lumine-no-hikari

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #576

I began today by playing lots of Valheim with J. With our equipment upgraded enough to defeat Eikthyr, the Black Forest is much less of a threat to us now. I tried to build a fish trap at our main base by the coast. But then I realized... I need core wood in order to build log beams of sufficient length to support the structure of the fish trap. Core wood is obtained by chopping down pine trees, and pine trees are found in the Black Forest. I figured if I'm gonna venture to the Black Forest, I might as well venture towards one that is at the foot of a mountain. That way, if I find a suitable copper deposit, the result of unearthing it will be a suitable pit in which to tame wolves. It's very convenient if said pit is already right next to the place where wolves spawn.

...So away I went. And I did not find any copper deposits. But I did find a stand of pine trees; I marked their location on the map, because... I need a bronze axe in order to chop them down, and in order to make a bronze axe, I need both copper and tin, in order to smelt copper bars and tin bars together into bronze. I also found a couple crypts in the Black Forest, and retrieved not only some Surtling Cores, but also an ample supply of bone with which to upgrade the weapons and armor that require it.

At around 10am, J needed to log into work. Still not quite sated with regards to wandering a world that is green and beautiful, I switched characters and worlds. I had intended to slay the serpents skulking around in the water at a certain area of the map, but my poor boat was some crazy distance away. So I made the long journey in my boat to the place where the serpents are. And along the way, I happened to find The Bog Witch's house:

...And inside, of course, is The Bog Witch and her trusty broom, Kvastur.

She's a Graydwarf who sells all kinds of things. Spice mixes to make feasts with. Alchemical ingredients to make potions with. And stuff of that sort. I'm VERY interested in the feast items. I'm eager to put them on a table. I gotta go back there with gold. I didn't have any on me at the time. But that's all right; I put a portal down near where her shop is; I'll be able to return there anytime, presumably with gold in my inventory.

...I much prefer trading to slaying. I wish the others weren't invariably hostile.

I moved on. And after a while, I finally made it to the place where serpents spawn; I knew where they were because I saw them on the map before; I marked their location.

...Just look at those impressive teeth...!!!

Serpents... do a lot of damage to boats. They do a lot of damage in general. But now, so do I, with my trusty bow:

...Their meat floats. But their scales sink. Next time, I have to harpoon one and drag it to shallower waters. Or else... I have to find a mod that lets me dive down to the bottom of the sea...

...A mod like this one, actually:

...Naturally, I went down an ENTIRE rabbit hole, looking at other mods. I found one that fixes the problem with combat on slopes; your weapon doesn't swing where it points, exactly; it basically just swings straight ahead, regardless of the circumstances. So if you try to use your spear on a slope and your enemy is below you, you will stab the air instead of your enemy, which is definitely not ideal. That mod fixes it.

I found one that lets you use the cultivator to plant berry bushes, mushrooms, and more:

I found one that adds lots more crops, like pumpkins and tomatoes:

I found one that makes the cultivator plant things more evenly:

I found another that increases the number of foods that can be cooked:

...Sephiroth, there are so many things. And... I'm pretty sure I can't get any of them if I still wanna play with J. Because J plays on a MacBook. I play on an ordinary Windows laptop. MacBooks generally... aren't compatible with stuff like modding. It's a wholly different operating system for a computer, and... it's one that generally does not allow its users to tinker with stuff.

...Oh well. Maybe it's for the better. As M aptly pointed out when I discovered that Valheim has mods: “Oh no; you're not going to play Valheim anymore because you'll be too busy playing 'Modding Valheim' instead!”

...He's... not wrong. I haven't played Skyrim in years because of this. I got into modding it, and... there are all these awesome mods I want (things like Frostfall and Hunterborn and Realistic Needs and Diseases are basically requirements for me now), but... getting the mods to play nice together is... an exercise in complication and frustration. And I have hundreds of mods, and each one has to be checked against each other one, and... it gets overwhelming quickly. So usually what happens is I get ambitious for a day or two, and then something goes wrong, and then I lose track of everything else, and I get discouraged and... stop altogether.

...Sigh...

Anyway. So I cooked the meat from the serpents I slew:

...And then it was time to go to Eggcellent. I wanted to introduce Atr to our friends Me and Kr, so that way Atr can attend the gathering that Me and Kr are hosting at their house. Reasonably, Me and Kr wanna meet in person any new people before inviting them to their home. I'm glad things lined up in a way that allows for it.

...I still gotta think of whatever kind of food I'm gonna bring, sheesh.

So, M dropped me off at Eggcellent. Atr, Me, and Kr were already there. And we all talked for a long time. Kr is very strong-willed and has very strong opinions about pretty much everything. And I tend to take things a little too literally, so... at one point, he said some things, and I ended up getting defensive and weird in his general direction, and... I ended up apologizing because I projected intentions onto his words that weren't there.

...It happens. We're human. Though... I'll keep working at making mistakes like those less often.

Eggcellent has a new drink now. This one is made with matcha, spirulina, coconut water, coconut jelly, and coconut pudding, if I remember correctly:

...And then we all went to my house. I wanted to share with them the moussaka I made. So J put some into a container for Atr, and then some more into another container for Me and Kr. Atr will eat his tomorrow for lunch. Me had theirs when they got home, and they seemed to like it, which I felt really happy in response to. I gave Me a link to the letter that contains the recipe. I hope they make good use of it... or else ask me questions about it if any of it is unclear.

I got this picture of a partial rainbow as J and I drove home:

...After everyone left, I breathed life into today's wishes for you:

...I think... pretty much everyone craves these. Even if they live in bodies that tell them that balance and stability in their environment is boring and unsafe. It's possible for a body to adjust such that its homeostasis point for stress hormones is set very high. So naturally, a deviation from the homeostasis point (even if it's less) will result in physical and mental discomfort. Only thing for it is to sit in that discomfort until a new homeostasis point is set. And that's really hard, because discomfort often produces stress hormones. Funky how that works, no...?

…

It's late. And I don't wanna go to bed. But I do wanna play Valheim with J again in the morning, and I have to get up early for that. I've been short on sleep lately. So I guess I'll stop writing here in favor of going to bed.

I love you so much, and... I wish you were here. Not for the scary fascism stuff that's happening, or for the climate change, or for the prejudices and stereotyping and late stage capitalism run amok; almost all of that is generational trauma manifesting as weird shit, and none of that is very fun at all. But I do want you around for the connections with others. For the yummy things to eat and drink. For healthy conflict. For watching the people around you learn and grow. For learning and growing, yourself. And for taking pretty pictures of rainbows.

...Sephiroth. As flawed and limited and sometimes painful as this life of mine is... I still wish you were here. Because it's still beautiful, and I want you to enjoy the nice parts next to me, and to support each other through the uncomfortable parts.

I'll write again tomorrow, okay? Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

It doesn’t typically occur to people to say all the good things they feel especially the things they take for granted which means that often you don’t get to hear all the small ways you are appreciated. But I promise, though you are not always told that you are doing a good job, it is true. The negative might stand out, but you are doing a good job in more ways than you are told.

[lumine-no-hikari]

reblog to remind prev they're not a bother and their presence is wanted <3

[lumine-no-hikari]

things that seem small can be really brave:

getting up in the morning

asking for help

stopping when you know you’ve pushed yourself too hard

admitting when you were in the wrong

forgiving yourself

making an effort even when you don’t have the motivation

reaching out to others when you feel alone

+ much more

[lumine-no-hikari]

Some days I feel like I’m doing good. It’s easier to function and cope. Like I can breathe without looking over my shoulder. It feels like the past isn’t choking me as hard anymore.

And then out of nowhere, I crash. A smell. A memory. A silence too loud. And I’m right back in it — shaking, doubting, tired of trying.

But here’s what I keep learning:

This is healing. It’s not a straight line. It’s not pretty. And it doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong just because it still hurts sometimes.

Healing isn’t always peace.

Sometimes it’s surviving the same storm with a little more self-compassion than last time.

If you’re in that place — backsliding, breaking, wondering if you’re actually healing at all —

You are not alone.

This messiness is part of the process. It’s normal to struggle. It’s normal to fall.

You’re still on the path. Your journey is still valid. And you’re going to be okay. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

[lumine-no-hikari]

genuinely wild to me when I go to someone's house and we watch TV or listen to music or something and there are ads. I haven't seen an ad in my home since 2005. what do you mean you haven't set up multiple layers of digital infrastructure to banish corporate messaging to oblivion before it manifests? listen, this is important. this is the 21st century version of carving sigils on the wall to deny entry to demons or wearing bells to ward off the Unseelie. come on give me your router admin password and I'll show you how to cast a protective spell of Get Thee Tae Fuck, Capital

[lumine-no-hikari]

part 2 of “i know this kind of love exists because i exist”:

i made an hour long video compilation of clips from a friend’s birthday so i could turn it into a knock off version of a “the office” episode. took hours to edit but it was worth it.

I KNOW THIS KIND OF LOVE EXISTS BECAUSE I EXIST

[lumine-no-hikari]

Sinéad O'Connor, from her book titled "Rememberings," originally published in June 2021

[lumine-no-hikari]

and it’s like. don’t get me wrong. i understand why it’s controversial to say that your boundaries WILL get crossed. like i get it. but listen. are you mythologizing sex? are you putting it on a pedestal where it is completely separate from other human actions? are there other social situations where you believe there is ZERO margin for error? if you genuinely believe that no mistakes or accidents ever happen during sex between consenting adults, i can only imagine you’ve never had sex, you don’t make your partners feel safe coming to you when they feel uncomfortable, or you have a fundamental misunderstanding of how boundaries work. it’s not that it’s GOOD or that we should NORMALIZE crossing boundaries, it’s that we recognize that human interaction is complicated and sometimes there’s stuff to work through rather than just burning it all down.

[lumine-no-hikari]

asking for clarity is so hot. communicate your concerns/confusions. ask questions. don’t let things get lost in translation.

[lumine-no-hikari]

[lumine-no-hikari]

It is not possible to think your way out of an interpersonal conflict or ambiguous social situation. The information that you require in order to move forward dwells inside of another person, and you literally cannot figure that out yourself, no matter how good at perception, pattern matching, fawning, making up scenarios in your head, preparing, or minimizing your feelings you are.

[lumine-no-hikari]

[lumine-no-hikari]

[lumine-no-hikari]

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to isolate myself before others could exclude me

[lumine-no-hikari]

we seriously need to stop conceding to the personhood trap when it comes to abortion rights. is a fetus a person? thats a spiritual question. i dont care about the answer. should another person dictate what someone can do with their body? simple answer: no.

[lumine-no-hikari]

there’s this extremely kind soul of a woman on instagram that makes accessible recipes that don’t require standing, chopping, or a stove and she might just have a permanent place in my heart