“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she was just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”
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If you're missing someone
Who had to go away
You know they're out there somewhere,
But they simply couldn't stay.
In the quiet of the evening,
As the stars begin to glow,
Their laughter still surrounds you,
In the memories you know.
There's comfort in remembering,
That love can never fade,
Though distance may divide us,
In our hearts, they’ve never strayed.
We are all under the same sky,
Connected by the night,
Looking up at the same moon,
In the soft, embracing light.
So hold them in your thoughts,
As the shadows drift and play,
For those we love are with us,
In each and every way .
11.08.2025
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Respect her even more than you love her, because love alone can still hurt, but respect protects. You can love someone deeply and still break them if you don’t consider how your actions echo through their heart. But when respect is your foundation, you pause before every decision, not out of fear, but out of care. You think of how your words, your choices, your silence, or your absence might make her feel. You choose gentleness over ego, and truth over convenience. Respect keeps love steady when emotions run wild. It’s what makes a woman feel safe, valued, and truly seen, not just loved, but honored. And that, that’s how you build something that lasts.
~ Taken from anonymous source
03.07.2025
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It hurts insane amount of much to see yourself again in the same situation as you used to be before, after getting better for a while…. Depression is, indeed, like cancer, huh?
12.06.2025
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- So, tell me about your dream..
- My dream?
I want to live in a cozy house with big windows that protect me from the world but still let me watch it, and every morning the golden light of sun drips on the curtains and makes me feel warm inside and out.. To stare at the clouds everyday just to remind myself that everything changes and life goes on.. To wake up someday with a heart free of pain, a mind free of worries and eyes free of tears, and to write positive thoughts in my diary instead of writing sad words and depressing feelings.. I want my future home to be filled with books, flowers, plants, fairy-lights, candles and aesthetic vintage things, with my favorite melodies and music playing in the background all day long.. To make a "escape from reality" corner and run to it when things get hard, to have calm days, and quiet nights.. to own a place I can call "Home .. Sweet Home".. To stop thinking about who left me, and forget all the painful memories to start focusing on myself, only myself.. And one day, to look at the night sky with happy eyes and see the stars shining brighter than ever, to feel that warmth in the cold days, covered by my blankets, while listening to the sound of rain.. To work in a job that suits me, to travel to all the countries I wished for my whole life, to see new places and go to many different adventures then, get back to my home and write notes about those exciting moments.. I want the air to smell like a delicate mixture of baking, vanilla and coffee, while I'm reading a book, to sit in the balcony and talk about life, movies, shows and everything with my bestfriend, the moon.. I just want the peace of having my own safe space in this world, to be exactly as I imagine..
- Taken from anonymous source
21.03.2025
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Sadness.
As I mentioned in one of my previous texts, "things don't cause feelings; your thinking about Things does". It's nice to have a set of mind and power of will strong enough, to work on this and actually apply this to your life. However, reality can be pretty different. The years go by, but my condition does not get better, I just push it away as far as possible; sometimes I'm facing some issues, but I cannot really solve them. Yet, here I am, somehow. I feel agonising pain, I feel sadness, anxiety, misery, and at the same time, I'm trying to be cheerful, supportive, strong, motivating for others.... but what about myself? And I wonder, how long? - Maybe forever....
20.06.2024
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And here it comes, my first rejection.
My feelings are extremely mixed, like various kinds of autumn leaves together on the streets and as people step on them, they are either broken, or just squeezed, like my feelings. Should I feel sad and insecure? Should I keep being cheerful and feel confident? What is the right thing to do? I am lost in a forest of million of doors. Million doors in front of me, each of which leads towards new adventures. Which one should I choose? Which door will lead me to successful future and happy ending? I am as lost as never. The biggest flaw in my character is facing the decision-making process. Before I decide for something, it's too late. Will the doors disappear if I wait too much? Usually, the life shows me the exact path to walk on, which leads to an interesting outcome, however now the path is broken, and all I see is fog. Should I risk and step forward without seeing the path and risk falling down the cliff, or should I wait until the "weather" clears out. And I keep asking myself, what is the right thing to do.
And I'm scared.....
16.11.2021
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Things don't cause feelings; your thinking about Things does.
Understanding feelings and emotions and how to self-regulate them is essential for optimal happiness. Things generally do not make you feel as you do, instead, it is our thinking about Things that does. Think angrily and you feel angry. Think sadly and you feel sad. Think pleasingly and you feel pleased. When it comes to emotions, what you think is what you get. Therefore, at the moment and always, the most powerful weapon we have is our mind and in order to achieve permanent happiness, we should learn how to benefit from it. Whenever it feels like the world is falling apart, facing the challenges, keeping calm and being rational is far better than worrying about our problems. We should accept that giving our best is all we can do at the moment to move forward. We know that our emotions come from our thoughts. While we may occasionally have limited control over essential events, we do have ability to decide what we think. By changing our thinking, we can directly influence how we feel.
Many of us think that circumstances around us cause our feelings and emotions. When we think this way, we become situation-bound and lose a lot of control over our feelings and our happiness. Exactly this caused my frequent panic attacks, because I became literally situation-dependent and I let it play with my mind. I should always remember that whatever happens, it will pass at some point, because this is how life works. If I am going through some emotional chaos right now, I know that sooner or later it will fade away, like it always does. And maybe now the cause of my sadness, fear, anticipatory anxiety, panic attacks is the most serious I have ever had in my life - as soon as I learn about safe thinking, I will be fine again. Realizing that my thinking causes my emotions and recognizing that I have the option to change how I look at my life, gives me the opportunity to change and improve how I feel. I should think right and I will feel right, therefore the state of mind is extremely important. My emotions are not fixed reactions to external circumstances; they are caused by my thinking and my beliefs. My thinking and emotions aren't separate things; they are tightly interconnected. The best Thing I can do for myself is being calm and rational, I need to remain ever mindful of my unsafe thinking, since it always places a burden on my well-being. Is that what I want? - NO !
Remember: To feel well, I must first think well!
20.09.2021
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Stuck in the same loop of being a loser. One try after another, imaginary hope, disappointment. It feels like everything I am doing is just not right, because if it's right, after not giving up and trying hard, it should work, right? But it doesn't. This brings me additional depressing thoughts and once again - very strong anticipatory anxiety. Who am I, am I really the person I am right now or am I pretending to be such? Why is it so hard to keep being on a track? Maybe because I am on a wrong path and all the tries keep crashing to let me know that I am doing something wrong and I am being someone wrong?.. Accepting truth is always tough but failing all the time is in no way easier. What is the truth about me? About my choice? I hope I have answers on these questions some time soon.. otherwise? Otherwise I keep failing and if it is too late to change the path, then I'm just done, with my very personal "happy" ending:).
31.08.2021
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Anticipatory anxiety.
It's crazy how much anxious and ignorant one can be at the same time. Ignorant towards the inner chaos that is spreading like cancer.. I am curious, how long a person can be like this, drowning in own thoughts literally like in the middle of the ocean: when you are left without any strength to continue swimming to the shore which is not even visible. You just swim into nowhere, hoping that luck will be there for you, but how long can one hold?! I constantly have to do something in order to avoid extremely turbulent thoughts and as a consequence of them - fear of future. But I am pretty sure that it will hit me really much one day. Exactly on that day I will have inner explosion and probably, burn out. And then what?.. So many "what if"s.......
16.07.2021
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Dear Diary,
Why is everything fine and once something bad happens, even if it is some extremely minor fall down, it feels so heavy?! Why do I sometimes feel lost with illusion of knowing what I am doing and where I belong?! Am I really a lost soul wandering around and trying to believe that I'm doing the right thing?..
Nobody on this planet except me and myself doesn't know that every day before I "easily" fall asleep, I go through a whole chaos of random thoughts, feel completely exhausted and then tired and only after that when I reach pretty quickly the point of extreme tiredness, I transfer myself into the world of dreams. World, in which I do not have to worry about anything and where I do not realize that I need to live, I need to go through all those obstacles in my life and most importantly, where I can be with myself alone and do whatever I want.
What do you see when you close your eyes?
Sincerely,
Me:)
10.07.2021
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And here we go again. Apparently I can't live without feeling completely down anymore. I promise to myself every time that I will figure it out and that the flow of those negative emotions will stop. But sometimes I can't keep the promise and it just hits me so much! My inner self is angry with me, because it believed in me and here I am again.. Sometimes even when I am not alone, I feel so lonely and afraid. Afraid of future so much that it makes me insanely anxious. I lose motivation and just spend days in the bed. And I understand that sometimes I should give myself time and kind of rest, but what if I don't do much anyways? At some point I felt like the future is in my hands, but now it's fading away and I'm losing it. I am so afraid! So afraid of the future even though whatever happens, will still (probably) lead to a beautiful outcome, since life is full of surprises that seem to be bad at that moment but after some time we realize that it happened for some reason and it's just beautiful. I feel so down... I don't even know how I manage to stay calm from outside while inside me there is an on-going storm of emotions. It's like huge ocean waves in which I'm drowning. And even though I know how to swim, these waves are too much for me to handle. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared!!!!!! My heart is beating with an increased frequency when I start to realize that I'm in a fucking ass! I have )9@! .. a )9@! in a huge foreign country. No one ever will be able to support me from my family members. My career is going into nowhere, since the 5-3#8# 5908' turned out to be not like I expected it to be. I am so insanely much uncertain about my future as never..
17.04.2021
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"Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." - Corrie Ten Boom
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“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” Is that true? Maybe all we feel is also a dream. I am walking through the steps of life and realizing every time that I am living a dream. “Hey now, hey now, don’t dream.. it’s over..” Is it over?.. My dream seemed to be everlasting, but from the first quote it follows that it is a dream as well. The only way from the dream seems to be a suicide again. How long can I fight with this feeling? “Hey now, hey now, don’t dream, it’s over...” This says so much... But still, life is interesting enough for the dream to be over, because without the dark, we'd never see the stars, right?...
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When everything seems to work out perfectly. When your life finally seems to be tuned. Suddenly you discover that it is actually completely out of tune and complete mess. You make same mistakes all over and over again. You are helpless, useless, trying not to drown in the ocean’s waves, trying to survive in a storm that is caused by your past mistakes even though you know that one should follow three simple rules. “Firstly, correct a mistake that you made whenever it is possible. Secondly, don't repeat the same mistakes. Thirdly, learn from past mistakes.” How many times should I repeat this to myself to finally not just play this quote in mind but actually to act. Because it’s never too late? BULLSHIT. At exact right time, right moment you should act right, otherwise it can be too late. One should take extra care of time, since it can turn out as follows: “How did it get so late so soon?”
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I feel completely down again.. Again same conclusion: depression is like a cancer.. It may be "treated" with some kind of therapies but only tempopary.. I'm stuck in a cycle. Cycle of being happy and completely insanely down again. And I am crying all the time again. Am I weak? I thought I am strong.. but it was some kind of illusion in order to protect myself and escape from realizing that I am actually definition of weakness. I feel again completely empty and horrible. Yeah, I feel horrible. All people around seem to be so happy and I am lonely as fuck. What the hell is going on with me? Everything seems wrong.. Maybe my life is just a whole mistake. But then: why could not I die when I tried to?.. I feel so bad.. Where is my place? What am I doing? Does anything make sense?..
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Depression.. Once I said that it's like a cancer, if you have it - you suffer from it forever, no matter what. Sometimes it feels like it's over, it's gone and it's burried far in past, but it's just an illusion that you make up in your mind in order to survive, to move on.. Sometimes it feels like it's really over but it needs only a tiny push to be back, it's like your everlasting "friend". One should understand that life is full of surprises and it's impossible and even not interesting to live without any problems; everything in this universe is balanced and even if you feel like everything is fine for a long time - it is not and you should be aware that something bad is there waiting for its turn. We can compare it with matter - antimatter stuff. I'm lost again. Lost in my own self, in my mind that is similar to a black hole, it absorbs everything and doesn't let go of anything. Once something is stuck in my mind, it's never gone. Even if I do my best to pretend that I'm over something, I'm not in real. I'm tired, tired of myself.. tired of escaping all the time and I don't know what to do. I'm so much depressed and I think that one day I'm going to collapse. The only thing at this stage that keeps me in shape and pushes me to not fall apart completely, is a sparkle of happiness inside me. But sometimes it also feels like an illusion, like a dream.. How am I supposed to get over this, how am I supposed to overcome my saddness, to gather all the pieces of strength inside me that are left to not just give up?.. I don't want to let the light inside me to fade away, I should keep fighting - fighting with my other self whom I left in past and who keeps me reminding of 'itself' regularly. I should keep fighting for living and not just being alive.. I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean waves during a strong strong storm....
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