marselogy

[marselogy]

"YOU"

Written on: 21 January 2019

I have always felt like drowning, like falling;

like no one is going to lift me up

and save me to bring me back up.

I have always felt like I was alone,

like no one can hear me scream;

like everyone left me in an empty room and

no one left the doors open

even just for a single beam.

I have always felt like a burden,

like I'm someone who will make things harder;

yet I only just want to make things even,

and I only want to go further.

I have always felt like the universe is against me,

going against my current just to finally make me give up and flee...

But then you came along,

making me realize that I am not alone -

that I still deserve some saving.

You came along,

making me realize that I can still escape,

and make life worth living.

You came along,

making me realize that I am someone

who can make life still worth spending.

You came along,

making me realize that life is not always darkness -

that there is beauty, even in anything.

You came along,

making me realize that I am still worth loving.

♡♡♡

Uhhh. Happy 4th month. This sums up everything that I need to tell you, so I hope you appreciate it somehow. I'd also like to apologize for everything. Pls allow me to make it up to you. Lahat naman nasosolve eh. Always remember that it is us against all the problems. I know it's been tough, pero I'm always here for you. No matter what. Okay? Still hoping for many more days, months, and years together. Sana enough pa rin ako. I miss and love you so much.

[marselogy]

"YOU"

I have always felt like drowning, like falling;

like no one is going to lift me up

and save me to bring me back up.

I have always felt like I was alone,

like no one can hear me scream;

like everyone left me in an empty room and

no one left the doors open

even just for a single beam.

I have always felt like a burden,

like I'm someone who will make things harder;

yet I only just want to make things even,

and I only want to go further.

I have always felt like the universe is against me,

going against my current just to finally make me

give up and flee...

But then you came along,

making me realize that I am not alone -

that I still deserve some saving.

You came along,

making me realize that I can still escape,

and make life worth living.

You came along,

making me realize that I am someone

who can make life still worth spending.

You came along,

making me realize that life is not always darkness -

that there is beauty, even in anything.

You came along,

making me realize that I am still worth loving.

- M.E.

[marselogy]

[marselogy]

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope." - Maya Angelou 💞💞💞

[marselogy]

An Open Letter (yet again) ♡

So I was brave enough before to say it all to you that I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression and Anxiety. I was (and still am) in medication for it. And just recently, I'm having major episodes again. I know some of you will invalidate this because "I have this and that". Well, newsflash! Even if I have the world in the palm of my hands, my mental condition is not going to change in just a snap. I really hope it could, though, to be honest.

Going back, this is an open letter to everyone who worried about me having a major breakdown at the start of the year. I overdosed with my anxiety meds, and I honestly thought I was never going to wake up. I still managed to go to work that day, so I guess it wasn't really my time yet. I would just like to apologize for worrying you guys. I'm still feeling depressed while I'm typing this. I was really convincing myself that positivity will win, even just for this week; just so I can survive another week. But my condition is devouring me again, and I'm starting to not know what to do anymore. I want to sleep forever to escape, but at the same time, I cannot sleep because my thoughts are too loud. It's difficult to pretend that you're okay, when you know deep down inside you are not.

This also serves as a 'thank you' letter to everyone who gives and is still giving me their support and understanding. I never asked for this condition, and I never wanted this. Thank you very much for staying, and putting up with me. I would also like to apologize for, I guess, being selfish to wanting to leave everyone behind. As mentioned to me before by one of my coaches at work, "Please do understand our frustration as well, we also don't know what to do whenever you're having your episodes." So, really, I do apologize.

So right now, while typing this, I'm doing my best (my very best) to clear my mind. My medications are out of the equation as of the moment, because of what recently happened. And I'm really hoping that by the time I wake up tomorrow, or rather later, everything could turn around and be better.

I am also going to back to my Psychiatrist to have myself checked and evaluated again, because I might be getting worse, and I want to gain control over my life again.

It's not easy. It's not "cute".

If I were only to choose, I would not choose this condition, and I hope no one experiences this anymore.

And to end this, I would like to ask a favor from everyone who read this to always check on your friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, especially those who appear to be strong. Everyone is facing their battles. Let's help each other out.

xoxo,

MARS.

[marselogy]

Happy 3rd month! It was a bumpy ride, but we got through it 💕

When we were approaching our final hours in our 3-day stay in Baguio, I woke up at around 5:30am, and I found myself having a hard time falling asleep again. I was hugging you from behind, then I started to cry. Tears started streaming down from my eyes because I realized how much I love you, and how much it would hurt to live a life without you in it. I realized that I should stay strong and alive to see you achieve all of the dreams you've shared with and told me. I realized that I am very lucky to have you by my side whenever I feel lost and worthless, because you then make me feel that I am found and that I am worth something. I realized how thankful I am that I can touch and hug the person who gave my life more meaning and purpose... I realized how happy I am now because of you. I decided to write these words while I was still trying to stop myself from crying to not wake you up, because this was a vulnerable moment for me, and all of my emotions are just rushing through me. Justine, I am happy to have spent three months of this love ride with you, and I am more than happy to spend more and more - countless months and years - with you. Happy 3rd month, by. I love you so much, always remember that.

And by, please ayoko na mag-away tayo nang ganon ulit. Pinagkakatiwalaan kita. Wag mo naman sana abusuhin. This is your 2nd chance na. Make this count. Mahal na mahal kita. Pero sana wag mo naman ako saktan nang sobra nang ganito. Please? Hindi ko na alam talaga pwede kong gawin if masaktan ako ulit nang ganito. Mahal na mahal kita eh, sana alam mo 'yan. Please sort this out dun sa isa. 'Wag mo nang hintayin na na ako pa kumilos. Please lang. Monthsary na monthsary natin by eh 😭

[marselogy]

Hi, by! Nasa work ako right now. Sorry if mejo hassle yung sched ko. Basta babawi ako bukas. And babawi ako lagi sayo. Hehehe. Ayun. Happy 2nd month, by! 💕 Akalain mo yun? HAHAHA. Basta by, okay lang mastress tayo, basta always think of our end goals and our plans together. Nothing worth having comes easy naman eh, always remember that. Okay? Everyday talaga akong thankful and grateful for having you in my life. And by, sana talaga naaappreciate mo yung efforts ko for you despite my work schedule. And also, kapit ka lang by. Wag ka papatalo sa mga schoolwork and sa finals! Kaya mo yan! Support kita all the way, promise yan! I love you so much! 😘🤗 To many more days, months, and years together! 🥂

SOBRANG MISS NA KITA, BY HUHUHU 😭

[marselogy]

Jowaaaaaa. Happy 1st month. Wahahaha. Kala mo naman 'di kita babatiin? Mukha mo 😂 Nagedit lang ako pictures naten no. Hindi ko na rin masyado dadramahan talaga 'to kasi basically, nasabi ko naman na 'yung mga gusto kong sabihin sa'yo kagabi. Basta by, thankful ako na dumating ka sa buhay ko. Hindi mo lang alam. Hindi ko lang talaga ma-express minsan. Lam mo naman. Basta 'yung commitment/room for improvement ko para less triggers na, gagawin ko talaga 'yun for us. Hindi ako perfect, by. Pero sana 'wag mo 'ko iiwan. Hahahaha. We still have lots of shit to do together, and we still have a long way to go. Pero basta magkasama tayo, kaya natin lahat 'yan. Tandaan mo by, minsan ka lang makakilala ng dyosa na katulad ko. Char. Hahahaha. Basta, mahal na mahal kita. Lagi mong tatandaan 'yan. Lagi kang magiingat kasi alam mo namang concerned na concerned ako sa'yo. Hehehe. Galingan mo lagi sa school, okay? I'll always be your number one supporter. I'll always have your back, no matter what. Basta 'yon! I love you so much, by! 😘💕 To many more months and years to come 🥂

[marselogy]

That feeling when you can deeply relate to the world’s most powerful psi-user.

[marselogy]

"Smile because it confuses people. Smile because it's easier than explaining what is killing you inside." - The Joker (CTTO)

[marselogy]

M E D I C I N E

PEOPLE SAY HAPPINESS IS A NATURAL FEELING.

BUT WHY DO I FEEL LIKE HAPPINESS IS A TASK OR IS A CHORE? THAT IT IS SOMETHING THAT I SHOULD WORK FOR AS IF LIKE I’M A SCIENTIST TRAPPED INSIDE HIS LAB TO CREATE SOMETHING THAT WOULD CHANGE THE WORLD?

EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, ALL I THINK OF MYSELF IS A FAILURE, A LOST-CAUSE, A TRAGEDY, A MISTAKE.

I’M AFRAID TO DO ANYTHING.

I TRIED TO END EVERYTHING SEVERAL TIMES NOW, BUT NEVER DID I SUCCEED.

I ALWAYS GET MAD AND FRUSTRATED THAT I STILL WAKE UP EVERYDAY, AND DEAL WITH LIFE.

I DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE.

AFTER SO MANY YEARS, I TALKED TO SOMEONE DIFFERENT – HE TOLD ME THAT I AM NOT CRAZY, THANKFULLY; I’M JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT AMONG OTHER PEOPLE.

AND THAT IS THE REASON WHY I NEED MEDICINE TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.

BUT HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO RELY ON THIS MEDICINE TO FEEL HAPPINESS?

HOW DOES GENUINE HAPPINESS EVEN FEEL LIKE?

--

M.E.

07 May 2018

[marselogy]

Nobody likes you when you're 23

Hi! It's been a whiiiiile since my last post. And right now, I'm finally able to say it.

I'm 23 years old. Frustrated with every fucking thing. I also don't know what to do anymore.

Yesterday, April 25, 2018, was a memorable date for me. A date that I probably will never forget. Aside from the fact that this was the date that Avengers Infinity War premiered, this was finally the day that I sought out professional help for my mental health condition.

I am diagnosed with Chronic Depression and Anxiety, and I was given medications for each diagnosis. I never thought that I would be on this stage - already taking in medicines to help me with my depression and anxiety. Kinda hard to believe, really. But, oh well...

I'm thankful and I don't regret my decisions. I hope every one who is suffering from mental health issues could find time to seek for professional help.

We can do this!

Be brave!

[marselogy]

x

[marselogy]

You’re the Spider-Man, from YouTube!

[marselogy]

Tom Holland lockscreens

just like/reblog/share love <3

[marselogy]

Surely, a night that I will remember. Thank you, @5sos!!! 😘 More photos and videos soon!!! ☺️ #5SOS #5SecondsOfSummer #SLFLManila #SoundsLiveFeelsLive #concerts #VSCO #VSCOcam (at MOA Arena, Mall Of Asia)

[marselogy]

The best people are not necessarily those who are there in the fun times, rather those who are there when you need someone who will just listen and will never judge you no matter what 👊🏼🍻 #friends #brothers #LateNights #VSCO #VSCOcam