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[manicdepressivebipolar]

Its been a while...

Good day,

I think this will be the first time using this application connected to my phone. I guess this looks decent?

Okay let's start.

Today is April 9, 2023 in Philippine time.

2023 has been a year of growing my success building my financial strength and reflecting on my personality. But before all of that why I wanted to share this story of my rise above my broke era is that I want to humble myself and be really thankful for God or any higher being that was guiding me along the way.

Year 2022 a summary.

2021 I was at job that pays as little as 8-12k a month and I was trying to make ends meet from my schooling, my rent and my daily needs. I opted to find a job that sounds futuristic - I switched to an online job. This was one of the best decision I had in my life looking back. 2022 I was having double job, I invested on tech to keep my two jobs and it was working. Since one of my job was paying high enough to cover both of my jobs I continued on even though I know it was ruining my physical and mental health. I was an HR Director and a web designer on the side. I decided to leave my job immediately  when I found myself crying and dragging myself to work on a daily basis. It was literally killing me.

I did not have any back-up job or whatsoever. All along I was relying on my savings. The wrong turn was I was using it for my leisure and not looking for a new job. Anyway, I got broke and went into different loan sharks to make ends meet. This was another and one of my biggest downfall ever.

I landed a job after 6 months from a finance company in the US. It did not pay me well at first but I did not have much choice. Slowly, I was able to pay my depths and gaining back my social activities but everything seems to be a blurr moving forward 2022 from there then - I kept going out, partying, being with strangers to have fun and did illegal things on the side up until the last day of December.

It did not really affect my financial but I know I was still in depth.

from June of 2022 till November 30 - I was juggling three jobs. Just to pay everything already. I eas making my life work, I was paying what I owed people and banks.

Until I decided to let go of one job that really helped me rise up. I could not keep it due to the stress it was giving me on a daily basis. I kept my fiance job due to its flexibility in working terms as a digital nomad and one job that I got as a blessing from my friend which was a direct hire in Texas, USA.

Since December I was earning alot more than I was expecting. Slowly, I was rising from my era of being broke.

2023.

My salary increased by 10,000 pesos in finance and the other job paid as it is but I had alot of extra hours worked so, I was living comfortably by January. I was able to buy the phone that I wanted, I got a free PC from my company, I was paying my own place and bills without anyone helping and I get go help my boyfriend while he kept going in fulfilling his dreams in being a doctor here in the Philippines.

When my boyfriend passed the board exams. We promised that 2023 was a year of us fulfilling our dreams, meeting our goals and establishing our professional career while we were fixing our relationship and making our bond more stronger including our family.

2023.

Looking back at my 2022 and comparing my situation now, I am really blessed. God or any higher being that helped me out of that dark hole, humbles me every single time. I also want to take credit for never giving up on the situations I was in. I kept going. I kept myself from being humble without losing my stand on my personality at work.

I had so much day and reason to give up already in life but there is always that voice "matatapos din to", " I will have the life that I want" and " kaya ko to". Those simple motivation in my head really kept me going.

My boyfriend landed a job, I kept going and earning. Both of us is building our financial stability and strength, earning together, saving, treating ourselves on the side and finally hindi na kami magugutom.

I remember, before halos wala talaga kami makaen. We needed to tipid the things we have. We relied on the little money we have to eat on a daily basis. But now, we have abundance of money, food, other supplies and we can treat ourselves and or family. We are so lucky!

I know we are still starting but as early as now I just want to be thankful with all the blessings I am receiving, my boyfriend is receiving and I hope this continues and everything we manifested will be soon be true.

From negative balances to an abundance as of today. I can't help shed a tear or cry a river of tears on this journey. It truly is a miracle and just really leaves me in an awe on how I did everything.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

I hate social media right now

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Will you dance with me?

Inspired by a certain vampire queen and her sweet princess girlfriend.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

more zinnia and fariha :)

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Digital style experimentation

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Parayno: The Psychology of Cheating and Moving On (Millennial edition)

Background on the Psychology of Cheating: I always get cheated on during my college days at Baguio, even if it is a fling or even when I am in a relationship. I never knew how cheating starts before, at one moment both you and your partner are just spending time together and then the next thing you know, he/she already has someone for “back-up”. There’s are specific/certain kind of emotion you elicit one is jealousy, second is anger and third is sadness and then you follow it up with the thought of not being enough or what have you done and not done to deserve the pain and the treatment that you just experienced that very moment.

My view on cheating was very simple, cause and effect. My relationships were like a redundant movie-like scenes. The happening was so redundant and almost as if it was deja-voo all over again every after another. My university year was as colorful as a festival. I was not those type of ladies who focuses on one goal, studies a week before exams and goes home before curfew. I was the exact complete different. I studied 30 minutes before every exam, goes home way past curfew, drunk, and I was happy-go-lucky person when it comes to my grades.

 Cheating was re-occurring to my entire college life and I fall for the same reason every single time. Until I got fed up. So the last two relationships I decided to observe the patterns of how the pattern of behavior is and will be to lead me into a conclusion. This theory will not only explain the similar patterns of behavir but also the logic behind why men and women cheat on their partner.

 This theory of mine will also go into details of the person who gets into the process of “moving-on” from a cheater/heartbreak and will also explain how redundant the process of moving on as well.

 The Case of “Gaby”

Gaby is my friend who is 21, we hang out for a few years during college. Gaby was more of an acquaintance than a friend actually. We shared only the topical secrets we have, the ones that are similar to the environment we move into. We have a lot of common friends but we don’t have the same common interest. She likes to party at night but stay at home during the day, she disregards school as if it was just her past time during the day time. I hung out with her every after school for coffee, drinks and other activities Gaby had a long-term boyfriend, Elijah. Elijah, when we first met, he looked really kind, sweet and obedient to the needs of Gaby. Their relationship seems to look perfect and it seems like there is more to expect from their relationship than the typical-average-relationship now-a-days. Millenials love to post whatever was/is happening in their sical life so, I kind-of watched most of their “stories” on instagram when they were still together. As usual , they portray the most “perfect” couple on social media but one afternoon Gaby asked me to go out wither and have  decent dinner and coffee with her. She told me that Elijah has been cheating on her for so long, that she could not handle the pain anymore Elijah was giving her. She kept crying until she started saying “ang tanga tanga ko” and hurting her self constantly with her left hand pounding her left leg. It was a sign of regret I guess… She told me that she endured the pain too long that it was an “enough” reason to leave their long term relationship. I told her todo what she thinks is the best for her mental health. I have observed them both on social media. Both of them seem to look happy , but of course that is social media. Elijah went to me one night and told me that, after all the cheating his heart is still with Gaby and he wished that she have never done that. On the other side, Gaby, already have moved on she is happy now with another guy and soon she is getting married.

  One on one interview with Elijah:

 I asked Elijah why did he do it when Gaby was willing to do so much for her and can offer him so much. Verbatim he said: “Mahal ko siya, oo, pero nakakasawa na kasi ung araw-araw nalang naming pag aaway ng wala namang rason. Diba? Nakakasawa na” and she kept blaming her because of her wrong doing by continuing “Bakit siya rin naman hidni ko siya pinipigilan pag lalabas sila ng mga tropa nya kahit ung mga lalaki pa kasama nya. Alam na alam mo iyon Minette” it was hard fo me respond that time because I just wanted his POV on why he did that but when I got to the bottom of it, I asked him directly “so bakit ka nga nag cheat? Ano ang rason?” and he said “ Hindi ko din alam”

 Cheating - As described in Merriam Webster Dictionary; to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something (which includes lying). When you enter into a relationship there is a non-written rule there there are things you can and cannot do to your partner. Looking for someone other than your partner is considered as cheating and doing with other things like being intimate to other than your partner is considered as cheating.

 The psychology of cheating (reasons)

1) When a person has fallen out of love but not want to cut ties with their partners

2) When a person feels unappreciated in the relationship and someone other than your partner showed the slightest appreciation for him/her

3) When a person lacks attention within the relationship

4) Sexual Temptations

5) “Pambobola” which made his/her fall in-love with the one he/she is chatting with

6) Constant hanging out and falls for the “constant companion”

7) Revenge

8) Unsatisfied - When you feel that your partner is not enough/ good enough for you

 These are the reasons why men and women cheat. Cheating would not be possible if there is no one to give motive or at least self-motive. Rollo May defined love/agape as a healthy adult relationship blend all four forms of love. In a relationship it should include interest, patience, trust, understanding, all of these must go together so that a relationships has respect and commitment to each other so in that way cheating can be prevented.

 There are also instances where these goes together but there is this thing called “temptation” and you lose control of yourself at some point and gave in to the so-called temptation. Some people have a hard time saying “no”. In relation to this, if a person has a hard time in refusing invited to parties, to meet ups or whatsoever that involves the opposite sex or even the same sex and one has motive towards the other who is in a relationship then it will be gateway, a weakness to that person to refuse offers.

 “I was just being kind” excuse- This line is used for those who really had no intention of cheating but gave in to temptation.

” Kasalanan ko talaga” - Knows that he/she is going to cheat or cheating with his/her partner and kept it a secret but eventually his/her partner found out.

” Eh, ganoon din naman siya” - Both are not okay emotionally and physically unsatisfied with each other but still wants to be in ties with each other ” Mahal kita pero…” Cheated with his/her partner because partner is not satisfying enough at a specific aspect.

“ Minsan lang naman” - Made a choice to cheat on his/her partner already (knows what he/she is already into but still pursues it)

 And a whole lot more. Cheating for me is a choice you make. Even the slightest flirty jokes, the messages that meant something, keeping a secret to your partner about someone you’ve been seeing or talking to all these falls under cheating. Because if your love each other the tendency is that you focus on many things that will benefit for the both of you and to grow as healthy individuals by supporting each other’s goal and dreams. Relationships are too ideal and movie-like perceptions, there are bad days there are also good days but when the Agape is more prominent for each other, there is no need to find another person to waste time on and effort.

 The cycle of moving on from a bad break up

 I can assume that this cycle is applicable to everyone that has been into a bad break up with his or her partner. Unless he or she just played behind the bushes, made you a past time or if he or she found someone better than you (replacement) then he or she would not feel guilty at all to the break up event that he or she experienced.

 For the case of Gaby and Elijah, I can somehow assume that today, our millenia world has affected how we view relationships. Social media can portray so much happiness and how your life is doing and how perfect and in place everything is but in reality it is all a lie and it rots you. It prevents you on sharing to someone that you are not that kind of person that you portray on social media. They have portrayed such good example and character to people that views their “stories” on instagram but in reality both of them were cheating in the end. 

Cheating is not deserved by anyone in general because the pain it give the receiver is crucial, it alters sleep, thoughts, emotions and especially way of thinking. As if the effects are from a taken synthetic drug. I am very amused how love and pain can ruin us like any other kind of drugs. As if we are overdosed and gets all the side effects of the drug. The receiver of the pain even looses weight and may look a little bit off and different, even the way they eat, the way how people interact, it is either they are irritable or rather wont seem to care at all.

 There are several disadvantages of the pain received from cheating, number one is you loose so much focus on your daily life style, second is that you doubt yourself and question your self “what have I done wrong” to yourself and to your “ex”, third you lose apatite which follows your mood, your sleep, your physical well being or worse, your mental health.

 Some people really forces themselves to go back to the same person who have hurt them, why? Because comfort to the soul is the soul happiness. It is the comfort and understanding and the time span you have been together, enough to be a reason of forgiveness and getting back together or fixing the relationship and forget the bitterness and tragedy you have experienced. Both can be vulnerable and impulsive. Both can also regret decision that they make on the spot and ends up unhappy in the end so the cycle will continue until agreed to end the relationship in an unpleasant way (because both are already fed up with each other)

 Men always takes the leap first to go solo flight while women suffers the longest. The difference is that when a man is done having their pleasure or good time with other people he goes back the his comfort zone but when a woman moves on she grieves for so long enough to think and pick u herself and not going back to the same situation she just experienced so she find another way to feel comfortable with or without someone.

  Conclusions and assumptions

 Before, studies show that men cheat more than women but based on critical observations I can say that there is an equal results between male and females on cheating. Males can tend to be just “showy” or vulgar to the public when it comes to cheating due to the environment they move in. For example here in Baguio City (the case of Gaby and Elijah) They both were in the same environment so gossip is one fact to expose their cheating incidents especially with Elijah who has been known as Gaby’s “perfect boyfriend” for years.

You can only be accused of cheating if you get caught either in the naked eye or through phoning someone. Baguio City, the setting, is very small and in this town, people know people so in other words an exchange of news can travel fast in this town especially when you have a lot of common friends.

 Another conclusion is that men tend to get bored more because they have lesser attention span than females they lose focus easily hence, can find the “thrill” or the same missing feeling to someone that they think they can give an equal experience to what they are missing. I can relate this action or behavior same as using drugs. Once you get addicted to the feeling you tend to find it very often if the WANT is not being satisfied then you tend to look for that “wanted” feeling. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs the first one to find is not affection but physiological needs. So, in other words most men cheat because of sexual drives and other thrill that goes with the physiological satisfaction.

 Women on the other hand, tend to cheat as well but in a very secretive manner. They know someone with motive but still tends to go to that person because women seek attention, affection (even though it is just for a short span of time which we call “fake love”) and comfort. Most f the women go with other guys to rant their feelings to their current situation to their partner and eventually men will absorb their weakness and the women will fall to the person who is capable of constantly reassuring her and comforting her. Women are always in denial for a faulty act they always wanted to have a straight-up image so they tend to be not vulgar whenever they do cheat. Some women are not fully aware they are cheating until they fall for the charisma of they guy who is showing him what she thinks she deserves. In relation to Maslow’s hierarchy of need women do cheat because of two reasons 1) Physiological needs and 2) Love and belongingness

 Overall, when it comes to both parties cheating there is nothing to expect than a bad break-up, as they say “there is no good in goodbyes” so whenever they do undergo the end part of the tunnel. They both part ways, they go on different directions.

 For the one that has received pain the most he/she tends to move on on slower because he/she will absorb and try to find his/her “self-worth” again before fully moving on or at least admitted to him/herself that he/she has finally moved on and moved out of the toxic situation that he/she is in.

 For the ones that has caused pain, after all the “good time” he/she has been through, his/her realizations will come late and may increase the chance of going back to his/her previous partner. “strike the iron while its hot they say” because while the receiver of the pain has not yet fully moved-on he/she may still accept his partner after the break up.

 Truly love is unexplainable, it does not even have its own concrete definition. For me so as cheating and moving on, it does not have a concrete singular definition why people do it but there are similar patterns of behavior that are observable through time and may make a further study about “why men cheat more than women” or measure how fast one can recover through a bad break up. I am in an awe how human behavior can have patterns with different situations.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Toxic

It is honestly dumb to combine yourself in somewhere you can never fit in. But I am required to. And I do not know a single idea on how to escape it. Working for myself is independence.  But the though they inculcate to me The word “family”  Can’t make me say NO  And it’s the most toxic life I never chose. 

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Development of Freud’s theory

People and their works and theories that have influenced Freud in the development of his theory.   Hippocrates the father of Medicine - One of his works was about “humours” this talks about the four fluids from the human body which was associated with temperaments: blood (sanguine temperament), black bile (melancholic), yellow bile (choleric), and phlegm (phlegmatic). The imbalances of the fluids will explain the mood or the personality of a person. Although, this study from Hippocrates isn’t really reliable and scientifically valid. This study has been used as a core study that developed mostly in the field of studying or understanding one’s personality and mental disorders or biological imbalances.  

Josef Breuer – Breuer was a mentor to young Sigmund Freud. Breuer was known for his work “the talking cure” in the case of Anna O. Freud was fascinated by how Breuer can cure or calm such hysteria. Since Freud has been deeply fascinated and interested by Breuer’s work and studies, Freud decided to adopt such method. It paved the way to Freud’s concepts on Psychoanalysis and discovering the cautions and other variables that can improve the study. Breuer has been a big influence in the development of the Psychoanalysis although, in my point of view, that Freud mainly took the credit because Freud was the one who is more well-known by the concept. Based on my readings on Breuer, he has failed to see the vast potential of the “talking cure”. Although Freud synced the sexual context which he was known for, the concept of applying the odd concept made him more favorable and talked about but also, Breuer worked with Freud for several years even though Freud was rumored to be “ill” on those times. The whole concept of Breuer’s discovery on Ana O. opened the fascination of Freud to the processes and methods of one’s mental behavior so, Freud made a way to develop it and make further studies on Psychoanalysis along with sexual concepts.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Melanie Klein’s descendants.

A) Margaret Mahler- The concept of Mahler contributed on the mother and child development and also separation. It is a careful observation that starts from birth three years of age. How a child is dependent on the mother, how the child communicates to the mother and the mother responding to cues/ needs of the child and then later on the child progresses and be independent from the mother and can let alone develop an identity of his own. There is this term “preobjects” where the child sees the parent/caregiver important but not yet as a primary attention then later on developing into a closer bond with mother until the child reaches at a certin month to search for autonomy of his identity, physical aspects and ego.

B) Heinz Kohut- Kohut’s view was simply, a child should be physically and psychologically healthy and by that implementing narcissistic needs on the child then it is said to believe that it develops a healthy personality for the child because children, according to Kohut are naturally narcissistic but this practice should discontinue upon growing up and the child needs to be practice in seeing closer reality situation. The idea of Kohut may have contributed to the complexes developed during childhood, Phantasies and also on the defense mechanism relating self esteem that if the psychological practice is not implemented from Kohut’s view then there would be a developing problem to the child’s self esteem and would create or elicit their defense mechanisms.  

C) John Bowlby – Bowlby’s view was to bring about a more measurable, observable and falsifiable theory which was the Attachment Theory. This theory aims to portray the behavior of the child around with a caregiver and without. Bowlby emphasizes that relationship is not a trait, it is a two-way-street, the caregiver and the infant should be congruently working for a better relationship. It modified the theory of Klein whereas the complexes strongly shows relationships and attachment to the caregiver, how one child may be influenced to a caregiver’s showed actions.

D) Mary Ainsworth – In my opinion, the theory of Ainsworth has strengthened the theory of Klein by using the Strange Situation as a  strength in defining the “positions” that was theorized by Klein. By using the three attachment style rating as an observable experiment. Congruent to paranoid-schizoid and depressive.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Psychology of the Filipino is the same/not the same as Filipino Psychology

Is Filipino Psychology the same as psychology of the Filipino? In my opinion and comparison based from what I have read, it is non-congruent. How is this so? The Filipino Psychology studied the specific traits that majority can express or show, it talks about tradition, social traits, practices and other obvious and consistent observable behavior and traits of the Filipino people. It categorizes the inner and outer personality,traits and behavior. Sikolohiyang pilipino was made for us to be able to understand more of the filipino traits and actions because we could not use the westernized psychological concepts because using such concepts will make the picture of the filipino inaccurate if not distorted (Enriquez 1985) trying to align our concepts to earlier studies in psychology. Sikolohiyang Pilipino is competent and a contributory study to universal psychology.

The psychology of the filipino is how a filipino mind works, how everything that is defined on filipino psychology is actually applied through a day-to-day or situational instances, how one person (a filipino) thinks of a peer or simply someone that he/she just met accidentally on a jeepney ride. the psychology of the filipino may include the superstitious beliefs, for example “pagpag” after visiting a funeral, a filipino person will stop-by somewhere to eat or to grab a drink instead of going home directly because filipinos believed that going home straight after visiting a funeral, the spirit of the one they visited will follow them. Another example is that when a “dalagang pilipina” has been impregnated without a husband they consider/ call the doing as “nakakahiya” or “hindi gawain ng matinong babae” traditionally, the man who impregnated the woman is forced to marry the woman he impregnated. So, I can say that, yes, the psychology of the filipino somehow developed Filipino Psychology because t=without the psychology of the filipino none of the studies in Filipino Psych would ever develop but it is non-congruent. It is presenting a research paper without references. Filipino psychology is a study while Psychology of the Filipino for me, is just how a filipino person mind works/thinks.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Aiming for that masters degree

This is how I ended up enrolling again at this university but this time .... in their graduate program.

As dumb as it sounds I failed the board exams. Not everyone needs to know that... but you can ask and I will not deny. I will post another write up about that but this story is about how I ended up in pursuing a masters degree.

It all started when I was literally doing nothing. I did not have a job that week. I was just laying around doing social media and of course, netflix. but I wasn’t feeling as worthless as I should, my dad is. 

My dad was looking depressed that I was not doing anything for myself that week and so he decided to enroll me back to school. I enrolled that Monday and gave me enough money so I can enroll myself to grad school. 

How’s grad school you ask? I do not regret anything. I have never felt fulfill and at the same time doing what I actually love (by which I mean, PURE PSYCHOLOGY subjects)

[manicdepressivebipolar]

note to self: keep going, keep growing.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

NEVER NOT LOVE YOU MOVIE REVIEW

So I just watched NEVER NOT LOVE YOU

and here's my honest feels/review about the movie.

I think, we all can be Nadine from the start. Someone who can fall in love insanely without hesitations, without doing any back ground check on someone you felt a strong connection with.

It all fell into place rapidly. Living in together, falling in love way to deeply, giving up something for someone you love, adjusting and etc. the things you do to make the relationship work

The movie taught me that; at first it was immature and teenage kind of love which most of us experience but as you grow together and older with that person you can learn to adjust and let go, to grow apart to peruse each other's dream. Pero, for me in my honest opinion. Distance can really give a your colorful relationship a blur and pag nahayaan ang tamuphan at awayan habang LDR kayo, I think that you learn to go back to your "normal routine" or continue life without his presence.

And I feel that, staying in a relationship is really a choice kahit na ang dami nang scratches ng relationship nyo.

At the end of the day, based on the movie, I have learned that happiness will always be a choice. A choice you make to be satisfied and to be or to feel "you". Choosing someone you love will always have a risk but, eventually, you will find your way working things out to stay together. You can do stupid and reckless stuff to the one you love but it will be a win-win decision if you both stay together because of one reason; you both make each other feel at home.

James Reid through out the movie he showed that he was consistent and serious with Nadine.

Nadine showed enthusiast on their relatio ship at first but she was career oriented because she wanted the best not only for her but also for her family. Her relationship with James was just a factor for her in the end.

James, at the end of the story still sticked to whatever he wanted in life, and that was "to be happy"

For me the moral lesson of the story is: let us not make our pride take over. Fix recent fights by communicating/ talking about it.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

[manicdepressivebipolar]

💔

Sasabihan kang I miss you. Pero hindi naman pala totoo. Ganon naman talaga minsan may mapag-paasa lang talaga sa mga bagay na ganon. Akala mo kasi sincere. Di mo alam nasabi niya lang yun kasi bored siya, walang magawa o di kaya sadyang trip niya lang sabihin sayong miss ka niya. Kaya minsan hindi mo rin masisisi yung mga taong umaasa eh. Feeling mo kasi napaka special mo kapag nasabihan kang I miss you. :/

[manicdepressivebipolar]

😔

reblog if u are currently A Mess