messssywriter

[messssywriter]

The ocean

It’s another night

Feet in the sand, my hands in the air

Taking in breathes as I release a rhythm of all the things I couldn’t say out loud

Pain

Grieve

Friendships

Relationships

Loneliness

As the air from the breeze drys the tears on my face

I look up to the sky…

I can no longer see the clouds. Just a windy dark night

Filled by thousands of stars, and each one is looking at me

The sound of the waves crashing onto one another

I’m stuck in the song

Beautifully played, by the waves, the ocean, the breeze,

It’ all just comes to place

Once it’s over,

the moment I no longer hear my sobs behind the crashing of the tides

I realize the moment has passed, I’ve finally reached shore

and I’m okay now

—- it takes time.

[messssywriter]

I’m a quiet crier

I hold my breath, and I count to 10

1 I say softly pulling my hair out

2, I’m singing the song with bleeding ears from my own voice

3 and over sharing and over bearing

They’ve always said it would get better

4 I wish I wwouldnt talk so much or so often

Annoying should have been my name

Reaching the mile, it’s only 5, and they tell me this is just the beginning

But I was only 6, and I still remember the feeling of scabs that’s never heal

So I itch till I’m 7 and those are just scars I’ve hid

But I didn’t think at 8 I’d be so fond of hurting

Not hurting others but hurting me..

Hurting until I felt completely numb, but I became a women at 9 and so they played the song

“Big girls don’t cry.” They say

But I find myself keeping old habits and loving the wrong people

When will I ever learn

I reach 10 and the noise becomes quiet, the pain eases and I don’t know what to cry about anymore

- maybe it’s okay to teach yourself not to feel the things we can’t control…

[messssywriter]

I’m a quiet crier

I hold my breath, and I count to 10

1 I say softly pulling my hair out

2, I’m singing the song with bleeding ears from my own voice

3 and over sharing and over bearing

They’ve always said it would get better

4 I wish I wwouldnt talk so much or so often

Annoying should have been my name

Reaching the mile, it’s only 5, and they tell me this is just the beginning

But I was only 6, and I still remember the feeling of scabs that’s never heal

So I itch till I’m 7 and those are just scars I’ve hid

But I didn’t think at 8 I’d be so fond of hurting

Not hurting others but hurting me..

Hurting until I felt completely numb, but I became a women at 9 and so they played the song

“Big girls don’t cry.” They say

But I find myself keeping old habits and loving the wrong people

When will I ever learn

I reach 10 and the noise becomes quiet, the pain eases and I don’t know what to cry about anymore

- maybe it’s okay to teach yourself not to feel the things we can’t control…

[messssywriter]

I love art

The paint, the mess, the things we don’t understand

The love, the making, the hurt

Of things we don’t see

The laughter, the hidden smiles, the happiness

Paint that speaks

Tells the story, one that makes you feel alive

Reminds of you the things you love

The people you dwell upon

Even those you’d burn for

With Hundreds of meanings, flooded by paint

We see what we want and feel what we can

Of all the beautiful things we don’t understand

I love art because it says it all without saying nothing at all

— god paint me the sky again,

I want to feel alive…

[messssywriter]

when kafka said "all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding" and when richard siken said “if you love me, you don’t love me in a way I understand.”

[messssywriter]

The start of the year has taught me a lot and has allowed me to appreciate those who have stayed content in my life.

For the people in my life,

for the ones I’ve met,

the friends I’ve made and yet, the ones I’ve lost.

Don’t lend your ear to anyone

Watch the steps you make and don’t follow the shadows

They are not good people

Keep quiet is always the best even when you think they deserve to know

Sometimes you may not be enough to the people you love but that doesn’t mean you’re not worthy

Apologies go hand at hand. Except the mistakes but also awknowlege when it’s not entirely your fault.

Don’t hold yourself accountable for others actions

Love yourself to respect yourself

Know when it’s best to walk away

Remember good intentions always come with consequences

Don’t sell out the source, remember snakes exist even in places you never thought, in people you never saw.

Walk with God, or the devil will follow.

You can’t change what people think of you

No matter how many times you apologize. stop apologizing

Fuck those who question you and your credibility.

We are human, and though we are not perfect, life will indeed fuck you.

It will take people, it will make you feel like the worst person in the world

But you are not a bad person because a problem was bad.

You’re not wrong because they say you are

If you believe you did right, leave it at that

The universe will pay you back

Loyalty is fed by loyalty

Trust is a bind that is filled with years of companionship and commitment

Don’t stand with those who sit beside you

Don’t run with those who walk

Life moves, even when it feels like it could end,all you have to do is move forward

Even if that means taking the first step

I know it’s scary but you’ll never know until you try

Remember Life keeps moving, and if you don’t catch up it’ll leave you behind, Whether it chooses you or they don’t.

You’ll be okay.

[messssywriter]

Grieve

The sound of air whispers in your ear

The feeeling of essence slowing brushing your hair out of your face

The smell of flowers and old perfume that is glazed around this room

You told yourself you wouldn’t touch untill the scent died

But her fragrance trapped in here as if she hadn’t left

The flowers still bloomed like she once watered them

Reminding you of every laughter that echoed in the room

As her smile paints across the sky

You look around and every pillar of your life seems to be carried by her soul

Leaving tattoos on your body of all the places she’s touched

Her soft voice still Tears you apart even when you don’t hear her

Yet her screams become louder as soon as you get closer

Feeling the pinch of her warmth one last time

I always thought I’d go quieter

But she followed me as the night went darker

I close my eyes, and yet as though I can’t see

The feeling of my chest burning through my clothes

Only remind me how much I still loved her even when she left

— I hate to mourn living people

[messssywriter]

[messssywriter]

blood is so beautiful. I forget bleeding is bad sometimes

[messssywriter]

“The things I find most beautiful about a person are almost never physical.”

— Mark Patterson

[messssywriter]

journey iii. doing

It's fine

I'm just not very

Happy

It's fine

I'm just not very

Happy

It's a fine life

It's just not very

Happy

It's a fine life

Just a lot of

Empty

It's alright, I guess

I'm just

Unhappy

With it, I guess

It's a good life

It just doesn't have

A lot of

Light left

In its eyes

It's a good life

Sometimes I'm

Laughing

It just hasn't

Made me

Happy

It's a good life

Count my blessings

They just haven't led to being

Happy

It's a great life

I've got friends who love me

Why can't I be

Happy?

It's a life.

It's just forgot

How to be

happy

It's a life

It just forgot

How to

Share it with

somebody

it's a good life

it's just left

its meaning

somewhere along

the journey

what was I

supposed to be

doing?

[messssywriter]

Mom

Mi madre.

I sometimes wonder who you’d be

If didn’t exist.

I wonder where you’d be…

Hopefully, enjoying the sun somewhere beautiful

I wonder if you ever got the chance to love

Before I came along…

I wonder where you would be

Under the stars while you read your favorite books only worried about the next story …

While your fingers anxiously fidget with the ends of the pages, hoping after its all finished,

It’s beautiful.

I wonder where you are

When I am around

While you stare into my eyes

But I hardly see you

I often wish we had talked more

But I am afraid that the stars in your eyes only shine when I am not around

I'm afraid of what truth hides beneath your smile

Could I possibly be the one to drown you in sorrows?

The one who came in to destroy your only escape from the misery you were forced to live?

Could I have been the reason why you never said the words

“I love you.” Effortlessly.

But I’m too afraid of what you might say behind those tired eyes.

“Mama te quiero.” My soft sounds only echo against these walls, trapped inside, because I am too afraid to love you out loud.

I Can only love you the way you’ve taught me

But I can’t help wonder where you’d be

If the stars could talk, they’d say you were too young to grow up.

To give us life when you just started yours

But you gave us all you could and more

We lay beneath the stars as they glistened in your eyes

Your smile formed against the winds

And I could still hear your teenage laugh.

- “in another world, you got to live not just survive”

[messssywriter]

Death

Death is quiet

Behind every terror, bad thought, and cries

We just never see it coming.

It’s almost soft

Tiptoes around you, makes you laugh, yet it feels so air tight in the room when will I ever breathe again?

So we begin the ceremony

We circle around one another, hand by hand

Listening to our hearts,

To what hurts the most

Eye to eye

And it makes us resemble who we really are.

Wondering if all along we knew it’d feel this way

The Terrros they come alive when we sleep but they never tell us how they follow us in the light.

While others see, and watch us crumble, feeling the aches,

Our bodies begin to numb,

Feeling Frozen with the wind, but it’s so cold in here.

I’d like to think he went easy.

I’d like to think he followed the stars and on his way back he caught a shooting star, and though he won’t come back, I’d imagine wherever it took him, it was beautiful.

Wherever it is

I hope he’s warm

Under his favorite blanket, eating his favorite supper,

I hope his mom is there holding his hand,

Cause God how I wish a thousands time to hold you.

To hug you

To feel your chest against mine, while our hearts sync, just one last time

But it’s too quiet now

The walls are darkened by the curtains I keep closed

I’m afraid of what I could let in, if I simply just let go.

I’m afraid if the noise becomes to loud, I may not be able to hear you

Behind Soft whispers from the wind

The echoes from an empty room

The creeks in the hallway from every lost step

They remind me that you were once here

In this place, in this room we call home.

But it feels to quiet now. Just my breathes and cries fill the space. I know you’ve reached it, and I know this is it now…

But I really hope it’s beautiful.

[messssywriter]

Mi Casi Algo (my what if)

Dear, you

Today is my wedding day and although this is supposed to be the most magical day of my life

I’m sitting in a chair, secluded from the outside in my wedding dress, barefoot, in hot July weather, as I wonder where you might find yourself.

How is the weather? Have you brought your self to marry her yet? I’ve heard she’s lovely, I’ve only seen pictures from to time to time.

She brings out a smile in you I’ve only seen.

So I’m sure she’s the one.

Endless you’re in rumbles of doubts…

I’ve only kept tabs on you for as long as I could, tried to make peace from the last time we spoke. The things we said, and the things that were left unsaid.

But when I met him he was great.

He made me laugh, we did cute dates that often reminded me of you. we played thumb wars, watched the sunset, and had picnics.

He reminded me so much of you that I fell inlove with him.

Yet, if my children ever ask how I met their father, I’d probably tell a different story, and not one that mentions you.

I’ll tell them about the first day we met, how he couldn’t take his eyes off me, how he loved to hear me talk… but I won’t tell them that he reminded me of you.

But I can’t help think of you.

The letters, my vows they are written so eloquently, nicely done but I’ve always been a great writer.

But I’m afraid if I read them out loud they might be about you.

Apart of me thinks the moment I walk down the aisle it might be you waiting on the other side, but it’s only in my dreams that I see you.

I hate that I’m hopeful. That this chapter of my life was left unfinished.

One I could no longer continue to write to tell our story, one I could not finish for me.

Although you might not think of me or wonder of me anymore, and this letter might be left unread or tossed away

I hope you know I didint write this in hopes you’d come back even if my heart dwells on it.

Even if my soul searches for you in him.

I hope you know I’ve loved you for so long that I’ve learned to love him, and even if he will never be you, at least I know he loves me.

Sincerely, me

[messssywriter]

if we cannot end war,

If the blood of children’s hands reach mine, i am afraid of what I might have to see.

The blood on American flags, while deployment to see beautiful countries, only to destroy them.

Murder.

Kill.

But if we cannot end war

If we cannot stop the rebels

Rape, murder, rape, murder

Again and again.

I’ve seen it all in the night,

Children’s cry and the birds sing

And we think life is beautiful, but I’m afraid to see it all.

If we cannot end war,

Then the sky would be blue and the smoke from Palestine would not reach the gates of heaven,

Children would sing

But their cry for help was never heard.

Im afraid to see it all.

If we cannot end war

Then genocide would not exist.

Children would laugh, feeding the earth with their smiles, not their blood.

Countries would unite, building empires honoring their Gods through prayer.

They say the love of Christ conquers, yet I am afraid of what the blood of Christ has done.

Im truly afraid to see it all.

If we cannot end war.

[messssywriter]

[messssywriter]

We need to stop telling womxn that they are beautiful...

We need to start telling womxn that they are strong, capable, resilient, brave, and extraordinary.

We need to stop influencing womxn that the image of themselves is all that they are.

because she is beautiful, she will be respected.

Because she is gorgeous, she will be loved

Because she is noticed, she is worthy.

We need to teach womxn, because they are strong, they deserve to be respected.

Because they are capable, they deserve to be heard.

Because she is extraordinary, she deserves to be herself.

She is so much more than just beautiful, she is so much more than that.

She is so fucking amazing.