magpie-moon

[magpie-moon]

unrecognizable even to my own eyes

Who are you?

A hearth of fire, my eyes blind

With the weight of drums beating

A caustic rhythm of a funeral pyre

Who am i to sing within a cage

Bedecked with gold and virtue

An ivory tower, i engage a fight

To behold my own beneath the stars

Breath air not tainted with love, smothering me

Another avalanche

Come unearth a livid corpse

Lurid in the light, a denouement

I have served my course

Who are you?

Another one of you

Another planet with gravity

Another sun to eclipse your own

I am reflected

Desiccated within glass

A bug on the mantle destined to be seen and not heard

A bird

Just a little bird to be seen and not heard

Who are you?

A light and love eternal

A dove in flight

A flower ever in bloom

I witness of my own destruction, i anticipate the day i spill my cards

Rearrange the dusk to dawn, truth be told

I am numb and drawn, closer every moment to saying things i should not

The thing about self-preservation is that you wilt

You weigh happiness against peril

And come out losing every time

Always waiting, there will never be an opportunity

You will never say,

Say it with me slowly,

Deliberate the sounds.

You have never beheld them, but for me, do it now.

Child.

Grandchild.

No, not the other. Never that

Say it with me now.

Sibling.

Spouse.

Who are you?

Please, i have told you, say it with me now

You will never tell them

The space they take up is too much

Not enough

Your heart swells against the boundaries of overabundant love

You are empty

You are never hugged

But every light burns, they are a thousand little suns

Never meant to be touched

It reminds you that they will never learn, never try, only sink their

Claws into you and expect the world from your unsubstantial hands

Who are you?

They complain they don’t know you anymore

But did they ever sit down and talk to you?

Were they ever more cursory, polite, and uninterested

Verging on negligent only to hound you till you cry

Invade your space and spy

Always spying like you are less than a person

A servant to fill their wasted emotions

Make them proud, hold them down

Never let them see you cry, it makes them feel as if they are the bad guy

Make believe you don’t care

(you care. You’ve never not cared)

Who are you?

The marks along the walls

Remind me of what could have been

The test and stress of time etched in scars The rising of the tide abides

My shoulders hunched

My head a hanging sun against the sky Give me a good look; a reason to believe

I long to rise, fly

Who am i?

A liar to myself and others

Saying i am just tired, that everything's alright Something kept on a tight leash, an animal

A flight risk

A solitary moon, a concoction of you and your enemies

Terrorize the night with a screech owl’s plight

I sing for recognition but i

Am unrecognizable even to my own eyes

[magpie-moon]

well I love you, little dove

Just another depressed kid on the interwebs With ao3 and tumblr as my domain They think we’re all the same We have a hive mind. Aren’t you with the times? They say its normal adolescence But i don’t think it's typical to press blades into my thighs and lick up the essence To never make a mess and hide the evidence But it might be, i guess i’m just guessing And anyway that's an oversimplification, a dramatization Ignoring all the maybe ptsd, and trauma, the abuse, neglect and obsessive compulsive, adhd, anxiety and depression An obstinate delinquent, perhaps even anger issues. Here's a confession For 16 years everyone told me what to do, threatened me with violence And spent up all my mileage Now i’m just a rusted old jukered that gets grumpy when you try to fix me That screams when you try to change me To save me And really, it’s an art, being this foolish Like never missing a shooting star Or being able to always open jelly jars But now i’m about to derail all my plans As if they were ever attainable anyway Like those clouds and good math grades. Or ways to avoid getting caught with contraband for longer than six month and not being late for calls or never breaking anyone’s trust falls And well, maybe I move too fast. I’m speeding down a road, it's foggy. Not sure if that's slick black ice Or wet asphalt, shiny in the headlights 100 miles per hour when my speed should be 20 And i’ve always thought about my own mortality

Maybe it's just the morbid in me But stopping now would be fatal, just like giving me hope Like a noose around my neck, they gave me rope And i tied it, jumped from the ledge (and usually they took shortcuts along the ledge, one day they fell on the man below. His grieving widow encased him in crystal and warned people to be careful of people who fall from ledges like pigeon poop from pedestals. Oh, the circus of the mad) My neck all cracked like stained glass Cleaning up would be a pain Like cleaning up after twisters or fights in the rain, Forest fires or spilled milk in the dead of night I wish i were out of sight out of mind But really just i wish i had you in my sights Like literally, physically here with me Because i never learned how to put up walls Or separate tomorrow from eternity But now it's over, i’m at your beck and call It sometimes strikes me funny when you ask If i wanna deal with you when your burning up the sun When you can’t sit still and your brain is overrun Because honestly its kinda sick how much it turns me on In my mind, i help you out I kiss you dizzy, up against the lockers just before last period And whisper threats, i make you wait Your always desperate I'm always demanding In love with the way my imaginary you cries out with each little death I keep going, i never want it to end But really i just want you here, even though it kinda scares me Cause what if you leave as soon as you arrive

Or you realize i’m not that great at taking constructive criticism or even just compromise And you get tired of all things you thought you liked My endearing attributes that only end in spite Like the way i take long naps, or can’t cook to save my life Disorganized, careless and nothing ever gets done quite right And i’ll push you away eventually Even if it's just for a little while Cause i get tired and irritable Pissed off, unsatisfiable At best i’m annoying, at worst downright irredeemable I’m sorry in advance Sometimes i just need you too tell me i look decent When really my eyes are my only saving grace Isn’t that right? Once you called them mesmerizing Twice you called them stunning Thrice you called them lovely Well i love you, little dove And really, i just want a hug

[magpie-moon]

I am a dawn

My heart yearns for a bloom of fire, morning sun

to end this devastating numb

I have become a creature 

Bereft of comfort, habit consumed by harmony

It haunts, fair in golden-pale sunlight

I plead with a star blurred hope

That the crosses i bear will lessen with age

And the teeth gnawing on these hollow bones

The marrow sucked dry from

Luminous winter nights, over and under, trapping weaves in baskets keen

For warmth beneath this great dark eye, will finally glimpse

The sky and see

Purity, breathe through holes poked in the afterlife 

So bright, the fantomes fly home

A windless and cold tribunal

A funeral, staring at a body that might once have been mine

Dressed in the clothes they chose for me, my hair shines

Lips burn red, bright in candlelight

Igniting the waste

I am squandered on sympathy

Empathetic tyranny 

Understand my place, inhale with my lunges

And feel my heavy heart beat with every blood filled pump

I am deceased

Undercovers, find me 

I am lost, soul searching only left me

In a search of higher places 

In debt, my heart wants for wider spaces

To hold me down

The crying never stops, it only slows 

Keep me with you always, i might drown in brevity 

Aching for serenity 

Lover, love me dearly 

For if you ever stop i fear i might stop being

A person in this plane, existing for existence sake

I pray

For something

Someone to keep me safe 

But the fall of rain matches the patter of her breath

Footsteps heaving, hear her on the steps

Nightmares at the door, i slept so well these last few nights

But nothing, save nothingness, ever lasts. I’m breaking

Swelling at the seems, clashing, i’ve never been seen

Only perceived with preconceived notions 

Hold me back, i may run, dressed in nothing but a rash decision 

Caressed by darkness, give me strength to sever and create

Hold me still, for thrashing under weight only brings injury

My eternity, cut short, please exhale life unto me 

And give me another start, a chance at flight

Hold on to fragile butterfly wings 

They break so simply, try to see me. Truly see me 

Please 

Revive me in my hardship, running only makes them faster, grasping further with sticky 

hands

Devour my fear, my hunger, my sickness

Eat my innocence and retch it up, its hurts doesn’t it?

This frail naivete kept hidden, degrading under constant pressure

Understating its devine measure

Humiliation lasts a lifetime, praise but a second 

And I can only lie in bed and count my ceiling fan’s rotation as if they were sheep and i 

a shepard

An exodus of sleep rending me from tranquility. Its lovely, however, no answer to my 

many questions

And the hunger never ends, my sin an overwhelming din above a cliff’s searing edge

I was born and shall die with my eyes unmasked, not to be blinded by the pretty lies 

they said, its so telling

How he won’t have anything to do with me

A devil child of her own heart, raised and bred by her blood

And later trapped in his maw, surrounded by wolves so cruel and so drawn

I grew and became 

A sword too dull to use, i cannae cut anything but myself 

And even then it only bruises 

My words pierce like spears, thrown so hard i tumble in after them

Threatened and deceived by their violence, i am rejected by my own mind, i’ve been 

gutted

And i cannot harden this heart of mine

It breaks with every word

Starshine, no remedy, heals no wounds, only fills me with clarity

Cures of this kind only work for a time

Desperation looms, a flick of a knife

I will forgive her, bloody knuckles save me, give me momentum

Love me with strife, oh mother, my heart

Laden with tremulous oaths broken like original wedding china

Hold me gently, i bleed constantly

My fingers plucked clean of flesh and bone

Every morning, i awake 

To a light so blue it blinds

My skin frigid, nauseated, my stomach empty, crawling

I bend beneath iridescent luminance, forehead against cold porcelain

Stones driven deep with uneven breath, i tremble 

Take me home

Oh mother dear

Leave me be, save me from my malady and let me plod this path in peace

Sling your past from my back

My strength is failing. I cannot sustain your vice on top of mine, mother please, i beg 

of thee

Sing me to sleep, so i may know rest before death takes me

And what a shame that you ever spoke my name, made me a known entity

Exposed me to a poppy field of pain

Numbing all my hurt, even as you claw your way back into my brain

Your breath reeks of wine and decay, rot outshines its sweetness

Let me in, show me a sign

Of motherly devotion and i will grant amnesty for your crimes, yet you only play games

You set in motion

My decline, proclivities notwithstanding, i attempt to rise

Above your demise

I am a dawn, so clear, so eager to render anew 

Weep as woe-begotten tomes tell tall tales 

Of remembrance and honeyed betrayals, the bells ring out and time rectifies

Yet i am forever tied to this life of mine, and though we both may carry shame

You and i shall never be the same

[magpie-moon]

all the things I'd like to say

When we talk i’m tongue tied

Stutter stumble in and out, mouth dry, lips chapped

What i’d give to kiss you now that i’m aware of it 

And its not like it isn’t always like that

The butterflies that swoop more like mutant owls, or the need to have you near so deep

Ingrained into my soul it aches

Like a cavity or something cobwebbed

Split in two

Sewn together just for you 

But when we talk its worse. 

I’m a train but the rails are fading, cascading,

And your orchestrating my plummet, my waterfall of 

Rapidfire thoughts, bullets of desire render me unstable, unable to find the footing to 

Even conjure complements, or a way to tell how much i love you when

You look at me with those eyes

And and all the things i’d like to say disappear like smoke in rain

Ashes on a cloudy day 

Maybe now, with you on my mind

Catching, pulling, claws out and unforgiving

I’ll be able to speak the things i’d like to say

I’ll be able to tell how 

Whenever i see you, i want to take your face into my hands

Feel you scruff against my palms

Lean in close and kiss you dizzy, breathless

Like i’m starved 

How i want to sate myself with your warmth, gourge myself till i’m sick with it

But i’ll always keep wanting more

The way i can’t sleep unless i think of you holding me

Or how if i wake too early

When the sky is blackened and the stars are dead behind the clouds

If i breath just right, keep too still, and constentrait 

i can almost feel your arms around my waist      

Your breath against my ear

Then its gone, i’m left and

Feeling pathetic in an empty room, and wonder if you’ll be waking soon

Sleep on those nights is sticky. when i move, its lethargic, 

Cocooned in too many blankets, my heart’s jackrabbit fast and i hold my breath

I make the waiting last

The darkness takes its time to lift, and all the next day i’m drowning for 

A nap or something to take the edge off

Of being on a knife edge with nowhere to run 

I’d never be able to tell you out loud, but sometimes

Oftentimes, you make me jealous 

Because although your life isn’t perfect

I listen to you talk about your mom and how supportive she is, or the things you can buy

The places you can drive

And how you can dress however you please, and see friends on the weekend

Sleep in, stay up, have fun. At least a little bit

Because i’ll never be responsible enough 

To own a car, and i’m refused an allowance time and time again

And even if money came to me in droves, my purchases would be monitored

First sight of contraband and its an ending for me

Say goodbye to a privilege i begged and begged to receive.

The clothes i want are not what they envisioned from me, so sweet and ladylike i’m 

expected to be

And when i ask, perhaps, for CDs or vinyl, or anything thats a deviation

A digression from carefully crafted expectations

It ends in everlong words, glares, and tired arguments made, remade, and made again

To stop me from occurring and blurring lines they drew oh so carefully

In sand by a dreadful water’s edge, but i am an ocean, a tidal wave

Come to crush the boundaries they set and made

Leaving only destruction in my wake

But then i think of how, in truth, i’m nothing but an “it”

A product of propaganda, confused

The way they wouldn’t even try to understand

Irks me, fills me seething

Foaming at the mouth to know that in the end

I am nothing but an “it” to them

[magpie-moon]

And so I dream, oh beautiful morn

And so i dream, oh beautiful morn

For more than i was given

For a hope to counteract this black dark ending 

Over the horizon, it rises

A bleak and terrible specter, it breaths

Fire

Into my lungs

Ashes 

Into my veins 

An arterial river 

A giver, I pray to a father who will not listen

A mother who cannot hear

A guardian to who’s generosity is juxtaposed by profound expectations 

A lover whose heart swells with mine, 

Held too tightly, i fear, often, if ever i shall be left behind

I peer into this shadow land; oh i am incarnate 

Breadth of life

Of lungs, so burned by holy fire, so lovely 

So lonely in this role, dreadful but for the act 

Wounded 

Bleeding 

And so i dream, oh beautiful morn

For change to take me from this place

To leave, to become

Fulfill and crystallize

To sing and be heard

To understand, to be known, as if it were not a death with every word 

An ending with every line

Inhale, exhale 

Find the time to be alive

But every second, too precious to waste

So i waste away in silence, to die in this space

Inevitable, i await

My death

My decay

And so i dream, oh beautiful morn

Of better days

[magpie-moon]

If you can figure out what to name it, tell me

You’re like watermelon in August, when the heat index is 102, and the air sticks to my lungs, clogs my pores and fills me with an inevitable kind of despair that only hot weather brings

You’re like BlueBell at the end of a long day and the bluebonnets on the roadsides, like the Indian Paintbrushes and buttercups that line the bayous and the hens and chickens that dot the yard, they glisten with morning dew drops and rest under roses and azaleas. They grow no matter what part of them you plant

Through your eyes, I see these walls. I see snowfalls and icy streets, air that leaves puffs of train smoke in your wake. I breathe crisp fog and glean shine from burnt lightbulbs, watch the clocks move and laugh at the ghosts that haunt me, for I am something of a ghost myself

You’ve led to everything and nothing; you’ve forged paths in my heart, in my mind, uncovered long-forgotten dreams and brought them to fruition, planting hope and sowing wishes for less wasted time and clandestine lies of petty forgiveness. You’ve made me want to remember the rhymes of childhood, the ones I sought to suppress from fear of disappointment and everything that comes with it. But I’m always disappointed. In my mother and her husbands, in my father and his new family, in my grandparents and their old-fashioned tyranny, meant to keep me on the straight and narrow. But I’ve never been very straight, and my narrowness is subjective

I’m antsy without you near but it's fine. I think about you all the time but it's fine. I wonder what you dream about but it's fine. I want to give you everything but it's fine. Maybe it's not healthy but it’s fine, and this probably isn’t even a very good poem but that's fine too You’ve made an addict out of me, and I don’t even mind the cravings

I miss you like the tides miss the moon, clawing fruitlessly at the sand trying to get closer. Instead, I only end up polishing my sea glass words and curating pearl pictures. When I think they’re pretty enough, I send them over with the hope you love them half as much as I love you

Maybe I’ve never told you this, but I sing all the time, and all the songs are for you as well

I tra-la-la around the house like a songbird with subpar vocal cords. I used to wonder why the caged bird sings, but here I am, a lark, and you’re a song, I can’t stop and I don’t want to

You make me want to write you love letters you’ll never receive. They’re full of things I barely let myself think, and I let the love-struck words leak out from my mind to the nib. Ink onto a page and onto blue bloody fingers. My heart is covered with indents from when you dug your teeth in, and you just continue to leave more and more as we go along

I hide the letters, you know. From myself or from everyone else, I'm not quite sure, but I wrap them in my stockings and stash them in a sock drawer. Sometimes I breathe them in and hold the heartsick sentiments in trembling hands. I hope I work up the nerve to show them to you one day. I think you’d find them interesting

I feel like I'm in a fever dream with you fueling the flames. And I'm still here shivering like a child lost in the rain, cold and left behind, thinking of your skin-warm hoodies and scalding touch. I want to dry my eyes on your blankets and be held when I cry during a sad movie, during a sort of depressing song that gets to me for no real reason, while reading an article about all the injustices of the world that hurt me now more than they ever did before

You're like the sun, and I constantly have to remind myself that the sun is also a star. Then I remember you are also the stars. And the moon. And every other planetary object that fills the dark sky like so many night lights

I hope this never fades. I hope I'll get to look around one day and see you full of candlelight and smiles. I want to give you butterfly kisses and watch your calico eyes, pull you close, and never let you go

Sometimes you feel like peppermint tea and heartache. I love it more than I should. And I long for you more than I’d care to admit I’m lost in space and time slides like silken wind slipping past my grasping hands. It exists, but like most things that feel important, it’s meaningless, fluid, and I can’t stay put long enough for it to solidify. And well, you're solid enough for the both of us. I'm so used to being non-corporeal, just a friendly ghost amid phantoms and poltergeists, I could barely let myself feel, let alone become something real. Something with substance and gumption

You’re helium and gravity; you keep my head in the clouds, my feet planted steadfast onto the ground. A tether to keep me from wandering too far. An anchor, so when I drift back, it’s back to the start, and I know it well. Because unfamiliarity makes me anxious, but then most things do. Its nothing unusual

You're all-consuming and encompassing. You feel like almost drowning or falling off bridges only to be caught before hitting the bottom. You're like static and I keep getting shocked. I never thought anything could be like this, inevitable. Like tectonic plates colliding, causing earthquakes that shake foundations and rattle windows. That knocks me off my feet and leaves me sprawled out on the floor, and all I can do is wait for you to pick me back up again. And I know you will. You always do

[magpie-moon]

I was conceived without thought

In the last bitter moments of a fruitless marriage 

some say it was at the airport

a flight to somewhere without the other

but only the perpetrators know for sure

I am ashes and fire and rain

Air and water

And red-brown leaves barely hanging onto skeletal trees

I was born to rage and wrath

a mother screaming

a baby crying

funny how I never fit the mold

I am warm nights and early sunsets

I won’t go outside

But the sentiment is always nice

I am hidden objects in odd places

I am a puzzle missing half its pieces

I am ink smeared across desperate fingertips

Impossible to scrub away

I was born to a mother

who sometimes forgot her child

alcohol is a thorough distraction

I am pages of unread books

An encyclopedia of useless quotes

A library of disconnected and mangled memories

Thoughts litter the ceiling like stringless balloons 

I am a too vivid photograph

My contrast turned all the way up; 

I am ear numbing static 

I was born to stepdad number one 

though he was more babysitter than parent

but back then I couldn’t tell the difference

I am nothing if not perfect

I am nothing if not wrong

I am nothing if not nothing at all

I was born for eggshell floors and soft footfalls

for clothes brushing skin in the darkness of a closet

for yelled accusations drifting across a terrified house

I am sunshine that tastes like sky

I am dust motes that feel like pixie dust

I am a fallen feather

Just along for the ride

I was born for summers spent in sticky heat

and long plane rides to anticipated destinations

for layovers in Phoenix

I am an underling to all that is just enough to make you wonder

But never enough to do anything more

I am the end of a dream

That feels all too real

That holds you hostage like blankets wrapped around your sweat-dampened legs at midnight on a Monday morning

I am the burnt toast that you still have to eat

The stuff your mother tells you will polish your teeth

I was born for fearful plane rides

I was told this was vacation

I never got to say goodbye

I never went back

I am a breath held in too long

a lamp that flickers more often than it shines

A door that shuts all on its own

Don’t worry: I am just a ghost

I was born to stepdad number two

he was neither babysitter nor parent

even then I knew that

he drank and fought

she met him blow for blow

and I didn’t exist

I am the pennies

Thrown into a decrepit wishing well

I won’t do what you expect me to

I was born an adult

a child who knew the ways of the world

I knew to cook

I knew not to clean (I never did it right)

I knew, by instinct, when leaving my room was alright

I knew what time to walk to school

I knew when to come home

I was eight years old

I am thousands of sticky notes stuck to a mirror

full of the impossible 

I am a twinge of pain that you can’t quite feel

But I am always there 

I was born for shut off water

for unpaid electric bills

for dogs who bit you if you weren’t careful

I am a song that you can’t remember

Lyrics that fill your parents with fear

‘are you okay. this music doesn’t sound like you’re okay’

I am fine. I promise 

I was born for a road trip that wouldn’t end

for a backwater catholic school (it could have been worse)

for a different hotel every other night

I am the words that won’t come out

The thought you won’t speak

The stupid idea you’re glad you never voiced

I was born for forgetting the return

I assume it was a long arduous one

full of cats smuggled into pet-free hotels

I am wet, raw weather

I am unable to get warm

I am colder than you ever thought possible 

I was born to a townhouse

we lied about the address  

they found out eventually

I am that kid

Who won’t come out of their closet

I’d sleep in there if I could

I am a small, safe, dark place

The kind that feels like home

I was born to eviction

and if objects were memories

I’d have none

no one told me we weren’t coming back

‘just pack your bags; fill them with clothes’

I am an instrument that doesn’t sound right

Doesn’t matter how many times you take me to get fixed

I still don’t sound like you want me to

I was born again in a homeless shelter

a grandparent paid for private school

but no one knew how bad it was

not even me

I am thousands of blankets

Piled high on top of you on a cold night

I seem good in theory

But I will suffocate you 

I am sorry

I was born to be picked up one day

in the middle of fourth grade

by my grandparents

I am an old car 

That no one wants to drive

But everyone keeps around because I haven’t really broken down yet

When I get close

Someone comes and patches up my fatal wounds with band-aids 

And tells not to be sad

And tells me not to worry

I was born for it not to occur to me that would not see my mother again

until much later

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a relief

I am obsessive

Easy distracted

Oblivious and headless

I can’t see five feet in front of me

But I jump anyway

I was born once more, a couple weeks later in Vienna 

to a father who didn’t know me, or care to

a sister who knew better than me, in all things

a stepmother who liked the idea of mothering better than being a mother

I am not easily impressed

But somehow I am fascinated by everything 

I start millions of projects

I never finish 

Even when I want to

I was born for anxiety

it knots my stomach

makes me nauseous

and everyone thought I was bulimic 

but no

just anxious (I feel better now, really, I do)

I am a Christmas tree kept up a little too long

With cracked paper ornaments held together by glitter and glue

I look great from a distance

And then you see me up close

And I am falling apart

A fire waiting to happen

I was born again to move back to Texas

back to my grandparents

It hit like a train I heard from miles away

but refused to acknowledge 

I swear I saw it coming; the snide remarks made it apparent

It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did

I am metamorphosis

Caught between one world and another

Tug of war

And no one’s winning

I was born once more in sixth grade

And everyone thought me sweet

I had no backbone and I didn’t know anything

I am blood and bone

A snake in need of shedding

I am too tight for my skin

I can’t make myself fit

I was born for seventh grade

when I discovered sarcasm

and when I learned that people who were too nice

lost themselves to others

I was tired of being lost

I still am

I am falling asleep at a desk at two am

And forcing yourself awake to work on one more thing

I am exhaustion 

The inability to keep your eyes open even though you sleep all day

I was born for eighth grade

I let myself fall without reserve

they had dimples and smiled like the sun

they blinded me and I couldn’t look away

I didn’t really want to

I am a vulture waiting for someone to push me off a cliff

Waiting for someone to make me fly 

I am stagnant now

Powerless and reckless

What I do won’t matter

So why not do everything

I was born again for ninth grade

and nothing turned out well this year 

I’ve forgotten the sky

and I’ve forgotten the people who live under it

I am overwhelmed

but I still feel nothing

funny how that works

I am grey and blue and black

The bruises that came from nowhere

That you only notice when a dull pain shoots through your limb

‘where did you come from’

But there’s no good answer

I am alive

And I suppose that’s all that matters

[magpie-moon]