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[mhzking]

Bees in my fucking head

There is a phrase that has been going around the ADHD community on tiktok 'bees in my fucking head' and I think it is the most accurate phrase I've ever heard. I love my bees, they are part of what makes me, me, but recently, good lord do i want to hire a fumigator. It's real. The bees just hover, they are unable to just sit still, they are always looking for more nectar or more pollen and are just generally moving all the time. If you have ever watched the path a bumblebee takes, it's never in a straight line, they are always going off in random directions, and that's what my thoughts do. People talk about a train of thought, which should make sense, the thought progresses forwards, only going forwards, and only every changing direction slowly. A train can't just do a right angle turn, or even do a U turn, but a bee can. My bees of thought just do whatever the hell they feel like doing, and they are CONSTANTLY changing direction. 

Do you know how distracting it is to be trying to write out an essay that barely interests you, and then suddenly your brain is singing 'Keep it Gay' from the hit musical turned movie, 'The Producers' but its only the line "what a wild idea, but it just might work", except the line is actually "it's a wild idea, but it just might work" so you spend the next 20 minutes googling different variations of 'what a wild idea' and nothing is coming up, because that is just a normal phrase, until you stumble upon a karaoke version where someone has mis-transcribed it, and you can finally work out where the line is from. Its seriously fucking distracting, and by the time you go back to the essay, and look over the last paragraph you've written, and it may as well be in hieroglyphics because you've got absolutely NO idea where the paragraph is going let alone the sentence you were working on, and the title may as well be in French because you know all of those words individually but who the hell would string them together to make that monstrosity of an essay prompt?? 

There are lots of other fun phrases and terms that have been going around, rejection sensitivity dysmorphia. It's a really fun one, where if anyone ever tells you that you are wrong or bad or just generally makes you not feel like the sun shines out of you, your brain blows it WAYYY out of proportion. Recent examples include, my friend Hayden telling me that he didn't want to live with me next year, after he had said he wanted to live with me. Perfectly reasonable, especially since he is also neuro divergent, but when I found out, I cried for the next 3 hours on and off. "Normal" people would probably be a bit upset and move on. I found this out 2 weeks ago, and I haven't been the same since. 

"Burnout", this one is a real fucking doozy. I wish I could explain how I have felt for the past few weeks, but this is the only way I can describe it, through explaining what I have managed to do in the last week. It's currently Thursday, and my days have been exactly the same ever since Saturday. In fact, the first time I left Harry French since Saturday, when I went to Lidl, was Wednesday to pick up my meds. All I have spent my days doing is: my embroidery, watching TV, watching movies, scrolling a million miles on social media (mostly tiktok), eating ramen noodles, and sleeping. I feel completely numb, even TV shows and movies that normally leave me in floods of tears only elicited a few lonely drops. I would love to be able to just curl up in a ball and stare at the walls, but the bees make that a little bit hard.  I have burn out, specifically educational burn out. I haven't attended any lectures, watched them on review, or even skimmed through the material. I wake up at 10 am or later everyday, and stay awake until midnight or later. I can't nap, I can't cry, I can't read, or concentrate, or follow the plot of anything with more than about 5 characters before I end up giving up. I can normally watch a TV show for 6 seasons straight before I give up. I couldn't count the number of TV shows I have started and gotten bored of before the end of the first episode. 

I can't sit still, but I can't do anything. I'm considering reminding my mother that I am transgender and gay, so she will scream at me just so I can feel something. Even self harm doesn't elicit the same experience it used to. Sitting in the bottom of the shower with the heat turned up so high that the steam leaves the bathroom hard to see in, listening to sad music, doesn't even make me feel like the main character in a sad teen movie anymore. I just don't feel anything. All the normal little things that would bring me joy, like getting new stickers, painting my nails fun colours, remembering to brush my teeth and wash my face before bed, or even making sweet treats and eating them just add to the layers of numb. I don't even know who I'm writing this to. I'm just done. 

I'm not writing this as a call for help, or even for a response. I'm just writing to try and understand it myself.