mors-aisa

[mors-aisa]

"Enough." Celestè says, her lips quivering, her voice shaking as she gripped her arm tightly.

"Stop running away, Seeley. Ignoring this won't make it go away." Yarrow answered back, his voice echoing from the other side of the room.

Celestè closed her eyes and for a second, she longed to know, to see the face of the person behind the opaque wall riddled with small holes just enough to make voices pass through. She sighed. This wasn't what she signed up for. Nobody said that it would be this difficult. She shouldn't have let herself. She should have known better, but, it was difficult to keep on fighting. He had been the one to keep her from her own demons for the past three years. Now, he was saying good bye.

"I know that. But at least I won't have to face it. Ignorance is better than knowing that..." She trailed off. She couldn't see what his face looked like nor what he was doing. But she was sure he was sighing and shaking his head. Three years being his conteur had made her attuned with him and his behavior. That didn't help her at all.

"This was inevitable. You knew this right from the start. I was part of this program for a reason. And that reason is this."

"I hate you." She heard him laugh humorlessly. She bit her lip and glared angrily at the glass wall, hoping he could feel the intensity of her gaze. She hoped he could feel her pain.

"That'a good. Hate me some more then. You never should have treated me as a human being, Seeley. It was a mistake." He said, his voice sounding empty, and hollow.

"I-"

"Let me go, Celestè. There's more to life than just these walls and books and me. You have your whole life ahead of you." She snorted at his response. Leaning on the glass wall, she placed a hand on it and felt it absorb her heat. So close, yet so far away.

"I just want you. I want to keep reading to you. I want to keep reading you." He laughed again at her declaration.

"Don't be foolish. When I die, you will move on. Time heals all wounds. You'll forget me. I'll just be another faceless and nameless person in your memory. I'll just be that guy you read to. I'll be dead. You'll be alive. So let me go."

She whimpered lowly and slowly felt her knees wobble. Hearing him say it again was so difficult to deny the fact that by this time tomorrow, he wouldn't be here anymore.

"Don't go. Please." She whispers just loud enough for him to hear her. Pressing her ears to the wall, she heard him move his chair, then footsteps away from her. She blinked. He was leaving her. Cursing loudly, she banged on the wall and called out his name. She wasn't done yet. She had so many words to say to him still.

"Yarrow! Yarrow?! Please... Please don't go..."

[mors-aisa]

She stood there, watching people pass by. Some were alone, some were in groups, and some were a couple. She weaved her way towards the crowd, her presence unnoticed. Her eyes misted as she saw him, standing from a distance. He kept looking at his watch, and then at the people passing by. She drew nearer, her eyes trying to catch his line of sight to no avail. She silently made her way towards the spot he was standing on. She stood up beside him, turning around, admiring his face, his chiseled jaw, his perfectly set nose, his beautiful green eyes, and his soft lips. Oh how she longed to catch his eyes, and see that shimmer it held. She lifted her hands to touch him, but thought against it. She sighed. He sighed and looked at his watch again before walking away. She tried to run after him, screaming with no voice coming out. She ran, and ran, and went through him. Like cold water poured down on her, she stopped and looked at herself, tears starting to form yet not falling. She was still dead.

[mors-aisa]

Polaris.

[mors-aisa]

The looming feeling of disaster  —   as if today is merely the calm of the storm  — is truly devastating. It's as if I am choking on air, and there is a monster trying to claw itself out of my body, through my mouth. The sound of the world is magnified. Even my own heartbeat sounds louder than it actually is, and each beat I feel is synchronized to the thudding sound I hear in my head.

I wonder, sometimes, what it feels like to not have a day when I feel like a complete and utter wreck, barely held together at the seams, by paper thin threads that threaten to snap over and leave me suffocating upon the massive avalanche of feelings, thoughts, and darkness that refuses to separate from my being. More often than not, I find myself lying on my bed — or on anything, actually — and I am dragged down by phantoms and ghosts into a quagmire of rotting dreams and hopes. 

[mors-aisa]

Words have never failed me

Yet words it is that we are lacking

From the very beginning

Until this moment in time

It seems like  between us

There are thousands words left unsaid

My words within are aplenty

Yet the words I speak out are paltry

Leaving more questions than answers

Letting silence ferment loudly

Speech muted and silenced

Whispers left to rot in the void