mindswehave

[mindswehave]

The Eating-Too-Much-of-an-Edible-to-Seem-Cool-in-Front-of-your-New-Boyfriend to Having-Otherworldly-Visualizations-that-Lead-you-to-Believe-you-Knew-him-in-a-Past-Life pipeline

Heather Sillins. January 22, 2024

(Photo via Vice)

I first met my now-boyfriend when I was coming out of a toxic relationship. I was really in no place to be starting over with someone new, but the pull I felt towards him was undeniable, so in true 21-year-old fashion, I said fuck it and took a leap of faith. We had been dating only a month or so when he invited me to spend the night and take some edibles. I ate more than I should have with great confidence – as if it would make me seem like it wasn’t one of the first times I had done edibles (once again, in true 21-year-old fashion). Well, about an hour in I started to completely trip out. I was laying in his arms, in his bed, when I began thinking about how new the whole thing was. I spent the year prior feeling like my legs were buried two feet underground in a sandstorm due to my last relationship turning in a direction I had never expected. Perpetually flirting with leaving my ex but incapable of committing for far too long. On a random Friday night I was able to make the dash and ran directly into someone else’s space. I was happy about it, but somewhat alarmed by how quickly I was moving on. Now I was in a new man’s bed with my head on his chest, out of my mind off half an edible, trying to act like everything was how it should be. I felt weird. I felt like I knew him so well without really knowing him at all. I felt shocked by my ability to leave my ex-boyfriend of 3 years in the dust one random Friday night. I felt so at home and so confused by the comfort this new person brought me. I told him I needed to close my eyes and turned away from him so he wouldn’t see the thoughts written on my face. My eyes were closed, my mind was racing. Suddenly, in my mind's eye, I was looking into a slightly shifting milky glaze – comparable to looking at a glass slide through the lens of a microscope. After a few seconds the space was stained with purple and blue dye. The dye swirled around before falling into its form – the side profiles of two skulls – one larger – blue, and one smaller – purple. In an intuitive wave, and with no cognitive reasoning, I somehow knew it was us. It felt like an image of our souls resting together in a past life. I imagined a different version of us buried next to each other in a cemetery plot somewhere in the world. I internalized it as a sign that I was where I was supposed to be. That this person I had only known for a few months was going to end up being someone very important to me. Someone that changed my life. Someone that showed me what the word love really meant. I felt overwhelmed... and a bit out of my mind. Here I was with a brand new person, panicking in his bed, on an internal spiritual journey uncovering our past and future, and I couldn’t even tell him because I had only just met him. But I felt it without a hint of doubt. All my fear of starting over with someone new melted away that night. It was the only time I felt connected to a life that I, consciously as my now-self, had never lived. A few months later he told me I was the color purple. He wasn’t sure why, he just saw purple and thought of me. Again, a wave of peace came over me. Still, I didn’t tell him what that meant. A year or two later, I told him what I felt that night. He laughed at the thought of a younger version of me panicking over a sense of destiny while he was oblivious next to me – totally enamored by Regular Show or Shark Tank or whatever mindless show we had on. It’s been nearly four years since that moment and it still leaves me with a sense of clarity that I can’t quite explain.

[mindswehave]

27 Things I Learned Before 27.

Brush your teeth before bed every night.

It’s always worth it to wash your makeup off after a night out. 

It’s the people, not the place. 

If you’re lucky, no one loves you more in the whole entire world than your mom. 

You don’t know the outcome until it happens (5 ½. Anxiety is just made up conspiracy theories about yourself).

You experience time on your own timeline. 

You have power – use it. 

When you have the idea, you’re ready. 

You’ll never regret buying the concert ticket. 

Your BEST friends are the ones you can sit on the couch with for hours without speaking…and you also have no photos with them. 

Always listen to the music you love, no matter what. I’d recommend starting the day with “Unwritten” by Natasha Beddingfield every once in a while. 

Karaoke is always a good idea. 

Your friend’s success is your success. 

Buy. The. Shoes. 

Don’t spend too much time with the unenthused. 

Listen to the music and watch the videos your friends send you.

You teach others how to treat you.

Brooklyn is best. 

So is home. 

Your sister knows you better than anyone in the world. 

Don’t buy into trends. And don’t buy something just because it’s on sale. 

Make a "dinner making" playlist.

It’s never worth it to stalk your ex on the internet.

Save voicemails from your family and friends. 

Everyone thinks they are bad at their job. 

Keep your old journals. 

Change is one of the most beautiful things we are allowed to experience – never stop learning about yourself.

[mindswehave]

Let Them.

“Asking for help is a form of intimacy in itself.”

My Co-Star told me that this morning. I love astrology. I take things to heart with it, but it doesn’t control my life. It’s just always fun to add a little extra meaning to things, especially the mundane.

However, this struck a bit of a different chord with me. A somewhat traumatic event happened to me recently, led by a week of being alone…like actually alone…for most of the days. No running around, lots of sitting, and even more thinking.

So here I am with my ruminating thoughts and the leftover crab rangoons my best friend treated me to, facing the thoughts head on.

I’ve come to realize my hyper-independence comes from a rejection of dependency. I hate needing people. I hate asking for help. I say sorry…far too much…even to the ER doctor while they are inspecting an open wound on my leg.

Back to that first sentence, the sentence I’ve glossed over my entire life and have failed to recognize time and time again — I don’t know where it stems from — all I know is I have this fear of depending on people. I always assure myself as a trusting person, someone who can always see the best in others, and I do. Sometimes at the expense of my own comfort, but I believe everyone deserves a chance. But, not being able to trust others — especially those closest to me — is a bit insulting, is it not? But that’s not my intention; I am headstrong in protecting myself from being hurt.

This week…I got hurt. Badly. Ended up with 13 stitches from a freak fall at a pug’s 1st birthday party. Yet, I got carried, my shoes and socks removed, cleaned in a bathtub, AND driven to the ER…all because it’s what I needed. And for some reason, they thought I was worth it to make sure I didn’t have to look at the blood or to make sure I had a pair of slip-on shoes on for the car ride.  

Notice how I said, “I was worth it?” There goes that distrust again. For as long as I can remember, I’ve faced feelings of unworthiness: not being the coolest, or the funniest, or if I’m actually even liked.

“Let them.” I heard this the other day, a life coach was talking about moments of disappointment – just say, “let them.” They made dinner plans without you? Let them. They didn’t add you to the group chat? Let them. I think this is a great anxiety management tool, however, I am now thinking of it in the sense of; You DID get invited to dinner? Let them. They sat with you in the ER for 3 hours? Let them. They bought you crab rangoons? Let them.

“Let them.”

Don’t use distrust and insecurity as an excuse to not experience some of the most fulfilling relationships of your life. When your people extend their hands, let them. Hold onto them. For as long as you need. Because it’s okay to need, just like they need you back. There’s a reason they stay around.

And to my best friends, thank you for staying around. Thank you for trusting me with your needs. I promise to do better moving forward; I promise to tell you when I need you to sit with me and I promise to make you laugh while we wait in the ER.

x

Liv

[mindswehave]

In times of anxiety and stress I turn to words of affirmation. I take a piece of blank paper, tape it to my mirror, and fill it with things I need to hear or remind myself of when they don’t seem to come as easily as they used to.

My favorites right now are: “You experience time on your own timeline” and “Let people experience you."

I’m having a tough time dealing with the concept of “experience” right now - including but not limited to jobs, relationships, and…well, life.

I have actively been trying not to bury myself in insecurities of “I don’t have *the ideal* experience to deserve this…” because by doing that, I shade myself from all the opportunities and people that choose me BECAUSE I myself AM an experience. My timeline is what has made me…well, (you guessed it) me.

Don’t forget that YOU are an experience for others. And that people choose you and doors open for you and lights turn on for you simply because of your existing.

Everyone has been gifted their own timeline to explore. It may not have all the bells and whistles you wish, but it is still an incredible and valid existence.

Thanks for reading and I’m glad our timelines have intersected :)

[mindswehave]

Been a little bit in my head lately but as things start to unfold, I notice I am beginning to recognize the magic in the little moments again.

I remember a few years ago when I had been going through a horrible time, and once I was finally free of it starting to move on and process, I told my mom that I could really hear the music again. All of the little added instruments and productions. I felt as though I had been stuck in a fishbowl … drowning and constantly trying to come up for air, trapped from all the beautiful things I wasn’t allowing myself to be open to. She never let me forget I said this.

A small list - but one I started in the car inspired by a mini road-trip to Coney Island - unsure of what the night was to bring me. And let me tell you, it was all the little, wonderful, inspiring things. I plan to continue this list with all of the things that remind me of why I should wake up earlier and say to yes to more opportunities (but also say no when you want to protect your peace - this is for another time).

Wanted to get a lil something out there to inspire myself and maybe you guys :)

[mindswehave]

Whatever you’re working towards may seem like it’s still a long way to go, but trust the process and celebrate all of the tiny victories. That’s what I plan on doing today 💚

[mindswehave]

Hey all, Making a brief return to say a few things I’ve been thinking about:

Healing is not a gorgeous tree-lined one way street. Sometimes you get turned around right back to where you came from and that’s because you’re learning.

Don’t waste precious time sulking over things completely out of your control. You can only control yourself: your behaviors, what you’d like to change, what you’re okay with.

IDon’t miss out on the good things by spending too much time with the unenthused.

You don’t always need to be excellent. Sometimes you fuck up. It doesn’t make you any less.

Live by what you love. Spend time with your hobbies and passions. Listen to your friends. Hug your family.

IThink about grounding techniques. Who, what, where holds you down? Reach out for those things when you need a hand…it’s okay to get help.

I

💚

[mindswehave]

I dunno who needs to hear this but DRINK YOUR WATER TODAY! 💦🍼

[mindswehave]

Some words I read recently that have been helping me get through.

[mindswehave]

“Life is a trait not an error.”

For the last year and a half it feels like the snowball effect is in full force - one thing after the other after the other after the other - I’m sure many can agree. However, personally, it’s been hard to not let that affect my productivity and has almost forced me into this mindset of being trapped. Will I ever be able to come up for air?

✨Then✨ you see little things around you that inspire you and the reasons why you still pursue the things you love come to fruition. You remember the reasons why that even when it’s SO hard to get out of bed, you have a subconscious longing to come out on top where you belong - wherever that is.

This post is a check in. Know that someone out there loves you. Know that even though you may not be where you wish you were right now, that you will be some day. You might even not be where you wish you were shortly after that. But, for some reason, things all come together from time to time.

I don’t know if there is a meaning to it all or that simply this is the way of life. Like the waves: crashing to shore, wading out to sea, pulling you under with no air, letting you float.

Be kind to yourself.

[mindswehave]

ctrl.alt.delete.

Sabrina Talbert . August 13, 2020

The summer after my freshman year of college, I got my first and only tattoo while in London. Earlier that Spring, a former professor of mine did a lesson on Stoic philosophy. He explained that the Stoics believed the key to living a happier life was to avoid getting emotionally invested in the things that were out of your control and instead preparing the mind for those unforeseeable moments. They also believed in teaching yourself how to respond rationally to what was in your control. The paper plane itself has no real attachment to me, but I felt it embodied the message.

I often find myself wrapped up in existential matters that I can't change much about. This includes issues like world hunger, poverty, access to education, human-trafficking, racism, etc. I can do everything that I, just one person, can do to make a difference and inspire change. However, one person can’t magically fix it all; that’s just not realistic. I consider myself to be somewhat of a radically empathetic person. That said, I have a tendency of getting emotionally invested in things that are impossible to understand or simply out of my control. There are some problems that will never get fixed in my lifetime, and that can be a hard pill to swallow. I love that I can apply the meaning of my paper plane to everyday scenarios...not just big issues, but the small stuff too.

Marcus Aurelius once said, “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

Stoicism requires a lot of internal digging to tackle your emotional responses and train your mind to accept the uncertain. There are some things we will never be able to fully prepare for. Life is unpredictable, and all you can do is focus on the things you can control and let go of the things you can’t. There’s no use in entertaining things that are out of your control for longer than what’s necessary.

Applying Stoicism to my life hasn’t been easy, and it’s still very much a work in progress. Nonetheless, my tattoo is my daily reminder that I am in control of my peace. Regardless of all the things I can’t control, I have the potential to be in complete control of what I let influence my happiness. It’s also a way of holding myself accountable for what I’m capable of doing in response to or in preparation for what life throws at me. It’s a little reminder to ask myself, “Did I do everything I could?”

[mindswehave]

Saved to your Drafts

Olivia Bronson . August 3, 2020

May 2020

Dear ____ , 

            Isn’t it funny that I consider myself a writer yet I have no clue how to put my feelings into words? Paper or computer screen…I just can’t do it. I prefer to write about other people and analyze their experiences. I am just the outsider looking in. I don’t know if you’ve ever read any of my articles, but actually, one of my favorites is “Quick Wash.” It’s a self-reflective piece without having to really get into my own head. I reflect on my observations of a little girl who was running around the laundromat—I saw my own life passing as she went in circles around me—a 22-year-old doing their laundry at a laundry mat down the street from their apartment in a city away from their family and childhood friends. I don’t think I knew that’s what I was experiencing in that moment, but I think it’s sort of profound. I don’t know what my dream job is. My dream is to have a fulfilling life. A fulfilling job, relationship, friendship(s)…fulfilling as in purposeful (spelling?). I wonder all the time if we have a purpose and I kind of hate wondering about it because the less clear my purpose becomes, the less hopeful I feel about life. I don’t want to wonder, “What’s the point of it all?” That is quite depressing to me. Some of my favorite things are rain, open windows, white bedding, kissing, music, driving with the windows down, being near the water, the way dogs greet you at the door no matter how long you’ve been gone,  when friends bring unexpected bottles of wine, surprises, avocado toast (homemade), watching the clouds float past, sunsets, noticing the stars after not looking for a while, long walks (maybe you thought I’d say on the beach), and fountain soda. There’s so many other things but I won’t bore you to death. It’s also almost 2 AM and I don’t think I could come up with it all. But, for my whole life, and mostly within the last month, I’ve come to really understand that these are things that truly make me happy. That truly make me feel. That make this life all worth it—despite the “what’s the point of it all?” lingering in the back. I know you wanted a page about why I love you, and I can do that too—but right now I’m really learning and trying to practice loving myself first and understanding my worth and I thought you might like that too. I like being on your team.

Talk to you later,

Olivia

[mindswehave]

This is a quote I came across when looking more into how to grow a brand via social media. It stuck with me because of my new found interest in HOW and WHY we use Instagram. Especially now that we have been quarantined and stuck inside for longer than ever before, we are spending a lot more time staring at our screens looking for entertainment, attention, something to buy, etc. But I don’t think our relationship with social needs to be negative. I believe that social media was created with the intention of sharing and a way to connect with like-minded people all over. Whether it’s in the same town, the same state, or the same country, social media allows us to stay in touch with each other no matter where we are. There are unfortunately many negative aspects of social media that have come up over the years, trust me I know. However, social media is a TOOL and if we are using it in a positive way - uplifting ourselves & others for example - we can totally change the course and direction of some of those negatives. My biggest thing is having INTENTION. Follow people who make you think, who make you happy, who inspire you, and people who make beautiful posts that are just nice to look at.

Follow brands you believe in! Share comments, reply to comments, reply to stories, and share posts on your own stories. Leave a caption. Use a hashtag. There is so much we can do as instagrammers to use this platform to its full potential. Let me know how you will use the app more intentionally below - I’m happy to hear and always open to new advice 💚

[mindswehave]

I Am Enough.

Emma Trivunovic . July 24, 2020

It’s hard for me to forget a good idea once it comes to me. And this was one of my best.

I enjoy irony and making people question things they usually wouldn’t.

I hope whoever reads this understands the importance of storytelling afterwards.

Last year, I took a queer studies course over the summer. I took this class for a lot of reasons, but mainly to educate myself on the queer community and to learn how to be the best ally I could be. I didn’t expect this class to impact my life forever, but alas, here we are. Pretty soon into the course I began questioning myself—am I queer? Is it possible to be sort of queer? Am I queer enough to be considered queer? Do all the kids who take this class immediately question their existence??? The topics we covered regarding identity and gender I began to heavily relate to. I started to freak out. I told myself, "stop trying to latch onto these descriptions because you think it fits you, it’s not who you are." And then we were assigned to read To(o) Queer the Writer by Gloria Anzaldúa and it changed everything. I was reading something written by someone from my culture. I began to feel less in denial about my feelings.

“Queer readers want to interact, to repeat back or reflect or mirror, but also do more than just reflect back and mirror—to add to the dialogue,” (p169).

This finally made me realize my personal dialogue and that my feelings were worth investigating. From a young age I was pushed into gender norms I knew didn’t fit me. I had 2 older brothers that heavily impacted my life. I wanted to be like them and act like them so bad I even tried to dress like them. But, my mom wouldn’t have it. She’d call me a ‘changa’ (female monkey in Spanish) and drag me to do my least favorite activities. Shopping for holiday dresses still hurts to think about—I remember being so miserable, hating the feeling of putting on big stupid dresses. The feeling of being forced to do things and not understand why I was doing them still stings to this day. My identity, I was positive at this point in my class, was more on the nonbinary than female side. My feelings were real and valid.

Later on in the course, I remember reading something about how society has constructed subliminal ways to put women in boxes. This really resonated with me relating back to how I felt growing up. What it came down to, in my mind, is as a woman, you’re either two things in the eyes of society—a lady, or not good enough. A lady is respectable. She sits with her legs crossed, speaks when she’s spoken to, and cooks dinner for her family. Her hair is always neat, her clothes are never dirty, and she’s always pleasant. You see it in your mind and think “that is what a lady looks and sounds like, what’s so bad?” Well, what bothers me the most about this mindset is we’ve lost sight of the most important thing about her—she’s a woman before she’s a lady. Good for the girls who can go out looking put-together with a smile on their face. I’m genuinely happy for them. But that doesn’t make the rest of us butches or bitches—more labels given to women by society who don’t align with its expectations. I shouldn’t have to dress to society’s standards to earn respect. I shouldn’t have to look a certain way to be worthy of attention. Who I am for what I am will always be enough. I refuse to change for anyone but myself.

When I realized how much power the word ‘lady’ held in the world and in my personal life, I did the only thing that seemed logical—tattoo the word on my middle finger. So I can give the world a big fuck-you whenever I don’t meet its expectations. For all the times I was told as a little girl to sit and act like a lady while wanting to scream—this is for you, girl. Fuck the world and its expectations for young girls and women. Fuck it all to hell. Don’t be afraid to rethink what you thought you knew about gender. Normalize accepting different points of view. Accept and love one another.

(This tattoo also represents how 'lady' can be used when referring to royalty, so i can be royal bitch, too).

[mindswehave]

I write this as I sit in my half-naked Brooklyn bedroom in my first apartment ever listening to Ribs by Lorde. Every single thing in my life has changed over the last couple of months. I’ve learned to deal with some of it & to love the new normal. I’ve fallen back on old habits, learned new ones, and sometimes had one too many drinks. But, for some reason, I keep trying. I question myself and the world around me. I will never stay stagnant - this is just a part of that reluctance to stay still. Out of it comes adapting, growing, learning, pursuing, dreaming, loving, and so much more. Today I am thankful for those who love me for every inch of me, for my kinda sad Spotify playlist, and for my mind. Although it’s never quiet up there, I’m not sure I’d have it any other way.

I’m learning to love being alone but sharing with others is still what keeps me going - so here I am. #mindswehave #mindswehavemag

[mindswehave]

Swallowing Ink

Jessa Chargois . July 7, 2020

I’m not sure when it was decided, but for her, a tattoo was born out of intense moments of feeling.

Intense feelings of loss gave birth to a crane, with wings that offered a tool to achieve her dreams, higher than ever believed.

Intense feelings of self-respect forged the delicate wings of a bumblebee, alert and attentive on the folds of her elbow, appearing when open arms were deemed acceptable.

Intense feelings of sorrow, a longing for her home that lost its warm, the chill of betrayal smothering the embers of love, embers memorialized in flesh.

Intense feelings of hope, the sweet enchantment of heritage, a song of “one” in the mother-tongue, scrolled out on the soft tender bits of her.

She swallows the ink, creating permanent ties with these intense feelings, the reminders of where she came from, and where she will go.

Her strength is born of intense feelings.

[mindswehave]

Still figuring out how to manage yourself and your mental well-being, especially during this time of social isolation?

I asked my friend Rebecca if she could share how she deals with feelings of anxiety not just now, but all the time. Becca is a person of strength, dedication, and loyalty and I love seeing her doing things she loves, solely for herself! If you find yourself creating art during this time—please share it with me whether it be painting, sculpture, music, sketching, photography, etc. Whatever it is, I’d LOVE to see it and hear about your creative process. Seeing people taking care of themselves in a way that is natural to them inspires me to keep moving and keep creating.