my-thoughts-downloaded

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

Doing things on my own terms is so damn empowering.

No forcing.

No rushing.

On my time.

In my way.

What I like.

What I decide.

What I need.

Sometimes losses are actually wins.

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

Just had a cool idea for anyone hoping to find or solidify a romantic relationship this year. Write a pretend social media post announcing your new love. What would it say? Here���s mine:

In the 2 years since my divorce, I found myself constantly going back and forth on whether I’d ever be in a serious relationship again. This wasn’t because I felt like I just wanted to be alone for the rest of my life, but more because I wasn’t sure if I would ever find someone I’d connect with deeply enough to want to spend the rest of my years with them. I had become bitter and skeptical of love, questioning what it really means, if it’s possible to achieve, and if it even exists. I knew I needed to take time to self-reflect and sit with my feelings, analyze my life’s decisions, accept and learn from my mistakes, and heal emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually. Once I developed a more positive mindset and began to date, I met a man who eventually restored my faith in love. <INSERT NAME HERE> came along and showed me how it feels to be seen, heard, understood, and validated in a relationship. The way he pursued me taught me what it means to be valued and desired for everything that I am, good and bad. He is patient and understanding, kind and generous, and so damn fine. I knew he was special when I felt an instant comfort around him that allowed me to open up, and he felt the same about me. We have similar backgrounds and experiences and continue to bond over our respective journeys. Like me, he took time to prepare for a relationship, so his maturity, positivity, and realistic expectations made it easy to see us together. We are both willing to put in the hard work and effort it takes to make things work, and I cannot wait to be with him forever.

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

Back Like I Never Left

Tumblr just let me know that my last post was 3,999 days ago. Although a ton has changed in my life and in the world during that period, many (too many) things are exactly the same. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

As I read through my previous blogs from 2011, I couldn’t help but to pat myself on the back for effortlessly creating such relatable, witty, and vulnerable content. I’ve gotten slightly better over the years at giving myself kudos, and I can honestly say that I have a knack and a passion for writing. I’ve never taken any formal writing courses or journalism training. I am by no means an expert on English grammar or spelling. I’m definitely not a vocabulary wizard. I just simply have a lot to say and writing helps me clearly express the millions of thoughts swirling around in my mind at any given time.

So WHY have I gone YEARS without putting pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard)? Well, it probably has something to do with all of the flaws and negative personality traits I set out to conquer in 2011 - fear of failure, extreme procrastination, lack of self-discipline, and a host of other characteristics that have prevented me from being my best self for much of my life. Almost 4,000 days later, here I am struggling with many of the exact same issues.

If you’re a logical thinker like I am, your question is “What brings you back now?” Well, let me paint a brief picture of my current situation to provide some perspective. It’s the third day in January, and I have always been a person who gets super excited about the energy of a new year, which is what prompted me to start blogging in 2011. The difference this time around is that I’m now a 43 year old woman who, within the last 3 years, has experienced divorce, retirement, raising teenage kids, and a pandemic, all of which resulted in damage to my sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self-image, value, mental health, outlook on love and happiness, and overall well-being. If THAT’S not a reason to blog, I don’t know what is.

The bottom line is that expressing myself through writing helps me release thoughts and feelings that I typically keep locked inside of myself. I look at this activity as a means to continue my journey of self-awareness, process unresolved emotions, create new and healthy mindsets, and to simply become a better version of myself. More importantly, I’m hoping that I can somehow help others, friends and family especially, who I know for a fact are struggling with very similar issues.

I won’t dare make a bold declaration right now that I’ll blog daily or weekly or anything crazy like that, but I definitely won’t wait 3,999 days for my next post. 🤦🏾‍♀️😒

Until next time…

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

Stepping Up

Taking action - that's what 2011 is about.  I've realized that over the years, I've held myself back from pursuing so many things because of my fear of failure.  I hate messing up and I hate being wrong.  Of course, those things don't happen very often, but when they do, I never forget them.  I remember completely screwing up a copy job when I was an intern at a law firm one summer in high school.  A paralegal brought me a huge stack of papers, some with tabs and some without tabs.  She wanted me to only make copies of the papers with tabs. Instead, I pulled the tabs off and copied the whole stack.  She was pissed and I was embarrassed.  To this day, I can't go near a copy machine without experiencing some level of anxiety.  

I often think about all of the things I would have done had I not been afraid of messing up.  I wanted to play basketball in high school, but the possibility of missing a shot in front of a crowd held me back.  I was a scorekeeper instead.  I've never been the President, Team Lead, or Chairperson of anything, but I've volunteered to help with more events and projects than I can count.  It always sucks to see people get recognition for doing something that you KNOW you could have done better.  That's the story of my life...up until now.  No more playing the sideline.

Overall, there are just so many things I'd like to do, but I automatically tell myself, "You can't do that."  So I'm slowly adding to my list of "Things To Do," and I WILL do each and every one of them.  My list doesn't consist of only things that require me to be in a leadership position or step up and take charge...there are also some things I simply want to learn or accomplish because I'm interested in them.  Here is what I have so far:

- I want to take tennis lessons

- I want to go to cosmetology school and become a licensed make-up artist

- I want to teach a course at FTAC (stands for First Term Airmen Center - I'll have to explain later for you non-AF folks)

- I want to win more awards (quarterly, annual, squadron, group, wing...whatever)

- I want to start/finish this Intelligence Studies bachelor's degree and get a certificate in Homeland Security

- I want to do a photo shoot (not as the photographer...think ANTM)

- I want my own You Tube channel for product reviews, makeup tutorials, etc.

- I want to read the 9/11 Commission Report and The Bible

I'm sure some things on this list will surprise people, so I'll go ahead and comment for you.  YES, I do like to play sports and I'm actually somewhat athletic.  YES, I do like to read, but I don't do it nearly enough.  YES, I do want to do more than just my job at work.  The desire to go above and beyond is in me, I just have trouble pulling it out sometimes.  I want to be more out front - a leader instead of a follower, proactive instead of reactive, vocal instead of quiet.  I want to make things happen - not just for myself, but for the people around me.  I'm tired of letting my fear of failure, my procrastination, my tendency to start things and never finish them, etc. hold me back...especially when I see a lot of BS around me that needs to be addressed.  Now is my time to step up.  Wish me luck and stay tuned...

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

I'll Get Around To It...

My daily horoscope says, "Today marks the beginning of a new period in which you should set your ideas in motion. Action is the key."  Well, guess what?  I'm a huge procrastinator, so the word "action" is not really in my vocabulary.  I may not know myself 100%, but I do know that I have always been one to put things off for as long as humanly possible.  In high school, for example, I could have a month to write a paper, but would choose to do it the night before (sometimes the hour before) it was due. Was I SO busy that I just didn't have time to get to it?  Hell no.  My after school routine was to eat 3 or 4 packs of Now and Laters before taking a nap (in my clothes) until it was time to get up and go to bed for real.  Ahhh, those were the days!  My tendency to procrastinate has gotten a little better over time, but that's mainly due to the fact that I'm married to a man with a serious lack of patience who likes decisions to be made at the drop of a dime.  I've adapted (somewhat), but I still have a long way to go.  So 2011 is going to be my year to stop procrastinating and take action.  Action on what, you may ask.  Well, that's another post that'll have to wait until tomorrow.  In my defense, it is after midnight here and I'm exhausted!  Until then...

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

Thank God for Day Care

Kids are cute.  My kids are super cute.  I have an 8 year old son (Christian), a 2 year old daughter (Aniya), and an almost 9 month old (Mia).  Their grandparents would say they're perfect angels.  Now I won't go THAT far, but they are all extremely well-behaved, well-adjusted, awesome little kids.  Even thinking back on my pregnancies and deliveries, they caused me very few problems or complications.  No morning sickness, no high blood pressure, no bed rest.  They all came out healthy with 10 fingers (well, Mia actually had 12) and 10 toes.  Overall, they're simply great.  There is one issue though - not with them, but with me.  I don't like kids.  I never have, and I never will.  Don't get me wrong - I love them dearly.  Just thinking about anything bad happening to them gets me all choked up.  I take great care of them.  I play with them, read to them, and teach them things. They're hilarious, too.  Not a day goes by that I don't crack up laughing at something one of them said or did.  So what is it that I don't like about them?  Kids require you to completely commit to them and dedicate your whole life to responding to their needs and wants.  Kids totally tie you down.  Your life is no longer your own - it's theirs, for a LONG time...and that's not cool.

Let's go back to those Gemini traits I talked about in an earlier post to see why kids are an issue for me.  Geminis thrive on variety, change, and excitement.  Sorry, but there is absolutely NOTHING exciting about changing diapers EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Kids require structure and routine, whereas Geminis are flighty and like to switch back and forth between things. There is nothing worse for a Gemini than to feel stuck in a rut...and being a mom is like the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray repeated the same day over and over and over.  I don't mind having responsibilities, but kids are a responsibility that NEVER, EVER ends.  That scares me and makes me think, when am I going to get to be Keena again?  Having kids has changed who I am.  I'm not fun anymore.  I don't like to go places or do things because I'm afraid of getting the kids off schedule (nor do I like having to drag around car seats, diaper bags, bottles, toys, food, etc. just to leave the house).  I'm uptight.  Even having friends over stresses me out if they get too loud or stay over too late.  I'm on edge - especially when one of the kids is sick or fussy or off track for whatever reason.  I'm someone else...and I miss the old me.

Although I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, I often think about the days when I was free and uninhibited.  I could sleep all day if I wanted to.  I could party all night if I wanted to.  I could blow my paycheck at the mall if I wanted to.  I could spend the entire day doing my hair and makeup if I wanted to.  Now, I have to make a schedule just to go pee, and even that's not easy.  I tell myself that it won't be like this forever. Eventually the kids will grow up and won't want much to do with Mom or Dad.  Since I'm being honest here, I must say, that day can't come soon enough...

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

Soft as Cotton

I hate mushiness.  PDA makes me cringe.  Aside from kissing my little girl's cheeks or patting my son on the back, affection is something that I rarely give or easily accept. It's obvious too.  In fact, I think I'm rubbing off on my 8-year old son, who says he "hates the F word," which, in this case, is "Feelings."  In my decision to start this blog, I struggled with the fact that I would be talking about my feelings and emotions.  This borders on being mushy, and again, I hate mushiness.  It makes me feel vulnerable and exposed...kind of like I do in the mornings before my makeup and hair-of-the-day goes on.  But that's what I'm here to do - expose myself and figure out what Keena is all about.  So in doing that, I'm going to say this...I wish I could be more emotional.

Emotional people are like an open book.  Whether they're expressing joy, pain, excitement, or fear, they are free to let those feelings out.  I don't express my feelings well, at least not emotionally.  I am a logical person, almost to a fault.  I think decisions through, ponder on them, analyze them, take notes on them, draw diagrams on them - anything to keep from actually expressing how I feel about them.  Here's an example of a typical discussion with my husband.  Not one that actually took place, but a pretty accurate recreation of what would be said if this particular situation ever came up:

Husband:  How do you feel about me getting a motorcycle?

Me:  Well, I think that motorcycles are dangerous and this particular climate and terrain is not well suited for them.  In fact, over 4900 motorcyclists were killed in the US in 2007.  I wouldn't recommend that you get one.

Now what I REALLY want to say is "Oh God, no!  It's too dangerous and if anything bad ever happened to you, I wouldn't know what to do!"  But I won't let myself say that. And at this point, I have such a reputation for being unemotional, if I DID say that, my husband would ROTFL.  

It's not just bad emotions (sadness, loneliness, etc.) that I have trouble expressing, it's happy ones too.  I watch a lot of game shows and whenever I see someone screaming, clapping, and jumping up and down because they won, I always give them the gas face.  Who acts like that?  Do they realize how dumb they look?  But secretly, I'm jealous of those people.  They don't care that their shirt is lifting up, making their stomach fall out the bottom when they jump.  They don't care that their mouth is opened so wide when they scream that we can see all of their fillings and crowns. They're happy, they want the world to know, and that's okay with them.  

How did those people become that way?  I don't know.  I guess a better question would be how did I become the way that I am.  Looking at it logically (which is what I do best), I guess it's due to the fact that I didn't grow up in an emotional household.  My mother wasn't a crier, a yeller, a cusser, a hugger, or a kisser and neither was my dad. Don't get me wrong, I felt loved, but it was more of a logical love (like, parents are supposed to love their kids) than an emotional love.  We didn't tell each other "I love you," and I still have trouble saying that to people who I really do love very deeply. 

So how do I change?  Is it even possible for me to change?  I don't know.  I suppose it's just like everything else in life - in order to get better at it, I have to work on it.  It'll be baby steps for sure though.  If I just randomly hug and kiss my husband when he comes home today, he'd whip out a thermometer, check my temperature, and make me an appointment with the nearest psychiatrist for sure.  I can't change overnight, but I can, and will, change over time.  

So, on that note...love ya! (baby steps, remember) :)

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

If I Were a Bitch...

Adaptability - sounds like a good quality to have, right?  I consider myself to be very adaptable, as Geminis are said to be. Throw me in an igloo with Eskimos, and I'll learn how to ice fish with them. I know how to go with the flow, even if it isn't always easy. The downside to being adaptable is that it changes who I really am and affects how I truly want to respond to certain situations.  I can become who I need to be or who I am expected to be at the drop of a hat.  I thought about this in terms of the people I know, the categories they fit into, and how each group would respond if asked their opinion of me.  Close family members, for instance, would probably say that I'm quiet, moody, unconcerned, unemotional, withdrawn, and more concerned with myself than with anybody else. Friends would say that I'm light-hearted, easy to talk to, honest, generous, and a good listener.  Co-workers would say that I'm a reliable, trustworthy, friendly person with a great sense of humor who loves to smile (those adjectives have actually been documented in my performance reports).  I'm the queen of first impressions, whether it's a situation where I need to be professional, charming, cool and hip, diva-like, or anything else under the sun.  So whose perception is correct? The hell if I know.  I guess they all are to an extent.  However, my dual-natured persona has confused me to the point where I simply can't answer that question. Strange as it sounds, I envy that woman who is considered a "bitch" (we ALL know one!)  At least people KNOW what to expect from her.  She has a definition.  I am undefined, and that can make this journey of self-discovery very difficult.  I suppose instead of defining myself by listing each adjective mentioned above, I'll just stick with adaptable and pretend it's a good thing.  Later...

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

The Sign of the Twins

I've been taught that when you're attempting to research a particular subject, start with what you already know.  Well here are the specs on me:  I'm an African-American female, 32 years old (33 in May), married with 3 kids, born and raised in Saint Louis, Missouri.  I have 2 living parents, 4 older siblings (3 brothers, 1 sister), and a huge extended family (many of whom I don't know really well or even at all).  I'm a non-commissioned officer in the United States Air Force and I've worked in the Intelligence field for nearly 14 years. Now that I've provided enough information for someone to commit identity theft against me, let me state the most important fact about who I am. I am a Gemini.  Now I know many people don't believe in horoscopes and astrological jibberish, but I do...and I have found that about 90% of the supposed personality traits for a Gemini fit me to a T.  So now you may ask, what do "they" say about Geminis?  Well, here is an excerpt on Gemini traits from one of 1,117,840 websites covering this topic:

Gemini is an energetic, charismatic, communicative, witty individual  with a child-like fascination with the world and with new experiences.  The Gemini personality stands out as the zodiac sign that knows something about just about everything, making them good conversationalists and interesting acquaintances.  They are inquisitive and quick to digest new information and ideas.  Intelligent and logical, but with a lot of nervous energy, Gemini likes to keep busy and expand their horizons whenever opportunities arise, often multitasking between several interests.  However, as the sign of the Twins, there is a dual aspect  to the Gemini personality, making it difficult for these individuals to stick with any one thing in order to master it, and often making it difficult for bystanders to figure out which side their Gemini friend is really on.   Gemini has more than one personality, which can change in a flash, and those near to them would do well to learn them both.   On and off, up and down, back and forth, black and white, day and night, ying and yang - this is the essence of the Gemini personality.  Because of his superior communication skills and innate charm, Gemini usually does well at work, with others often seeking them out for advice and new ideas.  Conversely, the Gemini worker will not hesitate to seek others out for advice and ideas, always striving to stay on top of the information chain.  When interested, Gemini can accomplish more in a day than other signs can accomplish in a week.  When disinterested, however, the Gemini worker will procrastinate and eventually move on to more interesting pursuits.  No surprise then, that Gemini tends to change jobs and even careers several times during his lifetime.  The Gemini's office will have lots of communication devices including computer, phone, Blackberry, cell, and a rolodex full of names, and he will constantly be networking and seeking out new connections.  These same traits will also cause the Gemini to tend toward gossip, so if you want to hear the dirt on others, seek out your Gemini co-worker.  Gemini can function well in almost any job capacity that he finds interesting, especially those that require lots of communication and interaction with others.  With Gemini in a boss or leadership position, however, watch for a strong secretary or assistant that follows behind picking up pieces and finishing undone projects. Gemini wants to see the world, experience everything, and literally "learn something new every day."  He will be a fun and fascinating companion, but some may see him as superficial and "two faced" because his goal is to charm everyone all of the time.  On good days, he will be charming and gracious, but on bad days he can be moody and even cruel. Remember, with Gemini, the by-word is "changeable," so learn to expect anything!

I feel as if whoever wrote this has watched me on candid camera all of my life.  I'm not an astrologer and I'm not exactly sure how "they" come up with this stuff, but "they" did a damn good job describing my overall personality.  A few of these traits stand out so much that they warrant further explanation, which will ultimately force me to take a deeper look at myself.  Just the thought of that makes me cringe, but I'm determined to do it.  Stay tuned...

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

The Year of Introspection

So, I was born in 1978 and it's already 2011 (for those who are mathematically- challenged such as myself, I will soon be 33 years old).  Where did the time go?  Simple question, right?  Well, in a sense it is.  I can answer it by stating that for 5 years, I enjoyed my time as a kid; for 13 years, I attended elementary, middle, and high school; and for 14 years, I've been in the military.  What makes this question difficult is the fact that, in my 32 years of life, I have YET to figure out who I really am.  I came to this realization last week when I was asked to fill out a form aptly titled "Who Am I?" to be given to the Commander of my new unit prior to our Meet and Greet.  I got through the basics (name, birthdate, hometown, etc.) in a breeze.  Suddenly, the questions got a little bit harder. Interests?...Ummmm, I'm not sure.  Goals?...Hmmm, never really thought about that. What do you hope to gain from this assignment?...Uhh, hopefully no more than 5 pounds! These questions had me so flustered, I wanted to ask if I could take the form home and bring it back the following week!  However, in an effort to not seem like a weirdo, I filled out each blank with the "textbook" answers.  I mean, who doesn't like reading and taking long walks in the park?  I handed the form to the Commander's exec and quickly left the office...but the questions have been looming in my mind ever since.

Conveniently, a new year is upon us...and with a new year comes new year's resolutions.  So I, along with a billion other people, sat down to think about what I want to change, improve, add to, or remove from my life.  Besides the typical "lose weight, exercise regularly, drink more water," I decided that 2011 will be my year of introspection, which is defined as "observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes; the act of looking within oneself." (And yes, I had to look it up to make sure it was really a word!).  What better way to do this, I thought, than to keep a journal.  However, I quickly realized that it IS 2011 after all and nobody actually WRITES things with a pen and paper anymore, so I'll create a blog.  So here it is...my first post of many to come.  My goal here (I actually have a goal, huh?) is not to get more followers than Oprah...I just want an outlet to get to know myself and let others get to know me too.  Enjoy.  Until tomorrow...

[my-thoughts-downloaded]

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

eyeshadow