monobrowlis

[monobrowlis]

5/3/18

Haven’t wrote in awhile. This is my best opener. 

A lot has happened since I last posted. A lot in the sense that I’ve experienced quite a few new things :0) I met someone(s). Of course I did. 

In December, I met this guy named Joshua and we clicked. I really started to like him or the person I thought he was online for awhile. I hadn’t got romantic attention from anyone like that, so it was interesting for me. I ended up liking him a lot, which is dumb looking back as I didn’t know him AT ALL. But a really close friend of mine started talking to him right after I told her I liked him. Which really sucked, and really hurt me bad. I stopped trusting her since then, and am still very weary of her, but trying to let that go. I’m a pretty forgiving person. I hate negativity, it just leads to me being uncomfortable, especially with people I consider close to me. Once I consider someone to be close to me, it’s hard for me to let them go easily no matter what they do. A lot of drama happened, I fought with my friend and didn’t talk to her for a week. Joshua was a cunt, so I stopped talking to him aswell. So, start of January was kinda shite for me. I was feeling pretty down and just shite. But I started talking to someone I met online.

We had been following each other off insta for a year pretty much, and found each other off tinder. I didn’t think much, especially since I was still all about Joshua and going through all that. I just went with the flow with him. I expected us to just be friends, especially since at the time he’d just broke up with his girlfriend who I know. But, we hit it off and started talking a shitload. We were sending memes to each other like everyday, and then moved onto facetiming which brought us closer. And he became apart of me. And he still is. 

We went on our first date, which i thought was just going to be an OUTING. But that was quickly reconfirmed. It was really, really great. I was so happy with him. I was so fucking comfortable, and it was another of those friendships/relationships that just happen. Like you dont even think about why this is happening..it just happened. Never in my whole life would I have thought about fucking meeting someone online. But, I did. And it changed me quite a bit. He quickly became an occupant of my head space. I thought about him alot. He made me feel good about myself. There are so many good things about him that I wanted to fall in love with. I was ready to let myself get hurt again. And I surely did. He was still not over his ex, and I was always there. I wanted to be there for him as a friend for the most part, but he was always very flirty. I learnt to flirt back with him. I consider myself a really shit flirter, and really not that sexy when doing so. But I quickly found a flirty part of myself and managed to do it with confidence. He really made me more aware of my sexuality aswell. He’s just a really great dude that I actually respect. I really don’t respect a lot of people. I like the way he approaches situations, how honest he can be with me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely hurt me a few times with his words. But ofcourse, I never show that weak SHIT!

But with him, with all this, I’ve realised I really am not confident in myself. I don’t know myself well enough to stop the comparing, and the self-hating thoughts. I do shitty things for my insecurities like posting shit online so he can see it. In some ways, I’ve lost a part of me. A part of my identity. I think of him everyday, almost like an obsession. I think of him way too much. I’ve incorporated my feelings of him onto posts online, which I really hate now looking back at it. I really give myself away to someone I really like. And I really fucking like him so much. But it’s not mutual. He just wants to fuck around and keep me around at the same time. So it sucks. Liking someone sucks. Liking them more than they like you sucks.

So he’s made me realize/learn quite a few things: 

The truth fucking hurts, but that’s okay. It’s honest, and honestly can be brutal. You’ll get over it. 

I’m not a secure person. I don’t guard my heart at all and I roam freely. This is a pro and con. But, life’s short. Experience the shit times. Experience fucking heartbreak. Experience feeling so fucking shit you don’t know what to do anymore. 

Be honest with yourself and what you want. Push yourself to be more accepting of your true feelings. 

You can’t let a person stop you from doing you. Even though they don’t know who you really are/you just haven’t gotten to a far stage in your relationship, you can’t just stop being yourself now that you’re more aware of their existence. This has been a battle in my mind. 

Sometimes people just want attention and a good fuck. 

Infatuation is a tricky thing, and feelings won’t always be mutual.

Obsession is toxic, when you feel like you’re getting to that stage, pull back. Give people space, give yourself time away from them as well. 

Love hard

This is the end. I’ve written a shit load already and well thats whatsup sisters. 

[monobrowlis]

In my current state, of everything, i’m not at peace with myself yet. I’m trying to get there though, which is better than not trying. A new school year has started and it is definitely better than last year. I’m positive this year, and I have this urging feeling at the back of my head, constantly telling me that all this is going to be fucking over sooner than I think, so i should just cherish it. I will miss it, even though every passing day I sometimes wish the day would end. I will miss going to breakfast with the rose gang, being with my friends at night, seeing some wonderful people everyday. And there’s literally less than a year left so I have to make it worth it. I’m not trying to make up for all the times I was ‘weird’ or didnt want to talk to anyone, because that’s just how i was. I was in a really bad headspace last year. No focus and no sense of self at all. BUT, I feel over the summer break that I understood myself more. I didn’t constantly tell myself shit, I didn’t keep telling myself to act a certain way infront of people. I was just, me. Beautifully, naturally, me. And that was my fucking happy place. 

So this year, im trying to make use of my facilities, do the shit i need/want to do and fucking excel. Do great, learn everyday, grow. And I’m excited to do it with the people I love around me. I’m glad to have found friends like Nina and YX who I fucking love, who I know are there for me always. They give me support and that shit ROCKS!   

Nite whole world, dont get stuck in the lift.

[monobrowlis]

Hello everyone I’m speakin from KOREA!!! <3 <3 

I just felt the need to get some stuff out of my fatty system. Som POSITIVITY and some useless thoughts r comin so g.e.t. r.e.a.d.y.

ALWAYS be yourself, focus on yourself, create yourself/find yourself wateva. Just make sure to always focus on YOU (most the time). Don’t let liking someone get in the way of you being you. It’s different for everyone but for me, i just kinda stop being myself. I’m a person who adapts to the people I’m with. I do this a lot. And for example, this Person that I’ve been talking to/liking quite a bit, i’ve adapted to him SOMEHOW. It’s just when u like someone it kinda takes your life over somtimes n sadly, i’m not exaggerating. The person takes over YOUR thoughts. 

I’m possessive, that’s what I’ve come to realize. I overthink a lot. I naturally makeup stories/scenarios in my head that mostly aren’t true. And because of that I get hurt. I get jealous a lot (not of things, I am really grateful for that) Sometimes of the relationships between people/someone I like. Like for example if I feel like the person I like has a better relationship/(overthinking: they think that person is more interesting to talk to)  I sometimes let stupid thoughts ruin my mood/make me sad/mad. just DONT EVEN CHANGE URSELF FOR SOMEBODY UNLESS IITS SOMETHING U WANT TO DO. But sometimes.. I also tend to try and “hide” who I am infront of the people who i like... basically not bein my TRU SELF. Which means that I’m ashamed of who I am. U NEED  to b urself infront of people yall... 100%. Especially with the people who u plan on getting close to... friendship/relationship. ALWAYS b urself OK!!

Don’t put anyone before urself... TAKE GOOD FUKIN CARE!!!! <3 <3 I’ve got to remind myself more to not always take things so seriusly, although i do believe that there needs to be a balance sometimes. Plus, sometimes taking things seriusly can also b kinda fun. 

Lov, 

mono.

[monobrowlis]

MY DUDEES IM GOIN APE CRAZY OVER THAT MCR VID..... AND THE FACT THAT THEIR LAST SONG THAT THEY RELEASED WAS FAKE YOUR DEATH. I ALWAYS HAD A THOUGHT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND. WHY WOULD THEY RELEASE A SONG LIKE THAT..? WHY??? CALLED “FAKE YOUR DEATH”??? THIS WAS ALL JUST A PLAY WITH US AFTER ALL?? I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENIGN BUT I REALLY HOPE THEIR BACK TOGETHER, RELEASING ANOTHER ALBUM AND MY LIFE WILL BE FUCKING COMPLETE DUDE. I AM SERIOUSLY GOING APE FUCKING SHIT

[monobrowlis]

idk who these people are but apparently theyre your gaming friends

[monobrowlis]

qin le made this for you!!

[monobrowlis]

Microscopic photograph of the inside of a Vagina. How beautiful.

[monobrowlis]

Hi everyone readin, here yohanna is now after a few weeks writing to u again! Back on TRACK. This year hasnt been the type of productive I was wishing it to be, but i am keeping myself busy with all thats going on and id rather it be this way than doing nothing at all. Its already May fucking hell!!!!! Time is REALLY moving fucking fast and I am trying to remind myself that alot now. Spend time with family even though Ill get alot of time in the future, I am young. Experience being young and spending alot of time with family, friends (especially). Because things can get taken away from you, people, can get taken away from you. And most of the time you wouldnt see it coming. I am reminding myself that I do not need negativity, but at the same time, without negativity how would I have gotten to where I am now??? You need it, we all need it, so lately ive been just accepting that negativity. Experience and learn. Ive been thinking, is my positivity boring? Is my optimism a bore? Because the darkness of negativity reels me in. The poems, the talks, the quotes. They are all really interesting to listen to. And ive read enough (i think) of optimistic quotes and they are all the same, and nothing to it. I am rambling. Goodnight fellow citizens everwhere in the world. I love you and gnite. Lov,mono.

[monobrowlis]

13/3/2016 

JAPAN 2016

               I am in Japan right now and there are so many things to talk about. I’ve been in Japan for around 5 days already, and tomorrow is my last day in Club Med. Then we are off to stay somewhere in the airport hotel in Sapporo and spend a day there till we go back to humid as fuck KL. : (( 

Skiing has been really amazing here. It is SO beautiful sosososo SO beautiful and I’m going to try to make tomorrow the best day I possibly can for me. Play in the snow, go to canadian bath with my period, ski LOADS tilll my feet fall the fuck off, sleigh, and full on hang out with family n frens. 

I’ve started to use this blog as a diary, and it is easier on the hands for me. But I have to start writing pencil to paper again soon. 

I’ve already met so many awesome people here. The ski instructors are all beautiful, very interesting people. There’s Sarah (my first ski instructor this trip) so lovely, Bron who is phenomenal, Keith who is the “tough” person but beautiful in n out, BONTO!!!! awesome guy who helps fit boots, so grate so grate, there’s J who is also awsum as fuck really chatty n very serious doing his job. All these people are so grate and have come from all over the place to end up in sahoro. Passionate about their jobs, living life to the maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax!!!!! I want to talk about Keith for a bit. 

He use to be a manager/own ( I forgot ) a company that produces medicine for quite a long time. Very smart guy, I think he majored in chemistry. N He loves skiing and sailing. He’s got something holding onto him, trying to suffocate his body till it cannot anymore. And the reason he came back after that 2 year break is, he wants to ski!!!!!! I quote wonderful Keith, “If I’m gonna die, I want to die with my boots on” And that struck me like lightning. I am a big fan of Keith. People really do come and go. 

I tried snowboarding for the first time today and it was CRAZY tiring. The most tiring sport ever on earth to LEARN. Apparently it’s easy to get good at and learn. But I want to have fun tomorrow on my last day here and I won’t achieve that by doing more snowboarding. OK, snowboarding is very fun to learn and to do. But, it takes a lot of effort and energy to do it. I’m on my butt most of the time in the class anyway. 

So tomorrow, is a full day of skiing again. Might do a class in the morning, then spend the rest of the day skiing with fam n frens. I’ve had a really really beautiful time here in Club Med. SO MUCH FUCKING DANCING!!!!!! I LOVE DANCING. And the atmosphere is sooooooooooooo HIGH. I am going to miss the crazy as fuck dancing that i ADORE. I’m gonna try learn all of it. And learn japanese. Coming this year again made me rethink my choices. And I think I want to go to Australia next year, just for school then go other places far away. I WANT to travel and I want to see this world we perceive as huge. KL has nothing for me anymore. I will always love the culture n how Malaysia is in general but I want to go other places, and hopefully thats what I’ll achieve. 

Goodnight lovers, I’ll write again soon. 

Lov, mono. 

[monobrowlis]

Hey!!!! Wats the date??

(10 March 2016)

Its my 2nd night in japan! Today was a full day of skiing. Not too much action, hopefully will get more tomorrow. There is not too much to talk about except the canadian bath n jordan n jo going out of the bath n running up a hill. That was very nice to watch. Food is good as usual, although I didn't get my foie gras that i had wish was gonna b there. Great day of skiing, havin fun, wanna take more pictures n party more. Make the best out of this trip. Nite! 😆☀️💖

[monobrowlis]

HI! We have to talk about something today. Ive heard the saying "its not fair, guys get to wear whatever they want and not get judge for it, for girls it different" HOW IS IT DIFFERENT?? EVERYONE!!!!!! OPEN UP YOUR MIND DIG DEEP TO THE DEPTHS OF YOUR SOUL. ALERT: YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT. ITS A MATTER OF WHETHER YOU GIVE A FUCK OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR NOT!!!! And I really hope you dont. Come on, pls, sick of hearing this phrase really really sick. Do not let other peoples thoughts of you stop you from doing what YOU want to do, wear, etc. this is your life!!!! Focus on you!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Update: I wrote this awhile ago and just came back to look at it and realized that i wasn't being that understanding. I understand why we as girls may come to say that. We have been told that we have to care a lot about how we look on the outside, to the point that it is pressuring. So, sorry for not being understanding

[monobrowlis]

BROGA TRIP 23-24 Feb 2016 N OTHER STUFF HAI again people reading. OK LETS GET TO IT! This week has been eventful with the japanese students coming to school and the chinese drum performance and show, jamming with my lovely lovely frend Gwen was also really nice. We’ve been writin songs together and i am having a grate time. The lyrics in the songs so far, dont really make me think much and dont mean much to me yet but im sure ill connect to it some way. Its just Gwen n her uke, and me, Jo,with my shaker n voice!!!! Now to the trip, Me n friends from school went to this place called Broga Hills/ paradise valley for two days 1 night with students from a school in japan called Hokuryo High School. The first day they came and watched our show.(my frend performed a dance with her sista!!!) And they even performed their own thing and it was fierce fishing style. The trip to Broga hills was over at hour long. We were late to arrive so we couldnt do all the activities, we only really did two. Slight bit waste of money but nothin TOO serius!!! First day we did an activity called Watchman tower climb, and just rock climb kind of. It was fun for 1 minute. At night we ate, got to know each other. I fell more and more in love with Moito, this really nice Jap guy. He is adorable and I wish i knew what the FAK he was sayin. So now I am trying to teach myself japanese. I also met a girl i saw last year when We went to japan. Her name is Madoka and she is adorbz like everyone else. i admire all of them. At night there was a campfire, and the way they lit it was really cool. They had a ladder and a string on it connected to the wood. They lit up the paper looling thing attached to the string and it slid down into the wood and LIT. IT. UP!!!!! We played games like pass the ball with our elbows only, hula hoop race and LIMBO ROCK. We even had a DANCE PARTI!!! This trip I got the chance to know some of the girls in my year more. We’ve become closer friends and have gotten to know each other much more. We shared a few ghastly stories at night, and apparently broga is haunted. LOV THE STORIES DHO! Next morning was wake up fucking early day so we woke at 4:45 and met everyone else at around 5:30 then started the hike. Which was really tiring at first but worked out. Just like coming down kemensah heights, i slid my way down on my butt most of the time becase it was way too slippery to walk on most of the time. I took some beautiful photos on the hill and during the hike up and down. We watched the sunrise, for around an our we sat on our cute asses and just waited. The hokuryo students had to leave a little early to make it to batu caves so after breakfast they left. Us KL students had the choice to kayak but My battery was drained so I didnt go. The only slight, small as fuck regret I have is not making enough effort to talk to them and TRY to get to know them. Last year in japan I talked to them all the time and made conversation so easily, but this time I dont know why it was like I was avoiding making conversation because I didnt really know what to say. Maybe its just my change in character over the year. And that sux ass. Other than that it was a very nice VERY SHORT trip that felt like nothing ever happened Lov,mono

[monobrowlis]

FLYING BY + STAYIN’ INSPIRED

2/1/2016

I haven’t been posting here much because there’s not really much to talk about these days. Things have already settled and it’s going by slowly. Chinese New year is really fucking soon which is CRAY but also good because MORE HOLIDAYS!!! That’s comin up....

STAYIN INSPIRED

I start writing books, I start blogs, I start projects, but it’s relly up to me to KEEP doing it!!!! I always say I’m going to continue writing this book, or I’m gonna finish learning that song on the drums, and I get REALLY excited about the idea. But it’s one thing to just say what I’m gonna do, and it’s one thing about actually doing it!!!!

I let things distract me from doing the things I really want to get done. And that can be playing games and just letting precious time pass the fuck by!!! I get inspired by a lot of things everyday, but sometimes i just don’t put my inspiration to work!!!! 

Oh ya! Me and my band auditioned for International Understanding day and didn’t get in. lols we are working on it!!!! 

Lov, mono : ) <3

[monobrowlis]

A daily reminder: Stop believing in a filthy illusion that will only end up destroying you

[monobrowlis]

19/1/16 

LIFE IS REALLY FUCKIN UNPREDICTABLE!!!!!!!!!

And that is a summary of my story today. 

Last night, my nainai (dad’s mom) passed away. It’s been around 6 months since she’s been unresponsive. My dad still had hope even in the middle of it all. He would be excited and always tell us about how she could open her eyes, and look around. His eyes would glitter with happiness and hope. But towards the end, his hope died down. There were multiple times that he and his siblings considered “putting her down” (not the best words I chose to use). Of course my dad really DID NOT want to choose that option and I’m glad he didn’t. 

Now she’s everywhere. And I prefer that somehow. Hopefully now she’s free, without pain, and she can finally cook again : ) Or maybe it’s just an end to her suffering.  

I found out this news when I was at Kumon, my mom called me from Japan. From the first few words she said, “did you hear what happened to your grandmother?” And it couldn’t have been nana because she was living with me. And I don’t know why my brain just didn’t get it, like I NEEDED for mom to say the words to really know the news. Like my brain, couldn’t really believe it and didn’t want to. 

I wasn’t that close to her. Even though I knew her my whole life. I knew her and yeye my whole life, now that I come to think of it. It hurt me because I lost a family member. My dad lost his mother. I thought of the other special people I would someday lose. That this life is not everlasting.

Right now we are living in the moment. Whatever, whoever has the power to lighten the grief my dad is having, please do so. Because he is on a holiday now, because this is unfortunate and because he is hurting when he is suppose to be having a really, really happy time right now. 

I love you nai nai, I’ll see you again one day

[monobrowlis]

A TALK

I am open about my gender. To me, I am no female or male, I am a person. So when someones says I look like a boy, do I take that as an insult? FAK NO!!!! TELL ME MORE!!!! <3 <3 <3 I am open to loving any person at all. I use to care whether I looked like a boy or not when I was younger, I have always been quite feminine up till the age of 12. My brain wandered and it’s better this way for me 

People like David Bowie, Iggy pop, Jarvis cocker and Gerard way really fucking inspire me!!!!!! Who they are, how they are and so on, I fucking love. Okay, this talk is not really going anywhere, it’s just a spur of the moment thing I wanted to share with myself, (since i’m pretty much the only person reading this) Ok! Cya later

[monobrowlis]

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANOTHER DIARY OF HOW MY DAIZE HAVE BEEN GOIN BY!!! 

17/1/16

These few days have been pretty good. I have been feeling good!, of course there are the usual doubts and negative thought pop-ins but I am learning to deal with them slowly. 

Me and him don’t talk as much anymore. There is something going on and I can say it’s mostly my fault it’s the way it is but what can you do. I’ll see what happens in the future. And well, this day has been spent really well, maybe I’ll upload a video of me unboxing my Cry Baby Melanie Martinez lipstick from Lime Crime. That shit is amazing and I might wear it for my cousins bday tomorrow!!!! Fun stuff is happening. I’ve joined Interact Club at school and came up with a few ideas specially when I get to have the class with some really awesome people. Next week saturday we’ll be going to an animal shelter called Cherish Life, another thing I’m really excited about. Basically, this whole week that’s coming up will be fucking filled with a lot of things to do and I’m ready for it. Excited and ready for it! This was just a short thing, I’ll talk to you soon.

Lov, mono