mutilason

[mutilason]

My mind is going bonkers, and it’s been while since my last Tumblr Brain Dumpᵗᵐ so get ready because even I’m not sure where this one’s going.

*Ahem*

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Okay, with that out of the way; I feel like I have a lot bottled up, but don’t know how to express it. I feel like I might be closing myself off, but I don’t know how to stop it. Like. I’m okay, I’ll be okay, but I can see shit going in directions I don’t like, but I feel like I can’t stop it.

The problem is I don’t really know what this means either. I’m gonna talk to my therapist about it on Saturday (if I remember, but that’s, ideally, what this is for.) but I just feel like I’m at a crossroads, and don’t know which way to take, and it makes me nervous, and that makes me freeze.

It feels like I’m not progressing. Stuck in a rut. But not in a bored way. I work a Monday to Friday 8-5 job, at which I started a new position a few months ago, and it’s been great. Your standard back office pseudo IT desk job, so like. I know it’s the kinda thing some people would hate, but I wanted that scheduled regularity. Plus, no longer dealing with customers directly is a huge bonus lmao.

Now that I have the regular schedule, it’s easier to plan things with people, account for bills/important shit, and personal time, right? You’d think so.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely have the time and ability to do so, but fuck, I just feel so burned out by the time I get home lately. I just don’t wanna do anything. I just wanna smoke, eat dinner, maybe play a little bit of video games if I finish eating early enough, and go to bed.

Like. This doesn’t feel productive. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel like I’m relaxing, it feels like I’m avoiding all my important shit. Even now, doing this, I should prolly be going to sleep, because I have work in the morning. But I wanted to try and play a little bit of Oxygen Not Included before bed, because now I’m almost trying to force myself to get in some video game time when I can.

Which, even that feels conflicting to me. I feel like I don’t have time for video games, which sucks. But lately I’ve been trying to force myself to get back to my PC and game more often because I miss it, specially solo gaming. I just feel like i haven’t been able to focus on a story or single player game in ages. Attention span really just be fucked.

But then forcing the games, makes me feel like there’s something better I could be doing. Literally anything, and it makes me enjoy playing them less, because it’s not exactly wrong. There are things I’m neglecting, relatively important things, but not anything that’ll risk my job or housing, so I guess I just ignore it.

And I don’t think it’s this position, because I was feeling this way beforehand too. It doesn’t help that my ADHD meds have been stuck in Prior Authorization since fucking March, so that doesn’t help. I had the taste of mental freedom and getting shit under control, for about 3 1/2 months, only for it to be ripped away. My insurance decides to be a fuck ass and needs another PA from my doctor. They need approval from him for me me to get the prescription. The prescription that my doctor prescribed to me, for my ADHD. The one I had been using for 3 months prior. And then suddenly had an issue.

On top of that, my doctor, who seems chill, albeit a bit rushed (small office) and open to what I would have to say, does not respond to messages when I send them, despite him telling me to send them if I need anything, and calling has proven unsuccessful when the office just kinda loops me around.

But finally, there’s me, causing problems for myself, by not communicating any of these issues as often as I should. I just. Don’t have the mental energy or drive to reach out. It’s just a message, not even a phone call, but I have been struggling since March just to get something. And when i finally make a chance to get an appointment and figure things out, nothing happens, nothing comes from it because I’m still in the waiting game. So now I’m discouraged from reaching out again. I know I need to. But I just..don’t. Can’t.

It sounds like depression right? Like. I feel like I was getting better for a bit, but now it’s just going back down. Granted, I did stop taking my anti depressants, which I will start again tomorrow, but I did that because I felt like I wasn’t getting a difference, and/or that I’d feel worse. But I don’t remember, because I stopped a few weeks ago, and I have goldfish brain (first few times were forgetting to take them, but then I just kept not doing it).

That prescription is new ish, I started it in March, because those didn’t get fucked by the PA for some reason, but i think I got like 2 1/2 months before stopping. I think it was end of May. Maybe beginning of June. Idk, I’ll start it again tomorrow. Maybe that’ll help.

I forgot where I was going with this, and I could scroll up, but I want these to be raw. I don’t want to go back and make too many edits outside of formatting or spelling (or occasionally when a sentence/paragraph I wrote out works better if it comes after another. Like a “I’m taking about X, and now Y, but I think X being after Y will make this flow easier” or some shit.

Idk if any of this made sense, but whatever, I think that’s kinda the point of these anyway. Just the rambles of my half asleep, a little high, and unfiltered neurodivergent mind. Fuck this shit sucks sometimes. I like being me, quirks and defects and all, but damn, some people just live without having these issues? I cannot imagine lmao

Anyway, I got work, so is bedtime. Thanks for reading. If you got this far, you get dog pics (my roommates dog, she’s a sweet Diva)

Night bitches~

[mutilason]

the neurodivergent experience:

20% of the time: wowwieee!!! i love my passions and interests!!!!! they make me so happy i want to jump up and down!!!!! weee!!!!!!! :3333333333

80% of the time: this mind is a prison

[mutilason]

tumblr is the go to wizard site but there's not nearly enough love for adventure time wizards imo

[mutilason]

Shucks

reblog to wirelessly transfer all of your dysphoria to jk rowling

[mutilason]

It is particularly erroneous to leave out Riza's muscles in fanart when she has to use physical strength in her day-to-day life much more than Roy.

Roy is their universe's equivalent of a magic user. Sure being a soldier might have led him to build up some muscle, but consider how, during the story, most of his job leaves him bound to his desk. And his fighting style is essentially standing there and snapping at people.

Riza meanwhile, carries around big ass guns, she needs to hold them in place for long periods and she needs to upper body strength to handle their recoil.

(This is an overly long way of me saying I want more fanart of swole Riza bridal carrying Roy.)

[mutilason]

This would certainly stunlock me long enough to melt my health bar. Too bad the only loot they'll get is a pouch of anxiety lmao

GIRL PLAYERS ARE ABUSING MY ATTACK PATTERNS TO DEFEAT ME

[mutilason]

Thank you All-Purpose Cultural Transgender Catgirl on Facebook for providing the direct link to the Tumblr post. Now I can save/reblog it for myself and others that need it too.

Emergency cleaning: Unfuck your whole house in the shortest time possible

So, your landlord/parent/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.

Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.

Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.

Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.

Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.

Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.

Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.

Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.

Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!

Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.

Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.

Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.

Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.

Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.

If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.

Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.

It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.

Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.

You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.

Why are you still here? GO. START. NOW.

[mutilason]

Just wanted to give a small update to said 🥚 thoughts

I think I’ll prolly wind up on the gender fluid side of things, because I still like being/feeling masc, but wearing this dress at pride, and being femme presenting for the day did make me feel very pretty and nice. But we’ll see where it takes me.

Self discovery really do be a journey, huh?

Tonight’s brain dump ramble, short one tho (technically a draft from last night that I made some edits to lmao)

It’s really funny that the main ships I apparently gravitate towards are the romantic sapphic ones. Idk exactly what about it, but I’ve found I just really enjoy them, they’re adorable.

Bubbline, Farcille, Chaggie, and Catradora are the first ones that come to mind right now, and I’m sure these are prolly fairly “basic” or “cold take” kinda ships at this point, but whatever, I’m enjoying them.

Also, can’t help but wonder if it says something about me. Definitely been having “the gender thoughts ᵗᵐ ” about myself a bit more this pride month, so we’ll see where that goes.

🥚?

(Also Why am I talking about myself like I’m observing the process as tho it’s not actively happening to me? Eh whatever. Just kinda rambling. Oh right that’s the point.)

Going to a pride event this weekend, and gonna be experimenting with some expression. We’ll see what I’m feeling, but I’m excited just to try. Even if it doesn’t quite go where I expect it to, it’ll help narrow down how I’m feeling.

Anyway, that’s night twos brain dump. I feel like I cheated, but I added more to it, and it’s my blog to do how I choose, so it counts.

I’m tired lol

Night, bitches~

[mutilason]

"kill them with kindness" wrong. bat attack

🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇

[mutilason]

[mutilason]

Literally have only watched this one and the Kevin Owens one so far, but they’re so good lmao

I’m glad Cody got a podcast where we can just see him be a goofball and shoot the shit with people and be real.

Also he clearly brings out the goofs in others too, because I knew Priest was a charismatic and nice guy before, but goddamn, after this episode, he’s like a giant teddy bear, but like. Still a real bear that will still absolutely kill you. But he just wants to enjoy life instead.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way Damian Priest looks at Cody Rhodes after he's just barked at him.

[mutilason]

Senshi’s face at the end kills me lmao

Yknow how people say they picture senshi and it helps them cook? I think I’m doing something wrong (DO NOT DO THIS)

[mutilason]

laios in ep 15

[mutilason]

Not All of Us Are Loud.

I wish people understood that not being able to read social cues doesn’t always mean being disruptive or awkward.

Sometimes it means becoming the quietest, most obedient version of yourself—because you’re terrified of getting it wrong.

You don’t know where the lines are, so you become the perfect little version of yourself.

Polite. Soft-spoken. Always agreeable.

Never making waves, never taking up too much space.

You think if you’re sweet enough, small enough, good enough, people will love you—even if they never really see you.

You don’t know if someone’s annoyed with you, so you apologize before you speak.

You give too much, laugh too quietly, pretend not to notice when someone talks over you—just so you don’t risk making things weird.

You don’t know what’s expected, so you throw yourself into every task until you’re exhausted and burned out in silence—because god forbid someone thinks you’re lazy or difficult.

No one else is working this hard, but you don’t know how not to.

You thought that’s just what being “normal” meant.

“Quiet, hardworking, always accommodating” should be just as much an autism red flag as

“talks too loud and never makes eye contact.”

But no one looks for us—

the overachievers, the anxious perfectionists, the trans girls who learned to mask with femininity and kindness because being nice felt safer than being real.

And the worst part?

No one notices how hard you’re trying.

You’re melting down behind your smile, overanalyzing every word,

and still people think you’re “so mature” or “so easy to get along with.”

I’m tired.

I’m tired of interpreting micro-expressions and tones like I’m deciphering ancient runes.

I’m tired of guessing how to exist in every room I walk into.

Please.

Just say what you mean.

Don’t make me guess if you’re mad at me or just tired.

Don’t make me decode whether you’re flirting or just being nice.

Don’t make me pretend I’m fine just because I don’t look overwhelmed.

I’m a trans girl.

I’m autistic.

I’m trying so, so hard to understand a world that never taught me how to belong.

I don’t need to be perfect.

I just want to be understood.

[mutilason]

Delicious and dragons

[mutilason]

idk why people call Marcille a loser or a failgirl

she's talented, credentialed, is a member of the most successful dungeon diving party, defies fate to bring back her love from across the veil of death, takes great care of her personal hygiene and especially her impeccably styled hair, and managed to pull the baddest autistic girly in modern anime

she's literally a scientist whose goal is infinite free energy and is actually making progress on it, if Marcille was real she would solve global warming

[mutilason]

MY BEAUTIFUL ITALIAN ELF GIRL