ninasdrafts - Tumblr blog

[ninasdrafts]

“You could always tell my fake smiles from my real ones. When it comes to this, I wish I could have lied to you to make things easier. It still amazes me, to be known, to be seen like this - and to go back to being strangers despite of it. To forget the shape of your palm pressed to mine. To unknow the cadence of your laughter. To unlearn the secret language we taught ourselves over the years. It’s a shame we didn’t last. It’s a shame that I was lucky enough to meet someone who took the time to get to know my soul only to let them go again.”

— to be seen like this / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

Hey! I love your writing/drafts. Do you post stories as well? If so, where can I read them?

Hey, thank you so much! 😊 Not yet, but I'm hoping to start querying later this year and if it all works out you'll hopefully get my book at some point.

[ninasdrafts]

(shortened)

[ninasdrafts]

Your heart cries out for me and you'd do anything to silence it. I'd know. I'd know because while you might've done your best to forget about it, I can't help but remember that our hearts used to beat to the same rhythm. The connection stands. It's feeble, but it's still there, even if you try to smother it. I guess if two people used to understand each other without words, it leaves a mark, no matter how much you want to cover it up. I admire you for not wanting to pick at scabs. For wanting to see your scars healed. For deleting photos and texts, and for looking for ways to avoid saying my name out loud. Would you change history if you could? Erase and rewrite, or blot out the paragraphs about us? You've always been a bad liar, so you can go on and say you don't miss me. I know the truth. I can see it when I close my eyes. I can hear it in a room filled with laughter, conversation and music. But I respect your decision - I pretend nothing is amiss every time my heart beats without yours close to it.

your heart cries out for me / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

“Lately I’ve been feeling closer to you than I have in years. I don’t know why - nothing happened to tell me we’d stand a chance now, changed and all grown up. Nothing happened to indicate you wanted to see me again. So why have I found myself wondering what you were doing, dreaming up scenarios of us together? Snuggled up on the sofa, my head in the crook of your arm, asking you about your day. In the car, holding hands between the seats, singing along to the radio. I don’t have an answer. If we met again what would even happen? I don’t recall what it’s like to be awkward around you, walking on eggshells, my voice soft and small. That’s not who I am anymore. Would you even recognise me? At this point I regret to say there are things about you I don’t remember, like the sound of your laughter, or the way you smell and it hurts to feel this way about you. It’s like we’ve only ever lived inside a memory together until one day I could no longer tell the exact shade of your eyes and the feel of your hair between my fingers, and it was over, just like that. I became too forgetful and outgrew what I thought I knew about you. I’ve been making up reasons why you would randomly think of me and I came up empty. So maybe you’re not really closer after all - I’m only starting to forget you while my mind is so set on remembering that it brings you up every once in a while, just in case. Just in case the world shifts and our paths cross again and our pieces fit together once more.”

— inside a memory / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

I remember. The night was still warm, the grass underneath my feet soft. You pulled me closer. You wanted to talk. I was tired of talking. The apology sat on your tongue, the one I deserved, but I didn't want to hear it. I asked you to tell me something worthwhile instead. You said you'd really tried to move on, but you ended up looking for me in everyone you started seeing. In everyone you talked to. In everyone you kissed. You said you'd never met anyone quite like me. I shouldn't have given in, should've told you that you'd had your chance, many of them. But this was the kind of attention I'd been starving for. The kind of warranty I'd demanded, even though there would never be an insurance. And true enough, a few months later I found you were slipping away from me again. Slowly but steady, like a river current. Your cups disappeared from my cupboard. Your shirts vanished from my drawer. Your hand slid out of mine. You might not remember it, now that you're happy, now that you've moved on - for real, this time. But I will remember. I'll always remember what you said to me that night.

remember that night / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

"A love you never have to heal from" is such a beautiful phrase, wow.

[ninasdrafts]

While this piece was very much inspired by a writing prompt, the back cover of the new TPD variant reminded me of it.

// YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME ABOUT SAD //

- n.j.

@taylorswift 🤍

[ninasdrafts]

After all these years, these thoughts are still what keeps you awake at night, even though you'd sworn to yourself you wouldn't go back there. I think it's because we faded over time. Quietly. Naturally. I didn't disappear from your life - the parts I gave to you just became smaller and smaller and one day you no longer recognised them as mine. Sometimes I find myself thinking it would've hurt less if there'd been a big fallout. If there'd been hurtful words and betrayals and ugly truths. My loud laughter faded to whispers. Whispers faded to silence. I belonged to you and then I didn't. And even though you don't want to, you find yourself lying awake in the middle of the night, your finger tracing the spot where I used to stretch out my hand, waiting for our palms to meet.

fading / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

This is for the book and writer girlies, aka ME! My time to shine

April 19 🤍 store.taylorswift.com

[ninasdrafts]

this, past tense

[ninasdrafts]

“Our story’s a real tragedy, isn’t it? There’s no start and no end, all we do is go in circles. We’re almost and we’re maybe and we’re nearly over and we have only begun, with no end in sight. We’re stuck in the middle and have nowhere left to run. We’re uncertain and loose ends, we’re heartbreak and the best that has ever happened, you to me and me to you. We were broken but we fixed each other, yet we came apart too often to be whole. We are so scared of getting hurt, we don’t see that being together is the only thing that cuts us open. Yet we can’t resist, can’t let go and don’t listen, we turn a blind eye to all that we are and all that we’ll never be.”

— on why two people who are no good for each other stay together, n.j. (via ninasdrafts)

[ninasdrafts]

reworked

[ninasdrafts]

“No matter how many years have gone by with us not talking, I could never completely cut you out of my life. I could never erase every last trace you’ve left behind. When two people go through so much together, it’s impossible to emerge unchanged. An inexplainable connection is forged that can withstand dark days and grief, but sometimes crumbles underneath something as relentless as time. I believe over the years we outgrow tiny parts of ourselves and when they have an impact on other people, we leave these fragments behind like footprints on their souls. In a way, I am the sum of the parts I created myself and of those others gave to me - most of them I got from you. You changed the way I looked at the world, so I guess it was only a matter of time until I picked up some of your habits. Truth is I still think of you when I drink hazelnut cappuccino or when that song we used to sing on karaoke nights plays on the radio. I can’t bear to throw away that mug you gave to me on my birthday twelve years ago. I wonder if there are moments that make you think of me. I hope they’re happy memories and don’t carry the weight of how our ways parted. You’re part of who I am today and I would never want to erase you. If I could give you one piece of me that stayed with you over the years and made you smile only once it’d be enough for me.”

— you’re part of who I am / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

reworked

[ninasdrafts]

Congratulations. You've made it. Again. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but if it does - if you had to fight to get here, if you had to claw your way to the end of this year - that's fine. If you've been waiting for the final days to roll in after a cozy (or a crazy?) Christmas, they are here at last. Close your eyes. Think of everything you've achieved this year. Think of moments that made you wish you could bottle them up and keep them forever, warm days drenched in sunlight and laughter that made your stomach hurt and people who make you feel so light it feels like flying. Imagine how many more moments like these 2024 will have in store. I hope you find the courage to chase them. I hope you hold on to these people, no matter what life throws your way. I know the missing won't stop, it won't go away, but I hope you'll find it easier to bear. Don't forget that problems aren't solved overnight, but that things do look different after a good night's sleep. I hope the next year will bring you closer to the person you want to be, to the person you are meant to be. Please don't be afraid of change. Of growth. Of letting go and moving on. It's a process, one that does not end with December 31st. It begins and ends with you. And in one year's time, you'll be sitting in the exact same spot, wondering how you got here - but maybe you won't. I hope you'll know, hope you'll remember how you pushed through. Maybe in one year's time, you'll look back at the greatest year of your life (so far). From the bottom of my heart, I hope you do.

hi, 2024 / n.j.

[ninasdrafts]

"Think of me next time you visit," you said, and I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. You still didn't know. You didn't get it. Needless to say, I thought of you all the time.

excerpt from a book I'll never write / n.j.