myheartisonthetrain - Tumblr blog

[myheartisonthetrain]

you guys ever look around your room and think wow im kinda gross. maybe i was just born to move constantly and this is what happens when you confine me

[myheartisonthetrain]

The Sand experience is definitely my favourite. Look at all these tiny watery solids. Like im playing with the stars

[myheartisonthetrain]

an older authority figure talks to me like a kind parent once and I'm already kicking my feet, crying myself to sleep and spending days and nights trying to figure out how to make them proud

[myheartisonthetrain]

it's funny how my attachment / crush on ß has changed over time, it's come in phases

phase 1 - just broke up and looking for somewhere to put my excess love, oh crap it looks like my sad girl hormones have synced up with an old man

phase 2 - butterflies in class, feeling gross, violently scribbling down poems and narrative concepts and drawings to help with the guilt, seeing him from a completely different perspective and wondering why i didn't see it sooner, frantic emails (ㅠ‸ㅠ)

phase 3 - fantasising every day, savouring everything he says, wishing he was my dad and my husband, crying nearly every night, thinking he was an angel, my heart dropping when i saw anyone who looked like him

phase 4 - trying to talk with him more, controlling my feelings and obsessing about them quietly, making it somewhat obvious i value him as a person, still crying, still fantasising to cope, not remembering everything he says, teasing

i wonder if he notices at all, all the embarrassing things i say, all the changes in behaviour, the way i stare attentively when he's talking. i mean he's got to if he cares, right? just a little bit. he remembers the bands i like, that i said i was interested in stand-up (i don't even remember telling him that), he's vaguely compared me to his daughter (she likes art and writing too) and i've vaguely compared him to my dad (telling them the same jokes and comparing reactions.)

unpopular opinion but i hope he knows. if he knew that i'm louder around my friends when he's there, that i have a whole pinterest board of him and my ß feelings, that i wonder how he was when he was my age, if he'd think i was cool, and that when i put my head on my desk it's so i can process how i feel in his class, in his presence.

maybe then he'd see how desperate i am, maybe he'd be willing to see through my eyes.

maybe then he'd say 'really, sweetheart?'

[myheartisonthetrain]

very bad day that could've been better but i didn't consider that most people my age for some reason will not come to school in non uniform on an optional non uniform day and instead will laugh at people (open their mouths) and objectify you to filth (look at you weirdly) if you look different and as soon as i walked in felt butt naked so i sat in a room for 4 hours and the one next to it for 2, trying desperately not to be perceived or look down (boobs are now evil) Mj wasn't even in what a scam but the other teacher she shares an office with was really nice and gave me chocolate ∩^ω^∩ she makes me miss having a grandma sometimes im ngl but anyways could've been a confident weapon, instead withered in embarrassment for a day and i regret everything (i literally looked so normal but sensory issues told me my skin was wrong and trauma told me to be scared of everyone) didn't even talk to my friend who's in some deep family shit and now i'm gonna have to assume she's okay and that her gf knows what's happening but aauhh 🐼 if you can hear me from the void please scream at it back

anyway new goal: come to terms with skin and people's potential judgement of my physical body of which i have no control over

i've already nearly mastered the basics of people judging my personality and i've never felt better! (i'm lonely and purposeless)(but i stopped people pleasing because i didn't want people to take care of me anymore and actually developed my own persona and sense of confidence instead of religiously watching will wood interviews, pretending i look like jenna ortega and developing kyoko sakura's value set)

[myheartisonthetrain]

i hate thinking about my future in terms of jobs like wdym follow your heart i have never been excited to go anywhere i was a child who liked watching ballet videos, observing how people talk to each other and organising rocks in height order and none of those things sound appealing when i have to do them in order to keep living in a system i don't agree with

[myheartisonthetrain]

when you tell a joke and he gives u one of those private smiles >>>>

[myheartisonthetrain]

dont worryyy you and me wont be alone no more - car seatheadrest

reblog w the song lyrics in your head NOW. either stuck in yr head or what yr listening to

[myheartisonthetrain]

haven't had much to say recently i've been conventionally nonverbal but if i had to sum my thoughts up in an image i think i'd pick this one

[myheartisonthetrain]

guyssss look what a friend of mine found!! So there's this game called Spirit City: Lofi Sessions and it's like the Lofi Girl videos on Youtube, but you can actually make an own character, set a timer, make a to-do list, set up the atmosphere etc.

BUT. The reason why I tell you all this (besides it genuinely being a wonderful game): You could make your tc or a younger version of them (or you know, just anyone) and kinda pretend you're studying with them hahaha, wouldn't that be cute? I mean just loookkkk it's so cozy and cuuuteee

[myheartisonthetrain]

thinking back to when Mj called me a mini english teacher and i was like absolutely not. never. and she said you keep telling yourself that.

the only ex student i know she keeps in touch with is now an english teacher btw

[myheartisonthetrain]

tw s/h relapse, disassociation and meltdown description

something bad happening, reaching for a blunt object and half cutting yourself before realising what you're doing and then looking down at your arm that now bears red streaks indicating where you last cut yourself at least a year ago, and with tears trickling down your face, you wipe them up with your hand and rub it along the scratches, like how you used to wash your arm after they appeared, and you expect them to go away again like how you remember but the salt only stings more and now you're staring at yourself thinking 'no, no, no, no, i didn't do it, i'm not like that anymore, please, no, i'm mature now, i like myself now' and slowly remembering that no, it wasn't as simple as just cut and go, and that you blocked the hard bits out of your memory to stop yourself from crying every time you look in the mirror has got to be up there with the worst emotional pain ever

[myheartisonthetrain]

i need to (remembers that suicide jokes only hurt yourself and those around you) fag it up

[myheartisonthetrain]

do you play any instruments?

i play the drums :D an electric kit so my neighbours don't kill me

i love playing fills and seeing how much i can melodically fit into a bar without it sounding too messy (i like bashing things)

[myheartisonthetrain]

poor guy doesn't know i actually don't care about the causes and symptoms of diphtheria but i love the sound of him explaining it to me!

[myheartisonthetrain]

I love the teacher crush community so much, I feel like I can talk to you like we've known each other for a long time. One second we're strangers, the next second we share our thoughts and little adventures with each other, gossip to each other like we're still teenies. Everyone here is super interested and invested in other people's stories because we all have similar problems and dreams. We support each other, are so happy for each other when something nice happens, cheer each other up when someone's feeling down. We can act super childish or annoying, write absolute nonsense and be so delusional or whatever and everyone can relate. Thanks to all of you for being such a nice community <3

[myheartisonthetrain]

not in school because im coughing badly every 2 minutes but i don't even feel sick man none of my holes are blocked anf everything else is just fine now im missing out on 2 hours of art class and the last bit of romeo and juliet just because my lungs won't stop screamjng at me now everyones gonna think im a bad organ mother /sarcasm

literally tho the best part of being sick is that i lose at least one of my senses and feel 50x calmer and i don't even think about how much i'm missing out on how much i'm letting people down how much harder i'm gonna have to work to catch up and thats nOT HAPPENiNG can some1 just knock me out real quick ill pay you 50 shillings just end my sentience temporarily so i can have a proper burnout not some half assed cough that means nOTHING