mwjumbledwords - Tumblr blog

[mwjumbledwords]

I’m struggling to stay above water, To say I’m drowning wouldn’t exactly be the equivalent to how I’m feeling, I feel dead mentally and spiritually, Walking around like a zombie, In this flesh that has swallowed me. Anxiety crippling me, Depression hardening its grip on me, Making it difficult to breathe, Finding it hard to see the love that surrounds me, Fighting back because deep down I know You have more for me. Struggling to hear Your voice, Understanding that it’s all my choice, Whether I choose to trust You or continue to grasp at my illusion of control, Scared to see where You’re taking me, As the fear of falling naws at me. I think that’s what I find most difficult, I’ve never been one to go all in, head first, I’ve spent my life focused on making sure I stay upright, One foot in front of the other, No sudden movements, trying not to lose my balance. Spent the last 15 years inflating this bubble, This emotional shell that encompasses me, Built with the idea that safety requires me to go into hiding, Hiding from feelings and taking chances, Scared to death of rejection. Living in this cocoon of anger and hurt, Consumed by the very thing I’ve been so focused on avoiding, Understanding that I’m the face of my own rejection, Constantly invalidating these feelings that I’ve began to drown in, Unable to fully accept that I can’t be perfect. Needing to appear like I’m put together, When in reality I’m shattered into a million pieces, With no idea where to begin in this reassembly, Figuring out that this process is messy, My hands are getting dirty. Healing can hurt but that’s how growing pains go, Moving towards this next step that He has for me, Trying to breakthrough this cocoon that has withheld me, Shedding and leaving it behind with all the hurt and the lies, Changing the narrative - recognizing the voice I actually need to listen to inside. Breaking free and trying to learn to fly, No longer bound to the ground, No longer dead inside, Resurrected with a new mindset, Pushing through but healing too.

“Butterflies,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

What do I see when I look at myself? I can see everything that is wrong, I pick at every flaw - every stretch mark, Somewhere deep within me it was embedded that they factor into my self worth. I fight internally with the narrative that I’m not enough, I am surrounded by people that constantly try to reassure me that I fully measure up, No outside force is tearing me down, It’s only the voice in my head that I’m battling now. I can list a hundred things that I would fix, But I struggle with recognizing even the smallest things I’m content with, I’ve accepted that I’m at least average in appearance, I struggle more with the person I am. I don’t believe that I am ugly - which is an improvement and yay for small victories! But I don’t see anything special about me physically, There are things I like; I like my eyes and I think my smile is kind, But I see myself as bigger than I really am, And I hate the pudge that my stomach makes, Not that I would love myself if I was thinner, I think there’s more to it than that. I see myself as built like a vertical cardboard box, Straight down the sides and wider upfront, I know that we are in the era of self love, But I’m struggling to catch up. I don’t fit the mold and I don’t want to I just want to be happy and comfortable, And I want that to be enough, I want to feel worthy of love. The way I feel about myself is really irrational, The emotional scars that got me here aren’t really that deep, Or maybe they’re so deep that my mind doesn’t allow myself to remember they happened, I mean where did this idea come from that I’m not enough to be loved? I didn’t have a troubled childhood, I had a loving family, I was blessed, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I struggle with identity, There’s so many things that are supposed to make up me, First of all, I’m a child of a King, But I don’t feel worthy of royalty, I feel too broken for this tiara that has been placed upon me, I go back to Mia Thermopolis, That scene in the garden where Queen Clarisse informs her of her destiny, Mia went from expecting invisibility to ruling a country, It scares me that the plans You have for me could change my life just as quickly. I know You have plans for me but I don’t know how to surrender to Your plan completely, I don’t know how to let go of this need for control, I don’t know how to free fall into the unknown, I don’t know how to break down these walls, I know I can’t do it by myself but I’ve always struggled asking for help. So here I am, Trying to break through the gates that anxiety built to lock my voice away, Trying to form words to let You know that I’m not okay, Trying to voice that I want to change, Pushing forward for triumph over this person that is trying to become. The core of who I am is screaming internally, Battling to break free, The one that isn’t scared of everything, Whose pain isn’t self-defining, The one whose conscience is the loudest, That’s kept me alive in my weakness by the grace of God, The one that’s brought balance in this struggle between who I am and depression, Whose reminded me that this chapter is not a reflection of who I am - just a part of my story, One of the many bits and pieces of who I'm becoming.

“Self-Reflection and Addressing the Negatives,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

“The eyes Chico, they never lie,” But what if they do? I know within mine there’s much I try to hide, The deepest parts of me masked with a smile, The tears that fall when no one is around, The remnant of them in the red lines that form around the windows to my soul. Grayish blue irises that hold every ounce of my sorrow, I see them in my reflection, I look at them as though they’re stain glass, The beauty of brokenness, Relinquishing the thought of anyone ever seeing through them, Making the effort to see who I really am. I hide behind my “I’m fine,” Numb myself to the pain, I want to avoid feeling anything, Lately it’s been harder to carry by myself, Lately my mind has been kind of scary, I’m having a hard time recognizing the reflection in front of me. Thoughts that I’ve never dealt with have been popping up in my head, Trying to present themselves as an option, But I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to lift, I just want to silence all the noise in my head, Besides I could never rest peacefully Knowing the pain I’d cause the ones I had left. I wish that I could accurately explain this heaviness, Did you know that a storm cloud weighs 105.8 million pounds? That’s how this feels when depression grips at your soul, It weighs you down like a dark, ominous storm cloud. When you look at the sky you never consider that there’s more to a cloud than meets the eye, Could never imagine all the heaviness that is inside. You look at me from the outside and you see someone holding it together, You can’t see the cracks or the way my hands fidget ever so slightly, You don’t see the things I pick at or how the skin around my nails have been picked to the point where they sometimes bleed, You don’t see how I bite the inside of my cheek, You don’t feel the intense rush of anxiety that starts painfully in my head and then works its way down until it’s hard to breathe, You don’t know how it feels like all it’s going to take is one more blow to destroy my house completely, You don’t understand the pressure I feel to keep it all together, The guilt I feel for failing, for breaking, for not being able to carry this weight on my shoulders, I feel guilty for the depression that is trying to bury me, You don’t know my whole story. Truth is I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m broken, Sometimes I feel deserted, Sometimes I entertain these lies that have been thrown at me, All the time I’m not perfect, That’s probably the only thing about myself that I can say in all confidence, I’m imperfect in every way and in that I am content. Truth is although I fall, I keep getting back up, I may be shattered but that doesn’t mean I won’t be whole again, I have a God who walks with and picks up the pieces I might be missing, He’s kept me through this and He’ll keep doing it again and again, He’s merciful and patient, His faithfulness is unwavering, And in times like now when I don’t deserve it, He’s waiting with open arms to put me back together again. My pain is real, My pain is something I have to feel, I’m human so sometimes my pain is a place I reside in, And if it hadn’t been for my faith in God my pain would be a place I got lost in, I would’ve drowned if He hadn’t walk out to where I was and carried me back to shore, I would’ve been dead if He hadn’t overthrown the noise in my head, Struggling is the price of life, I mean Jesus had to hang on a cross to give His life, He paid the ultimate price and now He walks beside me, He looks at the holes in me and picks up the pieces and starts re-molding me, A process in taking me to those places only He can see. “The eyes Chico, they never lie.” This statement is true for His eyes, Where my eyes see broken, His see beautiful, When I see empty, He sees whole, When I see my world crumbling around me, He sees the days ahead, He’s walked my steps before I even thought to take them, He’s carried out of troubled seas, He’s kept the fire from singeing me, And He’s going to keep on keeping me, And I still can’t comprehend why He loves me, Why He shows me such mercy. Words cannot describe how thankful I am that You saw me, That You see me as worthy, That You see me for who You know I am, Because in Your eyes I am more than I would’ve ever thought to describe, Thank you, Jesus. You have always been good to me.

“Scarface Quote,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

If I was honest, I’d tell you that I’m not okay, If I was honest, I’d tell you that I think I’ve lost every ounce of my faith, If I’m honest, I just want to be numb, I don’t want to feel the pain, I don’t want to feel anything, If I’m honest, I just want to drift away, Hide my face, just fade behind the scenes. Trying to find the words that are caught in the back of my throat, I’ve spent so much time just trying to get everything just right, I’ve lost sight and I feel like I’ve lost my mind, Fighting for control, debilitatingly unable to let go, Fully aware that the fight by myself would never be fair, But for some reason I thought I’d be able to get it under control, All because I’ve accepted this idea that I’m all alone. I know I was wrong but I feel so lost now, Not sure where I began running from, Unable to backtrack or retrace my steps, Weak and tired - all fight is gone, The deepest parts of me still trying to drag me back to safety, But the weight that is holding me is more than I originally thought it to be, It’s too much for me to do it alone, I know You’re the answer so why can’t I trust You enough to hand over control? I hate surprises, I despise not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring, To the point where the unknown frightens me, I don’t think I’m scared of the plans You have for me, My fear is more along the lines that I can never measure up, I’ve drowned myself in this pressure of being who I think You want me to be, There’s no doubt that I fall short, I feel broken and unworthy, Like who I am has faded into the darkness of this pain I’ve allowed myself to soak in. I have this overwhelming burden of feeling that I’m not enough, A feeling that has swallowed me whole, I look in the mirror and I just see this shell of me, Not sure whose eyes are really looking back at me, But if I look deep enough I can still see the remnants of who I was, That small remaining quantity of the girl I used to be, Screaming from somewhere deep inside of me, Trying to find her way back out, But we’re both tired and it feels like I just keep getting weaker. I want to scream but when I open my mouth nothing comes out, My throat still hurts like I made an high pitched sound, But my vocal chords never made a peep, I have all these things I want to say, But I stumble over the words and then they get trapped in my brain, I only have a stutter when I pray, So much I want to get off my chest, But it’s somewhere locked away, And the key is something I no longer possess. This one is hard for me, This is the darker side of me, Vulnerability can be ugly, But I’m tired of believing that holding it all in is some kind of strength for me, Avoiding all these feelings is cowardly, Facing this darkness within is the only way I’m ever going to see the light again, I know that beauty is going to come from my brokenness, My broken pieces and scars are going to shine like stained glass, And I’m okay with that. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to conclude this one positively, Tears streaming down my face as I bear my soul, Washing away some of this weight, Understanding that it’s time to face everything I’ve been avoiding, I can’t continue this way, I won’t survive and I have no desire to die to pride, There’s pain in me that runs deep but thankfully the God who conquers everything is patient with me, It’s really going to be okay.

“Honestly,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

This is why I keep to myself. I was fine assuming that you’d never be interested and then you had to flirt. Then I began to flirt with the idea of having you here. And then just as quickly as it started you put an end to it. Now I’m sitting here wracking my brain trying to determine what made you want to stay away. And then I begin to think that if you did stay you would’ve eventually still walked away because maybe I really am too much or maybe I’m just not enough. I’ve never been able to determine which one is true between the two, I mean I love with all I have but I don’t know if all I have is not enough or if I just give too much. Then I conclude that I’m better off this way, alone in my room. Then I get sad and mad because I’m tired of hurting this way. It’s not your fault, you showed some interest and I got too excited. I should’ve known better but I set myself up for the jump and I didn’t think it through, I skipped the contingency plan for what I’d do after you. Now I’m lost in my sea of thoughts and overthinking what could have been and what I should have said. I’m mad at how easily I caved in and just let you walk away. There’s this part of me that tells myself that you just got scared but then I look at how insane I feel and I think you probably made the right decision. I’m obsessing and losing my mind and you’re fine and that’s usually how it goes. I will be okay, it was just really fast and I wasn’t expecting to have to get over you this soon. This is why I keep to myself - by myself just hurts a little less. Eventually I’ll quit missing you and every time my apple watch goes off and it’s still not a text from you my heart won’t do those flips like it has been. Just like I got used to those texts at 5 am, I will get used to missing you. Sometimes the things we want aren’t the things we’re meant to have and I’m going to learn to be okay with that.

“In My Feels,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

“It just wouldn’t work out,” I didn’t know that I would be this disappointed, I didn’t how much I didn’t want those words to come out of your mouth, You said you’d just be a regret, But the only thing I regret is that we were never even given a chance, So many things I left unsaid, I wanted to risk it, Take that chance, Leap into the mentality that even a love that is lost is better than no love at all. But you felt you knew best, And who am I to argue with that, It was too new I didn’t know how to fight back, It had only been a couple of weeks, Feelings were just developing, But here I was falling, You said you wanted to end it before either of us got hurt, Then why am I spiraling head first? Yes, there is poetic flair to the emotions I am feeling, I’m pouting a little bit, I mean I hate starting something and not being able to finish it, We didn’t even get a story, It’s like a trailer to a movie that looks really good but they never release it, So much left unknown - never getting to become anything, I think it could’ve been good too, Even if our story couldn’t end the way we’d want it to. Now I’m sitting here contemplating what could have been, Daydreaming on what should have been, Missing your texts at 5 am, Wondering if I did something wrong, Wanting to let you know I miss you but I’m too scared to, Everything changed really fast and you made up your mind that we weren’t meant to last, I don’t know how you concluded that so fast. I’m trying to work through my emotions because I can’t talk to you, And everyone is worried about me so I have to act like I’m fine and happy, When in reality I’m sad and confused because I thought that you liked me, I really liked you and I still do, We said we’d stay friends but here I am on day two of not hearing from you, And that’s fine you don’t owe me - you don’t have to ring my line But every time my phone goes off my heart sinks when it’s not you. Life goes on and I’ll move on too, Right now it’s fresh and getting out of bed is a lot to do, I’m going to be okay and I wish you the same, Actually I wish you more, I wish you all the happiness in the world, I pray that you get everything you set your mind to, I pray that when love looks you in the eye again you’ll have the courage to not walk away, I pray you realize that I only regret that I let you close this book before it had a chance to even get good. Timing was never on our side, So I’m going to say goodbye, Maybe our paths will cross again, But for now our story ends before it even began.

“When the Ending Becomes Before the Beginning,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

I built you up so high, You sat on a pedestal in my mind, Convincing myself there was more than what meets the eye, That you really were this great guy. I got caught up in the lies, Mystified by the you I apparently made up in my mind, Unable to see through the glamour of the person I made you to be, Unable to see that this was a faux reality. Apparently I misread the things you said, I misread the way our hands fit, Your embrace was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I was holding on to a day dream that couldn’t keep going. Apparently your eyes were empty and I just seen what I wanted to see, Those glances weren’t what they seemed to be, When you said you love me - those words were just as empty, You lacked an understanding of what those three words were defining. It was a lie, Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie, You wouldn’t know the truth if it slapped you in the face, But I still believe in the chance that you will change. You’ll never know the damage you’ve done, You’ll never know how I now second guess every move I make, You’ll never know how scared I am to believe that someone can actually love me, You’ll never know the scars you left on me, How I lied in bed and cried myself to sleep for three nights straight, I was in so much pain. I felt my heart shatter that day, I had convinced myself that you were my safe place, Do you know what’s like to have your safe place vanish, gone without a trace? You were so convincing, trying to “match my energy.” So maybe I am still angry, I’m really trying not to be, I just want to have some peace, I want to wish you joy and happiness, And then I want to never see your face again but it’s complicated. There’s too many factors in place, Too many strings, We’re too connected, Our lives intersect in more than one way, I’d happily give you up but there’s more at stake. I will find peace again, I’m really trying to forgive, And regardless of how mad I am, I still believe you’re not who you claim to be, I still believe you’re capable of being that person who you feel you can’t achieve to be. But I hope to only see your growth at a far distance, Through the grapevine because I can’t let you back in, That is my path of least resistance, That door is closed and I can’t open it again, Even though I know I’ll have to see you at Christmas.

“The Idea of You,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

Those blue eyes, That jawline, Those curls that laid just right, When those lips turned into that grin, Oh what could have been. Those long conversations, Stolen glances, Fantasizing this romance, That smirk that I imagined came before a kiss, Oh what could have been. That soft brown hair, Your moody ways, How you always had something to say, I think you set the precedent for my taste, Oh what could have been. I appreciated how you always taught me something, You’d grin even if what I said wasn’t that funny, You had a kindness in your eyes, Even when you wanted to appear scary, You never scared me. Your hugs were warm and welcoming, I count it an honor that you found me worth tolerating, You never made me feel less, You’d correct me when I diminished myself, You looked out for me, you were safe. Granted you had your issues, The core of you was magnificent, I should’ve told you, I should have been more vocal about how great I truly thought you were, But I was fifteen and mistakes were all I could make. You were older and wiser, But I never felt out of place, I remember that movie night we sat in the floor in the back and just talked, I couldn’t even tell you what that movie was, But I remember how easy the words came and that didn’t always happen for me. You’ve always been there in the back of my mind, Me wanting to reach out but the timing was never right, I hope that we can regain at least the friendship we lost, A friendship that was lost to time and distance, We went down different roads but who knows, Maybe one day these roads we’re on will intersect. Who knows. Oh what could have been, Only time will tell.

“What Could Have Been,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

I am sitting here overthinking and daydreaming, Sipping on sweet tea while focusing on my breathing, I’m frazzled and a little flushed, I just want my brain to shut up. You walked in and there came that line, And because I can’t see anyone wanting to be mine I didn’t know what to say, My face turned red and I mentally walked away. I get so awkward when it comes to the opposite sex, I don’t get how to interact, I’m not really able to connect, I don’t remember when my castle installed the moat that surrounds these walls. Maybe I’m unable to fall, Maybe it’s meant to just be me, Maybe I’m always going to be like Chandler Bing, Before Monica; I’m talking season three, episode 4. Here I’ve been fantasizing about you since high school, When we were passing notes in health class, But I had to keep my mouth shut and my feelings locked away, Because you weren’t mine so I shouldn’t have felt that way. I locked them in a safe and I respected your space, We were friends and I never wanted that to change, Then I went away and our friendship strayed, We lost touch and went our separate ways. You have this whole new life now, And the past probably needs to stay that way, But I can’t help it if that crush cracks open the safe, I always wished I could go back and change some things. But this is all just daydreams, Emotional banter of better days, Maybe you are the one that got away, I guess that’s something I get to wait and see.

“season 3, episode 4” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

Love What is love? A question that has haunted me, Confused by the feeling its been portrayed. I’ve been taught that God is love, He is love for many reasons, But one of these reasons is because He died on a cross, Which shows me that love is an action, unbiased by emotion. Recently we’ve been living in this world divided, Enemies coming from all sides, Black and white, blood and strangers alike, Not seeing eye to eye - determined to fight or die. It’s been dark and hard to see any light, But then there’s Jackie’s testimony, The epitome of reckless love, Definition of how unconditional love really is. After years spent running, After the damages of crystal meth, All of the choices he made had finally caught up, But before it was too late God spoke up. I’ll never forget that night, The one where he sat on the front pew to the right, I’ll never forget the gratefulness in his eyes, I think he knew that his time was coming and he had to make it all right. I watched the tears fall down in his face, I watched as he repented with his hands raised, I watched as the Spirit of God rushed over him, I watched as his fate was completely changed. Jackie left that church house different then he came, Jackie left this world to go home to the King of Kings, Even in his dying days Jesus still reached out to save, Even after 30 years of running away. Now Jackie is at peace in his heavenly glory, He’s resting in eternity with the One The One who fought hell for him up till his last dying breath, What kind of love is that? Love is the greatest of these, We’re to love each other as Jesus loved Jackie, Unconditional and never ending, Flowing every minute and every second. Love without borders, Love without order, Just love one another, Be there for each other. This world is broken, And the time is coming, We can’t just keep going, All the rioting and fighting, we’re dying. When will we see we’re not that different, The blood that runs through me is only different by genetics, When will we see that the unknown isn’t so scary, Your skin color may be different from mine but that’s only surface deep, There’s more to your story and I want to keep learning. We all breathe the same air, Whether through our nose or mouth, Or if the draft of wind flows from north or south, Doesn’t change the fact that it reaches our lungs and we live another day. When we can grasp the true concept of love, Focus on what unites us instead of what divides us, Understand that our differences are to be appreciated and respected, Then we could really conquer all. Without a foundation of love we lose, One nation under God, One nation under love, God is love and until we understand that definition we’ll stay divided. Love doesn’t demand silence, Love offers guidance, Love doesn’t demand control, Love has given us the freedom to do what we will, Love just asks that we love Him back. This isn’t about religion, This is a cry of desperation, Love is stretching out His hand and His only desire is to save us, Love doesn’t come without sacrifice, for Love Itself gave His life. Things are wrapping up but Love is still pouring out, Still reaching and chasing us down Until the end of time runs out, Giving us chance after chance even until our last dying breath. We have choices to make, We have eyes to open, We have to listen to what Love has spoken, Accept that His arms are really open, We can really trust to fall into the grace He’s chosen to give. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

“Jackie,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

I wear the weight of the world on my shoulders, I try to convince myself that things can wait until I get older, Older is here, older is where I am living And I’ve not forgiven the person who’s made these decisions. I live in the state of broken, Anger burns at every layer of the skin I’m in, Constantly trying to break through, Suppressing it and not letting anything else in. Numbing these emotions, Trying to avoid being overwhelmed but I’ve failed, I can feel myself shutting down, Recognizing there’s only one thing that keeps me going. I have no interest in dying - this is not that kind of cry for help, I’m just hurting and unable to express myself, I just want to stay in my bed, Hiding under the covers - disappearing into the blackness that is the inside of my eyelids. I no longer remember dreams when I sleep, I no longer really sleep - I’m well acquainted with 3:00 am, I stare at the ceiling until it fades into the darkness, Mind racing so fast I can’t make sense of it. I’m exhausted, I’m pushing through each moment, Disengaged while I try to keep face, Believing I’m not allowed to break. I’m supposed to be strong behind these walls, There’s no time to crumble and fall, But the fact remains that I’m only human, Something tangible and a little unsturdy. I’m made from the dust of the earth, And I feel like I’m going to diminish in a gust of wind, Afraid my house hasn’t been built strong enough to keep the big bad wolf out, And here he is knocking on the doors of my house, taunting me, begging to be let inside. I’m sitting here looking through the window, Looking out past the noise, Trying to keep focus, Trying only to hear one voice. Fighting within myself, Realizing that this pull is tearing me in half, Looking down this path I’m on that appeared to be made of glass, But now I see that it really isn’t that delicate, it’s not breaking at my every step. I’m allowed to take risks, A risk isn’t going to sink my ship, I have to live, Live outside of this box I’ve placed myself in. It’s a struggle on two sides, I’m trying to find balance to just survive, There are things that I can’t bend, And there are things I can’t keep keeping inside. Needing to learn to be okay with having to have someone to depend on, Accepting that I really need to open up, Recognizing my basic need for giving and receiving love, Feeling doesn’t make me weak, it’s just something I need. Reservation and preservation is not the way to succeed, A life well lived can be seen through the lines on your face, The scars that mark your skin and the ones no one can see, Your experiences are what make up you and me. We’re not meant to be closed up, We’re supposed to allow people in, We’re emotional creatures, We’re supposed to feel. We spend so much time trying to numb the pain, Thinking its the easy way, But who would you be today if you didn’t make it through the pain? Who would you be if you didn’t let the pain teach you something? I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be learning, But I know that even though the pain will never stop coming There will never be a reason for me to stop learning, Continuously building and molding myself into the person I’m becoming.

“2020″ MW

[mwjumbledwords]

I hate how we invalidate feelings, How we automatically place guilt because someone else has it worse, That doesn’t make the pain I’m feeling any less real. There’s this shame that comes with invalidation, Like how can someone like me suffer from depression, Looking from the outside gives a different perspective. I know it could be so much worse, But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know I’m blessed but that doesn’t take away the stress. Here I am building this nest, Finding comfort in my mess, Just living with this regret. Gathering sticks, Placing them in all the crannies and nicks, Forming this structure that will easily collapse under a puff of wind. Not investing the time and effort it would take for my house to not break, Wasting time with meaningless materials, Cheap and off brand that will deteriorate in the end. Wanting this internal war to cease, Desperate for peace, But I’m searching for a makeshift way to maneuver to victory. An easy way out because I don’t know where else to go, Wanting to let go of all of these strongholds, Wanting to raise my white flag but I don’t know how. I don’t want to hold onto the pain, I don’t want anxiety associated with my name, I’m tired of being locked onto the depression chain. I feel like there needs to be a balance, Feelings need to be recognized, But they also have to die sometimes. We have to move on, We have to push through, Accept the change because comfort can kill you. Moving forward doesn’t invalidate your pain, You have to deal with it, But you also have to realize there’s something more important. I’ve recognized the need to get out of this mindset, I feel like I’ve been desperately trying to dig my way out of this hole I’ve been in, Like the last seven months have been this consistent struggle. I’ve been screaming internally, Physically feeling these chains that are holding me, Fighting back but my weakness has gotten the best of me. It’s been exhausting, Something I’m so tired of carrying, But I have an inability to let go, controlled by the fear of losing control. Where did my faith go? When did I begin to doubt? How can I really question if He’s going to work it all out? How do you regain your faith? How do you kill the doubt that remains? The doubt that sneaks in, that you don’t even see. I didn’t think that I could do it better, I think I thought I could do it without all the pain, I was wrong and I lost more than I could gain. I was focused on avoiding the shame, Just wanting to be numb to the pain, Not wanting to feel this way. Not entirely recognizing how long I’ve been running, Numbly searching for the answer that I already possessed, Finding solace in the noise in my head. Justifying my struggles for what they were, Blindly looking over the allure, The crutch that this pain would become. Convincing myself that I couldn’t see what I was doing wrong, Not allowing myself to see what I was to become, Excusing the crippled Christian that I was. Did I run into the arms of sin? At what point did I take the wrong turn? Here I am retracing my steps. My morals and values are solid, My faith is what’s shaken, My doubt is my poison. Trying to figure out what deep within causes me to question Him, On the surface it’s all clear, But there’s this black hole that begins to suck all that clarity in. It’s supposed to be simple, But here I am overthinking it, Making it more difficult. It’s a curse, This head of mine, Always analyzing, trying to pick it all apart. Looking for the deeper meaning, Constantly believing there is something I’m not seeing, Unable to believe that it’s really that easy. I have to figure out how to let go, Let go of the chronic need for control, Let go of this girl, the one with the reflection I don’t even know. The girl whose eyes hold pain, Who’s lived in a condescending bubble, Surrounded by fear. I don’t know her, I don’t want to be her, But I want to save her. In order to do that I have to let her go, Move forward, no looking back, Get over myself and live life again. Regain the faith I’m missing, Learn how to trust in these unseen plans, Because He holds the world in His hands. Plain and simple, Faith and trust minus the pixie dust.

“Internal Dialogue of an Overfilled Mind,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

Here is this girl, she has no idea what is in store. She lives in her own broken little world, trying to piece it all back together. Life has been the way life is; difficult but beautiful, overwhelming with the overtaking of time, a race that we’ve not asked to be on but still running the course, just trying to keep up and reach that checkered black and white line. She lives in a bubble within the walls she’s built up around her. Walls that were formed to keep everything out; everything that aches, everything that causes pain. An isolated existence; small, simple, average. She’s been focused on just trying to survive, just getting by, and walking that straight line. She’s been watching as life passes her by. Recently she’s beginning to open her eyes, dancing with the idea of letting something more inside. She’s entertaining the idea of dreaming, re-awakening those things that she used to believe in. Taking in a deep breath and stepping into the unknown -- releasing those things that have had that hold, putting a pin in the bubble that she’s been in.

“A Prologue,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

I struggle with recognizing what is missing, Masking the issues of my existence, Working through which are lies and which are truths. Avoiding eyes because I'm afraid they can see the emptiness inside, Like my pupils are a neon light sign, Advertising the vacancy in my mind. I'm scared to let anyone in, I guard myself like a closed door with a chain lock, I might budge and you can try to get through but you’ll get stuck. I’m all locked up, Security tight like there’s something really valuable about my life, But I fear that someone’s going to break through to find there’s really not more than meets the eye. Believing from deep within that I’m nothing special, A mundane essence, Plain and simple, average. No treasure to be found here, Fool’s gold, A desolate box carried around by human flesh. I believe that love is infinite but unattainable, Unable to imagine it finding me, Scared that I’m not enough to be loved. I fear my flaws are a little too much, That the wears and tears depreciate my value, That my scars take away from my worth. Full of brokenness, Carrying around this emptiness, Every sign of progress disappearing into the black hole that floats above my head. Searching for my purpose, Wondering if I’m actually worth it, If I can really carry this calling. Letting this weight burden me, But this weight is not meant to bury me, He said His burden is light and that’s why He’s asked to carry mine. I’m looking through these distorted glasses, Seeing me from this evil perspective, A perspective in which His word contradicts. And this is where I begin to fight the narrative in my head, Where I reject the things that the enemy has said, Because the One who is above all says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made in His image, He breathed into me the breath of life so that I can glorify Him, The One who formed me in the palm of His hands. This vacancy is not mine to fill, I’m supposed to put it in His hands, Trust that He really does have a plan. This brokenness is not mine to mend, He’s the only One who can put me back together again, He’s the only One that can make sure all these pieces fit. These trust issues have welded themselves to who I am, Believing the lies that I can depend on myself, Recognizing that I have to relearn how to trust Him. Accepting the fact that I’m not really alone, Finding assurance in the unknown, Trusting the things that I can’t see. Trying to reignite the life within me, Awaken the love lost in the deepest parts of my being, Giving myself a permanent break from all the hate. This is not a cry for help, Just an essay full of honesty, An illustration of humility, exposing the darkest parts of me. Healing is a progress, Identifying the issue is the first step, I have to learn how to love myself. Accepting there is more than one vacancy, One to be taken by the One who holds it all for me, And the other to open up with healing and maybe even a new beginning. It’s okay to not be okay, Just as long and you’re not trying to stay that way, Vacancies aren’t meant to be vacant forever.

“Vacancies,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

What does it mean to be loved? It’s been brought to my attention that although I recognize the value of love, I recognize that I don’t want to settle for anything less, But I don’t understand what it means to be loved. I know my family loves me, I know my friends love me, I know God loves me, But I struggle with understanding how I can be loved “unconditionally.” Love has been defined by what it is and what it is not (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), Love is patient and kind, Love does not envy or boast, Love is not arrogant or rude, Love is not stubborn or set in it’s own way, Love is not irritable or resentful, Love is not vengeful, Love will not rejoice in your downfall, Love rejoices in truth, it bears all things, Love believes all things, hopes all things, Love endures all things, love never ends. The unconditional is what gets me, God is love (1 John 4:16), Love is the basis of who God is, His love is so unconditional that He chose death for me to live. I can accept unconditional love for everyone else, But I don’t love myself therefore that’s why I doubt, That’s where I reject love’s definition, Because I feel broken beyond recognition. My view of love has been skewed, Always waiting for someone else to come through, Someone to love me for me, Which is unfair because I don’t even love me for me. How can you expect love from someone else when you can’t love yourself? I believe that is where love without end begins, Deep inside yourself, Loving every aspect of you. I want to love my smile, I want to love the “extra” on my thighs, I want to love my waist even when it adds space, I want to love my face even during the breaks, I want to love my eyes and how I think one is just a little too wide, I want to love my smile even when it appears crooked when I stare at it for a little while, I want to love the freckles that blanket my face, I want to love the stretch marks that are drawn up both of my sides, I want to love the cellulite, I want to love that weird little toe, I want to love my nose, I want to love my hair even when it is hard to bear, I just want to love this skin I’m in. I want to look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful, Beautiful for the obvious reasons, But most importantly beautiful for how I treat people, A beauty that reflects my heart. I want to unashamedly love things, I don’t want to apologize for my weird taste, I want to live life in every way, To appreciate the good and the bad, the big and the small. I want to recognize my passions, I want to invest in my interests, I want to become my own person, A person who steps out this box I've been in. I didn’t recognize how much I was hurting myself, I didn’t recognize how I looked down on myself, It’s time to change perspective, It’s time to get better, It’s time to love myself. So here’s to a new adventure, Discovering who I am, A re-introduction, Learning how to start a love without end.

“Re-Introduction to Love,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

At what point did I click the self-destruct button? When did I become so numb? When did I disconnect? When did I give up? I feel like I'm running But I'm not actually moving. I'm exhausted but I've done nothing, I'm just going through the motions. Watching my life through a window; Wondering when I got locked out, Where I went and how to get back in? I just want to get back in. There's this part of me, The part that's still fighting, Screaming through the window, But it appears I'm not being heard. I look at that person on the other side, She has my face and my eyes, But she's empty inside. I watch as she's just getting by. She's the shell of who I was, The container of what I've become. This is what depression does, It leaves you to crumble like the dust you're made from. It gnaws at you, Breaks you piece by piece, Until it appears that there is nothing left, Until you're a broken mess. Depression drains you, It takes everything it can from you, It picks and nags at you 24/7, It's relentless. Depression overshadows everything that's you, It changes your face and the way you think, It feels like you've been chained, Like it's impossible to escape. Depression appears to have full control, But there's that still small voice, The voice that speaks up in the middle of the storm, The voice that rises up to keep me alive. I don't want to think of where I'd be if that voice went silent, I don't want to know how much of me would be lost, I don't want to see who I would be if I didn't have God on my side, He's the reason I can wake up the next day. I get out of bed, I fix my hair, I face the day, I endure the noise of depression and anxiety. If I didn't have God I wouldn't recognize that they're lying to me, Depression only appears to have this hold on me, An illusion brought on by the stress and lies, God's the only reason I'm going to be alright.

“Stranger in the Mirror,” MW

[mwjumbledwords]

When it feels like I'm drowning, When the water overtakes me and I'm fighting for my breath, You're the force that fights gravity and brings me up to air again. When anxiety hides the truth from me, When depression has it's way with me, You're the light that shines through to open my eyes. When I don't remember who I am, When I feel as though I've lost myself, You step in and illuminate the sin I'm in. When I forget about your mercy and grace, When I question how You could love me, You wrap me in Your arms and remind me of who You are. You love the deepest parts of me, Your love goes beyond my understanding, I'm astounded that You'd leave the ninety-nine for me. You comfort me when I'm hurting, You heal the pain that I've caused myself, You pick up the pieces of this heart I've allowed to fall off the shelf. I fail You constantly, And still You come for me, How can I explain Your love and mercy? When I fall, where does it hurt You? When my heart is distant, do You feel pain? When I don't speak, are You still listening for me? When I run, You're still calling me, When I don't lay it all down, You're still holding me up, But wouldn't it be so much easier if I'd just surrender? What would happen if I would give up that desire for control? What would happen if I'd just let You work? What would happen if I would seek You first? Why is it so hard to just lay it all down? Why is there so much struggle in surrender? Why do I question when faith is the substance of things hope for and the evidence of things unseen? You've told me You know the plans You have for me, Plans You made before I was even formed in the womb, Plans to prosper me, give me hope and a future. You promised to never leave me, You told me You would fight for me, You've proven that You will never fail me. Your word is true, You're a perfect Father, You're the arms that I run to. You're patient and kind, Your love is never ending, A spring that will never run dry. You're the hope that I cling to when I want to run and hide, You pull me out of the darkness and into Your marvelous light, You've never failed me and You never will. Thank You is inadequate, Thank You will never be enough, You gave Your life for me, now it's time for my sacrifice.

“Who You Are,” MW