mitakamirai

[mitakamirai]

i talked to the ufos about our story. how much i loved your galaxy-like eyes and how they twinkle in every moment they met mine. and how i would be just tall enough to reach your lips when i tiptoed in for a kiss. and that your eyes turned into crescents whenever you smiled, like a beautiful quarter moon smiling down on the earth.

i told them more. i told them that your big, rough hands contrasted my soft, tiny ones but they fit together so well in the spaces that was there. that your laugh was like asteroids hitting my heart with such great impact that i'd be left with craters if the only thing present were its absence. i also told them your favorite line whenever you hold me in your arms: "you fit so well."

what else? ah. our stupid risky impulses. how we'd constantly hide from people and send them off to a wild goose chase to find us. and we'd find ourselves in places we've never expected to end up in.

oh, i also told them that we finished each other's sandwiches. hah. kidding. but what's true is that we'd always have a way with our sandwiches. we'd start off, fill it in, then close it. then another. and another. and another. and this is a stupid analogy how well we fill up the room with all the random shit that comes out of our mouths. how i would've loved to tell them everything.

but the ufos had to leave and i had to wrap up in the final minutes. i could no longer find the words to describe my feelings to them that would justify just how much i loved every little bit of you, because i knew there were parts i've still yet to love. like astrologists finding new stars in the void.

i smiled and told them, "to the span universe and beyond." and bid them farewell. they knew what i meant.

and you know what? the aliens love our story. let's write more.

.

//

shitty prose for the person who makes me forget that i'm a shit show.

hbd to that person. 💙

mitaka mirai (2019)

[mitakamirai]

"i had a dream last night," i start typing on my phone, letting out a soft sigh out of emptiness. "it felt so real."

i always tell you about my dreams. you and i both know that my anxiety has skyrocketed through the atmosphere within the passing weeks and you were always willing to listen to me rambling about my anxiety-induced dreams. though i always wake up feeling in a pool of some sort of sadness from them, i felt a little bit more of it today.

sadness. longing. maybe even loneliness.

i tell you about my dream — it was happy this time. i emphasized that, knowing you too would be relieved that i had a happy dream after weeks of crippling ones. but it made me sad, because i wished it never ended. i wanted to be trapped in that little bubble of happiness until everything was okay. i wanted to stay there.

you and i were lying down side by side on a soft, white carpet with our shoulders barely touching, looking up at the turned off chandelier hanging over our heads and my hair was tickling your cheek. we were talking about stuff — stuff i could not recall as i had probably the worst memory out there.

but we were laughing. chests heaving and cheeks hurting, laughter echoing throughout the room, hands clapping and heads shaking, words becoming more and more incoherent because everything just seemed so funny at that moment. i rolled onto my stomach with my feet in the air, propping my upper body up on my forearms that are crossed on the carpet, fingers reaching up to wipe away the tears that were starting to trickle down my cheek. you looked up to me, lips stretched to the widest, most genuine smile i have every seen, laughter still slipping through your teeth, and your eyes formed into crescents. you told me, "my cheeks hurt," and i said "mine too." you reached your hand up to snake and rest over my nape and had your thumb rub gently on the side of my neck as you pulled me in, both of us still in a fit of giggles, but i pressed my lips against yours nonetheless. i have always liked the feeling of kissing you.

kissing you always felt like caffeinated good mornings, with warm macchiato with two sugar cubes that just lifts it to the right amount of sweetness, hitting all the right places and energizing after being groggy all morning. it felt like the burst of vintage crisp rosé on the quiet saturday nights with the city lights in view, lingering at the tip of my tongue, intoxicating me slowly with every sip. it felt like a spring afternoon with the cool wind passing through the mesh curtains, blowing against the flowers on the meadow, watching nature bloom with a cup of earl grey tea. it felt comfortable, like my soul at home. all that, just from a single kiss.

we got up from the carpet and made our way to the balcony of (which now i assume) to be our home in mismatched socks and wrinkled pyjamas. it was sitting at the beach side with the wonderful view of the sunset, lights reflecting on the water in shades of yellow, orange, red, and maybe a hint of pink and purple in between the current. you stood behind me with your strong arms coiled around my waist, and every time you'd tell me how much you loved the way my body seemed to be modeled to fit with yours. that our proportions were rationed just right for us to be a whole. you leaned down to nuzzle your face snuggly on the crook of my neck and i'd hum to the slightly ticklish feeling, knowing very well you would be "sneaking" small kisses on my skin. i had my arms over yours and gently holding at your forearms, looking over to the view of the ocean before us and hearing the waves crash on the shore.

you tell me, voice soft and laced with content, "i'm loving life a little bit more now."

i sigh at your statement, eyes closing before i turned around, arms circled around your neck and my face buried on your chest, inhaling your scent. "you're making me love life." i say, almost quietly, and suddenly i feel your arms tighten around my tiny waist, your hands slipping through my shirt, fingertips pressed against the small of my back. in the back of my head, i always agree with what you said about how our bodies were somewhat made to fit together.

i pull away, slowly, head lifting to meet your gaze as you tilted yours down slightly. i was focused on your dark brown eyes that i adore, but i could see the corners of your lips tugging up to a small smile when you leaned in, planting atop my head. i sigh contently, endlessly wishing that i get more days like this with you.

it ended there. i knew i was smiling the moment i woke up, but was hit by a wave of sadness just no longer than five seconds. i close my eyes when i felt them stinging, eyelashes getting damp with tears as they trail down to my ear. i pulled the blanket over my head, groaning as i wipe my tears away with my palms. i composed myself minutes after so i could tell it to you, not wanting to miss a single detail.

being apart for quite a while really sparked up a fuse in me to be closer to you. it made me long for your presence with each passing day, and it's making me want to hold you even more and not let go. i wonder if the day when we'll be together again is drawing closer and closer. i hope it is.

"i'm glad my brain isn't always so mean to me. but i wish it was real." i finish after typing long, detailed paragraphs of the dream.

and i wish it was. and i wanted to stay there forever.

i wonder if we are like this in the other universes aside from ours.

.

sometimes my brain lets me have nice dreams.

mitaka mirai (july, 2020)

[mitakamirai]

every now and then i sit down on my messy desk with the tips of my fingers brushing gently over the edges of an unopened book as i look out of the window before me, thinking of where your feet are taking you along the streets of italy on bright sunny days or where you are burrowed into when the sky is gray and the rain drums against the concrete pavement.

i flip open the books on my table in hopes to try to distract myself from thinking about you but there are certain words that i see that lead my train of thought back to you. and how your fingers would feel so much at home pressing on the strings of the violin as mine would when flipping the pages over one another. how you would hear the lovely tune of the friction of your bow on the strings fill the room as i would hear the chirping of the birds outside my window and the brushing of heavy duvets hung from the balcony.

before so, you had asked me to marry you and i said yes. it was before a beautiful sunrise overlooking the lovely village we called our home for the longest time and i had your jacket draped over my shoulders. you were worried that time. how the fog would not disappear and how the time we were going to spend together were gonna go to waste if we don't see the sun rise before our eyes. but the heavens favored your desires that day and it was one of the most beautiful days i ever had.

there is still more than many days to go before we could actually tie the knot. you still had to go back to italy to fulfill your dreams as i had to stay to work on mine. we were young — and still are — but it baffles me so much how we are so sure of one another. how it all came about when we put what we loved together and filled your home with the beautiful blend of music and poetry turned to song. that was the moment when both our dreams and love had come together, that we were seeing the same future ahead of us.

how lovely that time was. trying to distract myself made me miss you even more, but i was sure you were walking in the path you had always dreamt of. that put me into ease more than anything.

let's do it again when you get back.

//

any of yall recognize the reference? haha.

— mitaka mirai (june, 2020)

[mitakamirai]

“how do you know we were designed for love?”

darling, look at our hands.

see the puzzle-perfect lock

of the spaces between fingers?

when fears get the better of us,

see the safe fit of chins and faces

on the crook of a neck?

in the space where no one knows but us,

when we succumb into each other's warmth,

see the dips of the vertebrae,

just big enough for fingertips to ghost over?

in the dimly lit room,

where your lips are on mine,

my arms snaked around your shoulders,

see the intimate way legs

bracket around a waist?

when we were under the stars,

laying out our deepest, darkest secrets

have you seen the sacred cupping of hands

around cheeks and jaws

that keeps us from floating into the darkness?

so when you see, darling,

that's how you know

we were designed for love.

//

designed for love

unbeta. vvv random.

mitaka mirai (june, 2020)

[mitakamirai]

Aoi always had strong feelings for Kiiro. Kiiro is the densest of the dense. He isn't really the person who'd know what the word "love" meant.

"Aoi!" Kiiro raised his right hand when he spotted the familiar girl walking down the hallway.

Aoi covered her mouth as she coughed into her hand, clutching it and immediately pushing her fist into her pocket. "Kiiro-kun."

"Do you have the notes from last week's chemistry class? I was visiting my parents last week so I couldn't attend the lecture. Can I borrow them?" Kiiro flashed a shy smile, scratching the back of his head. Right, Kiiro was absent last week. And also, fuck that smile of his.

Aoi tried her best to hold back another cough. "Ah, yeah, I do. But it's in my locker. I'll hand it to you in the classroom. Is that okay?"

"It's alright. I'll see you there!" Kiiro said before he walked away and Aoi ran straight to the bathroom once he was out of sight.

Pushing through the empty stall, Aoi locked the door behind her and started coughing and coughing. Her throat felt dry and her chest felt heavy, but she knew she had to keep coughing them out. The flower petals.

It was just daisy petals last year, when it was nothing but a small crush on Kiiro. Now Aoi was coughing up sakura petals. She reached into her pocket and dropped the sakura petals she coughed up earlier when she talked to Kiiro, flushing it down the toilet once she felt okay.

"Stupid fucking disease." She muttered under her breath and unlocked the cubicle door, walking towards the sink to wash up. She sighed and splashed water on her face, slapping her cheeks while doing so. "Stupid fucking feelings."

Aoi was diagnosed with Hanahaki disease in her senior year of middle school but it wasn't prominent until her junior year of high school, when Kiiro transferred into her school. Hanahaki is said to only be felt or seen when the person having the disease starts falling in love with a person who does not reciprocate the feeling.

Nobody really knows the origin of the disease, or how the person is able to produce flower petals. Aoi's case was extremely rare as some people only produce one flower throughout their experiences, but Aoi seemed to be producing more than one. The more her feelings got deeper, the flowers in her respiratory tract changes, the more it got painful for Aoi to breath and cough the petals out.

There is no known cure for Hanahaki but surgical removal, or if the person the disease carrier loves, loves them back. Worst case scenario, the carrier dies from respiratory complications.

Aoi has considered to get the roots surgically removed from her lungs, but aside from it being risky, to completely remove the virus, will completely erase the ability of the person to fall in love.

Aoi was skeptical about it and kept having second thoughts. Sure, unrequited love sucks, but she felt that to forever lose the ability to love again was worse.

Aoi sighed and places her hand over her chest, closing her eyes for a moment and just listened to herself breathe, making sure there were no more petals threatening their way out of her lungs.

Before going back to their classroom, she stopped by her locker to grab her notebook to give to Kiiro. She pressed the notebook on her chest and sighed, mumbling to herself, knowing she was at risk of coughing petals again when she sees Kiiro. "Please, don't pile up during class again."

"Kiiro-kun. Here are my notes."

"Ah, Aoi! Thank you. This is a big help." Kiiro took the notebook with both hands gratefully and showed Aoi a smile. Aoi could only hold back a cough and bow her head slightly before she waved him off and walked to her seat, two desks in front of Kiiro.

She covered her mouth again and coughed into the palm of her hand, quickly chucking the petals into her pocket before anyone could see them. Except maybe for one.

"Sakura, huh?" Aoi could only grumble and bury her head in her hands. Midori.

Midori sat down on her desk in front of Aoi's and held out a sakura petal that must've slipped out of the latter's hand. "You forgot this."

Aoi whined and quickly grabbed the petal, chucking it into her pocket. "Since when did you start coughing sakura petals?"

"Last week." Midori snorted.

"Last week? How are you breathing?" That sarcastic tone again.

"Screw you. I'm breathing just fine." Aoi grumbled against her forearms and Midori gestured to Kiiro, even though Aoi couldn't see. "Still Kiiro?"

"Still Kiiro." Aoi said as she sat up straight, her hand over her chest. "We're gonna graduate anyway. I'll get over him soon. Now shoo." She said a-matter-of-factly while fishing for her notebook from her bag.

Midori pouted and turned to face her desk after Aoi sent her off.

After the bell rang, Aoi packed her things and picked her bag. As she stood up, Kiiro hopped in front of her and held out her notebook with that stupid grin that Aoi has a love-hate relationship with. "I finished writing! But don't tell Ishii-sensei I wasn't paying attention. Thank you, Aoi."

"It's no problem." Aoi smiled to hide the urge to cough. "I— uh.. I gotta get going.." She felt her chest getting heavier. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kiiro-kun!" And with that, she sprinted out of the room.

She kept coughing while running and stopped halfway down the staircase to catch her breath, the sudden adrenaline and the petals was restricting her breathing.

Aoi managed to crash into the bathroom and locked herself in a stall, hovering over the toilet and started coughing, choking in between. After she was done and her airways felt clear, Aoi sniffled, leaning back against the cubicle door and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her uniform. "Stupid fucking disease." She muttered before flushing the toilet.

"I'm home." She announced rather weakly as she entered her home. Her little sister popping her head out from the kitchen to greet her. "Welcome back!"

Aoi walked towards the kitchen to see her little sister, Shian, cooking dinner. "Hey, Shian. Where's mom?"

Shian pointed the knife she was holding up. "Upstairs."

Aoi gave her a nod and walked upstairs to their room where her mom was, changing the futons.

"Aoi. Welcome back." Her mom smiled at her and Aoi crashed onto her newly made bed, taking a few seconds before she flipped over to her back to look at her mom.

She sighed and closed her eyes. "Sakura petals."

Her mom paused for a moment before she set down the basket of dirty beddings to sit beside Aoi. "Are you breathing okay?" She asked calmly despite being worried about her daughter.

"Yeah." Lies.

"Is it painful?"

"Not really." Lies. "I'm fine, mom. In a few months, I'll graduate. I'll forget about this soon."

Although her mom was curious, she didn't want to pry on her daughter's privacy on who is responsible of the flowers in her system, knowing well enough that the love Aoi is experiencing is one sided.

"Any special requests for dinner?" Was all her mom could say after a defeaning few minutes of silence.

Aoi opened her eyes and looked at her mom in the all familiar innocence. "Katsudon, please."

"Katsudon." Her mom nodded and gave her a smile, standing up with the basket in arms. "I'll call you when dinner's ready."

As her mom left the room, Aoi turned to her stomach and buried her face in her pillow.

For the next few weeks, Aoi had only coughed up sakura petals and prayed to God that it will stay with sakura petals until she would graduate. But Kiiro was making it impossible for her. In the following weeks, he had made his presence more prominent to Aoi.

Stupid Kiiro.

"I just wanna be friends with everyone before we graduate. Plus, you've helped me a lot throughout the year. Lending me notes and stuff." Kiiro says to Aoi while sipping on his orange juice. They were alone in the classroom cleaning after they were assigned to finish some paper works.

"But you're so dense, Kiiro-kun." Aoi tried to speak through the petals piling up.

"Huh? Dense? Me?"

"Who else. So many girls here want to be more than friends with you." Me included, Aoi thought. Kiiro could only shrug.

"I don't see the need to be romantically involved with anyone. It seems pointless." Yep, he's dense alright.

Aoi fished for her handkerchief from her pocket and started coughing into the fabric, putting it away almost immediately before the petals could fall

"Are you okay, Aoi?" Kiiro looked kinda worried for the girl.

Aoi looked away and continued to sweep the floor. "I'm fine. It's just.." Pause. "My allergies. That's all."

"Ah, I see. Well, we don't have to sweep every little bit of dust here. Should we go?" Kiiro stood up straight, his hand on his waist. It was getting late as well.

"Let's go." Aoi said before returning the broom behind the door, grabbing her bag from the table. She was ready to leave when, "Wait, Aoi!"

She looked back at Kiiro and tried her best not to cough. Kiiro's hair was messy, some of it sticking to his forehead from the sweat. "What is it, Kiiro-kun?"

"Let's have dinner together! My treat!" Kiiro says with a smile and Aoi felt her chest tighten.

She didn't want to refuse, but she knew she had to.

"Please, Aoi?" She really wanted to go with Kiiro, but she's thinking about the consequence that's going to arise throughout dinner.

"Sure." Stupid, stupid brain, Aoi thought to herself.

"Great!" Kiiro beamed. "I'll go to the bathroom for a bit. See for me at the gate?" Aoi nodded, and Kiiro disappeared.

Aoi desperately made her way to the bathroom, crashing down into the open stalls and started coughing. She didn't bother to lock the door this time, she was alone anyway.

She shakily flushed the toilet and washed up, mustering up her courage to face Kiiro even after what she had coughed up. Hibiscus petals.

"Kiiro—"

"Aoi! I know a great place we can eat!" Kiiro excitedly greeted Aoi, taking her hand and ran before Aoi could even say anything.

Aoi felt her chest tighten and her heart beat faster. Kiiro was holding her hand. It was just them. Going to dinner. Aoi knew this was trouble.

Kiiro lead them into a tiny restaurant that was a little hidden from the busy streets of Shikisai.

They sat down at an available table after ordering their food, Kiiro bringing the tray to the table and served Aoi her meal.

"Thank you." She says, rather breathlessly. Her hand over her chest.

"Sorry for running. I was afraid they'd close up." Kiiro says apologetically to the latter, Aoi waved him off.

"It's okay." She says, lips curving up to a small smile.

Aoi and Kiiro spent the next hour and a half at the restaurant, with Aoi excusing herself to the bathroom countless of times. Kiiro was worried, but didn't want to seem too pushy to Aoi — he had already convinced her to dinner.

"I'll send you home." Kiiro says as they exited the restaurant.

"No th—"

"Please, Aoi. I can't let you go home alone at this hour."

Silence.

"Aoi?"

Heavy breathing. "Okay."

Kiiro smiled and Aoi felt her chest tighten once again.

It was only a month shy from graduation. Aoi had hoped Kiiro would stop paying attention to her and focus on other people too, but he didn't. Well, he did, but also didn't. Because he was still making himself known to Aoi, still trying to get her attention at times and always greeted her with a smile when they met.

Aoi really hated that smile. She wanted that smile gone. At this state, Aoi felt pain in her chest but she decided to brush it off. Only a month left, she thought.

Aoi and Kiiro were assigned next to each other for their graduation rites. Aoi hated it, but she couldn't find the guts to speak out. Their surnames were next to each other in the records after all.

Though from the weeks that had past, Aoi learned a lot about Kiiro as so did he. Kiiro really liked chess and apparently really good at it, but he wasn't very confident in joining competitions. Kiiro also liked to play the drums. And a whole lot of little to major details about Kiiro.

She had hoped to find a reason to erase her feelings for Kiiro. A trait that would come off as a red flag for her and uncrush him almost immediately. And for once, Aoi hated having a heart so big that Kiiro's imperfections didn't matter to Aoi. That it only made Aoi fall for him even more.

Everytime Kiiro stood next to Aoi during practices, Aoi would feel a sharp pain on her chest and her heart race, making her palms sweat. Kiiro was unaware of course, the guy was dense as a wet sponge.

Kiiro had asked Aoi to stay behind after their practice. Aoi wanted to refuse, she needed to refuse, or else, it's going down.

Aoi had a mental debate in her head. Aoi was afraid of the consequence, as she knew what had happened last time, and she knows that the pain in her chest is from the disease. But at the same time, Aoi felt as if Kiiro was worth the risk. She felt as if the decision was life oe death.

But she showed up nontheless. Kiiro was in his designated seat, beside Aoi's, and she walked up to sit in hers. Her hand was on her lap, trying her best not to tug her skirt as she felt her chest tighten again.

"Aoi, listen." Kiiro started. Aoi closed her eyes and nodded once. "Yeah?" She says, almost quietly.

"I don't know how to say this, but thank you for being an amazing friend. You and a lot of our classmates were really kind to me, despite me being new and awkward and really don't know how to handle social situations. And I felt so comfortable with you. You always helped me with class notes and studying if I was struggling."

When Kiiro took a break, Aoi was close to crying, the pain in her chest becoming unbearable.

"You're one of the best people I've met in my life, Aoi." Kiiro turned his head to look at Aoi and smiled. "Thank you."

Aoi knew it was a mistake to look at Kiiro being illuminated by the light of the sunset gleaming through the gym, but she did it anyway. And with that, she stood up and tried to sprint to the door, but she crashed onto her knees and started violently coughing.

Tears trickled down Aoi's cheeks as she continued to cough, one hand supporting her body as the other clutched onto her chest. She could hear Kiiro's voice but couldn't understand what he was saying.

"Call Midori, please.." Aoi choked on her words while coughing. She could hear Kiiro running out of the gym while calling Midori and she caught a glimpse of the "mess" on the floor.

Rose petals, floating in the pool of her blood.

Aoi was shaking and panicking, but she couldn't stop coughing. Her head was in a blur and could no longer comprehend what was happening.

She felt herself being lifted up and transported rather quickly. She was still coughing, and couldn't tell if there were still petals in it or just plain blood.

Her ears were ringing but she knew she was in a vehicle somewhere and kept blacking out. The next thing she knew, she could hear multiple people discussing and could hear her mother crying in the background. She couldn't comprehend what she said, all she heard was "save" repeated multiple times.

Aoi was groggy and could only register three dots of lights directly over her head and before she blacked out entirely, she could feel the pain slowly going away.

A month had passed and nobody had seen Aoi, only getting updates from Midori from herd mother.

It was a tough decision for Aoi's family, but Aoi had grown roses in her respiratory tract and the thorns were scratching and tearing up her airways. If Aoi had not been rushed to the hospital right away, she would have died.

It was graduation day and Aoi had fully recovered from her surgery. They were excited to see Aoi, even though they knew Aoi was now incapable of loving, at least Aoi was saved. That she's now alive and well.

Everything was great, except for Kiiro. He had just thought that he had developed some allergies and just brushed it off.

Kiiro was excited to see Aoi again. He did consider her dear to him. They stood next to each other during the rites and Kiiro could feel a strange sensation in his chest and had asked to meet Aoi by the school gate afterwards.

"Kiiro." He turned around to see the person the familiar voice belonged to.

"Aoi. Congratulations."

"Congratulations, Kiiro. Are you headed off for college?" Aoi smiled and Kiiro felt a pang.

"Mhm. I leave for Niji tomorrow."

"I see. Good luck!" Aoi beamed and Kiiro had his hand over his chest. Silence.

"I'm sorry, Aoi."

"Kiiro-kun—"

"I'm gonna miss you." Kiiro said softly before he coughed into his hand, clenching it into a fist afterwards, smiled at Aoi before he left.

Aoi was a little dumbfounded and kept her attention to Kiiro.

Her jaw dropped when Kiiro slowly opened his fist as he walked away. She knew it all too well. It came crashing down like an asteroid.

Sakura petals.

Kiiro fell in love with Aoi, but now that she was incapable of loving after losing her ability to the surgery,

It was Kiiro who is stuck in an unrequited love this time.

And when Kiiro was no longer in sight, Aoi felt no love, but everything was painful.

[mitakamirai]

sike.

aside for the fact that one of God's favorites smiled at me, i was pretty much drowning in so many "what ifs," the first and foremost being, what if i wasn't what he was expecting? of course you weren't what he was expecting, you doofus. you only said you looked like a bookworm. okay, but what if because of that he doesn't wanna talk to me? like you know, maybe he has standards and all. you seriously worry too much with random things. if you keep thinking about that, you're gonna flunk today's p.e. class. okay, but what if.. oh for the love of folk dance, please shut up.

i really couldn't stop thinking about that moment though. it kept looming over my head that i was a little distracted from practice. hopefully i only missed a step or two, or else i'm doomed. although he did message me that he was a little cautious because his friends might see him. and i was like oh, that made sense. i was doing that too. but i was still somehow (but uselessly) worried that i was not as attractive has he had hoped. my thoughts made the day go like a breeze.

i watched kimetsu no yaiba as he had recommended even though i was waiting for it to finish so i could watch it continuously. did i purposely watch it so i could have more reasons to talk to him? maybe.

thought it just hit me, i never actually got to introduce myself to him. i left him a note on the hallway as he didn't want his friends to see. also because, i didn't know how to introduce myself through text messages. so i sent him a song with a side note: hi, i'm kylle. then added him on facebook, apologizing in advance that i can be a little loud on social media.

it had appeared that he was liking my song suggestions, i hope. sometimes he'd sing them with me through our messages. i even recommended him my favorite anime. to which, i hope he'd watch.

i was set to present something during contemporary arts and i swear my stomach kept on turning and churning my insides. i was practicing outside and he and his classmates were off to do some sort of task. he saw me. i looked at him. and he mouthed "good luck" to me and my cheeks were probably like explosion! as i could feel them warm up and i mouthed back a thank you trying my best not to look all too happy, it might scare him away. alright, i'm acing this performance.

we usually exchange small glances and smile at each other when we'd pass by each other in the hallway, being all too careful not to let our friends spot us, and spend most of our talking in text messages.

we talk about anime, school work, anime, mood, school work, useless updates, school work.. what else? oh, and anime.

we didn't have much to talk about, but i was glad that i could talk to him. even just as a friend. though i never disclosed verbatim that i had a crush on him, i knew that he knew. and it messed with my mind that what if he is just entertaining me because he is bored? what if he just wants to be nice and actually doesn't want to talk to me? i'm pretty sure he has a crush of his own, and that there were other people that liked him. i mean, anyone with taste would like him. he's so gorgeous. a little weird though, but i liked that in a guy. he's tall, lanky, but definitely gorgeous. he's.. unique. oh god so help me that i don't end up being too obsessive over him. oh right, i was older than him too. which was nuts!

we met personally for the second time because i offered to give him some anime. kyoukai no kanata and violet evergarden were the top priorities, of course. i was surprised that he hasn't watched them yet. my heart was thumping loudly against my ribcage and my hands were shaking. his friends came and teased him a bit, i just shrugged them away. good thing my hair was a little poofy, it could easily hide my face along with my glasses. i couldn't bear to look at him for longer than five seconds because he would now look back, unlike before. and i'm afraid that if i stared at him like i did when he didn't know about my existence, my cheeks will explode. and i could get a small sniff of his cologne, we weren't that close, but definitely close enough that i could somehow feel the warmth of his aura on my skin. i wondered what it would be like to hug him. he smiled again, thanked me and returned to his classroom.

god, i swear i would always repeat the moments where we'd meet in my head like a broken cassette. even in the tiny moments that we'd pass by each other and give the tiniest of smiles. it warmed my heart and made my days better.

he went on a trip that weekend and i somehow appreciated the fact that he was still willing to talk to me. although i still wondered if he was just continuing to talk to me because he was bored, and i couldn't bring myself to ask. instead, i just allowed myself to be happy in it. if it turns out good, then nice. if not, ouch.

he did warn me many times about how he did not want to be in a relationship because he might be moving away, ldr might not work, and that he was terrible at handling relationships or that he was not ready. and i, although hurt, said it was okay, that it was the same for me. that i don't mind what may happen.

he, too, noticed that i was similar to his ex. great. i tried to debunk it as much as i could, because i didn't know her personally. and it hurt my pride, my ego, and brought down my confidence to be compared to someone that was awfully similar, and once dated the person i liked. but i couldn't tell him that. i didn't have the right to. who was i? i was just someone who admired him and was now his friend. just a friend. nothing more, nothing less. but it did hurt. a shit ton. i wish it didn't hurt. but it did. and i don't know if i'll be okay with it. because it broke my heart in a way that i never thought it could. supressing my feelings, i cried.

i tried to ignore my negative feelings. his little updates on his trip made me smile. that he was enjoying riding his bike across tall grasses, that the sunset was beautiful that painted the sky an exquisite coat of purple. i tried to picture his image in my mind, riding his bike, hair pushed back from the breeze, under the purple sky as the sun sank down. even though it was only my imagination, it was a beautiful scene.

he finished violet evergarden while on his trip. i woke up at 2am randomly and to his message. my heart warmed up at his sentiments of relating to violet, and that he told me he was playing with his nieces and nephews and hoped he had a good time. he also thanked me for my notes and efforts. he mentioned in his message that he still kept them in his wallet. needless to say, i cried again. because for the first time in my life, somebody actually appreciated my notes. and i wanted to gush out everything and say thank you at least a hundred times. but i just summarized it to one, definitely heartfelt "thank you," before going back to sleep.

i definitely wasn't expecting any of this. but the waves of goodness somewhat kept coming.

days pass by and we have gotten more comfortable with talking in personal. even if it was only about anime. and it usually only was just anime. we'd be facing each other — my back against our classroom and him against his classroom. i was getting more and more comfortable with talking to him face to face, and could now maintain eye contact for at least five seconds. oddly enough, we have so much in common. my friends often call him my female version.

i know i'm an annoying person to be around with. i wonder if i let it out too much that i really like him, i was so worried that he'd be turned off even if he didn't have any reason to fall for a person like me. i did say to him that i wasn't jowable. but... he was still willing to talk to me. and everytime i'd get a little too overjoyed, my mind instantly reminds me of the reasons why he didn't want to be in a relationship. and i wanted so badly to say to him, you know what? screw you. i hate that you're so gorgeous, i hate that we have so much in common. god i hate it so much and you don't even want to be with me, not that you are obliged to though, your heart your choices, but still. grrr. i don't want to hope for a chance. but i chose to ride this wave. and i'm going to fucking crash if i have to. you don't know this but, you're worth every single risk i am taking. and i'm ready to get hurt even more.

i was hoping for a better day even though it was no more than a regular thursday. we were both upset the night before that there was a possibility of anime films being banned in the country, that he even said he'd date me if they took the announcement back, to which i shrugged off, that maybe he just said that out of the heat of the moment.

i was rushing to finish.. or rather start my story for my creative writing assignment and he had asked to read it. i never really show my work to anyone, but something tells me that it was okay to let him read it. that it was safe with him. so i did, he even praised me for it. to which, i refused.

and because of the pressure of the deadline, i put in quite an ironic death in my story, which made him laugh. i was supposed to be upset about it, but he was laughing. after being so upset yesterday, he smiled. so i let the death slide. i’m glad i made him smile somehow. my heart warmed at the sight of him smiling.

i could care less about the event that we were sitting in because 1) i had to finish my story, 2) i was sleepy as heck, and 3) we were texting each other still. he even called me cute, to which i shrugged it off, taking it no more than a friendly compliment. and because we were now somehow very casual with each other, i even complained to him that i was sleepy and hungry, and when the event was over said i was happy to have convinced my friends to go grab milktea. he said he wanted to treat me but he was in a hurry, i assured him it was okay, and that he can treat me some other time.

on my way home from the day, i reflected on something. he was.. really smiley today. like he was genuinely happy. it made me smile, happy even. to know that he was in a good mood. and i don’t know what possessed me to do this, but i messaged him about my feelings to him about this day. about how i was happy when he was, that his smile made me smile as well. it was corny, but it was sincere.

he replied shortly afterwards about his reason—he even included me. to which i only took lightly and with no malice. he even said he might fall for me, but i thought that was a joke. little did i know he was actually being serious. i told him, in the same manner, i’d be more than honored to catch him. as if he was actually gonna fall though. but even so, i was ready for him.

later that night, i was finishing my story with his encouragement. he even passed on a scene that was the perfect cherry on top. i couldn’t wait to pass it. of course, i let him read it. he was in fact part of the success, too. and i’m glad he liked it as much as i did.

[insert story sa date here.]

it had been two days since the “first date” happened and it still felt fresh to me. i could still somehow feel his hand in mine. i could vividly feel the texture and size of his hand that was in contrast to mine. we were even somewhat acting like a couple now, saying i miss you’s and labyu’s to which i thought was nothing but some sort of trip i just hopped onto. but, while in the middle of writing a story, he told me he’d accept me on the first day of october. i thought, again, it was a joke. and i just said, “this is weird.” because it was. we watched the last episode of kimetsu no yaiba the next day, sitting side by side like we did last friday, hands between our thighs, just barely ghosting over each other because we were afraid someone could see.

i just prayed to the heavens that i wasn’t scaring him in any way. i mean, again, who would date a person like me, anyway? i was nothing but an uninteresting speck in the universe. and hoped that instead of drifting him away, i was drawing him in. because from the start, i had only three hopes or expectations: either he would drift away, stay where we were, or get closer. and i don’t know if the angels were playing with me by doing the third one and think it was a good idea.

october first finally rolls around and i was hoping for a sike! moment, but that wasn’t the case. there was no sike! moment. it was real. really real. because that day, we shared our first kiss. holy fuckamole, we kissed. i haven’t been kissed in years, but i was sure as hell it didn’t felt as good as this. i could feel him tremble against my lips and his heart banging. it calmed me down a bit. i only chuckled, it was very cute. we hugged, and kissed some more, and i comforted him for not passing an exam and said there were better things to come for him. god, his embrace felt so safe, and his lips. they were so soft.

just not long after we had shared our tentative last kiss, he messaged me, asking if he could have some more. that he liked the feeling. and i could only laugh. he is so adorable. but i couldn’t refuse. because even i, myself, liked the feeling as well.

this was only day 1, but i know that this is the first day of a journey i’d want to go to my whole life with him by my side, and i hope it wasn’t just a pit stop. that he was my ride or die from this moment on.

i know this was only the beginning but it felt like coming home. it felt like slipping my shoes off after a long day and being greeted by the warmest hug a person could experience. it felt like being snuggled up under the duvet during a stormy day with cups of hot chocolate by the nightstand. it felt like waltzing under the starlit sky barefoot and feeling the grass tickle my feet. it felt so good. it felt so comfortable. it felt safe. it felt.. just right.

i knew deep inside that this, this is what is gonna lead me to feel what is the true meaning of a genuine, selfless love. and i’m glad i took the risk. i’m glad i rode the wave. i’m glad that i didn’t let the consequences stop me. i’m glad i let my gut punch my fear in the ass. i’m glad i did..

because now, i have a hand to hold while i set off to conquer the universe with our lightsabers.

my love, my grandest adventure yet,

let’s ride, shall we?

[mitakamirai]

"i'm sending it."

"sending what?" my bestfriend asked, obviously intrigued and curious at the same time.

that moment, i just finished writing a note that i plan to send to my crush. my hands were shaky and a little messy with ink from the pen. i took a good look at the brown craft paper folded in half in my hands, fingertip tracing over the letters embedded in the paper.

congratulations! you did great last night. btw, you're a great dancer & rly cute. have a nice day!

"a note," i reply to her. "but only if i arrive earlier. if not, nevermind."

i snorted at the idea. yeah, it seemed way too farfetched. the guy doesn't even know me. he was just someone i had a crush on and that his classroom was just across the hallway. some coincidence.

my bestfriend just laughed, "if you don't do it. i'll do it. you were so quiet during their performance earlier too." god, she can be so scary at times.

i shrugged, taking one of my washi tapes and ripped a small piece, just enough to stick the two ends of the paper shut. i placed it down on my bed and stared at it. i probably stared at it for a good ten minutes, internally debating whether i should send it or not. during my internal debate, i grabbed my pen and wrote his initials on the front of the paper. my hand was shaky still. that was the second time i had written his name.

today was the second day of p.e. cheerdances. i was present, of course. i had to help my friends. i was helping them stitch their jogging pants for their performances later. my crush's ex girlfriend also asked me to stitch hers, and i couldn't say no. nobody outside my circle of friends knew about my feelings, so it was wrong to refuse her. oh, my crush was also performing today.

i tried to be as calm as i could, although one of my friends couldn't stop teasing me about it. i wish she'd shut up for a moment. it hurts in a different way.

everyone was busy. everything was buzzing around. but i was more than happy to lend a helping hand to them. i even helped them cleaned their classroom, bought some of them some food and drinks. it was a busy day.

i was chilling in the hallway with my best friend and she'd occasionally tease me whenever he (my crush) passed by. i wrote his name on a small scrap of paper to hand to my best friend as she was curious as to "which name is my heart beating to." i almost panicked when he passed by when my best friend viewed the scrap, not like he could see it. but who knows, right?

and i couldn't help but steal a few glances here and there. i must admit, their outfits were a little—uh—not as good as i had hoped, but he still looked adorable. how i wish i could look at him a little longer, but it was time to coop up in the gym to watch everyone perform. i was excited for my friends, and him.

my crush's class performed first before my friends and needless to say, i was mesmerized by him. okay, that sounds a little cheesy. but i was. i never knew he could dance so well. all i did was clap, not that i didn't want to cheer. i was just.. distracted. because of it, my bestfriend wouldn't stop teasing me about it. and for the rest of the remaining performances, i didn't see him.

my friends were on a whole 'nother level. they placed 3rd and 1st runner ups! i was so so proud of them. i'm glad to have helped them gained their success somehow.

i got up to leave before the gates were crowded but i stopped in my tracks upon looking over to the gazebos. there he was. sitting there, with someone i am unfamiliar with. i immediately hid behind the stack of chairs — as if he was gonna notice someone looking at him. but i hid anyway. i watched him smile and laugh with i presume his friend, they seemed to be enjoying themselves. the sight of him all happy and smiley made me so happy. i let one more minute pass by before i headed home.

and that's how i ended up here. it was on a whim really, to write this note and to possibly send to him tomorrow. i don't even know what lies ahead if i do end up sending this, or just keep it. i just know that maybe this is worth the risk. i slept on my messy thoughts that night.

i woke up a little later than i usually do the next morning, and i was surprised that the third floor was empty. perfect. i pulled the note out of my pocket and glanced at it one last time, writing down his grade and section on the last minute in case it got lost, then oh fuck. where do i put this? the window on the door? nah. it'll fall off. inside? no, no, too creepy. aha! i beamed, wedging the note just between the door, right next to the doorknob. i'm sure they'll notice it there. i didn't want to stay, or else i'll be suspicious, so i went down to the convenience store to hopefully find a snack to calm my nerves.

i had my full attention on my phone while walking up the stairs that i didn't even notice the person who was walking in front of me. it was only then that i arrived on the hallways that oh shoot, it's him.

i could hear faint voices in the background calling out to him, saying he's got a love letter. that made my heart jump, as if it wanted to get out of my ribcage. i panicked.

gladly, i spotted a friend. "hey! come on, let's go get coffee!" i say shakily, but enthusiastically, and mercilessly dragged him out, but not before i stole one last glance at him taking my note from where i slipped it. god, i swear my heart was about to burst.

"i left a note for my crush," i blurted out, almost monotonously to my friend while walking down the stairs.

"wow, you actually did that?" i groaned. "i saw him take it! listen, my heart's about to meddle with my other organs and i need coffee."

"you're something else." my friend says with a hearty laugh. i punched his arm.

"i sent it," i say to my two best friends after returning from getting my morning coffee.

"sent what?" - best friend number 2.

"a note. she congratulated her crush," my best friend gave me a look. and i could only groan. "can't believe you did that."

"neither can i." i say, taking a sip of my iced coffee. but i slowly came in terms with it. well, i suppose he's just gonna throw it away. everybody else did. and with that, the burden of writing that first note went away.

i wrote a second note a few weeks later, just a day after exams, to congratulate him again for getting through first quarter. but it was a disaster.

i did the same tactic as i did with my first note, but this one did not end well. it, unfortunately, fell on the floor. and when i was about to slide it back in, i already saw him seated inside their classroom. and there were already so many people there. i tried my best to sneakily take the note from the floor and with a heavy heart, shoved it in my pocket.

for the next few weeks, i only admired him from the little window on the door, or sometimes in the hallway when our classrooms weren't open yet. it still baffled me how we ended up just across from each other. of course, the fact that his ex girlfriend was also right beside our classroom bothered me too. they kept comparing me to her, and i didn't know how to say that i didn't like it. i hated it. bringing me down is one thing, comparing me to other people is another. it messed me up a lot.

my best friend and i were super excited, it was finally weathering with you's premiere date tomorrow! i couldn't be more ecstatic. but i couldn't help but think about him. just a week ago i painted him a (fail, by the way) picture of miyazono kaori because i heard him and his friends sing to hikaru nara in the hallways. i wanted to watch with him, but it seemed impossible — again, he doesn't even know me.

i tried to paint again, this time, one of the teaser images for weathering with you. again, it was a fail. and i just stuck to write a note, jokingly of course. i had no actual plans on sending it.

i can go watch alone pero pweathering with you.

but i have an overly supportive but scary best friend and she, without any second thought, offered to hand the note to him personally. i declined her offer, of course. it was way too embarrassing. but she wouldn't stop and i know any better than to let heer. so i handed her the note and just asked her to not reveal my identity.

she came back hours later with the biggest grin on her face. this bastard actually did it. i asked her a few questions on what had happened, before i eventually started gushing about he had a nice voice. golly gee, i should not have done that.

and it was just that. nothing had happened. we didn't watch together or anything. just the same old school days.

it was september and it had been a good month and a week since i gave him the notes. i wanted to give more, but i saw no reason to.

it was currently the last period of the day and out of boredom, i was flipping through the pages of my notebook. surprisingly enough, the failed watercolor of the sky was there, the one with the lamest pickup line of pweathering with you. unfortunately, my nosy group of friends saw it and immediately snatched it out of my hands. i begged them time and time again to give it back because i hated it, the work was so ugly. and they begged me, time and time and time again to send it. i refused everytime.

but my bestfriend #2 had offered to send the note herself. and i knew in my gut that she was not joking. when it comes to things like this? she never does. i sighed in defeat and just waved her off. i wasn't expecting to get anything out of it anyway.

i left early that day, kind of running away from practice sort of leave. on my way out of the classroom, i saw their room was empty. i saw a few bags, but didn't saw his'. so i assumed he had gone home already. i snickered and shook my head, all too confident that my friends' plan was going to fail.

i got home and changed into my pyjamas. luckily, nobody had messaged me asking where i was. or so i thought.

"come down! your classmate is here to see you!" i heard my mom call me.

oh fuck.

i took a moment to pace around in my room, causing my mother to call me twice. my mind was sure that it was my group's leader looking for me, and i had second thoughts on changing back into my uniform because she might scold me. but in the end, i just went down in my pyjamas.

i was a little taken aback to see my best friend instead. i wonder if our leader sent her? she had nothing, but a big grin on her face and pulled out what seemed to be a folded index card out of her pocket.

i took a good look at the index card she held up and i could've sworn i stopped breathing for five seconds. i know that logo.

i closed the front door behind me and immediately almost tackled her to the ground. she was laughing at how nervous i was when i took the note. i didn't know what to feel. i didn't expected this. at all.

she goes on to explain what had happened but her voice became a little muted because i was so focused on the note in my hand. my heart was drumming loudly against my ribcage and i found it hard to speak properly.

i opened the note together with her and there was only one content. his phone number.

my best friend stayed for a good five minutes listening to me ramble about how i was feeling all sorts of emotions before she bid goodbye for the day. i went back inside and hid the note inside my pyjama pants so my mom wouldn't see. i plopped onto my bed and just stared at the note. i was in utter disbelief. i was shocked. i was.. happy even.

and god, i could've sworn i spent around fifteen minutes constructing a good starting text. and hit send for the first time.

i slammed my face into my pillow and just started whining. both out of embarrassment and nervousness. my hands were sweaty and shaking. i couldn't see my face but i know i was as red as a cherry when he had replied.

i tried to keep my cool. i really did. how do people just casually talk with their crushes? i feel like i could tear my apartment apart from this.

we spent the next hours texting and i couldn't help but feel nervous everytime he replied. and i embarrassingly overshared a bit, to which i regret immediately after he said goodnight.

when he tucked in for the night, i sprawled on my bed and stared up at my ceiling. my heart was still pounding. my brain was releasing serotonin at a rapid level. and i couldn't stop smiling. sure, i said some embarrassing stuff and overshared and all. but i talked to him. god knows how happy i was that day. and for the first time in what seemed like weeks, i slept with a smile on my face.

the next day rolls around and i wanted to talk to him again, but i didn't know how. it'd be lame to just say "hi, good morning," right? i wanted it to be somewhat unique as well. and i guess the best thing that came into my mind at that moment was to send a song.

looking back at it now, maybe sending a song was just as lame. but what's done is done. it did initiate a conversation anyway.

i walked into class with a big smile and had my attention to my phone the whole time. silly, i know. but i was still so happy that for the first time, i didn't mind about getting teased.

they (my friends) all encouraged me to meet him in person. all to which i said no. i was too shy. and i was also afraid that i'd disappoint him for my appearance. although i did tease him about not seeing me when i was in the hallway.

everything was fun and games until he, himself, offered to meet me. and i could feel my heart drop to my stomach. i started getting nervous again and refused him too. saying that i am not ready to meet him.

i scrambled through my art supplies to find whatever i need to bring for later's contemporary arts class when i stumbled upon the kaori painting i did for him. i groaned, it was ugly as fuck, and i don't know what had gotten into me that i messaged him:

i have this kaori painting i made for you a few weeks back. i'll give it to your later, then you can meet me.

i regretted it (again) but it was too late (again), because he had already said yes. thanks to that, i lost my appetite for lunch that day.

i purchased a box of milk for my lunch because i at least need to have something in my stomach or else, i'm gonna pass out. my legs were shaking but luckily enough, i got to the third floor.

i told my friends that i finally agreed to meet him. and they wanted to be witnesses. of course, i didn't want that. so i chose the time to sneak out of the classroom while they were busy so we could meet without any disturbances.

i walked out with the kaori painting in my hands, legs shaky and weak. i sat down beside the door to my classroom and messaged him that i was in the hallway waiting. holy shit this is it.

i saw him walk out of their classroom and i looked up immediately. he looked a little flushed, cautious even. i don't think he noticed me sitting on the floor just staring at him while drinking my milk. god, he was so gorgeous indeed.

and when he finally spotted me and asked, "is that you?" i gave the most wonderful first impression of choking on my milk. great.

i just nodded. i knew i said a few things but i really couldn't register what i was saying. all the while i handed him the (ugly) painting. my heart was pounding (it really went through a lot since yesterday) and my legs were still shaking. he handed the painting back to me and excused himself. and he smiled.

he smiled. at me.

i bit down on my straw and tried to relive his smile. he was smiling at me. and for once i saw him smile that was meant for me. maybe i sound a little dramatic but. it seemed so surreal. oh god, he's so beautiful.

i stood up, walked back in the classroom, got ready for p.e. class with my friends, and letting them drown in dread for not witnessing our first meeting.

but i could care less.

at least i got a moment out of it. a moment that meant so much to me.

i did not want to expect, so this time, i'll just ride the waves and see where this goes to.

but wherever it may lead, i'm pretty sure that it'll be worth it. besides, what's wrong with being a little risky in life?

[mitakamirai]

it was a little past midnight and we were laying down on the soft grass on top of the blue blanket we spread out, heads underneath the empty picnic basket, shoulders brushing ever so slightly against each other, hands on our chests, and eyes glued to the vast, star-filled sky above us. i couldn't see your eyes, but if i had looked into them now, i know they'd be twinkling like the stars.

"should we go?" you ask.

"not yet." i mumbled then sighed, pointing up to the sky to what seemed like the brightest star of them all. "look, there's spica."

"where?" you'd ask, interest laced in your voice. you knew i liked astrology.

my lips subconsciously tugged up to a smile and continued to point upwards to trace the constellation with the tip of my finger, my amusement spilling out like spilt milk onto the table. "see, she shines brightest of them all."

"she does." you say, scooting closer to me, close enough that our arms were now pressed against each other. i averted my gaze from the sky to look over to you. and you looked over to me. and how is it that even under the celestial lights you look so gorgeous?

"i love you." i say to you, turning to lay down on my side as you did too, our hands now rested over each other in the space between.

"i love you." you say as you leaned in for a kiss. i smiled at the all too familiar feeling that still tugged on my heartstrings.

"thank you."

"for what?"

"this." i say to our hands. "that," gesturing to the empty picnic basket. "thaaaat," i lay on my back again, arms spread out to the sky before returning to face you. "and you."

"and me?" your eyebrows raise, the corner of your lips curled up slightly. "and you," i sigh, closing my eyes.

"you know what i'm talking about." i start. "little things matter so much to me. because they seemed so big and farfetched before. that i didn't deserve the little things. and now," i breathed and looked into your dark brown orbs. oh how i loved to get lost in them. "the little things doesn't seem so impossible with you. you make sure that i am safe, i am alright, all those things. and it was like you don't even mind to do them. they're actually so trivial but it doesn't seem like that to me."

silence. "i am making no sense, am i?"

"no, i understand," you say, tucking a stray strand of my hair on the back of my ear. "you've been kept in the dark for too long." and i know what you meant. not literally, but definitely right.

"i suppose so," i say, scrunching my nose. sighing softly, "and those little things. those. they save me. they save me even from my darkest demons because they make me feel like i'm home. that i am somewhere safe. i see you and i see a comforting place. and gosh, i just pray to God that i never lose you. ever. it'd probably be like losing a home to me." we chuckled at that last sentence. god i sounded so cheesy. "i feel like my future would be so boring without you."

"i'm not going anywhere, you deserve more than that, and you know i'd been wishing for you. losing you would really suck." you assure me. and i held my little finger up for a promise. you smiled at me and sealed the promise. you definitely weren't as good with words as i was, but i still felt your sincerity with every word. and hoped it was real.

"just as long as you'd call 911 for me when i'm in an emergency." you say in a goofy tone and i laugh, and the atmosphere suddenly lightens up.

"oh, what are we going to do with you." i shake my head.

we interlaced our fingers and proceeded to joke into the wee hours of the night. we definitely had our share of the good things life offers.

//

things said under the stars and in the grass.

(june, 2020)

[mitakamirai]

i like how we move this thing like a drizzle. soft, gentle, but still felt.

we didn't throw storms at each other, we were, i don't know. the softness that we exude is driving me insane, i can't even fathom my thoughts out into words.

we leave each other hanging in a certain way, in a way that it's like a really good book you're reading. you don't want to stop. but you've gotta pause to do other things, and you can't wait to resume reading.

we take it a little adventure at a time. that whenever we spend time together, the spark never goes out. we're ecstatic to be together yet at the same time, giving ourselves the space we need.

we're possessive, we both know that. but we're possessive in a way that's not toxic. we're not keeping ourselves shackled into tight rules, letting loose and have fun. but still knowing where the line draws.

for me, the thought of the amount of things we can do at a short amount of time, but we choose to spend it longer, is kinda what makes me still head over heels for you.

everything is slow and steady. when we're left hanging, i can't wait to reunite and do these things. there's no boredom when we're together, there's no empty spaces felt that needs to be filled with others, because only the spark we gave ourselves can fill it.

let's keep this fire burning. let's never get off this lawn mower for a race car. there's no rush, only pure, developing feelings. and i hope it never stops.

//

i like being in love.

(may, 2020)

[mitakamirai]

maybe it's okay to be irrational at times.

maybe it's okay not to have logical reasons for the things we feel, the things we experience. logical reasons as to why we are happy, sad, angry, or dismayed. perhaps it is okay for them to come in sudden waves that crashes your day and makes your train of thought wander somewhere else.

maybe it's okay that we believe in aliens without any solid evidence because we feel it deep inside our hearts that they exist. like some sort of telepathy, there's a small voice in your mind that tells you to believe in the extraterrestrial. perhaps it is okay to believe in just our gut sometimes.

maybe it's okay to not be able to figure out the actual meaning of your favorite art work and love it solely for your own interpretation of what you see and what you feel when you laid eyes on it. perhaps it is okay to stem your love from beyond what you see and beyond what you can understand because you believe you are capable of loving its every single meaning.

maybe it's okay not to have a deep meaning of why you love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches topped with honey. that you just like the way it tickles your tastebuds just right and like the balance of sweet and the burst of tanginess with every bite. and your friends look at you with a disgusted face as they did not see how you found such a bizarre combination so delicious, and you just say "i like the way it tastes." perhaps it is okay to let them wonder why you enjoy certain things.

maybe it's okay to cry for no reason. maybe it's okay for you to pack your things and go to the seaside alone after you've spent a nice day at work. maybe it's okay for you to stop by a shop you've always passed by and buy a couple knick knacks.

maybe it's okay. for you to feel happy, for you to feel some sort of deeper connection because it tugs on your heartstrings, some sort of fulfillment that others cannot get from the same things you get them from. perhaps it is okay to be irrational sometimes.

and it is. because sometimes, being irrational means you get to enjoy what you are able to take in, dance it around, and wrap your heart around it. and it isn't always bad.

you don't always have to be so logical. let loose and be a little irrational sometimes. you'll never know what kind of things you'll be faced on the decisions you make on a whim.

maybe, just maybe, they'll be one of the best things you'll ever have.

//

unbeta.

i feel a little emotional today.

(may, 2020)