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[momdiaries]

06/04/24

Its been a minute since I've posted anything. I have been very busy since the last time I post. We've had several birthdays to celebrate along with Mother's Day and a community garage sale, which I probably posted about. If I didn't, I'll post what happened for context. I had been meaning to post more but I have been exhausted but today, I really wanted to put something down, especially since I have been thinking a lot about breaking the cycle with bad parenting. My parents were very selfish and even now they behave that way and I know that I tend to act that way at times but I'm trying really hard to break that. I started looking for ways to keep myself in check but I have read that it is a life long struggle and I hate that but I am willing to make it happen. I hope I can do it.

[momdiaries]

05/17/24

Friday Rant and Word Vomit Warning:

So it's the community garage sale tomorrow and I've already told my mom, anything that's mine or my child's, I would like to donate since this year, we want to walk around and see what everyone else is selling....so why did she put all of my child's things out for sale tomorrow and none of her own damn stuff? When I saw it, I casually asked, is the money going to my child if you're selling her stuff? (Keep in mind, I bought these items, that's why I said I would like to donate them) and she got quiet but then said, we'll if you stay here you can get the money, so I said we'll if it's alright, I'd like to donate everything. At that point, she's upset and goes well, and then I'll just pack everything and donate since I don't have anything of mine to sell. (She tends to hoard, so she has A LOT but refuses to get rid of them) it's weird, I don't feel bad. I already told her I'd like to get donate anything, but she didn't listen. She's done this before, too. A while back, she felt the house was cluttered and started screaming about it and so at that time, I felt the anger was towards me, it always was when I grew up, so I immediately got rid of everything that was mine around the house. Right after I came back from Goodwill, she laughed and apologized, like, oops? My bad. And guess what, her stuff was still everywhere. It just misses me off so much. Ugh, okay, rant over for now. I have to pack all our stuff and prep it for goodwill...I don't feel bad anymore... Is that bad?

[momdiaries]

05/15/24

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day, whether you were celebrating someone or being celebrated yourself. Mine was a quiet day, which is exactly what I wanted. I was content with just being with my child and doing what ever which included video games, napping and some tv. We made breakfast and dinner for my family but other than that, it was nice.

There were a few frustrating things before though but that has since cleared itself up. My BIL can be very very toxic. He had been pushing to celebrate all mother's in the family (Don't get me wrong, it was a kind gesture) however, because we have a community garage sale the following weekend, we have had to use our weekends to prepare, which included Mother's Day weekend. Now my BIL asked everyone the Friday before so we already had plans set. Well, that didn't work with him so he decided to not respect my family's wishes and show up with burgers. All of us women then gave our gifts to each other. It wasn't super upsetting but at the same time, NONE of us was able to get anything that we wanted done. That was frustrating. I always tell myself "you can control people" because you can't but I know I can control myself, the way I behave , my reactions. I have been working hard on myself but I definitely still have slip ups.

Recently today, I had been working but also watching my nephews as well as my child all day. It wasn't anything bad, I love all of them with all my heart, but it is exhausting. Juggling so much while still trying to promote at work. Anyways, my child had Martial arts class and I'm thinking because of the day, my social meter was already drained. During class, I started having an anxiety attack and just became overwhelmed with all the noise and I nearly broke down crying. I had to walk out and I did. I just walked out of the building so I could breathe. After some time, I was able to come back and bring myself back. I don't know if it's because of everything going on this month? We have several birthdays, Mother's Day, the garage sale and even a new baby on the way so a baby shower (not for me) but it's so much going on and I am a huge introvert that I feel like it's already too much. These parties are also happening at the family house, which is where I live, with family. I just want to leave. I feel like I can't do anything I want to do but I may have to really lay some boundaries and just do what I can. It sounds selfish and maybe it is, but I have to do whatever is best for me, no one else will.

I started doing breathing/meditation exercises. It's not often but I think I need to do them daily, even if it is only 10 min. I feel like I'm losing my peace and I need to bring it back. My child has been so understanding but I hate that she sees me suffer. I had wanted to take her for ice cream since she did so well in class but funds are tight this month, with everything going on and so I told her I would make a nutella shake at home for her. Well I messed that up and put too much milk, but she still loved it. She said it was one of the best shakes she's had. How did I get so lucky with her. With her, I think everything will be okay.

[momdiaries]

05/03/24

Little proud moment coming in. My daughter and I have had the house to ourselves all week, and today, we took some time to relax. We ended up planning our weekend meals, and today, we experimented with making homemade "fettuccine" noodles. I put the quotes because they didn't come out so perfect since we don't have a pasta maker, but it was still a fun experience. We set up our dinner like it was a little fancy meal for us. I took pictures because I was super excited about it lol!

[momdiaries]

05/02/24

So we have had the house to ourselves for a week and it has been amazing! It's given me the extra push to keep going and do whatever it takes to get us out. Even my child said she loved it when it's just her and I. I've been feeling unmotivated lately, but this little time alone has really been helping me get back on track. I know there's a lot of work ahead, but I will do what I need to to give my daughter the life she deserves. Wish me luck!

[momdiaries]

04/25/24

It's been such an exhausting week. I feel like I have so much in my brain but no motivation to get anything done. To be fair, my sleep schedule has been completely off, and I've been having a hard time sleeping. I'm trying to fix that, but posting at 10 pm. probably isn't helping.

I am glad tomorrow is Friday though. I plan to try and wake up early to take my daughter to donuts for a surprise. I hope that works, if not, I'll take her somewhere else after school. Anyways, I'm making this short, my brain is tired and so is my body. Goodnight.

[momdiaries]

04/23/2024

FYI: Scattered brain thoughts coming through on this post

This past week has been filled with all kinds of emotions. Last weekend, I felt the tension in my family grow. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I could feel the tension in the room. It seemed like it started with something so small. My parents had gone to the grocery store. Sometimes, they will buy extra snacks for my daughter. I do have to mention, I give money to chip in for groceries, but I also buy my own. This time, they had bought a bulk pack of cookies and my daughter asked who they were for. My mother said, “Oh they’re for you!” and without a pause, my dad snapped back and said, “No, its not JUST for you.” So I already knew, with something so small, we had to watch what we said. At that point, I pulled my daughter aside and told her not to worry about the cookies. If she wanted them, I would buy her some. That little incident made me think back.

When I was a kid, if there were snacks or any kind of food and we asked about them, the first response was always “well who bought them?” and of course my dad ALWAYS made sure we knew he bought the food so technically it belongs to him. Let me just say, if you are THAT parent, knock it off right now. Let’s think, who does it benefit when you try to make people feel so low? I’ll tell you, it sure as hell makes it look like you’re a complete dick and most likely…..you are. So Selfish, at that point, why did you become a parent if you knew you couldn’t share?

When I’m grocery shopping, I generally let my daughter pick all her snacks and now I hide them or put them somewhere where she only has access to them. I give her the choice to share when she’s happily eating them and she always shares.

So because of that incident, we went back to our rooms and just kept to ourselves most of that weekend. I think I mentioned it before, but we generally keep to ourselves anyways. All of our stuff is in our rooms, my work is in my room and my daughter likes to hang out because its one of the places she feels safe.

It’s funny because my parents hate that we keep to ourselves but when we come down to socialize, it turns into an argument somehow.

I’ll give you some examples, my dad likes to watch whatever on tv without being careful of the rating, there have been times where my daughter wanted to come downstairs but couldn’t because my dads watching two people doing something on tv. It infuriates me at how inconsiderate he is. They have a tv upstairs but would rather watch the big screen. It’s happened several times and my mom is aware and gets upset but still does nothing. So now I go downstairs first and then announce we’re coming down and my mom stops the tv. How sad is that?! If your wanting to watch something you know isn’t appropriate for the kids in the house, do that crap somewhere else.

Another example, this involves my mom, I used to bake for a side job to make extra money, I wasn’t super good and I’ll be honest I didn’t handle the business well because I didn’t think my skills were worth more, so I never really made money, I would just do it to expand my skills. Well one day my mom was having a full on fit about how dirty the house was and made me get rid of all of my things that couldn’t fit in my room. I donated everything, then literally, the moment I came back, she said sorry, but it was a baby sounded sorry, like oops, sorry for my mood swings. Well, its already too damn late, I got rid of everything…so who’s going to replace everything I donated? At that point, I’ve kept everything in my room. If it doesn’t fit, I get rid of what I don’t need to make room for the new.

So now when my parents want us to come out more…..why? why would we come out when they haven’t done much to make us feel like we can?

I know they are learning, because with all the crap they’ve done, they can’t say anything anymore. My dad tries, but he just looks like a fool. It makes no sense, especially since we haven’t done anything, literally. We keep to ourselves, keep our little area clean, and clean up after ourselves and still my dad tries to fight…WHY?! I haven’t killed anyone like one his other kid. I don’t do drugs and I don’t even drink. I’m a single parent working my ass off and trying to get as far as I can financially so I can take my daughter away from these toxic grandparents. I’m just patiently waiting for the day we can leave and never come back.

I’ve had a lot on my brain and right now this is all I could get out. I’ll probably post another scattered brain post with more. I have a lot I need to get out and I’m trying to put everything in some kind of order, but its tough to control chaos.

Anyways. I started reading more, although I can’t read actual books since I put myself to sleep, I’ve been listening to books. I hope that counts lol.

[momdiaries]

04/10/24

Let's talk about sleepovers. My daughter (10yr) was invited to a slumber party at our neighbor's house. Now, this is already a no since there have been some issues with them in a very absurd way.

Little History Lesson for Context:

We used to all hang out with our kids but I started to notice that the wife seems to have an issue with me, I don't know if it's because I'm more voluptuous and younger than she is or because my daughter is more outgoing than her daughter. But there have been times when I make a joke about myself and I catch her rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. It's happened several times and more recently, without really realizing it until after maybe the second or third time, if the husband is outside (by himself) and I'm on my way to my car, he dashes into the house. This has literally happened several times. At first I thought it was a coincidence but then there was one day where he was mowing the lawn (he mows our lawn since we let him use our lawn mower to mow his lawn) and I had to run to the store, I had no idea he was out there but I was walking to my car, I had glanced over since i saw a figure on our lawn and he was in the middle of mowing. All of a sudden, he stops and darts into the garage. I thought it was so bizarre. Maybe I'm being irrational, but I haven't seen anyone behave like that before. Anyways, because of those things and more (maybe I'll post more about it at another time since there is way more, those were just some recent experiences) I'm hesitant to really interact with them.

Lesson Over.

So the slumber party was already a no for me and my daughter knows the situation and she's fine with it, especially since she also doesn't know any of the kids (besides the birthday girl) going to that party but it totally got me thinking about sleepovers in general. When I went to sleepovers, I only remember having fun when it was just me and one of my friends (I didn't have a ton of friends growing up) but when it came to full slumber parties with other kids, I hated them, I don't know if it was because I wasn't really friends with the kids or the fact that they were playing "pranks" which involved someone getting picked on somehow and I remember always asking to leave early. I truly don't remember thinking they were great.

Now, as a mother, my first instinct is that sleepovers are always a no since there's that fear of child abuse or inappropriate behavior from an adult figure in the household. I was reading articles about whether or not they are even beneficial for a child, and one had stated that it helps build independence for that child. My daughter is somewhat independent, meaning she knows how to do laundry, she knows how to cook and clean and she does a lot of self care on her own but she knows I am there whenever she needs me. I technically don't see a need for her to go to sleepovers or slumber parties, but I also don't want to be that overprotective mother preventing her from having fun. Maybe in the future, I'll let her go, depending on how well I know the kids and the parents.

[momdiaries]

04/09/24

I figured I would start with an introductory post just to describe what I plan on doing with this account. Honestly, I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down, whether it's happy or sad, angry, or just plain random. I tend to keep things inside since I have such a nosey family, and I am a very private person. It's frustrating having to keep everything in, but I'm hoping this will help me find my inner peace.

A little bit about me, I am a single mother of one. It's been a wonderful but scary journey. Ultimately, I do think my relationship with my child is stronger than some, but I know I also have to keep myself in check. I am in NO WAY a perfect mom. I've learned awful habits from my own parents, and I'm trying really hard to break those so my child doesn't grow to resent me like I have with my parents. Unfortunately, we live with my parents. I make decent money at a stable job. However, with everything being so pricey and not getting any kind of additional support, I've had to live at home, which is where problems can occur. Living with an angry, emotionally abusive father and an enabling, insecure mother can lead to so many problems, so I've had to resort to keeping my own life private and now my child's. My ultimate goal is to buy our own little condo to call home and finally be away from all the toxicity that invades this current household. So until then, I'll be posting my frustrations as well as celebrations here.