nina1329 - Tumblr blog

[nina1329]

tortured heart

a tortured heart is never smart

but let's go back to the start

how does a heart become tortured?

it's the result of love being murdered

and suffocated and love not reciprocated

and crimes of the heart perpetrated

a tortured heart sits alone in the dark

it has lost all its spark

and the lights are too stark

it has lost control of the story arch

so it needs to sit in silence and sorrow

and wait for a better tomorrow

wishes unfulfilled, hopes distilled, fears and tears instilled

rivers, oceans deep of sadness

tortured hearts lead to madness

insanity, obscenity and manic depression

letting go has to be the new obsession

you get the impression

that the only thing the tortured heart needs is a confession

from the torturer and him alone

of why he did what he did and why he didn't what he didn't

never called it what it was as if it was forbidden

a tortured heart will forget but never forgive

for its scars are too deep

and the torturer left a seed

of brokenness never to be fixed again

no cure, no remedy for this in the world

but time

time as a concept might be made up

but time is the only thing that can stitch a tortured heart back up

and make it feel like before

it seems healed to the core

but somehow deep down the tortured heart isn't the same anymore

[nina1329]

tortured body

tick, tock, tick, tock in my ears

once again i can‘t hear

anything but the noise of fear

the silent screaming

of a body in worry

i want to tell it ’i‘m sorry‘

for pushing you so far

that you have to make yourself be noticed

sorry, that i haven‘t been supportive

i haven‘t listened

now my ears are ringing

throb, throb, knock, knock, tick, tock

inner ears, from holding back tears

sudden hearing loss

ironically noticeable through incessantly throbbing pulse

but we are marching on

pretending to be strong

when we are long long gone

despite migraines every day

head exploding, pain so numbing,

you can‘t even say

a single word

wish you could end it with a sword

it's a painful melody

of a tortured body

[nina1329]

tortured mind

a tortured mind is one of a kind

in every one there is something different to find

one goes 'is my work perfect enough?'

the other asks 'am i going to fuck this up?'

a tortured mind is one of a kind

one never rests

they other gets obsessed

spiraling, circling, spinning in circles

round and round we go, again and again and again

until you become insane

a tortured mind is one of a kind

one assures even though it's a lie 'i am fine, you are fine, we are fine'

the other questions 'where do i draw the line?'

a third one is afraid of loss and whispers 'are you still mine?'

the fourth is so far gone it sends shivers down your spine

number five cures their mind with a bottle of wine

six, seven and eight scream to the sky 'give me a sign!!!'

ten is out and about to forget about number nine

a tortured mind is one of a kind

it is never kind, keep that in mind

maybe i am just locked up in my mind

it's tortured and all of the above and stuff

so ... nevermind

[nina1329]

tortured soul

can‘t believe it‘s happening again

i‘m at the same place i was before

i can’t keep up keeping score

of why my soul feels so sore

guns pointed, triggers pulled

at my deepest insecurities

old patterns surge from dark and secret places and spaces

locked away with a key only to be opened by me

and they come to purge

all the peace and quiet

all that i built, all the coping mechanisms

people will say, these are just minor inflictions

pull yourself together

at another place it won‘t be better

abusive behavior, dr jekyll and mr hyde

no solution in sight

trapped like a little mouse

i lost my voice, just nodding along

to whatever song is being sung

stomachache when i walk through the door

there is nothing left to explore

try to be a good little, incompetent girl

i will dance for you, i will twirl

and break and bend until my soul is shattered

cause apparently i‘m not worth my money

i don‘t deliver results

to me these words just sound like insults

little girl, do as i say, you will see one day

that i was right always and in all ways

keep working, working, working for me

my little obedient worker bee

but never ever question me

i am always right, i want it this way

and you don‘t have a single thing to say

unless i allow you to speak or want all your ideas and creativity

to mask up as my own ones and so i have won

he says grinningly, as he devastates me

now i can see

i am where i never wanted to be

again

am i strong enough this time

how much can my little tortured soul take

my dreams for my life are at stake

[nina1329]

homeland

when we met at school

we were both so cool (not!)

your curly long hair painted black

my clothes and hair reflecting the black right back

you were known to be a little reckless

but that is never the way to impress

it was all just a shell, inside you were insecure for a start

but you put a shield around your heart cause you were smart

stayed in character, even adapted some of it

so, as young people would say, times were lit

we partied, we drank, we danced and had fun

become such close friends that i even called you my best one

even the distance couldn't break the deep connection

that 8 (!) years later would turn into attraction

don't really know when it changed

but what was gained

when we found love

was so delicate that you should only touch it with a glove

island of my heart's mother tongue

climbed up a steep mountain and i was done

for good, forever, forevermore

we had no idea what live or fate or destiny had in store

you fall in love with your best friend

and you think all the bad things come to an end

but no

hurdles await around every corner

maybe we shouldn't have gone any further

long-distance, life choices, challenges, fears and depression

what was a feverish obsession

turned into contempt and routine

there is nothing that we haven't done or seen

you fall out of crazy mad love and you settle in

which is not at all a bad thing

but you take for granted, you develop into something else

it's your formative years

shed blood, sweat and tears

and when you can't go with the transition

you have to make a decision

84 moons have come and gone

and the little string starts to fray and you feel like you are done

done with the love that was everything

that was so much more than just a fling

but, it can't go on like that, i will resent you, things have to be different

what was once important becomes irrelevant

so you say goodbye to the love of your live

and think, 'am i going to survive?'

the freedom was nice and i needed it too

i know who i am and i like her

but who am i really without you

my lover, my homeland, my confidant, my best friend

i couldn't believe that this is how it was supposed to end

you are my daylight, my north star

but you left some deep, deep scar

still: when you know you know

you know where to go

back to your homeland

to the only one who understands

who you really are and accepts everything about you

so that's what you do

and you find out, he found himself in the meantime

and you find your way back to each other

and now you really know you know

cause you lost it and got it back

and it's the only thing that makes sense

it's better than ever and even more intense

the world could throw sticks and stones

they could crush your bones

but you are home

[nina1329]

time, wondrous time

my heroine says, 'all is fair in love and poetry'

so i think it's time to make a mockery

of the past, of you

cause time is such a wondrous thing

you can't see it when you are wrapped up and within

they say, 'time heals all wounds'

and you roll your eyes because you think,

'they have no idea, that's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend, not even all the time in the universe could alleviate this ache'

but what you don't know is that time is magic

because while you are staying in the static

it works its powers and makes you whole

and gives you back what others stole

wounds healed, wounds sealed

by not talking, seeing, hearing, speaking, dreaming

the hold you had that seemed impossible to be broken

has gone away, i am no longer your token

in a game that you play, every day

i loved you and it almost ruined my life

the cuts so deep they felt like a knife

but your ignorance and cold-heartedness brought me back to where i belong

and the bond has never been this strong

and forever is the sweetest con

and i could go on and on and on

about how you almost cost me everthing

about all the little stings

but, finally, i just don't care anymore

so long

goodbye, ivy

forevermore

[nina1329]

be your own valentine

world in love, world with doves

broken heart, broken start

everyone‘s in love and happy

you are sitting there, thinking ‚they‘re all so sappy‘

love songs, rom coms, fairy tales

a pop princess and a football star

while you feel alone and trying to heal your scar

but i can tell you a secret, you don‘t even have to keep it

spread it all around like wet wet wet do it with love

cause, you know what, loving someone else is nice and all, but never enough

be your own valentine, your romeo or juliet

that is the one thing you ought to never forget

someone else can only love you so much, even to the moon and to saturn

but you can never return

the love they give as they try to make you love yourself while you solely feel disgust and hate

i won‘t lie, it’s a struggle, it‘s a fight, it’s a war

evil hateful thoughts that you have to learn to ignore

in the labyrinth of your own mind and soul

you will find gold and learn to be your own treasure that you found without a map

so take the step into the light

you can escape your darkest night

and on the other side there is love love love

even greater than ever before

cause you are your own valentine

and someone else just happens to gift you flowers and wine

[nina1329]

stardust

sprinkles, little sprinkles of light

lighting up even my darkest night

with you there is no fight or flight

it’s just stay, stay, stay - it’s alright

every day, day, day - i‘m glad we survived the great separation

the great alienation

the divide of two nations

time in exile made us grow on our own

and now it seems that we have won

fairy dust, stardust, little sprinkles all around

they don‘t make a sound but keep us bound

through all these years and forevermore

this is it now, we swore

hold my hand

in our homeland

where we take a stand

for everything we built

where there is no guilt

only peace and calm

i want to keep you from dusk til dawn

a connection that can’t be put into words

for which in ancient times they would have pulled their swords

and just like the knights, i will fight

for everything and evermore

cause we survived the great war

[nina1329]

constellations

when stars get in formation

we call it a constellation

when two lives intertwine, the stars align

star-crossed lovers, twin air signs

thwarted by a malign star

cuts so deep and bloody

leave a permanent scar

the night sky shows castor and pollux

bound together for eternity as gemini

the Gods look down heaving a deep, regretful sigh

when what they had planned is destroyed by human behavior

can’t even be salvaged by the moon, her savior

a space-time continuum set up by the universe and fate

two puzzle pieces and four dimensions but nonetheless always too late

water bearer zodiac connection

dynamics collide upon reflection

not enough water to end the drought

in a heavenly desert built of stardust

passion, compassion, hatred and lust

shooting stars sent to help with desires

at their landing setting off fires

aquarius carrying water to suffocate the flames

but the remains are uncertain of his claims

celestial power proven in constellations

human interference in starry salvation

of a person with two hearts beating

in search for a ray of light

but constellations are only visible at night

[nina1329]

ivy

ivy is an evergreen, something that you might think you‘ve often seen

it crawls up on buildings, old houses with a solid ground, steady and steadfast

historic monuments usually built to last

but ivy finds a way to cover it up

to grow on walls built up so high and thick

to creep inside to the very core

it‘s ivy league, it’s something else

it’s poison ivy, it creeps into your cells

its eyes so green, the colour is reflected everywhere and all around

taking up space without making any sound

a rampant, clinging evergreen vine

it won‘t let go once it starts to wrap and twine and intertwine

vines crossing every single line of defense

covering up windows to the outside world

the screaming inside won’t be heard

ivy grows without human assistance

knowing its significance

it won‘t allow any interference

by the human hand or heart

ivy extract provides remedy

but take too much and it will change its melody

the only way out is to surrender

for worse or for better

cause evergreen can‘t mean evermore

ivy won’t let you survive with a soul so sore

[nina1329]

City navideña

At night, sparkling, glistening, glimmering, shimmering, twinkling lights

children's faces gleaming with joy and christmas delight

it's a magical time

even without believing in the divine

joy and happiness and illumination

a feria navideña at every station

el caganer, el tió de nadal

navidad a la catalana for everyone and for all

magical city ends the dark night of the soul

makes life brighter, lighter, takes away the cold

By day, lifeless wires hanging without purpose from lantern poles

early morning sighting of lost souls

outcasts, outsiders sitting intoxicated on a bench

not by the magical ciudad but by life's awful stench

delivery guys waiting but there is nothing to deliver

as they sit in the cold they start to quiver

tristeza, pobreza, soledad, desesperación

i think, in the morning the magic is gone

shopping traffic, spend the money, spend it now

but even if i know better, i do it anyhow

lotería navideña, people standing in long lines

queuing up, wishing 'this time, it'll be mine'

jackpot, dinero, the big win right in front of them

so close they can almost smell it, there's nothing to condemn

porque la ciudad te encanta con su encanto

the lights also sparkle by day, they are here to stay

this city has a different alma

me siempre hace sentir una calma

que no conozco en casa

es que aquí mi historia se basa

independencia, manifestación, el alma catalana siempre lucha por algo

feministes contra feixisme i racisme

perqué el feixisme avança si no se'l combat

scream the writings on the wall

because the catalan spirit always stands tall

like in life, in this city there is darkness and there is light

but in barcelona more of the latter is in sight

a city with dark corners and lost souls

but at the same time, a ciudad that helps you grow

beauty, belleza, maravillas, wonders all around

la capital de cataluña has its own peculiar sound

el mar, las olas, la arena, el aire de libertad

this ciutat has me feeling love-struck

when my feet touch the sand

i feel as light as a feather, it's a sleight of hand

la fachada de Battló, leaves everybody in awe

magic and fantasy manifested in a building exterior

nothing can compare to this artistry, it's just superior

Gaudí at every step and breath you take

he left his mark on the city with what he planned to make

la Sagrada es algo indescriptible

y tampoco solo es lo visible

se siente su espíritu en cada de sus obras

you can never get enough, you will always want más

está flotando en el aire, la magia del maestro

and i never wanna let go

when i have to go home it always breaks a piece of my heart

so, by now, it looks like trencadís, like mosaic art

t'estimo, barcelona

[nina1329]

no words

a sadness so deep and so dark

that even a writer can't put it into words anymore

a sadness so painful and so intense

that words fail to describe it in every sense

a sadness turning into madness

that seems inescapable

a heart so shattered that not even Gaudí could make mosaic art out of it anymore

a heart so broken that there seems to be no way to ever put it back together again

a heart struggling every single day

how often can you let yourself be pushed away

and keep coming back for more?

an addiction to the pain

a pain so strong it hits you to the core

an indescribable pain you try to ignore

until it hits you out of nowhere one day

and you break down crying cause you know you will go back for more

just to be pushed away again and again and again

breaking your heart for the 100th time

cause i am yours but you're not mine

[nina1329]

heartstrings

they call them heartstrings

i call them mysterious things

it's an invisible string, for a visible thing

they call it music and sound

i call it the thing by which we are bound

melodies, rhythm, lyrics and words

they connect our two worlds

music sounds better with you and i wanna be yours

are the sonic glimpses i get through closed doors

at least that is what i thought

until you got caught

by me, realizing i'm a puppet on your heartstring

you play me, play games, play with my feelings

i think i have finally reached the ceilings

of these elaborate constructions in my mind

that make up reasons for what i find

in your brutal behavior, cruel and mean

tearing me apart at the seams

play me like a violin

lately, my skin has gotten too thin

for your twisted games, and your harsh way to play

just be normal, just be kind, i say

and i am not one to pray

but i beg of you to just say it once

so we can be done for good and move on with it

but you will never admit

what it is, what it was

what is your loss

others tell me they see it in your eyes

all i feel is being despised

when it was me who got burnt by you

all the lovesickness you put me through

others tell me they have never seen sparks fly like that

but even sparks can make you upset

if they burn and hurt you and leave you wanting to die

when you cannot get a simple reply

i know where it's coming from

i know why it upsets me so much

i still long to feel your touch

oh play me, play me oh some more

continue your chess move where you ignore

me, your feelings, how i pull on your heartstrings

every single time we go get drinks

can't look me in the eyes for even a second too long

cause if you do you can't keep up acting strong

and dismissive of me, my thoughts, my character, my face

cause you know i will put you in your place

that's why you have to put me down

don't listen to the sounds i send

cause it would be too much to be felt

fine, don't answer and dismiss me

but you know i will always be

the one you compare other girls to

and even they will be bored by you

like she was, like i wish to be

cut the cord, cut the string

even if it will sting

a little longer, my issues make it that way

but i've realized, i can't stay

heartstrings will always pull me back

to you, no matter the cost

so i will leave and you will realize what you could have had and lost

[nina1329]

wordplay

secure, insecure, obscure

dark, stark, arc

story arc, love story, arc of love

good love, bad love, sad love, mad love

love to hate, nation to state

state of the art, state of the heart

broken heart, token heart

love-struck, lovesick, lovelorn, reborn

dying, crying, sighing

let in, let go, let out, let down

blindsided, one-sided, one-minded

twin flame, twin sane, twin insane

in sync, out of sync, disease, release

soul mate, one soul, one mate

made for each other, tore into each other

red, green, brown, light and dark

darkness, forgiveness, clearness

resentment, apartment, contentment

anger, danger, madness, love, hate

love to hate

open the gate, shut the door

say no more, my heart is sore

robbed me like a store

store-bought, store caught, bad thought

thinking that you thought

thoughtful, awful, wonderful, hateful

admit, got hit, go with it

call it what it was

what it was

was your loss

[nina1329]

seasonal recurrence

tight chest, body ache

mind acting as if everything is at stake

fears, tears, cheers, electric pulses keeping you awake

society, anxiety, variety

strangers, dangers, angers

mosaic broken heart

needing a restart

let go, let in, let it rest, let out

chestache, heartache, headache

people pleasing, people teasing, people

don't say no, don't reschedule, don't disappoint

no matter what

it's nice to have a friend

it's nice to have two friends

how many is too many friends

expectations, revelations, contemplations

little girl inside

eyes open wide

everybody loves me, i love to be liked

i don't want to be despised

will they still love me if I say no

body says slow down, you don't have to go

depression, anxiety, seasons changing

does it help if i'm engaging

in too many activities - is it bad?

am i mad, sad or is it S.A.D?

[nina1329]

closure or is it just time to go?

yeah, I say, "I'm done" but I'm still confused. how am I supposed to close the door when I still need the closure?

- Sabrina Carpenter, Already Over on Emails I can't send (2022)

i know that it's over, i don't need your closure.

- Taylor Swift, closure on evermore (2021)

that old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul, you know when it's time to go.

- Taylor Swift, it's time to go on evermore (deluxe version) (2021)

i could probably go on and on forevermore referencing different lyrics, poems and opinions on the topic of closure - as i have been doing in my head lately. still, i haven't found a solution yet and the concept of closure still baffles me.

is it just something that has to happen over time? is there a specific amount of time or does it vary by how much you have been hurt by someone or something? what if the person you want and need closure from still makes a daily appearance in your life and so you just can't get the closure you need? what if you experience these same snaps that break your soul day in day out and no matter what you do, you cannot seem to escape it?

what if the pain is so heavenly that you torture yourself by ripping off these band-aids that you dilettantely tried to patch up your wounds with - pretending to be fine when you know in your broken soul you're not? what if the person that causes you pain just can't seem to stop themself? what if the closure was just that person finally admitting what everybody knows so you know that you weren't crazy all this time and imagined things that weren't there like they wanted you to believe? what if that person can't and won't let you have closure because they want you around? what if the person is never ready to admit that or simply call it what it was - how do you get closure?

is the solution to keep torturing yourself? will closure come even if the thing that hurt you is omnipresent and you can't stop thinking about it?

do you forgive and forget but never let it go? do you let it go? or is it just time to go?

as of today, i tend toward it's time to go. in your soul, you know you will never get closure if you don't go, leave it or them behind, set your sights on something new or something you know is better for you, the best decision for you, in fact.

sometimes giving up is the strong thing, sometimes to run is the brave thing, sometimes walking out is the one thing, that will find you the right thing.

- Taylor Swift, it's time to go on evermore (deluxe version) (2021)

so, i guess, for me, it's time to go. otherwise, i'm right where you left me - i'm still at the restaurant, at the beginning of the year when i didn't know that i would need closure (from you) at the end of it.

[nina1329]

when i found myself

it seems that what people say about being in your thirties is actually true. in your twenties you're all over the place, searching for your purpose in life, a job, a career, a partner, your point of view, your convictions or just searching in general ... it mostly isn't even clear what it is you are looking for. and then there is a shift ... or at least there was one for me.

it didn't happen immediately when i turned thirty, and it obviously didn't happen over night. it happened slowly and gradually until one day i felt that it had happened and that something was completed. it's hard to describe this feeling i am experiencing at the moment but i'll try. it feels like i have found myself but not on a surface level, rather, this is very deep and profound, it's like i can see my soul and can acknowledge that i am human. i feel as if i have arrived at my destination - for now - and i see myself for who i am.

at 31 years old, i FINALLY don't give a fuck what people think about me. my perfectionism is a beautiful creature accompanying me - and i think it'll always be there - but i have domesticated it. my people pleasing is still present, too, but i have accepted it and it doesn't overwhelm me anymore. it is just part of who i am.

i am empathetic to a fault. i love with my whole heart - and fast. i try to see the good in everything and everyone. i give people second, third and hundredth and too many chances - but it is because i see their humanity, their imperfections, their struggles and their demons. cause i have demons, too. the darkness is strong sometimes but i have found that i am supposed to be the light. the light in people's lives. cause i love to make them feel seen, i love to make them laugh, i love to make them feel understood and i love to make them feel loved. and that is okay, that is who i am. however, not at the cost of my own happiness and well-being - that's the lesson here.

especially as women, we have to learn that it is okay to put yourself first, put your accomplishments in the spotlight, voice your opinions and stand up for what you believe in. i did that in the past couple of years and now i get to harvest what i have planted. i am not afraid anymore to say what i need to say because i know what i bring to the table, know my skills, emotional intelligence and wits. and suddenly people know exactly what you stand for and even if they don't agree they always remember. maybe you are going to offend someone but - believe me - they will get over it faster than you need to stop thinking about if you have offended them.

will imposter syndrome come to visit you sometimes and try to tell you that you don't deserve anything - duh. but i have reached a point where i'm just annoyed by it right now and ignore it until it goes away.

i have also learned that you should just do whatever the hell you want. NOBODY CARES. people are so invested in their own lives, are occupied with their own problems and issues. so just do what makes you happy and have fun. sad times will come inevitably, so enjoy the days that are bright and full of color and light.

another thing i have learned is that you are going to meet people in your life that you assign a certain role to: best friend, love interest, companion, etc. however, sometimes you might assign them the wrong role and only learn later on that the reason they came into your life is a different one than you thought. it may be hard at first to accept that and that they perhaps don't want you the same way or see you as fully as you see them but it is possible. nonetheless, those people that don't see your worth (and i don't mean in a capitalist way - do you even know me at all? ;)) - those people can just leave. you don't have to make place for them in your life anymore. byeeee.

however, it is the people! it's the people you decide to surround yourself with that make your life - not the money, not the job, not your boss applauding you. so be sure to remember that. i know this sounds like a cliché but it's true - i swear.

i have never been so sure of myself as i am right now. my place in this world. my purpose. my light. and that is a nice feeling for a change. so i'm gonna try to hold on to it as long as i can. and put it down into words so i can remember it - all too well.

it's wonderful if you have someone that loves every fiber of your being, all your weird quirks and peculiar patterns. but it can never be another person's job to make you feel whole and happy. it's so fucking hard but we have to find happiness on our own.

after a devastating break-up i had to re-learn who i am outside this seven-year-relationship and i could do it. that means so can you! did i take some weird turns? yep. did i act a little unhinged? uhmmm ... sure. but as i've already said: NO ONE CARES. and now this love came back to me but so much healthier and still in progress ... but you come back to what you need eventually, right?!