nonbeas

[nonbeas]

Wednesday October 23rd 2024

I haven't posted in a while and truly I've been busy.

I've kind of been busy, I mean, I've been busier, but also, I've been in a mindset where I'm giving myself permission to sleep. Something I think about a lot is I don't feel sad when I'm sleeping, so I'd like to sleep for as long as possible.

That's probably not a great thing, but it's better then before, where if I didn't have anything in the morning and I didn't wake up early, I'd feel really bad about myself. Right now I'm simply staying asleep and also not feeling bad. At least, not consciously. I'm sure it's there in the subconscious ready to creep back up as soon as I start feeling more worthless.

I really think I'm autistic. I know that I can't say that for sure without a diagnosis, but I just get so upset about the most normal of things. I'm starting to think my emotional regulation actually just isn't that great. I do things I think are right, people get upset with me, and I just can't help but feel whatever I could possibly do to make it better will just make it worse. I'm thinking this out in a much separate way then how you normally think. It's like, I can't say things correctly or they always come out wrong, so I'll just bumble back into the same situation that made people mad at me in the first place.

I've also realized that more people than I thought are just ok with people being mad at them. Like, it's not as big of a deal as I think it is.

I blame my parents. Specifically, I blame my mom. I guess my dad enabled it too. Being a people pleaser. It's not just a mindset, it's completely rooted in my brain. I don't think I can get it out. I could act differently but it'll be emotionally upsetting

I'm watching a film on Netflix about a family that accidentally goes back in time. It's set in Europe and after like, a storm or something, they find themselves in a medieval town.

Actually they're definitely in a game of werewolves - that's the game they were playing come to life. It's like European reverse jumanji.

I think it's set in Rothenburg ab der Tauber - it's probably a popular place to film these kinds of things. I want to say the castle and the walls look familiar but honestly all medieval castles look like that.

it seems they have developed powers, like in the game. That's kind of fun. The dad can read minds and the grandpa's dementia is suddenly gone and he has super strength now.

I'm not trying to be performative, I genuinely suddenly started getting into the movie I put on.

Agatha All Along Episode 7 was really good. Compared to the last two episodes, it was suddenly very cinematic. I guessed that it was going to be shown out of time, and then when they started getting into it, it was crazy. Lilia was both literally and figuratively "the good witch." Also I feel like all (maybe not all, but most) big secrets were revealed because of her. She just learns stuff and spills, because it's important, she's not trying to play games, she does everything for the good of others, and then she just goes and sacrifices herself.

Would the Salem Seven still have had to deal with the gravity flip disaster if Lilia locked them in, or was Lilia's presence after the trial the key to all of that?

I had a phone interview with a private lessons studio and it went pretty well. I'm nervous about managing my schedule if it starts going well but I think it'll be ok. I'll have to step back from my weekly ensembles a little bit and it'll suck rearranging that, but I know it'll be alright in the end.

I hope I'm good at it. I have a mock lesson with the interviewer next week. I haven't actually taught many private lessons, only someone who was moderately self taught. but they use Faber books, which I'm comfortable with. And I know how I could supplement my own stuff in there.

For the mock lesson, I'm assuming the "student" is a beginner piano player. So here's my plan of action, which can vary greatly depending on the student.

The most important things for new learners to know is the notes on the keyboard. I'm not even going to worry about technique or hands at first. . First I'm going to talk about the musical alphabet. I'll ask them if they know the alphabet song (most students should but some of them are as young as 5.) I'm going to have them sing up to G over an over with me. (Perhaps I can play twinkle twinkle little star as we sing, if the kid likes singing.) Then I'll tell them about how to find C using the two accidentals. I'll have them find every single C on the piano and count them. The fourth C is "middle" C.

Then we'll go up the board from whichever C we started at. All the way up the keys. CDEFG - then what? A. Start at A and go up to G. We can still be singing out loud if that's what the kid likes. Then once we get to the top, go back to the bottom and do it again.

Question: what happens to the sound as you go up the keyboard? High vs low definition of keys. The right goes higher, the left goes lower. Then we can talk about the alphabet going backwards as it goes down. That'll be tricky and more introductory, we can spend more time on that as we go on.

This is when I'll take a break from the piano and talk about hand shape. Make an O with hands, or hold on to our knee, curve our fingers up. Tap our thumbs with each finger. Then find the side of the first finger. Tap each finger one at a time on a table keeping that curve. Start introducing talking about the number of fingers - doesn't need to be official info, just start using that terminology.

Using our fingers and putting it together: Find C again and put our thumb there, the rest of the fingers on a key. Practice tapping and naming keys up to G and backwards. Do the same with the left hand, thumb on C and go backwards. Then try two hands together for extra hard level.

This will be the warm up to start for the next couple of lessons.

I'm wondering if I should start with rhythm reading right away, or get used to the piano more. I could use musescore or some of those YouTube play alongs that I've used before to start feeling a beat and starting with quarter notes and eighth notes and eighth note rests. Then I could have them find their favorite note and play along to some play alongs, before we get into music reading.

So it could be always 5-10 minutes rhythm reading activity, maybe at the beginning or the end.

Technique - notes - rhythm. That's beginning stuff. There should be a little bit of each. For younger kids, also just a lot of puzzles, play alongs, maybe introducing the metronome and drum beats and music.

The next steps would be reading and writing. That'll happen a little bit with the faber books. Quizzing on the notes on the piano, starting to introduce notes on the page. Start getting into reading FACE and EGBDF on the treble staff, and ACEG and GBDFA.

This will become more integrated with reading.

I think it would also be neat to actually get students reading and writing a little bit, but I'm not sure exactly how. Lots of kids don't use paper and pencil to read and write nowadays, and I don't mean that as a "back in my day" talk. I mean literally. I've been in the current public school system and it's literally so normal to use Chromebooks for everything. I've seen upper elementary schoolers who genuinely couldn't write complete sentences.

Writing this out, I don't think my "curriculum" is organized. I should come up with like, an excel sheet or something.

More to come,

Bea

[nonbeas]

Daily Tarot

Death - Amethyst - a release or ending of something before.

Page of Swords - Garnet - in reverse - have cynicism or sarcasm, putting up defense mechanism

The last chapter is closed and while facing new beginnings, I might be struggling with being optimistic.

How to help with that struggle

King of Swords - Gold - a masculine/air related figure, the peak of intelligence/focus. Focus yourself, become the "King of Swords" - enact discipline, authority, high standards.

Basically, you have to try to fight/reason yourself out of it.

I applied for a job as a private music instructor at a studio that a friend works at. We'll see how it goes, but it does directly conflict with some Saturday rehearsals during the winter drumline season. But I will simply be communicative about that and do what I can.

[nonbeas]

Tarot is Actually Kind of Helping Me

Wednesday, October 16th, 2024

It could also be confirmation bias, but who knows. I'm woo woo enough for this.

I have a crystal deck that I bought (I know, I know) a long time ago. I don't even remember when I bought it, but it was sometime in college, either during or right before COVID. I got mainly into witchtok during Covid, and that's when I started practicing.

Practicing is a really generous term. I'm generally very much lost, and any practice that I did was just re-purposed Catholicism.

I have devotion candles to Hades, because I like the guy. I don't know if he likes me, but I like him.

In modern times, I light my green candle with the pluto/hades signs to keep me company while I do chores, or while I do some kind of ritual for myself/others. But I don't do it a lot.

I collected a fair number of crystals, I have a pendulum- it's rose quartz. I also recently discovered a goldstone pendulum that I don't recall buying and no one knows where it came from. So, that's cool???? (I probably did buy it and just don't remember doing it. I find that a little hard to believe though because I generally don't buy things that I already own.)

I always loved the idea of tarot but always had a hard time actually doing tarot. I can't read the cards, I have a hard time remembering what each one means without a guide.

So, something randomly motivated me to start doing tarot with my journals, and just like, writing it down and looking up what it means. You know, for fun. But now I'm suddenly more into it.

The tarot reading before the wedding was not for the wedding, I found out. it was a precursor for the whole shit that was going on with the cafe. That let me be in a shit mood for the whole wedding. But I also recognize that it's just pushing me further towards a feeling I was already beginning to feel - identity crisis/feeling lost in general. Not to mention financial stress. I haven't been particularly frugal because I wasn't aware that my idle-ness was going to be followed by real unemployment.

I had a tarot reading today before I went to teach piano. Just being in a room with a piano with time to kill - a piano not a marimba, made me just practice scales and modes, and try to memorize the formula for the modes without relying on thinking of playing each mode in a different key signature.

Like which modes are based on major or minor, and what modification has to be done.

Like, the major modes are ionian (regular major), lydian (major with a sharp fourth), mixolydian (major with a flat seventh, like a dominant chord!) and the minor modes are dorian (minor with a sharp sixth) Phrygian (minor with a flat second, although there's definitely a different version of a Phrygian that has a major third also...) aeolian (regular minor) and locrian ( flat second, flat fifth... the hardest for my head to wrap around using just the rule and not justing thinking about playing it in the key of whatever the second note is instead.)

And I remembered that when I actually apply myself, I rock at music. I rock at music theory. I re-took music theory 3 for fun and did fantastic. (It's the hardest level of theory???? Turns out it's not that hard when it's the only thing you're focusing on.)

I looked up what being a musicologist is - remembering that I do like ethnomusicology. it think that shit is the bomb. Real music is varied. I'm good at the western stuff but that's not even all that music is. Being a percussionist gives a small bit of insight of what it can be like, but even then it's still generally in a western lens.

My student also did not cancel on me, like what I thought death could've been predicting. On the contrary, it's true they didn't really practice. Half their reason is valid - some life trauma was going on. (They still could've practiced... they had a whole month. I'm generally noticing a trend in primary and secondary school dealing with time management skills...) But even when they could've practiced more, they generally hit the mark of the goal through last minute practice in the hour the lesson takes (which means they could get that shit perfect in a month, and we could do a lot more. But we'll go at their pace, there's not a rush for most of this stuff... yet.)

I realized I could probably try to be a private lessons teacher, like, in general. And I might not be total shit at it. Maybe I'd like it, maybe I won't, but I can at least try.

Something I thought about a lot when I tried to teach elementary school is I feel like I can teach the individual student. Kids by themselves are amazing creatures. Kids in a classroom... is a completely different story. Social learning and social constructs, and social perceptions, and personalities, they are the death of learning, because they're not focused on their individual learning when they're in a group. They're focused on social learning. Those are two completely different things. People are different when they're with their friends. People are different when they're with their enemies. People are different when they're being perceived in a group. A classroom is the worst combination of all three of these things. And public school is only trending towards larger class sizes for no reason.

Kids like to learn. But you can't force them to learn what you want them to learn sometimes. Only kids who really really like school will forgo the constant social learning by really engaging with individual learning. And there's a reason "nerds" are seen as socially awkward. Because it's really hard to fully commit to both types of learning at once.

People who do are seen as crazy or psychopaths. Think of someone who is incredibly smart, did well and school and were charismatic, well liked, and invited to parties? If you know someone like this, truly ask yourself if you see them as sane. Do you have a positive perception of them?

The people I know from high school who are even remotely kind of like this... tended to also be bullies. There was something left out in their learning - maybe emotional? It might've been there but was pushed aside because they didn't have the bandwidth.

I'm not saying they're all bullies, but that's who comes to mind.

Back to my original point. I'm starting to think I could realistic try teaching music again - but in a private setting. if this goes well... that opens up a new door of consideration. Performance majors often have private studios or teach in college. That's not something I'm totally against.

If not performance, then musicology of some sort. Most of music learning is theory after all, just applying technique to it.

I'm still stressed, and a little depressed, but I'm in a much better headspace. And it's kind of what the tarot cards told me this morning?

More to come,

Bea

[nonbeas]

Ignore me trying to learn tarot

Summary of the suits

Cups: water, heart (emotions) and gut (intuition)

Wands: fire, the soul, the spirit, action and willpower.

Swords: air, the mind, intellect, communication, logic.

Coins: earth, the physical body, material objects, possessions, money, career.

Some overlap: Cups and Swords - both can involve intuition. Thinking brain intuition vs heart intuition - logical intuition vs gut feelings. Same with wands - spiritual intuition.

Swords and wands - ambition. Swords is intellectual ambition, think in a Slytherin way. Wands is actionable ambition - the type of ambition that motivates you.

0s - something that doesn't exist yet.

The Fool - someone in stasis who knows nothing of the journey.

Positive: optimism, energy for the journey ahead, excitement.

Negative: foolishness, rashness, foolish and naive.

Ace or 1s represent the beginning of something.

The Magician - Someone who can create something new.

Positive: manifestation, beginnings, willpower, ambition, skill, ability.

Negative: cunning, a trickster, deceptive, an illusion.

Ace of cups: a beginning of emotions - new love, new feelings, new emotions. A new relationship, a new hobby, a new friendship?

in reverse: the lack of emotions - feeling unloved, apathetic, emotionally stunted, depression, gloominess, emotional loss.

Ace of wands: a beginning of action or spirit - new plans, new ambition, new passion, new energy.

in reverse: the lack of passion or energy, hesitancy or blocks.

Ace of swords: a beginning of intellect, a new idea, clarity or focus of the mind.

in reverse: a lack of vision- confusion, hostility, frustration and fighting.

Ace of coins: a beginning of the material, a new opportunity or new abundance, a new career or a new physical gift.

in reverse: a lack of abundance, missed opportunities, deficiency.

Twos - Dualities and/or partnership. Balance or conflict. There's two people here, are they in line with each other or at odds?

Two of cups: partnership of emotions - mutual respect, partnership, sharing of emotions.

in reverse - duality of emotions - separation, division, bad communication, rejection.

Two of wands - partnership of energy - planning, first steps of action, making decisions and taking new risks.

in reverse - duality of energy - bad planning, not taking action, fear of risk.

Two of swords - partnership of intellect - stuck between choices, stalemate or hiding information.

in reverse - duality of intellect - anxiety, stress, too much information.

I am the most confused about swords. normally the regular vs inverse are opposites of each other, like positives and negatives. but instead, I'm getting what I perceive to be negatives on both sides, not opposites of each other.

thinking about this: the normal state of two people with high intellect is that they're not going to agree. It's a conversation/debate but it's in a stalemate because both sides are presenting well. in the reverse, it's too much, and it's not just a stalemate, it's anxiety. It's the idea that there's no right or wrong decision because of moral ambiguity, not because one simply cannot decide. There's nothing hidden in the reverse, only truth. So ideally it's a positive - no hidden meanings, no deception, but it causes a negative. Like Chidi in the good place. Chidi is the reverse two of swords. The regular two of swords is like healthy rivalry?

Two of coins - partnership in material - balance of resources, a financial partnership? Flexibility.

reverse - duality of the material - messiness, chaos, overextending.

[nonbeas]

Today's Tarot

Death - Amethyst

transf­orm­ation, endings, change, transi­tion, letting go, release

For real, I don't think I can take any more of that, so I ask what specifically it's going to change or end, or what I need to let change or end.

Five of Swords - pearl

arguments, disputes, aggres­sion, bullying, intimi­dation, conflict, hostility, stress

So an end to my stress - that's great.

How, or what can I do to help that happen?

Ace of Cups - Rutile Quartz

love, new feelings, emotional awakening, creati­vity, spirit­uality, intuition

I don't think this is love/love like with a person. I think it's an awakening today/soon that will hint a new passion/emotional awakening that will point me in the right direction.

Well, today I have a private lesson with a piano student. I only seem him once a month, and they're in their last year of high school as a synth player. The purpose of our lessons is to help with some piano stuff they're lacking in their self-education so far: pedaling, scales, transposing chords. They also request help with their capstone project, singing and playing a mitski piece.

I only see them for an hour so I do what I can, and I don't charge a lot.

Something I've thought about for a long time since quitting my first career is just private lessons. I've not ever done something like that before and I'm doing it now. I like it because it's personable. It's not like doing a full curriculum class. So it might have to do with that.

OR my student is going to cancel on lessons (stress, school, work life balance. That could be the death part.)

We'll see.

[nonbeas]

Today's Tarot

Three of Swords - Amazonite - In reverse

healing, forgiv­eness, recovery, reconc­ili­ation, repressing emotions

This is funny, because I got this yesterday.

What specifically do I need to direct this energy towards

Three cards jumped out together

Three of Coins - Rhodonite

teamwork, shared goals, collab­ora­tion, appren­tic­eship, effort, pooling energy

Ten of Coins - Tiger's Eye - In Reverse

family disputes, bankru­ptcy, debt, fleeting success, conflict over money, instab­ility, breaking traditions

Seven of Swords - Silver

lies, trickery, scheming, strategy, resour­cef­ulness, sneaki­ness, cunning

Ok So it's clear to me spirit/tarot is telling me to recover - forgive? this whole situation.

Today I need to recover/heal/forgive the situation dealing with teamword/apprenticeship (cafe job) it's causing money conflicts (I'm very stressed) and it's all because of lies/schemes.

Often I feel like tarot tells me things I already know.

If it's telling me to forgive them? No? I don't think I could even if I tried. If it's telling me I'm going to focus on recover or just need to heal from this - ok. But like, how?

-How

Three of Wands - Tiger Iron

momentum, confid­ence, expansion, growth, foresight, looking ahead

Ok, so that's the problem though. I want to do that but I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to do anything, and there's so much I don't want to give up in order to set future plans.

[nonbeas]

Everything is awful

Tuesday October 15th 2024

Immediately after making that tarot post, I got in the car to drive to the wedding rehearsal. Then I got a text from my "boss" telling me they didn't need my help anymore and that I was basically being let go.

I hate that she didn't even want to tell me what happened, she just used the "we're going in a new direction."

Bullshit, like I couldn't go in that new direction too. We know exactly what direction we're going in.

So what I internalized from that was the new direction they were going in was against their word. A new direction that didn't include truthfulness, that didn't include anything they formally discussed with their past employees.

I had been idle, trying and failing to get seasonal work, probably because my job applications mentioned that I was still technically employed at that cafe, I was refusing to fully commit to leaving them, because I had believed what they told me before they closed.

I like to believe people that keep their word. They didn't. They're liars. They said they'd contact employees from the original cafe and give them preference before they reopen. They're liars. Or they forgot about me entirely.

I'm already struggling with my own self-identity, my own self-worth and what my purpose is, what I should be doing with myself. What career I should actually trying to be leaning into. This was another straw broken that's completely shattering my self-image.

So this whole weekend while dealing with the wedding, I haven't exactly been in the greatest mood. I want to like weddings but bad things keep happening this year.

I'm about to talk about texting and driving, so I don't want to hear about how dangerous it is. I know it is. I'm not going to gloat and say I'm just good at it. I will say that so far I've been lucky.

I wanted to talk to someone while I cried, but it's tough because it feels like a pity call, that really I'm just bothering people. I text a past employee, Jovan, who is sympathetic but realistically still has a job there. (I wouldn't know, he hasn't responded since.) He was family friends with the owners and they often talked about training him to bartend for the new place. So hearing about his fate, regardless of which one it is, would not really make me feel any different.

I text Mason, who tells me the whole things bullshit. I know it is.

I get to the wedding venue, a lovely fairy tale inspired European venue with a lamp-lit courtyard and a wood and stone speckled ballroom. I walk towards my sister, who can tell that I am upset as I am still crying and puffy eyed, and I sulk next to her and other bridesmaid. I comedically exclaim that I do not know her when she comforts me, because I am the one who is publicly breaking down at a wedding that may include strangers I don't know. (Her name is Xenia.) We all wait around for a while, because even though the rehearsal started at 2, Natalie and Brendan do not actually arrive for about a half hour.

Once they arrive I am gifted the dogs, who I immediately treat to two CBD stress-reducing chews. (This was not enough.) Brendan's sister and her husband are here, and their children are the ring bearer and the flower girl. They are toddlers and despite being quite cute, add another layer of chaos that really sets the tone to the whole evening. They simultaneously love the dogs and are afraid of the dogs.

Also, they are toddlers. Need I say more.

During the first walk through, I wait with the dogs to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to do. Natalie mentioned before that other people in the party might be walking them out? The wedding coordinator lines up the party at the altar and decidedly has them leave so they can practice a full walkthrough one more time.

It is then that it was decided that Ford, the boyfriend of the maid of honor, would be my co-handler. I would handle the older golden retriever while he would handle the younger one, and we would walk out after the ring bearer and flower girl, who are both in love and in fear with the dogs.

We are given shoddy instructions about where we are standing.

We go on a tour with the rest of the wedding party of the facilities. Afterwards, Natalie gives us more specific instructions about what exactly we should do with the dogs, and we do a private walk through one more time in the courtyard.

The next day, we would be given completely different instructions on what to do by the event coordinator.

Anyways, I go home and drop the dogs off. I'm still generally upset about the whole being fired thing. My main grievance is the fact that I directly asked them before we closed to let me know ASAP if they choose not to have me back, so I can focus on replacing them for work. They said of course we'll let you know.

They did not let me know, so I am officially unemployed.

Settling the dogs in took longer than I expected. But I do not mind, as I've been away from the dogs that actually live there too, and they deserve to stretch their legs.

Eventually I figure it out and kennel them all up before heading back to the rehearsal dinner - it's at a barbecue place that I had never been to before.

I'm late, of course, and I'm only there for about 20 minutes before it's clear they're winding down.

My sister and the bridesmaids all have a long list of to-do's from Natalie, and I ask to come along. If I'm going to be using this much gas for handling the dogs, I might as well make each trip more worthwhile.

We go to their hotel room, where I leave my car. My sister drives me around as they visit many grocery stores to find the correct wine, cookies, brunch foods and decorations for the next morning's preparation events.

Eventually, I go back home.

Four dogs, of which two are puppies, was a lot to manage.

As I type this two days later, they are still here, and I'm not sure when Natalie and Brendan's dogs are leaving.

It is a lot to manage.

I might have hexed the cafe owners.

The next day, I go to my mother's house to help her with some chores.

I leave and get ready for the wedding.

I give the dogs three CBD chews this time (it was still not enough.)

Ford and I are on dog duty the whole ceremony, and I think we do as well as we could given their temperaments and generally training. The older dog is better trained, but has a lot of separation anxiety. This is touch when she wants to be with Natalie, but Natalie is wearing an expensive wedding gown. The younger dog is actually the calmer one the whole day. He's simply more likely to jump on the toddlers when they're nearby.

They walk down the aisle perfectly fine, for dogs.

During the pictures we were on deck. When they were finally asked to come over for the pictures, stationed next to the bridge and groom, of course my dog is the first to step on the gown. This is unavoidable when you want to stage the anxious dog next to the bridge, who the anxious dog has been trying to find the whole day. I mention that it was going to happen eventually. The groom makes a snide remark, "no it wasn't, it was your one job."

This upsets me, because that actually wasn't my job. My job is to be a handler. My job is to not somehow perfectly train your dog, who does not understand what a wedding is, or understand money, or understand gowns, or understand pictures. I can only handle the dog the way the dog is before it is given to me. My job is bussing your dogs back and forth and holding them at my house so you don't have to worry about them. My job is walking them down the aisle so everyone can go "awwwww it's Brendan and nat's dogs!" before we literally turn back around and walking them to the back alcoves of the courtyard so they can be not seen and not heard.

My job was then to help stage them so that they can look cute in a picture.

Then my job was to take them home so I can kennel them and come back to the ceremony.

Your job is to support your bridge, who was laughing and literally didn't give a single shit that her dog, who she loves very much, was so excited to see her that she trampled a little bit on the very bottom of her dress after the ceremony and most of the pictures have already happened.

If she was upset at me, it would be a different story.

But this just constantly reminds me that maybe other people don't actually like me that much, and that when I'm reduced to a servant type position, I'm not even seen as a friend who is helping, but instead a literal servant, and all niceties are now out the window.

Brendan can fuck himself.

The rest of the night was pretty fun. The food was delicious. I was seated with Ford and a group of the wedding party. They left the salad and the main dish out for me. It was clear I hadn't missed very much other than the main entrance. All the speeches and important dances occurred maybe an hour after I got back.

I make my way back home after they finish cleaning up the venue. One more night with four dogs at once.

more to come,

Bea.

[nonbeas]

Today's Tarot

Nine of Wands - Black Tourmaline

last stand, persis­tence, grit, resili­ence, persev­erance, close to success, fatigue

You or someone you're close to is almost at the end of a road, or could be almost at the end of the road if you let it.

Three of Coins - Rhodonite - in reverse

lack of cohesion, lack of teamwork, apathy, poor motiva­tion, conflict, ego, compet­ition

One thing standing in the way is poor cohesion, motivation, ego. Or lack of teamwork with partners. People are in the way, potentially, including yourself.

Two of Coins - Chrysocolla

balancing resources, adapta­tion, resour­cef­ulness, flexib­ility, stretching resources

You can get there if you stay flexible, if you balance yourself and stretch your resources. Time management? Emotional management?

At this point this could be about three things. We're in the last stretch of the marching competition season - second half of October concludes the main competitions, the beginning of November is generally just championships and the different versions of state for the different circuits.

It could be about the wedding happening tomorrow. Weddings are tough and it's directly correlated to the main events happening today. Natalie and her fiancé have been a little at odds lately, causing some emotional turmoil in the recent past leading up to the wedding.

It could be my own personal conflict about what I'm supposed to do with my life.

I asked for one more

Three of Swords - Ammonite - in reverse

healing, forgiv­eness, recovery, reconc­ili­ation, repressing emotions

I think this is a clear indicator that it's about the wedding. The wedding is going to be rough, it might start with the rehearsal today. Whether I personally see it or not, there's going to be some emotional tension that's residual from the past couple months of planning. But in the end it's going to happen, and whether it's at the actual wedding itself or after the wedding, Natalie and her fiancé are going to talk it out and make amends, or the wedding is going to be successful because they do this. Their marriage will be, at least.

I might have amazonite to keep in my pocket for today? I have a lot of crystals that I don't actually know the identity of, unfortunately.

Worst case, rose quartz is fitting for the day.

Wish me and my two golden retriever buddies luck

[nonbeas]

Processing what happens both if I get my job back officially and if I don't. Why am I scared of both outcomes?

[nonbeas]

Um WTF

Sunday October 13th 2024

My friend is back in town for a wedding, his brother got eloped and officially had a ceremony/party this past Friday. Kyle moved to Maine about a year ago for work, so we haven't really seen him since then. Sometimes he visits but only very briefly and in time spans very far apart.

He messaged me and my best friend Gwen to get breakfast, since we haven't had a chance to meet up for a while. He ended up crashing at the wedding so Gwen and I made the plans for him, and texted him the information, hoping that he would see it and show up the next morning.

He did, so it all worked out.

Breakfast was nice. I've noticed that in conversation I'm not very good at asking questions about people. It's not that I don't care about them, I think I've been socialized in a family where people tell you what they want to tell you, and often tell you a lot of information unprompted. You don't get a chance to ask questions. Additionally, asking questions is implied that you're pressing for more information, and often is seen as rude or turns into arguments. it's like, we tell you what you want to know, and if we want you to know it, we'll tell it to you. Nothing else is required.

I don't know why my family is like that.

Then there was a band competition for one of my high schools, and that took the rest of the day. It went well. They had an alright run. There's a lot of dynamic cleaning I want to do. The kids think they're playing dynamics when they're doing the subtlest of touch changes, they like playing loud but don't have much nuance.

I think when I heard new information from the judges, my brain kicks in right away. I was trying to work out some easy adjustments based off the judge's critique, and I think I was getting on another tech's nerves. She implied we were arguing, when I was just trying to show her something, and explain what I was doing and why. I guess other people decompress and don't go into overdrive.

I have a lot of ideas, but most of the time, they don't get used.

Today is the dress rehearsal for Natalie's wedding. She requests we wear the same shoes as tomorrow, but that the dress code otherwise is "casual but cute." Unfortunately, I think everyone is going to have different versions of what that means.

I generally think I look cute if I look a little homeless at the same time. It's like, kind of grunge, hipster, disheveled, deranged, casual. I think that's cute.

In high school I wore the same jacket all the time, It was oversized, belonged to my mom, and I wore it so much that I created natural thumbholes. I would joke that I looked like a "hobo," and I was proud of it.

That was back in the 2010s, and I have no idea where this hoodie has been since. Did I wear it in college? Did it go to goodwill? Did it go in the trash?

The cafe I used to work at posted in their instagram that there's going to be a grand-reopening next week.

I'm stunned, because I hadn't heard much from them regarding my continuing to work there. I checked in once about a general ETA, and got a "we don't have one yet." That was about a month ago. They also posted they were hiring on their instagram a while ago, and I messaged them asking if I need to resubmit my resume. They said that was unnecessary. But I hadn't gotten a personal check in for the grand reopening. I also hadn't gotten a specific "we will not be re-hiring you." I did ask that they specifically tell me if they choose not to have me back on so I can seriously focus on finding new employment.

I would like to continue working there if possible, because I genuinely enjoyed it, even though it's just a coffee job.

More to come,

Bea

[nonbeas]

The Dog Boutique

Friday October 11 2024

The only thing we have left to do for the marching show at that high school is clean, and also, get along.

The kids in the percussion section generally seem to get along. At least, that's what they show most of the time. Usually when there's a vibe shift I assume it's for personal reasons, like feeling sick, or being in a bad mood, or something happening at home.

There was a very clear, noticeable vibe drop in the middle of rehearsal. We were chugging along repping all the movements when one of the marimbas, who had already been complaining about being exhausted, went to the restroom. I guess I had decided when we were going to join the rest of the band when they were gone, because when they came back, I mentioned that we were going to finish up our music block before we move out.

They had a dramatic reaction that I didn't really care about, but the section leader shut them down, which made them upset, and they shut down for the rest of the run through. The other kids also seemed to emotionally shut down, which was the weird part.

Actually, it started before that. The vibe was already down before that. There were two precursors, I think.

I instructed them to do something very specific, that was kind of hard. I over-exaggerated the instruction so they understood how serious I was about it. The same mallet player was being called out by the section leader for not following it to a T. To be honest, I wish they had followed it to a T and not gotten defensive, but what they were doing instead was perfectly acceptable, in my opinion.

Later, they were having a hard time playing a run. I was very clear about my instructions how to make it better, and they weren't exactly pushing back, but they were getting upset about it.

I chose to overlook that, because they were literally improving where they were failing previously. It was just some feelings they had to get over.

The last part was the last straw.

I began to ask when we moved towards the band. What's going on?

Herein lies the problem:

The section leader really really loves marching band. They've been center marimba and practically section leader for all four years of high school. They've been apart of independent indoor groups for all four years, and now they're marching an open class group this winter, an official step up. He's already battling with the difference in high school maturity and independent maturity. So he's taking things really seriously, and directly, in a way I don't hate personally.

The rest of the section, although they are also relatively serious, just aren't that serious, and they are taking that directness very personally.

Usually that would be where I'd say "suck it up, buttercup."

I'd say that if I was marching drum corps, or if it was a much more serious program.

But it's not. So instead I'm thinking about how the section leader can compromise how he leads with how serious he wants to be. I think he can do it.

I give them the task to talk it out themselves first before staff steps in.

I see them talking emphatically after they set up with the band. They hug, and the section leader looks like he wants to cry a little bit, but generally the vibe lifts considerably.

Hopefully that lasts.

Today is the one rehearsal for my other group, the one that's on fall break. I don't have many expectations, because it's been a whole week. Probably a lot of review.

I signed up to volunteer for the Humane Society. I've recently been really bored, and also, unemployed, and feeling very useless. I want to know if I'd fit well with working with animals. I had never done it before.

Unfortunately, everyone who volunteered for the Human Society wants to work with animals. So the only volunteer positions immediately available are working in the Pet Boutique. I have a training session today before I got to rehearsal.

I'm trying to find out if I have enough interest in it to go to veterinary technology school. If I really like it, I might think about going to vet school?

But I love music. And I have options for grad school for music.

With both these options, I fear failure or being stuck. I hate that it costs so much money.

Recently, Mason expressed that my undergrad university should've paid me to go there, after he found out my grades and GPA in high school. I was an overachieving nerd.

I want a redo.

more to come,

Bea

[nonbeas]

This is fantastic

Have we considered that even if Agatha did absorb Alice’s powers on purpose, that she was possessed, so when Alice blasted her and her mom left and she was suddenly conscious, that she thought Alice was blasting her to hurt her (like her mom/past coven) not to help her? So even if she could’ve stopped it, she was also letting the defense mechanism happen bc that’s normally what happens

[nonbeas]

Have we considered that even if Agatha did absorb Alice’s powers on purpose, that she was possessed, so when Alice blasted her and her mom left and she was suddenly conscious, that she thought Alice was blasting her to hurt her (like her mom/past coven) not to help her? So even if she could’ve stopped it, she was also letting the defense mechanism happen bc that’s normally what happens

[nonbeas]

Thursday October 10th 2024

I did nothing yesterday.

Today I decided to finish my halloween shopping. I want to be Audrey Hepburn, who had a dachshund, so that I can bring Salem to rehearsal on halloween and just walk Salem around in costume. So I made my rounds around the thrift stores.

I also battled with my own desire to buy food vs make my own food. I have food at home, just not a lot of options. Cooking is also very hard for me. It's not that I can't do it, or I can't do it well, it's like I don't want to do the effort. That's how it is with most chores, actually. I have the same issue with doing the dishes and doing laundry.

Sometimes one load of laundry is a multi-week operation, and often it overlaps with newer loads of laundry at the same time.

I ultimately forced myself to make food at home, because I'm already spending quite a bit of money, and I don't currently have an actual job.

The dress I bought at goodwill was nice, but also, much too big for me. So I did my best to figure out a way to sew up the sides and bring the waist in. By the time I was done, it was still too big, but it's at least a little better. It's just a halloween costume after all. It doesn't need to be perfect.

I randomly decided to curl my hair.

I have a while until rehearsal. I'm running out of things to work on with the percussion group.

That's a lie, there's plenty of things to work on. But I am a little scared to do too much in terms of micro phrasing and dynamic work, because while they were learning the percussion feature, I spent quite a bit of time on some new dynamic work. When Mason heard it, he either thought it was too much, or really that the kids were playing it too loudly, and changed it again. That felt bad, but it wasn't the worst.

That's the problem when you have more than one teacher, I think.

They might be entirely outside today, because the fall play is performing today, and the arts building needs to be silent for it. That's a little tough for the percussion section if they stay inside.

I could go to the practice rooms while I wait, but I won't have that much time to get anything done, so there's kind of no point.

[nonbeas]

I had to watch the ending of Agatha All Along Episode 5 twice to understand what was happening. The episode was really short and it also hinted that the pattern of trials was over, which I very much did not like.

However, I believe that they actually failed the trial and are up for a re-do in the next episode.

They have to be, because if the coven is broken up, how are they supposed to make it through any more trials?

I read other people on Tumblr and TikTok mention how Lilia said "I didn't like this part the first time" or something similar. Some of her visions and premonitions seem to jump through time, so that could have been something she was going to say during the redo that jumped back in time.

It's like making a bad decision during a video game and getting a bad ending. The teen reveal happens to us, the audience, but potentially not the rest of the coven if they go back and try again.

Or maybe the three that Teen threw into the mud that were present for the first ending will remember, but I don't know what route the show is going to take with this.

[nonbeas]

[nonbeas]