mother-first

[mother-first]

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.”

— Ralph Nichols

[mother-first]

Lost girl~

Hey lost girl, your eyes are a little glossy ~ like the dew in the morning grass when your eyes finally close for the first time that night. Your shoulders look alittle heavy ~ from carrying the weight of the world wandering to find a resting place. You left the home you knew to find a deeper purpose, hold on a little longer you’re almost there. Your feet look a little warn, from running every time they almost tame you. Your wings look ready ~ go soar now babygirl. Watch all the world happening beneath you, take a deep breath ~ you can finally go. You wanted the pictures, but never the frame. A lasting impression, then you’re on your way. Maybe a memory will last a lifetime ~ go be free, you only made it to half time.

[mother-first]

Deja vu~

And just like that I’m back convulsing on the bathroom floor. Your lips on my body, and your eyes on someone else. If I could rip my skin off and give it to you as a souvenir, I would. And you’d take it. You’d set it on your nightstand where it would collect dust. But you’d keep it for the simple fact that it couldn’t be given to anyone else. But you, you’d keep yours. You’d keep it for an offering, and they’d take it up for you. I’m praying the Lord will grow me new skin. But unfortunately, it won’t be a set you haven’t touched. You say I’m yours, say it’s love. But why’s what you’re throwing mud? Alone, beaten, scared. I want to run, but all I can see is stairs. No way out. I’m boxed in. Standing on the outside, looking in. Praying this is all just a dream, somewhere in my mind you still exist. I’m searching all around to find you. When all along I should’ve stood on what I knew. I have no one to blame this time but me. I saw it all and chose not to see. Go on now old girl, you’re free. I won’t for another day try to confine you to be what I thought you always wanted to be.

[mother-first]

I no longer desire to fall in love. I don’t even know that love was ever what I fell into. I fell into anxiety every time those late night texts would come through on their phone. I fell into despair when they would pull me apart piece by piece. I fell into brokenness when I no longer had anything left to give. When love comes around this time, I hope it walks in. I can’t afford to fall, not another time. I hope gentleness walks in and glues every eggshell I’ve been walking on back together. I hope patience walks in and diminishes all the overwhelming pressure that’s been stacked on my shoulders. I hope kindness walks in the door and speaks life over every part of me that was spoken down on. I hope love finds me again, but this time I want it to walk in.

[mother-first]

All I know is liars. The sweet overwhelm of a love bomb to calm my nervous system before you tear me apart once again with your betrayals. Maybe that’s why I lied. I made myself believe your love was unmatched. When in reality it was just a match. It lit my heart on fire over and over again. Burnt my self esteem, destroyed my self worth, and had me feeding off the ashes you fed me. As I look in the broken mirror I see the beautiful pieces of the masterpiece you should have cared for. The beautiful part of this ending is that I get to love me now. And I don’t have to choose when I love me. I don’t get to play both sides of the fence. I get to embrace every part of who I am. And my favorite part is you won’t be around to see the finished product.

[mother-first]

“I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad, I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy, I don’t smile, I glow. When I am angry, I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes, is when I love, I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing, cause they always tend to leave and you should see me, when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

[mother-first]

#me at any given moment BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (2013 - 2021)

[mother-first]

Someone said, “The reason you isolate when you’re struggling is because you were left alone as a child to deal with your emotions” and I felt that.

[mother-first]

“you’re so distant now” you made me feel unwanted so i fell back

[mother-first]

Let it hurt, then let it heal.

[mother-first]

I'm learning so much about myself.

It's liberating.

I'm recognizing my desires.

And the absolutes of what I don't want.

I've lost so much, too much.

But I'm rewriting my story.

Because you wanted space and didn't desire to do this part of life together..

I lost my partner.

I was forced to face all of this alone.

I didn't ask for it.

I would've never done that to you.

I believed we were the definition of for better or for worst.

But I've learned so much through the betrayal.

I was created to be a lover.

I was built to stand by whoever I'm with, through whatever may come.

I'm a constant.

I'm a beautiful disaster.

I'm electric.

Life with me looks like laughter.

It looks like slow dancing in the kitchen.

It looks like passionate kisses against the kitchen door.

It looks like body rubs and laying in my lap.

It looks like everything somebody has ever wanted.

It looks like a beautiful memory you'll cherish the rest of your life.

[mother-first]

I heard your voice again.

It felt like no time had ever passed.

It seems like everytime we talk everything comes full circle, once again.

You've carried the postcards of my life for so long now.

The shackles of abuse always kept us bound to our atmosphere.

Though you've always dreamed of any other environment.

When rough waters came again.

You'd dial my number.

And for a moment, the storm seamed to ease.

You've kept it as a memory, you revisit when things seem too much.

And frustration finds us both when we know how much time we lived in the dust.

What would've been spared had we of ran the first chance we had?

Our babies are worth every night of torment.

But it's time now, choose to be free.

[mother-first]

I feel like I'm being punished for being persistent.

And even when I listen to you and shift, I still lose.

You're hot than your cold.

We are communicating one minute.

Then you vanish the next.

You said you still wanted to be my friend.

I don't know what to even expect.

I'm left on read more and more.

Though that was always the thing you never stood for.

It seems whatever I do is wrong.

I really have no clue how everything is suddenly gone.

[mother-first]

My love shouldn't be that weight around your neck that makes you feel like you can't breathe.

It should be what you run into to finally feel free.

Rest should find you when you lie next to me.

Because regardless of whats going on when you wake up you know where I'll be.

I don't know where you are.

Or if you still exist.

But I'm missing my friend above all of this.

[mother-first]

I think what hurts me most is that my kids have to lose.

Just because I wasn't the one you choose.

They don't understand how you were a daily constant in their lives.

To now scattered phone calls and me drying their eyes.

You had the family and the plate at the table.

I was too late and you were scared of the label.

I'm moving on and wishing you all that your heart desires.

This next love won't leave us, that's all I require.

[mother-first]

There's a new wind blowing.

It's oddly familiar.

As if it's always been there.

It's reaffirming everything I couldn't bear to see.

Yet helping me to really love me.

Maybe I'm not as broken as I once thought.

Everything this life has thrown at me has just been a lot.

I've loved hard. And I've lost even harder.

Yet I feel hope finding me again.

I'm reminded that happily ever after isn't too much to ask for.

One person who loves you right is more than enough.

As you match me, there's not one thing that can stop us.

My kids deserve a love that chooses them daily.

I've fallen short so much lately.

But I am really beginning to adore myself once again.

I love in such a beautiful way, I cherish that about myself.

I may not be the one they end up with, but I'm always the one they never forget.

Even in my brokenness, I always put others first.

And for once in my life, I know I am worth it.

[mother-first]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you got the broken pieces of me.

I wish you could have gotten any other version of me.

I hope one day you no longer hurt from things I unintentionally did.

I sometimes wish we could just start again.

But I'm just grateful to still call you my friend.