nothingnessofthemind - Tumblr blog

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

Silence is a hard habit to break.

haileypaigemagee ~ Instagram

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

Where do I go from here?

This post grew beyond my original intention. Once I started writing I felt the need to share more details. I have been isolating for quite some time and bottling everything inside for too long so this is the written form of oversharing. Basically the last paragraph is where I am in life and what questions I have. I don't expect anyone to read the entire post but if you do, thank you. If you are in a hurry feel free to skip to the last paragraph.

I've spent a lifetime trying to fix the things in me that I have been told needed fixing. As a young kid I was also taught that I should never cry especially if it's just my feelings that are hurt and I need to quit being sad all the time because I had a great life.

Somehow I managed to survive to adulthood. There were a few times in my teen years where I seriously considered ending my life. Why not? I never gets better. I never get better. By age 17 I was drinking as much as I could get ahold of and doing any drugs available. I made the mistake of confiding in my mother when I knew I needed help or I would be dead soon. She shamed me for being so selfish to even think like that. What would people think of her and dad if I did something like that?

At age 18 I moved into my own place and 2 months later married the mother of the child I had at age 17. It wasn't easy but I was determined to be better than my parents. I had responsibilities now so no time or money for drugs and only splurged on alcohol for special events. It didn't take long to find out that the love of my life was a pretty version of both my parents. She knew every flaw I had and made certain to point them out often.

Back then i didn't know what a narcissist was or codependence or trauma bonding or emotional abuse. I wanted death more than ever but by now I had two kids and I couldn't put them though that so I turned to god and prayed everyday to either fix me or let me die. My marriage lasted 18 years but was over by the second year. I couldn't change enough to make her happy. Her rules constantly changed making sure I knew I was never good enough. To survive I had to learn to stuff my feelings deep and never let them surface. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me as I had 2 parents and a lovely wife taking care of that.

My ex has never been diagnosed with NPD but if I had to guess I'd say she should be. Her favorite thing to do was act like all is well until I'd go to bed and as soon as I would fall asleep wake me up and start a fight. This would go on most of the night and always on a work night making for a rough day at work. I soon learned that getting angry or emotional and arguing my point energized her. I knew I could never win the fight and the longer I tried the longer it lasted. An hour or two of sleep before work wasn't working for me so I needed to end these talks quicker. It wasn't easy but if I just sat there showing no emotion and not saying a single word she would give up in a few hours. 4 or 5 hours of sleep was better then 1. The outcome was exactly the same either way.

That must have been horrible for her. She needed her supply and I kept it locked up and refused to show any sign of emotion. No anger, now frustration. No defending myself in any way. Just letting her go on and on about whatever she thought would get to me.

Our marriage ended about 18 years ago. I was so broken and so tired and I just didn't feel like fighting for anything. She hired an expensive lawyer with a reputation for getting women everything their husbands had to give. I hired a lawyer that was wiling and able to do battle with her lawyer but I said all I want is every weekend and every other holiday with the kids and a week or two every summer to go camping. I said I'd also like my guns, tools, cloths and truck. I said she can have the house but also get's the mortgage. I said I would take all the bank loans, credit cards and medical bills. She could have hired a cheap lawyer and done just as well. I never brought the infidelity into the battle since I didn't fight for anything. I had a stack of letters and an STD that she picked up from one of the others that I didn't use against her in court. I didn't want the stuff. I can always by more stuff. What I can't replace is the life, the time, the hopes and dreams.

I didn't know it at the time but once the marriage ended I should have been in therapy. I was in the same place as I was as a kid. Broken and in need of fixing things but not the things I was told my problems were. I need to fix the damage that was done to me all along. There were some incredibly fun years after the divorce. My plan for moving on was to show the world that I am not what I was told I was my whole life. By world I mean my ex. Too bad the fun years were fueled by alcohol and a codependent need to for approval from everyone around me. Turns out I am a people pleaser as well and will go out of my way to help someone out if they need help. Most people appreciate it but some take advantage of the situation don't care that I will sacrifice my needs and continue giving.

So now I ask, where do I go from here? Who am I really? I've been told by others and know much of what I have done in life has been based off their expectations rather than my choice. I am struggling with finding a therapist and making an appointment. I know fear is holding me back. I know it is going to hurt. I know it's going to be a lot of work. I also know that drugs and alcohol can be very helpful in faking it. I know many people who use the addiction to feel and appear to be normal. I know that once I do start therapy I will lye to the therapist about some things at first. I fear if I am honest about the alcohol and drug use in the beginning, the addictions will become the focus and the cause of the addictions will not be resolved. My sister has gone to alcohol treatment many times and it has never stuck. She has not had many sober days since about age 14. I don't know to the extent other drugs were involved but alcohol is her go to crutch. She would rather believe the narrative we were fed as kids. Maybe that's were I would be too if I hadn't had such a horrible experience with my marriage. As bad as my marriage was I didn't use alcohol and drugs while the kids were involved. Even now, they don't know that I use anything other than weed. As for any other stuff, I use enough to function and maintain the appearance of normal. I an currently not drinking mainly because it wasn't helping me function. The way I see it, the addiction is a symptom of something that was done to me. Fix what was broken and the symptoms eventually go away. I could be wrong and am just a druggie trying to justify using. My goal is to stop using someday but today is not that day.

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

Teaching my mother not to lie

Mom: I was such a good kid. I don't know why my kids turned out so bad. Me: Um... You got pregnant at 14 and quit school. When my sister got pregnant when she was 18 and not married you called her a lot of thing but good was not one of them. Mom: I don't know why all my kids are alcoholics. Your father and I never drank. Me: Um.... Remember when you and your friend would take my sister and our friends out trick or treating and while we were in the back seat the two of you shared a 6 pack of beer? Mom: I love my kids so much and have done so much for them. Why do they all hate me? Me: Um... Why did you always tell my red headed sister that she was nothing but an ugly red head that people only liked because she was a slut? Mom: Why do you have to criticize everything I say and do? Me: Um.... You taught me that lying is wrong. You would punish me and tell me that God was going to send me to hell to burn forever if I lied.

[nothingnessofthemind]

Step inside

So there is this weird thing I do without really trying. I get attached to some songs when the lyrics seem to resonate or align with my life in some way. My weird way of expressing myself without expressing myself. The dysfunctional family crap taught that thoughts and feelings are to be ashamed of.  

So at the moment, a lot of Slipknot songs are saying what I want said. Here is an example of what I mean. 

Band: Slipknot

Song: The devil in I

Undo these chains, my friend

I'll show you the rage I've hidden

Perish the sacrament

Swallow but nothing's forgiven

You and I can't decide

Which of us was taken for granted

Make amends

Some of us are destined to be outlived Step inside, see the Devil in I

Too many times we've let it come to this

Step inside, see the Devil in I

You'll realize I'm not your Devil anymore

I’m sure it’s way off from the real meaning of the lyrics but it resonates with a situation that’s on my mind. 

Undo these chains. When my ex and I divorced we agreed to keep the shit between us, between us. Not shit talk each other to the kids or try to get them to take sides and shit. That is one thing our marriage counselor said should be done. It can really mess a kid up getting tossed into a fight they can’t win. Those are the chains I’m bound in. In the 18 years since, i have yet to break the rule. She didn’t seem to give a fuck about anyone but her ego and there have been multiple times. I had no idea but my youngest was under the impression I didn’t contribute fanatically so her mom had to struggle to buy her school cloths and pay for dance lessons and so on. She asked my oldest daughter if she know why I didn’t want to help pay for anything. She told her that I paid monthly child support plus whatever insurance costs. I kept the chains on because I thought it only hurt me and I’m programmed to not matter to me. Problem is, I’m starting to see reasons to believe the’s more and quite possibly emotional and mental abuse happened. 

We couldn’t decide which of us suffered more from the relationship but really once we are dead it’s to late to med things. I may be destined to be outlived but before I expire, I want to heal any wounds I caused. Maybe I’m her devil, maybe she is mine but god damnit neither of us should our kids devils. 

This song has been on my playlist since it came out. By itself it’s a kick ass song. Today when it played, it resonated. 

[nothingnessofthemind]

It’s not the same

What they did for you does not take away the things they did to you. 

[nothingnessofthemind]

My worst fear

One of my worst fears is, what if I ignorantly made mistakes in the past that hurt or scared my kids. If I found that id did, I would do anything to fix things and hel them heal.

My father died leaving me knowing he was disappointed and ashamed of me. Over the years he has done and said things that won’t just go away. Once we are dead it’s too late to say “I’m sorry”, “I love you” or anything else that could help heal. 

Mom is old and just as self serving as ever. She can’t admit to any mistakes and would rather complain about my sisters being horrible liars tthan have anyone find out she abused them. The opinion of others is more important to her than her own children. When I was 16 I had developed a drinking problem and was working hard on a drug problem and had serious thoughts of suicide. I was spinning out of control and needed help. I remember the day I went to her crying and told her what was going on with me and asked for help. I asked to go to some kind of treatment to get my life together. She started crying and said if I went to treatment people would find out I had problems and she and dad had a reputation to consider. She screamed that I should be ashamed of myself for what I’ve done and think of her and dad before I do it again. Filled with rage and shame I when out to the barn and proceeded to punch the walls and scream at the top of my lungs. With both fists bleeding and voice hoarse from crying I grabbed a nearby cat and beat it to death. Oh I was ashamed of myself but not for the reasons mom said I should. That fucking cat did not need to die at my hands. 

With that kind of guidance odds are I fucked up with my kids. I was never physically abusive but I could yell like crazy when angry. Did I leave any emotional pain with my harsh words? Did I ever make them think I hated them or was ashamed of them? 

[nothingnessofthemind]

A life of constant guilt and shame

My sisters and I all have stories and symptoms of growing up in a dysfunctional fucked up family. We’ve all been burdened with the baggage of our childhood and carried it into our adult lives. 

One of the items I was cursed with is chronic guilt and shame. It’s not logical or rational but I can’t turn it off. Shame on you and you should be ashamed of yourself are etched in my brain because mom and dad included those phrases frequent. Based on my parents teechings I should feel shame for things like, being sad, being mad, being happy, not doing enough, not doing anything good enough, having fun, crying and whatever else they felt like shaming us about. 

I am writing today because I am struggling with strong feeling of guilt and shame because of a decision I made about 30 years ago. This is one of those times the guild and shame are justified. My sisters and I were all adults living our lives at the time my oldest living sister was going through some things and going to a therapist. She confided in me and told me stories of physical and mental abuse by our mother before I was born. Her and our oldest sister were victims of moms rage physically and mentally. I experienced the emotional abuse but never physical. Dad had always worked out of town so like a broken famiuly we only saw him on weekends. This is where things get ugly. 

After hearing my sisters account of the abuse I talked to dad about it. His initial response was along the lines of they were being bad and diserved to be punished. I confronted mom as well and she denied doing anything wrong. I told both of my parents that I would no longer be letting them spend time with my daughter. Of course I felt guilty about that but protecting my daughter was more important at the time. 

A while after I cut ties with them, dad called and wanted to talk. I agreed and went to his place to hear him out. The visit almost turned violent. He started by pointing out every mistake I had ever made and how worthless I was and how ashamed he was of me. He said it’s time to shut the fuck up and stop being pissed at mom. He promised if I ever opened my god damn mouth about thiat shit again he would give me every beating I should have had growing up and disown me. 

Like a fucking coward I backed down to my fathers threats and here we are 30 years latter. Dad died of cancer 10 years ago, mom is a pathetic old lady that insults my sister any time she feels the need. Two of us help her out because she’s old and pathetic and we live nearby. All those years ago when i proved I was a coward and obeyed dads threats, I betrayed my sister. I am ashamed of myself for that betrayal. What a fucked up life we’ve had. 

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

[nothingnessofthemind]

Yeah I don’t remember actually making the decision but...

[nothingnessofthemind]

Feeling intense emotions after being dissociated/in denial for so long can be overwhelming, and then I realize the pain and anger are bringing me out of the freeze state - I’ve been programmed to be so ashamed and afraid of my emotions I don’t realize releasing them is helping me - they’re thawing me.

The reality is that expressing your emotions is a sign of strength, bravery, courage, resilience and growth.

The natural process of releasing your emotions as they come and letting them pass is interrupted by parents who program you to suppress them.

Suppressing emotions is suppressing growth.

Once again after crying I can breathe easier, my back feels less tight, I can wiggle neck muscles I didn’t realize I was tensing.

[nothingnessofthemind]