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sometimes i truly feel this detrimental guilt for reading x readers or fanfiction 😭 especially if it's on a real person because i just, i don't know, it makes me feel like a bad person. #overthinker — i think some of it is that i don't want to make those people uncomfortable. and i know they don't know about it but it's just the fact that im reading it like a closed secret. sometimes this applies to even fictional characters. like why am i this way 😭

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i don't understand why my hyperfixation periods bring me more suffering than happiness now that i'm an adult. it's like i'm questioning whether or not i actually care about the things i fixate on. whether it's celebrities, shows, movies, etc.. i just feel so much guilt now. maybe a mixture of comparing myself to others my age — but also just genuinely second-guessing myself because i've always felt that i care and love these things, which i know it's weird — these people have no clue who i am and probably never will. these people wouldn't want to be my friend. and i put so much energy into it. and now i wonder if i waste time doing this or if i have wasted time being like this — instead of thinking about the happiness these things have brought me.

and i'm entirely sure why i'm this way about this. i don't want to stop being that way — hyperfixating and obsessing and loving — but i just compare myself to others. i even compare myself to celebs because i wonder if any of them ever do this with other celebs. and as i said, i would never want to make these people uncomfortable because like i said, they're people i look up to (and that might be odd, oh well) and who i relate with in a way. but bro if they knew i was obsessing and hyper fixating the way i do, im sure they'd think im a nutjob. 😭

is anyone else this way? i'm trying to word it perfectly but it feels like i still don't have all the right words or that i feel... like im forgetting to express something or mention something? anyways, i don't know if it's cause im neurodivergent or what. do i actually care or am i just trying to hold onto something for nothing??? like im genuinely questioning whether or not i actually care or love these things and i hate that im doing that because like i said, i always have felt that i have but now im overthinking . omg

and i like so many things and there's also a guilt - like because i care or think of so many different things. a guilt that what if i don't actually and what if it's just a way to cope??? 😭

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i'm going to make an updated carrd for this blog later!! :-)

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it's missing raúl esparza hours

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A MURDER AT THE END OF THE WORLD 1.04

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sing you fools, but you got it wrong.

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We are all pretending that he’s talking to us, right? RIGHT?

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this man is my favorite no one compares to him

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Poetry In America: Finishing the Hat

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RAÚL ESPARZA in “FRIJOLES” by MATT BARBOT (2)

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Uploaded because they’re gonna delete it on the 20th and it’s too big for Tumblr so on YT it goes! This damn near broke my heart.

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Looks like at the very least he’s having lunch with Liv, Fin and maybe Rollins since she was spotted on this location too.

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Raúl: “You can’t see the alcohol, okay?”

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A Love Letter to New York

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just some faces from the zoom