moderndamnpandora

[moderndamnpandora]

Garden of Life

by: moderndamnpandora

I always wanted to be able to grow my own garden, but because I don’t have green thumb, as what the elders say when you don’t have the talent in gardening, I always end up admiring them instead.

3 years ago, I was in my deepest and darkest year. I am juggling business, studies, school and outside organizations as an excuse not to feel the pain and emotions from a failed relationship. Instead of allowing myself to feel and realize what happened, I ended up bottling it and moved forward in life. Hate, sadness, anger, they left hidden in the safest place inside of me and waiting to consume me.

When I was left alone, these playmates kept on whispering words I cannot understand. They were like chaos and storms inside my head winning to get my attention.

You’re not worthy!

People left you because you’re not lovable!

Selfish bitch!

You deserve to die!

Every day I have to deal with these screams no one can ever hear but me. Many times I tried to call for help but no one listened. I thought of a way to communicate it ­– self-harm.

Mixed with guilt and waving numbness, satisfaction kissed me as I starve and cut.

One day in school, a message came. One of my loved ones passed away. Another pain I ran away with. 5 months after, in my safe place, I was asked to relay the news of my grandmother’s passing. Everyone was crying, everyone was acknowledging the situation.

…but there I was putting a strong face for them

I lost my interest with people, with activities, and just trying to live for the sake of living. Isolating became my companion until these playmates I kept hiding with finally saw me.

Choosing between living and ending became a constant battle in my head. I remained screaming in silence as I cannot find a way to deal with it. All of the bottled emotions suddenly consumed me.

I was drowning, I cannot breathe, I was shaking

That night when I am finally decided, one person stopped and changed my mind without realizing it. THREE WORDS. With just three words.

YOU ARE PRECIOUS, he said.

And just like how tall and sturdy my walls are, they collapsed. Many years of hiding and running finally met its finish line.

My life is filled with wonderful people, experiences and happenings despite of lost, pain, and sorrows. I realized that these were all inevitable and must be faced to learn and grow. No one is happy and satisfied with his life all day, because if there were I wonder how numb you are.

Sure there were days I feel sad but it doesn’t stop me from living.

I am learning to appreciate my life with its black and white, its ups and downs. If 3 years ago me, I would plan ahead and feel bad if it will not come out the way I want it. Now, I am excited to make mistakes, to have wounds and bruises, to lose. I am ready to learn, to grow, to accept, to have hope, to give and receive love.

To you who are reading this, you are a work in progress. Just like any plants, they won’t live without dirt, they won’t bloom without care, they won’t nourish without sunlight and water.  They grow with thorns and weeds yet stood out despite of having them.

With us humans, without sadness we won’t know happiness, without mistakes we won’t learn, without lost we won’t gain, without pain we won’t feel. Make these as part of your bloom.

Remember, you are a precious plant in a garden.

[moderndamnpandora]

When It Is More Than Just A Dream

by: moderndamnpandora

It was gray and filled with fog. My chest felt tight seeing an unfamiliar face crying in front of me. There was screams behind me asking to go near him but I was stuck. I can’t move, I can’t utter a word. Until he’s slowly fading like a clouds blew by the wind. This unfamiliar face left me with familiar longing and pain.

Then there he was, I found him again. He grew a lot and much happier. He hugged me and allowed me to feel all the emotions I can’t explain. He’s radiating, blooming, and illuminating beyond the beaming lights – his smile.

I am touching love, care, faith and hope personified into solid fluffy and sweet human. Those small limbs and dimples near your lower lips. Those giggle infecting every corners of my body. How can someone I met few times made me feel like this? Millions of words synonymous to happiness cannot explain this one.

My beloved, I may not know what is happening but whenever you visits me in my dreams you made me feel safe.

[moderndamnpandora]

EP5 What im looking forward this 2020? | Podcast #SoulTea

[moderndamnpandora]

EP4 5 THINGS I LEARNED IN 2019 | Podcast #SoulTea

[moderndamnpandora]

listen before I go (dumb cover) // billie eilish

[moderndamnpandora]

Boracay 2019 | Vlog 2 #Soultea

[moderndamnpandora]

[moderndamnpandora]

Help is always given to those who need it. Seek help friends!

[moderndamnpandora]

WASSUP THIS IS SIENA AND WELCOME TO MY FANGIRLING LIFE!

[moderndamnpandora]

Wassup friends, my first podcast is up.

I kinda messed up but babawi ako sa next episode hahaha

xx

[moderndamnpandora]

you are worthy👄

[moderndamnpandora]

[moderndamnpandora]

[moderndamnpandora]

They got something to say without even knowing my story.

[moderndamnpandora]

[moderndamnpandora]

Absence, the highest form of presence.

James Joyce (via quotemadness)

[moderndamnpandora]

i lost, again.