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[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #131

I tried to have a normal day today. And this time, it worked out quite nicely.

I brewed a nice tea today. This time, I combined my vanilla-rose black tea with the strawberry rooibos; of all the teas I have, I think you'd like these two the best. This one starts out a shade of amber:

...You will also see Mogwai on the windowsill, being very cute, as Mogwai is wont to do.

I'm really glad that I was able to figure out how to photograph the subtle swirling in the water as the tea brews; I think it's a really neat effect, and I'm glad that it's one that I get to witness as a result of the glass mug:

Once it brews for a while, both kinds of tea end up resolving into a shade of red:

...And you'll see that by this time, Hoshi has taken Mogwai's place on the windowsill, as Hoshi is wont to do. It's nice outside, so the windows are open today.

From here, we add the honey and cream; the swirls made by the cream were particularly mesmerizing today, and I'm glad I was able to snap a good picture of it for you this time:

...If nothing else, I really wish I could share this part of my day with you. I think you'd like it a lot if you could be here.

Once that was done, J and I took a short walk around where I live. I tried to take a few good pictures for you; it's not much - just some flowers and some ferns in various stages of sprouting, but I hope you'll like these:

After this, J and I watched some Zeta Project together, and that was very nice. And then shortly after that, I went to meet with a friend and her little son at the local nature discovery center. I haven't really had an excuse to go there in a while, so I took some more pictures, just in case there might have been anything you might like...

This is a tree that they just... have. The whole thing and its whole root system is visible for all to see; one of these pictures has a tiny chipmunk statue, if you look hard enough:

I also met two turtles. This one is a common musk turtle; it's very excited about something:

...This one is a painted turtle. This one was perhaps slightly more chill:

...I also found an adorable book full of owl stickers:

...I love owls (especially barn owls!) a lot, but I did not get them. I did not get them, because I cannot be trusted with stickers. Even if I were to put them somewhere, the fact remains that I'm dyspraxic; I WILL put it on wrong, and I will be instantly filled with regret as a result, and then I will try to fix it, and end up destroying the sticker in the process (it's really very sad). And that's even if I make it far enough to the point where I can decide conclusively what I wanna put it on.

Hey, Sephiroth? Do you like stickers? Have you ever had stickers? If you had stickers, what would you get stickers of? And where would you put them? I wonder.

I did, however, get a cardinal plush that I found in the gift shop, in honor of our recently-passed feathered friend, as written about in yesterday's letter. If you squeeze this plush, it makes cardinal sounds:

...Maybe, at least in spirit, the one that died in my hands can live at my house if he wants to, where he can sing to his heart's content without worrying about his safety. My house is a good house; I hope he'd be able to feel the love and joy that permeates this space.

Finally, after that, J and I went to the local food co-op in order to hang with Br. There's a lounge space there and tasty food; so Br was over there doing her homework. It was pretty neat to hang out! J got some kind of hibiscus drink that smelled kind of like cinnamon. For whatever reason, hibiscus and cinnamon are, so far, my least favorite food smells. I don't know why. I know I should like them. I wish I did like them. Alas.

So of course, this meant I had to try it. I'm a little weird like that; sometimes I'll try things that I know I won't like, just for the sake of having the experience, especially if it's a thing that most people enjoy. Or sometimes I'll try things I know I hate, just because I know that my tastes do occasionally change. J felt it necessary to record the whole thing, and it was pretty funny. So here, maybe this will make you laugh:

Oh right. From the co-op, I got all the ingredients I need to make an epic breakfast, and a bunch of other tasty treats, too. I didn't take pictures of it though, because I wanted to leave it as a surprise and make it for you tomorrow! So look forward to it, okay?

...The last bunch of days have been really weird. So today I tried to have a normal day, and I succeeded.

This is all I have for today. It's nothing inspiring or insightful or profound, and... I think I'm pretty relieved about that, actually.

I love you. I'll write all about a good breakfast tomorrow, so please stay safe so you can read about it, okay?

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #130

I made a tea today. This time, it was jasmine green tea. I got some pictures for you.

The jasmine green tea starts out a shade of green, like this:

If you look closely, you can see the tea steeping into the water. I took a picture to try to show you; maybe you can see all the squiggly lines:

It resolves into a lovely shade of amber after a while. Then you can add your honey and cream. You can also witness two of my cats staring out the window:

...But once again, I am not writing about tea. I imagine if you don't want to be sad, you should stop reading here.

8 days ago, some kind of sparrow died in my hands - likely a female song sparrow. Today, it was a male cardinal:

J and I were on our way to Taiwan Noodle because he had just gotten done with practicing in the airplane that belongs to the airplane club he's in. We were in the car, and I noticed a cardinal flopping around on the road, near the sidewalk. I asked J to pull over and he did, though it took a minute because J mistook him for a piece of garbage fluttering in the wind generated by the cars at first, since the bird was bending himself at weird angles.

...I think probably he was doing what lots of birds here like to do - flying low to the road and playing chicken with passing cars. I imagine he got clipped someone's windshield or side view mirror; there's a REASON I am not showing the right side of his head, and I'm not going to get into it.

The bird stopped flopping around as soon as I picked him up off the asphalt. I held him in my hands as we got in the car; I didn't have a box to put him in. He kept trying to blink and turn his head; given that half of it was basically gone, I don't know how he was still even conscious.

I asked J to bring us to The Animal Hospital; they treat wild creatures. I knew he wasn't going to make it from the start (suppose this is why I didn't cry nearly so hard this time as compared to last time; I was under no illusion that he'd live), but I didn't know how long he might end up being in pain before his last breath, so I figured the thing to do was to bring him to where he could be examined and euthanized. So we went.

He didn't make it; we were further away from the place - roughly 15 minutes, as opposed to the 10 minutes from my house. We were about 5 minutes from the place when he went limp and stopped breathing.

...I have to remember that even if all I could do was give him a soft, warm, loving hand to be held in instead of dying alone on the hard asphalt with all the cars rushing past... I still did a good thing. Even if I couldn't save him, I still allowed for his last moments to be gentler than they would have otherwise been.

I felt so angry at all of the people walking right past him on the sidewalk. I saw at least a few people look at him and just keep walking, like he wasn't anything worth stopping for. I can't understand how it is that nobody cared. I can't understand why nobody else tried to help. I can't understand it. All of those people rushing past, and nobody did anything. Goodness knows how long he was lying on the road like that, struggling, gasping, terrified, and writhing in pain.

...I don't want to think about it.

Though he was gone before we reached The Animal Hospital, we still went there. Some of his blood had gotten on my hands, and I urgently needed to wash them because of that. The Animal Hospital has trails, so with the permission of the person at the front desk, I gathered up whatever flowers I could find on the property, and set off to find a peaceful place for him to rest. I found one, under a bendy tree, some distance from the trail:

...And just like before, I thanked him for his presence and for his song in our world, even if it was for too short a time. I hope the soul that inhabited this vessel is doing okay. I know that one way or another, the empty body left behind will return to the soil. The cycle of life will continue. I just hope, if only for a moment, the creature could feel seen, loved, warm, and cared about. I returned to The Animal Hospital, and they directed me to a bathroom; I thoroughly washed my hands, and then applied the hand sanitizer that was available there, just for good measure. Blood is a biohazard, after all.

...Sephiroth. A lot of really difficult, sad, and scary things have happened over the last 8 days, and I am, at least for the moment, struggling a lot and feeling very fragile. It's not like me to ask for help, I know. Normally, I would tell you something like, "don't you worry your pretty little head about me; i'll be fine", but... you know. If you wanted to pop by today and watch The Zeta Project with me while eating ice cream and drinking tea, I certainly wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind at all. You wouldn't even have to do anything. Although, if you said to me, "this ice cream is pretty good," or "this show is very wholesome," or "may I please have more of this wonderful tea," that'd certainly be a nice bonus. It'd be a very nice bonus, indeed.

...Impossible, I know. It's okay. Don't worry about it; I was just being silly, hahaha.

...I'm not really sure why, because I was fine before. But at this moment, I can't seem to stop crying. Oh well. I'll be okay; I just need a sec...

Anyway. J and I continued on to Taiwan Noodle. Though the loss of the bird is very sad, it is still true that J was brave and got back in the airplane today, and I needed to eat, so... we went. We got lots of yummy things, and I took pictures for you, just in case you might like them...

Spicy pork wontons:

...These really aren't that spicy, which is very good because my body cannot handle capsaicin very well.

Pork soup dumplings:

These are my favorite; you can tell because I ate one before I thought to snap a picture for you - sorry about that. I love to put the vinegar on them. The ginger in the vinegar tastes good, too.

This is a roasted pork bun:

J got some kind of curry thing:

...And I got a sausage, pork belly, and steamed rice thing:

Still feeling somewhat listless, I wove together a little dragonfly out of straw wrappers and my chopsticks wrapper:

...Not really sure why I did that. I guess it was just because I was full, but J wasn't quite ready to go yet, and I needed something to do with my hands...

J needed pants, so after we ate, we went to a local thrift shop to find some. He found some. And I found a very pretty shirt; maybe I'll wear it tomorrow and take a picture.

When we got home, the area near out welcome mat, just outside the front door, had a couple blossoms lying there. Without thinking, I picked them up and brought them inside:

...I hope the cardinal is doing okay, wherever he is now.

Hey, Sephiroth? I'm pretty tired, and it's getting to be later in the evening, so... I'm going to watch The Zeta Project. And drink tea. And maybe have a little ice cream.

Please stay safe, okay? I can recover from the loss of the bird, but... I don't think I'll fare so hot if I end up losing you, understand? So please promise me you won't let anything bad happen to you, alright? Don't do something foolish like go where predators are or play chicken with cars, or anything metaphorically similar. Please. If I have to get on my hand and knees and beg you not to do stuff like that, I will. Please make good, gentle, compassionate choices, both with yourself and with other people. Promise?

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

This thing!

"I know why you did the thing" does NOT mean "it's okay you did the thing", and it does NOT mean "the thing you did is justifiable".

It CAN, however, mean, "I have faith in your capacity to choose differently" and "I am willing to teach you how to choose differently".

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A post shared by Vanessa Brisolla | Inner Healing Mentor & Cycle Breaker (@vanessa.brisolla)

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #129

I'm home. We got in at about 10:15pm. It took some time to get everything unpacked and squared away. I also got ready for bed; it's 11:30pm now.

Suppose I can show you pictures of the plane now. I was just asked to keep the identifying number out of it. So here you go:

...Just beyond those trees is a small dropoff and a river.

...It's actually kind of miraculous that the trees held, I guess. Or so the FAA agent said. He also said that it was kind of miraculous that the plane didn't flip over; apparently, for this type, that can happen if you hit the brakes too hard.

To have walked away from something like this without so much as a scratch... it's an astounding stroke of luck, according to the FAA guy and the airport owner. I also like to think that it is testament to J's skill; pilots are given training not just to avoid mistakes, but also to know what to do when mistakes inevitably occur. Humans are human, and humans make mistakes. There's really no avoiding it; there's only handling it when it happens.

The owner of the airport, who is also an experienced pilot, says likely what happened was a ground loop of some kind. That's when the tail wheel does a weird spinning thing when you try to land the aircraft. It doesn't help that the left wing had a bit more fuel in it than the other (which is likely part of the reason it pulled to the left upon landing). I'm not sure how it can be that the left wing had more fuel in it than the right, since the aircraft was set to consume fuel from both wings.

The person from the FAA is not our enemy. It's his job figure out what went wrong, and then use that knowledge to help keep pilots safe. So we gave him all the details we could. Hopefully something good will come of it.

On the bright side of all this, I got to meet a bunch of really awesome people with amazing life stories, and I had the good privilege of listening to them talk for a while about the things they've seen, done, and experienced. I do wish I could have met these folks under better circumstances. They were kind to us even though they all could have justifiably been super duper cranky at J about the whole thing. I guess they were all super stoked that we walked away alive and with all our limbs and organs intact.

...At one point, before it was clear that we would be okay, I thought something kinda like, "ohp, guess this is it; wonder if I'm gonna end up maybe meeting the guy I keep writing all these weird letters to... suppose it was a pretty good run though; 34 years with lots of weird and amazing stories ain't half bad." This thought probably didn't scare me as much as it should have. I'm not really sure what to make of that. Maybe I don't have to make anything of it at all. Maybe I'm still just a bit addled from all the adrenaline.

When we arrived at the airport this morning, the airport owner and his lovely friend made us coffee. In the room where the coffee was prepared, there was a painting that changes as you walk past it. It was gorgeous, and thought you might like it, so I snapped a few pictures:

...I was a little sad that it didn't seem to have an autumn version. But it was still very, very good.

You know. If things had proceeded as expected, we never would have had a chance to meet these people, or see this painting. We never would have had one of the emergency response folks tell us about an amazing local Italian restaurant, and we wouldn't have gone to it to get amazing food. It's important to fully feel the scary feelings and mourn appropriately in order to get the feelings out of our bodies. But it's also important to find the small sparks of joy and opportunity, even when the going gets rough, I think. Otherwise, in a world like mine that has back-to-back crises on a regular basis (seriously, we are globally connected, so it never stops), you'll end up losing your damn mind.

...Ahah... my mother would tell me that first, I have to have a mind to lose. But I don't have to heed such nasty talk. I have a good mind, I think, even if it is, by all accounts, a little quirky and hard to understand.

Anyway. There was a conference room in which we were interviewed by the guy from the FAA. And in it, appropriately, there was this picture:

...Kinda interesting, no? And appropriate for the situation, I suppose. J is going to go back out first thing tomorrow morning with a flight instructor. I have mixed feelings about this; on the one hand, I'm glad to see that he's undeterred and eager to try again, but on the other hand, I wish he'd give it at least a few days for the adrenaline to fully clear from his body and to recover from what happened. But I am not in control of him; he must be free to make his own choices. All I can do is make suggestions, and then support him in whatever choice he makes.

In any case, today the plane was pulled out of the trees and put in the hangar. Like I said, it's pretty banged up:

It has insurance, but given the damage, it's not unlikely that the insurance company will decide to have it scrapped. I guess we'll see how it goes.

M drove all the way from our house to the airport to pick us up. Thank goodness he was home, holding the fort. Thank goodness for that, and for his willingness to come grab us, and for the fact that he was happy to see us instead of angry about the inconvenience. He's not the kind of person who would get angry about the inconvenience, but I've met plenty of others who are very much not like him in that regard, good grief.

The three of us, M, J, and I, went to the Italian place that was spoken about. I dunno if it's because I was primarily running on hotel breakfast food and junk food, but I thought the food there was AMAZING. We got these garlic bread bites, and a pizza, and some lasagna. I wonder if you'd like any of these:

...Can't help but wonder... Sephiroth, what do you like on a pizza, anyway? I tend to like mushrooms and garlic best, but I like a bunch of other stuff, too, as long as it's not olives or pineapples or anything with capsaicin.

We listened to music on the way home; it was a 2 and a half hour drive, or thereabouts. M put on some Protomen; I wonder if you'd like their stuff:

...I wonder how much of this music you'd find relatable...

Hey, Sephiroth? I think I might be a bit too tired today to have anything profound or anything of significant insight to write about. Mostly I'm just glad I get to clunk around in my meat-mech for a little while longer; I like to think that maybe something good can come of me being here, even if I don't know what it is yet. I might be strange and unusual, and being myself is a pretty lonely experience almost all the time. But I think maybe there are folks I can help, and maybe that's reason enough to keep moving forward.

Hey, Sephiroth? I know you've made a lot of mistakes, but I hope that you understand that something very good has come about from you being here. I'm here because you're here, you know. Your existence gives me the strength to carry on even when really weird things happen. Your kindness and gentleness are what inspired me to become someone who is both soft and resilient. And I'm sure you've inspired millions of other people in my world in a similar way. So... please don't ever think your existence is a bad thing, okay? Because you are a good thing. You are a good thing. You are a good thing. And with that knowledge, please keep moving forward, as best as you can. I'll be cheering for you to do kind, gentle, and loving things.

I love you so much; you really have no idea. So please stay safe out there, okay? I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

I got this one:

Why type of Soul do you Have?

Tormented Soul.

You have acquired the Tormented soul. you know too much and you're asking where you can put it all down. burdened by knowledge. you make friends in hopes that one day you will be free from the past. nipping at your heels like a hound on the hunt for blood. you so desperately wish to shed your skin and start anew. red raw pulsating flesh stinging in the exposed air. it almost feels good to hurt. its familiar and addicting. but you can't live like this forever. not even for a long time. these things. this loneliness, this hurt and burden will catch up to you. it will turn you into a beast. into the very beast that hunted you. revenge will turn you into the very thing you despise. and when that happens people will no longer be able to tell the difference and put you in the same category. and is that what you want? learn the balance between stroking the soft animal of moving on and yearning for the sweet essence of revenge. it's not always worth it. you share a soul type with August, Ragnvaldr and Ron Chambara.

Tagged by: @thekingofdemons, a cherished scoundrel

Tagging: @acrxmxnal @pure-patissiere @blackmouthdog @daydreamingtetch @edweird-nashton

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #128

So… I have good news and bad news!

I will start with the good news! J and I are not dead! We're not even slightly injured! Yay!

The bad news is that the plane is pretty ah… pretty banged up. It's not totaled or anything; it's definitely repairable and J has insurance for it, so it's really not the end of the world. I can't show you any pictures yet, because J asked me not to (something about legality and insurance???), but I have them. Maybe I'll post them up tomorrow.

As for what happened... to my inexperienced eyes, it looked like J was going in for a landing. We've done this like a million times before; it was going as per usual. Until it wasn't. For reasons I don't understand, the plane started veering to the left and leaving the runway, and J couldn't get it to stop doing that, also for reasons I don't understand.

A bunch of rapid-fire decisions were made in order to avoid colliding into buildings or into other vehicles. He tried to get the plane to go back into the sky, but it wouldn't go up; it remained on the ground. So then he aimed it towards open spaces. When it still wouldn't stop, he aimed for the treeline.

Fortunately, by the time we reached the trees, the plane had slowed down a decent amount, and the trees were young and still relatively bendy and forgiving. J also thought to get a special harness for the seatbelt to go over our shoulder and chest beforehand, and it was a really good call for him to have made; planes come equipped only with little lap belts, and if we had just stuck with that instead of getting the harness, we might have ended up being thrown forward and mashing our heads on the controls.

In the end, for us, it just felt like if you're in a car and you slam on the brakes suddenly. We were rocked and shaken, but not in any way injured. Because J saw to our safety ahead of time and was able to make good decisions even when the shit hit the fan, we lived. Stuff like this isn't normally something people get to walk away from unscathed.

It was an amazing combination of luck, prior planning, and skill on J's part that allowed us to remain unharmed. My faith in J and his ability to pilot a plane has not wavered. In fact, if anything, I trust him even more than I did before; now I am certain that if something unexpected happens, he can STILL keep us safe, because I just got done watching him do it, and the way he handled it was AMAZING. I couldn't be more proud of him!

A short while later, a bunch of police folks and some firefighters showed up, as well as some staff from the airport to make sure we were okay. It was a lot of people in our vicinity generally, and it was a lot to deal with, but I dealt with it on my own until J was able to emotionally recover enough deal with it; understandably, he was shaken far worse than I was. But we got it sorted out. Answered some questions. J filled out some insurance form. People gave us lots of kindness and reassurance along the way. The manager of the airport drove us to a nearby hotel. All things considered, everything is fine.

Of course, we're still very shaken. Both of us had a fuckton of adrenaline surge through our bodies. My hands are still shaking and my chest is tight and trembling as I write this. But we're okay, so don't worry. It's just adrenaline, and adrenaline can't hurt us by itself.

So... we're not home yet. We're at some other place because we thought it prudent to stop the plane to get gas. We're about 2 hours away from home by car. And what's more, we have to stay overnight here in order to deal with insurance stuff in the morning. Then I suppose we'll ask M or Br or both to come fetch us from here.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but whatever it is, I'm sure we'll figure it out. Even for big scary stuff like this, the solution, ultimately, is to just take things one step at a time.

On the bright side, I was able to snag you a bunch of really great pictures today! I love taking pictures of beautiful things for you, and I love showing you my world! Here, please enjoy these extra, because they were hard-won, and also because if things had turned out differently than they did, I might never have gotten a chance to share these with you, and that would have been sad, because I DID A GOOD JOB WITH THESE:

...I love my planet. I hope that if I show you enough pictures of it, maybe you could like it, too. I certainly love yours. And I love you, too, just in case you forgot. But I hope you don't forget, because part of the whole reason I write these letters is so that you can remember that you are loved by someone, somewhere, not for what you look like or for what you can do, but for who you are as a human being.

Oh, oh, oh!! And!! Today!! In the hangar before we left! J and the flight instructor practiced landing and flying and taking off for 2 or 3 hours before we headed home. So I chilled in the hangar with music by myself, and these two old men came in, and one of them spoke to me for some reason, which wasn't bad. But! I had my earphones in, so I had to ask him to pardon me and repeat himself.

Well, he was all like, "Yeah, get those things out of your ears!" in the same way that cranky old men generally like to do when people younger than them use technology. And you know? The version of me who existed prior to the letters I wrote to myself probably would have cowered and said, "I'm sorry sir."

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I DID TODAY!!! 🤩🤩🤩

Instead, I looked at him square in the face and said, "Excuse me, but I'm an adult human woman and you don't get to tell me what to do. Would you like to try again?" And!! Oh!! Sephiroth!!! I think he expected me to be all meek and submissive, because the shocked "Oh fuck!" look on his face was ABSOLUTELY!! PRICELESS!! And he spluttered for a bit before finally introducing himself properly! I was really glad that he tried again. But I think he was a bit too embarrassed about how rude he was before to interact with me much further than that; I'm not too sad about that, though.

...I wonder if you'd be proud of me. I mean... if you could read any of this, and if you've been able to read any of the stuff I've written so far. I wonder if you could see how much I've been learning and growing and trying to get out from under the oppressive thumb of the memories I carry. I wonder if you'd be proud. And I wonder if you'd use my growth as inspiration for your own.

I'm pretty tired, so I think I'm going to stop writing now.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Human beings are fundamentally good.

some loser: humans are innately selfish creatures

my psych book:

[lumine-no-hikari]

but I always thought you were cool

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #127

It's late where I live - almost midnight, and I'm very tired. J and I are on another road trip to PA. This time, he and I are going to fly the plane he got back home. After his shift at work, we drove for 4 hours to a place called Buffalo. We will drive the rest of the way to a place called Zelienople in the morning. Then we will fly back; J will be piloting the plane, of course. J is not yet used to flying this plane, but it's very similar to the one that he already knows well; he knows what he's doing, and I trust, without question or hesitation, that he will keep us safe. I'll be back in my house by this time tomorrow with LOTS of pictures to show you, so don't you worry about a thing, okay?

Br came over and I introduced her to the chocolate-cheddar cheese I got when we went to see the eclipse (it tastes like fudge; it's SO GOOD!), and that was pretty great! But I'm still pretty tired because I spent most of the day before the trip being emotional support for various folks. Some of the interactions challenged my boundary skills, but this is a good thing; we don't grow without some level of discomfort, and our boundary skills never improve if we don't get practice. I'm much better at it now than I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing where I'll be with this skill in another few years.

Since writing the letter to my inner child, I've had a lot more faith in my own ability to grow, change, and improve. It's kind of refreshing, actually. Self-loathing is kind of heavy, isn't it? I know I'll probably have days when I'll get a setback, but I've already grown enough in other ways to be very familiar with that phenomenon. One of the most important things one must remember when having a setback is that having a setback, in and of itself, means that there has been progress, and progress can be reproduced over and over and over again until it sticks. Human brains are learning machines, after all. I hope you'll put all the effort you can into learning how to genuinely love and care for yourself; it's one of the most important things you can do.

Oh! I made myself a strawberry rooibos tea today, too! Normally I like to drink black tea or green tea, but today I wanted to limit my caffeine consumption somewhat; caffeine dehydrates a body, and I've been struggling to keep hydrated lately for some reason; figured the thing to do, at least for today, is to try not to make my body use water to cleanse the caffeine from my system. Here's how today's turned out...

This one starts out orange-ish, and then resolves into a lovely shade of red:

I added some creamed honey; it settles to the bottom quite nicely:

And from there, I added heavy cream:

...I think you might like this flavor. It's like strawberries and cream; it's sweet and tart and very milky in flavor. Sometimes I think about combining this one with the vanilla-rose black tea (which is another one I think you'd absolutely love). I'll do that soon and tell you all about it, okay?

I don't have much else to say today; I'm pretty drained. But I do have a lot of pictures I took for you while we drove, simply because I know you like nature. I'll show you the ones that turned out best. It'll be mostly pictures of the sky, though; we didn't get moving until like 6pm-ish, so the lighting wasn't great for general scenery...

...Hey Sephiroth? Next time you're up in the sky, I hope you'll make it a point to dance merrily amongst the sun-drenched clouds - especially during dawn or during sunset, when they're painted in all sorts of vibrant colors; their kaleidoscopic brilliance would look amazing reflected off of you, I'm sure. And maybe you'd have fun, too.

That's all I've got for you today. Thanks for tagging along with me on this brief adventure. Please remember that there are folks here who like to imagine that the prismatic colors splashed upon the clouds by the morning and evening sun are the same as the ones that radiate from the deepest parts of your soul.

I love you. I'll write again soon. Please stay safe out there.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Oh! Nifty!!

Here is mine:

@heavenhistoria, @heraldofcrow, @anusharao96, @bootshivers, @brandywine1369, @centzon, @dragoninthelabratory, @weirdbanana, do you know your MBTI type? Does this seem like a fun activity to any of you? There's no pressure to participate, of course.

If you don't know your MBTI type, you can find out here:

Starting another tag game once again mbti version

*if you don't know your mbti you can just choose the one that matches you the most!

Tagging - @slytherinshua , @blue-jisungs , @seokminded , @mangocustard16 , @aaniag , @addicsvt , @etherealyoungk , @eternalgyu , @welcometomyoasis , @weird-bookworm , @fairyhaos , @wheeboo , @seuonji , @kkooongie , + everyone else who wants to join!!!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #126

I made a tea today before heading to therapy. Today's session was extremely productive, and I can't wait to share it with you in hopes that you'll also be able to use what I've learned. But first, I will show you today's tea, because in it is the final ice cream I got from the co-op...

I started with chai:

This one is red and somewhat opaque from all the spices that are in it:

...And this is the ice cream I intended to use in it:

...I'm like you in that I very much enjoy pumpkin; it's one of my favorite foods. And it's AMAZING in ice cream. Given that we know you enjoy pumpkin soup, I think you would REALLY enjoy this flavor. It's part of why I saved this one for last; it's the best one!

I filled the tea with scoops of this ice cream:

Once it melted, I stirred it up:

...The result was fantastic, and once again, I have concocted a delectable mug of tea that I very much wish I could share with you.

My therapist was very pleased with the results of my homework. He read the letters I exchanged between myself and my inner child. We then began going over ways of rebuilding my relationship with my inner child. We started with learning how to rebuild secure attachment.

Oh right. Hey, Sephiroth? Did they ever teach you about attachment theory over at Shinra? I can't imagine they did, because otherwise, you would have realized A LOT sooner that the way you were raised was utter fucking bullshit. Maybe you've since learned about it during your time at the Edge of Creation, but I'll explain it anyway; it's always good to have a refresher. But it might be kind of a dry or dull subject for you, so I'll break it up with the pictures I snapped for you during the walk I took after therapy; walking is good for the post-processing of newly-learned things.

Attachment theory refers to the integrity of the bond between a child and its primary caregiver(s). I have a degree in this sort of stuff, and I'm fairly well-versed in it, especially regarding how it relates to trauma. Bonding with a primary caregiver is one of the most fundamental human needs, and the shape that this bond takes ends up influencing how the child bonds with other people throughout their life. There are four main attachment styles. I'll explain them:

Secure Attachment is when the child is able to fully trust that their caregiver(s) will respond to their needs and keep them safe. These children are able to focus their energy on exploring the world around them. They are relatively friendly with strangers. They typically get sad if their primary caregiver leaves the area unexpectedly, and is happy to see them return. This attachment style is best conducive to a child's mental health and ability to learn.

In order for secure attachment to occur, the child between 0 and 3 years of age REQUIRES on-demand caregiving; the primary caregiver(s) are supposed to respond immediately to the child, with love, warmth, attunement, comfort, and appropriate actions literally every single time the child expresses a need. Babies are not born knowing what their body signals mean; a tired baby cries when it's tired instead of sleeping because it does not yet know that the feeling of being tired means it needs to sleep. A hungry baby cries instead of eating because it does not yet know that the feeling of being hungry means it needs to eat. And these are just a few examples.

Contrary to popular belief (seriously, my father calls babies "turd factories", just to give you an idea of how common it is in my world to have contempt and a dismissive attitude towards human children), human babies are more than just a digestive system that sleeps sometimes. Babies have emotions as well, and so they'll cry when they feel lonely, angry, scared, or sad. They'll cry when they need to be held (because YES, gentle, loving, platonic touch is a BASIC HUMAN NEED; adults typically experience hormonal disruption and very young babies WILL LITERALLY DIE if they don't get this). They'll also cry if they're sick, if they're in pain, if they're too warm or cold, or if they're in sensory overload.

And this is NORMAL and HEALTHY; humans are born with the capacity to ask for help when they're struggling, and being new to being human is its own very special kind of hell for a variety of complicated reasons that deserves to have its own book. For many very compelling reasons, being a human baby is basically torture. If you want a more detailed explanation as to why that's the case, then I can explain it in another letter; just let me know. For now, just take my word on it.

Anyway, the only thing that can teach baby what their body signals mean is the repetition of prompt and accurate routine care; baby learns hungry means it needs food only after MANY repetitions of the caregiver responding promptly, warmly, and lovingly to its hunger with age-appropriate food. Baby learns that tired means it needs sleep only after MANY repetitions of the caregiver promptly and lovingly soothing the baby to sleep. And this takes a lot of time and patience, because human babies are not born with all of the brain hardware that they need in order to learn or to make memories efficiently; all of that stuff is still growing in. To be sure, humans could use at least another 9 months in the womb; we are born premature compared to most of the rest of the animal kingdom. But if we had another 9 months, our skulls would be too large, and we'd tear our mothers in half on the way out. So this is how it is.

Babies from 0-3 years old are NOT equipped to deal with discomfort without thinking that their life is in danger, and no amount of "trying to teach them to self-soothe" by leaving them on their own to "cry it out" (this is a MYTH!!! doing this causes LITERAL BRAIN DAMAGE as the baby's body is flooded with neurotoxic levels of adrenaline and cortisol!!!) will make the brain hardware required for self-regulation grow in faster; in fact, doing this will slow this process down. The child under age 3 who becomes quiet after being left to cry is not quiet because it has "learned to self-soothe"; it is quiet because it is SO STRESSED OUT that its body and emotions have basically shut down. This is called "dissociation", and if baby is forced to do this too often, it fucks up their mental health later, when they become adolescents, teenagers, and adults.

Unfortunately, there is a pervasive myth in my world, which tells parents that responding to their under-3-year-old child when they cry will cause their child to become spoiled and manipulative. As a result of this, secure attachment with a primary caregiver is relatively rare where I live. Almost everyone in my world is traumatized, in some form or another. And people just go around pretending like it's normal and necessary and even correct. There are reasons for this, but they'd take too long to explain; maybe I'll get into it some other time.

Next, we have Insecure Attachment. There are three main types of this:

The first one I'll explain is Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregivers' responses to their child are unpredictable or inconsistent. Such children do not explore very much, because they are too busy being afraid that their primary caregiver might not be there for them if something weird happens. They are wary of strangers. When the primary caregiver leaves unexpectedly, these children are extremely distressed, only to return to being neutral when the caregiver returns. Inconsistent responses to the baby's needs produces a fear of being abandoned, which manifests as vigilantly focusing on maintaining their connection with their caregiver while the caregiver is present, and terror and anger when the caregiver is absent.

Next, there's Avoidant Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregiver consistently denies the child of their attention when they need help. Such children do not explore, do not interact with strangers, do not express emotion if the caregiver leaves unexpectedly, and do not express emotion when the caregiver returns. This is a child that has learned that their needs do not matter to their primary caregiver. This child expects to be rejected and ignored. This child wishes for closeness with their caregiver, but knows they will not receive it, and knows that expressing distress about it is a waste of energy, so the safest thing for them to do is to maintain vague proximity to the caregiver so as to avoid the disappointment that comes with knowing that its needs do not matter to them.

Finally, there is Disorganized Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregiver abuses the child. These children will display a lot of very contradictory and disorganized behaviors (hence the name) in response to the environment, to strangers, and to the primary caregiver. Children such as these are accustomed to being screamed at, shaken, or hit as a result of expressing or having needs, or even just as a result of existing. These are children who have learned that anything they do might provoke their primary caregiver's wrath, and the contradictory behaviors are the result of not knowing what they should do to prevent that wrath. The resulting adult, if left untreated, will swing wildly between being ice cold and anxiously clingy.

I'll give you four guesses as to which of these categories I fit into. Hahaha…

What I learned today in therapy was that some guy whose name I forgot worked with a bunch of severely abused children, and came up with a way to guide them back to having a secure attachment style, despite the horrors they've been through before. It's a system called The 5 Pillars of Attachment. My therapist even gave me a handy-dandy picture to reference:

Felt Safety was explained to me as a culmination of the other four pillars. This is when you understand that you are protected and loved, that someone will have your back if something weird happens. It is the knowledge that the people around you are worthy of being counted on, without them trying to hurt, abandon, or ignore you.

Attunement relates to being understood. This is the part where the other person understands you when you speak, tries to empathize with your emotions and experiences, and makes genuine effort to know you deeply.

Support When Dysregulated relates to not being rejected by the other person when you can't always keep yourself together. It is knowing that someone will try to help you, to soothe you, and to comfort you if you're struggling.

Expressed Delight relates to the other person being genuinely joyful about the fact that you exist, and being willing to express that joy on a regular basis. This joy needs to be about who you are, and not about what you look like or what you can do. It is about the other person expressing delight towards your entire being, not just when you're well-regulated, excelling at something, or being convenient.

Support for Autonomy refers to how much room the other person gives you to explore, to try new things, to pursue your own interests, to succeed, to fail, and to make your own choices. This person should act as a safety net if you fall down.

…You've never been given any of these. And, up until meeting M, neither have I. But I know these things well. I know them because I do whatever I can to give these things to other people - anyone other than myself. The part where I don't give these things to myself is the part that I have to change. I think you know these things well, too; I've seen the way you treated Zack, Genesis, and Angeal. All you have to do is treat yourself with the same tenderness and care with which you treated them in the past.

I will never receive these things from my biological family. It's not because they're bad people, but rather, it's because their life experiences have left them without the necessary skills to provide any of these things for anyone else, without a beliefs system that would allow them to develop these skills, and without a framework that would allow them to change their beliefs. If you believe, for example, that only bad people ever make mistakes, then it becomes really hard to own up to your mistakes, and from there it becomes nearly impossible to change your behaviors in the future.

But I can rebuild my relationship with myself by giving myself the things outlined in these 5 pillars. I can change how I treat myself. I can decide what my new narrative will be when I think about the kind of treatment I deserve to receive from myself.

…You can do this, too. You can change what you believe about yourself. You can change how you view yourself. You can change how you interact with yourself. You can change the way you care for and treat yourself. You can change it! Sephiroth, you're a lot smarter, a lot more capable, and a lot more mentally flexible than I could ever even begin to hope to be! Sephiroth, if I, a derpy autistic chick from a backwater planet in some garden-variety galaxy can do this work, then someone as kind, gentle, intelligent, dedicated, and brave as you can certainly do this work! You can decide, today, right here, and right now, that you are worthy of your own love!

So come on; get to it, willya? We can figure it out together! And if you run into trouble, you can take my outstretched hand, and I'll do whatever I can to help you! We are more than our traumas and mistakes! Sephiroth, you are more than your traumas and mistakes! You are more than the composition of your body! You are more than what you can do! Sephiroth, the most beautiful aspects of who you are have always had their basis in things like the ways you marvel at nature, in the caring and considerate way you treated your friends and the people around you, in your love for other people, which was so strong at one point that you chose to spend years doing what you thought was right in order to protect them, despite the suffering you endured at their very same hands. Sephiroth, you're a beautiful human being on the inside! You deserve so much more and so much better than what you've been giving to yourself! You deserve to feel seen, understood, safe, supported, adored, and free! Like any human being, you deserve to have good and wholesome things! And you can have them! All you have to do is take a single step in a different direction, and then keep doing that until your whole outlook changes!

Please. Please look at me. Look at me, because I am doing this same work. I am doing it every day, no matter how difficult it is, and no matter how much it hurts. Please look at me so you can see that anything is possible. Sephiroth, you are capable of so much more than I am, because I am one of the weaker examples of a human being; you have the capacity to shine so much more brightly than I can. So please look at me as proof that you can do this work, too. Please try. Sephiroth, you can do it! I believe in you!

...And that's all I've got for today. I know it was a lot; thank you for bearing with me.

I love you. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #125

I'm still in a lot of pain today, but it's not quite as bad as it was yesterday. It's still a little hard to breathe, but I'm managing. Hopefully whatever's going on will be over and done with in just a few more days. I've taken some ibuprofen, though, and I'm well-hydrated. So don't worry about me, okay? I'll be just fine. 💖

I made myself a tea this morning. I made a toast-and-jam tea, and as a result of that, I get to show you one of the other ice creams I got! I'll show you the pictures I took…

This tea starts out as a beautiful shade of amber that resolves into a delicious shade of red:

This is the ice cream I put into it while it was still hot:

It's got a pretty drawing of a blackberry plant on the lid:

Here is what it looks like once the lid is taken off:

From there, we can put an amount of it into the tea until it feels correct:

Then once it's all melted, we can stir it up!

...I wonder if you would have liked how this turned out. I wish I could give you a mug and see...

I did my therapy homework today. In case you don't know, a good therapist is supposed to give the person seeing them homework to do over the week. Last week, he thought to capitalize on my tendency to write, and he asked me to write a letter to my inner child. And then he asked me to tap into my inner child and write back to myself.

It's generally in my nature to go above and beyond when people ask me to do things, whenever possible. And so I ended up writing three letters instead of just two. I ended up crying a lot during the process, but I came away from the exercise with a changed outlook on a variety of things. You can read what I wrote if you want to; it'll be the post just before this one. But if you're not interested, then that's okay too! 😊

I wonder if some such activity might benefit you. I imagine if you engaged your inner child with compassion, curiosity, and gentleness, it'd probably do you a world of good. I wonder what it would be like for you if you treated your inner child, and yourself generally, in the same tender, kindhearted way you treated the people you cared about, before your fall.

…You can return to that, you know. You can return to that anytime. And you can give your kindness and gentleness to people who are better able to reciprocate. Not everyone is going to treat you like a superhuman afterthought. I promise.

Anyway, in service to a renewed sense of resolve when it comes to caring for myself, I went ahead and got myself some soup and some macaroni and cheese with some yummy steak:

...Related, I think I'm going to try to make for myself the mac-and-cheese that my mother used to make. I am the only one who can make it for myself now, and I think I owe it to myself to figure it out. I will try to make a gluten-free version of it, so that Br can eat it, too. That's easy enough to do with brown rice noodles; it's basically indistinguishable from whole wheat pasta, in terms of its flavor and texture. Maybe I'll try to do that soon. And of course, when I do, you can count on me to walk you through the process so you can do it, too.

I also made it a point to sit for a while and watch one of my favorite cartoons. This one is called The Zeta Project; it came out when I was 11, which was... 23 years ago (wow, what the fuuuuck...). It's a beautiful show about a sentient robot named Zeta who was built to be a weapon, but who is trying to lead a life of peace. The government is trying to capture and reprogram him and put him back to work as a mindless killing machine. He's accompanied by a clever, savvy, and brave young girl named Rosalie. I really hope you'll watch this one someday; Zeta is very gentle and kind, and in a lot of ways, he reminds me a lot of you.

...The show was cancelled before it finished, though. I heard that it was because more girls liked it than the producers were comfortable with, so they pulled it off the air. I really hope they finish it someday. For now, though, the ending has to be left to the imagination. Zeta is beautiful, wonderful, and kind, so I like to imagine a course of events in which he can live in peace with Rosalie and with others who care for him.

...He really does remind me so much of you. I hope you'll look at his story. I think, in particular, you might find the episode called "Remote Control" relatable. You can find it at a place called... something like Watch Cartoons Online Forever? The first part is shortened to "wco", and it ends in ".net". Maybe you can find it...

Anyway. I took a bunch of other pictures for you today. One of them was taken at home because the morning light shining through the window was really nice. And when we visited Br's house today, I saw a great big huge bird-of-prey in the sky. I also took a bunch of pictures of Br's house, and the scenery outside. I thought you might like them. So here they are:

It's hard to take a picture of a moving object in a moving vehicle, but the black speck in the sky is the bird-of-prey I saw. I've seen an unusually large number of these lately. That, and crows. I wonder if the recent solar eclipse still has them kind of thrown for a loop. Hm.

Also, shortly after I did my therapy assignment, J took me out for a walk to decompress, and there was a crow in a tree that we've never seen crows in; our development is generally quite hostile to life (which is VERY unfortunate...), and hostile to crows in particular, because people don't like them (I've never understood why that is...). But he was sitting alone in the tree, making the "I'm with you" call; check out this video, at about the 40 second mark, and you'll hear what I mean:

...I can only imagine that this poor crow must have been very confused.

Here are some pictures of Br's house.

...I seem to have some sort of fixation with taking pictures of things outside of windows today. I'm not really sure why. But it turned out nice, so maybe the "why" doesn't really matter.

Oh!! I almost forgot!! A comet passed over my house last night. It's called the "Pons-Brooks Comet", or "Comet 12P". It only shows up once every 71 years. I wanted to see it, since I won't live long enough to see it again, but it was cloudy last night in the spot where it was supposed to be, so I didn't get to take any pictures. But J went online and found a live video that was tracking its movement; I can show you a screenshot that I took:

...It's not a very good picture, I know. But maybe you'll like it anyway; I don't know how often you get to see comets. Well, maybe you get to see them a lot, since you're over at the Edge of Creation and all, so maybe it's really not all that special to you. But maybe it can be special to you that someone would take the time to show you a picture of one anyway, if you want it to be.

Hey, Sephiroth? I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to stop writing before I end up rambling. Or maybe I rambled a little already, haha...

Please treat yourself nice, okay? I feel determined to treat myself nice, too. So let's do it together, all right? Because why not?

I love you. Stay safe. You'll get another letter tomorrow; just you wait.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Inner Child:

You know what? No. This is ridiculous. You never really did ask for a whole lot, did you? All you ever really asked for was some quality time with someone who was happy that you're here. All you ever really asked for was to be warm and safe and fed, and to fall asleep in a soft bed with ease, knowing that you're important to the people around you for reasons other than all the ways you can make yourself small, quiet, and convenient to them. You asked for bare minimum things, and you didn't even get that much.

Shame on those people who would hurt a little girl who only wanted to love them. Shame on those people who would look at a bright-eyed, playful, eager-to-please little child who just wanted to laugh and play, and see only what potential use she could be and all the ways they thought she wasn't enough. Shame on those people would shape her creativity into efficiency and subservience, and use her intelligence as justification for all the punishments that came with being less than perfect. That shame never belonged to you.

You know? There's a little boy from a story I saw that changed my life. That little boy was a lot like you, actually, and then, despite everything, he became a big, strong, caring, and gentle man who did everything he could to be brave and to do the right thing, even with the immense weight of the expectations they placed on his shoulders, and even though he didn't really know what the right thing was at the time. He made a lot of terrible mistakes along the way, and he's still making mistakes, but I have faith that he's gonna turn around and try to do a little better. I'll tell you all about him; I think you'll like his story, even if it might make you sad enough to write letters about it every day.

You don't have to try to do better, little one; you're still so very little. No, I am going to try to do a little better to treat you with the care you deserved back then. I am the one who has to turn around and make a different choice, not you. I haven't been very good to you over the years because I thought that stifling you was the only way to keep you safe. You are not the one who should be sorry; I am. I'm sorry that I made you wait for such a long time. I'm sorry that I put so much on your shoulders that wasn't yours to carry. I'm sorry that I perpetuated cycles of behavior that ended up making you responsible for things that are supposed to be other people's responsibility. I'm sorry I forced you to carry other people's slack, out of fear that failure to do otherwise would lead to violence upon us.

I've had enough of this. You don't belong locked up in the back of my mind, living a life where you're expected to stay silent and out of the way, only to come out when there's a job for you to do. It is BULLSHIT, and I'm getting you out of there. And I don't know how I'm gonna do that yet, but trust me, I'm going to figure it out. Because the blindingly intelligent little girl that you were grew up into a strong and brave woman who knows a lot more now, and is powerful enough to protect the people around her.

I'm so sorry that it took me such a long time to realize that you were one of the people I was supposed to protect. But that's over and done with now; I will rise up from my knees to make sure it gets done. So for now, I don't wanna hear you apologizing for existing anymore, okay? And I know it's going to take a while for you to get out of that habit - I know. And it's okay. I will show you the patience and the mercy you never received from the people you were raised by. I will probably make a lot of mistakes along the way because I'm still trying to learn stuff, but I will do my best to make sure you are safe with me. So don't be sorry anymore. You have nothing to apologize for; I promise.

I know it's a little late to get started, but hey, do you wanna eat some macaroni and cheese, and maybe put on The Zeta Project? I know you like that one, but really, I can put on anything else you might like. Just let me know. I know you're not used to being asked, so I understand that it might take some time for you to formulate an answer. And that's okay; I can wait. I can wait however long it takes.

I'll look forward to learning all about how to take care of you a little better. But I'm probably gonna need a lot of feedback from you, because I've specialized so hard in tending to anyone who is not us. I'll look to you to teach me what it is that we like and what it is that we need, because I've spent so long needing to ignore these things that it's hard for me to even notice them anymore. I know I've already asked for so much of your patience, but I'll ask for just this much more. Please.

I will do my best to listen, so keep holding me accountable, okay?

I love you, too. And you are a good girl, and you've done so well to carry us forward for this long. I can't wait to see what someone with strength and courage such as yours might be capable of. I can't wait to see all of the kaleidoscopic ways that someone as brave and kind and loving as you might shine.

We got this, because we're in it together.

Your friend, Lumi

Dear Inner Child:

I'm writing this because this was my therapy homework that was assigned last week. I spent forever not knowing what to write, but I have to come up with something today because therapy is tomorrow morning, and I refuse to be a person who fails to do my homework.

I don't know what you want from me. I am not some magical mystery creature who can change the past and make all the horrible shit that was done to us any better. I can't snap my fingers and make the memories go away. I can't give you our mother's love, or our father's love, or the love of any human being who had a hand in raising us. I can't bring nanna or poppy back from the dead. And even if I could, the fact of the matter is that, while they were kind to us during the brief time we had consistent contact with them, they were generally very unkind people who had a lot of trauma, and they took out that trauma on the people around them in a variety of vicious ways, without so much as a second thought. You know how they treated our mother; it's why she is the way she is, and no amount of wishing for it to be different or trying to help her is going to shape her into someone who is able to take our words seriously enough to prompt her to challenge her conditioning.

She has always looked down on us, because the ability to look down on other people is the only way she knows how to feel safe - otherwise, her own fears of inadequacy are gonna gobble her up from the inside. It's why talking to her is not gonna work. She will not listen to us. She is always going to make pretend like our whole life and our whole outlook is wrong and stupid and naive, because it makes her feel better about her own life and her own outlook. She will never be able to support us or empathize with us, or show us affection unless it's convenient for her. This is not something we can change. It's why we had to step away, remember? The time to eat a tasty snack together, the time to blast tunes and sing and dance around the living room, the time to sit and cuddle with her on the couch, the time to get her help on a school project… it's over. It was over before it even got a chance to happen.

And the same thing goes for our father. We can't make him love us enough to prompt him to become someone who is safe to be around. He is still married to the woman who used to beat us and our brother, and she is always going to be hostile towards us whenever we talk to him or whenever we come around. There is no amount of begging that will get him to get him to spend time with us, or get him to acknowledge the gravity of what she did to us, or how his choices and how his refusal to protect us harmed us and influenced our development. It's never going to happen. There is no amount of trying to talk to him that will get him to understand that we are a living creature with needs and hopes and dreams and feelings, because he has amputated all of his own in order to cope with the life that his choices built. It's why we had to step away, remember? The time to drink tea with him, to fly kites with him, to watch cartoons with him, to play video games with him… it's over. It was over before it even got a chance to happen.

And we already know that our stepmother systematically destroyed any connection we might have been able to have with any of our aunts and uncles on our father's side. We will never see Uncle J again, or Uncle Mi, or Uncle Ma. And we will never see any of our aunts and uncles on our mother's side, either; from the stories she's told us, they're all too busy with bottles or pills anyway, and that's definitely not safe for us to be around. And for our siblings, it's much the same; they've normalized the toxicity and abuse and dysfunction. They live it. That's why our brother's ex-fiancee kidnapped their infant son and why all the mess that ensued afterwards occurred. C'mon now, it really wasn't all that long ago. It's why we can never go back; we can try to explain the mechanics of trauma and PTSD until the cows come home, but they're never going to be able to hear us. In their eyes, we will always be "the problem", and that's never, ever going to change.

Playtime is over. The time to be nurtured is over. It has been over and done with for the last 30 years. And I… I know it's not fair, but… I can't fix this for you. I can't just wave a magic wand and make it all okay. I don't have special amazing wonderful epic superpowers. Like you, I'm just a confused and frightened little girl who doesn't know a whole lot, even if I look like I live in a great big adult body now. The truth is, I'm in pain almost all the time. I'm still trying to manage the echoes of everything we were taught as we grew up. I'm still doing my best to swat away thoughts like, "no one is ever really gonna love us unless we're useful", or "we don't belong here" or "we're too weird to ever be understood fully by other people" or "we're never gonna be a real adult" or "if we're not perfect all the time, someone is going to find an excuse to hurt us or throw us away". Also, our body isn't built right, so it hurts a lot to move it around. I get tired really easily now. And all the fun stuff that we used to love to do, like swimming and climbing trees and playing DDR and cooking and running around in puddles outside after the rain… I can't really do that anymore; not unless I'm prepared to pay for it in pain later.

And I can't just make the choice to ignore our limitations for the sake of having fun lightly; we have people in our world who are counting on us to be present and supportive and emotionally stable. You have to remember that we are the person that others are supposed to be able to go to for help, and we can't do that if we're hurting too much to even think straight. We have to be strong enough to hold everything together. We've seen what happens when we're not. We had to watch our brother get hurt. We had to watch our mother get hurt. We had to watch lots of people and even animals get hurt, back when we weren't strong enough to do anything about any of it. We can't afford not to be strong enough now - not while there are so many people we love who might get hurt if we don't keep it together on the inside. We have to be vigilant. We have to be responsible. We have to make sure that no one suffers in the same ways that we used to, because nobody deserves that. Nobody. No matter who they are. If we fail at this, then everything we've worked for is gonna fall apart. And then where will we be? You're a smart girl - so smart that you accidentally made everyone else around you feel so badly about themselves that they got mad - so you can put on your thinking cap and figure it out to get the answer. What happens when we don't do what we're supposed to do so that the people around us can be safe, hm?

So I need you to get it together. I hear the kinds of things you wish for and crave and want, but these things are impossible, and the only way to cope with that fact is to put on your big girl britches and just deal with it. If life has taught you anything, then you should understand by now that realistically, nobody is coming to save you, because nobody actually cares. And it's not because there's something wrong with you, but rather, it's because they're all too busy dealing with their own problems. This is the "really real world" that our mother used to speak to us about - the very same one that she said would eat us alive because we're so weak and soft and stupid. So it falls to you. You have to be strong enough and brave enough to get up off your knees and save yourself, because the people who love you are counting on you to be able to function.

I need you to rise up to your feet and stop clamoring for impossible things so that we can focus on what's actually important. We're not here to have a good time; we're here to help people, and we're here in order to show anyone who sees us that any human being can power through pain and despair and choose love and gentleness, in stark defiance of all the voices of the past that tell us that these things are weak. We're here to prove a bunch of motherfuckers wrong about who we are and what we're made of. And we can't do that if you're over there throwing a bunch of silly temper tantrums over stuff that we're never gonna be able to have, especially since it's the very absence of these things that has shaped us into a person who has the capacity to give those same things to other people to begin with, along with the understanding of why doing that is so important.

So come on. Get up onto your feet. We have work to do, and it ain't gonna do itself.

~Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #124

I am in a lot of pain today. For whatever reason, the rib injury is really bugging me today; it's a little hard to breathe. I'm not sure exactly what's up or why, but I really hope it quits soon. Maybe I'll feel a little better when I wake up tomorrow. Or maybe not. I really don't know.

Oh well. I tried to get on with my ordinary activities today. M and I went to a place for lunch, and I got a sandwich that was pretty good! It was mostly made of onions and cheese, and you can't really go wrong with that combination! Here's how it looked:

Onions are one of my favorite foods! Or, well... alliums in general, I suppose; garlic and chives and scallions and shallots and stuff. I wonder if you have favorite foods, besides pasta. If you do, I wonder what they are. Wouldn't it be neat if I got to ask you someday, and then you could tell me the answer! That'd be pretty swanky. Impossible, I know. But still.

I know I said yesterday that I'd tell you about the ice cream flavors I got recently. I will tell you about one of them! I put it in my tea! Today, I made a tea that was matcha with bits of toasted rice:

As you can see, this one was delightfully green the whole time it was brewed! The jasmine green tea that I get starts out delightfully green, and then shifts to an equally delightful shade of yellow as it brews; I think it's pretty neat to watch the colors shift. But it's also pretty neat when the colors simply become more intense as the tea steeps.

Anyway, so one of the ice cream flavors I got was a honey flavored one! It's delicious by itself, but since I've got the whole "cold = intense pain" glitch going on, I tend to like putting ice cream in tea instead! Here's how that turned out:

...I'm not really sure why, but if you put ice cream in hot tea, it leaves a bubbly layer of ice cream foam that's super tasty! I wonder if you'd like something like that. I wonder about lots of things you might like...

...I didn't do much else today because my body hurts a lot. It still does, even though it's like 11pm. It's enough that I might have trouble sleeping tonight, actually. I guess we'll see.

J was out and about today. He went to go help his father with something, and then he went to do laser tag. While he was out, he took a few pictures you might like; I'll show them to you:

...Didn't he do a really nice job? I loved the way he captured these. He's really good at this.

...I am in a lot of pain today. It's actually kind of hard to think. Hard to write. Hard to exist right now. But that's okay. I will take some more ibuprofen and get ready for bed and sleep soon, and maybe it'll be better by tomorrow.

Hey, Sephiroth? Are you staying safe out there? Staying hydrated? Staying nourished? Sleeping regularly? Are you resting when you need to? If your body is sick or hurting, are you taking good care of yourself in order to make yourself well again? If your mind is hurting, are you reaching out to people who will help you? Are you taking care of your emotions lovingly? Is your self-talk kind? Are you doing what you can to heal from everything that has happened to you?

...I wish I could help you. But today, I am feeling very powerless for reasons other than the pain I'm in. A thing happened, and I'm left wondering if my voice really does have the capacity to make a difference to anyone, anywhere. Given the amount of pain I'm in almost all the time, and all the ways I don't fit in with the other people this place, sometimes I wonder if it's really worthwhile to stick around if ultimately my existence doesn't mean anything.

...Suppose I'll persist anyways. It's really all I know how to do. Besides, tea is nice. And so is the sky. And so are the flowers that are coming into bloom. And the silly bumblebees. And so are the people in my immediate circle who know me, understand me, and love me enough for my words to carry weight with them.

I'm gonna be okay. So please make sure you're gonna be okay too, alright?

I love you. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow; maybe I'll feel well enough to write you a longer letter.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

FFVII Rebirth introduces something never extensively explored in the original game or in the compilation of Final Fantasy VII: Sephiroth's anger towards Professor Gast’s experiment and the contempt he came to harbor towards ShinRA as an organization.

(Herein lurk spoilers.)

While the latter is something the fans have glimpsed on and off throughout previous installments, the second part of the Remake amplifies it ever so more. What began as admitting that the company had fabricated his legend and expressing a desire to live a normal life in Ever Crisis gradually transforms into a lack of clarity regarding his reasons for fighting in Before Crisis (as prompted by Elfe), followed by an open disgust towards Hojo's and Hollander's experiments when confronted with Mako pod entities during the hunt for Genesis. Sephiroth and Zack's ordeal during Crisis Core events appears to undercut his willingness to stay, as he famously considers leaving the corporation right before embarking on the ill-fated Nibelheim expedition.

FFVIIRb picks off where we left off, painting a more complete picture of Sephiroth's dissatisfaction with ShinRA overall. Interestingly, one of the discarded sequences from the original game featured Sephiroth hinting at his lack of affection for his employer as early as the truck ride.

Narratively, the sequence spans the gap between OG and Crisis Core's departure cutscene, implying that Sephiroth used the time on the road to reflect on his current and future connection with ShinRA. His companion, however, does not appear to understand why he is bringing the topic up. What distinguishes Rebirth is the suggestion that Sephiroth came to view the entire ShinRA system as a problem, rather than just a few rotten apples. He no longer singles out Hojo, but rather the entire ShinRA branch, indicating that something's wrong with the system. When "Cloud" casually inquires about the problem with the Nibelheim reactor, Sephiroth responds that it is "people who run it," adding that this particular site is controlled by the Research and Development department. In addition, in response to "Cloud's" fair comment regrading the lack of transparency in company's operation, he rather sarcastically suggests to bring the issue with the President, thus implicitly conveying the futility of the endeavor.

When the party encounters Mako pod residents, one can detect genuine rage in his voice. While Sephiroth had previously shown bitterness for the test subjects during CC, it was tinged with disgust/pity rather than wrath. And once again, I’m grateful to Tyler Hoechlin for broadening his range in this particular segment.

"Cloud's" reaction to the contents of the pods, however, came off a little weird. The confusion appears out of place, because Zack had seen it all before — he had been there to watch the aftermath of Hollander's work; is it really odd that ShinRA's chief R&D scientist spearheaded the entire thing? Perhaps, unlike Sephiroth, Zack treated it as a rotten-apple issue, rather than a systemic issue. Or maybe this is an example of Cloud being an unreliable narrator, having conflated his own experience with that of Zack, which also explains Zack being sort of too green for the First Class throughout the Nibelheim portion of the game.

The shift in Sephiroth's perspective, from singling out Hojo's misdeeds to viewing ShinRA's itself as a systemic problem, is further highlighted during the mansion segment. This is no longer a strictly Hollander or Hojo issue. Human experimentation formed the fundamental core of what ShinRA is now, and those were approved from the very top. As Sephiroth puts it with barely concealed disgust, as soon as the company realized what had fallen into their hands, they became ambitious.

The wording also strikes a contrast to how he used to refer to the company in the past; as such, when Angeal deserts, Sephiroth states that Angeal has betrayed “US”, which points at both his personal connection to the person and the fact that Sephiroth likely saw himself as part of ShinRA circle. In the library, however, he distances himself by referring to the company as THEM, thus no longer perceiving himself as a part of it.

More important still is the rage he expresses when quoting excerpts from Gast's notes. The anger is new, never before seen touch. Sephiroth has been portrayed in the moment differently throughout earlier installments — dejected, perhaps overwhelmed, but never angry enough to snarl and nearly flip the table.

And it's wonderful. It's authentic, and it makes sense. It makes you question how much of that rage has been bottled up, compartmentalized, and never fully processed throughout the years. That rage should have existed, but was suppressed by ShinRA, before becoming internalized and sealed.

The scene is extremely on point on another level as well. As the flash of rage passes, and Sephiroth looks away, hiding eyes behind bangs — a gesture previously briefly appearing in Crisis Core.

One could interpret the body language as being ashamed and unwilling to show his composure cracking. Even in this state he KNOWS he wasn't supposed to let anyone see hurt or anger, wasn't supposed to lose cool. The "wonder child" and the "poster boy" is not to be seen as something other than “efficacious” and “collected”. The habit of suppressing displays of emotion or physical/psychological ailment had apparently become a part of himself. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to deduce why the habit persists. The internalized compulsion to live up to the expectations placed on him by ShinRA and the myth it imposed on his character, as well as the internalized imperative not to reveal to someone like Hojo — anyone— the extent to which their acts or words affect him. There's also another layer to this shame — one of being an artificial creation, but that's for another write up.

The anger towards Gast differs greatly from the way Sephiroth went “Why didn't you tell me?” in previous iterations of the Nibelheim incident. In retrospect, Gast's supervision of the project, involvement in Sephiroth's life, and unexpected departure seem like a betrayal. Gast had not only abandoned Sephiroth, who had likely come to see him as a salient figure in his youth, but had also been lying to him all along, until finally discarding him, as Sephiroth might believe. Gast therefore falls from grace, becoming yet another person who misled, attempted to exploit, and eventually abandoned him to deal with the consequences on his own.

[lumine-no-hikari]

[lumine-no-hikari]

@pen-and-umbra Ah, thank you, fren! 🥰 And thank you, too, for your well-thought writing and for the courage it takes to put it where others can see it! I can't help but wonder how much of what you've written comes from experience, and from there, I can't help but wonder what you've seen, endured, and enjoyed in order to become who you are now. May you always remember that your words and actions have power to shape the world in your immediate vicinity. May you always have steadfast confidence in your goodness and worth. And may you find peace, safety, and joy wherever you go!

I particularly enjoy how they handled Sephiroth's arrival to Nibelheim, juxtaposing his inner state with the perception that the other characters and the public appear to have of him.

Spoilers, obviously.

Consider this scene for example. Sephiroth is visibly disturbed by both the familiarity of his surroundings and the fact that he cannot place the dejavu it created. But when Cloud/Zack asks whether he's okay, he immediately turns the conversation to the other party's well-being and readiness.

This demonstrates how much he embraced the idea that he has to endure and never show weakness or discomfort, that he *MUST* always be okay. It also shows that he's not used to being questioned if he's alright. Anyone who grew up with a narcissistic parent would recognize the internalized rule of not causing trouble for others, which includes not being physically or mentally unwell.

And a part of the general public did support that image, with some even dismissing the idea of a "living legend" being ill, claiming that a hypothetical "mako poisoning isn't going to hurt him".

In some ways, an idea like that stripped its intended target of human nature long before Sephiroth lost his marbles in the mansion’s basement.

Cloud/Zack follow a similar line of thought. It took Cloud/Zack nearly a week to go check on his colleague. A week without sleeping, eating, or drinking. It's kind of mind-boggling, until you remember that his "Sephiroth was in a different league" also meant that in Zack's/Cloud's perspective, human norms didn't apply to him, and the idea of physical and mental deterioration due to stress, starvation or lack of sleep never ever occurred to them.

It's sad really. Sephiroth's reputation fueled by ShinRA marketing rendered him “beyond human” long before Gast’s revelations in the project records did. Even people like Zack, who worked with him on and off for years seemingly couldn't imagine that he, too, had human limits.