mykaluuna

[mykaluuna]

How it feels right now being an artist

Hmm… I kinda stopped uploading art lately, didn't I?

I feel like I should vent out how I feel about my art journey.

I did some self-reflection the other day and praised myself for still picking up my pen and going on, but honestly that changes pretty much every hour. If I see a discouraging comment, article, online discourse, I get into this empty numb state where I just want to stop. There's no reason to keep going on. If I had a ""real"" job, I would've probably already stopped making art. The only thing that makes me keep going is because I owe all of my supporters this much. I quit my ""real"" job so I could "live my dream" and make art, make people happy with my art and get paid for all the work I put into learning, improving, perfecting, creating. I had to stop for a few years because of some life-changing events, and when I came back, already struggling because I felt like I forgot how to art, AI was thriving.

I tried to ignore it so hard. I even watched many of my artist friends just completely stop doing art and deleting their whole online space, along with the pieces they were so proud of. I felt sad but I kept going. Every time it feels like I need to push myself through a wall, hoping things get better on the other side, but honestly it keeps getting worse. AI is still a morally grey area and they have no intention of making it more ethical. I wish they would be forced to mark every single generated image, text or video as "artifically generated" with an unremovable mark. I wish AI bros stopped saying things like "stop wasting your time on drawing and just do something actually useful, like charity" or "instead of wasting your time on art you could have hobbies like esports". They like to say that artists are gatekeeping because they're talented and they have money on art supplies and such, and not everyone has that.

Well… I don't either. I'm not talented. I just learned to draw because I had a crush on a dumb anime character and I wanted to draw myself being married to him. I don't have money, either. I'm using a hand-me-down 20 years old tablet that's barely even holding together. My comp can't even run my art program properly. I'm not gatekeeping. But if I dare to say how it took me such a long time and so much effort to get on my current level, I get replies that make me feel ridiculed. "Why did you spend so much time when you aren't even good" "You should've gotten a real job and you wouldn't struggle so much financially right now" "Just because you had it hard doesn't mean others have to go the hard way too when the AI tool is available for everyone now" and so on.

And when I think about it, really, why? What's even the point?

Am I really just fishing for sympathy? Because I had it hard? Because I worked way too hard to get on my mediocre level? Why didn't I quit sooner? And now I can't even get a "real" job because I have such a long long gap in my resume where I tried to become a self-employed artist with the dream of drawing my own manga one day. How would I explain that to a random HR manager at a random company who probably never watched a single cartoon or read a single manga in their life. Why would they? People who have "real" jobs don't waste their time on stuffs like that, right?

So, whenever I pick up my pen, I feel like crying. I'm forcing myself to draw for nothing. I don't even consider myself good anymore. I hate my ideas. I hate the story that I loved so much for years. People are so, so so very mean online. The other day I was terribly upset when I read some comments people put under a manhwa saying how the art was "meh" and guess what? It was art that I could only make if I work hours on it without taking a break. Manhwas are mostly colored and each panel of the story was on the level of my colored FULL ARTWORKS. And those people said it was "meh". I was devastated. If they consider that style only "acceptable but closer to bad", what should I expect? Do I really want to put myself out there when anything I would create with 100% of my abilities would only be seen as "meh" at best?

These years we are flooded by "content". Illegal manga/manhwa sites offer dozens if not hundreds of new comics every single day, and nothing is appreciated anymore. People get to read these stuffs in one sitting, forgetting or not even knowing the fact that artists have to work SO MUCH on every single panel of these comics. They need to pick up a pen, learn how to draw, practice, fail, try again, get better and better and better, then learn how to put together a storyboard, how to work on the pacing, the conversation, the effects, the movements, the mood. They need to take their time choosing the fonts, different bubbles for different texts, learn to make their own 3D assets for backgrounds or even just learn to use free resources. Look up brushes, look up poses, search for materials, references. It takes SO MUCH TIME. And we, readers, just skim through the pages, read the bubbles, then say "oh this art style is so bad" because not every single panel looks like the fully rendered cover art that took several hours to be completed.

People's perception is completely ruined by now because we get everything available by just a single click. No wonder they want art done by just a single click as well. Why waste time doing mediocre art when you can just generate something that's a lot better? Thank you artists, your job is done here, you very kindly filled up the AI databases, now you can all just put down your pens and do charity work, because no one needs you anymore.

So that's why I don't really upload anything lately. There's nothing to upload. I'm kinda still working on stuffs, but not with the same enthusiasm. I used to open commissions from time to time, but I lost my confidence. I know I'm not a good artist. There are thousands of better artists out there who could make better art cheaper than I could. So I don't feel like taking their job. They deserve more opportunity to make art than me. Do I need money? Yes, I do. Every single day I'm struggling with my deep depression over how useless I am for my family now. No job, no income, my husband is the only one supporting our family. Himself, our little son, our dog, 6 cats and me. I can't help. All because of my stupid decision to "live my dream" as a self-employed full artist that only resulted in an inexplicable gap in my resume which makes it impossible for me to get a different job now.

I'm not living my dream. I'm barely even living. I hope generating AI images and texts made at least one single person's will of live come back. To balance things. Because I completely lost mine.

[mykaluuna]

I have launched my Patreon! ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ https://www.patreon.com/mykaluuna

What to expect there (above the art I post on my other sites):

Stellary Sunday

NSFW Wednesday (needs subscription)

Fanart Friday

Monthly themed art

Downloadable coloring pages

comics, speedpaints, studies, OC lore and much more! I'm excited to see you there!! <3

[mykaluuna]

Star Wars fandom celebrates May 4th.

We Trekkies celebrate Threshold Day.

Thank you for your understanding.

[mykaluuna]

It's time for a new Myka avi!~

[mykaluuna]

By the way, I actually have a new years resolution for 2025!

-post to Instagram at least once a month

-make more speedpaints and post them on Youtube

-draw another poster for Stellary until December.

These don't seem impossible to keep! I'll do my best!

I wish all of you a very happy and successful New Year!!

[mykaluuna]

During my previous playthroughs I completely missed that Seifer's gunblade stance and even his victory animation comes from the movie where Laguna played the sorceress' knight... It's actually adorable...

[mykaluuna]

In the past days I kept thinking about nothing but Keal and Luzia

[mykaluuna]

Finished another illustration for Legacy of the Regent, my husband's RPG Maker game. This is Franz, an ambassador from a different country and a former adventurer who helps Réka finalize her wish to go on adventures and see the world!

[mykaluuna]

Another outfit for Réka, the main character from an RPG Maker game that my husband is making. The title is "Legacy of the Regent".

She's the daughter of the Regent and when she gets fed up dealing with diplomatic formality, she takes her beloved saber and goes on an adventure!

[mykaluuna]

How to color lineart in SAI2

It's been 1000 years since I last made a tutorial so excuse me for the quality

[mykaluuna]

Another comm for Shini! Thank you very much!!

Check out her Chrono Trigger playthrough on her YT channel or join her on her streams!!

[mykaluuna]

Comm for Shini! Thank you so much!!

Join the Void Mother's streams on her YT channel!

https://www.youtube.com/@ShiniKimura

[mykaluuna]

Warm-up practice doodle

[mykaluuna]

Commission for Rainbow000Pegasus! Thank you very much!!

[mykaluuna]

I finished two more commissions!!

If you're looking for portrait sketch comms in this specific style, these are below 15$ and currently open!

[mykaluuna]

Alias; older, wiser, and about 93% sexier! (Yes it's my subjective opinion)

Commission for shadowaxe! Thank you so much!

[mykaluuna]

Hello everyone, I'm opening commissions for colored sketch portraits to help with the repair fees for my work laptop. Samples can be found on my ko-fi page Price: 4 Ko-fis (12USD) for simple chars 6 Ko-fis (18 USD) for detailed chars

What do I consider detailed? -horns -scales -heavy jewelry -armor -weapons -complicated clothing or hair (multiple parts, heavily detailed etc)

We'll discuss the price every time in advance. First come first serve, waitlist will be open for for 10 people! Payment through my Ko-fi page, in advance, AFTER agreeing if the rough sketch is fine! Contact me via mykaluuna@gmail.com or tumblr messenger Reblogs are appreciated!!