naminearuno

[naminearuno]

The Moment Anxiety Replaces Trust

This day was meant for smiles, not tears.

I shouldn’t have to remove the ring from my finger.

I saved this day for you, but you won’t even hold my hand,

we can’t revel in our love because you gave her your heart.

I worry that you see the tears I hold beneath my skin: Anxiety.

I drown in a new lack of you that I call the black hole.

We were supposed to go new places, together. Wormhole

that instead sent me to a world of hurt and tears

where my stomach is churning, my blood pulsing in anxiety

and I don’t think I’m good enough for you to spare a finger.

I do think it was almost easy for you to break my heart.

Because of you, I fidget, unsure where to put my reject hand.

You want me next to you but will not give me your hand.

The absence can only be described as a hole.

You hollowed out the insides of my fragile heart

and left behind a face stained of tears,

yet you don’t want to be the one behind my pointed finger.

You only see anger, not my bubbling anxiety.

I cannot find the will to eat with my belly so full of anxiety.

It would be so much better if I could warm your cold hand.

I’d even settle for the lace of a single delicate finger,

but you give me nothing to patch up this hole.

I will try to fill it again with my steady stream of tears

but tears have never been known to unbreak a heart.

I’m not sure how to go on with this shattered heart.

I am shaking in my volatile state and anxiety

won’t allow me to wipe my face of these tears.

I cannot to draw attention to the movement of my hand.

The tears will have to find their own way into the hole;

I cannot spare my dignity to wet my finger.

Apparently our bond was not worth a single finger,

yet it dealt such heavy damage to my weak heart.

I would heal it with time spent curled up in a hole,

except I can’t be alone with my swirling thoughts: Anxiety.

And if I got stuck, there would be no one to lend a hand,

but I guess at least no one would see my tears.

I unknowingly twiddle each finger: Anxiety.

I regret ever trusting you with my heart in your hand.

Now I try to hide your memory in the black hole, under tears.

[naminearuno]

Love Breaks Hearts

A broken heart is not a game.

It is not a tool to fuel your starving ego.

It is not a mechanism with which you move a story along;

it is not a novelty.

A broken heart is not a problem to solve;

It is not fixed by a will to get better.

It is not a learning experience,

It is not something you invalidate.

It's when the tears sting but, you cannot wipe them away because you don't want anyone to

notice that you're breaking

and the movement would draw too much attention to your shattered state.

It's thanking a God you don't believe in that spring is coming because you couldn't handle your

freshly frozen heart without the warm weather on your skin,

reminding you you're alive.

It's eating that entire large concrete even though you're full because she always told you

that ice cream makes everything better

and you need a little bit of her to make this better.

It's letting everyone think that you're fuming in anger because you'd rather them see you making

fire than breaking down

and sadness can become anger so easily.

It's looking down at the hand your cat scratched up,when he thought it was a war-zone, and

being reminded of an organ

beating between your lungs.

It's looking at the rainy sky wondering why the clouds are crying and you're not, even though

you really need to let your tears out

before they drown you.

It's searching for answers in any song lyric that you can even remotely twist to relate to the joke

that your life has become

because she doesn’t give you answers anymore.

It's not being able to fall asleep because your stomach won't stop doing flips and your mind

won't stop wandering

to the darkest places you know.

It's realizing that you were stupid.

You can't trust people.

You can't rely on people.

You can’t expect love from people.

People are ignorant and greedy

and they don't understand that no one will ever love them the way you love them,

that you've learned the way they speak love and it has changed you,

that you care more about them than you do yourself; more than they care about their self.

Love blinds and beautiful girls kill hope.

Your fragile trust falls harder than you fell for her.

And no amount of "I'm sorry" will make a thick enough bandaid.

Bandaids don't heal wounds anyway, they only hide them.

Love is beautiful until it is not.

Love is not a guarantee.

Love is a trick to hurt people...like you and me.

You won't see it coming.

Hopes are not fortunes, no matter how many heart emojis and "I love you's" you coat them in.

Love only wants to see how strong it can make your trust before it decides to break it.

And even though I know it doesn't fix anything,

I am so, so sorry.

[naminearuno]

Diary Entry #3 Part 3

I’m happy. I’m happy that I’m still happy. I’m happy that even though I don’t know what my future holds, I still want to be around to find out. I’m happy that I want to be alive.

I’m happy that I have the emotional and financial support of my family, especially my mother. I’m happy that I’ve been getting closer to my brother. (He has me on his snapchat finally and I even saw a story so I’m not blocked at all!!!) I’m happy that I have Tristan to pet, cuddle, and play with everytime I come to O’Fallon. I’m happy that my sister and I are planning a trip to New York.

I’m happy that I’m getting better at understanding myself, others, and feelings in general. I’m happy that music exists and I have such easy access to it. I’m happy for creative outlets that I use like colorguard and poetry, and those that I can appreciate like art and gymnastics. I’m happy that there are so many colors in the world and I have working eyes to see them. I’m happy that I’m healthy and able. I’m happy that I have such an amazing rec center to work out and swim in.

I’m happy that I have wonderful friends like Amber, Jamie, Jordan, Sam, and Aly. I’m happy that I got to hang out with Robin yesterday. I’m happy that I’m talking to Delroy again, even if he’s lowkey a POS. I’m happy that I don’t need Lexi to be happy. I’m happy that the sky is always so beautiful… I even love it when it’s gray and dreary. I’m happy that rain exists. I’m happy that animals are so pure.

I’m happy that campfire sauce from Red Robin is so good. I’m happy that I haven’t had soda in months. (I had Monster today, which is worse, but I haven’t had that in like a year & it’s technically not soda so I’m not counting it… plus I don’t plan to drink it again. But holy hell, I’m sleepy as I write this. Lol).

I’m happy that I have classes like sociology, critical thinking, and poetry where I can stimulate my mind and learn about things that actually interest me. I’m happy to be able to go to college even if it is putting me in debt…

I’m happy to see people I look up to like Sabrina Carpenter and Gabbie Hanna succeeding and living their best lives. I’m happy that even though there’s been drama with my roommates I didn’t think to mention it until now because I really don’t care. I’m happy that I’m on this new journey of self acceptance and constant improvement.

I’m happy that I’ve been taking care of myself. I’m happy that I eat and sleep. I’m happy that I keep myself clean and do my dishes. I’m happy that I talk about my feelings. I’m happy that I’m finally able to talk about things I used to keep secret like my mental health, old bad habits, sexuality, etc. I’m happy that I stopped skipping class so much. I’m happy that I’m able to go in public without any makeup on at all with my hair down and natural without being anxious or letting it ruin my day. I’m happy that I can roll off of the ground again.

I’m happy that I’m getting stronger both emotionally and physically. I’m happy that there is so much to be happy for. I’m happy that I don’t need a relationship and I know it. I’m happy with who I’m becoming. I’m happy to be getting closer to Aly and Jamie. I’m happy that living with Amber has had such a positive impact on our friendship. I’m happy that Ryan is still a part of my life even though we aren’t on the same guard. I’m happy that even though I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I know who I am.

I’m happy my laptop no longer spontaneously crashes. I’m happy that even though I lost my debit card and had to order a new one, it hasn’t ruined my day at all. I’m happy I got to eat my mom’s chicken today. I’m happy to be on a guard with people like Megan Kemp and Madaline Thompson who are so kind and Tyson, Monet, and Trystan who are so funny. I’m happy to have John, who cares so much, as my coach.

I’m happy to be living, experiencing, and thriving. I may be confused, lost, scared, hurt, angry, and even sad. But I am so full of happiness. I am grateful for all of it.

Life is unfair and part of human nature is wanting it to be fair. It doesn’t make sense and we so desperately want it to. It is so bad in some ways, but it is still so so good. My life is so good.

I’m gonna end this entry here so I can go back to enjoying my Easter break. I’m hoping for an exceptionally great one after my Spring break was /supposed/ to be wonderful & turned out to be shit… It’s been pretty good so far. I finally got to eat the new honey hot glazed chicken from Dairy Queen! Dad even bought me ice cream when I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, until next time… Hi future Kali. I know you probably won’t, but I hope you have things more figured out than I do.

P.S. Breathe(2am) just came on <3. SOOO much love for this song. Another reason to be happy. :)

[naminearuno]

Diary Entry #3 Part 2

Jamie and I have been looking into churches. We’re gonna try to go together sometime. I think we’re gonna take an Uber to a Unitarian Universalist church. (LeAnn's religion). I don’t know if we’re gonna do it for sure, but I’m definitely interested. I just want more things to do and places to belong. I think that would be really good for both Jamie and I.

I’m still not feeling overwhelmed by my workload which I am so glad for. I do need to start putting in more effort, though. And I intend to. I’m already thinking about taking summer courses online. I want to retake US history and try for a better grade because the C- seriously killed my GPA… speaking of which, I dropped HPS. I wasn’t about that added stress. I think I’m going to take a year off to get my work experience, community service, and observation hours… Assuming I stick with this major and career path. Anyway, I’m probably going to take a gen ed class to learn about religion as well. I think I want to take three classes, but I haven’t decided what the 3rd one should be yet.

There’s been more drama with Jordan and Drew… She plans to screw him over by taking him to court. He stopped paying for their apartment and stole her dad's furniture afterall.. Not to mention that he could totally be charged with grooming a minor… He doesn’t know what’s coming to him. Lol. I’m glad karma is finally screwing him over. He is probably the most toxic person I have had the displeasure of knowing. And I used to be best friends with Jessica and Jazsmin & have been screwed over by Maya…

I still agree with the values I detailed in my last entry. I haven’t finished rereading them, but I wanted to touch on the bit about how violence shouldn’t be favored over words… I used to feel so indignant when my family would mention how they were afraid about me going to school because they worried I would get into fights. The reason that bothered me so much back then was because I wanted to be seen as a good kid, although ADHD & “Asperger's” played into me being a troublemaker, and I never considered physical fights because I didn’t want to get in trouble. Now I realize that that was only part of it. I have always favored verbal arguments to physical fighting. I have always cared about getting my point across. I don’t get how anyone could not care… but I guess there are people who don’t.

I am so thankful that I am such an emotionally independent person. I’m incredibly lucky to understand that I don’t need anyone. This breakup would be a lot harder if I didn’t have these qualities. It would also probably be harder if I were better at understanding my feelings because I would just feel all of the bad emotions instead of wondering what I even actually feel.

[naminearuno]

Diary Entry #3 Part 1

March 30, 2018

It’s been quite a while since I wrote a diary entry. Honestly, I’m not surprised I stopped keeping up with it so quickly. I’m bad at things like this. It’s really strange going back and reading my old entries because I’m in such a different place now.

I have so much that I want to say to Megan since so much has changed since my last message to her… But she hasn’t responded & I literally talked about Lexi and Maya & I don’t want to sound as stupid as I feel. Lol.

I started slacking in chem lecture… I haven’t been reading the etextbook and I stopped taking notes. Forget what I said about him going at the right pace; for some reason that changed. ); I also bombed the last test because I didn’t pay attention in class or study nearly enough. (However, I got an A on the 1st one and he drops our lowest test grade… so it’s okay!) With the last test grade I have a C, but I have an A- without it. I also have an A- in chem lab, but I have As in everything else! Straight As is still a realistic possibility! I’m already halfway through the semester, too. I just need to start trying in chem lecture again and I’ll be golden.

Amber and I both gave up on getting jobs on campus this semester. We’re just gonna work at the DMV over the summer and worry about on campus jobs (or even off campus) next year. Mom got a new car which means I’m getting her old one for sure. I just need to get my license now! As far as apartments go, we’re also looking into places farther away from campus (and that allow pets) now since we know I’ll have a car.

It’s really weird for me reading about drama with Lexi and her mom from January because I don’t have to deal with that anymore. It’s funny how I mention not being a fan of Maya anymore… My feelings are much stronger than that now. Bitch actually succeeded in homewrecking my relationship… Idk. I’m actually really confused about how I feel. I keep writing sad/angry poems, listening to sad/angry music, and making sad/angry posts on social media… But I sort of feel fine? I don’t feel fine. I know I’m not really fine. All of these little comments that I make come from somewhere. The urge to listen to this music and make these posts and write these poems comes from somewhere. I’ve just gotten over the stage where my stomach physically feels sick. So it’d be easy to say that I’m fine, but I don’t want to because I know that I’m not. I just don’t know what to make of my feelings right now.

All of my friends hate Lexi now. Amber has been against my relationship with her for quite some time. Jamie says she’s shitty. Jordan has been talking to Robin about everything because she’s so mad. Even Sam turned so fast. Aly wants to go with Amber to return her things to her at championships… I don’t really trust either of them because I don’t want them to be rude to her… I just don't think I'm ready to do it myself & I told her not to speak to me at Championships... I don’t want my friends to hate her. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions (which I don’t understand all that well…) about what she did, but I don’t hate her. I don’t have ill will towards her. I’m upset with her for how she handled the situation and I want her and Maya to break up because I don’t think Maya is good for her… But I still care about her. She’s the only person I’ve ever even considered being with. The only person I have ever loved. It sucks because I was having doubts sometime in January and then she went and reassured me… gave me a ring with the promise to be loyal to me and marry me someday… And after a year of being with her I finally started to feel secure in our relationship and trust that it would work out. And then she went and lied to me and broke my heart. I don’t even know how I feel now.

Lost is the best word to describe it. I’m lost everywhere. I don’t feel good enough in guard anymore. I don’t know what I actually want to do for a living. I’m struggling to understand why Lexi chose Maya over me. It helps that I have Aly in almost the exact same boat as me. She and Jack just broke up, she’s on 901 with me, and she doesn’t know what she wants to major in. We’ve been making lots of plans to keep our minds busy so we don’t have to think about sad things and it’s been really helpful.

Amber and I gave up on our new year's resolution… I don’t think the gym is for her & we didn’t wanna go when we were sick… plus I’m very busy. But, Aly and I started going together again. On Tuesday we went to dinner with some guard peeps for an hour, spent three hours working out, and spent an hour at the pool. Tuesday was my best day in a while.

I haven’t spoken to Lexi since Wednesday, March 21st and I don’t intend to speak to her until May 2nd… her birthday. I keep having the urge to text her, but Aly & I have started texting each other when we have the urge to text our exes and that’s been helpful. I’m not miserable without her. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I’ve worked too hard to build myself up to let one person ruin me. I don’t need anyone. I still believe that. As much as I want her, I don’t need her. I don’t think I could ever be with her again anyway… Once someone shows they can hurt you so deeply you can’t let them in again so easily. Although she did say she wanted me to wait for her. But I made it very clear that I will not be her backup plan. And I hope that if she ever tried to get back with me that I would be strong enough to say no. I’m honestly not sure, though. She’s so very special. And beautiful. And even though she has very much proven otherwise, she feels safe.

I just… saying she wants me to wait for her sounds to me like she foresees her relationship with Maya not working out and her wanting to come back to me… and if that’s what she thinks is going to happen… why did she do any of this to begin with? Brian thinks she’s weak. He thinks it takes a certain type of person to be able to do what she did. He told me months ago that it wouldn’t end well. I should have listened. She cheated on Ryan and I always knew she fell for people easily. I never should have trusted her. I feel stupid for that. I’ve always known better. I keep wishing I could go back to December 9th and tell her no like I almost did… It would have saved me so much drama and stress and hurt.

She told me she doesn’t regret us, but I do. She told me that loving me is one of the best things she’s experienced, but I don’t believe her. I don’t believe she cared much about me at all. I truly believe that throughout this whole ordeal she only cared about how hurting me would hurt her. I asked her for honesty. I deserve that. She didn’t give it to me. I still can’t get over the hurt and confusion and manipulation from before she actually broke up with me when she got mad that I didn’t sit next to her but then wouldn’t hold my hand when I did. I keep wondering how many of our texts were lies… How much has happened with Maya and how long it has been going on… She gets to share a bed with her quite frequently after all…

I don’t get it. I truly believe that Maya is toxic. She is manipulative. She lies. She tells other people's secrets. She takes and takes and takes but only gives if she’ll get something in return… I don’t see them working out. I don’t want them to work out. Lexi deserves better. If she had left me for Nicole I would understand. If she left me for pretty much anyone else, I would understand. But it had to be Maya. Who gets left for Maya? I feel like a joke, but what else is new? I’ve been a joke to people since I started school.

I haven’t reverted back to my middle school self. I don’t write pages and pages of reasons why I’m terrible and should die. Although I have wanted to several times, I haven’t cut. I haven’t purged. I’ve been eating. I did go almost a whole day without eating or drinking anything, but I finally got Panda around 9pm. I’ve been doing the 100happydays challenge on Instagram which has helped a lot. I’ve also been keeping track of all of the /good/ things that make me cry.

[naminearuno]

Diary Entry #2

January 27, 2018

It’s been 11 days since my last entry and so much has happened. I’m not gonna talk about it in any specific order.

First of all, Lexi’s mom found out about her stick-n-poke tattoos (After they had already faded, too) which led to further investigation and she told her mom that she’s been using Maya’s phone to talk to me. That was obviously a big deal because that’s the way it is with the Lesch’s. So now Lexi is supposed to have to move out on May 3rd, but I doubt they will hold her to that because they want her where they can most easily control her. She went a night without being allowed to sleep in her bed. She was supposed to quit her job, but she still has it for now. She’s still on guard. We’re still talking since it wasn’t really Maya’s phone to begin with and I’m not a fan of Maya anymore… Lexi is doing alright for the most part. Her grade in AP stats is really high and I’m impressed because I’ve heard a lot of crap about that class.

I didn’t go into my sociology class thinking that I would personally get anything out of it. But then we talked about depression. We talked about how as societies rely more on consumer capitalism and individualism increases, so does depression. When people have as much freedom as we do, they can also have excessive hope. That can make people feel even worse when they fail or still pretty awful even if they’re doing fine because they know better is possible. And as we become less and less reliant on others to make decisions for us we can feel more alone and more to blame if our lives don’t work out the way we intend. Basically, he explained that community is extremely important toward mental health. This got me thinking. First of all, it reaffirmed my belief that I should push my children to get involved from a young age. But it also got me thinking… I do believe community is important for mental health. I think that’s why my life got so much better when I joined guard. I don’t want someone telling me how my life is gonna go and who I’m gonna be, because I grew up in an American society after all :P, but it led me to a conclusion… about something I’ve thought about before. Maybe I would be happier if I went to church or another religious institution. I feel like I’m too open to follow a religion the way religious people typically do. I’m too skeptic of accepting a truth with no proof behind it and too open to the possibilities. I do think I might be able to get behind the values a religion preaches without believing in their God and their stories. I think I might enjoy being apart of a community like that… assuming I can find one that is positive. I look at people like Dani and Hannah Beer and I see how happy church makes them. Maybe I could benefit from it, too. Maybe it would help me feel like I belong. Probably not. I’ll feel like an outsider because I don’t believe. But still. It would also be interesting to learn about a religion first hand like that. I don’t know… This will most likely be next year adventure if it happens at all. Next year… When Amber and I are hopefully living in an apartment and transitioning to veganism… And hopefully I see my girlfriend regularly and finally lose my virginity (Lol do I /really/ belong in a church? Probably not…)

I’m not sure what I believe. I believe in something… I identify as Agnostic. I’m sure there is something more than us, whether it is a higher power the way people typically envision a higher power or something completely different we haven’t thought of… Or maybe that we can’t think of because we can’t understand it. I don’t know. I don’t know what happens when we die and I’m scared of the possibilities. I’m scared of everything just stopping and I’m scared of being eternally miserable and I’m scared of being reincarnated as a fly or bee or wasp or an even more messed up human. Humans fear what we don’t know. I don’t know and I am afraid.

Moving on to a lighter topic… I finished Dreamfall Chapters and started playing Remember Me. It’s a really interesting game, but also frustrating.

I also ordered a charger that should be here on Monday and my books better be here Monday because they were supposed to be here last Wednesday.

I’m still trying for straight As though I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need to review my chem notes EVERY day. Whether I get straight As or not, I’m not overwhelmed by the workload this semester… yet. It all seems doable. I haven’t turned anything in late yet. There aren’t a lot of grades in the gradebook yet, but I only have 100s so far… It will not stay that way lol.

Amber and I have been sticking to our goal of going to the gym at least twice a week. We started the bluecoats training regime yesterday and I’m super excited. We’ve also decided that we’re gonna try to go Mon, Wed, Fri, and Saturday. Friday and Saturday are really good gym days because not a lot of people are there. We have yet to go on a Monday… heheh.

There’s been drama with Drew and his family. His mom has been bashing Jordan on his profile… on public posts. He’s still trying to contact Jordan and even messaged Zoe and accused Jordan of being a pathological liar. Speaking of which… his hickass mom sounds a lot like one of those what with her “degree in law” and her daughters husband that there have been no previous pictures or mention of… Anyway, it’s all been very annoying but also kind of hilarious. I think his mom needs to learn what the definition of “intelligence” is.

I don’t have time for these people to be honest. (Drew and his family). I’m too busy trying to better myself. I’m going to talk about some of my goals, values, and general things I’ve learned:

I now know what it means to invalidate someone’s feelings and why even if those feelings are irrational, that’s not okay. Feelings are real. Calling them “just chemicals in the brain” doesn’t devalue them. Chemicals in your brain are a very real and powerful thing. If you understand anything about science and the human body, you know that chemicals in your brain are responsible for a lot of physical and mental traits. For example, chemicals in your body determine how tall you are. Growth hormone, specifically. It is secreted by the pituitary gland in the brain. Growth hormone deficiency causes dwarfism. That is a very real thing that you can see. It being caused by a chemical in the brain does not make it any less real. Feelings and mental illnesses are also caused by chemicals secreted by the brain. You just can’t always see the effects. Anyway, this is turning into a very different point…. The point I wanted to make is that feelings are real and therefore you cannot just tell a person to ignore them or that they shouldn’t have them. If someone’s feelings are irrational, you still cannot invalidate them. You must first acknowledge them and the fact that they are not something easily controlled (And often times not controllable at all) and then bring in the logic. I.e. “I know you’re angry because your spaghetti’s on the floor,, but Shanaynay didn’t spill it on purpose.” V.S. “Calm down, it’s not like she did it on purpose.”.

There is a thing called emotional intelligence. I’m very lacking in this department, but I have enough regular intelligence to acknowledge and work on it. I really do think I have a mild form of aspergers or something like it, but I’m glad I came to that realization. I’m bad at understanding social cues and piecing things together. I miss out on jokes and sarcasm from time to time because I honestly just don’t get it. Sometimes I stop to think about things for a long time before coming to a realization that feels like an epiphany, but when I go to explain it to someone else it’s something they picked up on without even having to think about it. I have a hard time understanding why it’s not always okay to say things that are true. Hell, I picked honest as my personality trait for that English assignment in Becker’s class Sophomore year. I also have a hard time understanding emotions that I can’t physically feel. Anyway,, I’m glad I realized I have this problem/these problems. It allows me to prevent a lot of issues and explain behaviors of mine that other people don’t understand.

I enjoy intelligent arguments. I also believe they are an essential part of the modern human experience. People who don’t understand how to engage in intelligent arguments make me sad. I almost can’t comprehend how people think that belittling others and using profanity does anything but invalidate their arguments. When you come out and say that you are intelligent, when you attack for something that doesn’t relate to the topic (especially when it’s something they cannot control), and when you use swears/slurs, you decrease the intelligence of your argument. You significantly decrease the chance that anyone who didn’t already agree with you will even hear the point you’re trying to make. Words can hurt. It’s also important to understand opposing arguments. Your argument is much stronger if you show that you understand the opposition, but still think it’s wrong.

Words can significantly impact a person's emotions, mental health, etc. Words can start wars. Words can make people famous. For a lot of people, stringing words together and/or understanding words is their job. Words are one of the main ways we communicate. Words have power. Without them, our societies would be drastically different. Words can get you into all kinds of legal trouble. Words matter. Expression matters. Communication matters. How someone can dismiss words in favor of violence, I will never understand. Violence doesn’t lead to change or understanding. Words can. Words can hurt. Words can heal. They are not insignificant.

That’s not to say that you should be offended by specific words. Words like “fuck” for example. Yes, it’s not a “nice” word and it’s not a word that is socially acceptable in most professional settings. But hearing someone say it on TV or at a restaurant or in any random context that does not require professional language, should not offend you. If it does offend you, that is your problem. If something someone says, whilst not meaning to hurt anyone, bothers you, that is not their problem. They can say whatever they want. If you don’t like it, it is your job to stay away from them, to ignore it, to reflect on why it offends you and whether or not it’s a feeling you want to hold onto. Words matter but the intention behind them matters more.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Everyone in America has freedom of speech. These things don’t mean that you can say whatever you want. Saying hurtful things can get you into legal trouble. Cyberbullying, harassment, stalking, libel, and slander can all get you into legal trouble. You do not have the right to go around and be a jerk to people. You just don’t. A good general principle to live by is to do whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt others.

You don’t have to cottle people. You don’t have to refrain from talking about things because it offends people. But you do have to keep in mind that the platforms you leave your opinions on have rules and guidelines. You do have to keep in mind that saying certain things in a certain way can be illegal. And if you want people to care about your feelings, you should be sure to care about theirs. There is a balance between being yourself/expressing your opinions and trash talking people, harassing people, etc.

I’ve been putting a lot of effort into becoming a better person. I think it’s important to always be reflecting on who you are and working towards positive changes, especially when you’re not happy with who you are as a person. By coming to college and being in the Bears for a Just Community LLC alone, by surrounding myself with new people and opportunities, I am growing more and more each day. I’ve been actively choosing to be better - to be more conscious of others feelings and how what I say and do impacts them, to put more effort into school, to learn, to go to class everyday, to evaluate myself and my choices, to go to the gym, and to be healthier. I feel more productive. I feel like I’m actually living and participating in the college experience; I didn’t feel like that before. I think being productive, bettering myself, and learning are going to make me so much happier. I’m ready to do the whole “New year, new me” cliche right. I want to always be improving.

There is a lot more I could say, but I’ve been working on this entry for a while so I’ll leave it at that.

[naminearuno]

Diary Entry #1

January 16th, 2018

I’ve been really productive the past few days and I feel great. I’m setting a lot of goals for myself and getting a lot done. I thought it would be good for me to, in addition to becoming an overall more productive person, start keeping a digital diary.

Classes started today. It was very cold and it snowed yesterday so everything was covered in snow, slush, and ice. It seems like every school but mine was cancelled which is basically the story of my life… “The story of my life, I take her home, I drive all night, to keep her warm and time, is frozen” Amber started singing that while I was doing my poetry homework so it’s stuck in my head now.

One of those goals I mentioned earlier is to get straight As this semester. That’s why I was actually working on my poetry assignment instead of waiting until 10 minutes before class on Thursday (Or not doing it at all since we’ll technically have class time). Anyway, I started on it and plan to work more on it tomorrow. (I got one out of two poems done.)

I had poetry and chem lecture today. My chemistry professor is actually a man. “Fei” just seems like a feminine name, but it is Asian so I guess it’s actually a masculine name. Speaking of him being Asian, he does have a bit of an accent but I can understand him well. He also goes at just the right pace on his powerpoints so I can actually take notes! (BMS would be a nightmare if I had been trying to get an A…) I think I’m starting off on the right foot. I reviewed my notes and then went through the entire first powerpoint. In about an hour and a half I’m gonna get on the etextbook and read the first chapter. I’m using alarms on my phone to keep myself on track - speaking of which I need to get a new charger because I rely heavily on my phone and I need to know that it’s going to be fully charged every morning.

I officially declared sign language studies as my minor today and I got “Pre-pt” off of my profile. I also applied for a job with the library and Amber applied for a job at the bookstore. I might apply for more jobs but working in the library would be ideal. (The only issue is I was making it a goal to fall asleep before 12am every night and they expect you to be available to work from 10p-2am at least twice a week…). I would be making minimum wage or slightly above and working around 20 hours a week.

Amber and I also toured some apartments today for brentwood management. We found one that we really like on Elm. It’s close to campus and farther away from downtown. It’s a pretty good size. One of the rooms has a walk-in closet and we agreed that if we get it, I get that bedroom. It has its own patio, a pool, a kitchen that’s not connected to the living room, paid heating, free cable and internet, and we would only have to pay for electric. It’s $350 a month per person and it’s a little under $400 per person when you include electric. I don’t think it has a dishwasher and it doesn’t come with a washer and dryer, but there is a laundromat right next to it. We’re not decided yet because we need to see if our parents can help us with the $600 deposit, see if it’s still available when we have the money, and we’re also gonna tour Sherwood Village because Ryan told us about their apartments. They have four swimming pools, three fitness centers, a yoga studio, a private movie theatre, tanning beds, and an indoor basketball court where I can swim, free high speed internet, free cable, a private balcony/patio, and a fully equipped kitchen. There is also a shuttle to MSU’s campus. It’s overall just much better, but the spots fill up fast. Rent is $358 a piece for a two bedroom apartment, but I don’t think that includes utilities. I believe Ryan said it’s like $415 after utilities. If that’s true, then it’s more than worth it. Amber sent them an email. Hopefully we’ll hear back soon.

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. It’s 8:43 and I have to read at 10 so I’m gonna play some Dreamfall Chapters before I have to fry my brain with Chemistry.