maheenwrites

[maheenwrites]

How do you breathe? How do you stop your sadness from suffocating you? How do you talk? How do you stop it from tumbling out of your mouth? How does it not lace every syllable you utter? How do you smile? How do you stop your sadness from making you cry right after? How do you get up in the morning? How do you stop it from convincing you to just spend the day laying in your bed? How do you walk into a room full of people? How do you stop it from making it's presence known? How do you eat? How do you stop it from making you throw up? How do you exist? How do you stop sadness from killing you?

[maheenwrites]

How do we get rid of guilt? I mean we yes, we can swear never to repeat our actions. We can try to be a better person, we can actually be a better person but how do we let go of our mistakes? Forgiving others is possible, making excuses for others is possible but how do we make excuses for ourselves? How do we forgive ourselves?

[maheenwrites]

How do I find someone who talks about me like this?

[maheenwrites]

How do I find someone who talks about me like this?

[maheenwrites]

"But you have everything! You have everything anyone could ever want! Why do-"

"Do you think I want to be like this?", she screamed, cutting him off,

"Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I like being this numb? Unable to feel anything? No I don't! I don't want to be stuck in the past. God, I want to move on, I want to trust again, I want to-",

She bursts into angry sobs,

"I want to feel again. But I can't. I can't feel anything and I don't know why."

[maheenwrites]

She had a million dollar smile. A smile so contagious, it could make you smile through yourr tears. A smile so bright it could lighten up your darkest days. But her eyes? God her eyes. Her eyes told tales of the hell she'd been through. Her eyes showed how broken she truly was.

[maheenwrites]

December.

On the blackboard, it said something like: make it a December to remember. But I tell my mother that she needs to rest but I know I cannot. Even though I’m surrounded by pupils, no one quite sees me. I have forgotten people. No, more than that - perhaps, I have forgotten myself. My best friend is getting married and I am supposed to be happy. On some nights, I do not feel alive. They say a chicken can run around with its head cut off - and I imagine it must be a similar feeling.

My neighbour's son giggles at my new hairstyle but I do not mind - after all, these are the only ways I know to feel different. Last Saturday I struggled a panic attack in a convenient store, they asked if I am okay but I shake my head and avoid meeting their eyes. I never did return to that store.

In the mornings, I open my eyes and I wish I could close them. My head feels fuzzy with sleep, everything blurred, and yet - I think of you and I think of you and I think of you.

But you do not think of me.

You wake up at 6 am, Monday morning, and read the paper. For breakfast, you have eggs, some with vegetable filling. Despite the cereal scatter all over the room, you can't help but smile at your little sister whose face is bright with soft innocence.

These days, I do not know the people you encounter. In the afternoon, you meet your father for the first time in months.

Your father does not call you nowadays, and you do not ask him why; the weekly phone calls have become monthly, then only on special occasions, and now they've stopped altogether. When you return home in the evening, your key jams in the lock again. You curse, then kick the door in your usual manner. And I do not know what your life has to do with my life, except everything.

- Arshad Shaikh || A Cigarette Container

[maheenwrites]

I want to let you in. I want to trust you. God knows how much I want to let it all out in front of someone. But I don't know how to. I have long since forgotten the art of baring my soul to the scrutiny of eyes who may turn against me if given the chance to.

[maheenwrites]

[maheenwrites]

I used to be one of them. The people who wait for apologies so that they can move on. Then I realized, I don't need an apology, no apology can ever be enough to heal me. Their half-hearted words won't heal me. No, it has to be me. Only I can heal me. Only I have that kind of power over myself

[maheenwrites]

Sitting far away at the side, I watch them

From the corner of my eye,

They all look so happy, so content,

Even with me out of the picture.

My heart relishes this sight,

Ignoring the twinge of sadness I realize,

It's worth seeing them happy,

Even if it's without me.

[maheenwrites]

[maheenwrites]

And with the passage of time, pretending becomes easier

Without effort, lies tumble out of my mouth so smoothly, so convincingly that sometimes I believe myself too. That sometimes I too believe myself when I say I'm fine.