matthlephim

[matthlephim]

First I lol'd then I serious'd

[matthlephim]

Me afterwards: go to sleep my love

Him: but i need to take care of you

Me: i dont feel like i need care rn

Me, five hours later, probabmy a child, having a mental breakdown going on a tumbler rampage, wondering if im an introgect and thinking of ending it all

[matthlephim]

Im kinda exited to think of a name for myself

[matthlephim]

Ok so this blog is a fucking menace to society.

No DNIs but for the live of vod be warnez this blog is rancid

TW

Bpd horrors, suicidality, caregiver angst, some panic fuel

And miselaneus unplesant things thag i am, i think or i experience. (Yes there are unplesant things about my persons im not just being mean)

Some bich who cares will fix this brobably but this is the deal

Also its 19 y/o if thats something you care about wich is dumb (because i dont want to worry about following blogs who give a fuck)

[matthlephim]

The aurora borealis?! At this time of day?! At this time of year?! In this part of the country?! Loated entirely within my kitchen?!

[matthlephim]

[matthlephim]

Trying to top while half of my brain is rutting like its for survival and the other half is crying and singing "I see the light" from tangled to cope with the sex repulsion.

[matthlephim]

Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me die Just let me die just let me die just let me di

[matthlephim]

Trigger Warning: dellusions/paranoia, suicidal thoughts, panic inducing, bpd vent rant, menal health.

Hey so i think we are all dying.

Everything is getting worse and sentences like "2024 was a great year for animation." feel useless.

Is Myuzaki getting you through? Like actualy?? If you just think about your otp maybe the screaming will stop. Maybe if you get exited enoph about how Flow is groundbreaking then it will all be worth it, cuz i have never seen a groundbreaking movie come out before, this means something! What if we all just relate hard enoph to Helluva Boss then we will find it.

Art is wonderfull but how much can you bear?

How long can you look at the pretty colors before your eyes start bleeding?

Sure we all know that doomscrolling will lead to your brains on the wall but im different. I watch art. Real art. With meaning and though. Meaning and though that means something, that changes me, that makes me better. Its not just doomscrolling cuz its 14-45 minute chuncks of self improvent. Good content that gives my brain something to dream about as we all run out of air.

There is no understanding. No hidden wisdom. No philosophy that dosnt crumble and contradict and twist every time you press play. You go deeper and deeper trying to find the answers and it ruins you forever.

I am driven by a thurst for an understanding that i cannot explain and that can never be fullfilled. I cannot find it and it is tearing me apart.

There is no difference between art and content. Draw me a fucking lign i dare you. Its all just a colorfull downward spiral into emptyness desteoying creator and consumer alike and leving their paralized remains to be devoured by capitalist rats.

Burnie Fucking sanders opened for Clairo at coachella. This isnt a sign our world is dying no we are dead. Thid has to be some mass hallucination dying dream bullshit.

We are chasing our tails, going round and round in circles living the same dozen moments over and over again and the only thing beyond this cursed carrosell is horrors ever worsening as the whole thing becomes more and more absurd and distorted adn frightening and the centrifugal force finaly slips you under.

This is so close to becoming an actual fucking delusion for me because i cant find a shred of meaning in this bullshit or myself nomater how hard i try and yea i chase that feeling of understanding to the fucking ends of the earth and even when i find that little nugget of wisdom what fucking good is it gonna do me?!?!?! Im about to break. We are in a death dream and im about to smash my face through the screan cuz the light isnt fucking enoph. Wow i would make that into a fucking lyric but it would just fucking eat me hoover me out till im empty and i have already had enoph of that from this fucking world and from writing this fucking post. Fuck us all i hope i get to be done soon.

[matthlephim]

Tw: some bpd vent and a good deal of bpd confusion

So i have BPD (self diagnosed, if you dont like it thats not my problem) and back in the day i had something interesting happen:

I kinda had a plurality happen?

Like it wasnt like DID cuz it wasnt a mater of different people more like one static, mechanical funcional/structural part and a handfull of completely seperate and very powerfull personalities without any agency or ability to do anything without linking to the structural part. Kinda like molecules?

Like structural part + a personality part = person but nether on their own were a person as far as i understand it or in the way that i am usualy a person.

This whole ordeal lasted about a month and needless to say...

THIS WAS GREAT! I cant understate how my brain is usualy soup, nothing feels good or like it fits right. Nothing is true until i speak it alout wherapon it stops being true. I dont ever feel like i exist hardly and everytime i catch up to myself i then have to watch myself desolve back into mush. Simetimes I find positivity in being fluid but like its often very miserable especialy since i dont usualy have the time to hang out with myself and figure out who i am on any particular day.

IT WAS SO EUPHORIC TO HAVE SOLID PERSONALITY! TO BE ABLE TO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF AND BE ABLE TO ACT ON THAT KNOLEGE IN A WAY THAT WAS AUTHENTIC TO MY EXPERIENCE AND NOT JUST A VAGUE RECONSTRUCTION!

I couldnt find alot of relevant info online though. I read about systems with BPD and how that can work, BPD systems wich im not sure if that aplies to me based on how the relevant beings described their experience

This reddit... thing? (Idk how reddit works).

Also this:

It feels like this is seen as a undesirable state but

I WANNA GET BACK TO THAT!

I read that besides multiplicity being used as a synonim for plurality (so many 'y' my poor dyslexia) its also a controvertial comunity where people who arent plural in the traditional sence do plurality(?). Idk what the drama is there but that sounded like something that could help me. Couldnt find them on tumblr.

My therapyst recomended the acronim LOVE U (locate, observe, validate, exept, update) for some unrelated partswork and that sounds like it could be helpfull for this too.

ANY RECOMENDATIONS?

[matthlephim]

Saving this here for Green 😊

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