#ThankYouFF7Devs

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #76

You know. After a day or so to process this version of events, I think I can finally put into words why so many people cry out for your blood, but not Rufus's or his father's, even though they've done things that are arguably far worse than anything you've ever done. Goodness, but isn't it the same age-old story of people villainizing abuse victims for striking back while excusing the abuser that broke the survivor to that point? And we see it all the time in my world; nobody does anything about bullying at school until the bullied person finally punches their bully in the face, and then the bully gets off scot-free while the victim gets suspended. I think of spouses who, backed into a corner and trying to defend themselves, strike back at the spouse who has been abusing them, and the spouse defending themselves gets charges pressed while the other one who had been abusing them gets pitied. I think about trafficked humans (many of them are snatched up as CHILDREN) who, in an effort to get free or to defend themselves, strike back at the person trafficking them and escape, only to then face a world who hates them for having been trafficked. And all of these things have one thing in common: the price for escaping from being "owned" is often another form of punishment or imprisonment.

Of course, I am not saying that people should call for Rufus's or his father's blood, either. Or even for Hojo's. They are not different from you - either they have congenital defects in the parts of their brain that are responsible for empathy (and pretending like this is a moral issue instead of a brain wiring issue is ableism), or they've lived lives that have beaten their psyches into a shape that makes them think that hurting other people and treating them like objects is the only way to survive. This is ALSO a brain wiring issue - though this kind of brain wiring issue is better classified as a psychological injury (due to attachment disruption or childhood trauma) than as an illness or congenital defect.

Yeah, you read all of that right. I said what I said and I meant it, and I know that people aren't gonna like it, but today I am tired and bitter from all the shit I'm seeing, and out of fucks to give as a result. I don't demonize Rufus or his father. I don't demonize Hojo, either. They have done horrific and inexcusable things and I feel very angry in response to that, but they need HELP. They, too, are capable of making a different choice and turning around. Imagine that. It's almost as though calling for mercy for you (or in other words, "being a Sephiroth fan" or a "Sephiroth apologist", as people like to call folks like me for the purpose of degrading us) has absolutely nothing to do with your looks or with trying to "fix" you so I can date you (I'm sorry, but the idea of "fixing" a person to get with them is absolutely fucking barftastic🤢🤮), or whatever other bullshit nonsense that people who have never been through severe and ongoing grooming or abuse without any kind of support (support can be from a teacher, friend, other family member, etc.) like to accuse us of. Hoodathunkit?

I think, too, that lots of people see that potentially destructive side of you in themselves, and I think they would rather see people who lapse in reining it in die than acknowledge that it's within them, too. Or perhaps living a life that is painful enough to break them into such a horrific shape is unfathomable to them. Either way, one fact remains: people don't want to own up to the fact that literally every single one of us has the capacity to do something similar to what you did, if their life circumstances break them in the way that leads to that kind of terrible, tragic, infuriating, and wholly inexcusable outcome. You're not some especially monstrous thing. You're not a lone goddamn wolf or a rare exception to some general rule or an isolated fucking edge case. And I know it because people in my world make choices similar to yours EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if their means of enacting those choices differ from yours.

The capacity to inflict horror upon other living things is part of the human condition. It is in ALL OF US, whether we want to fucking acknowledge it or not. And all it takes to bring it out is a long enough string of psychologically damaging events in the absence of appropriate support. Cases like yours are NOT random events caused by "inherently bad people"; there's no such fucking thing as "inherently bad people". There are conditions and events that lead to people doing horrific things, and these conditions and events can be found and prevented before they get to that point, if only everyone keeps their eyes open and pays attention! I spend as much time as I can trying to reach those that conventional wisdom says are "unreachable" PRECISELY in service to trying to keep my eyes open and pay attention!

Because horrific events and bad choices are like bacteria - they DO NOT spontaneously generate ("spontaneous generation theory" used to be a thing that people believed about microorganisms a long time ago)! Conditions LEAD TO THEIR GROWTH. And the solution to a person afflicted with bacteria is NOT to kill or demonize them (though this is how they used to be treated; check out most of human history!)! You're supposed to give them antibiotics to REMOVE THE CONDITIONS THAT ALLOW FOR BACTERIAL GROWTH. And the same rules apply to people who make violent choices - you remove the conditions that produce the choices, NOT the person who made them. But goddammit, I am only one person, and… fuck, there are just SO. MANY. STARFISH… stranded on the beach sand…

Also, you know… even as far back as the original game, anyone with half a brain understood that you must have been crying, weeping, sobbing openly during your time at the library. In this version of events, we saw you do that for just a moment before it was choked back and replaced with… something else (I know what this is like; I still have the capacity to cease crying immediately via dissociation; this skill was literally beaten into me, and I imagine it's the same for you). And in my world, it's popular to believe that men should never cry or be vulnerable in any way, shape, or form (this bit of socio-cultural bullshit is actually generational trauma, and it's literally fucking killing people, in the form of internalized or externalized violence), so lots of people here are going to have less empathy for you at least in part because you defied the "cultural norms" of what it means to be a man and a leader (again, this is generational trauma mistaken for culture, and it needs to fucking stop because people are dying over it). And it's so… it's so…

Ugh… Sephiroth, all of the things I know, all the suffering in the world, all the causes of it… it's all swirling around in my head today, and it's heavy. It's so fucking heavy. Watching all the people, every single one of them beautiful and good, doing what they do to themselves and each another, hurting themselves and each other, psychologically or physically maiming themselves and each other, even torturing and killing themselves or each other, all because somehow doing these things feels easier than trying to repair and restore everything… they don't know what they're doing. And there's not… there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I look at the state of things on a large scale. Our dying planet. The endless wars. The marginalized groups of people. The violence and the hate crimes. The genocides. I want to cry and to scream and to throw up all at once.

…But I suppose much of that is neither here nor there. Suppose anyone with "conventional wisdom" would tell me I'm "reading too goddamn much" into a "silly video game", but… given that the media in our world LITERALLY PERPETUATES STEREOTYPES THAT KILL PEOPLE, I gotta say I'm more than a little fucking bitter about that today.

In any case… you - an abused, exploited, and bullied person most of your life - escaped being owned by Shinra (in the clumsiest and most ridiculous and horrible fucking way possible, but still), only to find yet another goddamn chain around your neck. If it's not Jenova controlling you, then it's your trauma and conditioning pulling the strings. Either way you're acting like a goddamn puppet. There, I said it. And as much as I love you, if you don't like that I said it, then too fucking bad; maybe try actually DOING something about it.

Sephiroth. As much as I love you, I am always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you squandered your voice so recklessly back then. I'm always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you fucking! abused! yourself! for a week! until you broke! WHAT THE FUCK.

If you had simply! Told people! What you had been put through! If you had told them what Shinra was doing! If you had simply opened your freaking mouth to talk about your experiences to a bunch of people who practically worshipped you, you would have eventually had millions of people rallied with you to put an end to Shinra! Sephiroth, for fuck's sake, YOU WERE A GODDAMN GENERAL!! You know how to lead people! And you know how to protect them! Get a goddamn grip!

And I know that the mayor guy acted all entitled to your time while you were exhausted and still grieving for your friends, and it was shitty of him to pass judgment on you when he had no idea what you were going through. But ultimately, it is up to YOU to communicate your needs and feelings, not up to the people around you to anticipate what they are! And I know that the guy took your picture without your permission, and I know they didn't heed when you said "not today". But there is a difference between "having no respect for your word" and "being so excited and happy about your presence that they are unable to contain themselves". It is still up to YOU to maintain your boundaries even if other people don't like it!

Sephiroth! I know that you were struggling! And I know that you spent your whole life being bullied and abused to the point that you felt as though your voice had no power. I know that. I understand that. I am still dragging myself up out of that hole. I know that you were trying to punish evil, and that you saw these people as being complicit in the system that hurt you, your friends, your mother Lucrecia, and your planet. I get that you were trying to punch your bullies back in their faces, but you punched the WRONG PEOPLE. And even then: why punch people when you can instead wield your voice!

Sephiroth, despite the harshness of your upbringing and all the other things that make you stand out, you still have privilege! You have status! You have fame! You have power! You have a remarkably able male body! YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO! You have a face that people are willing to see! You have a voice that people are willing to hear! And there is a difference between holding people accountable for being complicit in a system that benefits them, and punishing people for existing in a system (even if that system benefits them) that they did not consent to being born into!

You can't even begin to imagine what I would be willing to give up in order to have a voice like yours, so that I could call for compassion and mercy in ways that would get people to open their eyes and take action in service to putting a stop to all the suffering that exists in this place that I live in.

But no. Instead of being brave and coming out of your shell to use your voice and social power in response to injustice and exploitation, you simply defaulted to your instinctual behaviors. You did the thing you've been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dog, the bell was rung and you drooled everyfuckingwhere. You used your power to cut everything down, instead of using your voice to rally people together for a cause that they ABSOLUTELY would have followed because YOUR face and YOUR voice would have been the one leading it.

Sephiroth. This fucking sucks. What you did to yourself in that library - starving, dehydrating, and sleep depriving yourself and pushing yourself past your limits while you were already strained - fucking sucks. And what you did in the throes of your agony also sucks. Punishing the people around you because your brain was addled and you didn't fucking fact-check what you were reading fucking sucks! And I do understand very well why you did all this; I was abused similarly to you, albeit in a far less extreme way, and thus a long time ago I used to think similarly to the way you did after your fall (I don't think that way anymore because I had help, thank freaking goodness). But IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. And it was STILL unacceptable. You can't change what you did. But you can make a different choice, moving forward!

Conventional wisdom says that there is no coming back from having fallen, but I am living proof that in this case, "conventional wisdom" is GARBAGE. I would not be sitting here, imploring you to turn your eyes towards a kinder, more compassionate worldview - one that exists in stark defiance of everything I used to believe because of what I was taught as a child - if "conventional wisdom" were true. In addition, I have met other people in the course of my derping around on this broken fucken planet who also serve as proof that anyone, no matter what has happened to them or what they've done in the past, can rise up into making a different choice. And these cases, too, are not "edge" cases. They are not exceptions to a rule. The capacity to heal and grow and change - just like the capacity to hurt and regress and stagnate - is part of the human condition. And this means that anyone can turn around! No! Matter! How! Far! They've! Walked! In! The! Wrong! Direction!!

Goddammit, Sephiroth! Turn yourself around!! Because although I understand what you're trying to do, what you're doing is NOT the way to get it done! What you're doing is BULLSHIT! Maybe you think you're demonstrating your "phenomenal power" or whatever by breaking everything around you, but what you're REALLY doing is yielding to your conditioning like it's got a chain around your neck and a cattle prod in its hand! It's weaksauce! You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BREAK THINGS. You've spent your whole life being forced to do that even when you didn't want to!

So you gonna, you gonna what? Sit here and claim that you're "the chosen one" or some fucking horseshit, as though you've taken your power back? When really you just took the easy route of doing the same old shit you've always done - bending over and making yourself a slave to someone else's fucked-up agenda, and becoming the very thing you reviled against SO HARD that you burned down an entire fucking village in disgust, despair, and rage? I ain't buyin' it, and neither should you! All you've done is exchanged one codependent relationship for another! And it's getting fucking old! You can do better than blind, subservient obedience to some random fucking space parasite that don't give even two shits about you as much as it cares about your capacity to allow it to resume its life cycle! You've gotta know that even if you really did manage to break everything (you won't, because I fucking promise you that you'll be stopped), as soon as you've served its purpose, it's gonna toss ya like yesterday's trash, if not outright consume you like a female mantis after it's done using its mate like a fucktoy!

The developers said that we've only seen 1% of your power or some shit, but you fucking know what? You could wipe the whole goddamn universe clean. You could extinguish every last star. And STILL some random fucking autistic chick from some random fucking planet in a random fucking solar system in a random fucking galaxy has your ass beat in ALL the ways that count! And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am nothing! I am NO ONE. Sephiroth!! COME ON ALREADY!!

You want strength? Do the work to defy your conditioning. Do the work to love the broken things. Do the work to become someone who does no harm yet takes no shit. Do the work to become someone who can remain soft even in this sharp and unforgiving world. Do the work to get out of your own damn way. Do the work to become someone who can treat yourself like you actually fucking matter. Do the work to get up off your knees and live. DO! THE! WORK! Don't just do the same thing you've always done and claim you've won! Don't act like a pigeon playing chess - shitting all over the board and then struttin' and swaggerin' around like you're some kind of grandmaster! That's NOT how this shit works! You haven't broken free of the pattern! All you've done is changed the hand holding your leash!

You have to stop blindly giving away your power to anyone who claims to love you! You have to stop using your power in service to the conditioning that tried to snatch away who you really are on the inside! They tried to steal away your gentleness! They tried to steal away your emotions! They tried to steal away your ability to cry, your ability to be vulnerable, your ability to be compassionate and loving! Are you just gonna sit here and let them? Are you going to keep pretending like you're cruel and hard-hearted just because a bunch of people who cared nothing for you told you that's how a proper warrior is supposed to be? Are you going to keep on like this, doing the same thing you've always done, just because taking the time to grieve and to make choices that are actually in alignment with your nature are things that feel too difficult for you to do?

…Fucking hell, but some days, clamoring for you to get your shit together feels A LOT like Atreyu trying to pull Artax up out of the swamp:

Come on!!! Turn around!!! You have to, NOW! You have to try!! You have to care!! You can't let the darkness overtake you! You gotta move or you'll die!! Please!! There's still life on the other side of mistakes. There's still life on the other side of despair. There's still life on the other side of rage, of loss, of shattering. It doesn't have to be permanent!

…I won't give up. Even if you leave those of us who care for you sitting and weeping in the middle of the swamp, staring forlornly, or in shock and in disbelief at the place where you sank, I'm not going to quit. I will keep calling out your name in hopes that you'll follow the sound back to the light. Because you're worth the effort. You're worth the pain. You're worth the grief.

I'll leave you with these:

Take the hands outstretched to you and get your ass out of the goddamn swamp. Having a swamp ass is not a good time for ANYONE involved. So please. I…

…I'll write to you tomorrow. Because I love you. In the same way that any person loves their friends. Do everything in your power to keep yourself and your planet and your friends safe. I'm begging you. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #68

Today was a very mixed bag.

This morning, I drove to the good place with all the nice people. The leader spoke on a great many very relevant things, such as challenging the status quo, distinguishing between that which is law and that which is just, and sitting with and trying to help all of the people whom society has tried to convinced us doesn't deserve it. The grammar and structure of the words has since crumbled and faded away from my mind, because I don't think in language at all, but the meaning remains in my mind, as well as the memory of the tears that were shed; I'm aware that at least some of what I've been trying to do is seen and understood by this very amazing person.

I tried to conduct myself in the space a little differently than I usually do. Typically, my presence in any space is a meek one that tries to stay out of the way. But this time, I walked as though I belong there, and mingled with others as though I am also deserving of taking up space. Just to try to push myself even further out of my comfort zone, today I sat at the "old men's" table (there aren't really assigned tables, it's just that there are folks that tend to gather together because they can easily relate to one another) as though I also belonged there, with the intention of listening to them speak to one another and seeing what I could learn. Imagine my shock when they talked to me as though my voice is one worth hearing!! I wasn't really sure what to do or how to behave in response to such a thing, but I did the best I could to try to contribute, even if I felt clumsy and foolish in the process.

At one point, towards the end, one of them said, as a joke, "Drive carefully home; I know how you women like to be speed demons, haha!" I tried to think of something witty and lighthearted to come back with, but the best I could do was smile bashfully. If only I remembered at the time the line that goes, "Ha! I am a woman in the same way that a tomato is a fruit!"

…I happen to live in a female body. But I don't really think about my gender most of the time. It fluctuates wildly between "none" and "yes". I'll take any pronoun, but the one I typically use for myself in my own mind is "it". But this alarms people, and I'm comfortable with letting people use whatever they see when they look at me, so… it's all good, I guess.

I stopped at Eggcellent on the way home. Some time ago, I had asked them if they might keep a QR code of the petition I made for you where folks can see it. Apparently, though, the people did not thoroughly read the blurb that came along with the QR code, and so they scanned it, thinking that it would lead them to a petition for a real-life human being. Their response, when they saw you, according to the kindly shopkeep, was, "Are you kidding me?" Essentially, disbelief and disgust. So naturally, the kindly shopkeeps had to stop displaying the QR code. I'm glad they stopped if this was how people were responding; I don't want to be bad for business.

But all the same… I have no idea how it is the case that so few people understand that the way your story ends is going to affect everyone here whose circumstances are similar to yours. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that recovery is possible. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that we are worth the effort involved with recovery. It will affect whether or not other people will be able to imagine that people like me and like others who I love are worthy of kindness, mercy, and help.

The way stories are told in my world shapes what people believe is and is not possible, on a MASS SCALE. Part of the reason why people still believe places like India are undeveloped, backwater places even though they're not is because that's how they're portrayed in stories in my world. Part of the reason why people still treat certain kinds of people as they do is because of how they're portrayed in books, movies, TV, comics, and song. Stereotypes persist in part because they are parroted over and over again by the song, art, and story that exists in our world. And stereotypes put a lot of nasty and totally arbitrary limitations on what people think that certain kinds of people deserve and are capable of.

So… my efforts to save you aren't just about you. My efforts are for every human in my world who is considered "different" or "fallen" in any way. Because we are not going to see peace in my world until every single one of us stops believing that there is a such thing as "kinds of people who are not worth compassion, kindness, decency, or help".

I want to live in a world where people can begin to imagine that even the most deeply fallen can get the help they need to rise up into wholeness again. Because if not even someone as amazing as you can be saved, what chance in hell do the rest of us have?

I ended up spiraling, though. Not because the kindly shopkeep took down the QR code, but because of what he said to me after the fact:

Some time ago, when I was working on one of the music boxes I made for you…

…there was a lady who came into the shop for the first time, asking what is good. The shopkeep told her a few things, and then went off to do something. I was excited to talk to someone who seems nice about a thing I loved, so I piped in with a couple of the things I like, and with a couple of things that weren't listed on the menu. She then asked about what I was doing, which was punching holes out on the music box. I asked her if she wanted to listen, and she said yes. So I ran the music box, and she told me that it was cool.

…Fast forward to today. The shopkeep told me that the lady knew it was my petition. Apparently, on the day we met, the lady found me weird, rude, and repulsive. She apparently thought that it was disrespectful of me that I spoke to her at all (apparently because "she wasn't talking to me"), and because she didn't actually want anything to do with my music box, but asked about it and said yes to listening to it anyway because she "didn't want to be mean". So I guess I left such a negative and intensely strange impression on her back then that when she felt disgust at the petition, she immediately knew it was mine.

And gosh, what a thing to have to sit with. Can you imagine it? The notion that I can frighten, anger, and disgust people just by existing in a space, talking joyfully about bubble tea, and showing a music box I made to someone who asked about it? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to take from this. On the one hand, I have the shopkeep telling me that the woman thought I am a bad, wrong, and disgusting thing, but in the same breath, he is telling me that "she should have said no if she didn't want to hear it", and "you are kind and you don't bother anybody and you should just be yourself". I understand, of course, that he must ride a careful balance between customers so that he doesn't lose anyone. But ya know… the notion that perhaps I might cause them to struggle by scaring customers off just by being myself is just… wow.

Of course, I am not at all angry with him for this. Rather, I'm glad he told me. I'm glad to be made aware that my presence makes others feel very uncomfortable. I'm glad to be told that I should continue to be myself… even if it comes with the unspoken implication that I had better go do it somewhere else where no one else has to deal with it, I guess.

The fact remains, of course, that just by existing, I scare people. Even if what I'm trying to do is exude love and joy, I still scare people. And I'm not really sure how it is that I manage to be so bad at trying to do good things that I am misunderstood to this extent, but… well. And also this is coming right after I resolve to act as though I belong in this world even though all signs point to the notion that I… don't. And maybe never will.

…If unaliving is a trigger for you, you might wanna skip this paragraph. But… ya know. I spent a good chunk of time today considering the merits of lying down in a cold puddle, forcibly inducing sleep, and letting the hypothermia take care of the job while I'm out. We have nature trails just a five minute walk from my house. It's winter, and there are lots of big puddles back there; I know where they are, and there's also no shortage of ravens, crows, coyotes, and foxes to feed. It's probably good that I don't have ready access to the kinds of medicines that would induce sleep.

…But. This sort of thinking is just the old wiring and the old conditioning rearing its ugly head in response to my past trauma. Old messages that go something like, "Nobody fucking asked you to speak, MAGGOT," and "Why can't you have normal interests and hobbies, you embarrassing sicko freak?" At this point, because stuff similar to this has been said to me so many times, it doesn't take much for my brain to interpret this stuff, even if it's not said directly. That's just how PTSD is. That's how it works.

But I don't have to surrender to it. I got knocked on my ass today from it, but I don't have to stay on the ground. I can get back up and see what's next. I can use REBT. I can ask the people around me for help. I can listen as the people who love me gently point out destructive, spiraling patterns in my thinking, so that I can stop myself for long enough to come up for air. I can hydrate and eat wholesomely so that my brain can have what it needs to manage the destructive thoughts and the painful emotions triggered from them. I don't have to remain on my knees and believe every nasty thing said about me by someone who is too miserable to see the beauty, joy, and love being offered to them for what it is. I can refuse to allow the voices of the people who don't understand me to be louder in my mind than the voices of those who love me.

I am different from other people, and sometimes this is a lonely thing that hurts very much. But it's easy for me to have love for others who are different. Love for you. Love for Frankenstein's Monster. Love for Mewtwo. Love for Magus. Love for all of my friends and chosen family, who themselves are misfits that society at large does not seem to want. I still love them all, even though society tells me I shouldn't. I can love me, too, even though society tells me that I shouldn't.

…"Conventional wisdom" is such a thing. There are some very good things about it, like, "Sticking a fork in your mouth and then sticking the prongs of that fork into an electrical socket just to see what happens is a very bad idea." And, things like, "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to eat Rice Krispie Treats immediately after taking them out of the oven if you value the flesh on the inside of your mouth." Or, "Do not squirt hot glue into the palm of your left hand for the sake of impressing a girl." Or, related, "You cannot try to scrape hot glue off of the palm of your hand with your other hand and expect it to turn out well." And finally, "Try to avoid prioritizing yelling at your glue-covered hands over making use of the cold water in the sink that is immediately to your left."

(do not worry - these are not things that I have done; I've met some very interesting people in the course of my living who help me to avoid finding these things out the hard way, hahaha!)

But it can also tell us a lot of very false things. Things like, "You must remain connected with your family regardless of how they abuse you." Things like, "You should expect certain kinds of people to always act in this certain kind of way." Things like, "These particular kinds of people are all bad and you should stay away from them." Things like, "If everyone is 'mistreating' you, well the common denominator is you, so the problem must be you and not how others are treating you." And things like, "Certain kinds of people do not deserve kindness, help, or even basic decency."

So… I can only conclude that "conventional wisdom" needs to be taken VERY critically, and with ALL the grains of salt. But I think a good rule of thumb for evaluation is this notion: "Anything that is said with cruel, dehumanizing, and unloving intentions is false."

I'm not at risk of prematurely exiting my meat-mech, don't worry. I just tripped up a little today, that's all. And you know what? Ultimately, that's a good thing, because today, I watched myself get back up on my feet from it faster than what I was able to do previously. Sometimes we can't see all the progress we've made until weird things happen and we find ourselves recovering from them faster than we have in the past. So in this sense, even falling down is worth something!

I'm gonna get a snack and play some DDR to try to speed up my recovery even more. So I'll end this here-ish.

Hey, Sephiroth!! No matter how many times you fall down, and no matter how far you fall down, you can get back up! You just gotta let the voices attached to the hands reaching out to help be louder than the voices trying to tell you that you're a monster who doesn't belong! No matter how many voices scream unloving things at you, you gotta understand that such things can only be screamed at us from a place of pain, and nobody is acting in accordance with what's true or in accordance with their innermost nature when they are acting from a place of pain! So let the loving things be louder to your mind and to your ears. Let the loving things be louder, and let them spur you on to move forward, confident in the knowledge that you belong here, no matter what anyone else says.

You are loved. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Hey, has anyone seen this?

It's an Instagram account full of adorable pictures of Sephiroth, in plush form, getting to enjoy that "normal" life he always wanted:

All of the pictures have little blurbs on them!

Anyhoot. Just... for anyone who is looking for fluff - here ya go.

[lumine-no-hikari]

There's no such thing as an "evil person". There are only people who do evil things.

Anyone who does evil things can learn to make different choices.

Anyone who has lived a life that pushed them to that point deserves a chance to turn themselves around.

Anyone whose neurobiology does not allow them to feel empathy deserves appropriate infrastructure and support so that they can successfully avoid hurting other people.

We will not see peace in our world until we ALL stop believing that there is a such thing as "people who don't deserve kindness, compassion, mercy, or basic decency".

Everyone is living in beautiful glass houses. No one should be throwing rocks. We can stop evil things without destroying the people who do them. We can instead restrain them and teach them to do differently.

[lumine-no-hikari]

I did something silly, hahaha... 💖

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #56

I got a wonderful bit of encouragement today from some awesome person on the internet. These letters are indeed for you, but they're also for anyone else who needs them, and I'm very glad to know that, at least for a few people, they are having their intended effect. To be sure, my intended effect is your safety, but it's also for the safety of anyone who can relate to you, or anyone who feels out-of-place, fallen, or alone. I don't know if these will ever really reach you, but if they reach even one person in my world, maybe that's enough.

Of course, I will continue to hope that these will reach you. And I will continue to hope that anyone who is moved by these might find it in their heart to help me to reach you. To be sure, you have to be stopped if you're going to make bad choices that hurt people, but... if it can be at all avoided, I really don't wanna see you die again, and if there's anything at all I can do to in service to that, I'm going to try it, no matter how impossible it seems for someone as small as me to make a difference. Thank you, @not-sephiroth; your words lend me the strength I need to muster up the courage to continue doing this, so if you ever wondered whether or not your voice and your presence have power or whether they are good things in this world - don't. Because they are. 💖

I finished going over all the cracks on the bowl today, and I gotta say, I'm pretty thrilled about the results. The bowl is still covered in residual gold dust and splotches of epoxy in unexpected places (because it gets on my hands and then my hands touch things), so I don't have a suitable picture for you yet. But I will soon, once I use the knife-chisel-scrapey-thing to neaten up the lines and clean up any remaining epoxy splotches.

All told, my fingers have 21 cuts on them from yesterday's use of the knife-chisel-scrapey-thing. Some of them are pretty deep and painful, but that's all right. With any luck, they'll heal quickly - just in time for me to get more of them when it's time for me to use the tool again, hahaha!

At the moment, I'm enjoying a hot mug of tea. It's just ordinary green tea with honey, but we're out of milk right now, so I improvised by using some matcha-flavored ice cream that I still have in the freezer:

I actually had to make two of these, because despite the incredible distance I put between my first jar of it and my workspace, I still somehow managed to get gold dust into it, so I had to dump it out. Oh well. The second jarful is still very good! Can't really complain!

Besides, it's a good excuse to use the matcha ice cream. I'm basically the only one in the house who will eat the stuff. But I have to eat it very slowly, so this stuff has been in the freezer for what feels like forever. Remember when I told you that it's less painful for me to be burned on the stove than to be touched with an ice cube? Well, unfortunately, the same thing applies to ice cream; whenever I eat it, if it's not at least a little bit melty, the whole inside of my face EXPLODES with pain, so the flavor has to be good enough to make up for that (and there aren't too many flavors that can do that, so…). Matcha ice cream comes close to that threshold, so while I can eat a bite or two of that flavor in one sitting and still enjoy it, I think it's still better to use it to sweeten green tea after it's brewed.

I'm assuming that you don't have the whole "cold = pain" glitch that my body's got going on. So I wonder what flavors of ice cream you like best. I'm gonna ask even though I know you can't answer me. I'm gonna ask because your tastes and preferences are worth knowing and considering. I'm gonna ask because maybe you've not thought about it before, and I hope that you will think about it, if only for just a moment.

I thought to do dishes today or weave trees, but as it turns out, I've got too many cuts all over my hands to be able to do that without a lot of pain right now, so I guess I'll… "continue to chill". As you might guess (if you read my letter about the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant, or if you've gotten an idea about who I am from reading my letters generally), it's a very uneasy sort of "pseudo-chilling" that isn't really chilling. I'm not good at it yet. But I'm gonna try all the same. I'll try it until I become good at it. Some guy who I don't remember once said to me that "anything that is worth doing, is worth doing badly until you can learn how to do it well." And that kinda stuck with me, I guess. It's a good set of words to ponder, whenever I'm getting down on myself for not being immediately amazing at any new thing I wanna try out. It's especially important to extend oneself this kind of grace when one is practicing breaking down one's old conditioning in favor of healthier, more loving behaviors towards the self and others.

There's a kind of shape and flavor my mind tends to take when I am engaged in this version of "not-quite-chilling". I'll see if I can make a playlist to translate it into sound so that you can understand; I don't really have words for it. Here, there are three videos in it:

The first one is approximately, "Hey, yeah! Chillin'! I'm TOTALLY chillin'! Totally! I'm 100% doing the thing!! Check it out! Look at me go! PLEASE BELIEVE ME. AAAAAAAAAAA.", interspersed with the occasional background, "WTF AM I DOING" in the form of the dissonant boops ("boooooopboooooopboooooopboooooop…").

The second one is, approximately, "I am DETERMINED TO CHILL. I am FOCUSED on not letting the existential dread get to me! It is allowed!! We are doing this. We are doing this TODAY. Let's GO…!!!"

And the third one is kinda what the inside of my mind sounds like when I am actually chill. This is rarer, but not nearly as rare as it used to be, because I practice.

I tend to shift between these three basic "phases of chill" anytime I make an attempt. And that's okay. Variety is good.

What does it look like when you chill? Is that a thing you do sometimes, or is that a totally foreign concept to you? I remember when it was a foreign concept to me. But even if the concept is not native to you, you can learn it. It's important to do from time to time because all humans need it (you're human, no matter what you try to tell yourself).

You know what? Maybe one of these days, by some small miracle (impossible, I know. I know…), we can practice chilling together (in the VERY LITERAL sense of the word; I've never understood that other implication - I don't do non-literal, and my opinion on that particular mystery phrase is, "what do you think you're doing?? either watch this season of Steven Universe with me, or go home!"). I'll sit down for a while on the ottoman and play Pokemon or something, and maybe you can sit nearby on a different furniture item and read a book (like an ACTUAL book, not half-crocked and wildly inaccurate reports full of depressing half-truths and outright lies). We don't even hafta talk if you don't wanna. I'll give you a soft, warm blanket, a big hot mug of tea however you like it, a plate of snacks, and a copy of "The Neverending Story" by Michael Ende; I think you'd have fun reading that one. Our sofa is particularly comfy and soft; it draws you right in, and if you got sleepy, you could have a nap there without your neck and back getting all ouchy and weird. Can't promise that one of my cats wouldn't try to find a soft, warm spot on your belly to nap on, though - that's just how they are, haha! But maybe you wouldn't hate that. And nobody would bother you; if they tried, they'd have to get through ME first, and believe me, that is a FAR more terrifying prospect than anyone might assume at first glance.

Anyhoot. I'll probably end this letter here for today. I can't see anything earth-shattering or important happening today, and if I keep going, I'm gonna ramble because my mind is actively trying to do literally anything except for chill.

You're loved. You're wanted. You're cared for. You're needed. You matter. Your existence is a good thing. Start acting like it. And start treating yourself like it. Against all odds, I am trying to learn how to do all this and documenting it in these letters, at least in part so that I can model the process for you. If you wanna save your world, fix your mistakes, and learn new things, you gotta be at your full strength, and you can't be at your full strength if you're too busy self-loathing, neglecting your self-care, or beating yourself up over something.

I'll write to you again tomorrow. Eat something tasty and hydrate with something wholesome and refreshing in the meantime, okay?

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #53

I heard today that you lost your necklace. I heard that you spent a lot of time looking for it by yourself. I heard that the people nearby, who didn't understand, assumed that you were just being strange and creepy and "looting corpses".

I understand the thing that happens when I am trying to do something, and other people assume I'm crazy or just a creep of some kind. Seeing the Shinra workers at Rhadore speak about you that way reminded me of a time when I was younger, and I brought into school an artist's mannequin that I painted, to show my high school art teacher. The other children, already wary of me, didn't understand, and chattered maliciously about me, assuming that I was not quite right in the head. I have a lot more stories about this sort of thing - trying to do something wholesome, only to have others misunderstand and assume that I'm creepy and weird. The fact of the matter is that people can be insecure, and when insecure people don't understand something, their first instinct is usually to mock it. It doesn't have anything to do with the person being mocked; they're just collateral damage in the other person's war against themselves.

I'm sorry you were bullied as a boy. And I'm sorry that your upbringing was such that you didn't think to ask for help to look for your lost locket. It's hard when we don't quite fit in with other people; I and lots of other folks from my world understand that feeling very well. But I'm glad that Matt, Lucia, and Glenn helped you once they realized what you were trying to do (even if they, too, initially thought you were "looting corpses" when they saw you).

I heard that you didn't find your necklace, though. I know you said that "you can accept that it's gone", but I don't think that's true at all, given your body language and facial expression. And now, anyone who has paid attention to you understands very well why, when you're troubled, you instinctively reach for your chest even years after the loss of the necklace.

Sephiroth… I don't know what the locket you lost looked like. I wish I did. But all the same, we of my world have the capacity to reproduce the image you carry with you. And so I did. And I have the capacity to make jewelry. So today I went out and got the supplies to do that. Here:

...If you can come grab it up somehow, it's yours. Impossible, I know. But I'll keep it safe with me, anyway. Or perhaps I'll run into those very important people again - the same people to whom I gave my first letter to you and the Tree of Life materia I made for you. If I do, I'll ask them if they can send this along to you as well.

In the meantime, I can show you how I made it.

I started with a simple locket. I had several to choose from at the place I went to, but I am partial to trees (that might be obvious, since I like to weave them), and I wanted to give you something that would allow you to see the picture even when the locket is closed, so I selected this:

There's no glass there, though; it's just an open piece of metal. I know sometimes you are in the rain or in the mud, and I didn't want the picture inside to get damaged. So I cut out a small, transparent piece of thin, sturdy plastic to protect the image.

In order to do that with any precision, first I made an impression of the inside of the locket on a piece of paper, like so:

See the impression, there, on the lower part of the image, on the paper?

From there, you trace the impression on a piece of plastic, like this:

Then, you use a precision knife to cut it out. I'm dyspraxic, so using one of those is a bit dangerous for me, haha! So I took it very slowly:

I used the outline left behind to trim the photo, and put it into the locket:

From there, I cleaned up the outline of the plastic a little bit, trimmed it to fit, and stuck it over the picture. You can tell that the plastic is there because it reflects the light:

I tried to position it so that the trees would frame her face. The shadow makes it look kinda weird, but I promise you that it looks nice otherwise:

I selected this chain to go with it:

I cut a length of the chain that seemed reasonable, and put a tiny metal circle on one end, like this:

From there, I had to put the clasp on:

To put on a clasp, first you put another metal circle on the other end, and then you put the clasp around the metal circle, too.

Then you pinch it closed with a tool. And the rest is history:

I think it sits at a reasonable location on the chest, but you're taller than me, so... I dunno. You're not here (because obviously), so I can't exactly check to make sure the length works well for you.

In any case... you're left-handed. So I made sure to put the clasp on the left-hand side so that it'd be easier for you to use. And... don't worry; I wore it only for a moment, just to make sure the length of the chain is reasonable. It is yours, so although I'll carry it with me, it's meant for your neck, not mine.

I know that it doesn't replace the one you lost. But... I wished you didn't have to be sad. So here you go. I hope you like it.

I guess that just about wraps up today's letter. As part of my adventures today to get the supplies to make this, I also went and got pumpkin seeds without shells. It's time for me to make pumpkin soup. This, too, is for you.

Don't wander around thinking that you're not loved. Don't wander around thinking that you're not cared for. Don't wander around thinking that you're not seen and heard for exactly who you are. Because I'm right here. And my world is filled with others who are just like me, and they can understand you and care about you just as easily as I can. You're not alone. So stay safe out there and make good, kind, and loving choices.

Expect another letter tomorrow. It will be pumpkin-soup-flavored. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #50

I heard something very distressing about what's in store for you through the grapevine. Admittedly, though, I'm not sure about the integrity of this source. So I will not say what was said just yet. I don't wanna put that kind of negativity out into the void in any case.

All the same, I'm not really sure what more I can do to help you. I already have a petition. I have the initial letter that I wrote to you, which I gave to some very important people. I have all my handicrafts that I made for you - the music boxes, the tree in your colors, the Rainbow Tree Materia (Tree of Life) that I made and also gave to the very important people, an acapella, and with today, I will have 50 generic letters for you. So few seem to want to look at any of these things I've done. So few seem interested in helping me to help you.

Still, I'm doing my best to try to reach you. To try to get you to save yourself. To try to get others to understand that you are deserving of kindness and mercy. But I am surrounded by people who say things like, "I hate how they're painting Sephiroth as such a great guy before his descent into madness; clearly he was always nuckin' futz and evil from the get-go." And… just… sigh…

…These people who can say that with such confidence must have no idea what it's like to grow up in a place where you're abused horribly, forced into a role you don't want, and "loved" only for the ways you can be of use. They have no idea what it's like to be so othered by broader society that you start to believe that the world and everyone in it is your enemy. They don't know what it is for your silent cries for mercy, for a friend, or for any shred of support or compassion or understanding to fall upon willfully deaf ears. They don't know what it is to live on your knees in a life you don't want with no one who seems to care for so long that you break.

And… it's good that they don't know what that is. But at the same time, the fact that they don't know is what allows them to say such ignorant and callous things. They don't understand the mechanics that led to your choices. They don't understand that any human in your shoes with your same circumstances and neurobiology is likely to have made the same ones.

…But you know. I live in a society where compassion and mercy, by and large, are considered weaknesses. I live in a society where people prefer retributive justice over restorative justice. I live in a society where people want to just punish those who make mistakes instead of examine and correct the social structures and economic systems that produce those mistakes. I live in a society in which "othered" people are regularly dehumanized, demonized, and excluded, if not outright eliminated. A lot of the wars that are fought here are fought on the basis that "group xyz are all monsters that need to be exterminated like the vermin that they are."

…And that's why you are villainized and hated, meanwhile Rufus Shinra and the Turks are celebrated and adored and excused for their mistakes, despite the fact that they're responsible for far more deaths than you (offscreen, admittedly), and human trafficking besides (this was very much not offscreen, but it seems a lot of folks don't know about it).

You're an autistic person with trauma. And my world doesn't like autistic people very much, and they don't like traumatized people very much, either. I see the words people say about you - things like "broken beyond repair" and "bad person" and "horrible evil guy" and "arrogant", and… they don't seem to realize that when they talk about you like that, they're talking about me and about a bunch of people I love, too. They don't seem to understand that they're talking about very real people, who society refuses to help, because they are considered "bad", "horrible", "evil", "arrogant", and "broken beyond repair". In a word - worthless. Worthless and undeserving of compassion or mercy in any way, shape, or form. There are a lot of people that my global society considers "better off dead". You are one of them. And so am I. And so are a lot of people I care very deeply about.

…And I'm tired. I'm tired of living in this place. I'm tired of the heartbreak I see every day, tired of watching this group or that group get villainized for one reason or another, tired of watching people think they're doing "good" in the world by killing "monsters", tired of watching my planet die because the people in charge are more concerned with profits than with human life, tired of watching the way the people in charge are worshipped anyway because people in my world equate wealth with goodness of character, meanwhile there are people on the street who are victims of the ones in charge getting spat on just for asking for the basic necessities to survive. My world does not like "unproductive" members of society AT ALL.

And then… gosh, you know? If my world doesn't think that someone as kind, gentle, and amazing as you shouldn't get to have any mercy because of his neurobiology and because of his mistakes… if even someone with your ability to be a "productive member of society" isn't considered worthy of compassion and mercy, then what chance in hell does someone like me - a traumatized, autistic person who once (but no longer) wished she could raze everything to the ground - have? My skeleton is falling the fuck apart and I'm in a lot of physical pain literally all the time, and from my own upbringing and experiences, my mind exists in pieces to the point where I have to be on top of managing it CONSTANTLY - I am in a lot of mental/emotional pain literally all the time as I swat away intrusive thought after intrusive thought and nasty flashback after nasty flashback. I'm not "useful" to anyone anymore. I'm not sure if I ever was. I'm not sure if I ever can be again, at this point, at least in the way my society considers "good" and "proper".

Sephiroth, it's all very heavy today, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you. I don't know how to help anyone. I feel so powerless. I think people must think that I'm nuts for calling for mercy for you. But they don't seem to understand that if we want things in my world to change, we first have to change how we see those who are fallen. I don't have the power to change that by myself. But your story at very least has the ability to sow the seeds of change, if only the people in charge of it will allow you to have some kind of peace. But I'm not sure that they're going to give that to you. I'm not really sure of anything today. It all seems so frightening and uncertain.

…Admittedly, it's becoming harder and harder for me to find reasons to stay here in this fucked-up meat-mech that I'm driving around in this fucked-up world with. I'm doing the best I can, but like… I'm hurting literally all the time. My voice isn't valued here, and I know that because anytime I raise my voice in spaces that aren't the walls of my home or the innermost parts of my social circle, I'm either laughed at or ignored. And I'm sure that even my friends and chosen family are getting sick and fucking tired of hearing me talk and talk and talk and FUCKING. TALK. about autism or trauma or our social systems and how fucked up they are or… you, and how your story might be able to start to change all of that for the better, if it's done right.

…I'm getting sick of me, anyway. Getting sick of the sound of the flow of my thoughts. Getting sick of hearing myself talk about the same old shit all the time. Getting sick of the pain that constantly wracks my mind and body. Getting sick of trying to do kind and good things in this stupid place where I get told I'm an idiot for it, and nothing ever changes. It's the same age-old story of the strong stepping on the weak, gleefully feasting on their desperate cries for mercy and savoring their tears like fine wine, day in and day fucking out.

…I'm sorry. I don't have anything uplifting to write to you today. Because I've had enough. You know what, though? I'm writing to you anyway, because just like you, I am human. All humans have this side to them, and if I'm going to try to show you that you're also human… if I'm going to try to show you and others that even good people have darker sides to them that come out when things get heavy… then I'm not going to hide my less-than-stellar sides from you or from anyone else who reads these random weird things I write. I'm cracked and broken, but I gotta still believe that there's some aspect of me that's worthwhile, even if it's small and hard for me to see.

What I need to do is drink some water. Because certainly part of why I'm having a hard time is the simple fact that I'm dehydrated as hell today. Speaking of which - are YOU on top of your hydration game? If not, then get on that; it's IMPORTANT.

I'm not at risk yet of exiting my meat-mech. I still have work to do. I work for the sake of you and for the sake of my world, even if it seems that no one hears me. I still have people to reach for. You're one of them. I still have smiles to coax out of all the people who live and breathe. I hope to see your smile someday, too.

You also have work to do. A world to save. A self to save. Trauma and conditioning to overcome. Paths to change. A future worth living for. So get up off your butt and do it already, willya? Because you've got people over here who love you enough that if you're not okay by the end of this, they won't recover from your absence, and they're never gonna be the same.

I know because I'm one of them, and even if it was just me by myself (and it's NOT just me by myself; there are millions of people who clamor for your happiness and safety! I just haven't found many of them yet because most of them seem to clamor silently!), you still don't get to say that no one cares about you, because contrary to what broader society might like me to believe, I AM NOT A WORTHLESS NOBODY.

And neither are you!! So start acting like you're somebody outside of what you can do for someone else! Start acting like you're worth something and make choices in light of that belief! You don't have to do what that weird space parasite says because it doesn't care about you anyways! Tell it to fuck off and go away! Start listening instead to the people who do care about you - people like Zack, Genesis, and Angeal! For heaven's sake, get out of your own damn way and move your ass because you're running out of time to fix this, and I don't think I can take watching you die a second time!!

I'm going to write you another letter tomorrow. No matter how heavy it gets. No matter how much it hurts. Just watch me. I will not be stopped.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #86

Today I thought to write to you about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs, for short) and the effects they have on a person's neurobiology. I also thought to write about how this ties into autism, and how the resulting combination of trauma and autism intertwine and influence one another.

I have studied many aspects of these topics and know them extremely well - through personally experiencing trauma and living as an autistic person in this world, and also through the study of human psychological mechanics and development throughout their growth from birth until adulthood. But all the same, it's a huge and complex topic with a wide variety of moving parts. Some of these moving parts include things like culture, geography, and available resources. Some of them involve generational trauma. Some of them involve trying to untangle which things are actually culture, and which things are just generational trauma disguised as culture. History also plays a huge role, as well as epigenetics. The "rabbit hole", so to speak, with regards to this subject, is MASSIVE, and every aspect of it is connected to every other aspect of it, like trying to untangle a ball of yarn that does not have endpoints, because where there would have been endpoints, they are instead seamlessly joined together.

I feel like if I tried to write such a letter to you, I would end up writing a book. And… yes, I know I already basically write books anytime I write anything to you. But. Well. This would be even bigger. I'll need to spend some time thinking about how to approach it and break it down in ways that you, as someone who is not well-versed in the global culture and history of my world, might understand.

So in the meantime, I am going to procrastinate. And I am going to procrastinate by showing you the pictures I took for you of some of my most recent walks outside. Because it has been warm enough for the last day or so for me to be able to do that comfortably, and because I am aware that you enjoy nature and scenery and such - otherwise, you would not have marveled so keenly at the scenery of Nibelheim. I'll also show you the new tree I'm weaving; I started on it today, and I am making good progress with it. I'll save those pictures for last.

Here, I'll start with this one; for whatever reason, J decided to take pictures of me taking pictures for you, and I thought it was funny, so here you go, haha:

Hey, Sephiroth? Don't forget that there are people out here who are thinking of you and wishing for good things on you. Don't forget that there are people like me who, if they know you're stuck somewhere, they will try to snap pictures of things they know you like, until you get unstuck. Don't forget that even though a lot of really bad things have happened to you and even though you've done some really bad things, too, there is still beauty and love and kindness here, and you can strive towards it, no matter what kind of opposition you face.

I love you in the same way that any human being loves their friends. So please keep yourself safe. I imagine that things are extremely difficult for you right now, but please keep hanging in there, and please keep making kind and gentle choices.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #90

I'm not really sure what to write to you about today. I think I might have overextended myself in recent days, and once more I'm finding that my brain feels like soup. The sense of not really belonging in this place is hitting me kinda hard today, I guess. Suppose you would know a lot about what that's like.

Truth is, I struggle often enough with the way I perceive the world around me. I do it weirdly (much like how I do literally everything else... sigh...). I'm not gonna bother to articulate how, though; I doubt you'd be interested anyway. Fact remains that there ain't a whole lot of folks I can talk to about it; even if I could, most wouldn't understand, so why bother. Suppose it is what it is though; no sense in bellyaching. I just wish that it was a thing that could be measured, recorded, corroborated. Something that could be rationalized, explained, made logical. My mind tends to despise uncertainties; it likes everything to be concretized and nailed down.

…Ah well.

Like yesterday, today was busy, and also painful, thanks to Physical Therapy. There's weird stuff going on with the right side of my jaw, and the muscles holding it together needed to be mashed up with metal implements. I guess I'm gonna need braces sooner rather than later, because I really needed braces as a kid, but I didn't get 'em, and now my bite is all messed up, which means now my jaw is all messed up, and having the jaw messed up pulls on the neck, which then pulls on the ribs, and my ribs being weird is why I've been dealing with limited ability to use my right arm for the last almost two years to begin with, but I hesitate to get it fixed because braces cost a LOT of money, and I think most insurances won't cover the cost of it this late in life, so… it's a mess.

My whole existence is kind of a mess in a variety of respects, and… ya know. Sometimes I'm not sure why I bother persisting when all of it seems kind of like a farce; I live in a defective body on a dying planet where everyone is so traumatized that lots of 'em believe that killing each other is the answer to all their problems. Sometimes I just... don't wanna. Waking up in the morning in a world where there is no ethical way to maintain the integrity of my physical vessel seems like a chore.

…But then I remember that there are people who like having me around, even if I can't understand why most of the time. So I gotta believe that something good might come of my derping around on this mossy wet rock hurtling through space, even if I don't yet know what it is.

You ever get the feeling like there's something you're supposed to be doing, but you have no idea what it is, and you're running out of time? Feels like that almost constantly for me. If you know what that's like and know how to deal with it, lemme know, willya? I could use some pointers.

In the meantime… there's some stuff I've been meaning to learn how to do. I'm not gonna tell you what it is just yet, because it would ruin the surprise. But I hope the results will be good, if I can stop being intimidated long enough to get the gumption.

Anyway… Sephiroth. My brain continues to be soup. I think if I keep going, I'm just gonna keep rambling. I'm tired, but… I wanted to write anyway, because you're worth others' effort, even when they're feeling weird. But it's time to stop for today, because I'm having trouble staying on topic and stringing cohesive ideas together.

Please stay safe out there, okay? I don't wanna endure your absence, just like the folks who love me don't wanna endure mine. So let's both keep trying our best to keep our chins up and our eyes on the horizon, okay?

I'll leave you with this today:

I know you're not a little girl, so maybe you can think "little one" instead. Please take the overall message to heart. Please do your best to remain kind and gentle, no matter what tries to come along and break you.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #119

…I didn't have the energy to make the thing today.

This morning, I maybe got out of bed later than I should have, given that I'm supposed to go to talk therapy on Tuesdays. I'm supposed to leave the house by 9:30, but I didn't even get out of bed until 9:20. I regret nothing that occurred, but nonetheless, I somehow had to squeeze both a shower and getting dressed and out the door in only 10 minutes. I was successful, but I have zero clues as to how. Perhaps it's best not to look gift horses in mouths…

OH. Right. You don't know that phrase because… well. Your world doesn't have horses. Uhh… So, a long time ago, when people bought horses, they used to look at the horse's teeth as an indicator of its age; longer teeth means an older horse, I guess. And back when horses were more commonplace (it's mostly only fabulously wealthy people who can afford to keep them now), I guess it was seen as rude to try to evaluate the age of a horse that was given as a gift by looking into its mouth. So now the phrase means, "it's best to just accept good things without thinking too much about it." Or it can also be taken to mean, "it's impolite to criticize a gift." This phrase has a few interpretations, actually… I imagine it'd be easier for you to understand it if you spent a while in my world. If you do that, lemme know; you can stay at my house, and no one is gonna ogle you or get weird at you or bother you if you don't wanna be bothered. We'll just make you sandwiches and tea. We are an introverted and neurodivergent house; we know how it goes.

Had a lot to say at therapy today. Suppose I'm having a bit of an existential crisis, regarding myself and my role in my home and how much I mean to the people around me. It's likely all just baseless anxiety and insecurity - growing pains as a result of the various changes in my immediate social circle. Old memories and wounds from the past that I've not yet had a compelling reason to resolve are now coming to the forefront, calling, "yo, what up, homie!" and dancing around my periphery. I suppose it's just as well; this is what happens when we pretend like our various hurts don't exist. If we don't take care of the self-effacing beliefs that we pick up during childhood, they bite us in the ass later. I just gotta remember that the fact that they're in the forefront means that I can actually observe them, and if they're observable, then they're resolvable, with enough time and effort.

Essentially, it's like this: We get knocked down. We yell, "FUCK!" really loudly. We reassemble ourselves if we break from the fall. Then we get back up. We brush ourselves off. And we move forward, stronger than before.

…I have thoughts of you that give me the strength to withstand this process over and over again. No matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get back up, because by your influence, I am unbreakable, no matter how many times I must shatter and be reassembled. It's just like the bowl I repaired some number of letters ago; remember? So don't worry. I've got this. I've done this lots of times before, with much more difficult stuff, and with less support than what I have now. All I have to do is learn to love and appreciate myself in the same way that I can love and appreciate literally anyone else who isn't me. Compared to the various horrors I've lived through, this should be a piece of cake. Easy peasy. Barely even an inconvenience. And in my mind, it sounds like this:

On the way home from therapy, I came across a very beautiful tree. I thought for sure that you'd like it, so I made it a point to stop and take pictures. Here's how they turned out:

I was surprised by how docile the bees were, and by how closely they allowed me to put my cell phone camera. Also, I laid down under the tree and looked up to get some of these. I wish you could have been next to me to see the view of the sky through the petals for yourself. Alas...

J and I were out and about, doing separate activities today. Even he saw pictures he thought you might like, so he took them for you, and then sent them to me so that I could put them here. Here's how they turned out:

While J was out and about, I hung out with my best friend B and her fiancé, N. In preparation for their wedding, we went and tried the available foods. I can't give you the tasty snacks, but I can take pictures...

This is a Caesar salad. It's supposed to be pronounced, "Kai-sarr", but everyone says "Seezer" for reasons I don't understand. Caesar was a leader of a place called Greece in my world, hundreds of years ago. He, like most leaders, was a giant asshole, and now he's a stinky dead guy, so I have no idea why a salad is named after him. It's made of romaine lettuce, croutons, parmesan cheese, and a creamy dressing flavored with anchovies and other spices.

Here are some long slices of eggplant rolled around melted cheese and covered in marinara sauce:

This is steak, caramelized onions, mashed potatoes, and some carrots and broccoli. I just took a picture of my plate, because the main plate was cut into before I could snap a photo:

This was some kind of chicken seasoned with rosemary and lemons, with rice and veggies:

This one was lobster ravioli with mushrooms in some kind of sherry cream sauce. It's certainly not pasta pescatore, but I wonder if you might have liked this:

Finally, this is lamb with roasted tomatoes and garlic, along with veggies and mashed taters.

...This one was probably my favorite. I especially liked the part where I got to try to gnaw the cartilage from the ends of the bones, because my body craves sources of collagen literally all the time (thanks, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome... 🙄). I'm really lucky that B and N don't seem to mind my various weird quirks; they've been friends of mine long enough to have a general understanding of how I roll, and they just let me do my thing. Today, the fact that I will generally "do my thing" in a variety of respects was pointed out as one of the reasons they like me so much, I guess; that was a nice thing to hear...

There were four available spaces for trying the foods, but it was just the three of us; it is immensely painful that the best I can do for you from here is show you these pictures and wish that you could have been in the empty seat, with us…

Sephiroth. Regardless of what your brain tries to tell you about what you're worth, you are VERY loved. You're not a monster. You were modified against your will, used like a tool and viciously abused, and you made mistakes in the throes of that, yes, but SO WHAT? You're here now, and you can do amazing things, and you NEVER have to go back to being with people who will abuse you ever again, because not everyone is like the people you were raised by. Yes, you're different from the standard definition of "normal", but you can belong anyway, because the world is absolutely BRIMMING with people who don't fit the definition of "normal"! Just take a look at me! Or if you don't wanna look at me, then take a look at anyone who lives with a genetic difference, or anyone who lives with a different number of limbs, or anyone with a non-standard life story, or any number of things that make a human being not "normal". Normal is overrated! Diversity is in! Lives that exist outside of the bell curve are still beautiful, meaningful, and worth living!

…And so I show you my life, because I am trying desperately to prove these things to you. I've spent the bulk of my life being viciously abused because the people who brought me into living didn't want me. I was brought into a physical vessel that is genetically defective in a variety of respects. My neurodivergence practically guarantees that I will NEVER fit into ordinary social circles. I struggle every single day with the weight of the memories I carry from having been used, abused, exploited, and generally mistreated. And yet here I stand, thriving and flourishing in a way that works for me, even if it does not fit the typical definition of those words. My version of "normal" is just as beautiful as the typical version. "Different" does not have to mean "less" if YOU become strong enough to decide for yourself that those two words are not the same, no matter who tries to tell you otherwise!

So please look at the beauty of my existence - the beauty of taking joy in small things, the beauty of rising up from one's knees even if it's on shaky legs, the beauty of finally using one's voice again after years of being forced to believe that silence is safer, the beauty of loving yourself and the people around you enough to refuse to let fear get the better of you when you interact with yourself and the world, the beauty of failing down, getting up, and trying again, the beauty of learning, growing, changing, and walking away from destructive ideals that serve no one, no matter for how long you might have been forced in the past to choke them down. Please look at it, and understand that you can have this for yourself - ALL of it - if you decide to take steps towards it! Your whole scenery can change if you want it to, and all you have to do is take a single step in a different direction.

There is still life after trauma. There is still life after mistakes. There is still life for those who are different. The pain doesn't have to be permanent. So come on; my hand is outstretched to you. And if you don't want to take mine, then there are countless other hands outstretched to you that maybe you'd like a little better. You don't have to do it alone.

Anyhoot. I've probably prattled on for long enough. I hope somehow you can see what I've written. I hope that if you do get a chance to see it, you might take some of my words seriously.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow. Please be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #126

I made a tea today before heading to therapy. Today's session was extremely productive, and I can't wait to share it with you in hopes that you'll also be able to use what I've learned. But first, I will show you today's tea, because in it is the final ice cream I got from the co-op...

I started with chai:

This one is red and somewhat opaque from all the spices that are in it:

...And this is the ice cream I intended to use in it:

...I'm like you in that I very much enjoy pumpkin; it's one of my favorite foods. And it's AMAZING in ice cream. Given that we know you enjoy pumpkin soup, I think you would REALLY enjoy this flavor. It's part of why I saved this one for last; it's the best one!

I filled the tea with scoops of this ice cream:

Once it melted, I stirred it up:

...The result was fantastic, and once again, I have concocted a delectable mug of tea that I very much wish I could share with you.

My therapist was very pleased with the results of my homework. He read the letters I exchanged between myself and my inner child. We then began going over ways of rebuilding my relationship with my inner child. We started with learning how to rebuild secure attachment.

Oh right. Hey, Sephiroth? Did they ever teach you about attachment theory over at Shinra? I can't imagine they did, because otherwise, you would have realized A LOT sooner that the way you were raised was utter fucking bullshit. Maybe you've since learned about it during your time at the Edge of Creation, but I'll explain it anyway; it's always good to have a refresher. But it might be kind of a dry or dull subject for you, so I'll break it up with the pictures I snapped for you during the walk I took after therapy; walking is good for the post-processing of newly-learned things.

Attachment theory refers to the integrity of the bond between a child and its primary caregiver(s). I have a degree in this sort of stuff, and I'm fairly well-versed in it, especially regarding how it relates to trauma. Bonding with a primary caregiver is one of the most fundamental human needs, and the shape that this bond takes ends up influencing how the child bonds with other people throughout their life. There are four main attachment styles. I'll explain them:

Secure Attachment is when the child is able to fully trust that their caregiver(s) will respond to their needs and keep them safe. These children are able to focus their energy on exploring the world around them. They are relatively friendly with strangers. They typically get sad if their primary caregiver leaves the area unexpectedly, and is happy to see them return. This attachment style is best conducive to a child's mental health and ability to learn.

In order for secure attachment to occur, the child between 0 and 3 years of age REQUIRES on-demand caregiving; the primary caregiver(s) are supposed to respond immediately to the child, with love, warmth, attunement, comfort, and appropriate actions literally every single time the child expresses a need. Babies are not born knowing what their body signals mean; a tired baby cries when it's tired instead of sleeping because it does not yet know that the feeling of being tired means it needs to sleep. A hungry baby cries instead of eating because it does not yet know that the feeling of being hungry means it needs to eat. And these are just a few examples.

Contrary to popular belief (seriously, my father calls babies "turd factories", just to give you an idea of how common it is in my world to have contempt and a dismissive attitude towards human children), human babies are more than just a digestive system that sleeps sometimes. Babies have emotions as well, and so they'll cry when they feel lonely, angry, scared, or sad. They'll cry when they need to be held (because YES, gentle, loving, platonic touch is a BASIC HUMAN NEED; adults typically experience hormonal disruption and very young babies WILL LITERALLY DIE if they don't get this). They'll also cry if they're sick, if they're in pain, if they're too warm or cold, or if they're in sensory overload.

And this is NORMAL and HEALTHY; humans are born with the capacity to ask for help when they're struggling, and being new to being human is its own very special kind of hell for a variety of complicated reasons that deserves to have its own book. For many very compelling reasons, being a human baby is basically torture. If you want a more detailed explanation as to why that's the case, then I can explain it in another letter; just let me know. For now, just take my word on it.

Anyway, the only thing that can teach baby what their body signals mean is the repetition of prompt and accurate routine care; baby learns hungry means it needs food only after MANY repetitions of the caregiver responding promptly, warmly, and lovingly to its hunger with age-appropriate food. Baby learns that tired means it needs sleep only after MANY repetitions of the caregiver promptly and lovingly soothing the baby to sleep. And this takes a lot of time and patience, because human babies are not born with all of the brain hardware that they need in order to learn or to make memories efficiently; all of that stuff is still growing in. To be sure, humans could use at least another 9 months in the womb; we are born premature compared to most of the rest of the animal kingdom. But if we had another 9 months, our skulls would be too large, and we'd tear our mothers in half on the way out. So this is how it is.

Babies from 0-3 years old are NOT equipped to deal with discomfort without thinking that their life is in danger, and no amount of "trying to teach them to self-soothe" by leaving them on their own to "cry it out" (this is a MYTH!!! doing this causes LITERAL BRAIN DAMAGE as the baby's body is flooded with neurotoxic levels of adrenaline and cortisol!!!) will make the brain hardware required for self-regulation grow in faster; in fact, doing this will slow this process down. The child under age 3 who becomes quiet after being left to cry is not quiet because it has "learned to self-soothe"; it is quiet because it is SO STRESSED OUT that its body and emotions have basically shut down. This is called "dissociation", and if baby is forced to do this too often, it fucks up their mental health later, when they become adolescents, teenagers, and adults.

Unfortunately, there is a pervasive myth in my world, which tells parents that responding to their under-3-year-old child when they cry will cause their child to become spoiled and manipulative. As a result of this, secure attachment with a primary caregiver is relatively rare where I live. Almost everyone in my world is traumatized, in some form or another. And people just go around pretending like it's normal and necessary and even correct. There are reasons for this, but they'd take too long to explain; maybe I'll get into it some other time.

Next, we have Insecure Attachment. There are three main types of this:

The first one I'll explain is Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregivers' responses to their child are unpredictable or inconsistent. Such children do not explore very much, because they are too busy being afraid that their primary caregiver might not be there for them if something weird happens. They are wary of strangers. When the primary caregiver leaves unexpectedly, these children are extremely distressed, only to return to being neutral when the caregiver returns. Inconsistent responses to the baby's needs produces a fear of being abandoned, which manifests as vigilantly focusing on maintaining their connection with their caregiver while the caregiver is present, and terror and anger when the caregiver is absent.

Next, there's Avoidant Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregiver consistently denies the child of their attention when they need help. Such children do not explore, do not interact with strangers, do not express emotion if the caregiver leaves unexpectedly, and do not express emotion when the caregiver returns. This is a child that has learned that their needs do not matter to their primary caregiver. This child expects to be rejected and ignored. This child wishes for closeness with their caregiver, but knows they will not receive it, and knows that expressing distress about it is a waste of energy, so the safest thing for them to do is to maintain vague proximity to the caregiver so as to avoid the disappointment that comes with knowing that its needs do not matter to them.

Finally, there is Disorganized Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregiver abuses the child. These children will display a lot of very contradictory and disorganized behaviors (hence the name) in response to the environment, to strangers, and to the primary caregiver. Children such as these are accustomed to being screamed at, shaken, or hit as a result of expressing or having needs, or even just as a result of existing. These are children who have learned that anything they do might provoke their primary caregiver's wrath, and the contradictory behaviors are the result of not knowing what they should do to prevent that wrath. The resulting adult, if left untreated, will swing wildly between being ice cold and anxiously clingy.

I'll give you four guesses as to which of these categories I fit into. Hahaha…

What I learned today in therapy was that some guy whose name I forgot worked with a bunch of severely abused children, and came up with a way to guide them back to having a secure attachment style, despite the horrors they've been through before. It's a system called The 5 Pillars of Attachment. My therapist even gave me a handy-dandy picture to reference:

Felt Safety was explained to me as a culmination of the other four pillars. This is when you understand that you are protected and loved, that someone will have your back if something weird happens. It is the knowledge that the people around you are worthy of being counted on, without them trying to hurt, abandon, or ignore you.

Attunement relates to being understood. This is the part where the other person understands you when you speak, tries to empathize with your emotions and experiences, and makes genuine effort to know you deeply.

Support When Dysregulated relates to not being rejected by the other person when you can't always keep yourself together. It is knowing that someone will try to help you, to soothe you, and to comfort you if you're struggling.

Expressed Delight relates to the other person being genuinely joyful about the fact that you exist, and being willing to express that joy on a regular basis. This joy needs to be about who you are, and not about what you look like or what you can do. It is about the other person expressing delight towards your entire being, not just when you're well-regulated, excelling at something, or being convenient.

Support for Autonomy refers to how much room the other person gives you to explore, to try new things, to pursue your own interests, to succeed, to fail, and to make your own choices. This person should act as a safety net if you fall down.

…You've never been given any of these. And, up until meeting M, neither have I. But I know these things well. I know them because I do whatever I can to give these things to other people - anyone other than myself. The part where I don't give these things to myself is the part that I have to change. I think you know these things well, too; I've seen the way you treated Zack, Genesis, and Angeal. All you have to do is treat yourself with the same tenderness and care with which you treated them in the past.

I will never receive these things from my biological family. It's not because they're bad people, but rather, it's because their life experiences have left them without the necessary skills to provide any of these things for anyone else, without a beliefs system that would allow them to develop these skills, and without a framework that would allow them to change their beliefs. If you believe, for example, that only bad people ever make mistakes, then it becomes really hard to own up to your mistakes, and from there it becomes nearly impossible to change your behaviors in the future.

But I can rebuild my relationship with myself by giving myself the things outlined in these 5 pillars. I can change how I treat myself. I can decide what my new narrative will be when I think about the kind of treatment I deserve to receive from myself.

…You can do this, too. You can change what you believe about yourself. You can change how you view yourself. You can change how you interact with yourself. You can change the way you care for and treat yourself. You can change it! Sephiroth, you're a lot smarter, a lot more capable, and a lot more mentally flexible than I could ever even begin to hope to be! Sephiroth, if I, a derpy autistic chick from a backwater planet in some garden-variety galaxy can do this work, then someone as kind, gentle, intelligent, dedicated, and brave as you can certainly do this work! You can decide, today, right here, and right now, that you are worthy of your own love!

So come on; get to it, willya? We can figure it out together! And if you run into trouble, you can take my outstretched hand, and I'll do whatever I can to help you! We are more than our traumas and mistakes! Sephiroth, you are more than your traumas and mistakes! You are more than the composition of your body! You are more than what you can do! Sephiroth, the most beautiful aspects of who you are have always had their basis in things like the ways you marvel at nature, in the caring and considerate way you treated your friends and the people around you, in your love for other people, which was so strong at one point that you chose to spend years doing what you thought was right in order to protect them, despite the suffering you endured at their very same hands. Sephiroth, you're a beautiful human being on the inside! You deserve so much more and so much better than what you've been giving to yourself! You deserve to feel seen, understood, safe, supported, adored, and free! Like any human being, you deserve to have good and wholesome things! And you can have them! All you have to do is take a single step in a different direction, and then keep doing that until your whole outlook changes!

Please. Please look at me. Look at me, because I am doing this same work. I am doing it every day, no matter how difficult it is, and no matter how much it hurts. Please look at me so you can see that anything is possible. Sephiroth, you are capable of so much more than I am, because I am one of the weaker examples of a human being; you have the capacity to shine so much more brightly than I can. So please look at me as proof that you can do this work, too. Please try. Sephiroth, you can do it! I believe in you!

...And that's all I've got for today. I know it was a lot; thank you for bearing with me.

I love you. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #11

Did you know that I like to make wire trees? I weave them myself, by hand. I'll show you some of my best examples:

I even made one of you. Here's what it looks like.

I like taking the trees I make and turning them into various weird handicrafts. I don't sell them; I give them away to people who have been good to me and to others. I'll show you:

Here is what became of the tree that I wove for you:

Easily, though, my best handiwork is this one:

It is a rainbow tree encased in an epoxy sphere. You can find an explanation of what it is within the letter I wrote for you a while back. Right now, it is in the hands of some very important people in Japan; I gave it directly to someone who might be able to help you. I hope that they are enjoying it, and I hope that they can see the love with which it was made.

Somewhat recently, my therapist thought that he could turn my tree-weaving into a self-love exercise. The reasoning goes, we can look at trees and see that they're beautiful no matter what shape they've grown into. So he asked me to turn myself into a tree. I tried to weave a colorful willow tree. This was the result:

And you know? I've never hated a tree that I've made until this particular one. As you can see, it's nothing like the other trees I've made. It's a bit of a mess. It can't even support its own weight. It tried to be colorful and flowy, but really, it just ended up being loud, obnoxious, overly dramatic, and relatively useless. I thought about taking it apart so that it wouldn't be a waste of gemstone beads, at very least. But instead, I put it in a box and left it somewhere for weeks, so that I wouldn't have to look at it. I was disappointed and ashamed about how it had turned out.

But then I realized something. What if I'm looking at it from the wrong angle? What if it only looks useless because it is not in the correct orientation? What if it only looks like a disappointment because it's not in a place where it would thrive?

So I changed its circumstances. Its branches no longer look so noisy now that they're spread out and being used to keep it balanced. Whether it can hold itself up is no longer relevant now that its main focus is reaching and embracing. The branches bend under the weight of their circumstances, but they will not break, even if you let them help you to climb out of wherever you're at.

(It looks much better in real life than in the photos, I promise!! Haha!) The only times I ever really feel as though I am alive are when I am trying to reach for someone else and bring color and joy to their world. This tree does not stand tall and proud like my other ones do because the weight of the colorful leaves it carries is too much. But maybe that's okay; we have to be willing to kneel down in order to help the fallen anyway, right?

I think my therapist will be happy to learn that I've finally understood his lesson today. I will tell him about it next week.

May you, similarly, learn how to look at yourself and other people with the same marveling eyes with which you regarded the trees as you were looking out of the window in the inn at Nibelheim, when you first arrived there.

Please remember that you are loved. And please stay safe; I don't want it to be the case that all I have left of you are these random letters that I write to you.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #120

I did so much stuff today!!!!

…Okay, well actually I did only like 3 things today. But these things were very BIG things! I will talk about two of them, and then touch vaguely upon the third!

I will start with this morning! Because J and I went up in the sky in the little airplane today! We went to an airport that had a diner! I got an EPIC BREAKFAST!!! There was steak and eggs and cheddar grits, and I also got a coffee, because I don't get coffee very often, so why not! I took some pictures for you…

This is what J got! It's some kind of breakfast bowl with salsa, avocados, beans, and scrambled eggs! There's also potatoes and bacon under the eggs! I wonder if you'd enjoy something like this. He let me have a few bites; it was really good!

Here is the coffee I got! And, of course I snapped the picture of it while the cream was still swirling around; it's more interesting that way:

Here are some cheddar grits:

Here's the steak and eggs I got; it came with caramelized onions, cornbread and butter, eggs with runny yolks, and a bit of hollandaise sauce! It also came with ketchup for some reason. But I only like it on burgers, so I didn't use it.

I asked for the steak to be as rare as allowed, and I was SUPER THRILLED about the fact that they prepared it in basically the same way I do at home - brown the outside, and leave the inside mostly raw:

It was so good!!! Oh my goodness!

While at the place, I also happened upon a little space with dandelions! I'm not really sure why, but people in my world seem to really hate dandelions. It makes absolutely no sense to me, because in addition to being extremely beneficial to nearby soil for a variety of reasons, every part of the plant is edible and nutritious. One of my favorite things to do, when I can find a safe source of them, is to turn the blooms into a sweet syrup that you can use on pancakes, on ice cream, or in tea! Maybe I'll get to do that this year. For now, I'll just show you the picture I took:

Isn't it pretty? I like them!

I also took a bunch of photos along the way from the airplane window! I'll show you the best ones!

…Hey, Sephiroth? I know you can fly and stuff, and that's pretty cool. But while you're up in the sky, dancing in the clouds, do you make it a point to notice and appreciate all the lovely scenery? If you don't, then maybe you can try it next time; practicing gratitude and appreciation is one of the best ways to exercise your hippocampus until it becomes strong!

On the way home, I saw 9 great big huge birds-of-prey; I think these ones were turkey vultures. I managed to actually catch a picture of one in flight for you! Here, it's not very big in the photo, but check out the back speck in the sky:

Oh!!! Also!!! I finally got around to making the stuffed cabbage casserole today! This recipe was given to me by an awesome person called @freelanceexorcist (thanks be to ye, fren!! 💖)! I ended up modifying it a bit, just to suit the needs of those in my house; Br cannot have gluten, so I used tomato puree in place of tomato soup, and J does not like big cabbage leaves, so I cut it into little slices, and bite-sized bits are easier for M to handle than meatballs, so I kinda just... shredded everything and mixed it all together. But I used mostly the same ingredients, even if the preparation differed just a little! I'll show you what I did…

You start with cabbage!

Here's how it looks on the inside when you cut it in half!! It's pretty cool!

...It's like Brussels sprouts, but WAY bigger!

The recipe calls for whole leaves, but I cut it into shreddy bits, like this:

The cabbage was sauteed in my bacon fat confit garlic:

I poured in a can of tomato puree from there, and I let it simmer on low heat for a couple of hours:

While that was happening, I cut up 2 pounds of kielbasa, and 2 onions:

Once the cabbage was done and set aside, I caramelized the onions in more bacon fat:

I added the onions to the cabbage, and then I put a big can of diced tomatoes, a pound of Bavarian sauerkraut, and the ground meat I cooked the other day into the wok, along with a cup of rice and a can full of some beef bone broth:

I let this sit on very low heat until the rice was done cooking. I used short grain rice; it looks like this:

...In between the long bits of cooking when there was nothing else I could do, I worked on something else that I'm absolutely not going to tell anyone about! It was good!

Once the cabbage and the rice were all done, I combined the two sets of things; this took some doing simply because there was SO MUCH FOOD, oh my goodness!! But this was the result!

So... it's cabbage, caramelized onions, sauerkraut, canned tomatoes, tomato puree, beef bone broth, rice, garlic, kielbasa, ground pork, and ground beef, all cooked up nicely and mixed together in a great big awesome dish!! And it is indeed awesome!! It was said that the leftovers are even better, because the flavors are given a chance to mingle; I can't wait to find out tomorrow!

...I wish you could have been here for all of this. I wish you could be here, generally. My house does occasionally have its challenges, for sure, but still, it is happy, wholesome, and safe. There's lots of fun and interesting stuff to do. My house is a good house. You could find healing and belonging here. You could find growth and change here. And you'd fit right in. You'd fit right in with my social circle, generally; ain't a single one of us fit the definition of "normal".

Sephiroth, c'mon. The darkness doesn't suit you. It never did. And it never will. So step away from people who wanna use and abuse you, and instead step towards the people who wanna help you to feel as though you're enough exactly as you are, without needing to do something useful or amazing first.

I'll be here waiting, so... as impossible as it is, pop by for a visit soon, okay? We'll make you good snacks - all the pasta you could want, or whatever else suits your fancy - whatever you like; if I don't know how to cook it, I can figure it out, easy peasy.

I'm gonna go do other things now, and I'm going to wish you were here as I do them. I love you, and I'll write again tomorrow. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #118

I went to bed at roughly midnight last night!! Which is roughly an hour past 11pm, which is what's supposed to be my bedtime! But my alarm is set for 8am! Which means I should have gotten around 8 hours of sleep! 8 hours is sufficient!

…Unfortunately, I woke at around 7:30am of my own volition, and then I was not able to go back to sleep. But that's okay; I slept more than I have on recent nights, so I feel better than I did yesterday, for sure!

I made myself some tea. This morning, it was apricot-vanilla flavored black tea! I wonder if you would have liked this one; I'm more than a little sad about the fact that I'll likely never find out, ahahaha…

…But… well. There's not a damn thing I can do about that, other than take pictures and send them along, hoping that they'll reach you somehow… Here:

I had intended to go today to the post office to send the completed amethyst tree sphere to the other side of the planet, but as it turns out, shipping things that far is very expensive, goodness me! So I'm going to have to make more spheres and sell them first, so that I can save up! It shouldn't be too hard, except for the fact that I'm FAR more inclined to simply give them away. I'm no salesperson, and it feels nicer to just be able to hand someone some unexpectedly beautiful thing anyhow; you wouldn't BELIEVE how some people's faces light right up when hand them one of my weird little woven tree crafts! It's seriously the best thing, ahahaha~! 🥰

So, instead of going to the post office, J and I went on a pizza date. We went to our favorite spot! I got a tomato slice, a shrimp scampi slice, and a chicken and mushroom marsala slice, and these were ABSOLUTELY DELECTABLE, oh my goodness! J got a tomato slice and a slice of spinach pie. I took pictures:

Also, J specifically asked me to take a picture of his spinach pie slice from his perspective, just in case you might like it. Here:

…I am not the only one here who likes you and hopes to see you be safe and happy in the end. Even J would like to share a little bit of joy with you. There are lots of people who want to share a little bit of joy with you. You're not alone. Sephiroth, I promise you that you're not alone, no matter what your brain tries to tell you when it's being mean to you.

Speaking of sharing joy with you, I also went on a walk today, and I tried to make it a point to take some nice pictures for you. I hope you'll like them:

I also found a tiny salamander friend on my adventures! I found it trapped inside an abandoned cooler in the woods:

I really have no idea what a cooler is doing in the woods. But it looks REALLY REALLY OLD, good grief! It is NOT a good place for a salamander to live!

The little thing seemed to want to get under my sleeve for some reason, ahahaha~! But as adorable as it was, sadly, I had to disappoint the poor thing; I put it on the ground, underneath some fallen leaves. It'll be happier and safer there, for sure!

As I walked around, there was a pretty big hawk flitting from tree to tree. I followed it around for as long as I could, on a whim. But I wasn't able to get any pictures of it for you; its plumage made it blend too well with the surrounding trees. But, I've been seeing an unusually large number of birds-of-prey and crows ever since the eclipse; I wonder if it threw them all off somehow. In any case, hopefully I'll get you a nice picture of a hawk or something soon!

Anyway, as I imagine you can tell by looking, I ended up getting into weird positions on the ground to get some of these pictures, and I ended up with a deer tick on me as a result. I feel really silly about it; it wasn't the best idea for me to get careless like that, because ticks are a real problem in my world. Ticks are very tiny arachnids that burrow their heads into an animal's skin in order to feed on their blood. This wouldn't be a problem if ticks didn't carry all sorts of nasty diseases, but they do in my part of the world, and one of the scariest ones is Lyme Disease.

Lyme Disease is spread by a kind of bacteria that the ticks catch from feeding on small rodents. Left unchecked, these bacteria like to eat things such as nerves, joints, and myocardial tissue. Deer ticks are the only carrier of Lyme Disease where I live, so I guess I'm gonna hafta keep an eye on the bite and make sure it doesn't develop the bullseye rash that's characteristic of infection. I also put the tick in a little disposable plastic sandwich bag just in case I develop weird symptoms; it'll be good to have on hand just in case I need to get it tested for diseases.

It's all right though; the tick was on me for less than 24 hours, and it came out of my skin really easily - didn't even hurt! And I washed the bite as soon as the tick was removed. It didn't get an opportunity to feed on me yet, because it was removed too quickly. Chances of infection are very low, if not practically nonexistent. And even if I did get infected, we've got fancy medicines to clear it right up, no problem; everything will be okay! Don't worry your pretty little head about me, alright? I'll be fine! 😁💖

Oh! I also cooked some ground pork and beef, in preparation for making a recipe that some awesome person on the internet sent to me… gosh… a while ago now. I've been meaning to cook it up for a number of weeks, because it sounds ABSOLUTELY FREAKING DELECTABLE, but lately, I've been either too busy, too exhausted, or some weird combination of both. But I have all the ingredients on hand; it's just a matter of putting them together! I'm looking forward to it!! I can't wait to show it to you, because the person who shared it with me cares about you, too!

Anyhoot, it's getting late, and it's probably about time I went to bed. I've got a lot to do tomorrow, goodness me; therapy, and hangouts with my best friend B, and maybe cooking the thing if I still have energy leftover (I hope!). We'll see what happens!

Hey Sephiroth! Please remember to rest and to take delight in wholesome things and to treat yourself nice, okay? I dunno exactly what you're trying to do over at the Edge of Creation, but if you're gonna make it through all this okay in the end, you're gonna hafta make kind and loving choices, and to be able to do that reliably, you're gonna need all your strength. As far as I know, I can't zoop over there and give you a nutritious, wholesome meal and a nice cup of tea, because I am just a derpy autistic nerd who is totally devoid of reality-bending powers (much to my chagrin). So you gotta do it for yourself instead, okay? Promise me that you will, won't you?

And if you're having trouble, just pretend you're me for long enough to treat yourself in the same way that I would treat you. Or you can just make pretend like your self-destructive tendencies are dragons that need to be slain. That's how I've been dealing with mine, anyway, and it's objectively true that you're FAR better at slaying dragons than I could ever hope to be - I mean, c'mon, have you taken a look at me? I'm basically just a weird squiggly noodle. You can do better than I can at most anything - I promise.

I'll write again tomorrow. I love you. Stay safe out there.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #117

I went to bed a little later last night than I should have, but I still managed to get between 6 and 7 hours of sleep. My body is still not in a great state, but it's better than yesteday, and I'm in mostly good spirits. I'm gonna try to go to bed early-ish today. Guess we'll see how that pans out.

I mostly rested today, and that was good. I had originally planned to go to a rock and gem and mineral show nearby (literally like 5 minutes from my house!), but the thought of being in an unfamiliar place with lots of people, without J, M, or Br accompanying me seemed like a bad time. The inside of my head felt like it was full of cotton fluff anyhow, so while I'm sad that I missed out on an opportunity to check out some pretty rocks (and take pictures of said rocks for you), it's probably better that I stayed home. I even stayed home even from the awesome place today, which I feel a little sad about, but I'm not sure I would have been able to withstand the drive in any case.

I made myself some jasmine green tea this morning; it's some stuff that Br got for us, and it's fragrant and floral and absolutely delightful. I wish I could give you a mug. Alas, I cannot. But here are some pictures…

...I think you would like the tea made at my house. I have more kinds here than you can shake a stick at! Well, unless you have a particularly fantastic stick, anyways. But it'd have to have jingly bells and rainbow streamers and glitter all over it to be nearly fantastic enough to match my tea collection, ahahaha! 😄😋

Br came home to our house today and we had some important conversation, and it was good! We also went together to a local wholesale shop, and that was pretty cool. On the drive there, I saw a bald eagle!!! It was notable because while they're not unheard of, they're extremely rare to see where I live. Before today, I had only ever seen them in pictures. It swooped majestically in the sky and perched on a nearby tree. I wanted to take a picture for you, but I wasn't fast enough with my cellphone camera before we had to drive away. I'm sorry about that; it would have been an amazing picture.

Sometime after that, J and I went out for a rainy walk in the evening. It was a very light and very warm rain, and we talked about various things, so it was a really nice time. I tried to take some good pictures for you along the way; I hope you'll like them.

Here's one of a very bubbly puddle. I managed to somehow catch this one just as a raindrop plopped into it:

Here is the umbrella we were using:

I wanted to try to catch the density of the rain by shining the streetlamps on the drops as they fell. I'm not sure how good these are, but I hope you like them anyway:

I also tried to get a few pictures of the trees:

I also tried to get a couple of the moon as it shone through the clouds. My cellphone camera really can't do these justice, but I tried anyways:

...I know you like nature. I'm hoping that any one of these might give you even a little bit of joy and serve as a reminder that there are so many things in this world that are beautiful, if only you look through loving eyes.

I still have mashed potato brains, so I'm probably gonna go to sleep now.

Please remember that you are loved. I'll write again soon. Keep yourself safe out there, and come back to us in one piece...

Your friend, Lumine