mentalyentl

[mentalyentl]

I’m always in everyone’s corner when they need me. But when I look at mine it’s always empty.

Loneliness

[mentalyentl]

“No one cares if I succeed or fail, and I don’t care much either anymore.”

- whatever happens, happens

[mentalyentl]

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough..

[mentalyentl]

I want to say goodbye

I really don't know why i keep going. Every day I wake up and start throwing up because I wonder if I'm going to be able to make it through the day. I try and think of reasons why, reasons why I should be happy, reasons why I should keep going. But I can't. I force myself to get up only because if I dint I I know it will be worse. I just don't want to keep going.

I've been trying to figure out a way to do it that won't break mum. She guilted me today by reminding me how hard it is to bury a child but I dint know if that's enough to stop me anymore. It hurts so much. It's choking me. I feel like my chest is just being squeezed and I can't breathe. I just want the pain to go away.

I'm being torn apart and I keep trying to save myself and being pushed under. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been closer before but every day it feels like I'm taking a little step closer. I'm thinking about the day I move out. I think that will be the dangerous one. That first night alone.

I keep imagining being actually alone and all I see is darkness. I know there's people who would save me but I dint think I want to be saved. I don't like that world and I don't want to be in it.

I've stopped telling my friends how down I am. I'm pretty sure they're tired of hearing it. I think they're tired of me in general. It seems like I'm always a burden and that's not fair. They have their own problems. I'm always screwing things up, I'm always the downer because I'm so tired of pretending to be okay.

[mentalyentl]

My Zahir

So after 12 years I got the boot. At first I was relieved. Things have gone progressively down hill and the fact that he was a jerk made it easy to simply be angry at the situation and gear up to go out. I packed like a banshee and stood my ground with my big girl panties on. Then he threw me a curveball - 24 hours later and I get told he’s only kicking me out because he’s been suicidal and he doesn’t want me to be there for that. Wait what?!??!??!?! Oh hell no. 

I tell this guy there’s no damn way I’m letting him do a thing, I’m behind him, I’ll stand with him through this, I will make sure he gets help, and I will 100% be there for him, even if it’s only on the end of the phone when things are rough. He promises he will get therapy but he has to work on him before he can work on us. Fine. If it gets me the man I fell in love with back instead of the closed off jerk that has been around the last year then I’m all for taking a breather, traveling for the summer and coming back refreshed to give it another go. We talk like we haven’t talked in years and my stupid heart tumbles right over because sitting in front of me once more is the man who made up poetry and used to talk to me about everything. We fall back into the normal of just staring at each other while we’re going about the day, because we both admit we may not be able to much longer so it’s like a magnet we can’t stop. I suddenly have hope. Hope that everything will go back to how it once was, to when we were happy, and he even admits that we were so happy. There’s even a joke about getting better and maybe thinking about getting married at one point. We awkward smile at each other all the rest of the day. There’s noises about maybe not moving out but just taking a break and traveling for a few weeks. He seems a little wary so I’m not pushing it. I guess that’s my plan then. Keep it open and try and breathe through this as a big speedbump. 

24 hours later and I have an angry phone call because I had the audacity to go look up the therapist at the VA for him (so he can’t get out of it by saying he’ll do it once he has the information since it’s right there). I went to his older brother (who told me I was over reacting to being told he’s almost committed suicide 3 times in 6 months so far) and said he would talk to him but he sounded more pissed that I dared call since I’m now the “ex” and no longer welcome in the family. I called his niece who confirmed he’s so closed up he won’t even talk to her anymore to make sure I wasn’t imagining this rabbit hole and being played. He’s mad because I took his statements seriously because anyone reading the rest of my posts knows full well I’ve been there. I’m not sorry. He’s growled and grunted at me for the rest of the day. The hint was “why haven’t you left yet”. Am I supposed to move out permanently now? 

Let’s just add in these three days my mother’s in hospital with heart trouble and my aunt died. Oh and work? HA. 30 phonecalls and not a single reply.  I’m sunburned because I spent so long on the phone with family. 

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I wish I had an answer. Honestly I just need to know if this hope is a joke or not. I’m so full of hope and love for this man right now that I’m bursting with it because I saw him. The him I know is there, the him I’ve been in love with all along, knowing he was inside under all the crud, but I’ve been told hands off and keep out. He won’t even say I love you and I have no idea where the fuck I stand. He’s working so I can’t do anything about it today and I’m worried about trying to remind him i’m here either with a touch or an “I love you, are you okay” because I feel I’m just pushing him away. 

Why is this so darn complicated? 

[mentalyentl]

Stop this ride I want to get off

well it looks like the lovely manic swing I’ve been riding for a couple of months finally crashed down. I can barely force myself to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m staring at things for hours again, I’m comfort eating to the tune of 6-10lb a week gain, I play more skyrim than I work because at least that way I’ve “accomplished” something. I had a total of 3 hours of sleep last night and in retrospect if I’d have gotten up and painted rather than stared I would at least have something to show for it. 

Did you know the quickest you’ll die from cutting your wrists is 10-15 minutes if you do it right? Never knew that until last night. I actually thought about falling from soemthing high too. That peace of the wind rushing past knowing there’s no other decisions to make sounds amazing. 

I know I’ve got work, and I know I have bills but it’s getting harder and harder to force myself to do anything other than lay on the bed. I’ve canceled several social plans just because I couldn’t face leaving the house. I don’t even want to be in the group chat with friends anymore because every time I see one of them post about losing weight or being fucking happily married I want to cry and it makes it worse. 

Usually mum’s calls at least perk me up for a bit, no, instead I’ve been constantly ragged at. There goes that wanting to go home but not actually be at home moment. 

Him? Oh, ha, that’s a laugh. I now get a face and learning away if I even try to make an effort at being within 3 feet. #nothingmorethanaconvenientvagina

Thing 2 is showing back up today and I really can’t deal. The last thing I want is either her chirpy self or her lazy self to remind me just how disgusting I am because these days I’m just like her. 

Oh and to top it off I’ve skipped again so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s early menopause or if the palpitations and that just mean that I’m dying anyway. 

[mentalyentl]

I wish I could just stop feeling

[mentalyentl]

[mentalyentl]

Pretty much what I see in my future in the next couple of years if I survive that long

Look. I’m in my mid-30s so as your elder, take this piece of advice:

Never get too set in your ways, particularly if “your ways” involves being alone a lot.  I’m an introvert and I enjoy solitude but trust me on this – the more alone you are, the more you get used to that solitude, the least you feel like socializing and at some point, you kind of lose those social skills and little by little, that solitude you chose turns into loneliness and it’s very hard to bear. 

Be open minded. Try to push yourself out of your comfort zone from time to time. Give people a chance. 

Do it while you can and your life habits and routine aren’t totally formed so you don’t end up at 36, alone and finding every potential partner you meet annoying.

Trust me. You don’t want that.

[mentalyentl]

[mentalyentl]

“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you are there.”

— Unknown

[mentalyentl]

A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera - Say Something

[mentalyentl]

I'm dating another narcissist

My ex had a very identifying personality. He was the classic narcissistic sociopath. He was scary. Enter "Mr rescue" who could scare the scary away. I'm not gonna lie, that was a big deal. When a guy can precisely lift a car has attempted to kidnap and kill you sleeping next to someone that scares him makes you feel a hell of a lot safer.

But its amazing how we seem to go for the same thing over and over again. It's 8 years on and today we had our first genuine fight. I had to say my point 4 times and he still didn't listen. I finally had to break it down the way I would to a child, followed by explaining the way I felt and the response I got was a shrug and an oh well. No attempt to fix things, no attempt to salvage anything. Oh well.

I have never felt less wanted than that moment. Sitting next to a man who had no desire to make me stay. Not making any effort to deny the fact that he wants me out the door. It wasn't a hint, it was a fucking neon sign. I guess I'm out, maybe not physically, but emotionally that was it. I'll pack, and move on

[mentalyentl]

You used to

You used to tell me you couldn't sleep without me but now you can barely sleep next to me. You used to come up with excuses to be able to touch me but now if i touch you, you jump like I've scalded you and ask what I'm doing. You used to ask me what i was doing just because you were thinking about me but now you cut me off when I'm trying to talk and tell me you have to go. You used to tell me about the different smiles i have but now you can't even see when I'm sitting next to you trying to stop crying. You used to drive hundreds of miles just to spend a few hours with me but now you spend a few hours with me only to be on your phone the entire time. You used to be my knight in shining armor whenever i needed help, but now everything else is more important. You used to tell me that nooneelse could replace me, but now i have to pretend not to see the others taking my place. You used to be afraid i would leave, but now you barely notice if I'm here. You used to make me feel loved.

[mentalyentl]

Maybe?

I think I might have figured out what I want to be when I “grow up”. I’ve always been interested in photography, but while I like doing it, the actual process is no longer as appealing to me. I loved film, reveled in the darkroom and it took me a long time to warm up to digital. The only issue I have with it is that I make far more mistakes because I know I can “fix it later”. 

I’ve noticed that many photographers put down those learning. They don’t want the competition because “everyone is a photographer”. It’s true, everyone is. the thing is that not every photographer is the same. That’s like telling someone who has an interest in cancer that there’s already scientists working on the cure so they shouldn’t bother. Why? Why stop people pursuing something they’re interested in unless you’re so threatened by even the thought of competition and so insecure about your own skills?

I like learning, and I think I might like teaching. I’ve started a group, and I’m trying to blog more and I have an “apprentice” of sorts right now who I’m going to meet this afternoon. 

[mentalyentl]

[mentalyentl]

Just one time

Isn’t it funny how everyone ignores how depressed you are? And when you’re like really down, everyone is annoyed of you and are saying things like “Why don’t you smile?” Or “Stop being so down”. Well sorry but I can’t change the way I am. Maybe it would be a great way to help me up and telling me that it’s ok to be depressed. Maybe you should hold me more often because I crave being hugged by someone who actually cares. I’m begging you to care. Just one time