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reflections #2

I named it #2 because it feels weird to have a first post on "reflections." too much pressure.

but, okay. this is me going back to writing down the things that my nogging is saying. i really really really *really* need it.

i'm going to start by describing something insane. like, my past self would be freaked out (in a good way) about the following description.

i wake up every morning to the sun in my eyes. so far, at least, the sun is there. and i am... guess where i am. i am in my apartment. i don't live with my parents. i have a roommate, my sibling, and we work so well together. we had growing pains when we first moved out of our home together... pero now i feel like it's easier to communicate. and then i also have plants i tend to every two weeks or so, and they have not died. and also, i can pay rent. the apartment is not too big, but given the fact that we live in a gentrified city (IN A DIFFERENT STATE, BY THE WAY), still makes me proud. like, we've been able to survive so far. and we do groceries consistently. sometimes i do falter and spend some dimes in takeout, pero eso no importa 'cause i can still save sometimes and then we go back to having enough cash to pay for utilies, internet and other small expenses. i can't believe i'm doing this. oh, and something crazy is that now our neighbors recognize us, and... get this, one of them asked us to exchange phones in case there is an emergency, and today she dropped off some leftovers she had from some family reunion... and the food was amazing! and omg, i don't have a car and i feel scared trying to drive again, pero we have bus passes and we ride around the city and also outside of it when needed. it's amazing. we are doing this withouth our parents help. and we're staying afloat.

i remember being 13, 14 and imagining a future for myself. and this is exactly what it looked like. i never wanted anything too crazy. just wanted independence and agency. and now i have it.

it's crazy, b*tch! but i got it...

i mean, yes, this country has drained my dreams in different and in all kinds of ways, there are a lot of personal things i have to work on, and i don't have a retirement plan (thanks amerikkka), but i still have what i wanted. my own space. not having anyone else tell me how to live my life (except for the state, pero eso lo hablamos luego). also, i'm less scared of making people uncomfy when i speak spanish. or when i share something sad about my story. i don't care as much. i let people sit with the uncomfortably because i went through shit... i went through it, and all they do is hear about it. so if i went through it and i'm alive, the least they can do is listen and think.

ok ok, this is probably all over the place, but something else i've been thinking about is... my sexual orientation. oh, yeah, i also go to therapy every two weeks (i've been going for a year now!), so that's that. so today in therapy i finally shared this part of me. i shared that i've always known that i don't like people conventionally. that i need the time and space to get to know someone (regardless of gender), and then BOOM, i feel stuff. i didn't know that that was something other people didn't feel. but i've been pretty bad at accepting it. because i'm scared that some part of me is making this shit up so that i act like i'm cool.

like in high school before we moved to the U.S., i kissed a girl due to a spin the bottle situation... and it felt great. it wasn't, like, magical, but it was great. and that's when i knew i felt attracted to girls. and then i thought about it and realized that i still feel attracted to boys. and to people who present in different ways. sometimes i have preferences, but it always boils down to how people actually make me feel. the oversexualization of other people's bodies isn't something i was super into growing up... so i definitely need some time to sort out what i feel for people when i meet them. it's exhausting... but hey, it's my truth. so today i brought up a thought that i've been grapling with... and it's the possibility that my idea of romance with cis-het men... is made up. it's comp-het. like, i knew about comp-het, but i don't think i truly thought about my personal relationships with doodes like that. like, i always knew i hated dudes that made me feel uncomfortable about my agency... or about my body. but recently, i've been dissecting why i am so anxiously attached to doodes sometimes. and i have recently found out that i probably believed that taking care of people's feleings is what true love is about. but i've never experienced a relationship where someone meets me hafway. i'm always doing the emotional work. and i say this with some authority cause i know myself.... but i also want to point out that i haven't dated as much... so i don't have that many examples. HOWEVER, i also replicate this in my friendships with men. and it's brought me problems with a particular friend of mine who i freaking love... so that's why i started dissecting why i kept wanting to care so much for his heart. i realized that i was also doing this for a coworker! it's insane. so i'm trying to figure out what it is that i have felt for boys and men growing up. was it actually attraction, or was it the illusion of it due to comp-het and patriarchy?

[my-mindbody-problem]

Just because you’re used to it, doesn’t mean it’s okay

Unknown (via thoughtkick)

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[my-mindbody-problem]

[my-mindbody-problem]

Memoria de la ausencia

La ausencia es una porción adelantada de muerte. Es no estar afuera ni adentro. Es una cárcel fétida signada por la condena de la nostalgia. Es una calle plena de máscaras. Es estar de rodillas sobre las huellas del amor como esa pordiosera que ayer en el parque aguardaba su limosna… Días y días de rodillas, como la pordiosera sobre el duro y frío asfalto del recuerdo.

– Beatriz Vanegas Athías.

[my-mindbody-problem]

i was gonna wait to make a first post after a long time, and i was gonna make it special

but today i spent a day with my former teaching friends and i had superb night. i have to share it on here immediately, without a second thought. just feeling and moving along... as easy as it felt today. i am so thankful for these people and i hope i can remember this in the future

[my-mindbody-problem]

sometimes im like…..what is the point of all this ??? and then i hang out with the people i love, and for a brief moment, i see

[my-mindbody-problem]

something i wish i had realized earlier: you can write poems on the same subject more than once. you can write, paint, draw the same thing over and over if you want to. you can spend your whole life making art about oranges. i think i always felt this pressure to get it right the first time like i couldn’t go back and use that inspiration again. but you can. you can go back and revisit it. you can pick up the conversation again and again if you have more to say.

[my-mindbody-problem]

No puedes salvar a la gente. Solo las puedes amar.

– Anaïs Nin.

[my-mindbody-problem]

2017: A Review

This year I did so many things, I hadn’t even realized how important they had been.

*In 2017, I got my first car. It wasn’t only mine, I shared it with my sister, but this was amazing. Our boss sold us her old Toyota Camry from ‘98. It was gold. And I practiced my driving despite of being scared of being deported by a police officer thanks to Trump. But I was such a cautious driver, that I was never pulled over.

*This year, I also left my host’s home after being sheltered there for a year. It was sad because I knew I’d miss little Sophia. But I needed to do it. I was starting to feel like a burden. After leaving their home. I went by to my parents’, and I decided to make their home mine. Like, feel comfortable again there. 

*This year, he visited us from his hometown to celebrate his and my sister’s birthday during February. We went bowling. You should have seen Eloisa’s face when she realized he was picking us up from school.

*After that, during the last week of February, our cousin Michel came to visit from Mexico. We also had a blast. I missed him so much! We went roller skating, and filmed part of our days around Dallas for his vlogs. I remember feeling a bit empty after he left...

*Then, my sister and I attended a Mitski concert at Club Dada. We also got to meet her!! God, how many people get to actually talk to their idol/muse of sadness, music, and poetry! She sent a message to Fernanda, promising she’d go visit and play in Mexico for her. I still can’t believe I hugged Mitski Miyawaki!

*During May, we also did our best to afford Six Flags, and went with Azucena and Oscar! It was so much fun, but expensive lmao

*During the spring semester, I took a philosophy class, and also ended up joining the Philosophy Club at my university. I loved the discussions, and the movie nights.

*During summer, I joined the Center for Children and Families as a volunteer for a month while going to work. for their new program for moms. “Comenzando Bien.” 

*And then, during the fall, I went back to school with a pocketful of scholarships and some extra cash from work. I then, joined the CCF as a volunteer again for their ongoing program “Juega Conmigo” where I found I enjoy teaching and also learning about toddlers’ development!

*This year, I also started a bullet journal. It helped me so much with scheduling studying time among all the other things I had to do (volunteer time and work). I enjoyed every bit of it. I didn’t know I could draw so nicely on margins, or that I could allocate time so effectively like I started doing due to this way of journaling. It takes a lot of self-discovery, too. I’m still learning, so I’ll do my best to keep it up for 2018!

*Then, during October, I quit my job after realizing how toxic the environment had become. Many of the old employees who had either been fired or had also left were indispensable for me at work. The team that came with the new manager was so different and unprofessional, I couldn’t stand it. So I said, “To Hell with these people!” I felt very adultish. Also, I know I was being underpaid, so I definitely did not need that kind of vibe in my life as a 21 year old.

*During November, I went to one of my friend’s dad’s funeral. They are a family from Myanmar, and for the first time in a long time I experienced the truth about grief: it feels the same in every and any language. She was the older daughter, so when she gave a brief speech about her dad in Burmese, I started crying. I could see the sadness in her eyes, in the trembling of her lips, but I could also see how hard she tried to keep a straight face. Then she cried her eyes out in front of her family and friends, while I was sitting to her left, trying not to do the same. This, of course, is a sad memory, but it’s one out of the many I have counted so far...  

*Then on December, the very last week of classes, Elo and I went to a Lady Gaga concert! It was so expensive as well, but hey! I had a fucking blast jamming to oldies by her, and to some of the songs from her new album Joanne!!

*Then, trying to make our home feel more like *our home* Elo and I painted the living room! It went from a sad, dark green to a light mint, and the parallel wall became white. It feels like more light enters the room, so it feels better to be there. 

*Then last but not least, I went and got a drink with him for the first time. He visited us for Christmas. WE actually spent Christmas Day with him and his dog at the lake. It was so much fun to spend such a nice and cold day with people I genuinely loved; no drama. Then, we went to get that drink a few days later. We talked about some deep stuff (not too deep, we both were very sleepy). I ended up overthinking what I had said after this, so I wrote him a note full of, this time, very deep stuff about me and my goals. Then, on the 30th, I turned 22, and everything felt fine.

And here we are now! I can’t wait to see what 2018 will bring. Certainly. a lot of uncertainty, just like other years, but I promise myself to make more adult-like decisions, and to become a better small-talker. Let’s see how this goes!

[my-mindbody-problem]

12/09/17

Today while watching this video

I realized what I wanted to do with my life. I guess, in a philosophical way, when I embarked in my career in psychology, my main goal was to help people get through life. Specifically, help children and adolescents get through their infancy and teenage years. I knew at age 15 that being a teenager was difficult as fuck, and I would’ve liked to have an older friend to look up to at an earlier age. When  I was 17, two years later, I found an “adult” friend who helped me navigate my awkward life with ease. So I decided then, that I wanted to be some sort of model for younger people when I grew up.  

It didn’t matter how I got to be one. I was between becoming a middle school teacher (though middle schoolers scared me then), or being a child psychologist, or being a social worker, etc.

 I figured psychology would help me more. In part because it would directly help me deal with people, but also because it would allow me to understand development better. 

I have been feeling very lost lately. I’m about to turn 22, and I still live at home and commute to college. I don’t have a driver’s license and I sometimes forget to pack myself a lunch for work/community service. My circumstances are weird and I don’t think I have the courage to explain them yet, but my life is pretty frustrating right now. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to be hired in the United States as a child psychologist.

However, today after watching this video, I remembered my main goal; being a role model. This meant helping younger generations understand how the world works and listening to their own hypothesis of this. 

I know I can do it, even more now that I’m about to graduate with a double major in Psychology and Child Learning & Development. I just needed to remember who I wanted to become.

[my-mindbody-problem]

Well, hello, there...

I’m still not sure how this blog will go about. I was thinking I would freely just type what’s on my mind because recently it’s been feeling so full. I know that I could go out and walk to clear my headspace to get rid of all this junk, but I recently have not felt motivated to do anything at all.

I’ve recently started working up something… but I’ll start from the beginning.

I have been feeling like I’m not me anymore. When I’m out and talk to other people, I lose them in the conversations, and that leads to a lot of awkward silence, which no one enjoys. The silence even makes me, the most introverted person I know, uncomfortable. Other times, when I enter a room, people smile at me nicely as a way of letting me know they have acknowledged my presence… but for some reason I don’t do anything to reciprocate that gesture. And I’m aware it makes me look rude. I have also noticed that I have not done the things that used to make me feel good; I stopped playing piano, and I stopped going out to run, I stopped listening to my favorite artists, and I stopped reading cool books. Now I only read the news and get angry while reading them… may be the government has something to do with my unhappiness… Maybe not!

So, yeah, I have forgotten how to be me. You know how in psychology they tell you that your sense of self has many parts? Among the many is your ideal self, aka the person you’d like to be. Not like in the future, it’s more like now. It’s more like, “what kind of person do you want to be?” less like “what kind of person do you aspire to be?” because the latter is more about reaching future goals. The first one is a more active state of managing your *self*; it’s about who you are now and how you present yourself to others currently.

Well, I know that I used to have an ideal self. I know that I wanted to be a girl that other people perceived as interesting, yet quiet. Like any introverted person who likes to talk to people but needs a little push, I wanted to be the perfect amount of interesting. That’s why I began listening to the type of music I thought other people would be interested in listening about. It’s why I began to read the types of books I was reading. I wanted to bring interesting thoughts and ideas to common conversations. This way, when people weren’t as intimidated by me, when they passed beyond just judging me for my clothes, they’d find out I was just a girl trying to make sense of the world, just like them. And that worked! It worked perfectly. I was around 16 when I realized that being the perfect amount of interesting helped me socialize better. It was like a balance between who I really was and a person who everyone wanted to meet. I must disclose, though, I wasn’t as popular. Nonetheless, I did find a lot of awesome friends who actually ended up being my best friends. Today, five years later, I still talk to some of them.

But today… well, today my capability of “attracting” new people into becoming friends with me is null. Completely. There’s nothing I give to anybody. When people ask me how my day went, I just say, “Great.” And fear they’ll think I’m boring, so I switch the focus of the conversation to them and say, “how was yours?” and they begin to talk… but, for some inexplicable reason, instead of saying something nice—as shallow as it could be but nice— I only nod and smile. Sometimes this gesture becomes monotonous and lame, and I know that that makes people think I don’t care about their day. And I hate it. But it’s just… for some reason, I have stopped being social.

You don’t know how long it took me to realize that this was the problem. See, about eight months ago, I began noticing that I was feeling very unhappy. Compared to other times, my days had become boring and monotonous –like my nod-and-smile combo for conversations—, and I wondered why. But I wondered about this for two months, and realized that it was because I had transferred to a university where a lot of people are nerdy, and honestly that made me feel less nerdy than I probably am. So I entered this new period of my life with fear and anxiety. So these fears and anxieties became defense mechanisms which later became behaviors that are rude but never meant to hurt anyone in particular which lead me to realize I didn’t have close friends, and this probably lead to my unhappiness. I realized that I was not feeling at home. And then add the fact that I commute to college, so I don’t have anything that keeps me on campus to socialize. My first two semesters there were basically like doing high school without extracurricular, and above all without friends. Not one friendly or familiar face was on campus. And if there was one in class, I’d… well, I’d make them go away with my nod-and-smile-then-awkward-silence combo. A lot of people had told me before I graduated high school that joining college organizations helped build relationships.

So I joined our on-campus Philosophy Club. At first it was very interesting, and I loved going to the discussions. I didn’t participate as much as I would’ve liked due to my stupid temperament and way of dealing with social… stuff. But I went to every discussion anyway. I was there. People didn’t really remember my name, but they knew my face… I was there. However, this semester I realized that… I. kind of. wasn’t. Because whenever I presented myself to the new members, I would tell lies. Not horrible lies, but the things I would say about myself weren’t entirely true. One day I’d present myself as a neuroscience student who lived near campus, “so my commute isn’t as bad as other people’s.” Another day, I remember I presented myself as a major in child development who had come directly from Mexico as an exchange student. There was only one person, besides my sister, in that club who actually knew who I was because the first time I had presented myself to him I had been honest. He was the president of the club and he was friendly… but he was distant. I feel he kind of noticed that I was being “overly shy” so he kind of avoided making conversation with me in front of the other people who I had lied to…  Fuck, can you believe I was so shy to present my true self, my true story that I decided to lie a couple of times? About me? What kind of betrayal is that? How stupid was I? No, first of all, what the fuck was I trying to hide?

Well, that is what I will try to talk about here. I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but I am suspicious that the United States Presidential Elections of 2016 triggered the impersonator in me, which lead to… well, my current unhappiness. So this is the story of my shitty two years as an impostor of myself and how I’m working back on being me again.