mxatomicbomb

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my mom's being homophobic meanwhile i'm reading nick and charlie fanfiction in front of her and trying to keep a straight face <3

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heartstopper + my inbox [part 3]

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my name is - skz

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monday 05/23/2022 ; 7:29 pm

when you're burnt out but at least there's still stray kids

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1, 2/X

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me: i hate tropes

*the blonde golden retriever boyfriend is in love with the dark haired boyfriend with self esteem issues trope exists*

me: oh my god the blonde golden retriever boyfriend is in love with the dark haired boyfriend with self esteem issues

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monday 05/23/2022 ; 2:40 pm

dear god. i really dislike school. can i possibly quit?

today, i am preoccupied with spotify. and attraction.

do you ever feel pressured to like someone? anyone at all? because i was scrolling thru some of my friend’s spotify playlists, and 99% of people had a sort of ’liking people’ playlist or pining or whatever you’d like to call it. is all of that real? do they all feel it for real? becuase i’ve had to fake attraction before. sigh.

on another note, i am so fricken excited for summer.

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stray kids as tumblr posts (insp.)

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sunday 05/22/2022 ; 8:20 pm

isn't it terrifying knowing thinking you like someone? for me i've struggled with comphet for always because i've gone to "all-girls" schools all my life (spoiler alert: i'm genderqueer and so was half my class) and therefore was not exposed to the male gaze, or really interacted seriously with many cis dudes. so when i suddenly began to find people from other places attractive and they were boys, i freaked out. i was the blushy awkward type. i've sort of grown out of that?? maybe. lmao.

so here's a list of how to identify if it's comphet (based off my own experiences...):

compare your attraction to the "opposite gender" to attraction you've felt for your gender. (are you focused on your outward appearance in both cases or only in one? do you think about them a lot if both cases or only in one? etc.) for me, a lot of my liking someone symptoms are the same for all genders... except when they're not.

are there outside forces pressuring you to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender (for example: parents, friends, even just seeing a straight passing couple on tiktok)

are you attracted to this person or just find them attractive? like are you admiring that they're real nice and gorgeous or do you want them to like you?

well. i should evaluate this with my current crush. let's say his name's udon. because that's my favorite food and he's japanese, like the food. i'm also japanese. fun fact. yeah. japanese-american.

the attraction i feel to udon is rather like the attraction i felt for my ex and previous crushes.

yes. two of my friends semi-recently got together. i am also sorta lonely.

i can't tell. according to my friends, he's not incredibly physically attractive, so i guess that's different??

so. maybe i do like him. that's terrifying. liking someone is terrifying. i've been in relationships before and it doesn't get any less terrifying except for when you're in the relationship and it's amazing. but anyway. that's a story for another time. whoop.

udon is a very sweet guy. he seems chronically sleepy. he likes cup-o-noodles and chips ahoy. he has mommy issues. also daddy issues. he's athletic but not especially active (like meeeee). he has a genuine smile. he seems to like encouraging people.

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sunday 05/22/2022 ; 7:49 pm

do you ever feel like you're constantly comparing yourself to everyone? and i don't necessarily mean in the cliche "she's so much prettier than me" way. more in the way that you look at someone and it's like you're looking at what you could be right now if you hadn't done that one thing a few months back, and if you had just pushed through instead of burning out.

anyway that's how i feel about my friend. teammate. let's call her riley.

i just feel that she's the better, more attractive version of me. i'm not exactly jealous. just sad. everything makes me sad lately ngl...

i mean, i still love her with all my heart...

also i miss the old days with her. we'd fire questions back at each other because we knew each othe rso well but somehow didn't know the easy stuff, like who's your favorite music artist? (her: mxmtoon, me: the killers or maybe stray kids) and what's your favorite book? (her: the fault in our stars, me: the westing game) and shittttttttt