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melindalexander · 3 months

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My Journey Through Depression

I'm the kind of person who is known to be private and I don't find the internet to be the sort of place to talk about mental health issues rather to a professional therapist. Lately, I've been finding myself more compelled to share my story and journey of how I dealt with depression over the years.

Some people label depression as a disorder or a disease but I see depression as a different spectrum. It's the aftermath of dealing with something incredibly difficult. Kid you not, it took me so long to realize that I wasn't alone and it is okay to ask for help - I learned that the hard way.

I would like to share my side of reality and hope to help someone who reads this.

I grew up with childhood trauma. It all started with my mother. She passed due to depression when I was 5 years old. One might ask, how is it that no one noticed that she was having mental issues. I come from a secluded Indian family, where the idea of mental health was deemed taboo. We never thought of it, spoke of it and it never existed in our world. Consulting a therapist/ psychiatrist meant that we are crazy (mentally). The way she left traumatized me and still haunts me to this day - if I had not seen her life slip away in front of me. As a girl, I needed my mother. I needed a woman in my life who would protect me from the perverts, someone to teach me what a period is, someone to care for me when I was sick, etc. Her absence made people around me take advantage of my vulnerability. I couldn't cope with my studies nor was I able to maintain long-term friendships during school. I had a hard time accepting my reality and finding people of my age who understood me.

My teen years was a crazy whirlpool. I couldn't find my way out of fights with my family for just trying to make them understand what I was going through. I bet they felt more in denial than I was. Eventually, it progressed into deep anxiety and energy-draining panic attacks. My grandfather was an incredibly supportive man, he made me seek help and motivated me when it came to my education. He truly believed that I would do incredible things in my life (those were his words).

There were serious episodes where I tried to give up on life a few times. I didn't have anyone to back me up or the strength to tell someone how I was feeling. I locked it all up inside me for 20 years.

Of course, in the midst of all this, I found love when I was 15. I know I was too young for love but when you are dealing with so much sadness and escape from this world a little bit of love from someone or something goes a long way. But my relationship wasn't all just roses and petals. It developed into an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship where I couldn't find my way out. There were days I was screaming from inside but smiling outside. I had to give up on my dreams just to please him. I was beaten up to death on occasions when I interacted with my friends or did anything he didn't like (which is everything). Honestly, I thought I was going to die at times as I found it difficult to recover from all the pain he had caused. I couldn't have a normal life like the others. I dealt with it all until he cheated on me. That's when for the first time in my life I found the strength to say no. It took me a year to get him out of my life but I did it.

Eventually, I went on to pursue my education I had paused and found an incredible man who taught me what pure love felt like. It took me time to get used to his affection as I felt undeserving or odd about how good he was to me. To this day, I do deal with depression and anxiety. I was recently diagnosed with hereditary depression as my mother passed it onto me. I try to deal with it on my own without the requirement of a professional as I find it to be a better option and much more rewarding as I tend to learn things better in my own way and pace. I wouldn't recommend it for all but do what makes you feel comfortable and helpful.

As I grew older over the years, I realized that I wasn't alone. I met people who went through similar incidents. Though I sometimes couldn't find people of my age who understood me, I made friends of various ages who did. Overall, I learned to make friends. I gained the confidence to speak up about what's right and wrong. Time heals everything. Time changes things but you change on what life throws at you. I lost people but I gained a whole lot of good people in my life.

To the reader who has read up to this point, you are not alone. It might seem dark and sad, and you might feel incredibly stuck crying over the things that truly hurt you. It is all going to be good. Time heals everything. Seek help at any cost. Talk to your closest friend or family. If possible, try seeking the help of a professional. They are educated in their field for a reason. Don't spend your time and energy thinking about how challenging your life is. Enjoy the smallest of joys life offers you as life is sensibly very short.

You are beautiful, strong, and incredible. I hope this helps :)

#depression #mental illness #mental health #life

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