mom-imlearning

[mom-imlearning]

i cried to my counselor saying that i feel like a burden to my parents and that i should be doing much more for them

then my counselor asked me "𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒂 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕 𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈?"

i looked at her in wonder

she continued, "you're studying in one of the most prestigious universities without paying anything. compare your tuition to the amount your parents are giving for your allowance"

i gave her other reasons why i feel like a terrible person. every time, she asked me

"is it a fact or a feeling?"

and every time i answered "feeling"

when we're clouded with overwhelming emotions, we struggle to differentiate the facts from our feelings, which is totally understandable. 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘺

this is the time we have to remember that we don't always have to go through it alone and we can seek other people's help

𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦

with love, cosmic

02.23.24

[mom-imlearning]

what if in the process of gaining confidence, i lose myself?

a letter to my friend

i've been there i felt the pain of realizing how far i am from the person i want to be. i realized it when i met people who embodies my ideal self. they have already accomplished a lot of what I want to achieve, while I am just beginning to realize what I need to improve on

i relate immensely with your word "I need more confidence, I need to be more accountable, I need to bring good changes, but also not lose myself"

bc in the process of gaining confidence, what if i lose myself? what if i won't like the change?

i kept thinking "will my friends still like me if i change?"

i have this "cosmic" persona—the person who is kind, soft, calm, comforting. if i try to be confident, will i be able to do it without being egoistic?

what if in the process of gaining self-love i forget how to love others?

well, a few years later, here i am ^^

i gainnneeed sm confidence

i smile and socialize more often

i even hosted a game event in person, can you believe it???? a reserved person like me hosted an event in person???

and now i know that loving myself, wont make me lose my love for others. in fact, it's the opposite. i became "the love"

i love a lot more, just like the way i love myself and my friends love the way i lift myself up as well it's contagious it's like every place i step into, becomes a space filled with love and warmth 💌

[mom-imlearning]

my favorite month and season 🍂

november 🍂 enjoy the colors before they're gone

[mom-imlearning]

photo from @thetinywisdom

[mom-imlearning]

isn’t it weird how we do not realize that we’re aging until the day of our birthday? in fact, we are aging right now, at this very moment; we’re continuously aging. we age past who we were a month ago, a day ago, even a minute, and seconds ago. we are no longer exactly who we were before—whether it's what we wear, the places we've been, or the way we think. anything can change in a moment. it’s a lifelong process of losing and gaining something. it feels like yesterday when i was looking at the sky through the bus window with my parents on our way home, but in reality, it’s been more than 10 years. it feels like yesterday when i was in a classroom with my grade 11 classmates. lars was talking with his friends near the window, and i was sitting and laughing beside onyate, who was complaining about something. yet, it’s actually been 4 years. time is running; i do not even notice sometimes. so i remind myself from time to time to look at my surroundings, myself, and others, and feel it—feel this very moment, capture it, and enjoy it because who knows? i might blink, and years have already passed

[mom-imlearning]

The Sound I Heard Before

I was maybe around 7 years old when, every night, my mom would sing me to sleep. Her voice was so relaxing and soft, like a lullaby. I remember always craving that sound because it was incredibly comforting, and I would immediately fall soundly asleep.

Little did I know that the love I felt for my mom's voice back then would be something I'd wish someone would feel when they hear my own voice.

In the 7th grade, while other people's voices deepened due to puberty, mine barely changed and only sounded smaller in comparison to my peers. "Comforted" was what I felt from my mom, but the opposite was what my peers felt when they heard my voice: "irritated." My voice was so small that people thought I was forcing it. I can't blame them; it was also the time when Vice Ganda's song "Wag Kang Pabebe" and the "Pabebe girls" became popular. It was a terrible time for someone with a small voice to be heard.

Faced with ridicule, my confidence shrunk to fit the size of the box holding my voice. Speaking only triggered anxiety, as I was afraid that people would mockingly imitate my voice or that I'd irritate them and ruin their day.

My phone still holds one of the countless recordings I made while trying to practice deepening my voice. It was similar to the numerous takes I did to record a voiceover for presentations until my throat hurt so much that I could no longer speak because I hated how I sounded. It was like how I repeatedly sent voice messages where I think I sounded deeper to my close friend, hoping she would agree that my voice no longer sounded small. I vividly remember the nervousness I felt when I had to shout 'Para po' in a jeepney or 'present' during attendance checking in class. I'd sound like I was about to cry, which was true, out of fear that they'd notice my tiny voice, and I'd be reminded of my failed attempts to change it. Every time I heard myself speak, it only reminded me of the haunting echoes of the people who mocked it or the gentle pattering of my tears as they fell upon a flat surface.

It was until my mom returned home from abroad and I overheard her speaking to her friend. Her friend commented, "Your voice is still so small," which made me realize something I had never thought about before. The voice that comforted me to sleep, the one I had always loved and cherished, was very similar to the one I deeply hated at that time. I tried to listen to myself the way I had listened to my mom's voice before, and oh, how my perspective had changed. Yes, my voice is small, but instead of being irritating, it's more relaxing. My voice, just like my mom's, is as soft as the stuffed pillow that carries all the heaviness of the day at nighttime. My high-pitched and excited voice reminds me of the giggles of children, still innocent and full of wonder about the mysteries of life. My voice has its own unique tune that follows the beat of my soul's innocence and youthful spirit.

I hear it daily, so I wonder how I could have forgotten that I had already heard my voice before, maybe even earlier than my 7th year of life, perhaps even while I was still in my mom's belly—a voice singing with love that I now carry to remind myself that my voice is similar to the comforting sound I heard before.

[mom-imlearning]

𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒖𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒐𝒍𝒊𝒅 𝒂𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕

like, If i'm not good at math, then what am i really meant for?

i have been avoiding thinking that way because i genuinely enjoy math, and i'm afraid that questioning my skills might shatter my confidence and enthusiasm. the thought of losing that spark that keeps me going is just scary. but i realized that it's time to face the fact that i lack skills. it hurts, no doubt but on the bright side, it means i have so much more room for growth. there's more about math that i am yet to discover, and that excites me in a way!!! however, i'm also aware of the pressure to keep up with the fast pace of university life, and that can be overwhelming :( despite that, i'm hopeful and looking forward to my growth. i keep wondering how much progress i'll make in a few years if i stick with it and refuse to give up. i'm genuinely excited to see myself evolve and improve in math; i really wanna see it through 💌

[mom-imlearning]

the bravest thing i ever did was ask for help

last january 21, i realized that i'd been in a terrible place for at least a week i had been trying to cope healthily and face my problems as soon as i had them, but despite my effort, i still had depressive symptoms. my effort only worked temporarily. it hurt. the moment i stopped to do simple daily responsibilities, especially when I was not with someone I was emotionally close with, i felt the loss of motivation from doing anything, apathy, or heaviness again. i swear I was trying my hardest, so I didn't know why i still had nightmares, woke up too early, and was hungry more frequently than normal. it felt like i was desperately gasping for air, but the air's too thin, i simply could not breathe. it was a suffocating loop, i was slowly losing hope that's when i realized that maybe i didn't have to handle it alone. if handling them by myself is not working, shouldn't it be a sign to ask for help? so i did i went to my university's office of counseling and then told my appointed counselor everything i was going through after the session, i immediately talked to everyone involved in my problems. i told them what i was struggling with and that i needed their help. they were compassionate and open about it 🥺

more than a month has passed, and i think i am now more mindful of my capacity to handle things on my own and braver in asking for help when i can't handle things alone :>

how about you? what's the bravest thing you've ever done? let's interact ^^

[mom-imlearning]

dont you think it's unfair that some are born in poverty?

i was eating in a fast food restaurant when i noticed two kids roaming around. at first i thought they lost something until their face lit up when they saw some leftovers and then ate them like they were having a feast

naalala ko ung mga batang nakikita kong nagbebenta ng malagkit malapit din sa lugar na yon they're probably 5-7 years old, dapat naglalaro lang sila, walang pinoproblema bakit parang luxury pa sa kanila ang makakain nang maayos?

sinundan ko sila para magbigay ng pagkain, naabutan ko sila nakatingin sa dunkin donuts pinoproblema ung presyo kaya binigyan ko ng pambili

sa daan pauwi may nakita akong kuting na patakbo sa gitna ng kalsada. hinabol ko tas binalik sa gilid para d masagasaan

may driver na nagtanong kung nakagat ba ako kasi naghiss sakin, sabi ko "hindi po" naappreciate ko ung concern nya at the same time wondering kung halata na sa mata kong paiyak ako kaya nag-aalala sya

ayon hagulgol ako pag-uwi

i can't do much to help them iyon ung nakakafrustrate i wish i could help them pero kailangan ko rin muna tulungan sarili ko so i hope by making the most of the resources that i am lucky to have, ill be able to prosper to the point that i am financially capable of helping people in need 🥺

[mom-imlearning]

i felt so insecure earlier but right now i love myself so much; i mean the world to me 🥺💗

[mom-imlearning]

Its okay if you dont have your whole life together by a certain age. Life is not a script you should follow in order to have everything be perfect (without it containing any changes whatsoever). You still have time to learn, you still have time to love, you still have time to find out, explore and see. Don't be afraid to take your time to achieve your goals and shape your life the way you want it, but also don't forget to stop and enjoy the beauty you might find on the way.

[mom-imlearning]

"that's only for girls"

my brother liked a purse that looked generally feminine and my parents told him it was "only for girls"

i asserted "no, if he likes it, he should keep it"

when picking items that don't require a person's genitalia, one's sex should be out of the discussion :>

[mom-imlearning]

validating one's emotion is not agreeing with how one feels. it simply means you're acknowledging how they feel

[mom-imlearning]

being rude is not a personality trait :<

[mom-imlearning]

sharing my experience in the hope that someone who is in a similar situation can find comfort from knowing that they are not alone

ive been burning out recently, not because i neglected myself but because so many unexpected incidents happened to me recently. i swear i tried and have been trying my hardest to cope healthily, and it did help, but only temporarily because after handling one problem, another one follows. it feels like a suffocating loop. at first, i was hopeful, but the more it continued, the more my hope faded. "until when am i going to do this?" i asked myself when i had ||suicidal ideation|| just this week. i didn't know the answer before, but today i think it's as long as im breathing. it's scary thinking how it may never be better, but it's scarier thinking how it can be worse. im more scared of making things worse by doing nothing, so even tho coping can only make me feel better for a day, half a day, or even an hour or a minute, ill take it

[mom-imlearning]

i learned that i was gaslighted yesterday which made me wonder why even tho i was certain that it wasn't my fault, i still barely defended myself. i believed her after hours of shadow working i realized that it was because i'd been gaslighted the majority of my life. i grew up being the scapegoat. when something bad happened, it was automatically my fault. when i defended myself, they reasoned that i have a terrible memory. i believed them

after learning that earlier, i spent another hour thinking about what i could've done instead and what can i do better next time to defend myself

i feel emotionally better and smarter now but wow, it hurts realizing how much my younger self had been through :< i wish i can talk to her and say "it's not your fault" and "you're not a terrible person unlike what they made you believe" then ill shower her with compliments until she learns how worthy she is :((( stopping here bc my tears are blurring my vision ㅠ-ㅠ goodnight

[mom-imlearning]

photo by Sara Kuburic