lucygordonramsaythefirst

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

u want the wine?

I have to live with myself.

I have to. Endure.

I've done enough fucked up shit. The longer I live, the less of my own shit I can bear.

I have to live with my actions, my choices, how I react to people, how it affects people, AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL

HOW ALL THAT AFFECTS ME.

You think I'm just like...good for good's sake? That I'm somehow better than the next woman?

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

NO.

Not at all.

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

fear is something I understand intimately

but there is no peace

no reward in cowardice

did you think I was born brave? that it comes naturally or easily?

huh.

no. there's no fanfare and by the time it arrives, the applause is meaningless to you.

Bukowski knew.

he tried to teach you Chris.

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

seer

I understand why The Whole Picture was not revealed to me when I was a child...only the parts that would pique my curiosity and keep me seeking.

If I had known all of this back then, I surely would have balked.

I had to be trained and strengthened. Broken and reformed.

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

you see? I TOLD YOU. *SOB*

Comfort, comfort my people,     says your God. 2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,     and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed,     that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord’s hand     double for all her sins.

3 A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare     the way for the Lord[a]; make straight in the desert     a highway for our God.[b] 4 Every valley shall be raised up,     every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level,     the rugged places a plain. 5 And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,     and all people will see it together. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

6 A voice says, “Cry out.”     And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,     and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. 7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,     because the breath of the Lord blows on them.     Surely the people are grass. 8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,     but the word of our God endures forever.”

9 You who bring good news to Zion,     go up on a high mountain. You who bring good news to Jerusalem,[c]     lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid;     say to the towns of Judah,     “Here is your God!” 10 See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,     and he rules with a mighty arm. See, his reward is with him,     and his recompense accompanies him. 11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:     He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;     he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,     or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,     or weighed the mountains on the scales     and the hills in a balance? 13 Who can fathom the Spirit[d] of the Lord,     or instruct the Lord as his counselor? 14 Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,     and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge,     or showed him the path of understanding?

15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;     they are regarded as dust on the scales;     he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust. 16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,     nor its animals enough for burnt offerings. 17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;     they are regarded by him as worthless     and less than nothing.

18 With whom, then, will you compare God?     To what image will you liken him? 19 As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,     and a goldsmith overlays it with gold     and fashions silver chains for it. 20 A person too poor to present such an offering     selects wood that will not rot; they look for a skilled worker     to set up an idol that will not topple.

21 Do you not know?     Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning?     Have you not understood since the earth was founded? 22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,     and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,     and spreads them out like a tent to live in. 23 He brings princes to naught     and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. 24 No sooner are they planted,     no sooner are they sown,     no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither,     and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

25 “To whom will you compare me?     Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. 26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:     Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one     and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength,     not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you complain, Jacob?     Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord;     my cause is disregarded by my God”? 28 Do you not know?     Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,     the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,     and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary     and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary,     and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the Lord     will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;     they will run and not grow weary,     they will walk and not be faint.

Footnotes

Isaiah 40:3 Or A voice of one calling in the wilderness: / “Prepare the way for the Lord

Isaiah 40:3 Hebrew; Septuagint make straight the paths of our God

Isaiah 40:9 Or Zion, bringer of good news, / go up on a high mountain. / Jerusalem, bringer of good news

Isaiah 40:13 Or mind

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

i'm not built for this

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

can't flee can't run

Jonah and all that jazz

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

don't worry -- you won't be good all the time, even when you're trying

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

oh god i'm tired

wuz born tired i think

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

Tom Petty- I Won't Back Down

Brave as I know how to be -- because I give a fuck

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

It's not about hating your family. It's about recognizing their frailties and attempting to do better. It's what they would hope for you: THE BEST. That's all parents want for their children -- they just don't know how to give it or teach it.

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

I AM SPEAKING TRUTH TO YOU BECAUSE IT IS OBVIOUS NO ONE ELSE IS NO ONE ELSE HAS YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

Anna, you know how weak he is. You really wanna kill him just to get back at me ...at the world. For what? Existing? Being imperfect? Being difficult to navigate? Are you really lying to yourself that it's about love or his or your benefit? Take care of your child/ren. Stop destroying each other and everyone you come into contact with. Your actions ripple out and that child is a sponge. I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE. What did you think a generational curse is? Everything is magic. Everything is made of patterns that repeat and reproduce and jazz in ways we can't imagine. Don't believe the lie that "kids bounce back." They absorb all the energy and patterns. YOU OUTTA KNOW. LOOK HOW YOUR PARENTS FUCKED YOU UP.

[lucygordonramsaythefirst]

You really think it's funny to be soft? To feel the pain of others? You really think mercy is a joke? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? WHY WON'T YOU FIGHT BACK?!? YOU PRETEND YOU ARE SOME WEAKLING. YOU TELL YOURSELF THIS HATRED AND MOCKERY MAKES YOU HAPPY.

I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU.