mrsfezziwig

[mrsfezziwig]

Dear Stray Kids: Bang Chan

As part of the cheer up week for our lost children, I want to write to each, starting with our glorious leader.

𝒟ℯ𝒶𝓇 ℬ𝒶𝓃ℊ 𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓃,

Young man, do you know that you don't need to be so humble? I wish you could see yourself the way that Stay does because it hurts that you don't believe you deserve all the love, awards, and commendations you have! For a long time, I have wanted to tell you that you need to let yourself shine! We all know you went through hell during training, that you may have considered ending your life, and that the Stray Kids members saved you. Watching you go through the loss of a member was painful even though I was not there to see it first hand and I hate that you apologised for something out of your control. JYPE is wrong to do that to you and we know that you must have been traumatised by it. We love that you would see us weekly like our therapist and obviously we miss you being part of our weekly routine but honestly, more STAYs get why it was necessary than it may seem. Some of your comments about yourself really broke us, because it was clear you truly don't see the absolute pureness that lives inside you. Before I never believed in Star Children, those sent by the universe to bring light and peace to as many lost souls as they can but now I absolutely do because you are one. Please make time to nurture your own mental well-being because even the strongest break eventually and, I can't lie, after Moonbin died and you said you couldn't eat or sleep I thought we would lose you to the Hell that South Korea can be too.

For some reason, you don't let yourself bask in the fact that you did it—you survived it, you became everything you dreamed of and more. You were tenacious and full of sheer will to make it, so please don't let your love for the other members stop you from letting your light shine. Give yourself more lines and more centre time because you earned it, and Stay wants to see your bright soul and smile more than your abs. Not that we are complaining, but I think most Stay would agree. Hearing your voice and seeing you dance is far more valuable. We want to see you relax and let loose as the idol you should be rather than hiding your light under a bushel.

'Genius' is an adjective I will forever link to you, because it was your raw emotional intelligence that saw how the members would fit together so perfectly. Not only that but your ability to find beats out of nowhere just shows that music is your purpose for being here. I love watching the recording behind-the-scenes videos just to see how, even when exhausted, you glow and laugh, proving your soul was crafted for music. Somehow you take the most everyday noises and mould them like clay to satisfy the ears and if anyone says you guys are 'just' noise music then they haven't even bothered to listen to your songs.

For many of us, Stray Kids make those hard days easier and help us handle the times we want to disappear. Thank you for being a leader who is steadfast and immovable, bringing so much joy to people all over the world. Just by being the respectful, kind, honest, and down-to-earth man you are, you show your younger fans what a real man is, who deserves their love and who does not. Some people say you are the reason for demanding such high standards in their relationships, and for me, as someone old enough to be your mother, I am relieved knowing that someone is teaching today's teens what is right and what to demand from someone.

Stay love you so much, and as a fandom, we want you to get some sleep! Please take a break and some time to absorb the past 7 years and rest. Honestly, if we received a statement that you were taking a couple of months off or maybe even a full hiatus, we would probably rejoice because your health is so important to us! It’s true that you are nearing 30, and if you don’t take the time to decompress while pushing yourself so hard, it will affect your long-term health! Rather than another album, we want to see you chilling for a bit, shaking off all the stress of the nonstop comebacks and touring. We’d prefer longevity over more music; you’ve been pushing for 14 years. Letting go a little isn’t illegal, and we all want a healthy, happy, fulfilled Christopher Bang over Bang Chan the idol.

Love yourself as much as we do, and we will never have to worry about the mistakes and the fear that you will burn out. You are human, so being self-critical is normal; however, it's obvious that the pressure of your trainee years has made you terrified to stop working. You never, ever, ever, EVER have to worry about whether you are doing enough, working hard enough, or putting on the best performance because your humanity is what we love most. Even bleary-eyed and with your hair sticking up everywhere, you are perfect in our eyes. So, take a break, for fuck's sake, we aren't going anywhere at all! And when you make it back refreshed, hop on a live so we can see your face and chat a bit. No matter what the future brings for you, keep that child-like love for the world that you have and we will smile indulgently at you all the while. It is obvious that that is the genuine you, not the forced persona of so many idols. That you are universally loved by kpop stans, not just STAY, speaks volumes about your authenticity and humble nature which is something I have only ever seen for you.

On that note, I shall go now. I pray you finally accept just what an unstoppable force you are, that the kids accept your hugs and there is never another pineapple in your burger!

With love from

𝒜 𝒮𝓉𝒶𝓎

[mrsfezziwig]

Why ATEEZ Don't Win Awards Pt. 2 - Complexity?

In part one of this opinion piece at the end of 2023, I mentioned how the agency weaves the lore into every single music video, and how this is not helping the boys when it comes to awards season. I apologize for the delay; unfortunately, I struggled with how to approach this part, so I decided to compare it to the post-2024 awards season.

In a question I received and briefly answered, the point came up about how Stray Kids have the might of JYPE behind them, and I actually mentioned it in my comparison in part one already. Yes, they have the financial support that ATEEZ doesn't have, and I am jaded enough to acknowledge that this advantage helps them. However, I am not so jaded as to cynically write it off as the only reason.

It's high time ATEEZ receives the recognition they deserve for their attention grabbing performances and the incredible cinematography of their music videos during award season. Yet, that hasn’t happened... again and I still believe part of the blame lies with KQ. Following the significant reaction from 'locals' who saw their Coachella performance, it’s insane that these immensely gifted artists haven't garnered more 'official' recognition!

In the wake of the Coachella victory, are you really claiming that LE SSERAFIM were superior?

As I said in Part One, one of the things I found difficult to get past was the complexity of the ATEEZ universe and the incessant pushing of it by the agency and now I have to wonder how those non-kpop fans reacted when they discovered a group with such good music has a storyline as complex as Inception's plot (as in the film). Do ATINYs really think the majority of those people will be interested after discovering that everything has to do with a bigger overarching lore as complex as ATEEZ has?

WORK vs Ice On My Teeth

With the culmination of the Universe Z storyline, we all waited with bated breath for what we would be handed next, and absolutely no one had Seonghwa hatching from a golden egg and taking a ride on an ostrich on their 2024 bingo card. It was crazy ATEEZ, Mingki Wonka, and a buried Jongho playing a flute over a clarinet melody line. Everything about it was odd, from the lyrics to the outfits to the choreography, and it felt like a post-Coachella fever dream. It made its point well, stating that they were on top of the world and how hard they worked to get there, something more akin to The Real, which, as far as I've been able to gather, was one of their rare 'off the story' MVs designed to accompany the new influx of fans off the back of Kingdom. But it was still part of the storyline at the end of the day!

Who knew Travis Kelce Knew ATEEZ?

Coachella will forever be one of ATEEZ's defining moments, opening doors never before imagined and seeing some of the world's biggest names not only using the song but also participating in the TikTok challenges.. Or are we calling them YouTube Short Challenges now the government ruined the fun for our American compatriots? However, it turns out that this bundle of fun and chaos is actually quite depressing and still part of the universe. 🙄 The boys are so busy working to earn money to make their dreams come true that they are separating from one another due to packed schedules. It kind of makes sense, as not many scenes show all eight members together.

Rather than taking advantage of the Coachella hype and leaving the story behind for one song so the newbies could get to know the members better, KQ decided to continue with the Universe and Storyline agenda.

Honestly, the WORK video could have been a fantastic opportunity to showcase each member by putting their names and a really funny "introducing ATEEZ" biography based on fan edits to grab attention and keep it. Hopefully, ATINYs know the one I mean; it’s the one with Hongjoong listed as "Tired Dad of 5 Kids & 1 Demon," etc. I could go looking for a link... here we are:

Now tell me that doesn't fit the WORK video; I dare you. Just bear in mind that I am menopausal and having a bad pain day without any oxycodone because I forgot to reorder it before commenting something dumb... like I am wrong.

But they made Ice On My Teeth the 'non-universe' video instead!

If anyone asked me which of the two MVs we got in 2024 was the one outside of the storyline, I would have chosen 'WORK' every time. 'Ice On My Teeth' has the feel of being an introduction to the next universe the boys have landed in, becoming the pirates they always were in the form of a kind of mafia unit. Their success comes from dark places, especially as the dentist is literally murdered for ripping them off.

(But we also got that Yunho and confirmation from Mingi that he knows what we say about the recoil in his backside...)

Still, I am now veering towards the entire Asian award system actively ignoring ATEEZ.

Why? Oh. It's because of us; ATEEZ is predominantly preferred by international K-pop fans, therefore they don't deserve to be rewarded by Asian-centric award shows.

Is that a horrifying thought? Yes, but it's also probably true because Koreans can be quite xenophobic. It upsets me to say that, but if you find videos of street interviewers asking outsiders about living in Korea, the majority start out with how racist and xenophobic Korean people can be.

Seunghan's situation shows this horrifying truth in high relief.

There were battle lines drawn between Korean and other Asian fans, primarily Chinese, in the form of funeral wreaths and protest vans. For the first time, we really saw how international K-pop fans realised they had strength in numbers, rallying around a young man who did nothing wrong: a teenager experimenting with love, sex, and nicotine. [I mention sex because there were references to some more... spicy... pictures than the topless ones that were leaked] The absolute hypocrisy of South Korean society shone bright, and we weren't taking that.

{In an important aside, I want to mention that people say we keep failing to protect idols, including Seunghan, because he was still kept out of RIIZE. However, in his case, I will happily die on the hill that we kept this young man alive. No one could handle the mental battering of seeing funeral wreaths with your name on them just because you had something that those knetz who paid for them probably have too – lovers.} Note— using 'lovers' is intended to be inclusive of the many variations of partnerships that exist.

As much as ATEEZ are listed as performance monsters, acknowledged and loved by industry insiders, choreographers, idols and music show staff, we don't buy the products that subsidise the actual shows. Sickening but reality. Money matters and I am too old and too tired to pretend that in some cases those awards were purchased. I have no intention to hate but can we be for fucking real here— there's NO FUCKING WAY that LE SSERAFIM out performed Stray Kids, let alone ATEEZ! (No, I am not saying this actually happened, I am just pointing out how it makes zero sense to choose them over so many better groups in terms of stage performance!)

Stray Kids were chosen to be the 'boy band' representative group at the VMAs... oh, but that's American again, I literally just realized that as I typed it out. I told you my mind's a bit all over the place!

In conclusion:

There are multiple reasons why ATEEZ doesn't win awards:

Let these men write their own music for the love of God. Edenary must have dirt on someone high up because they aren't some kind of Heaven sent miracle team! This will make the sound more authentic and open them up for a whole host of additional categories of awards.

ATEEZ need more input in every aspect of their work. They aren't newbies, they aren't children who can't be trusted! Give them ALL the freedom to connect with ATINYs emotionally by letting them write what they want us to hear.

Focusing on the storyline meant KQ lost the best chance they ever had to attract more attention from new fans after Coachella. Ultimately, this resulted in the loss of a high point that could have been maintained throughout the year and increased the likelihood that award show committees would take ATEEZ seriously.

The fact ATINYs are predominantly Western makes it pointless in the eyes of Asian award shows to reward them, as their sponsors won't make money off products only available in their market.

We aren't making enough noise to force them to take ATEEZ more seriously. We all know that ATINYs are fucking freaks, but we are also a laid-back, kind fandom; it's not in our nature to be cruel and forceful. We all know it's within us, though, and it would take something significant for us to become the kind of twisted, snarling wolves we are inside to protect our boys. We are a pack that should not be crossed; we've just not been tested yet.

Thank you for a fantastic 2024 to ATEEZ! We got our first daesang for them and hopefully it's the first one of many! And thank you for the love you have shown me on part one of this opinion piece. Let's make 2025 even better!

[mrsfezziwig]

Confessions of a K-pop Fanfic Reader (part one)

So you are right there, you've heard the first few chords, vocals, rap and beat of a song and after capturing it with Shazam, you read the name of the song except... you can't.... because it's in Hangul; that's K-pop right? And disbelief with disappointment burrows and worms into your psyche. You only listen to English language music as there's no point in hearing something you don't understand, if you wanted something that had lyrics you didn't understand you'd listen to Gregorian chant songs. Still, you feel the need to find the rest of the track but something inside you lurches because K-pop is innocent, childish, nothing but ridiculous Crayon Pop bright colours and T-ARA's "bo-peep, bo-peep, bo-peep, bo..." or the unexpectedly self aware and satirical Gangnam Style (although you haven't necessarily read the translated lyrics yet).

You can't possibly be considering taking the 'genre' seriously? But, those infectious few English lines are stuck in your damn brain and you can't stand the not knowing anymore, so you sneak away to the toilet or claim to be doing some extra work so your discomfort at the possibility of someone seeing and mocking you for it is minimised as much as you can. Hell, you watch porn more openly than this but you still open the Shazam you made a few days or weeks before, knowing you are one click or finger tap away from being completely ridiculed by your friends or family or both for being even willing to consider taking actual time out of your life for K-pop.... But with a deep breath you plunge in, probably with a Stray Kids, BTS or Ateez song and suddenly you are breathless because although you don't understand everything being said, you are completely blown away at the MV quality, which is better than some Western movies in terms of storytelling and editing. Unbeknownst to you the artworks that this small Asian country creates come ready made with the captions in English, plus a few other languages yet it's probably for the best you don't know that because the simple quality of the video takes your breath away.

Wait up though... these people can't possibly be human! How do they all look so fucking good? And how old are they? They look like fresh-faced mid-teens only they can all sing and dance? Oh, but HOLY SHIT CAN THEY RAP-RAP! [Looking at you Rapracha]. It is just impossible that these humans not only exist but most of them dance hardcore choreo whilst singing live too. Nah, nah, nah... it's all bullshit. AI is so fucking good now that these people aren't real.

That's pretty much how discovering K-pop didn't happen for me, an adult old enough to have student debt until I die, who will never own a home because fuck you baby boomers, and finds children to be more like crotch goblins designed to test every last one of the few nerves in my battered self that aren't fucked up by my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

My introduction was truly bizarre; I was married for 20 years - before my husband decided my disability meant he had free reign to fuck anyone who wanted him as I couldn't do it anymore - and my now ex-husband's co-worker had a daughter who wrote fanfics. Now, I was horribly, horribly naïve and rather dumb when I agreed to be a reader, editor and kind of coach for this girl. Not once in my entire life had 'fan fiction' come up in my bubble, I went into the whole endeavour genuinely believing that Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook were Wattpad characters, not real people.

I thought they were like how Reddit has it's 'marriage counselling' and 'divorce' thing that everyone knows is said on that social media platform, or that Facebook has it's passive aggressive posts bitching about something, the baby daddy/mama drama fueled by said posts, the vague sympathy grabbing status updates and fake news, or X's hate trains. Having never heard of BTS (and by having done no googling beforehand) I went into it as if these weren't real people. To say the writing was atrocious from this teen was an understatement, and I was honest about it, figuring you don't ask someone for feedback if you don't want criticism. If all you wanted was read counts, votes and comments, I could have done that multiple times a day to boost you, which it turns out was pretty much exactly what she was really wanting.

Soon though, I was reading other books from the ones recommended at the end of my current read and it staggered me just how fucking good these books were. Some of them desperately deserve to be published in the conventional way with their highly detailed and provoking writing that I still return to time and time again. However, one glaring detail eventually stood out to me as I lay in a hospital bed with IV antibiotics in one arm and opioid IV in the other, having very, very little of importance to ponder, and one thing that stood out all of a sudden, and I couldn't avoid anymore, was how no one described the characters in terms of look and age; it was as if the writer assumed everyone reading knew what they looked like already...

Now my fucking dumbass was still thinking these were 'Wattpad characters', thus there would be a master document on the app with these details, right? Please bear in mind it had been a year or more that I had been living in the misconception fog thinking these weren't real people at that point, so a master list of characters to choose from simply made sense to me.

Yep, I am kind of stupid for assuming, and yep, I trawled the Wattpad help pages for far too many hours looking for this document or link to one, which admittedly gave me something to focus on as the cocktail of pharmaceuticals made me feel nauseous and also rather high. Am I just too trusting and gullible or can anyone else see my flawed logic here?

As it began to niggle more, seeing the references to South Korea (with the incredibly amusing American way of behaving ascribed to the country that was worlds different to the USA), with Seoul, Busan and Daegu all mentioned my singular lonely brain cell bounced around my skull sparking something off in there. That's when it dawned on me this could be a kpop thing and I finally googled the most common name from the stories, Jungkook, and felt like a bucket of ice water was tipped over my head as I realised that these people were real. Yeah, yikes 😬💀

It distressed me that I had been so blasé as to read these pieces without questioning the similarities. I was even considering becoming a co-writer for the first girl until that moment. Some of this can be explained by my condition during 2018 to 2019, with multiple hospital admissions due to infections or injuries from the Ehler-Danlos Syndrome. One of the infections almost killed me because it was missed for too long and had moved into early stage sepsis. There was no way I could focus on my normal book fare of Charles Dickens and thick, detailed history books and, being truly, truly frank, Wattpad saved my fucking sanity over those two daunting and harrowing years, never demanding more than my mind could handle with all the drugs being pushed into my system.

Plus there were hundreds of thousands of stories to pick from that weren't even Fanfic, about real people or other author's characters. Although I was careful as I was passionately determined to avoid anything that I would consider debauched and invasive, the mature content option was firmly turned off, and the first sign of smut had me gone! A few kisses or implied sexual conduct squeezed through but not full smut. Hello repressed religious trauma!. The amount of stories that were not flagged as Mature Content pissed me off then and pisses me off still.

Once the shock of finding out the truth was easing a little, I decided I needed to actually watch some BTS music videos to try and understand the craziness of it all. What I never expected was just how deep the songs were and are, nor how intellectual the entire industry is because who the fuck else is making music videos based around novels like Demian in the West?

I didn't realise in addition that not only Korean would sneak its way into my brain but that the whole idol industry is interwoven with its own language. This answered many questions I had about the common jargon such as comeback, lore, promotions, era, main, lead, sub, bias, bias wrecker/s, OT#, Big4, ult, PC (photo card), fan meets, Naver, Weverse, V-Live (rip to the GOAT), Chan's Room [*sniff* Baby, you aren't in any trouble, okay? Please just come home, we all miss you and love you, please, please come back!], 1/2/3/4th Gen, and more my messed up brain can't recall so late at night and after the various narcotics that I take to function.

And those narcotics are saying no more today!

So I shall see you in part two!

[mrsfezziwig]

Sorry I haven't managed to post part 2 of my Ateez opinion yet, but I am struggling with my Ehler-Danlos Syndrome flaring up. I have begun to write it, but I have to take it slow (I dislocated a thumb and can't type very fast or accurately)and damn voice typing can't handle kpop!

Accept an apology 'Cat-Nap' selfie of my 18 y/o ball of attitude, claws and sass! I am thinking of nicknaming him Wooyoung... 😊🤣

[mrsfezziwig]

ateez is far from the first group to have music videos that tell a story. stray kids also have had music videos that tell stories, such as maniac which had a running story from teasers to the music video, so comparing the two groups in that regard is nonsense. furthermore the storyline is a big reason why so many people gravitate towards ateez. if they cut the storyline from music videos, they wouldn't be ateez anymore. heavy story is part of what makes ateez ateez. anyway, people don't watch ateez music videos because they don't know ateez exists, and they don't know ateez exists because the music show producers and award show organizers get more money by promoting the bigger groups. kpop fundamentally hates the underdog. that's it.

Oh, my problem isn't the storyline in and of itself, it's the fact that the storyline is so prominent it's bigger than the music in many ways. It's easily argued that the industry doesn't like an underdog, I can see that, but we are in the world of post-BTS success, where it's much easier to be recognised by award shows. My point is something like imagine Mist had been a title track, or Star 1117 say, or even The Ring; all of those are the songs that are immensely popular with Atiny and connect on a deeper level due to their focus on the members using their own emotions. The Ring literally quotes JRR Tolkien so that's another piece of clever songwriting. But I am in the middle of laying out what I mean in part two, which hopefully will be out tomorrow (2nd January 2024)

[mrsfezziwig]

KQ - The Reason Ateez Don't Win Awards: (Pt 1)

n.b.(Good God I am actually scared of what reaction this may get from other Atiny but I feel like it is something I really need to address!)

Ateez are incredible;

as humans, as a group, as vocalists and as rappers, but their stand out ability comes in the way they perform and dance. I have never seen a group like these eight men when it comes to their star power; all of them could probably be in The Demon Line now they have matured, especially Yunho, who feels more relaxed on stage, more intense and he is most definitely not holding himself back anymore (That YunGi clothes grab in the Wonderland tour version, anyone? This Mrs Fezziwig was fanning herself like a Georgian Regency lady with a hand fan and blaming it on her age - hot flushes, you know... Oof! ). But anyone with a braincell can look at the lack of acknowledgement of their talents in terms of end of year award show nominations and wonder what the hell is going on?! It is incredibly irritating when people who deserve to have their hard work and talents celebrated are passed over again and again.

Now, this is where I just know I am going to be side-eyed, possibly bombastically, because I need to make comparisons in order to make my points as this is only about my opinion, and things I see other Atiny discussing on socials. In addition everyone knows how close the members of these two groups are as friends, hence why I am risking my sanity to say it:

The Comparison - Stray Kids

What makes Stray Kids so well awarded isn't just their agency, which has absolutely helped, with their money, organisation and longevity in the idol industry, but there's also the fact that they have practically carte blanche when it comes to the music they make. No body on this good, green Earth can ignore the sheer genius that is 3RACHA and their most common 'making-tweaks-for-perfection collaborator', Versachoi, when it comes to their abilities to write, compose and produce their songs.

Every emotion in the human pantheon of feeling is out there in a song available for fans to discover from their catalogue. Their forte is the musical freedom all the members contribute to the group.

SKZ hits harder because they are performing their own emotion out in song and dance, having three geniuses in one group is fated, no one can ever tell me otherwise... However, Ateez doesn't have that extra layer of connection even though the boys are still insanely versatile and make it work.

That's not the fault of the members, BBTrippin or even on some level the collective Edenary, they're all being told the same thing by the agency. It lies in the fact that those at the top want it to be this way.

I don't say this as a diss against Edenary, and I have yet to find a skip song on their albums. It is all impactful, musically, there is nothing but hit after hit on those but the lyrics just aren't up to par. Guerilla was about a fictional revolution, Halazia was about a fictional revolution from the outsider perspective, Bouncy was about an, um... fictional revolution and Crazy For-... Yeah, I am going to stop here.

KQ CEO-nim, I respectfully say:

Holy Fuck... Drop the fucking storyline into the b-side! Yep, you heard me right - Drop. The. Fucking. Storyline. From. The. Title. Tracks! Plllleeeeaaaaasssseee?

I am pretty sure all the inhabitants of Dimensions A and Z, and how ever many other of these buggers are hiding in the mind of the planners, shall collectively gasp dramatically 'Blasphemy!'

What a cardinal sin to suggest such a thing!!! Pre-debut Atiny are clutching their pearls and Diary Version albums as I speak such foul utterances, wondering how I could possibly have the very cheek of it to say such a thing! Do you think the boys will be proud of the dramatic delivery here? 😂

Yes, there are some moving and heart-wrenching b-sides on Ateez albums that are ignored for the scale of interdimensional time Pirates, which makes it increasingly, painfully obvious that those emotions are rare in their title tracks. So, I will make the point I've been moving up to with the comparison:

KQ need to let loose the reins

I first encountered Ateez in my initial journey with kpop in 2021 and I was in my 'BTS got me hooked, Stray Kids toppled them with Hellevator from my focus, and Ateez seems interesting...' era

Being 38 I felt kinda like some sort of sicko for finding guys I could have birthed attractive and I still have twinges of this feeling occasionally. Thankfully, none of the 5th Gen children are anything other than cute little babies to me, ones that I want to tut at, throwing appropriate clothing their way and ground them for going out in such tiny skirts and dresses. As you can imagine, finding Deja Vu as my first Ateez song sent me screeching dramatically away from the group, hands flapping and looking for a man my age to hide behind [thank you, Rain; you were extremely helpful during my mid-life-ish crisis].

So I continued on my way along up the endurance hike that is the Stray Kids path, again feeling slightly creeped out at myself for buying Oddinary, but also in absolute awe at the music these eight guys made. I still don't have a fucking clue what their storyline is, although it is coming more into focus thanks to the most recent SKZFLIX but that's kinda positive as it allows for their flexibility in terms of what they say and how it's performed and perceived.

At the core, I like their lyrical content better than Ateez, purely due to the fact it's visceral in its emotional impact. With a leader like Bang Chan, I haven't been surprised to find so many amazing fans out there too. Older STAYs I chat with on Discord have been my rock and support as I admitted my feelings of discomfort at the age thing and we figured out it was my STBX husband and his reaction to my new found hobby and likes that left me feeling so icky.

With their help, I finally got the courage up to accept that we were done after 20 years and I haven't missed him except for one occasion [I was facing a general anaesthetic to have a massive abscess on my jaw drained, all alone in a hospital about an hour from home with nobody at all to hold my hand] since he left in March. Every time I faced a backwards step emotionally because of my Ehler-Danlos Syndrome and my limitations, they were there to check on me.

This community is what makes Kpop the best rabbit hole I ever plunged into - stay away from Twitter (No, Elon, it isn't called 'X', it's called Twitter!) and the fans are such magnificently, genuine hearted people who just get me! For the first time in my life my sense of humour wasn't misinterpreted and rather slotted into place like this was where I was meant to be all along. When I found this tribe I was so lonely it was frightful, and it's only by being who I am today with their love and support I can look back at that version of myself and cry for her desperation and black-fog draped soul.

99% of the people in that chat are actually StayTiny, and they were discussing Halazia, insisting I really need to watch the MV. So I did, and as thankful I am for BTS getting me into Kpop and Stray Kids for finding me at my lowest then giving me my coping song in Voices, Ateez overtook them all in one MV. There is something about these guys that I connected with. That began my twisted path in April 2023 in learning names, songs and personality types that lead me to December and the drop of Crazy Form. Yet they may now be my Ult group, Stray Kids are my foundation in the world of idols. And no, I still can't handle Deja Vu no matter how many times I have tried to make it happen. So far I can get to the end of Yunho's opening but I can't take San with that haircut and eyebrows without cringing and backing out, which means I've progressed beyond the sexual feel of the song and am now firmly entrenched in 'Second-hand Embarrassment Station'.

Ateez could be much bigger if...

Despite the connection I found with these seven crackheads plus Jongho, instantly was thrown off by the incessant focus on the story of Ateez and dimension hopping, wondering where they were, as in where were the personal stories; the freedom of expression and grounding focus of reliving your experience in music?

If the story came in the form of a novel, I would be pre-ordering that shit off Amazon faster than I pre-order SKZ and Ateez albums. And I am not alone in this sentiment. After five years in the industry, these guys aren't newbies, they have the experience to handle the responsibilities of writing their own songs with guidance from Edenary and creating their own choreo alongside BBTrippin.

Hearing how the agency weaves the lore into every single MV and title track, I felt angry. I still am and am likely to always be, because if they let up and allowed the boys to display their joy, sorrow, happiness and agony in their songs and choreo, Ateez would be even greater, they'd be a force to be reckoned with particularly in the international market where they just work already. This is where BTS and Stray Kids have Ateez beat.

international fans have come to expect that the music is written and produced by the members of a group. Sure this could be argued as being a side effect of BTS getting so big, it's also a factor no one should discount.

Now, I shall move onto the part I love most: 'saying shit 'people who don't have a genetic pain disorder and who still have two flying fucks to give' won't...

The agency is responsible for the lack of mainstream recognition in terms of awards and fans because that oomph 3RACHA pour into their music is where the disparity lies.

With performers like the eight men in Ateez imagine them being up there on the VMAs stage getting all the praise... And the viral Taylor Swift reaction to match... Her reaction to Chan was just so relatable after all (be still my Swiftie/STAY/Atiny manic heart). I can't lie, the thought of them never being recognised in the mainstream before it's too late and they disband to focus on solo careers makes me tear up. Oh, that's so dramatic of me is what people who don't know Ateez will think,

'Ewwww... it's not that deep 🙄! Go touch some fucking grass and stop being so saesang coded' { Bitch, if I could go outside without dislocating my hip, I'd still be an Archaeologist! Is that enough grass and mud for you all?}

With a massive 'Wooyoung-thicc, baby-girl-twerking' ass BUT(t):

The thing is, it actually is that deep.

I am sick of spending comeback day piecing together the story point instead of looking at the video and lyrics and it's meaning. Which invariably is about the destruction of the dystopian universe. Don't Stop did the story telling in a way that made sense for what the video portrays and it works real fucking well (plus Mingi? Oooh, damn boyyy!). We understood it because it was all there to be found!

Imagine having that every comeback day, the 'falling out of bed at 5am to match KST' would be so much more enjoyable because there isn't any depth to plunder, it would be a {most definitely not} straight shooting banger or bopper or tear-mopper of a track, ALMOST ENTIRELY written and produced by the members for us to enjoy on repeat. Then a few days later the Edenary b-side/s with all the storyline desired would drop and we would be mentally prepared to disect every second of it because our thirst would have diminished to the 'reasonably manageable when those eight beautiful men plus San's chocolate bar abs are in the world' level.

Whilst I intended to make all my points in one post, I will split it up because of the length it's going to be... To be continued...

[mrsfezziwig]

Joe-ver, Traylor & Condescension

I know how I reacted to the news that Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn had broken up because a fellow Swiftie I am close friends with via FB - I am housebound - gave me the 'terrible' news. Dissolving into fits of laughter apparently wasn't the reaction I should have had; whilst the rest of Swiftville collectively used sobbing emojis in tweets, Facebook status updates, Instagram posts and comments, I was among the few who were marvelling at the fact it managed to last six years at all. I was among those who were avoiding saying 'I told you so' by duct-taping our mouths closed.

Apparently it is morally reprehensible to speak ill of the dead, and Joe's career may as well dead as a door nail now he only has his... skills to fall back on. No one can ever convince me that this man got the roles he did because of his talent alone. Even if he was told that his almost god-tier performance in audition was what got him the role, directors and casting agents aren't stupid. Being linked to the whirlwind force that is Taylor Swift means that her immensely supportive fans will support those she loves, equalling higher ratings and more cash. Oh, and it would make doors firmly shut to these directors and producers before magically swing open with a 'tada' and jazz hands. But of course it was alllll Joe, it was no one else but Joe that pushed him into suddenly getting the role he went for each time. Yes, I am being condescending, but the reason I have been so purposefully scathing is having had the pleasure of working with this man pre-Taylor. I wasn't yet debilitated by my medical condition and my in-real-life best friend was working on the wardrobe for a show which Joe was in. She needed help with understanding knitting and other 'lady-like' skills, which I have experience with from the age of seven. My opinion of the man is formed from seeing his interpersonal connections and just how pompous he was then.

After the initial wave of 'oh no' and 'this can't be happening', the tide swept away the sand-like haze the fandom had been in and left bare the truth that everyone failed to see sooner. Joe thought Taylor was beneath him in terms of her craft. She wrote songs to go on albums that are insanely popular but also effete, passing fads and fripperies compared to 'real' artsy music. These song were dumb, unless he was in the credits because money doesn't matter; in his head he is a modern version of a 1920s bohemian who lives in a tiny studio surrounded by easels and clay, earning a pittance and drinking with friends every night as they discuss intellectual things the majority of people can't even pronounce.

Suddenly Swiftville filled with pauses then began to whisper about how Joe really treated Taylor, how his demands for a total blackout in terms of speaking about the relationship were kind of controlling, and that he liked living in the enormous apartment that Taylor rented in London, he just didn't want to be known as 'Taylor Swift's Boyfriend' like it's a disease.

I understand wanting privacy in a relationship but if became obvious quickly that Alwyn wanted to live like he was the star with an average everyday girlfriend who basked in his light, not the other way around. Sure, that privacy was perfect for the time they got together, Taylor was at her very lowest mentally and they were cocooned together, where he can imagine himself as the star like he desired. The pandemic didn't help when it came to being in that cocoon again. I genuinely and passionately believe the relationship would have ended after the Lovefest Tour, or even whilst she was actively touring but it would have been kept secret. A split from the person she wrote almost all of Lover about in the middle of promotion would have been tough to manage in terms of PR. Tree is an absolute wizard when it comes to that but she can't perform miracles!

The Midnights album and tour played a huge part in the break up, or the final, no going back break up as there were a few others according to what various sources have said. In addition I don't believe it was amicable at all, it was protracted and painful, particularly now we know 'You're Losing Me' was written in late 2021! My instincts tingle that they were over in late 2022, but Joe attended the Grammy after party to keep the ruse going for a while, although the why of this part I can't put together sensibly.

As the fuss of Ratty Healy fizzled out (what the fuck were you thinking Taylor?) and The Eras Tour continued on, a new beau appearead in Travis Kelce and it is where I begin to loathe some parts of the fandom. Just as Joe was condescending towards Taylor, her 'fans' are now being condescending to Travis, and that is never fair until you get to know more about them. If whoever is on Ms Swift's arm is a dick, we can call it out but so far, based purely on his podcast with brother Jason, he is a deeply genuine, generous, honest man.

As a time out I would like to look at why I think Taylor and Travis are great for one another, which is obviously only my opinion, this entire essay being based on those and a few podcast episodes, an NFL game I had to dig around on my TV package to find and which I understood literally nothing more of than that the grass was green and Travis was playing... Off I go-

This man is unashamedly himself. There's nothing hiding, he's not pretending the dorky side of him doesn't exist, he has embraced it for millions to see for years and years. He made a fucking friendship bracelet for her. This tall, strong NFL guy sat down and threaded tiny beads onto string with his phone number on. I mean... please? That's some of the cutest shit I have ever heard and probably just bumped my high expectations in what I want in a man into near impossible levels.

Travis is confident and comfortable in his own skin, there's no feeling inferior, he is already successful, in a career that does not sit in the arts sphere so he doesn't need to be Taylor Swift's Boyfriend to get parts in films or sell albums. I also noticed when he waited for Taylor to come off stage in Argentina, he kept his hands behind his back to ensure Taylor was the one in control of the PDA level. She could indicate what she wanted by reaching for his hand or, as we saw, run up to him and throw her arms around him. The mental image of the sequin purple dress as Taylor ran to Joe could practically be a copy paste of this but the second time around there was no hiding under the brim of his baseball cap like he was ashamed to be seen with someone who has mass market appeal. He was there in a shirt so unique he couldn't be misidentified by even an ET.

Now I want to move onto something more serious, something that I cannot believe Swifties considered acceptable to do: dig around in twitter and find tweets 12 years old with misspellings even though it is common knowledge that Travis is Dyslexic!

They dragged a man with dyslexia because his old tweets were misspelled. It was all a joke, of course (/s), but it isn't and shouldn't be, because it was Swifties looking at the tweets, creating a spiderweb thin veneer of being humorous whilst, consciously or unconsciously, thinking Taylor is too good for him because of it. They were trying to make it look like Travis was the dumb jock student who barely breathed near a book his whole life and Taylor the intellectual who uses big words in her songs that he could never understand. In what world is it okay to point out how her past boyfriends looked down on her only to do the same to Travis? This has truly pissed me off.

Oh, how I wish it stopped there but it doesn't. As the news got out of the budding relationship, more than one Swift 'news channel' said she was having a 'himbo' moment. A Himbo moment... How much more degrading can you get? They may as well have been blatant, not cowardly, hiding behind buzzwords and have said:

"He plays in the NFL? Urgh that is so puke, everyone knows those players don't have a decent braincell in their heads! This break up with Joe really hit her hard, Travis has to be a rebound, she couldn't possibly like this guy."

Well, it doesn't take much to find out that actually, Travis has a Bachelors Degree in Interdisciplinary Studies. He didn't have a need to complete his credits, his place with the Kansas City Chiefs is secure, but he still persevered, kept studying despite his difficulties with reading and writing and graduated in 2022. That's not even remotely easy and certainly doesn't make him intellectually beneath Taylor at all.

Another thing I saw and heard more than once was that Taylor looked bored at the Kansas game she attended, unable to understand what she watching and simply doing what others did to hide it. This was the 'first date' for them and she spent it with his parents, who, shockingly wanted to be there to support their son as they always did, in a private box. So much about this is stupid to the point I think these Swifties need to learn a lesson in humility! It's appalling that they are so arrogant, so indelibly stained with Taylor's genius-by-proxy that anyone or anything that sits outside of what they think she enjoys is only fit to be squashed beneath the queen's high heeled boots. Sound fucking familiar? What is laughable about it is that Taylor herself is incredibly humble and thankful and doesn't paint herself as a genius at all!

Scott Swift is a major, major football fan, a former(?) Philadelphia Eagles stalwart and possible Kansas Chiefs new sign up, therefore it is utterly ridiculous to suggest his daughter didn't pick up on the lingo, rules, statistics and points from hearing holy talk about it. Taylor was very responsive to the game, I found as many videos of her as I could to be sure of it, and there was no waiting around for others to react, she was up there shouting and jumping in all her glory, decked out in that perfect shade of red that suits her so well and following the game.

As for the whole 'mama on the first date' thing? Who are you to assume it's a date? Obviously it wasn't. In fact Travis has clearly stated that he invited her to hang out in his box and see him after the game, not as a date... And of all the videos and pictures I have looked up to try and get this opinion piece to be reasonably accurate, the laughter and smiles between Mama Kelce and Taylor look genuine, not like TayTay is playing a part in a movie as has been suggested by some.

By taking a step back from the stupidity and condescension you can see why they work so well, so here's my reasons for why I believe that:

Family comes first for both and they understand the closeness of a family bonded like that as Taylor's parents are her backbone through all the bullshit.

They are both successful and don't actually need one another. It's a position of equality for them both.

Travis has said in his podcast that the paparazzi are insane but he knows how to handle it. He knows that being with a global superstar comes with negatives but you have to decide if those negatives are manageable for the person in your life and he has decided he can hack it. Head down, hold tight to the hand and just go for whatever door you are aiming for.

As strange as this is about to sound, he's a man. At 6'5" he is just perfect for a woman of Taylor's height, she can still wear her heels and feel feminine beside Travis. He is bigger than her security guards and can take a few knocks if anything goes west.

He's a God-damn gentleman. He opened her door, kept hold of her hand tight so as not to lose her in the kerfuffle of photographers outside the SNL meal they went to and he let her pick her comfort zone in terms of hugs and kisses.

Culture. I mean in terms of holidays, traditions, norms and values. Most of the people she's dated have been British, and although we share much, we can never truly understand what Americans feel about their country. To us the idea of reciting a few words to a flag in the corner of a classroom each morning is very, very, very cult vibed.

Freedom. Sure that sounds weird but I mean it in the sense that Travis is a Swiftie, this man knows how utterly off the wall Taylor can be even before he took his friendship bracelet shot at her, and they complement one another in that sense. No judgement will be coming from this man at all, he'd more likely be the one with her on the dance floor as they moved in crazy ways like no one sees them.

They've agreed on how much they are willing to divulge. He consistently says in post game interviews that although he will openly say that they are dating, he won't say anything more than that without speaking to Taylor first, and it doesn't take Stephen Hawking to realise she'd tell him not to elaborate further. Whenever she's mentioned in the podcast it is usually about the fans, not our Queen directly, such as the Christmas single reaching number one on iTunes.

He. Wants. The. World. To. Know. Isn't that refreshing? From her songs alone anyone can deduce that Taylor enjoys being in love and wants that love shouted from the rooftops, she wants to be acknowledged by her partner. She is able to express this in song whilst her other halves generally haven't or if they have it's been too subtle. Going from being as closed off as Jaylor were, to Travis proudly saying they are together must feel awesome for her.

He likes her acknowledgement right back. If you haven't seen the video of his face and neck going red as Tay changed the lyrics to Karma for him, go find it and then come back and read this again.

With all the love and respect I have for Ms Swift, I pray, beg fate, give offerings to the gods, ask the universe to make this one be it for her. Of all the guys that have gone before there's no one like Travis Kelce in the mix and maybe this is the 1!

P. S. I chose Maroon because it is all said in the first verse...

[mrsfezziwig]

Private Grief / Public Sorrow

"What price is fame?"

I don't remember the first time I heard the quote above but it has stuck with me for a long time. I remember thinking it in 1997, the day Princess Diana died, and it's possible that is where I first encountered the phrase. Since that time I have had it pop into my head every time I hear of yet another celebrity death, no matter the cause.

Rarely does a celebrity death make me even blink, I know I didn't cry or feel anything particular of note when I heard Michael Jackson or David Bowie or even Queen Elizabeth died, in fact only twice have I been deeply impacted by the death of the famous to a degree I still feel the pain. Heath Ledger was the first, and now, in the past few weeks, Moon Bin of kpop group Astro. Neither were people I looked up to or admired in more than a casual, everyday sense; they were talented young men who could have been legendary, and I would have definitely been shocked to meet them in the street. In both cases they were young men in their prime and the outpouring of grief for them is comparable, yet the difference between East and West is palpable when it comes to the public being informed as to how they left the planet.

As soon as Heath Ledger's autopsy report was completed, easily within mere minutes of the doctor signing the forms to make it official, the world had the answer to the question of how and why: accidental polypharmacy overdose because he got confused after mixing over the counter cold remedies and prescription medication, ending up overdosing unintentionally. It was a relief, the rumours it was suicide or he was an addict were quashed and people could grieve him properly. Yet in the case of Moon Bin we don't know how he died over and above two vague possible theories: natural causes because he was known to have chronic health issues, or suicide as stated in the only official statement given by police.

Why am I here writing this? Because I have cried many tears for Moon Bin. I was not an Aroha, I knew him from being a fan of Stray Kids and watching him perform with the latter's member Lee Know. The news reached me when I refreshed my YouTube recommended page, his picture prominent at the top with the headline announcing his passing. Quickly hopping over to the BBC news app for confirmation I felt sick to see it was true, and that is where I read the police statement calling it an apparent suicide. My mind went haywire and flashed up the famous images of Jonghyun of Shinee in his memorial photograph, swiftly followed by Sulli's and Goo Hara's. I burst into tears.

Being theoretically old enough to be Moon Bin's mother, the maternal side I have developed over my late thirties cried out. Surprisingly, however, I wasn't crying out for the family alone, but more so for the fans. The kpop culture can be uncomfortable looking in from the outside, I definitely feel in some ways it's all a bit too 'cult-y', especially when it comes to the closeness of idols and their fandom. We are made to feel like we are their family too, which is why there is so much grief when an idol dies unexpectedly. The first people they thank after winning an award is the fans, and on survival shows like I-land, all the successful applications promised to show a better performance for their fans before the show even ended and they debuted. Yeah, that latter one makes me cringe somewhat.

But it was this unnatural, almost co-dependent para-social bond that made me sad for Arohas and those who were Moon Bin's solo 'stans' (add it the list... that's also rather yucky to me; I would rather not be described like a crazed stalker-murderer because I am a fan of something), that I was sad for. Because when those bonds are broken so rapidly it's natural to want to be involved in the story of the idol's death, not as a distant homogeneous mass of atoms but as someone who shared their daily life. And because of the way the laws are, rightly in the vast, vast majority of cases, this can only occur if the immediate family agree, and almost every time, they don't. Those thousands the idol invited into their lives now have to accept they are no longer of any worth, they simply no longer matter because the person they supported is dead.

Bang.

The metal door that was open and allowed them in to the idol's world is slammed shut, sealed tightly, welded closed, sound-proof... The fan usefulness has passed away with the man they felt was a stand-in boyfriend or, in a more palatable way, a brother or friend. No real chance to wave goodbye and mourn is the consequence of that twisted relationship an idol and fans have, which is why I felt so bad for them, wanting to give them hugs in silence as no words can soothe a soul with questions that can't be answered.

For context and in the spirit of honesty, I didn't get into kpop until 2021, only to find myself feeling a little stunned because my journey on the kpop train failed to stop for anyone. It barrelled into my life via the famous clip of Han from Stray Kids forgetting he was meant to join the others on stage for the Yayaya choreo, and I finally found people who were as kooky and off the wall as me. Then I began to discover the darkest shades of the industry. Knowing so many gifted young people had committed suicide was soul crushing, so then began a journey into the social pressures of Korean culture and it's shockingly high rates of suicide in people under 30. That means I wasn't a fan when any of the three people mentioned above departed life, although I read the articles and watched videos talking about them.

At this time I also found out about a young man named Yohan, who was a member of TST and who passed away in 2020. His family haven't released a cause of death, which honestly shocked me because it was so normal to me to know this information. Of course it is up to the family to decide, so I put it down and left it alone and went about my life no worse off. Seemingly, anyway, because his name would pop into my head every once in a while as I wondered why there were no answers.

This is where the situation gets philosophical. When Moon Bin died in April, the police made one ambiguous statement and then the family said nothing more, and in some way that feels... wrong. Yes, I get that there is some shame in suicide for too many, as if it was an admission you didn't care enough for your relative or else you would have seen it coming, but it's just... when someone chooses to live in public, when they choose to share their talent with the world, they take on a whole additional family; there will be people who look up to them, who find comfort in their music or performances or crazy chaotic moments on variety shows. Because of the focus on fans and how they wouldn't be idols without us, plus putting almost everything about themselves out into the world it feels a little disrespectful to be shut out like we, no matter how many groups or soloists we enjoy, no longer deserve answers, which I find immensely hypocritical. Idols themselves know without the wider public seeing them, there is no celebrity and they would not be fulfilling dreams held since childhood.

Why does that stop at death? If these people spend up to 20 hours a day filming their lives for content to share with fans, to not be told what happened to them is cruel. The reason the most high profile suicides of idols are the ones we think of with a levelheaded manner is that the idols left notes, they made it clear that they wanted us to know. They respected their fans even at the end. It will never be closure for the circle of people who were related to them or their friends, no such thing exists for them.

No one is asking the question of why the fans can be ignored like we are for fear of being seen as inappropriate, for 'pressuring' a grieving family for answers when they need time to mourn their son. But according to his family themselves, as well as those around him daily, Moon Bin loved his fans above all else, they were why he kept going even after major health problems back in 2019 as well as what the Daily Mail calls 'a lifelong struggle with anxiety'. If he himself loved his fans so much, would he want his cause of death hidden? Is it the lack of a note that is preventing the family from allowing the very basic question of 'suicide or not' to be answered? And how do you grieve when you just don't know what kind of grieving you should do?

Morality is a finicky issue that is rarely dichotomous. For example, we've been asked not to spread false rumours and reports, which is kind of hard when the truth isn't out there to prevent it. Human beings are inquisitive, it's how we've been able to become the supreme predator on this planet and create technology that just a few hundred years ago would be called witchcraft, but that drive for answers in the modern age also means gossip. And as insensitive as I am about to sound, Moon Bin's family, friends, acquaintances and colleagues will have gossiped about a celebrity death at some point, that's human nature, until it happens to you, apparently. People around the world are practically copy-pasting the words 'out of respect for the family please stop speculating' whilst hypocritically wanting to know themselves too. Simply put, the effects of being famous and putting so much of yourself out there doesn't stop when the family wants it to. For years and years this young man had the choice to quit the idol lifestyle and didn't because he loved his fans so much and honestly, I think those people who bought his albums, watched his TV appearances, purchased tickets to shows and began using skincare products he advertised put the money in his pocket that will now pass to his family and they deserve to be told the truth. You may not want to be famous but your son and daughter both are... which kinda suggests you approved of their choices, and there will be no peace for your child unless you tell people how he died.

So, unfiltered, I am going to speculate. I believe Moon Bin killed himself, that he may not have planned it out and left a note but he broke suddenly, unlike Jonghyun who tried to get attention ahead of going on with his plan by revving his car engine and burning his tires out in the car park of his apartment building only for no one to react. I believe Moon Bin walked into his home not thinking 'I am going to kill myself,' rather that his intrusive thoughts took over and he couldn't stop himself. I believe the toxic way idols who date are treated if they do - provided there were no contractual rules about the same, which are even more disgusting, by the way - meant he got home from his show abroad, was already fragile as demonstrated in his final live stream minutes before he passed away and the emptiness of having no one to come home to made him snap. Would it be better if he died of health complications? Yes it would, because the fans knew he was ill, and the pressure placed on him by the agency wouldn't have helped, there is something to blame in that scenario. As it is, we are beating ourselves up for 'failing to protect another idol' because as of now the only kind of indication we have is that short statement of 'suspected suicide'. We are grieving too, and the family has a duty to accept that we need to know the truth to move on. They will never be able to forget him, but they know how he passed and it will allow them to scar over the wound eventually, whilst we are left with a weeping sore to match our eyes as there is no answer.

Maybe it's time people consider this before putting themselves out as celebrities and they should leave clear instructions in the event of their passing regarding what they want the public to know. Had Moon Bin left instructions that he didn't want us to know beforehand, I could accept that as my closure; if that's what he wanted then I know it's a choice he made. Instead we are left feeling terrified about losing another idol and having no answers then, either. I know I've been deeply scared that Bang Chan or Hyunjin might be on the edge at times, I mean Chan couldn't eat for three days and they both get terrible hate online.

Every night I ask the universe to protect everyone in the industry, it's a habit I've developed after sitting on the wheelchair ramp outside my house as I waited for the first star to appear on the 19th April and it's one I have found myself emulating even when there is cloud cover. Let these people be people, to date and have lives that fulfill them so the likelihood of these events are minimised. Maybe it is time for that somewhat disturbing relationship of being 'best-friends' with fans and always putting them ahead of interpersonal relationships with the real world around them to be diluted down, to take the creepy out of the pasta a bit.

Dedicated to the memory of Moon Bin, who left the world on the 19th April 2023. I hope you are having a wonderful time singing and dancing for the fun of it and playing with the animals in Paradise Park. Be free, young man, be free.

[mrsfezziwig]

Found this masterpiece researching for my book! I've been searching for songs from pre-2016 to include and I love this

[mrsfezziwig]

Guilt is still making me feel like shit, because he shouldn't have to take care of me whilst working full time and taking chemo via tablets. He had such a rare cancer that one of the most widely experienced and respected gastroenterologists in the country had never encountered it. Once the mass blocking hubby's intestine was removed, the doc said it was nothing to be worried about, that something started to grow after hubby's terrible stomach upset in March and the only reason he sent it out for testing was because it was NHS protocol. He'd seen many the same, that he'd probably be removing something similar as an emergency again in the next 48 hours.

What was dangerous wasn't in the outer of the mass, it was inside, a rare capsulated cancer I can't even begin to name, and even if I could, I wouldn't mention it in a blog post. That is how rare it is. 4 cases have been reported in the world in the past year, out of seven billion people, my husband was one of the four. Mathematics is not my strong suit so I can't even figure out what that is in percentage points or something, fuck, I can't even recall how many zeroes are in a billion when typed out except by googling it!