape to, sitting in each other’s silent presence in the dark. They’d just be. However, she hadn’t signed a quiet signal from her bunk once the others fell asleep to slink through the dark and steal a few moments in borrowed silence beside him. Instead, she had pretended to be asleep until she heard the familiar shift of his mattress, finding his own bunk empty when she opened her eyes and set out for the solitude she craved.

As she sat alone in the shadows of the empty classroom, the stillness around her was suffocating, amplifying the ache in her chest. The solitude that they both found there brought a bitterness that settled into her, cold and stiffening, seeping into her bones like the night air. It felt no different than the bed she had slipped from. Somehow, the small bunk had felt far too large and far too cold now that it lacked someone sharing her pillow.

Riz barely had time to scrub the wetness from her face before she heard the faintest creak of the door shifting open. Her stomach clenched. She didn’t bother moving, didn’t even try to hide—she had already accepted whatever punishment was coming. It wasn’t fear that settled in her bones but resignation, a cold, sinking weight in her gut. She had broken curfew; she wasn’t where she was supposed to be, and the officers in their chain of command never took kindly to disobedience. But when she turned toward the doorway, bracing herself, a familiar silhouette lingered instead. Broad shoulders filled the frame, silent and unmoving. The dim light of the hallway carved out the sharp lines of his face, and in that half-light, Vannak looked impossibly tired.

Wordlessly, he stepped inside, shutting the door behind him as his gaze fixed on her, unreadable in the dark. She wiped at her face hastily, as if it would erase the evidence of what had already been seen, then lifted her chin. She met his stare head-on, swallowing past the lump in her throat.

Leave me alone, she signed, hoping that the fading light of the hallway hadn’t passed over her face when he shut the door behind him soundlessly. She could see that look on his face even in the dark. It made her stomach twist, and she looked away. She hated being looked at that way; like she was weak. Like she was pathetic. She especially hated that he was the one looking at her that way.

He continued to advance, ignoring the series of signs she continued to flash at him. When the signs failed to keep him from moving toward her, she began to whisper.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

Her whispered words were tinged with shaky desperation rather than the firm authority she hoped they would carry. It didn’t stop him. He didn’t say a word, still crossing the room to where she sat, hoping that her furious glare would disguise the wetness that threatened her eyes and turn him back through the door. Her hopes were fleeting when he continued toward her and sat beside her slowly, his eyes fixed on the wall ahead of him. That strange look remained on his face, but he wouldn’t look at her, even when she continued to glare at him angrily.

“Go away, Van.”

He didn’t. Instead, he pulled his knees to his chest, mirroring her own tight posturing when he rested his arms atop of them. With a huff, she pushed herself up, fighting the tears that bit at her eyes. Before she could make it to the door, a large hand gripped her wrist and pulled her back down beside him.

“Stop,” she hissed, ripping his hand off and pushing it aside. Embarrassment welled in her stomach when the crack of her voice rang through the silence. “I told you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

She pushed herself up again, but he only tightened his grip, anchoring her to the spot as she fought him, trying desperately to throw him off. His hands, strong yet gentle, gripped her wrist, a reminder of the unyielding strength that lay beneath his quiet demeanor. Every attempt to break free was met with firm resistance. They both knew he was stronger, the weight of his resolve pressing down on her as he brought her back to the ground. A quiver ran through her lips, the hot rush of tears spilling forth despite her efforts to contain them. She wiped them away quickly, frustration boiling within her as she struggled against the torrent of emotions threatening to engulf her. She didn’t want to share this. She didn’t want to share it with him. It simmered just beneath the surface, a fierce heat that blazed through her as she fought against the shame of her tears. Spartans didn’t cry. The others hadn’t cried. So why did she?

She wiped her eyes quickly and pushed at his hands with a frustrated groan. Why couldn’t he just listen? But he remained calm, catching her wrists effortlessly and pulling her against him, trapping her in an embrace that felt anything but restricting as he held her. She squirmed, trying to wiggle free, but he held her tightly to his chest.

“You don’t have to talk to me,” he whispered, his soft voice edged with a scratchiness she’d never heard before. “You can hit me; scream, bite, kick, scratch. You can even hate me, Red. But I won’t let you be alone.”

She paused, her resistance faltering at his words. He loosened his grip, allowing her to lean back just enough to meet his gaze, his fingers still wrapped gently around her wrist. He waited patiently, ready to accept whatever she threw at him, whether it was anger, despair, or the words she couldn’t yet find. But as she met his eyes, she recognized that the expression reflected back at her wasn’t pity. She felt her lips quiver as the hot slip of tears streamed down her cheeks. Before she could wipe them away herself, his hand rose to gently brush them from her skin. He held her gaze wordlessly, and she took a shaky, wet breath, feeling it catch uncomfortably in her throat. This time, she did not fight when he folded her against his chest, wrapping her in his warmth as he stroked her hair and she cried into a shirt that smelled like wet earth and hay. Instead, she shared it with him as she did all things.

She could never hate him. Not even if she wanted to.

#halo fanfic #halo tv show #riz 028 #vannak 134 #riz-028/vannak-134

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