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manuellawritesfiction · 14 days ago

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No, I'm not in love | Joel Miller

pairing: jackson!joel miller x reader summary: Joel Miller was the one thing she swore she’d never fall for. But love has a way of slipping through the cracks, no matter how hard you try to shut it out. heavily inspired by no i'm not in love by tate mcrae! warnings: slow burn, angst, tension, age gap (not specified but Joel is older than reader), mentions of alcohol, jealousy, emotional repression, inner conflict, intimacy avoidance, painful ache of almost love series masterlist taglist: @marauvderss @missladym1981 @edenexisting <3

Chapter 3: Fine, I miss her.

Heavy breathes left Joel’s lips as he speedily walks away from your house. If he stayed 2 more seconds, he would’ve kissed you. And the would be so wrong.

You have a boyfriend, he's older than you, you’re a ray of sunshine, the town’s favourite flower girl. You reminded him of a sunflower, and he wasn’t surprised when he was the sunflower doormat at your front door, it was disgustingly cute, it was so you.

Joel is a man that needs no introduction, the vicious killer, a man with no morals.

What would he be doing with a pretty thing like you?

Joel thinks he’s a perverted old man to be attracted to someone like you. He promised himself he wouldn’t touch you. He promised himself that he wouldn’t corrupt someone as sweet as you.

He convinced himself that you wouldn’t look at him in that way, but when he went to grab that cookie and you didn’t pull away- the way you looked at him, eyes wide, your lips slightly parted, it was as if they were screaming for him to kiss them. You’re really making it hard for him to respect your relationship.

Joel was never in denial about his feelings about you, he knew he needed to have you the day he walked into that flower shop. The small glances you’d give him, when you tried starting a conversation with him, when you remembered things, he told you.

He swears you were made for him.

You made him feel things that he only felt before the outbreak. You were making his cold heart melt; you were convincing him to lower the wall he built around his heart. You made him feel normal, you made him feel not as bad as everyone says he is. He wasn’t stupid he’s heard the rumours, he sees how mothers shield their children from him but instead of running you’d smile with him.

“Do you think I can date someone younger than me?” He once asked Tommy.

“So, you wanna be someone’s sugar daddy?”

“No, you idiot” Joel says as he lets out a sigh: “i mean do you think I'll be able to handle someone younger than me, at my age?”

“Knowing you Joel, you probably can” Tommy responded before he took a sip of his water. Joel’s eyes immediately drifted to your shop.

He remembers the night that convinced him that you felt something for him.

He remembers Jackson’s anniversary, he remembers the lights, the laughter, the alcohol burning his throat. He remembers you sitting with Maria at the bar. He remembers how pretty you looked under all the lights.

One thing that Joel will never admit is the fact that he has a very big ego its childish) he liked to win, he liked to come first.

Tommy might’ve been younger, but he beat Joel in more ways than one. He got a wife, a kid (RIP Sarah) a stable life in Jackson and what does Joel have? His grumpy moods and the memory of the life he had before the outbreak.

Joel would never say this to Tommy, but he envied his brothers life. Joel wanted that love and warmth too.

If Joel couldn’t beat Tommy in life he could beat him in patrols. Joel had the highest kill count in Jackson, and he liked that. He liked being number one.

He wasn’t sure if he woke up in a bad mood that morning or maybe it’s because Tommy was getting closer to passing his kill count, but today Tommy’s voice was irritating him. (He wouldn’t shut up about some soup maria made yesterday).

“Can you shut up?” Joel snapped as he looked at the surroundings hoping to spot some infected.

“Why?” Tommy asked.

“You talk too much”

“You’re just old, I need to make sure your ears work”

“Tommy please stop talking” Joel grumbles as he grips his pistol harder when he heard leaves rustle.

“I’ll shut up if you kill more infected than me today-”

Tommy could see how Joel’s posture immediately changed.

“-but if you lose you need to dance with Betty tonight”

Joel sighs. Betty.

She was a strange old lady that he knew had a massive crush on him. She always did her hair or wore tighter dresses if she knew Joel would be there. She wasn’t doing a good job at hiding her feelings.

“Fine” Joel mutters.

It was as if the gods were on Tommy’s side that day because he killed more infected than Joel (Joel almost vomited at the fact he lost).

Now here he was with Tommy and Maria laughing at him as he awkwardly smiled and danced with Betty. He kept glancing your way hoping you’d come over and talk to him.

Maybe you could take his gun and shoot him, he would love to die right now and seeing your face before he entered eternal darkness sounded heavenly.

When he looked up, he saw you looking at him and Betty. He’ll never forget the way your face dropped, how your bottom lip quivered. He watched you walk away and that was his biggest mistake. He let you go.

He went home questioning: why would you react in such an emotional manner? maybe you saw something else that upset you, maybe it's because something was in your eye? Or maybe, just maybe you felt the same.

After that night Joel barley saw you. It was like you didn’t exist anymore. The rare occasions he did see you made no effort to interact, and it hurt him.

It hurt him deeply.

The wort day of his life was when he saw you and David in the store. He didn’t follow you (that’s a lie he did) he wanted to congratulate you on moving into a new place, maybe he could carve something for you (like a small bird or maybe a sunflower) so that you always had a piece of him.

When he saw David hug you, you hugged back, and you were smiling- he knew David asked you on a date and you probably said yes. It made him sick. Joel couldn’t stand the thought of you with someone else, and he wasn’t afraid to admit it.

Yes, he’s never made a move, but he hoped the universe would see his desperation and give him a chance with you.

When you and David stated dating it felt like the world was ending all over again. He hated seeing you together, he hoped David would cheat on you so could leave, and then he’d swoop in and comfort you.

When the news broke that the two of you broke up a few days after he was there (Joel hoped maybe was the reason you broke) he was happy, so happy in fact he was smiling and greeting everyone. They all thought he lost his marbles, but he wasn’t ill he was in love.

You’re free from the clutches of David.

He thinks it was a Monday when he saw you sitting at the park. You didn’t look like someone who’s relationship just ended; you looked lighter, happier, free.

Since Joel was at your house, he’s been avoiding you. It’s been weeks since he saw you. He was afraid that if he looked at you for too long, he would confess. He would tell you everything and he wasn’t sure if you would be able to handle the truth.

How would he even start to explain his behaviour? How would he tell you that he almost kissed you while you had a boyfriend?

“Hi Joel “he heard you speak. He saw you looking at him with a small smile. He didn’t realize he was staring at you. What a fucking loser.

“Hi” he finally breathes before he walks towards you. He gently sits next to you his hands on his lap so that he doesn’t reach out and grab you.

“I don’t see you anymore” you point out.

“I’ve been busy” He lies.

“you’ve been busy, or you’ve been avoiding me?”

fuck you caught him.

“You broke up?” he asks for confirmation not answering your question.

You nod: “he’s said i was emotionally unavailable”

“Joel?” You whisper softly

Joel hums and he turns to you and sees you were already looking at him.

“Yeah?” he answers hesitantly.

“i think... I’m in love with you” you say in a whisper.

“no” he responds.

“What do you mean no it's how i feel”

Joel sighs and he shakes his head before he gets up: “you’re sweet but we can’t be together... I’m older and were opposites-“

You didn’t even let him finish before you get up and walk closer to him. Joel can hear his heart hammering in his chest; you were really close to him. So close that he could smell you.

“it would be selfish of me to date you... you have your whole life ahead of you” he finishes his sentence.

Your eyes fill with tears: “look at me and tell me you don’t feel the same” you whisper, your lip was quivering, tears were threating to spill from the eyes he could look at forever.

“I don’t” he lies as he looks to the ground.

“You know for someone who says that they’re not in love, you sure act like you are” you say sarcastically as tears begin to fall.

He doesn’t answer, instead he walks away from you This was for the best he decides as he walks away from you.

Or at least he thinks it is?

If it was why does his heart ache at the thought of you going home and crying? Why are his fists clenching in anger at himself for not telling you how he really feels? Why was he acting like a stupid teenager?

He made a fucking mistake, and the realization hit him. You were the one he wanted despite his insecurities. Joel wouldn’t be able to survive if he found out you moved on. He wanted you to be with him. Even if that means he’s being selfish.

Joel didn’t walk far from where the two you were talking earlier, he turned around hoping to meet your eyes, instead he was met with an empty park and his heart pounding out of his chest.

Fuck.

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manuellawritesfiction · 15 days ago

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No, I'm not in love | Joel Miller

Chapter 2: It's not like i think about her.

It's been 3 months since the incident.

It's been 3 months since your heart stopped at the sight of Joel dancing with someone else.

It's been 3 months since you've realized that maybe, just maybe you might feel something for Joel. You don't want to admit it out loud. Even thinking about it makes you feel icky inside.

You don’t like him. You’ve repeated that enough times it should feel true by now. So why did it feel like the world tilted the second you saw him dancing with her, and not with you?

You haven't really left the house since the incident, too embarrassed by your own outburst (you're a grown woman running away from a guy you might have a crush on, it's quite childish you thought to yourself).

When you would leave the shelter of your home, you'd keep you head down, walking through the crowds quickly hoping you don't see her or even worse Joel.

You were unsure if Joel noticed your absence, and since the incident he hasn't approached you once. He didn't even breathe once in your direction.

Yes, he barley interacted with you, but he always gave you a tight smile or he'd nod at you. But now it as if you were invisible, maybe it's because you're trying to hide from him, but Joel is a very observant man. He must've seen you at some point, right?

You'd sometimes admire his tall frame through the windows of the flower shop, and you wondered if he felt your eyes (that's a lie, you always watched him)

Why do you care so much? you ask yourself over and over again.

it's not like you care.... right?

You scrunched your face as the cold air hit your face as you walked out of your new place. Since you've moved to Jackon you had a roommate (Alliya. You thought you could cook till you met her) she roommate got married, and just like that, the chapter you shared quietly came to a close. There were no hard feelings just boxes taped shut and memories packed with them. You hugged her goodbye at the front step and wished her and her husband everything good.

And then it was your turn.

You moved into a small house on the other side of Jackson. Not big, not fancy, but yours. The floors creaked like they were learning your footsteps. You were excited, giddy, even, at the idea of independence. It was quiet, sure. But it was a kind of quiet that held promise, not loneliness. A blank canvas. A new beginning.

Despite your house being empty (it only had a mattress but let's be positive, you have something to sleep on) you were really excited for this new life you were building.

You closed the door behind you making your way into town. You were doing to meet Maria. Maria (being the sweetheart she is) offered to take you furniture shopping.

You haven't seen her since that night: you've been avoiding her if you were being honest. In the weeks after the incident you've been struggling with your feelings. You were confused, jealous, angry, sad. She was going to ask questions you knew she was, and you didn't need her questions at that time, all you needed was some alone time to think.

To think why seeing Joel with her made you feel so sick.

You take a quick glance back at your place, a prideful grin spread across your face. In the movies they play at the movie nights, you always see girls going off to college and looking happy, maybe this was your version of that happiness.

You walked through the streets of Jackon, waving at few regulars who always come to your store. You spot maria and she hugs you so hard you feel the air leave your lungs: "where have you been!?"

"Why are you yelling?"

"I'm yelling because i missed you"

You felt guilt creep in, but you quickly dismiss it before you give her a small smile "i missed you too"

"Where have you been?'' she pressed

"My new place"

She rolls her eyes "You're hiding something"

"I'm not"

"You are"

You sigh with defeat: "i needed... space... i needed to think"

She smiles softly "do you want to talk about it?"

"No" you answer almost immediately

She nods "i understand"

You smile happy she finally gave up. The two of you quickly catch up outside: she tells you about an argument her and Tommy had, how Ellie broke her nose. You nod hoping she's mention Joel, but she didn't.

There was a new furniture store that recently opened in Jackson, and you hoped to find something to add to your home. As the two of you walked in, a little bell rang above you.

The air inside the store was thick with the scent of old wood, worn leather, and something sweetly nostalgic like time itself had a smell. Every piece in the shop seemed to hum with its own quiet history. There was a velvet armchair in the corner, frayed slightly at the arms, the fabric sun-faded in places. You wondered who used to curl up in it was it a grandmother with a book? A man with a pipe and a tired sigh? Mirrors leaned against every wall, some tall, others plain. Coffee tables with faint cup rings whispered of lazy mornings and conversations now long forgotten.

You walked through the aisles slowly, fingertips grazing the grain of an old oak cabinet, and couldn’t help but wonder: whose hands had opened its doors before yours?

You decided to get something small today. There were a few things you liked but before you grabbed a purple pillow your eyes landed on a sunflower doormat.

"I want this'' You look around but Maria was nowhere to be found.

A voice talks behind you ''you can take it'' Your eyes land on him.

A newcomer.

You've heard that there was a cute guy who recently joined Jackson, but you didn't think he looked like this: He was tall (not as tall as Joel), he had big beautiful brown eyes and even more beautiful black hair (you wondered how he was able to maintain his hair in this apocalypse). He was attractive you couldn't deny it he reminded you of the sunflower you saw that made you realize that you wanted to open a flower shop.

"I'm David"

''Y/N" you responded.

''Can i take it?" you asked after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"Yeah" he nodded.

"Is it free? There's no price tag" you joke trying to lighten the mood.

"Of course, this world has no value for money"

You felt hot under his gaze, you quickly cleared your throat, and you made your way towards the exit. You had to get out of here, the walls were closing in on you and it was so fucking awkward.

"Wait!" He called out. He looked to the ground before he shyly asked "would you.... perhaps show me around?"

"Like a date?"

"No, it's not-"

"Then why are you anxious?"

He sighs before he admits: "yes like a date.... you're just really pretty and it's making me nervous" he awkwardly looks down.

You smile for the first time in a while and without hesitation you say yes.

He quickly hugs you before pulling away with a gasp: "I'm sorry, i just got excited"

"it's ok" you chuckle.

As you make you way out of the store, your new mat in hand and a huge grin on your face you make eye contact with Joel who stood across the store. He stood tall, his face unreadable, you could've sworn you saw him frowning.

Was he watching you?

One date turned into two, two dates turned into three. And now he sleeps over. You wake up to pancakes and sweet gifts after he stayed the night. He was gentle, kind, loving. Someone you'd always see in the cliché romance movie they play.

But you quickly realized you weren't happy. You didn't feel the same way Maria described what she felt with Tommy (not that you've ever experienced that feeling before it just doesn't feel right with David).

You hated to admit this, but you missed Joel. Despite him being cold and sarcastic there was a little warmth, the two of you shared, those brief glances that would make you feel dizzy, those hushed words shared that made your legs weak.

David was a great guy but he didn't make you as happy as you thought he would. He wasn't funny, he wasn't romantic enough, he wasn't Joel, and you hated that.

Since you and David started dating Joel has drifted. He lives in the shadows (even more than he already does), when you greet him, he wouldn't say a word. If you were in the room he'd leave. If you smiled at him, he barley looked at you.

Why the fuck was he acting like this and why the fuck is it upsetting you this much?

You let out a frustrated groan as you tried pushing your couch up the stairs. It's quite stupid for you to be doing this alone but you were bored and this looked like something fun.

Your house was fully furnished, decorated with different pieces form David's shop and things he brought back from patrol. It felt like a mixture of you and him in one place despite this being your house.

You decided when you woke up this morning the couch would look better in your bedroom but now you were there out of breath and tired of trying to move this stupid couch.

You needed this done today or you'll go insane, and you hand no patience waiting for David to come home from patrol. You knew Tommy would be in the stables, but you were too lazy to look for him.

Joel. It's Wednesday and you knew he'd be working in the garden area (let's not talk about how you got this information).

You slipped on a pair of shoes before you quickly made your way to the garden area, and when he wasn't there, you frowned slightly. Your eyes searched the grown in front of you, but you couldn't find him.

You were sure he'd be here

"hi" you heard his southern accent from behind you. This was the first word he said to you in weeks.

You turn to look at him: "hi Joel! Can you help me move my couch into my room?" you quickly asked not trusting yourself around him.

"where's your boyfriend?" he asks almost mockingly.

"patrol"

He stayed silent looking at you: "ok".

You thank him before the two of you walked back to your place. The walk was quick, silent not awkward silence but comfortable. You didn't feel pressured to talk around Joel. It was peaceful.

"Is this where you've been hiding?" he asks as he walks into your place taking in your house that you proudly decorated.

"I wasn't hiding"

"You don't talk to me"

"it's not like you try either" you respond sarcastically.

You stare at each other silently before you awkwardly cleared your throat.

"this" you point to the to the couch "first room on the left"

He nods as he swiftly moves the couch, you watched how concentrated he looked, the way his fingers grip the couch the way his arms flexed underearth the baby blue button up he wore.

You quickly closed your eyes before you walked to the kitchen. You cannot be staring at him like that, you were acting like a pervert,

You weren't sure how long you were standing there with your eyes closed, until you hear his voice:

"I'm done"

Your eyes shot open.

"Oh... thanks"

He nods and he opens his mouth- like he's going to say something but he quickly closes it shaking his head.

"I'm going to go"

"Wait" you say as you open a cookie jar.

"This is a thank you... i made them myself"

He nods as he reaches out to grab it.

Your fingertips touch his, and your skin feels like it's on fire. None of you moved, you just stand there, your fingertips touching. You feel his eyes on you, you take your eyes off the cookie, and you see him look at you, his eyes travel to your lips. The air is thick with tension.

His eyes don't leave yours, but in an instant, he quickly grabs the cookie, and he rushes out the door slamming it behind him as he left.

What the fuck just happened?

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manuellawritesfiction · 1 month ago

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No I'm not in love | Joel Miller

series masterlist

Chapter 1: Not you. Never you.

"You are insane" you sigh as Maria burst out into giggles.

"It's true! You two would make such a cute couple"

You cringed slightly at her enthusiasm, as you took another sip of your drink.

You don't like him like that. You know you don't. And Joel obviously wouldn't look at you as more than a friend. You aren't even sure if he sees you as a friend.

Joel Miller is a man of rough edges. The kind of man who speaks with his eyes more than his mouth, weathered by grief, grit, and the weight of survival. (You've heard rumours about how he lost a daughter when the outbreak started, you aren't sure though because he never confirmed or denied anything).

He is slow and deliberate, always calculating, always protecting. Because anyone barley knew him apart from Maria, Tommy and Ellie, you'd like to think that here’s a quiet sadness in him, the kind that settles in his bones and doesn’t ask to be fixed.

(You'd like to think you can fix him, if you were being honest)

And then there’s you.

Bright like morning sun pouring through cracked blinds. You hum when you cook, laugh freely, and find beauty in things Joel’s long since stopped noticing. The dandelions between cracks in the pavement, the way the sky shifts just before it rains. You talk to strangers with ease, offer kindness without condition, and believe in good things still being possible.

You're opposites in every way. He was the silence to your song, the moon to your sun. You're totally not compatible. Maria is crazy to even suggest such a thing.

You were broken out of your thoughts by her hum. You turn to look at her, she swallowed whatever liquid she had in her mouth before she started talking again: "you're in denial" was all she said before she downed the rest of the amber liquid that was in her glass.

Without a response from you, she got up and made her way through the crowd towards Tommy. She was gone. Finally.

All you longed for was a moment of peace, a little silence to collect your thoughts. As much as you loved Maria, she was starting to wear on your nerves. Every other sentence out of her mouth was about Joel: how great your chemistry was, how cute you looked together. You tried to tune it out, to focus on anything else. But just as his name brushed the edge of your thoughts, you heard it: Joel’s unmistakable laugh echoing from across the crowd. You head snapped up and you looked at him.

His brown (mostly grey) hair slicked back, wearing a pair of old jeans a brown jacket, he had a rare smile on his face as he spoke to Tommy and Maria. A soft sigh left your lips at the sight of him. There weren't any words to describe how Joel looked. He was handsome yet so beautiful. Your description of Joel would do no justice to how he actually looks.

As you stared at him, you felt a pair of eyes on you, you turned your head to see Maria with a smirk on her face. You immediately looked down, feeling embarrassed. She was going to bring this up, you knew she was, and you'd be a blushing mess and that would just give her more steam.

You didn't like Joel. Not like that. He was attractive sure, and you were just admiring him.

Is it so wrong to admire something as angelic as Joel?

Your eyes scanned the surrounding area. It was Jackson's 30th anniversary tonight. Townsfolk were everywhere; children were running around as if the world didn't go to shit years ago. The air was electric, filled with laughter, hugs and pure joy. Everyone looked so carefree, so happy.

The town square was decorated with different fairy lights that gave the town a colourful hue. There were different stalls everywhere: one that sold jam, hot dogs, there was even a mini bar. You'd think this was a normal gathering in a normal peaceful world. When events and gatherings happened like this, you'd like to think that everything was ok. That everything was normal, that beyond these walls there weren't any infected.

As the night wore on, you kept drinking, each glass heavier than the last. The alcohol burned as it slipped down your throat, sharp and searing at first, then settling into a slow, familiar warmth in your chest. It made your thoughts hazy, your emotions louder, and your guard a little weaker.

With every sip, your mind drifted deeper. You thought about life, the weight of it, the beauty, the regrets. The good moments that once felt small but now meant everything. The bad ones you tried to bury. Faces you missed. Words you wish you hadn’t said, and the silence that followed the ones you never did.

And then, of course… Joel. Somehow, everything always led back to him.

You remember the first day Joel and Ellie arrived in Jackson. The rumours surrounding Joels return were interesting. You knew people from Jackson loved speculating things (there's only so much you can do during an apocalypse), they did this every time someone new entered the town. They did the same thing with you a few years back when you first moved in.

You've heard that Joel was vicious. That he killed hundreds, that he wasn't remorseful of anything that he's ever done. They all said he was a bad man. And he played the part. He was short tempered, rude, blunt and he even threatened to harm multiple people. This only fuelled the rumours and people were terrified of Joel.

As much as he scared you there was something about Joel that made you want him. You were drawn to him a way that you couldn't explain. You like to believe there's good in everyone and you knew Joel was good deep down. Apocalypses make people do crazy things. You also had to do things when you were trying to survive that you hated yourself for.

And you couldn't lie to yourself he was attractive, and you've always had a think for older men.

You remember the first day you met him.

The bell rang at the flower shop you worked in. Your back was facing the door as you counted how many vases you had left "hi! How can I help-" as you turned around your eyes were met with him.

Joel Miller.

His hair had grown longer than when he first moved to Jackson. He was wearing an old red band tee, with long beige pants that were full of mud and his brown work boots. He was taller than what you expected. You felt really really small.

His eyes went over your form. He started at you intensely before his eyes drifted to the rest of your body. You swear that he was judging you. Or maybe he was looking behind you?

The rest of your meeting was a blur. You remember he asked for blue tulips, you didn't remember for what. He didn't smile once, but he said thank you and he left. As soon as the bell rang again, your knees almost buckled. You knew he was attractive, but he was even more attractive up close.

After that you it seemed the two of you coincidently were at the same places all the time. And every time you saw him, he was cold, stoic and distant.

If Tommy and Maria weren't there, he was the type of man who hovered in the corner at gatherings, arms crossed, expression unreadable. He didn’t talk much, didn’t smile unless it was barely there, and even then, you weren’t sure if it counted.

But he always looked at you.

Across rooms, bonfires, crowded dinner tables, his gaze always found yours. Quietly, steadily. Sometimes it lasted just a second too long. Sometimes it lingered until your breath caught in your throat.

You thought it was just a coincidence, but then the touches happened. They were subtle. Careful. Like he was afraid of breaking you. A hand at your back guiding you through a doorway. His fingers brushing yours when he passed you something. They were quick, almost forgettable, but they weren’t- at least not to you.

They made you feel something. Warmth, maybe? Longing?

You told yourself you were probably overthinking it. That Joel was just being polite. That he was kind like that with everyone, even if part of you knew he wasn’t.

Still… you hoped. Hoped those soft touches weren’t accidental, hoped those lingering glances meant he wanted you, in the quiet, aching way you wanted him.

Because even though he never said a word, the way he looked at you sometimes, it felt like the only truth he didn’t know how to say out loud.

Despite all this you still said you didn't want Joel. You would never date someone like him. You weren't compatible.

You were brought out of your thoughts when the barman asked if you wanted anything else and you declined.

Its best you go home.

But as you got up your eyes caught a horrible sight. Joel and some random lady.

Dancing.

The fuck?

A strange warmth bloomed in your chest, one that stung more than it comforted. You watched him hold her, their silhouettes softened by the golden light, and something about it twisted in your stomach. It was almost unbearable. You felt sick, and not just with jealousy, but with confusion.

If you didn’t have feelings for Joel, then why did it hurt so much to see him with someone else?

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