n0tthisagain - Tumblr blog

[n0tthisagain]

Ok someone help me, when you wash your face are you supposed to wash your eyelids too?? Cuz like I don’t wanna damage my eyeballs from soap, but eyelids get greasy too right??? And yes I know I’m stupid

[n0tthisagain]

I went to try one this black mini slip dress in garage but it was too big, so I asked the lady upfront to help me order an xxs online. I was super excited when it came in, but it’s still kinda big, and I dunno if I should be happy about that or not :/

[n0tthisagain]

How come some fatty parts of the body are seen as beautiful (like boobs), but then other parts are seen as gross/unhygienic?? I’ve never really understood this :/

[n0tthisagain]

It’s going to have to get worse before I ever get better, because I’m too scared to get better. I don’t know what normal even is, but I don’t what I am in the first place either.

[n0tthisagain]

I feel this, everyday I tell myself I’m going to get out of bed and go to school when I wake up. But I never do, I just keep thinking about it instead, and lie in bed all day and night. I don’t even sleep either, just think.

Every night I think "tomorrow I'll do better, tomorrow will be fine" but tomorrow never comes. Idk if days are passing or not anymore, I have no sense of time, of being.

I'm losing every single second of my life to my disorders.

[n0tthisagain]

Sorry I keep posting, but uh. I just got a call from my school, and apparently I haven’t shown up in nearly a month.... I literally thought I was gone for like 3 days. How tf did I come up with enough excuses to not make my mom question it, and why don’t I have any recollection of any of this??? Why is it this hard for me to just get out of bed, I don’t understand. My mom’s gonna be pissed when she finds out :/

[n0tthisagain]

Is it bad that I want to go to a mental hospital? What if that would solve things, I probably should’ve been sent there YEARS ago tho tbh.

[n0tthisagain]

⚠️TW⚠️

So, I have a high chance of not graduating, a very low will to live, I don’t want to embarrass myself but I already did. I wasn’t planning on being alive this long in the first place, but here I am. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me -_-

[n0tthisagain]

⚠️TW⚠️

Do you think a bottle of extra strength Tylenol would be enough? Sincerely a grad who just realized they’ve got a week to pass social or they aren’t graduating....

[n0tthisagain]

I just ate an entire pizza because I was pissed off, and I literally lost weight after eating the pizza. I think I’m broken😹

[n0tthisagain]

⚠️TW⚠️

The only reason I haven’t offfed myself yet, is because that would make me weak, and I’m competitive. There are so many people out there who probably have way worse lives than I do, and they’re still going about their days. I hate disappointing people but that’s all I ever do. :/

[n0tthisagain]

I haven’t been to a doctor cuz I don’t trust them, and my mom doesn’t believe in mental illness. But uh, I’m aware I’m very much fucked up but I don’t know how I’m fucked up. As much as I want to get better, I genuinely have no idea who I actually am, so I also don’t wanna get better. Maybe that’s just the mental shit speaking idk...

Also, 🖕you mom 😕

[n0tthisagain]

Does anybody else love that feeling when your riding in a car when you’re drunk or high?? Cuz it just feels so surreal to me🧚‍♀️

[n0tthisagain]

TW-hair pulling⚠️ When I was in grade 4 I started ripping out my eyelashes to the point that my eyelids were completely bare. My eyelids were super swollen and a purply colour, super itchy, and everything always got in my eyes. So I decided to go to my family doctor to ask if I was going to be like this forever, I wanted him to help me fix it.

He looked at my awkwardly laughed, said he’d never seen anything like it, there was no cure, and I should try ripping out a dolls eyelashes. He even looked all over google and still found nothing. I was a super tough kid so I never cried in-front of people, inside I was messed up but they didn’t get it. The back of my eyes burned like hell, my throat was so hot, dry, and tense, it felt like there were barbed wires holding my mouth shut and spiraling down my throat. But I laughed, and told him I didn’t want to make the dolls look ugly. So he sent me off without answers. Obviously now I know it was trichotillomania, but at the time I thought I’d look like I had gecko eyes forever.

I haven’t stepped into a doctors office since, I also refuse to talk to people bout my problems, and I will never go to a councillor or psychologist. So thanks Mr. Doctor :)

[n0tthisagain]

I just found out that vape juice has calories in it....... but uh, it makes me less hungry so idk :/

[n0tthisagain]

Do you ever remember you actually exist sometimes, but then when you see your depression room, or walk upstairs to parents screaming everything makes sense again. So you just kinda let yourself continue to disappear :)

Edit- not me forgetting I only have a mom💀

[n0tthisagain]

Ya’ll, I clicked on some link and now my phone says I have 13 viruses. How tf do I solve this😺