lzucid - Tumblr blog

[lzucid]

ㅡ 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞.

you hurt me.

if you're the one who hurt me, why am i the one constantly apologising to you?

the day i found out, a piece of me died. you killed me, you're a murderer. these are exactly your words. it's ironic, you hurt me, you betrayed me, yet you act like it was a mistake, as if it was an accident. you say you're sorry, and i've forgiven you. but why does it feel like what you did, is my fault? i don't understand. i have so much hurt in my heart, you told me to open up, why are you making this about yourself now that i did? i've lost words. i don't know what to say. just, how could you? and why would you? why didn't you think it was wrong? how come it's my fault after i opened up? how come problems about me are being pointed out once i expressed my feelings? this isn't fair. this isn't fair at all. maybe it's my fault. maybe it's my fault that you hurt me, i'm sorry.

𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞.

[lzucid]

ㅡ 𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭.

ılıl﹔ ◌ 𓂂 ˳⁺ 🌙 ⊹ ⋆ ࣪

ㅡ i know that there is no hope left for me anymore. what i had wished for, there's no possible way for it to happen. the time i have left is only a few hours, to still desperately pray for a miracle. but even if i do have hope, and even if i still wait for a miracle, it's still funny to me that i have not yet let go of what was once memories. it's funny how i still keep hoping for the impossible. perhaps it's that, this was my first time experiencing true happiness. and i do not want to let go of it, i do not want to accept the harsh reality, even though so much time has passed. i just cannot seem to accept how my life is right now. i cannot help but sigh as i think of how easy my life was once. before everything fell apart. i have stopped being, myself. i really hate myself for that. i don't understand why i have let one event stop my entire life. nothing in my life has changed, except for just one thing. i could be happy with my life right now, but i do not allow myself to be happy. that is because i cannot yet, accept reality. and i cannot seem to let things go. i cannot, and do not want my happiness to be a temporary memory in my mind. but honestly, i always question myself, "why have i not stopped hoping? why have i not accepted life?" ㅡ but what's the point, i always go back to being delusional anyways.

[lzucid]

ㅡ 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐠𝐨.

᧓ ﹒ 🔭 ༻ .ﾟ۪﹙☆̲

ㅡ how could you have said that? how could you say that to me, without once thinking the impact your careless words would have on me? it's as if you don't care. did it mean nothing to you? was it only a waste of your time? maybe it was. i apologise. 𝐢 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐝𝐨.

[lzucid]

[lzucid]

THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT <3

you guys, this was my first time writing and i didn't expect to get ANY attention at all. even if it might be little to others, it's still a lot to me so tysm!!

should i write more?-

[lzucid]

ㅡ 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭.

pairing : choi beomgyu x reader.

summary : you and beomgyu are in a healthy and established relationship, just showcasing how much you love each other and how much of a sweet angel he is. <3

ꗃ : ˖ ۫◖𓂃⌁.˖ ࣪ ャﾞ

song : "sweet" by cigarettes after sex.

it's so sweet.

knowing that you both absolutely love and adore each other. the way beomgyu loves you, it's an indescribable feeling. it's absolutely ethereal, he's absolutely ethereal. choi beomgyu, is he a human being, or an angel sent to earth? he just loves and admires you so much, he appreciates every single bit of you. the most simplest things in your relationship with him are more than enough to bring a smile to your face.

ꗃ : ˖ ۫◖𓂃⌁.˖ ࣪ ャﾞ

beomgyu lazily runs his fingers through your hair, smiling at you while he does so.

"y/,n?" he asks in a soft tone.

"hm?" you respond, your eyes closed as you continue to enjoy his simple presence beside you.

"i love you" ㅡ he says, getting his fingers out of your hair before leaning down onto your face, leaving a small kiss on your lips, smiling.

him randomly saying "i love you" and peppering you with kisses wasn't anything new, he had done it so much, it just felt weird if you randomly didn't hear him say it.

you only smile in response, opening your eyes to look up at him before sitting up, giving his cheek a soft kiss.

"don't you love me as well?" he says, pouting his lips as he leans towards you a little. you shrug your shoulders and purse your lips, grinning cheekily before answering, "i don't know, do I?" you respond, letting a few giggles out as you know what's about to come. beomgyu crosses his arms before hovering over you and attacking your body with his fingers, tickling you a little as a warning. "say it back, love" he gives you a playful glare. you look at him with doe eyes, keeping your mouth shut. "you asked for this" he says before starting to tickle the absolute life out of you. screaming, giggling, and yelling is all that can be heard. after about 15 seconds of beomgyu tickling you, you're already fighting him back as if there isn't tomorrow. trying your best to block him with your arms, and kicking him of course, you give up on trying to fight him back, breathing heavily as you start yelling. "okay okay i get it now stop!! beomgyu STOPP!!!" you scream, on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. "i need to hear you say it first!" he pauses his actions for a little before threatening you with his fingers again. "okay FINE I LOVE YOU TOO CHOI BEOMGYU GODDAMN IT" you yell out, trying to catch your breath as you notice him devilishly grinning, clapping his hands as he chuckles to himself after achieving victory.

"you little shit" you breathe out, glaring at beomgyu as he stops whatever he was doing, only to glare back at you and raise his hands, threatening you with his fingers again, "did you say something baby?" he grins at you. you quickly get up and grab the nearest pillow, using it as a shield against him before squeaking out, "n-no i didn't, AHAHA when did i say anything??" you say, making him laugh out loudly as you sit with your arms crossed, pouting your lips. he looks at you with fake sympathy and sits down lazily, patting his lap as he signals you to sit there. you crawl over to his lap before snuggling yourself in there. beomgyu watches you get comfortable as he giggles, admiring your ever so cute self. soon afterwards, he scoops you up into his arms and lays down on the bed, wrapping his skinny yet muscular arms around you. he nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck before speaking softly. "you smell like that lotion, i really love it. it reminds me of that video i took" he says, making you look at him. "video? what video?" you ask, making him look up at you with a pout. "oh y'know, that video. the one where you were applying lotion and drying your hair after getting out of the shower" he says before smiling at you. you playfully hit him and whine "stopp i look so bad in the video!! especially my body, it looks so bad there" you mumble, making him sit up as he hovers over you, looking into your eyes with a visible frown on his face. "don't you dare say that, you're absolutely beautiful and i'm obsessed with that video, i'm obsessed with your body" he says, before wrapping an arm around your waist, leaning towards you. "but you know what makes my heart skip a beat? your pretty smile. you looked like an absolute goddess in that video, and you still do. you always look like a goddess. so i better not hear my pretty angel say anything like this again, understand?" he says, staring straight into your soul. oh god, his gaze on you made you feel so small and vulnerable. you felt so little and petite. you give him a smile, nodding your head as you blink your eyes a few times in attempt of getting rid of the pearly beads of water that was around your eyes. he really did make you feel like a goddess, it was absolutely unbelievable how someone could be so angelic. you sigh softly before responding, smiling at him.

"i understand. i love you so much, gyu"

"i love you more, my angel. more than you could ever think of"

and the next thing you know, you were scooped up in his arms, cuddling as you both fell asleep to the warmth of each other's presence.

✦%˖ ࣪ ꒷⁩ ࣪˖ ⌕ ャ! ❛𒀭̠𓂃

[lzucid]

ㅡ 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞?

funny.

it was funny to her, how everyone reached out to her, except the person she expected to reach out the most.

last night. so, what exactly happened last night?

nothing much, slaps across the face, hair being pulled, stomach being kicked, unnecessary screaming, muffled sobs.

it was all her god forsaken mother. the one who abused her. i had mentioned this before, that her mother was abusive. last night was many of the nights where the poor girl got beaten up for no absolute reason.

thoughts, really bad thoughts arose in her mind. she couldn't keep everything to herself, she couldn't tell people exactly what happened either.

well, except her bestfriend.

instagram, what an app huh? that's where she decides to rant about the feelings she kept to herself, hoping people would reach out to her and comfort her.

comfort. being comforted was all she wanted at that moment. by her friends, her best friend, and especially her lover.

so, what did she do? ranted about her feelings in this little place called "close friends list" ㅡ hoping no one would ask anything, but at the same time, reach out to her.

what she wanted to do most, was cry in her boyfriend's arms, complain about her life to him, cry about everything that happened that night, all the bruises she received.

but oh silly her, she was one to be very shy. she couldn't have just simply complained to HIM about HER life problems, could she??

when she ranted, she wanted people, specifically her lover to reach out.

"is this wrong? am i seeking sympathy in a wrong way? i just want people to know that i'm not fine. but i simply can't just message them about it"

.......

....

a few minutes had passed. she kept on checking who saw her rant and who didn't. well, her boyfriend did see her story.

but what broke her most was, he didn't reach out to her.

"my pretty girl, mine, my angel" ㅡ what were the use of calling her all these pretty names, if you aren't even gonna reach out to your damn girlfriend who's clearly suffering, god damn it.

all she wanted was comfort, in the hands of her beloved lover ㅡ who didn't give a damn even after seeing that there was something wrong going on in his girlfriend's life.

he read it, he read it all. starting from how her eyes were blood red from crying so much, to how she contemplated on speaking out against the abuse, even how she had bruises and how much it hurts.

"you're my f*cking lover, don't you care about me?? i ranted in this stupid close friends list story about how i'm suffering and you don't care?? you couldn't give a damn about reaching out? asking me what's wrong? do you even love me?? i'm suffering over here. why can't you just simply ask what's wrong, that's more than enough."

drip, drop.

down her cheek. by the time she looked up at the mirror, she saw the pearly beads of water gather around her eyes, before falling down ever so softly.

if only i could tell him all of that, but i can't.

is it wrong that i seek validation and sympathy? is it wrong that i want to be comforted by the person whom i love most? is it wrong that i'm upset because the person whom i love most, didn't reach out to me after seeing that i am clearly suffering?

stupid instagram stories. look at where we are. we're so embarrassed and shy to just talk to someone directly, that now we add to our stories, writing about our feelings, in hopes of people reaching out.

it's just upsetting, that he didn't even care to ask what was wrong even after seeing that i wasn't okay.

but this silly girl, she was so immersed in current situations, her poor self didn't see what could come next.

[lzucid]

ㅡ 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞.

ㅡ a smile, was what appeared on her face when she picked up the phone. eager to talk to someone after she had just returned home after a few exhausting hours that were spent in school. an exam took place that day, and she came home to hear the compliments and questions about how the examination went, the little "i'm proud of you" ㅡ which made her heart race.

to hear? my mistake, *expecting to hear.

hear from who, you may ask?

oh you know, him.

the love of her life.

the person who always made her heart race.

he usually asked the girl questions about how her exam went, and always reminded her of how proud he was. knowing very well she liked to hear the compliments and the words.

however, the past three days had been different.

"it's probably because i didn't text him about my exam or told him i came home from school, i just casually texted him"

so that's why, she decided to notify him.

"hi! sorry for the late reply, i just came back home from my exam"

typing..

....

***** sent you a message

smiling, she took her phone in the palm of her hand, expecting to read that small text that made her heart race so much and made her happy. it was strange, how a simple "i'm proud of you" or "how did your exam go?" text made her so happy.

i guess, she just liked and appreciated the smallest things in life.

enough thinking, what message did he send??

......

....

"I took a nap and now I can't sleep"

oh.

no questions?

no "how did the exam go?" ??

she wasn't gonna hear, "i'm proud of you" from anyone??

maybe she was just overthinking about a dumb, silly thing.

or maybe, it's just the fact that her mom just asked how the exam went, and never said if she was proud of her child or not.

her mom was never fond of her, she was abusive. expected too much. she was an alright mom usually to the girl, but most of the time, the girl got screamed at, beaten up, never got appreciated for the efforts she put in. she never understood why her mom treated her this way.

maybe she just wanted someone to show her a little love.

she was sensitive, maybe that's why she was getting upset over nothing.

her boyfriend being bad at expressing his love, didn't help either.

" stupid idiot, why are you getting sad over such a small thing? get it together "

she put her phone down, closed her eyes and let a soft sigh out.

" it's okay, no one cares anyway "

it's so dumb, why was she getting upset over such a stupid thing?

" alright, pretend like nothing is wrong and talk to him. "

maybe that wasn't what she was upset about, maybe something else happened last night which made her upset. i wonder what it could be?

[lzucid]

hello, everyone ^__^

this is just gonna be a sort of vent account where i write whatever i want to. i don't really know how to use tumblr so- wish me luck !!